AT TIMES I FELT LIKE I was failing Maureen, like I wasn't keeping my promise that I'd protect her梩he promise I'd made to her when I held her on the way home from the hospital after she'd been born. I couldn't get her what she needed most梙ot baths, a warm bed, steaming bowls of Cream of Wheat before school in the morning梑ut I tried to do little things. When she turned seven that year, I told Brian and Lori that she needed a special birthday celebration. We knew Mom and Dad wouldn't get her presents, so we saved for months, went to the Dollar General Store, and bought her a toy set of kitchen appliances that were pretty realistic: The agitator1 in the washing machine twisted around, and the refrigerator had metal shelves inside. We figured when she was playing, she could at least pretend to have clean clothes and regular meals.
"Tell me again about California," Maureen said after she opened the presents. Although she had been born there, she couldn't remember it. She always loved hearing our stories about life in the California desert, so we told them to her again, about how the sun shone all the time and it was so warm that we ran around barefoot even in the dead of winter, about how we ate lettuce2 in the farm fields and picked carloads of green grapes and slept on blankets under the stars. We told her that she was blond because she'd been born in a state where so much gold had been mined, and she had blue eyes the color of the ocean that washed onto California's beaches. "That's where I'm going to live when I grow up," Maureen said.
Although she longed for California, the magical place of light and warmth, she seemed happier than the rest of us kids in Welch. She was a storybook-beautiful girl, with long blond hair and startling blue eyes. She spent so much time with the families of her friends that she often didn't seem like a member of our family. A lot of her friends were Pentecostals whose parents held that Mom and Dad were disgracefully irresponsible and took it upon themselves to save Maureen's soul. They took her up like a surrogate daughter and brought her with them to revival3 meetings and to snake-handling services over in Jolo.
Under their influence, Maureen developed a powerful religious streak4. She got baptized more than once and was all the time coming home proclaiming that she'd been born again. Once she insisted that the devil had taken the form of a hoop5 snake with its tail in its mouth, and had rolled after her down the mountain, hissing6 that it would claim her soul. Brian told Mom we needed to keep Maureen away from those nutty Pentecostals, but Mom said we all came to religion in our individual ways and we each needed to respect the religious practices of others, seeing as it was up to every human being to find his or her own way to heaven.
* * *Mom could be as wise as a philosopher, but her moods were getting on my nerves. At times she'd be happy for days on end, announcing that she had decided7 to think only positive thoughts, because if you think positive thoughts, then positive things will happen to you. But the positive thoughts would give way to negative thoughts, and the negative thoughts seemed to swoop8 into her mind the way a big flock of black crows takes over the landscape, sitting thick in the trees and on the fence rails and lawns, staring at you in ominous9 silence. When that happened, Mom would refuse to get out of bed, even when Lucy Jo showed up to drive her to school, honking10 impatiently.
One morning toward the end of the school year, Mom had a complete meltdown. She was supposed to write up evaluations11 of her students' progress, but she'd spent every free minute painting, and now the deadline was on her and the evaluations were unwritten. The remedial reading program was going to lose its funding, and the principal would be either furious or just plain disgusted. Mom couldn't bear to face the woman. Lucy Jo, who'd been waiting for Mom in the Dart12, drove off without her, and Mom lay wrapped up in blankets on the sofa bed, sobbing13 about how much she hated her life.
Dad wasn't there, and neither was Maureen. Brian, typically, started doing an impersonation of Mom carrying on and sobbing, but no one was laughing, so he picked up his books and walked out of the house. Lori sat next to Mom on the bed, trying to console her. I just stood in the doorway14 with my arms crossed, staring at her.
It was hard for me to believe that this woman with her head under the blankets, feeling sorry for herself and boohooing like a five-year-old, was my mother. Mom was thirty-eight, not young but not old, either. In twenty-five years, I told myself, I'd be as old as she was now. I had no idea what my life would be like then, but as I gathered up my schoolbooks and walked out the door, I swore to myself that it would never be like Mom's, that I would not be crying my eyes out in an unheated shack15 in some godforsaken holler.
I walked down Little Hobart Street. It had rained the night before, and the only sound was the gurgle of the runoff pouring down through the eroded16 gullies on the hillside. Thin streams of muddy water flowed across the road, seeping17 into my shoes and soaking my socks. The sole of my right shoe had come loose and flapped with each step.
Lori caught up with me, and we walked for a while in silence. "Poor Mom," Lori finally said. "She's got it tough.""No tougher than the rest of us," I said.
"Yes, she does," Lori said. "She's the one who's married to Dad.""That was her choice," I said. "She needs to be firmer, lay down the law for Dad instead of getting hysterical18 all the time. What Dad needs is a strong woman.""A caryatid wouldn't be strong enough for Dad.""What's that?""Pillars shaped like women," Lori said. "The ones holding up those Greek temples with their heads. I was looking at a picture of some the other day, thinking, Those women have the second toughest job in the world."* * *I disagreed with Lori. I thought a strong woman would be able to manage Dad. What he needed was someone who was focused and determined19, someone who would set ultimatums20 and stick to them. I figured I was strong enough to keep Dad in line. When Mom told me I was so focused it was scary, I know she didn't mean it as a compliment, but I took it that way.
My chance to prove that Dad could be managed came that summer, once school was out. Mom had to spend eight weeks up in Charleston, taking college courses to renew her teaching certificate. Or so she said. I wondered if she was looking for a way to get away from us all for a while. Lori, because of her good grades and art portfolio21, had been accepted into a government-sponsored summer camp for students with special aptitudes22. That left me, at thirteen, the head of the household.
Before Mom left, she gave me two hundred dollars. That was plenty, she said, to buy food for Brian and Maureen and me for two months and pay the water and electricity bills. I did the math. It came out to twenty-five dollars a week, or a little over three-fifty a day. I worked up a budget and calculated that we could indeed squeak23 by if I made extra money babysitting.
For the first week, everything went according to plan. I bought food and made meals for Brian, Maureen, and me. It had been almost a year since the welfare man had scared us into cleaning the house, and it was once again an unholy mess. Mom would have had a fit if I had thrown anything out, but I spent hours straightening up and trying to organize the huge stacks of junk.
Dad usually stayed out at night until we were in bed, and he would still be asleep when we got up and left in the morning. But one afternoon about a week after Mom had gone to Charleston, he caught me alone in the house.
"Hon, I need some money," he said.
"For what?""Beer and cigarettes.""I've got sort of a tight budget, Dad.""I don't need much. Just five dollars."That was two days' worth of food. A half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, two cans of jack24 mackerel, a small bag of apples, and some popcorn25. And Dad wasn't even doing me the honor of pretending he needed the money for something useful. He also didn't argue or wheedle26 or cajole or ratchet the charm way up. He simply waited for me to fork over the cash, as if he knew I didn't have it in me to say no. And I didn't. I took out my green plastic change purse and pulled out a crumpled27 five and passed it over slowly.
"You're a doll," Dad said and gave me a kiss.
I pulled my head back. Giving him that money pissed me off. I was mad at myself but even madder at Dad. He knew I had a soft spot for him the way no one else in the family did, and he was taking advantage of it. I felt used. The girls at school always talked about how this or that guy was a user and how such and such a girl got used, and now I understood, from deep inside, the meaning of that word.
When Dad asked me for another five bucks28 a few days later, I gave it to him. It made me feel sick thinking I was now ten dollars off budget. In a few more days, he asked for twenty.
"Twenty dollars?" I couldn't believe Dad was pushing me this far. "Why twenty?""Goddammit, since when do I have to explain myself to my children?" Dad asked. In the next breath, he told me that he had borrowed a friend's car and needed to buy gas so he could drive to Gary for a business meeting. "I need money to make money. I'll pay you back." He looked at me, defying me to disbelieve him.
"I've got bills piling up," I said. I heard my voice growing shrill29, but I couldn't control it. "I've got kids to feed.""Don't you worry about food and bills," Dad said. "That's for me to worry about. Okay?"I put my hand in my pocket. I didn't know if I was reaching for my money or trying to protect it.
"Have I ever let you down?" Dad asked.
I'd heard that question at least two hundred times, and I'd always answered it the way I knew he wanted me to, because I thought it was my faith in Dad that had kept him going all those years. I was about to tell him the truth for the first time, about to let him know that he'd let us all down plenty, but then I stopped. I couldn't do it. Dad, meanwhile, was saying he was not asking me for the money; he was telling me to give it to him. He needed it. Did I think he was a liar30 when he said he'd get it back to me?
I gave him the twenty dollars.
* * *That Saturday, Dad told me that to pay me back, he had to earn the money first. He wanted me to accompany him on a business trip. He said I needed to wear something nice. He went through my dresses hanging from the pipe in the bedroom and picked out one with blue flowers that buttoned up the front. He had borrowed a car, an old pea-green Plymouth with a broken passenger-side window, and we drove through the mountains to a nearby town, stopping at a roadside bar.
The place was dark and as hazy31 as a battlefield from the cigarette smoke. Neon signs for Pabst Blue Ribbon and Old Milwaukee glowed on the walls. Gaunt men with creased32 cheeks and women with dark red lipstick33 sat along the bar. A couple of guys wearing steel-toed boots played pool.
Dad and I took seats at the bar. Dad ordered Buds for himself and me, even though I told him I wanted a Sprite. After a while, he got up to play pool, and no sooner had he left his stool than a man came over and sat on it. He had a black mustache that curved around the sides of his mouth and coal grime under his fingernails. He poured salt in his beer, which Dad said some guys did because they liked to make extra foam34.
"Name's Robbie," he said. "That your man there?" He gestured toward Dad.
"I'm his daughter," I said.
He took a lick of foam and started asking me about myself, leaning in close as he talked. "How old are you, girl?""How old do you think?" I asked.
"About seventeen."I smiled, putting my hand over my teeth.
"Know how to dance?" he asked. I shook my head. "Sure you do," he said and pulled me off the stool. I looked over at Dad, who grinned and waved.
On the jukebox, Kitty Wells was singing about married men and honky-tonk angels. Robbie held me close, with his hand on the small of my back. We danced to a second song, and when we sat down again on the stools facing the pool table, our backs against the bar, he slid his arm behind me. That arm made me tense but not entirely35 unhappy. No one had flirted36 with me since Billy Deel, unless you counted Kenny Hall.
Still, I knew what Robbie was after. I was going to tell him I wasn't that sort of girl, but then I thought he would say I was getting ahead of myself. After all, the only thing he'd done was dance me slow and put his arm around me. I caught Dad's eye. I expected him to come barreling across the room and whock Robbie with a pool cue for getting fresh with his daughter. Instead, he hollered to Robbie, "Do something worthwhile with those damned hands of yours. Get over here and play me a game of pool."They ordered whiskeys and chalked their cues. Dad held back at first and lost some money to Robbie, then started upping the stakes and beating him. After every game, Robbie wanted to dance with me again. It went on that way for a couple of hours, with Robbie getting sloppy37 drunk, losing to Dad, and groping me when we danced or sat at the bar between games. All Dad said to me was. "Keep your legs crossed, honey, and keep 'em crossed tight."After Dad had taken him for about eighty bucks, Robbie started muttering angrily to himself. He snapped down the cue chalk, sending up a puff38 of blue powder, and missed a final shot. He flung his cue on the table and announced he'd had enough, then sat down next to me. His eyes were bleary. He kept saying he couldn't believe that old fart had beat him out of eighty bucks, as if he couldn't decide whether he was pissed off or impressed.
Then he told me he lived in an apartment over the bar. He had a Roy Acuff record that wasn't on the jukebox, and he wanted us to go upstairs and listen to it. If all he wanted to do was dance some more and maybe kiss a little, I could handle that. But I had the feeling he thought he was entitled to something in return for losing so much money.
"I'm not sure," I said.
"Aw, come on," he said and shouted at Dad, "I'm going to take your girl upstairs.""Sure," Dad said. "Just don't do anything I wouldn't do." He pointed39 his pool cue at me. "Holler if you need me," he said and winked40 at me as if to say he knew I could take care of myself, that this was just a part of my job.
So, with Dad's blessing41, I went upstairs. Inside the apartment, we pushed through a curtain made from strands42 of beer-can pull tabs linked together. Two men sat on a couch watching wrestling on television. When they saw me, they grinned wolfishly at Robbie, who put on the Roy Acuff record without turning down the television. He pressed me to him and started dancing again, but I knew this was not going in a direction I wanted, and I resisted him. His hands dropped down. He squeezed my bottom, pushed me onto the bed, and began kissing me. "All right!" one friend said, and the other yelled. "Get it on!""I'm not that kind of girl," I said, but he ignored me. When I tried rolling away, he pinned back my arms. Dad had said to holler if I needed him, but I didn't want to scream. I was so angry at Dad that I couldn't bear the idea of him rescuing me. Robbie, meanwhile, was saying something about me being too bony to screw.
"Yeah, most guys don't like me," I said. "Besides being skinny, I got these scars.""Oh, sure," he said. But he paused.
I rolled off the bed, quickly unbuttoned my dress at the waist, and pulled it open to show him the scar on my right side. For all he knew, my entire torso was one giant mass of scar tissue. Robbie looked uncertainly at his friends. It was like seeing a gap in a fence.
"I think I hear Dad calling," I said, then made for the door.
* * *In the car, Dad took out the money he'd won and counted off forty dollars, which he passed to me.
"We make a good team," he said.
I felt like throwing the money at him, but we kids needed it, so I put the bills in my purse. We hadn't scammed Robbie, but we'd worked him in a way that felt downright sleazy, and I'd ended up in a tight spot. If Robbie had been set up by Dad, so had I.
"You upset about something, Mountain Goat?"For a moment I considered not telling Dad. I was afraid there'd be bloodshed, since he was always going on about how he'd kill anyone who laid a finger on me. Then I decided I wanted to see the guy pummeled. "Dad, that creep attacked me when we were upstairs.""I'm sure he just pawed you some," Dad said as we pulled out of the parking lot. "I knew you could handle yourself."The road back to Welch was dark and empty. The wind whistled through the broken window on my side of the Plymouth. Dad lit a cigarette. "It was like that time I threw you into the sulfur43 spring to teach you to swim," he said. "You might have been convinced you were going to drown, but I knew you'd do just fine."THE NEXT EVENING Dad disappeared. After a couple of days, he wanted me to go out with him again to some bar, but I said no. Dad got ticked off and said that if I wasn't going to team up with him, the least I could do was stake him some pool-shooting money. I found myself forking over a twenty, and then another in a few days.
Mom had told me to expect a check in early July for the lease on her Texas land. She also warned me that Dad would try to get his hands on it. Dad actually waited at the foot of the hill for the mailman and took it from him on the day it arrived, but when the mailman told me what had happened, I ran down Little Hobart Street and caught Dad before he got into town. I told him Mom had wanted me to hide the check until she returned. "Let's hide it together," Dad said and suggested we stash44 it in the 1933 World Book Encyclopedia45 Mom got free from the library梪nder. "currency."The next day when I went to rehide the check, it was gone. Dad swore he had no idea what happened to it. I knew he was lying, but I also knew if I accused him, he'd deny it and there'd be a loud yelling match that wouldn't do me any good. For the first time, I had a clear idea of what Mom was up against. Being a strong woman was harder than I had thought. Mom still had more than a month in Charleston; we were about to run out of grocery money; and my babysitting income wasn't making up the difference.
I had seen a help-wanted sign in the window of a jewelry46 store on McDowell Street called Becker's Jewel Box. I put on a lot of makeup47, my best dress梚t was purple, with tiny white dots and a sash that tied in the back梐nd a pair of Mom's high heels, since we wore the same size. Then I walked around the mountain to apply for the job.
I pushed open the door, jangling the bells hanging overhead. Becker's Jewel Box was a fancy store, the kind of place I never had occasion to go into, with a humming air conditioner and buzzing fluorescent48 lights. Locked glass display cases held rings and necklaces and brooches, and a few guitars and banjos hung on the pine-board-paneled walls to diversify49 the merchandise. Mr. Becker was leaning on the counter with his fingers interlocked. He had a stomach so big that his thin black belt reminded me of the equator circling the globe.
I was afraid that Mr. Becker wouldn't give me the job if he knew I was only thirteen, so I told him I was seventeen. He hired me on the spot for forty dollars a week, in cash. I was thrilled. It was my first real job. Babysitting and tutoring and doing other kids' homework and mowing50 lawns and redeeming51 bottles and selling scrap52 metal didn't count. Forty dollars a week was serious money.
* * *I liked the work. People buying jewelry were always happy, and even though Welch was a poor town, Becker's Jewel Box had plenty of customers: older miners buying their wives a mother's pin, a brooch with a birthstone for each of her children; teenage couples shopping for engagement rings, the girl giggling53 with excitement, the boy acting54 proud and manly55.
During the slow spells, Mr. Becker and I watched the Watergate hearings on a little black-and-white TV. Mr. Becker was captivated by John Dean's wife, Maureen, who sat behind her husband when he was testifying and wore elegant clothes and pulled her blond hair back in a tight bun. "Hot damn, that's one classy broad," Mr. Becker would say. Sometimes, after watching Maureen Dean, Mr. Becker got so randy that he came behind me while I was cleaning the display case and rubbed up against my backside. I'd pull his hands off and walk away without saying a word, and that horndog would return to the television as if nothing had happened.
When Mr. Becker went across the street to the Mountaineer Diner for lunch, he always took the key to the display case that held the diamond rings. If customers came in wanting to look at the rings, I had to run across the street to get him. Once he forgot to take the key, and when he returned, he made a big point of counting the rings in front of me. It was his way of letting me know he didn't trust me in the slightest. One day after Mr. Becker had come back from lunch and ostentatiously checked the display cases, I was so furious that I looked around to see if there was anything in the entire darn store worth stealing. Necklaces, brooches, banjos梟one of them did anything for me. And then the watch display caught my eye.
I had always wanted a watch. Unlike diamonds, watches were practical. They were for people on the run, people with appointments to keep and schedules to meet. That was the kind of person I wanted to be. Dozens of watches ticked away in the counter behind the cash register. There was one in particular that made me ache. It had four different-colored bands梑lack, brown, blue, and white梥o you could change your watchband to match your outfit56. It had a price tag of $29.95, ten dollars short of a week's salary. But if I wanted, it could be mine in an instant, and for free. The more I thought about that watch, the more it called to me.
One day the woman who worked at the store Mr. Becker owned in War stopped by. Mr. Becker wanted her to give me some beauty tips. While she was showing me her different makeup applicators, the woman, who had stiff platinum57 hair and eyelashes tarred in mascara, told me I must be earning a truckload in commissions. When I asked her what she meant, she said that in addition to her forty-dollar-a-week salary, she made 10 percent on every sale. Her commissions were sometimes double her salary. "Hell, welfare'll get you more than forty bucks a week," she said. "If you're not getting commissions, Becker's stiffing you."When I asked Mr. Becker about commissions, he said they were for salespeople58 and I was just an assistant. The next day, when Mr. Becker went off to the Mountaineer, I opened the display case and took out the four-band watch. I slipped it into my handbag and rearranged the remaining watches to cover the gap. I had made plenty of sales on my own when Mr. Becker was busy. Since he hadn't paid me any commissions, I was only taking what I was owed.
When Mr. Becker came back from lunch, he studied the diamond-ring display like he always did, but he didn't even glance at the watches. Walking home that evening with the watch hidden in my purse, I felt light and giddy. After dinner, I climbed into my bunk59 bed, where no one could see me, and tried on the watch with each of the bands, gesturing the way I figured rich people did.
Wearing the watch to work was out of the question, of course. I also realized that I could run into Mr. Becker in town at any time, so I decided that until school started, I'd put the watch on only at home. Then I began to wonder how I'd explain the watch to Brian and Lori and Mom and Dad. I also worried that Mr. Becker might see something thieflike in my expression. Sooner or later, he'd discover the missing watch and would question me, and I'd have to lie convincingly, which I wasn't very good at. If I wasn't convincing, I'd be sent off to a reform school with people like Billy Deel, and Mr. Becker would have the satisfaction of knowing he'd been right all along not to trust me.
I wasn't about to give him that satisfaction. The next morning I took the watch out of the wooden box where I kept my geode, put it in my purse, and brought it back to the store. All morning I nervously60 waited for Mr. Becker to leave for lunch. When he was finally gone, I opened the display case, slipped the watch inside, and rearranged the other watches around it. I moved fast. The week before, I had stolen the watch without breaking a sweat. But now I was terrified that someone would catch me putting it back.
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agitator
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| n.鼓动者；搅拌器 | |
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lettuce
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| n.莴苣；生菜 | |
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revival
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| n.复兴，复苏，（精力、活力等的）重振 | |
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streak
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| n.条理，斑纹，倾向，少许，痕迹；v.加条纹，变成条纹，奔驰，快速移动 | |
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hoop
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| n.（篮球）篮圈，篮 | |
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hissing
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| n. 发嘶嘶声, 蔑视 动词hiss的现在分词形式 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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swoop
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| n.俯冲，攫取；v.抓取，突然袭击 | |
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ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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honking
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| v.（使）发出雁叫似的声音，鸣（喇叭），按（喇叭）( honk的现在分词 ) | |
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evaluations
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| 估价( evaluation的名词复数 )； 赋值； 估计价值； [医学]诊断 | |
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dart
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| v.猛冲，投掷；n.飞镖，猛冲 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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shack
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| adj.简陋的小屋，窝棚 | |
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eroded
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| adj. 被侵蚀的，有蚀痕的 动词erode的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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seeping
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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ultimatums
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| 最后通牒( ultimatum的名词复数 ) | |
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portfolio
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| n.公事包；文件夹；大臣及部长职位 | |
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aptitudes
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| （学习方面的）才能，资质，天资( aptitude的名词复数 ) | |
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squeak
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jack
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popcorn
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wheedle
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crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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bucks
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| n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 )；钱；（英国十九世纪初的）花花公子；（用于某些表达方式）责任v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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liar
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hazy
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creased
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| （使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的过去式和过去分词 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹； 皱皱巴巴 | |
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lipstick
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| n.口红，唇膏 | |
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foam
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| v./n.泡沫，起泡沫 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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flirted
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sloppy
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| adj.邋遢的，不整洁的 | |
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puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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strands
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| n.（线、绳、金属线、毛发等的）股( strand的名词复数 )；缕；海洋、湖或河的)岸；（观点、计划、故事等的）部份v.使滞留，使搁浅( strand的第三人称单数 ) | |
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sulfur
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| n.硫，硫磺（=sulphur） | |
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stash
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| v.藏或贮存于一秘密处所；n.隐藏处 | |
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encyclopedia
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| n.百科全书 | |
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jewelry
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| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
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makeup
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| n.组织；性格；化装品 | |
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fluorescent
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| adj.荧光的，发出荧光的 | |
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diversify
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| v.（使）不同，（使）变得多样化 | |
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mowing
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| n.割草，一次收割量，牧草地v.刈，割( mow的现在分词 ) | |
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redeeming
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| 补偿的，弥补的 | |
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scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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giggling
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| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的现在分词 ) | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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platinum
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| n.白金 | |
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salespeople
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| n.售货员，店员；售货员( salesperson的名词复数 ) | |
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bunk
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| n.(车、船等倚壁而设的)铺位；废话 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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