He hates coming to these events and as usualis stuck for words. He's beginning to get thatsquirmy feeling. He doesn't know anyone except for hisaccountant, who's sitting at the other end of the banquethall and making everyone laugh. Suddenly the guest acrossfrom him, a young woman in a shiny blue dress who caughthis eye a few moments ago even though they hadn't spoken,tells the man on her left that she is an avid stamp collector.
Gust like Mark!
Mark is relieved and overjoyed because chance has givenhim an excuse to talk to her. They have something in common—stamps. Mark speaks up and tells Tanya all about hisrare 1948 Poached Egg stamp and how he found it when hisPontiac broke down in Cortlandville in upper New YorkState. With both elbows on the edge of the table and a -.
When we set out to establish rapport by design, wepurposely reduce the distance and differences betweenanother person and ourselves by finding commonground. When this happens, we feel a natural connectionwith the person, or persons, because we are akin—we have become like each other.
As rapport develops between Mark and Tanya in the32finger poised gently on her cheek, close to her ear, Tanyaleans toward Mark; her pupils dilate slightly as her shouldersbecome softer and more relaxed. Mark too leans forwardon his elbows, smiling as Tanya smiles, nodding asshe nods. She sips her water; he finds himself doing thesame ...
Mark and Tanya have established rapport. They connectedand initiated a relationship through a commoninterest. Their rapport is evident on many levels—thecues and rhythms they are taking from and sending toeach other, the imperceptible modifications of behaviorthey are making without thinking. The shared interesthas given them proximity, and they are adjusting to oneanother. Who knows where it will lead? They like eachother because they are like each other, and the danceof rapport has begun to calibrate itself. They havemade a favorable connection in 90 seconds or less.
story box above, there is a lot more going on than meetsthe eye. The average person would perhaps not notice,but to the trained eye and ear there is plenty happening.
As their shared interest in stamps emerges, so does asimilarity in their behavior toward each other. Bodylanguage, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact,breathing patterns, body rhythms and many more33physiological activities come into alignment. Simply put,they unconsciously start to behave in a like manner.
They start synchronizing their actions.
Rapport by design is established by deliberatelyaltering your behavior, just for a short time, in order tobecome like the other person. You become an adapter,just long enough to establish a connection. Preciselywhat you can adapt and how to do it is what you areabout to learn in the chapters that follow.
All you will need at your disposal is your attitude,your appearance, your body, your facial expressions,your eyes, the tone and rhythms of your voice, your talentfor structuring words into engaging conversationand your about-to-be-revealed gift for discoveringanother person's favorite sense. Add to this an ability tolisten to and observe other people and a very large helpingof curiosity. No gadgets, no appliances, no aphrodisiacs,no pills, no checkbook, no big stick. Just thewonderful gifts you were born with—and your heartwarmingdesire for the company of other people.
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