Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss Snapper, whom I had not seen before — the Soldier is witty1 upon me — is offended — talks much of his Valour — is reprimanded by a grave Gentlewoman — we are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen — I get out of the Coach, and stand in my own defence — they ride off without having attacked us — I pursue them — one of them is thrown from his Horse and taken — I return to the Coach — am complimented by Miss Snapper — the Captain’s Behaviour on this Occasion — the Prude reproaches me in a Soliloquy — I upbraid3 her in the same Manner — the Behaviour of Miss Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me — the Lawyer is witty upon the Officer, who threatens him
In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another the faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed4 nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet5, the edge being represented by her face; but she had a certain delicacy6 in her complexion7, and a great deal of vivacity8 in her eyes, which were very large and black; and, though the protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to congratulate myself if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds encumbered9 with such a wife. I began therefore to deliberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed10 by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved11 my project in silence; while the conversation was maintained as before by the object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time recollected12 himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute happened, which ended in a wager13, to be determined14 by me, who was so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted15 at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation swore I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and that I looked as if I could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed16 my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo! Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, “D— me sir” what d’ye mean by that.” Had I intended to answer him, which by the by was not my design, I should have been anticipated by Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, that I could cry Bo to a goose; and laughed very heartily17 at my laconic18 reproof19. Her explanation and mirth did not help to appease20 his wrath21, which broke out in several martial22 insinuations, such as — I do not understand such freedoms, d — me! D— n my blood! I’m a gentleman, and bear the king’s commission. ‘Sblood! some people deserve to have their noses pulled for their impertinence.” I thought to have checked these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of his valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass23 in a lion’s skin; but this expedient24 did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage25 at the contraction26 of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky looks a fig’s end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect her from all the attempts of highwaymen during our journey. “Make yourself perfectly27 easy on that head, madam,” replied the officer. “I have got a pair of pistols (here they are), which I took from a horse officer at the battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in England robs you of the value of a pin while I have the honour of being in your company, d — n my heart.” When he had expressed himself in this manner, a prim2 gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before ladies. “D— me, madam,” cried the champion, “if you are so much afraid at the sight of a pistol, how d’ye propose to stand fire if there should be occasion?” She then told him that, if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure28 a convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea interposed, and observed that, far from being offended at a gentleman’s using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people, who have but little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous29 about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed before they speak slightingly of other people’s fortune, lest they discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter declared, that she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches; and if the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission30, in case we should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my young mistress, and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in my favour, when all of a sudden Strap31 rode up to the coach door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and made directly towards us.
This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer’s teeth chattered32, while he pronounced, “’Tis no matter — we’ll sue the county and recover.” The captain gave evident signs of confusion: and I, after having commanded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the warrior33 to follow me. But, finding him backward and astonished, I took his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by this time alighted and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; and, taking my own (which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on horseback, and another man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some distance to reconnoitre us: and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way they came, at a hand gallop34. A gentleman’s servant coming up with a horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer’s pistols, and we galloped35 after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and then, firing at us, put their nags36 to the full speed. We followed them as fast as our beasts could carry us; but, not being so well mounted as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and was taken without the least opposition37; while his comrade consulted his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress38 of his friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his hands together, before he recovered his senses, when, learning his situation he affected39 surprise, demanded to know by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence40 to threaten us with a prosecution41 for robbery. In the meantime, we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed up with different kinds of weapons; and among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had secured, than he cried with great emotion, “There’s the fellow who robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.” He was immediately searched, and the money found exactly as it had been described; upon which we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried him to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer had alarmed; and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the captain and lawyer busy in administering smelling bottles and cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of firing.
When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour, and said she was glad to see me returned without having received any injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution: the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parliament to a reward of forty pounds, for having apprehended42 a highwayman. The soldier observed, with a countenance43 in which impudence and shame struggling, produced some disorder44, that if I had not been in such a d — d hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues45 effectually, without all this bustle46 and loss of time, by a scheme, which my heat and precipitation ruined. “For my own part,” continued he, “I am always extremely cool on these occasions. “So it appeared, by your trembling,” said the young lady. “Death and d — ion!” cried he, your sex protects you, madam; if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I’d send him to hell, d — n my heart! in an instant.” So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had seen him tremble? I answered without hesitation47, “Yes.” “D— me, sir!” said he, “d’ye doubt my courage?” I replied, “Very much.” This declaration quite disconcerted him. He looked blank, and pronounced with a faltering48 voice, “Oh! it’s very well: d — n my blood! I shall find a time.” I signified my contempt of him, by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled49 him so much, that he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey.
The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry50 coin, throw persons of honour into such quandaries51 as might endanger their lives; and professed52 her surprise that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality53. At the same time vowing54 that for the future she would never set foot in a stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love or money.
Nettled55 at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense should be so unreasonable56 as to expect that people, who had neither acquaintance nor connection with her, would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and maltreated, merely to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise confessed my astonishment57 at her insolence58 and ingratitude59 in taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her approbation60 and acknowledgment; and vowed61 that, if ever she should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection.
This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation62 any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment63 with the crestfallen64 captain, while I entered into discourse65 with my charmer, who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness66 of her genius, could she have curbed67 her imagination with judgment68; but she laboured under such a profusion69 of talk, that I dreaded70 her unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation71 the horrors of an eternal clack! However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys attending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and tried to insinuate72 myself into her affection. The careful mother kept a strict watch over her and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities of discouraging our communication, by reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less and think more. Abridged73 of the use of speech, we conversed74 with our eyes, and I found the young lady very eloquent75 in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason to believe that she was sick of the old gentlewoman’s tuition, and that I should find it no difficult matter to supersede76 her authority.
When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted, and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother who called for a private room to which they withdrew in order to eat by themselves. As they retired77 together, I perceived that Miss had got more twists from nature than I had before observed for she was bent78 sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very much resembled that of a crab79. The prude also chose the captain for her messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only, to be brought into another separate room: while the lawyer and I, deserted80 by the rest of the company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a good deal chagrined81 at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I thought, did not use me with all the complaisance82 I deserved; and my companion declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years, and never knew the stage coach rules so much infringed83 before. As for the honourable84 gentlewoman I could not conceive the meaning of her attachment85 to the lieutenant86; and asked the lawyer if he knew for which of the soldier’s virtues87 she admired him? The counsellor facetiously88 replied, “I suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement in tail.” I could not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained me during breakfast with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at the expense of our fellow travellers; and among other things said, he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances.
When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed89 the driver with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal. This task he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment90 with his importunate91 clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons first, and, coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire the coachman’s assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. They were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared, as much heated as if he had been pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately after him came the lady, not without some marks of disorder. Having helped her up, he entered himself, growling92 a few oaths against the coachman for his impertinent interruption; and the lawyer comforted him by saying, that if he had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy93 of the defendant94, he might have an opportunity to join issue at the next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him repent95 of such obscenity, and thanked God, he had never been in such company before. At this insinuation the captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing96 the lady’s cause; and accordingly threatened to cut off the lawyer’s ears, if he should give his tongue any such liberties for the future. The poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal silence ensued.
1 witty | |
adj.机智的,风趣的 | |
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2 prim | |
adj.拘泥形式的,一本正经的;n.循规蹈矩,整洁;adv.循规蹈矩地,整洁地 | |
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3 upbraid | |
v.斥责,责骂,责备 | |
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4 deformed | |
adj.畸形的;变形的;丑的,破相了的 | |
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5 hatchet | |
n.短柄小斧;v.扼杀 | |
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6 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
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7 complexion | |
n.肤色;情况,局面;气质,性格 | |
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8 vivacity | |
n.快活,活泼,精神充沛 | |
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9 encumbered | |
v.妨碍,阻碍,拖累( encumber的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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10 engrossed | |
adj.全神贯注的 | |
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11 revolved | |
v.(使)旋转( revolve的过去式和过去分词 );细想 | |
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12 recollected | |
adj.冷静的;镇定的;被回忆起的;沉思默想的v.记起,想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13 wager | |
n.赌注;vt.押注,打赌 | |
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14 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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15 affronted | |
adj.被侮辱的,被冒犯的v.勇敢地面对( affront的过去式和过去分词 );相遇 | |
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16 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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17 heartily | |
adv.衷心地,诚恳地,十分,很 | |
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18 laconic | |
adj.简洁的;精练的 | |
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19 reproof | |
n.斥责,责备 | |
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20 appease | |
v.安抚,缓和,平息,满足 | |
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21 wrath | |
n.愤怒,愤慨,暴怒 | |
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22 martial | |
adj.战争的,军事的,尚武的,威武的 | |
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23 ass | |
n.驴;傻瓜,蠢笨的人 | |
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24 expedient | |
adj.有用的,有利的;n.紧急的办法,权宜之计 | |
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25 umbrage | |
n.不快;树荫 | |
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26 contraction | |
n.缩略词,缩写式,害病 | |
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27 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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28 procure | |
vt.获得,取得,促成;vi.拉皮条 | |
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29 solicitous | |
adj.热切的,挂念的 | |
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30 submission | |
n.服从,投降;温顺,谦虚;提出 | |
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31 strap | |
n.皮带,带子;v.用带扣住,束牢;用绷带包扎 | |
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32 chattered | |
(人)喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 ); 唠叨; (牙齿)打战; (机器)震颤 | |
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33 warrior | |
n.勇士,武士,斗士 | |
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34 gallop | |
v./n.(马或骑马等)飞奔;飞速发展 | |
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35 galloped | |
(使马)飞奔,奔驰( gallop的过去式和过去分词 ); 快速做[说]某事 | |
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36 nags | |
n.不断地挑剔或批评(某人)( nag的名词复数 );不断地烦扰或伤害(某人);无休止地抱怨;不断指责v.不断地挑剔或批评(某人)( nag的第三人称单数 );不断地烦扰或伤害(某人);无休止地抱怨;不断指责 | |
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37 opposition | |
n.反对,敌对 | |
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38 distress | |
n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
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39 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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40 impudence | |
n.厚颜无耻;冒失;无礼 | |
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41 prosecution | |
n.起诉,告发,检举,执行,经营 | |
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42 apprehended | |
逮捕,拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 ); 理解 | |
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43 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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44 disorder | |
n.紊乱,混乱;骚动,骚乱;疾病,失调 | |
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45 rogues | |
n.流氓( rogue的名词复数 );无赖;调皮捣蛋的人;离群的野兽 | |
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46 bustle | |
v.喧扰地忙乱,匆忙,奔忙;n.忙碌;喧闹 | |
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47 hesitation | |
n.犹豫,踌躇 | |
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48 faltering | |
犹豫的,支吾的,蹒跚的 | |
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49 humbled | |
adj. 卑下的,谦逊的,粗陋的 vt. 使 ... 卑下,贬低 | |
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50 paltry | |
adj.无价值的,微不足道的 | |
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51 quandaries | |
n.窘困( quandary的名词复数 );不知所措;左右为难 | |
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52 professed | |
公开声称的,伪称的,已立誓信教的 | |
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53 brutality | |
n.野蛮的行为,残忍,野蛮 | |
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54 vowing | |
起誓,发誓(vow的现在分词形式) | |
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55 nettled | |
v.拿荨麻打,拿荨麻刺(nettle的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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56 unreasonable | |
adj.不讲道理的,不合情理的,过度的 | |
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57 astonishment | |
n.惊奇,惊异 | |
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58 insolence | |
n.傲慢;无礼;厚颜;傲慢的态度 | |
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59 ingratitude | |
n.忘恩负义 | |
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60 approbation | |
n.称赞;认可 | |
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61 vowed | |
起誓,发誓(vow的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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62 altercation | |
n.争吵,争论 | |
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63 resentment | |
n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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64 crestfallen | |
adj. 挫败的,失望的,沮丧的 | |
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65 discourse | |
n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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66 sprightliness | |
n.愉快,快活 | |
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67 curbed | |
v.限制,克制,抑制( curb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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69 profusion | |
n.挥霍;丰富 | |
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70 dreaded | |
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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71 anticipation | |
n.预期,预料,期望 | |
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72 insinuate | |
vt.含沙射影地说,暗示 | |
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73 abridged | |
削减的,删节的 | |
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74 conversed | |
v.交谈,谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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75 eloquent | |
adj.雄辩的,口才流利的;明白显示出的 | |
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76 supersede | |
v.替代;充任 | |
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77 retired | |
adj.隐退的,退休的,退役的 | |
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78 bent | |
n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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79 crab | |
n.螃蟹,偏航,脾气乖戾的人,酸苹果;vi.捕蟹,偏航,发牢骚;vt.使偏航,发脾气 | |
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80 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
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81 chagrined | |
adj.懊恼的,苦恼的v.使懊恼,使懊丧,使悔恨( chagrin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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82 complaisance | |
n.彬彬有礼,殷勤,柔顺 | |
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83 infringed | |
v.违反(规章等)( infringe的过去式和过去分词 );侵犯(某人的权利);侵害(某人的自由、权益等) | |
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84 honourable | |
adj.可敬的;荣誉的,光荣的 | |
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85 attachment | |
n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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86 lieutenant | |
n.陆军中尉,海军上尉;代理官员,副职官员 | |
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87 virtues | |
美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
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88 facetiously | |
adv.爱开玩笑地;滑稽地,爱开玩笑地 | |
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89 bribed | |
v.贿赂( bribe的过去式和过去分词 );向(某人)行贿,贿赂 | |
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90 enjoyment | |
n.乐趣;享有;享用 | |
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91 importunate | |
adj.强求的;纠缠不休的 | |
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92 growling | |
n.吠声, 咆哮声 v.怒吠, 咆哮, 吼 | |
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93 obstinacy | |
n.顽固;(病痛等)难治 | |
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94 defendant | |
n.被告;adj.处于被告地位的 | |
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95 repent | |
v.悔悟,悔改,忏悔,后悔 | |
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96 espousing | |
v.(决定)支持,拥护(目标、主张等)( espouse的现在分词 ) | |
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