PART II SING. SING.-A PRELUDE TO SING SING

PART II
SING. SING.
A PRELUDE¹ TO SING SING
Nearing the edge
Oblivious² I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
—“Close My Eyes”
Even now it’s hard to explain, to put into words how I existed in my relationship withTommy Mottola. It’s not that there are no words, it’s just that they still get stuck movingup from my gut³, or they disappear into the thickness of my anxiety. Tommy’s energy wasintense, more than overbearing; for me, it was an entire atmosphere. Even before he wouldenter the room I could sense the air change and my breath grow short. He rolled over melike a fog. His presence felt dense⁴ and oppressive. He was like humidity—inescapable.
Never when I was with him did I feel I could breathe easy and fully⁵ as myself. Hispower was pervasive⁶, and with it came an unspeakable unease. In the beginning of ourtime together I was walking on eggshells. Then it became a bed of nails, and then aminefield. I never knew when or what would make him blow, and the anxiety wasrelentless. In the eight years we were together I can’t recall ten minutes with him when Ifelt I could be comfortable—when I could simply be at all. I felt his grip was steadilychoking me off from my essence. I was disappearing in installments⁷.
It felt like he was cutting off my circulation, keeping me from friends and what little“family” I had. I couldn’t talk to anyone that wasn’t under Tommy’s control. I couldn’t goout or do anything with anybody. I couldn’t move freely in my own house.
Many nights I would lie on my side of our massive bed, under which I would keep mypurse filled with essentials just in case I had to make a quick escape—my “to go” bag. Ihad to wait for him to fall asleep. Keeping my eyes locked on him, I would gradually inchmy way to the edge of the bed and surgically⁸ roll my hips⁹ and swing my legs to the floor.
Never breaking my gaze, I’d tiptoe backward toward the door, which seemed a full cityblock away. Ever so carefully, I’d back out of the door. It was such a victory when I madeit out of the room! I’d softly creep down the grand dark-wood staircase like a burglarstealing a little peace of mind, then make my way to somewhere in the manor¹⁰. Often I justwanted to go to the kitchen for a snack, or to sit at the table and write down some lyrics¹¹.
But every time, right as I would start to settle into the calm of the quiet dark and begin tofind my breath—Beep! Beep! The intercom would go off.
I’d jump up, and the words “Whatcha doin’?” would crackle through the speaker, andI’d gasp¹² and once again lose my own air. Every move I made, everywhere I went, I wasmonitored—minute by minute, day after day, year after year.
It was as if I was being crushed right out of myself. Everything he felt he didn’t createor control was being strangled away. I created the fun and free girl in my videos so that Icould watch a version of myself be alive, live vicariously through her — the girl Ipretended to be, the girl I wished was me. I would view my videos as evidence that Iexisted.
I was living my dream but couldn’t leave my house. Lonely and trapped, I was heldcaptive in that relationship. Captivity¹³ and control come in many forms, but the goal isalways the same—to break down the captive’s will, to kill any notion of self-worth anderase the person’s memory of their own soul. I’m still not sure of the toll¹⁴ it has taken onme, how much of me was permanently¹⁵ destroyed or arrested—perhaps, among otherthings, my ability to completely trust people or to fully rest. But thankfully I smuggledmyself out bit by bit, through the lyrics of my songs.
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I tried to forget
As I closed my eyes
I sang some of what I couldn’t say. Though I do try, I cannot forget. Sometimes, withoutwarning, I am haunted by a nightmare or flashes of suffocating¹⁶. Sometimes I still feel theheaviness. Sometimes I have no air.

1 prelude   

n.序言，前兆，序曲

参考例句：

• The prelude to the musical composition is very long.这首乐曲的序曲很长。
• The German invasion of Poland was a prelude to World War II.德国入侵波兰是第二次世界大战的序幕。

2 oblivious   

adj.易忘的，遗忘的，忘却的，健忘的

参考例句：

• Mother has become quite oblivious after the illness.这次病后，妈妈变得特别健忘。
• He was quite oblivious of the danger.他完全没有察觉到危险。

3 gut   

n.[pl.]胆量；内脏；adj.本能的；vt.取出内脏

参考例句：

• It is not always necessary to gut the fish prior to freezing.冷冻鱼之前并不总是需要先把内脏掏空。
• My immediate gut feeling was to refuse.我本能的直接反应是拒绝。

4 dense   

a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的

参考例句：

• The general ambushed his troops in the dense woods. 将军把部队埋伏在浓密的树林里。
• The path was completely covered by the dense foliage. 小路被树叶厚厚地盖了一层。

5 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

6 pervasive   

adj.普遍的；遍布的，(到处)弥漫的；渗透性的

参考例句：

• It is the most pervasive compound on earth.它是地球上最普遍的化合物。
• The adverse health effects of car exhaust are pervasive and difficult to measure.汽车尾气对人类健康所构成的有害影响是普遍的，并且难以估算。

7 installments   

部分( installment的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• The first two installments were pretty close together in 1980. 第一次和节二次提款隔得很近，都是在1980年提的。
• You have an installments sales contract. 你已经订立了一份分期付款的买卖契约了。

8 surgically   

adv. 外科手术上, 外科手术一般地

参考例句：

• Unsightly moles can be removed surgically. 不雅观的痣可以手术去除。
• To bypass this impediment an almost mature egg cell is removed surgically. 为了克服这一障碍，通过手术，取出一个差不多成熟的卵细胞。

9 hips   

abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯，耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 )；[建筑学]屋脊；臀围（尺寸）；臀部…的

参考例句：

• She stood with her hands on her hips. 她双手叉腰站着。
• They wiggled their hips to the sound of pop music. 他们随着流行音乐的声音摇晃着臀部。 来自《简明英汉词典》

10 manor   

n.庄园，领地

参考例句：

• The builder of the manor house is a direct ancestor of the present owner.建造这幢庄园的人就是它现在主人的一个直系祖先。
• I am not lord of the manor,but its lady.我并非此地的领主，而是这儿的女主人。

11 lyrics   

n.歌词

参考例句：

• music and lyrics by Rodgers and Hart 由罗杰斯和哈特作词作曲
• The book contains lyrics and guitar tablatures for over 100 songs. 这本书有100多首歌的歌词和吉他奏法谱。

12 gasp   

n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说

参考例句：

• She gave a gasp of surprise.她吃惊得大口喘气。
• The enemy are at their last gasp.敌人在做垂死的挣扎。

13 captivity   

n.囚禁；被俘；束缚

参考例句：

• A zoo is a place where live animals are kept in captivity for the public to see.动物园是圈养动物以供公众观看的场所。
• He was held in captivity for three years.他被囚禁叁年。

14 toll   

n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟)

参考例句：

• The hailstone took a heavy toll of the crops in our village last night.昨晚那场冰雹损坏了我们村的庄稼。
• The war took a heavy toll of human life.这次战争夺去了许多人的生命。

15 permanently   

adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地

参考例句：

• The accident left him permanently scarred.那次事故给他留下了永久的伤疤。
• The ship is now permanently moored on the Thames in London.该船现在永久地停泊在伦敦泰晤士河边。

16 suffocating   

a.使人窒息的

参考例句：

• After a few weeks with her parents, she felt she was suffocating.和父母呆了几个星期后，她感到自己毫无自由。
• That's better. I was suffocating in that cell of a room.这样好些了，我刚才在那个小房间里快闷死了。