His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a very extraordinary Expedient1 that is attended with strange Consequences.
As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and accordingly departed on this message, though he was but indifferently qualified2 for commissions of such a nature. Having received particular injunctions about the letter, he resolved to make that the chief object of his care, and very sagaciously conveyed it between the stocking and the sole of his foot, where he thought it would be perfectly3 secure from all injury or accident. Here it remained until he arrived at the inn where he had formerly4 lodged5, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught6 of beer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied with dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at this phenomenon, he uttered it loud whew! which was succeeded by an exclamation7 of “D— my old shoes! a bite by G—!” then he rested his elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in that attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying this misfortune.
As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concluded that his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish, who he knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according to the directions he should give him; and never dreaming that the mangled8 original would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wisely committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in judgment9 against him.
Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to whom he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way of gratification. The clerk, who was also schoolmaster, proud of an opportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task; and repairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of an hour produced a morsel10 of eloquence11 so much to the satisfaction of Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and doubled his allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier betook himself to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of venison and this succedaneous letter, and delivered his message to the mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind inquiries12 about the health and welfare of his master, attempting to tip the messenger a crown, which he absolutely refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle13’s repeated caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant in order to give directions about the disposal of the present, Pipes looked upon this as a favourable14 occasion to transact15 his business with Emilia, and therefore shutting one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and a most significant twist of his countenance16 he beckoned17 the young lady into another room as if he had been fraught18 with something of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the hint, howsoever strangely communicated, and, by stepping to one side of the room gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand, which be gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard: then throwing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clapped his finger on the side of his nose, thereby19 recommending secrecy20 and discretion21.
Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom22, could not help smiling at Tom’s politeness and dexterity23; but lest her mamma should detect him in the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this intercourse24 of signs, by asking aloud when he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester? When he answered, “To-morrow morning.” Miss Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman, desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young heroine, impatient to read her lover’s billet, which made her heart throb25 with rapturous expectation, retired26 to her chamber27 as soon as possible, with a view of perusing28 the contents, which were these:—
“Divine Empress Of My Soul,— If the refulgent29 flames of your beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported brain, and scorched30 my intellects into a cinder31 of stolidity32, perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious through the sable33 curtain of my ink, and in sublimity34 transcend35 the galaxy36 itself, though wafted37 on the pinions38 of a gray goose quill39! But, ah! celestial40 enchantress! the necromancy41 of thy tyrannical charms hath fettered42 my faculties43 with adamantine chains, which, unless thy compassion44 shall melt I must eternally remain in the Tartarean gulf45 of dismal46 despair. Vouchsafe47, therefore, O thou brightest luminary48 of this terrestrial sphere! to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial49 rays of thy benevolence50 melt the icy emanations of thy disdain51, which hath frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.— Thy most egregious52 admirer and superlative slave,
“Peregrine Pickle.”
Never was astonishment53 more perplexing than that of Emilia, when she read this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three times before she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She began to fear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder54 in her lover’s understanding; but after a thousand conjectures55 by which she attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian56 of style, she concluded that it was the effect of mere57 levity58, calculated to ridicule59 the passion he had formerly professed60. Irritated by this supposition, she resolved to balk61 his triumph with affected62 indifference63, and in the mean time endeavoured to expel him from that place which he possessed64 within her heart. And indeed such a victory over her inclinations65 might have been obtained without great difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and her vivacity66, by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from the keener sensations of sorrow. Thus determined67 and disposed, she did not send any sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who was suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother, and arrived at Winchester the next day.
Peregrine’s eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in, and he stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particular mark of his Emilia’s affection; but how was he confounded, when he found his hope so cruelly disappointed! In an instant his countenance fell. He stood for some time silent and abashed68, then thrice repeated the interrogation of “What! not one word from Emilia?” and dubious69 of his courier’s discretion, inquired minutely into all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had seen the young lady, if she was in good health, if he had found an opportunity of delivering his letter, and how she looked, when he put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that he had never seen her in better health or better spirits; that he had managed matters so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to ask her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told him that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he considered as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed70 his lips with resentment71. Upon further reflection, however, he supposed that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and would undoubtedly72 favour him by the post. This consideration consoled him for the present, and he waited impatiently for the fruits of his hope; but after he had seen eight days elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had flattered himself, his temper forsook73 him, he raved74 against the whole sex, and was seized with a fit of sullen75 chagrin76; but his pride in a little time came to his assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy77 fiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungrateful mistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity78; and though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, he appeared again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and unconcern, that Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much, in all likelihood, he disregarded her disdain.
There are never wanting certain officious persons, who take pleasure in promoting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived from his letter; so that she fortified79 herself in her former sentiments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy, Thus a correspondence, which had commenced with all the tenderness and sincerity80 of love, and every promise of duration, was interrupted in its infancy81 by a misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity82 of Pipes, who never once reflected upon the consequences of his deceit.
Though their mutual83 passion was by these means suppressed for the present, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret, though even to themselves unknown, until an occasion, which afterwards offered, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire in their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of each other’s attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in danger of involving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved, by advice of Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish priest, to recall him from the place where he had contracted such imprudent connections, and send him to the university, where his education might be completed, and his fancy weaned from all puerile84 amusements.
This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been already observed, stood always neuter in everything that concerned his eldest85 son; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his name mentioned since his departure with any degree of temper or tranquility, except when her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of being ruined by this indiscreet amour. It was then she began to applaud her own foresight86, which had discerned the mark of reprobation87 in that vicious boy, and launched out in comparison between him and Gammy, who, she observed, was a child of uncommon88 parts and solidity, and, with the blessing89 of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament90 to the family.
Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much, was in every respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a boy of mean capacity, and, though remarkably91 distorted in his body, much more crooked92 in his disposition93; and that she had persuaded her husband to espouse94 her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense, as well as to his own perception;— I am afraid the reader will think I represent a monster that never existed in nature, and be apt to condemn95 the economy of my invention: nevertheless, there is nothing more true than every circumstance of what I have advanced; and I wish the picture, singular as it is, may not be thought to resemble more than one original.
1 expedient | |
adj.有用的,有利的;n.紧急的办法,权宜之计 | |
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2 qualified | |
adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
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3 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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4 formerly | |
adv.从前,以前 | |
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5 lodged | |
v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 );暂住;埋入;(权利、权威等)归属 | |
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6 draught | |
n.拉,牵引,拖;一网(饮,吸,阵);顿服药量,通风;v.起草,设计 | |
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7 exclamation | |
n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词 | |
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8 mangled | |
vt.乱砍(mangle的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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9 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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10 morsel | |
n.一口,一点点 | |
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11 eloquence | |
n.雄辩;口才,修辞 | |
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12 inquiries | |
n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听 | |
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13 pickle | |
n.腌汁,泡菜;v.腌,泡 | |
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14 favourable | |
adj.赞成的,称赞的,有利的,良好的,顺利的 | |
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15 transact | |
v.处理;做交易;谈判 | |
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16 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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17 beckoned | |
v.(用头或手的动作)示意,召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18 fraught | |
adj.充满…的,伴有(危险等)的;忧虑的 | |
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19 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
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20 secrecy | |
n.秘密,保密,隐蔽 | |
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21 discretion | |
n.谨慎;随意处理 | |
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22 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
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23 dexterity | |
n.(手的)灵巧,灵活 | |
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24 intercourse | |
n.性交;交流,交往,交际 | |
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25 throb | |
v.震颤,颤动;(急速强烈地)跳动,搏动 | |
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26 retired | |
adj.隐退的,退休的,退役的 | |
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27 chamber | |
n.房间,寝室;会议厅;议院;会所 | |
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28 perusing | |
v.读(某篇文字)( peruse的现在分词 );(尤指)细阅;审阅;匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览(某篇文字) | |
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29 refulgent | |
adj.辉煌的,灿烂的 | |
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30 scorched | |
烧焦,烤焦( scorch的过去式和过去分词 ); 使(植物)枯萎,把…晒枯; 高速行驶; 枯焦 | |
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31 cinder | |
n.余烬,矿渣 | |
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32 stolidity | |
n.迟钝,感觉麻木 | |
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33 sable | |
n.黑貂;adj.黑色的 | |
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34 sublimity | |
崇高,庄严,气质高尚 | |
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35 transcend | |
vt.超出,超越(理性等)的范围 | |
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36 galaxy | |
n.星系;银河系;一群(杰出或著名的人物) | |
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37 wafted | |
v.吹送,飘送,(使)浮动( waft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38 pinions | |
v.抓住[捆住](双臂)( pinion的第三人称单数 ) | |
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39 quill | |
n.羽毛管;v.给(织物或衣服)作皱褶 | |
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40 celestial | |
adj.天体的;天上的 | |
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41 necromancy | |
n.巫术;通灵术 | |
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42 fettered | |
v.给…上脚镣,束缚( fetter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43 faculties | |
n.能力( faculty的名词复数 );全体教职员;技巧;院 | |
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44 compassion | |
n.同情,怜悯 | |
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45 gulf | |
n.海湾;深渊,鸿沟;分歧,隔阂 | |
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46 dismal | |
adj.阴沉的,凄凉的,令人忧郁的,差劲的 | |
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47 vouchsafe | |
v.惠予,准许 | |
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48 luminary | |
n.名人,天体 | |
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49 genial | |
adj.亲切的,和蔼的,愉快的,脾气好的 | |
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50 benevolence | |
n.慈悲,捐助 | |
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51 disdain | |
n.鄙视,轻视;v.轻视,鄙视,不屑 | |
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52 egregious | |
adj.非常的,过分的 | |
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53 astonishment | |
n.惊奇,惊异 | |
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54 disorder | |
n.紊乱,混乱;骚动,骚乱;疾病,失调 | |
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55 conjectures | |
推测,猜想( conjecture的名词复数 ) | |
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56 fustian | |
n.浮夸的;厚粗棉布 | |
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57 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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58 levity | |
n.轻率,轻浮,不稳定,多变 | |
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59 ridicule | |
v.讥讽,挖苦;n.嘲弄 | |
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60 professed | |
公开声称的,伪称的,已立誓信教的 | |
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61 balk | |
n.大方木料;v.妨碍;不愿前进或从事某事 | |
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62 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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63 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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64 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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65 inclinations | |
倾向( inclination的名词复数 ); 倾斜; 爱好; 斜坡 | |
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66 vivacity | |
n.快活,活泼,精神充沛 | |
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67 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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68 abashed | |
adj.窘迫的,尴尬的v.使羞愧,使局促,使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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69 dubious | |
adj.怀疑的,无把握的;有问题的,靠不住的 | |
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70 gnawed | |
咬( gnaw的过去式和过去分词 ); (长时间) 折磨某人; (使)苦恼; (长时间)危害某事物 | |
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71 resentment | |
n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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72 undoubtedly | |
adv.确实地,无疑地 | |
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73 forsook | |
forsake的过去式 | |
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74 raved | |
v.胡言乱语( rave的过去式和过去分词 );愤怒地说;咆哮;痴心地说 | |
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75 sullen | |
adj.愠怒的,闷闷不乐的,(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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76 chagrin | |
n.懊恼;气愤;委屈 | |
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77 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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78 serenity | |
n.宁静,沉着,晴朗 | |
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79 fortified | |
adj. 加强的 | |
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80 sincerity | |
n.真诚,诚意;真实 | |
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81 infancy | |
n.婴儿期;幼年期;初期 | |
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82 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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83 mutual | |
adj.相互的,彼此的;共同的,共有的 | |
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84 puerile | |
adj.幼稚的,儿童的 | |
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85 eldest | |
adj.最年长的,最年老的 | |
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86 foresight | |
n.先见之明,深谋远虑 | |
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87 reprobation | |
n.斥责 | |
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88 uncommon | |
adj.罕见的,非凡的,不平常的 | |
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89 blessing | |
n.祈神赐福;祷告;祝福,祝愿 | |
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90 ornament | |
v.装饰,美化;n.装饰,装饰物 | |
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91 remarkably | |
ad.不同寻常地,相当地 | |
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92 crooked | |
adj.弯曲的;不诚实的,狡猾的,不正当的 | |
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93 disposition | |
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署 | |
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94 espouse | |
v.支持,赞成,嫁娶 | |
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95 condemn | |
vt.谴责,指责;宣判(罪犯),判刑 | |
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