We descry1 the Waggon2 — get into it — arrive at an inn — our Fellow Travellers described — a Mistake is committed by Strap3, which produces strange things
We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being engrossed4 by the knavery5 of the world, to which I must be daily exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d — n’d before he had got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander6 it away in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed7 before I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed8 by the cold, my fingers cramped9, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for a guinea — I’m sure — I have beat stouter10 men than either of them.” And, indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments of death. In order to appease11 him, I assured him no part of this extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted12, and told me he would have me to know that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend big money with the best squire13 of the land.
Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment14, we descried15, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.
Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed16 his ears in these words: “God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation17, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended18 with great velocity19 and a countenance20 as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our astonishment21, called, with an arch sneer22, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the coptain.”
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like distant thunder — “Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt23 of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed24 out, in a most dreadful manner, “Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d — n my blood! my guts25 are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting26 of the waggon; and the woman who spoke27 before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were to know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation. I wish to God we had writ28 for the chariot; I know we shall never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it don’t signify fretting29 now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in this diligence.”
The discourse30 gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately after another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great many needless airs; better folks than any here have travelled in waggons31 before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing; therefore let us be sociable32 and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doting33 rogue34? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively35 you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old fumbler36.” These words, accompanied with a hearty37 smack38, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he cried, in transport, though with a faltering39 voice, “Ah! you wanton baggage — upon my credit, you are a waggish40 girl — he, he, he!” This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated41 the poor usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this our fellow-traveller).
About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed with silver very much tarnished42, and a whip in her hand. After her came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty43 blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel44 jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute45 of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping46, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane47 and his whole figure was a just emblem48 of winter, famine, and avarice49. But how was I surprised, when I beheld50 the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered51 visage, very much resembling that of a baboon52, through the upper part of which two little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose. was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when he deigned53 to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.
Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck: his thighs54 were about six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder: so that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper55 erect56, and was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet57 breeches reaching half way down his thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains58 of an agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected59, that, had I not been a novice60 in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand61 airs of a lady’s woman.
We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse62, and told the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals63 for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us declared against the proposal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this hint the captain put on a martial64 frown, and looked very big, without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, “None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha — I’ll assure you no such creature as you neither — no ten-pound sneaker — no quality-coupler.” Here the captain interposed, with a “D— e, madam, what do you mean by that?” “D— n you sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? “Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions. What, I suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate are well met — a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked65 together.” “Blood and wounds! cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour of my wife, madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so much — I would flay66 him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his resentment67 a louse.
In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who, understanding the cause of the disturbance68, and fearing the captain and his lady would take umbrage69 and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished70, and we sat down to supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels71 being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber72, and without any hesitation73 went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel74, in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton nightcap, than it carne into his mind that he had mistaken Miss Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant75, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his conjecture76, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth77 into lamentable78 cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the incensed79 captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption80 to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing but — “I take God to witness she’s a virgin81 for me.”
Mrs. Weazel, enraged82 to find herself in such a pickle83 through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald pate84 till he roared “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb85. What, I warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended86 to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig87?”
The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of “Rape88! Murder! Rape!” which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. “Oh! You vile89 abominable90 old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of my virtue91? But I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for heaven’s sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing92 on the side of her bed. At the other end lay tile old usurer, sprawling93 on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny94 meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch95 looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate96 — that she had first seduced97 his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you know you laid this snare98 fur me — but you shan’t succeed — for I will hang myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning99 all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d — d mistake; but I’ll be revenged on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no harm to you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired100 to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.
1 descry | |
v.远远看到;发现;责备 | |
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2 waggon | |
n.运货马车,运货车;敞篷车箱 | |
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3 strap | |
n.皮带,带子;v.用带扣住,束牢;用绷带包扎 | |
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4 engrossed | |
adj.全神贯注的 | |
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5 knavery | |
n.恶行,欺诈的行为 | |
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6 squander | |
v.浪费,挥霍 | |
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7 mowed | |
v.刈,割( mow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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8 numbed | |
v.使麻木,使麻痹( numb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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9 cramped | |
a.狭窄的 | |
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10 stouter | |
粗壮的( stout的比较级 ); 结实的; 坚固的; 坚定的 | |
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11 appease | |
v.安抚,缓和,平息,满足 | |
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12 affronted | |
adj.被侮辱的,被冒犯的v.勇敢地面对( affront的过去式和过去分词 );相遇 | |
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13 squire | |
n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅 | |
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14 refreshment | |
n.恢复,精神爽快,提神之事物;(复数)refreshments:点心,茶点 | |
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15 descried | |
adj.被注意到的,被发现的,被看到的 | |
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16 assailed | |
v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 );困扰;质问;毅然应对 | |
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17 exclamation | |
n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词 | |
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18 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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19 velocity | |
n.速度,速率 | |
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20 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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21 astonishment | |
n.惊奇,惊异 | |
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22 sneer | |
v.轻蔑;嘲笑;n.嘲笑,讥讽的言语 | |
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23 jolt | |
v.(使)摇动,(使)震动,(使)颠簸 | |
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24 bellowed | |
v.发出吼叫声,咆哮(尤指因痛苦)( bellow的过去式和过去分词 );(愤怒地)说出(某事),大叫 | |
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25 guts | |
v.狼吞虎咽,贪婪地吃,飞碟游戏(比赛双方每组5人,相距15码,互相掷接飞碟);毁坏(建筑物等)的内部( gut的第三人称单数 );取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 );内脏;消化道的下段;肠 | |
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26 jolting | |
adj.令人震惊的 | |
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27 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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28 writ | |
n.命令状,书面命令 | |
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29 fretting | |
n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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30 discourse | |
n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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31 waggons | |
四轮的运货马车( waggon的名词复数 ); 铁路货车; 小手推车 | |
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32 sociable | |
adj.好交际的,友好的,合群的 | |
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33 doting | |
adj.溺爱的,宠爱的 | |
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34 rogue | |
n.流氓;v.游手好闲 | |
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35 positively | |
adv.明确地,断然,坚决地;实在,确实 | |
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36 fumbler | |
愚笨的人 | |
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37 hearty | |
adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的 | |
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38 smack | |
vt.拍,打,掴;咂嘴;vi.含有…意味;n.拍 | |
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39 faltering | |
犹豫的,支吾的,蹒跚的 | |
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40 waggish | |
adj.诙谐的,滑稽的 | |
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41 suffocated | |
(使某人)窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 ); (将某人)闷死; 让人感觉闷热; 憋气 | |
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42 tarnished | |
(通常指金属)(使)失去光泽,(使)变灰暗( tarnish的过去式和过去分词 ); 玷污,败坏 | |
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43 rusty | |
adj.生锈的;锈色的;荒废了的 | |
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44 flannel | |
n.法兰绒;法兰绒衣服 | |
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45 destitute | |
adj.缺乏的;穷困的 | |
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46 drooping | |
adj. 下垂的,无力的 动词droop的现在分词 | |
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47 cane | |
n.手杖,细长的茎,藤条;v.以杖击,以藤编制的 | |
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48 emblem | |
n.象征,标志;徽章 | |
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49 avarice | |
n.贪婪;贪心 | |
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50 beheld | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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51 withered | |
adj. 枯萎的,干瘪的,(人身体的部分器官)因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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52 baboon | |
n.狒狒 | |
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53 deigned | |
v.屈尊,俯就( deign的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54 thighs | |
n.股,大腿( thigh的名词复数 );食用的鸡(等的)腿 | |
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55 grasshopper | |
n.蚱蜢,蝗虫,蚂蚱 | |
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56 erect | |
n./v.树立,建立,使竖立;adj.直立的,垂直的 | |
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57 scarlet | |
n.深红色,绯红色,红衣;adj.绯红色的 | |
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58 remains | |
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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59 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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60 novice | |
adj.新手的,生手的 | |
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61 second-hand | |
adj.用过的,旧的,二手的 | |
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62 spouse | |
n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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63 victuals | |
n.食物;食品 | |
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64 martial | |
adj.战争的,军事的,尚武的,威武的 | |
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65 yoked | |
结合(yoke的过去式形式) | |
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66 flay | |
vt.剥皮;痛骂 | |
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67 resentment | |
n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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68 disturbance | |
n.动乱,骚动;打扰,干扰;(身心)失调 | |
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69 umbrage | |
n.不快;树荫 | |
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70 accomplished | |
adj.有才艺的;有造诣的;达到了的 | |
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71 bowels | |
n.肠,内脏,内部;肠( bowel的名词复数 );内部,最深处 | |
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72 chamber | |
n.房间,寝室;会议厅;议院;会所 | |
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73 hesitation | |
n.犹豫,踌躇 | |
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74 vessel | |
n.船舶;容器,器皿;管,导管,血管 | |
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75 gallant | |
adj.英勇的,豪侠的;(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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76 conjecture | |
n./v.推测,猜测 | |
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77 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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78 lamentable | |
adj.令人惋惜的,悔恨的 | |
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79 incensed | |
盛怒的 | |
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80 presumption | |
n.推测,可能性,冒昧,放肆,[法律]推定 | |
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81 virgin | |
n.处女,未婚女子;adj.未经使用的;未经开发的 | |
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82 enraged | |
使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 ); 歜; 激愤 | |
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83 pickle | |
n.腌汁,泡菜;v.腌,泡 | |
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84 pate | |
n.头顶;光顶 | |
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85 coxcomb | |
n.花花公子 | |
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86 condescended | |
屈尊,俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 ); 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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87 twig | |
n.小树枝,嫩枝;v.理解 | |
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88 rape | |
n.抢夺,掠夺,强奸;vt.掠夺,抢夺,强奸 | |
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89 vile | |
adj.卑鄙的,可耻的,邪恶的;坏透的 | |
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90 abominable | |
adj.可厌的,令人憎恶的 | |
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91 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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92 sobbing | |
<主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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93 sprawling | |
adj.蔓生的,不规则地伸展的v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的现在分词 );蔓延;杂乱无序地拓展;四肢伸展坐着(或躺着) | |
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94 tawny | |
adj.茶色的,黄褐色的;n.黄褐色 | |
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95 wretch | |
n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
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96 incarnate | |
adj.化身的,人体化的,肉色的 | |
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97 seduced | |
诱奸( seduce的过去式和过去分词 ); 勾引; 诱使堕落; 使入迷 | |
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98 snare | |
n.陷阱,诱惑,圈套;(去除息肉或者肿瘤的)勒除器;响弦,小军鼓;vt.以陷阱捕获,诱惑 | |
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99 groaning | |
adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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100 retired | |
adj.隐退的,退休的,退役的 | |
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