Chapter 4 Communicating

      Everyone seems to have a different sense of the word"communication," but the definitions usually gosomething like this: "It's an exchange of informationbetween two or more people" . . . "It's getting your messageacross" ... "It's being understood."In the early days of Neuro-Linguistic Programming(NLP), a research project devoted to "the study of excellenceand a model of how individuals structure their subjectivesensory experience," Richard Bandler and JohnGrinder created an effective definition: "The meaning of20communication lies in the response it gets." This is simple,and brilliant, because it means that it's 100% up toyou whether or not your own communication succeeds.

After all, you axe the one with a message to deliver or agoal to achieve, and you are the one with the responsibilityto make it happen. What's more, if it doesn't work, youare the one with the flexibility to change what you do untilyou finally get what you want. In order to give some formand function to communication here, let's assume that wehave some kind of response or outcome in mind. Peoplewho are low on communication skills usually have notthought out the response they want from the other personin the first place and therefore cannot aim for it.

The skills you will learn here will serve you on all levelsof communication from social dealings like developingnew relationships and being understood in your dailyinteractions all the way to life-changing moves for yourselfand those in your sphere of influence.

The formula for effective communication has threedistinct parts:

Know what you want. Formulate your intention in theaffirmative and preferably in the present tense. Forexample, "I want a successful relationship, I have filledmy imagination with what that relationship will look,sound, feel, smell and taste like with me in it, and I knowwhen I will have it" is an affirmative statement, asopposed to "I don't want to be lonely."21Find out what you're getting. Get feedback. You findthat hanging out in smoky bars is not for you.

Change what you do until you get what you want.

Design a plan and follow through with it: "I'll invite 10people over for dinner every Saturday night." Do it andget more feedback. Redesign if necessary, and do it againwith more feedback. Repeat the cycle—redesign-do-getfeedback—until you get what you want. You can applythis cycle to any area of your life that you want toimprove—finance, romance, sports, career, you name it.

Know what you want.

Find out what you're getting.

Change what you do until you get what you want.

This is terrifically easy to remember because acertain Colonel had the good sense to open achain of restaurants using the abbreviation KFCfor a name. Every time we see one of his signs,we can ask ourselves how well the developmentof our communication skills is going.


What's Coming Up ...

IIn the following chapters, we'll examine the arena ofrapport in much more detail, as well as the value of aReally Useful Attitude in projecting a positive image of22yourself. You'll learn what happens at first sight on thesurface and below the surface and the importance ofhaving your body language, your voice tone and yourwords be congruent, or all saying the same thing. Nocrossed signals, no mixed messages, no confusion.

You'll discover how your body language appeals tosome but not others and how, by making a few adjustmentsto your own movements, you can positively affectthe way people feel about you.

Then we'll delve deep into the warm and welcomingworld of synchrony. You'll learn how to align yourselfwith the signals other people send you so that they'llfeel a natural familiarity and comfort around you. We'llalso discuss the massive importance of voice tone andhow it influences the moods and emotions we want toconvey.

A whole chapter is devoted to starting and maintainingsparkling conversation. We'll explore all the ways toopen people up and avoid closing them down. We'll alsodeal with compliments, obtaining free information andbeing memorable.

Finally we'll go even deeper, down to the very coreof the human psyche. The astonishing truth is thatalthough we navigate the world through our five senses,each of us has one sense that we rely on more than theother four. I'll show you how people are giving cluesabout their favorite sense all the time and how you can23move onto the same sensory wavelength as theirs. Dopeople who rely mainly on their ears differ from thosewho rely mainly on their eyes? Darn right they do, andyou'll find out how to tailor your approach to communicatewith them.

Each chapter includes at least one exercise that willhelp you realize the power of connecting. Some of theseexercises can be done alone, but others you have to dowith a partner. Let's face it, face-to-face communicationand rapport skills are interactive activities—you can'tlearn to do them all by yourself.

So there it is. Connecting. All day long, men, womenand children give away vital keys to what makes themtick—to how they experience and filter the world—through their body language, their tone of voice, their eyemovements and their choice of words. They simply cannothelp doing this. Now it's up to you to learn how to usethis wonderful, nonstop flood of information to achieveimproved outcomes and more satisfying relationships.