I purchase new Clothes — reprimand Strutwell and Straddle — Banter1 proposes another matrimonial Scheme — I accept of his Terms — set out to Bath in the Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother — the Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer — our fellow Travellers described — a smart dialogue between my Mistress and the Captain
Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly2 at ease; and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever. Although my clothes were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time had got an inventory3 of my wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination4 to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple5 to aver6 was infamous7 in every respect. He seemed very much enraged8 at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean enough to equivocate9, and condescend10 in such a manner that I left him with a hearty11 contempt of his behaviour.
About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden alteration12 in my appearance and disposition13, began to inquire very minutely into the cause, and, as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who at the same time had proffered14 to use all his interest (which was not small) in soliciting15 some post for me that should make me easy for life. “If that be the case,” said Banter, “perhaps you won’t care to mortify16 yourself a little in making your fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepit17, intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach18 at present between the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I borrowed a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note; upon which she wrote a peremptory19 letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled20 at this precise behaviour, I sent a d — d severe answer, which enraged her so much that she actually took out a writ21 against me. Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing22. She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed23 urchin24 joined her mother with such virulence25 and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make a retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous epithets26, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing to hope from the esteem27 of the one, or the affection of the other. As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don’t provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking fellow, Random28, and can behave as demurely29 as a quaker. If you will give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all opposition30.”
This proposal was too advantageous31 for me to be refused. The writing was immediately drawn32 up and executed; and Banter, giving me notice of the time when, and the stage coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke33 a place in the same convenience; and, having hired a horse for Strap34, who was chagrined35 with the prospect36, set forward accordingly.
As we embarked37 before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even of perceiving the number and sex of my fellow travellers, although I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when, all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous38 voice pronounced, “To the right and left, cover your flanks, d — me! whiz!” I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation39 that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profession of another person who sat opposite to me, and observed that we ought to have been well satisfied of our security before we entered upon the premises40. These two sallies had not the desired effect. We continued a good while as mute as before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into a meeting of quakers. “I believe so too,” said a shrill41 female voice at my left hand, “for the spirit of folly42 begins to move.” “Out with it then, madam!” replied the soldier. “You seem to have no occasion for a midwife,” cried the lady. “D— mn my blood!” exclaimed the other, “a man can’t talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks of a midwife.” “True sir,” said she, “I long to be delivered.” “What of — a mouse, madam?” said lie. “No, Sir,” said she, “of a fool.” “Are you far gone with a fool?” said he. “Little more than two miles,” said she. “By Gad43, you’re a wit, madam,” cried the officer, “I wish I could with any justice return the compliment,” said the lady. “Zounds, I have done,” said he. “Your bolt is soon shot, according to the old proverb,” said she. The warrior’s powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution44, and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious45 wit, told her she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. This reprimand, softened46 with the appellation47 of child, convinced me that the satirical lady was no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion, finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate48 on his own exploits. “You talk of shot, madam,” said he; “d — me! I have both given and received some shot in my time — I was wounded in the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where — I say nothing — but by G— d! if it had not been for me — all’s one for that — I despise boasting, d-me! whiz!” So saying, he whistled one part and hummed another, of the Black Joke; then, addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus; “Wouldn’t you think it d — d hard, after having, at the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment49 that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains? I don’t choose to name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will refer, by G— d! and that is this — a musketeer of the French guards, having a standard from a certain cornet of a certain regiment, d — e! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse’s heels could carry him, sink me! Upon which, I snatched up firelock that belonged to a dead man, d — me! Whiz! and shot his horse under him, d — n my blood! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to repose50 me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him through the body by G—! One of his comrades, coming to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and another gave me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his carbine; but, d — me, that did not signify. I killed one, put the other to flight, and taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately51. But the best joke of all was the son of a b — ch of a cornet, who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, demanded it from me in the front of the line. “D— n my blood!” says he, “where did you find my standard?” says he. “D— n my blood!” said I, “where,” said I, “did you lose it?” said I. “That’s nothing to you,” says he, “’tis my standard,” says he” and by G— d I’ll have it,” says he. “D— nation seize me,” says I, “if you shall,” says I, “till I have first delivered it to the general,” says I; and accordingly I went to the headquarters after the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me. But I am no more than a poor lieutenant52 still, d — n my blood.”
Having vented53 this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had not been requited54 according to his deserts; observed that the labourer is always worthy55 of his hire, and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, because in that case the law would compel the general to perform it; but understanding that the promise was made over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid56 in law, proceeded to inquire into the particulars of the battle, and affirmed that, although the English had drawn themselves into premunire at first, the French managed their cause so lamely58 in the course of the dispute, that they would have been utterly59 nonsuited, had they not obtained a nolli prosequi. In spite of these enlivening touches, the conversation was like to suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant, unwilling60 to conceal61 any of his accomplishments62 that could be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale63 the company with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza64 of which he pronounced thus:
“Would you task the moon-tide hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair.
Where waving with the poplin vow65,
The bantling fine will shelter you,” etc.
The sense of the rest he perverted66 as he went on with such surprising facility that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to burlesque67 the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely ignorance; and, when he asked her how she relished68 his music, answered that, in her opinion, the music and the words were much of a piece. “Oh, d — n my blood!” said he “I take that as a high compliment; for everybody allows the words are d — able fine.” “They may be so,” replied the lady, “for aught I know, but they are above my comprehension.” “I an’t obliged to find you comprehension, madam, curse me!” cried he. “No, nor to speak sense neither,” said she. “D— n my heart,” said he, “I’ll speak what I please.” Here the lawyer interposed, by telling him, there were some things he must not speak; and upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned treason and defamation69. “As for the king,” cried the soldier, “God bless him — I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing to say to him — but, by G— d, I dare say anything to any other man.” “No,” said the lawyer, “you dare not call me rogue70.” “D— me, for what?” said the other. “Because,” replied the counsellor, “I should have it good action against you, and recover.” “Well, well,” cried the officer, “if I dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, d — me!” This stroke of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his antagonist71, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, except to clear his pipe with three hems57, which however, produced nothing.
1 banter | |
n.嘲弄,戏谑;v.取笑,逗弄,开玩笑 | |
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2 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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3 inventory | |
n.详细目录,存货清单 | |
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4 inclination | |
n.倾斜;点头;弯腰;斜坡;倾度;倾向;爱好 | |
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5 scruple | |
n./v.顾忌,迟疑 | |
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6 aver | |
v.极力声明;断言;确证 | |
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7 infamous | |
adj.声名狼藉的,臭名昭著的,邪恶的 | |
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8 enraged | |
使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 ); 歜; 激愤 | |
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9 equivocate | |
v.模棱两可地,支吾其词 | |
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10 condescend | |
v.俯就,屈尊;堕落,丢丑 | |
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11 hearty | |
adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的 | |
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12 alteration | |
n.变更,改变;蚀变 | |
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13 disposition | |
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署 | |
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14 proffered | |
v.提供,贡献,提出( proffer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15 soliciting | |
v.恳求( solicit的现在分词 );(指娼妇)拉客;索求;征求 | |
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16 mortify | |
v.克制,禁欲,使受辱 | |
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17 decrepit | |
adj.衰老的,破旧的 | |
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18 breach | |
n.违反,不履行;破裂;vt.冲破,攻破 | |
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19 peremptory | |
adj.紧急的,专横的,断然的 | |
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20 nettled | |
v.拿荨麻打,拿荨麻刺(nettle的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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21 writ | |
n.命令状,书面命令 | |
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22 dealing | |
n.经商方法,待人态度 | |
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23 deformed | |
adj.畸形的;变形的;丑的,破相了的 | |
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24 urchin | |
n.顽童;海胆 | |
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25 virulence | |
n.毒力,毒性;病毒性;致病力 | |
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26 epithets | |
n.(表示性质、特征等的)词语( epithet的名词复数 ) | |
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27 esteem | |
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作 | |
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28 random | |
adj.随机的;任意的;n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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29 demurely | |
adv.装成端庄地,认真地 | |
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30 opposition | |
n.反对,敌对 | |
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31 advantageous | |
adj.有利的;有帮助的 | |
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32 drawn | |
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
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33 bespoke | |
adj.(产品)订做的;专做订货的v.预定( bespeak的过去式 );订(货);证明;预先请求 | |
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34 strap | |
n.皮带,带子;v.用带扣住,束牢;用绷带包扎 | |
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35 chagrined | |
adj.懊恼的,苦恼的v.使懊恼,使懊丧,使悔恨( chagrin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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36 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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37 embarked | |
乘船( embark的过去式和过去分词 ); 装载; 从事 | |
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38 boisterous | |
adj.喧闹的,欢闹的 | |
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39 exclamation | |
n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词 | |
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40 premises | |
n.建筑物,房屋 | |
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41 shrill | |
adj.尖声的;刺耳的;v尖叫 | |
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42 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
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43 gad | |
n.闲逛;v.闲逛 | |
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44 prosecution | |
n.起诉,告发,检举,执行,经营 | |
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45 victorious | |
adj.胜利的,得胜的 | |
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46 softened | |
(使)变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 ); 缓解打击; 缓和; 安慰 | |
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47 appellation | |
n.名称,称呼 | |
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48 expatiate | |
v.细说,详述 | |
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49 regiment | |
n.团,多数,管理;v.组织,编成团,统制 | |
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50 repose | |
v.(使)休息;n.安息 | |
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51 deliberately | |
adv.审慎地;蓄意地;故意地 | |
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52 lieutenant | |
n.陆军中尉,海军上尉;代理官员,副职官员 | |
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53 vented | |
表达,发泄(感情,尤指愤怒)( vent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54 requited | |
v.报答( requite的过去式和过去分词 );酬谢;回报;报复 | |
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55 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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56 valid | |
adj.有确实根据的;有效的;正当的,合法的 | |
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57 hems | |
布的褶边,贴边( hem的名词复数 ); 短促的咳嗽 | |
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58 lamely | |
一瘸一拐地,不完全地 | |
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59 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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60 unwilling | |
adj.不情愿的 | |
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61 conceal | |
v.隐藏,隐瞒,隐蔽 | |
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62 accomplishments | |
n.造诣;完成( accomplishment的名词复数 );技能;成绩;成就 | |
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63 regale | |
v.取悦,款待 | |
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64 stanza | |
n.(诗)节,段 | |
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65 vow | |
n.誓(言),誓约;v.起誓,立誓 | |
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66 perverted | |
adj.不正当的v.滥用( pervert的过去式和过去分词 );腐蚀;败坏;使堕落 | |
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67 burlesque | |
v.嘲弄,戏仿;n.嘲弄,取笑,滑稽模仿 | |
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68 relished | |
v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 );从…获得乐趣;渴望 | |
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69 defamation | |
n.诽谤;中伤 | |
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70 rogue | |
n.流氓;v.游手好闲 | |
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71 antagonist | |
n.敌人,对抗者,对手 | |
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