To announce our engagement, Tommy and I took my mother to a swanky dinner inmidtown Manhattan. As we walked outside after the meal, the city was all dressed up inits evening wear of bright lights and flashing billboards2, and I showed her the engagementring, a Cartier tricolor gold band with an immaculate, modest- sized diamond. It wasunderstated, but it was also Cartier. My mother looked at the delicate, dazzling ring on myslender (and very young) finger and quietly said, “You deserve it.”
That was it. She got into the limo I had waiting for her and rode away. I never reallyknew what she meant by that. But that was all that was left between us. There was nowomanly advice or girlish giggles—which, honestly, I didn’t expect, but I did think theoccasion called for more than a one-liner.
Many reasonable people have questioned why I married Tommy. But none of themquestioned the decision more than I did. I knew I would lose more power as a person, andI was already completely suffocating3 emotionally in the relationship. We were equallyyoked to each other through the music and the business. However, the personal powerdynamic between us was never equal. He convinced me that everything would be better ifwe were married, that things would be different. But what I really hoped was that hewould be different—that if I gave him this thing he so adamantly4 wanted, this marriagethat I believed he thought would legitimize him, or quell5 chatter6 about him having anaffair with an artist on the label, it would change him. I was never completely sure why hewanted to get married so badly. I prayed that in doing so he would calm down and loosenhis vise grip on my life. I hoped maybe he would trust his “wife” and let her breathe.
I was in my early twenties, just a few years removed from the shack7, and the conceptof a life that included both personal and professional fulfillment was unfathomable to me.
I truly believed that I was not worthy8 of both happiness and success. I was accustomed tomaking all my life choices based on survival.
Back then, I didn’t choose what glamorous9 outfit10 to wear each morning; I chose whatsurvival mechanism11 I needed to arm myself with that day. More than my personalhappiness, I needed my career as an artist to survive. Happiness was secondary. Happinesswas a fleeting12 bonus. I married Tommy because I thought it was the only way for me tosurvive in that relationship. I saw the power he could put behind my music, and he saw thepower my music could give him. Our holy matrimony was built on creativity andvulnerability. I respected Tommy as a partner. If only he had known how to give me therespect I was due as a human being.
At the first real wedding I ever attended I was the bride. I never dreamed of gettingmarried when I was young. I hadn’t really wanted to. In high school, girls fantasized aboutbig, poofy dresses and Long Island weddings while I visualized13 a dream of becoming asuccessful musician and actress. That’s all I cared about, so it was pretty ironic14 that Iended up having one of the decade’s most lavish15 New York weddings in one of thedecade’s most dramatic, voluminous gowns.
Apart from the ambition, Tommy and I were completely different, and the Black partof myself caused him confusion. From the moment Tommy signed me, he tried to washthe “urban” (translation: Black) off of me. And it was no different when it came to themusic. The songs on my very first demo, which would become my first smash album,were much more soulful, raw, and modern in their original state. Just as he did with myappearance, Tommy smoothed out the songs for Sony, trying to make them more general,more “universal,” more ambiguous. I always felt like he wanted to convert me into whathe understood—a “mainstream” (meaning white) artist. For instance, he never wanted meto wear my hair straight. I think to him it didn’t look naturally straight, it lookedstraightened. He thought it made me look too “urban” (translation: Black) or R & B, likeFaith Evans. Instead, he insisted that I always wear my loose and bouncy curls, which Ithink he thought made me look almost like an Italian girl (though, ironically, my curls area direct result of my Black DNA16, assisted by a good small-barrel curling wand to integratethe frizz).
My curls had certainly crisscrossed with Italian culture before I met Tommy. (I didlive in more than a dozen places on Long Island.) In the eleventh grade I attended a beautytech school. I was there mostly to kill time before I became a star (my only career goal). Itwas more creative, entertaining, and practical than regular high school. I’d alwaysstruggled with pulling a cohesive17 look together—there weren’t any of the tools or potionsat home for me to play with, and I certainly didn’t have a consistent crew of girls to gothrough the passage from girl to teen with. There was a real allure18 to gaining more refinedbeauty skills. Also, I was a huge fan of the musical film Grease growing up; I thought Icould have my own Pink Ladies moment. And I kinda did.
My beauty school class was made up of mostly Italian girls. There were mean girls,there were shy girls, there were regular girls, and then there were the girls. They were aclique of about three or four fabulous20 ones, who comparatively, of all the girls I’d everseen on Long Island, were the most glamorous—or rather, they seemed to be having themost fun with it. But they were so serious about their look.
Subtlety21, to these girls, was a waste of time and flavor. They were terminally tanned.
Their heavily highlighted hair was coiffed within an inch of its life, every ringlet, puff22, andbang sprayed into obedience23. Their makeup24 was bright, flashy, and perfectly25 applied26. Theywore their fingernails long and did. Some even had nail art: a line of tiny gold studs, ortheir initials in crystals on a perfect, thick, bright white “French”—major.
We all had to wear a uniform of a drab maroon27 button-up smock with white pants andhideous, chunky white nurse shoes. But these girls would not have their flamboyancehidden. They wore their smocks open, revealing the leggings and boys’ ribbed white tanktops with fancy, lacy bras they featured underneath28. And, of course, there was the jewelry29:
thick and thin gold link chains in flat, herringbone, and rope styles with Italian horns,crosses, and initial pendants dangling30 from them layered on their necks, hoops31 in theirears, and delicate gold and diamond rings on every finger.
They were so adult to me. They were obviously already having sex—obviously notonly because they carried their bodies in a particular way but because they let everybodyknow it. They talked easily and openly about sex (which was secretly shocking to me).
They called themselves “Guidettes,” and I had no idea what that meant, but I thought itwas cool they had a name, like a singing group or something.
They would roll up to the beauty school in flashy cars, bumping WBLS, the urbandance radio station—ooh, if they only knew we called it the “Black Liberation Station”—loud. And of course I knew every song, and I would sing them—like Jocelyn Brown’s“Somebody Else’s Guy” (I quite enjoyed laying into the big, slow vocals32 at the beginning)or “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin On But the Rent” by Gwen Guthrie. The girls loved it, and myteacher hated it, because I was always singing, blowing out notes rather than doingblowouts.
It was my singing and constant popping of jokes that won these flashy teen princessesover, because I was from another school, and I hadn’t formed my own confident look—Iwas not quite cool clique19 material. We did manage to do each other’s hair. Surprisingly,no one ever questioned me about my mixed texture33, the thickness (or thinness) of my lips,or any of my features. I learned a lot from those girls. They helped me bring more volumeand energy to my hair and more gloss34 to my lips.
We had more in common than one would imagine. There’s always been anunderground relationship between hip-hop and the mob in pop culture. We especiallyloved the style and swag of movies like The Godfather and Scarface. Later, I re-createdthe hot tub scene with Jay-Z for the “Heartbreaker” video. That video will always be oneof my favorites. I enjoyed paying homage35 to Elvira, Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, thetortured and trapped wife, who had a spectacular home and sexy designer clothes (I couldrelate).
Though I did try, it turned out that I was bound to be a beauty school dropout36. Most ofthe girls in my class were really focused and had talent for the field. They were destined37 todo hair. Thankfully, I had another sweet destiny waiting for me, because I certainly wouldnever be crowned queen of finger waves.
I could have never imagined just a few years after my five hundred hours with theGuidettes, I’d be at the altar with one of the most powerful men in the music industry—anItalian, no less. I hadn’t been looking for anyone romantically. I certainly wasn’t lookingfor a husband. And I most definitely wasn’t looking to marry Tommy, but it happenedanyway. And what a happening it was. Once I said yes to the marriage, I thought, Hey, wemight as well make it an event—an EXTRAVAGANZA! As with any project or productionI’m involved with, I wanted to bring as much optimism and festiveness38 to it as possible.
Tommy was also enthusiastic about the potential pomp and circumstance we could create.
He focused on curating the most influential39 and impressive audience—I mean, guest list—he could.
Clearly, there was no family or mother of the bride running the show here. Lord knowsthis task was way beyond anything my mother could ever comprehend. Besides, thiswedding was designed to be an entertainment-industry spectacle; even a capable mother orsister couldn’t manage the production we were going to put on. The wife of one ofTommy’s colleagues, who was a socially well-connected middle-aged40 woman, was giventhe role of production coordinator41. She helped me with all the major details, such as thedress.
That dress was an event unto itself. My coordinator was friends with one of the mostprominent female fashion designers of the era, whose specialty42 was bridal. It seemed like Ispent as much time in her showroom for fittings as I did in the studio for an entire album.
There were at least ten fittings—crazy for a girl who, not so long before, had only hadthree shirts in rotation43.
Of course, I was inspired by Princess Diana. Who wasn’t? She was an inspiring figure!
I loved that wedding, and really it was my only reference point for how a wedding shouldlook. I didn’t grow up looking at bridal magazines, and besides, the royals know how tothrow a good wedding—obviously. In the end, nearly every princess element or symbolimaginable could be found in that dress. The crème silk fabric44 was so fine, it seemed toglow. The sweetheart neckline swooped45 gracefully46 off the shoulder before blooming intoexaggerated poof sleeves. The structured bodice was intricately encrusted with crystalsand beads47 exploding into an enormous ball gown skirt, kept afloat by layers upon layers ofcrinolines. But the most notable feature was the ultra-dramatic twenty-seven-foot train,which required its own team of handlers. Affixed48 to a diamond tiara was an equally longveil. Syd Curry49 twirled my curls to tumble down like Rapunzel’s, and Billy B did my face,serving up both glamorous ingenue and Belle50 of the Ball. I had come a long way fromCinderella of the Shack. The bouquet51 was unforgettable: a cascade52 of roses and orchids,studded with various all-white blossoms romantically tangled53 with vines of ivy54. A smalltroupe of little girls threw white petals55 at my feet.
Tommy did not disappoint on his assignment either—the casting was impressive. Theguest list included heavy hitters from Barbra Streisand to Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joeland Christie Brinkley—even Ozzy Osbourne and Dick Clark! To top it all off, his bestman was Robert De Niro! Though my bridesmaids included my longtime and trustedfriends Josefin and Clarissa, they brought me no comfort. No one could. I was deathlyafraid.
I hardly remember the ceremony at the majestic56 Saint Thomas Church (we needed avenue that could accommodate the drama of the dress, after all).
I remember our song was “You and I (We Can Conquer the World)” by StevieWonder, because I chose it, of course. I recall my face shaking involuntarily at the altar.
But the moment those church doors opened up onto Fifth Avenue, I heard the roar ofscreams and saw the hordes58 of fans flooding every inch of sidewalk as far as the eye couldsee, camera flashes popping like fireworks. I walked down the stairs and smiled at them.
For me, my wedding wasn’t for all those rich and famous people I barely knew. It wasn’tfor my distant, dysfunctional family (though I do fondly remember my grandfather, bythen in the grips of dementia, lovingly yelling my name like he was on the block:
“Mariah! Mariah!”) To me, the wedding spectacle was mostly for the fans, and we gavethem the fabulous moment they deserved.
There was a star-studded reception at the Metropolitan59 Club (I liked the venue57 becauseit had “MC” monogrammed everywhere, but we didn’t mention that to TM) that I barelyremember. I was exhausted60. It had taken so much energy just to plan the thing and then getthrough it.
The night before I’d had a girls- only sleepover at the Mark Hotel. I was clearlyconflicted. My friends knew I didn’t even really believe in the institution of marriage, andyet here I was about to put on this major show with a man who was already showingdangerous signs, professionally and personally. He would become my next of kin1; thestifling hot mess of a relationship that I was already in with him would only become morefoul and imbalanced.
“You don’t have to do this,” they all said. But I truly believed I had to. I saw no wayout. I didn’t know what else to do. I’d learned how to endure disappointment and carry on,to make the best of things and keep working. I certainly knew how to live with fear. Ididn’t know life without fear.
Tommy and I pulled off the wedding. The next day we flew to Hawaii. I can’t, in goodconscience, refer to what we did as a “honeymoon.” It was not sweet. It was not dreamy.
At. All. We were staying at someone’s house, which was already pretty lackluster. I didn’treally care that much, since my relationship with Tommy was never about romance, butstill, it was technically61 my “honey moon-ish”?…Thankfully, the house was on the beach, and being near the ocean is always a comfortto me. The next day I had gone to the bathroom to change into a swimsuit when I heardTommy ranting62 on speakerphone. I could tell he was arguing. Great.
“What’s the matter?” I asked. He was on the phone with his very high- poweredpublicist, who was going ballistic, screaming and cursing because he didn’t want ourwedding photos on the cover of People, as we’d planned. The publicist was tellingTommy that it wasn’t appropriate for his executive image. His image? I mean, why gothrough all of that grandiosity63 for some little corner picture, as the publicist was urging? Ishared this opinion with him and Tommy. The publicist exploded.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” he yelled at me.
Tommy didn’t come to my defense64. So here I was, twentyish, on my honeymoon-ishwith a fiftyish- year- old man screaming and cursing at me over the phone while myfortyish husband sat there, not doing a damned thing about it. And to top it all off, I wasright! Of course our wedding should have been a big cover story. It was planned that way—this was show business!
While the two angry men yelled at each other and me like children, I broke out cryingand broke out of that house. I just started running aimlessly down the beach, tearsstreaming down my face. We hadn’t even digested the wedding cake, and here we wereagain, back to bickering65, back to raging, back to me being dismissed and outpowered.
Nothing had changed or calmed down. I just ran, not knowing where I was going.
Eventually I came upon a hotel with a beachside bar. Perfect, I thought, I could use adrink.
But when I sat down I realized that I had left empty-handed. I didn’t have a phone or apurse, no cash, no card, no ID. I couldn’t even get myself a sympathy drink to cry into.
With my hair bunched up in a topknot, wearing nothing but a bikini and a sarong, I lookedlike a thousand lonely young women on the beach, not like a famous pop star who hadsold millions of records worldwide. I most certainly didn’t look like a honeymooningbride. If anyone did recognize me, they left me alone—and no one could imagine howalone I felt.
I asked to use the phone and made a collect call to my manager (remember when youhad to memorize important phone numbers?). I asked him to give the bartender a creditcard number so I could at least get a drink. I ordered some sweet and sorry frozen daiquiri.
I sipped66 on it and listened to the waves crashing on the shore as the reality of the situationbegan to sink in.
Eventually I made my way back down the beach and to the house. But I knew the drill.
Once again Tommy and I would sit in silence, after all was said and done. The little bit ofhope I’d had that getting married would change him washed away like footprints in thesand. That was the day I began to hold my breath and resist the undertow of Tommy.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
kin
|
|
| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
billboards
|
|
| n.广告牌( billboard的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
suffocating
|
|
| a.使人窒息的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
adamantly
|
|
| adv.坚决地，坚定不移地，坚强不屈地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
quell
|
|
| v.压制，平息，减轻 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
chatter
|
|
| vi.／n.喋喋不休；短促尖叫；(牙齿)打战 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
shack
|
|
| adj.简陋的小屋，窝棚 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
worthy
|
|
| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
glamorous
|
|
| adj.富有魅力的；美丽动人的；令人向往的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
outfit
|
|
| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
mechanism
|
|
| n.机械装置；机构，结构 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
fleeting
|
|
| adj.短暂的，飞逝的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
visualized
|
|
| 直观的，直视的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
ironic
|
|
| adj.讽刺的，有讽刺意味的，出乎意料的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
lavish
|
|
| adj.无节制的；浪费的；vt.慷慨地给予，挥霍 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
DNA
|
|
| (缩)deoxyribonucleic acid 脱氧核糖核酸 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
cohesive
|
|
| adj.有粘着力的；有结合力的；凝聚性的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
allure
|
|
| n.诱惑力，魅力；vt.诱惑，引诱，吸引 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
clique
|
|
| n.朋党派系，小集团 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
fabulous
|
|
| adj.极好的；极为巨大的；寓言中的，传说中的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
subtlety
|
|
| n.微妙，敏锐，精巧；微妙之处，细微的区别 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
puff
|
|
| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
obedience
|
|
| n.服从，顺从 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
makeup
|
|
| n.组织；性格；化装品 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
perfectly
|
|
| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
applied
|
|
| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
maroon
|
|
| v.困住，使（人）处于孤独无助之境；n.逃亡黑奴；孤立的人；酱紫色，褐红色；adj.酱紫色的，褐红色的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
underneath
|
|
| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
jewelry
|
|
| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
dangling
|
|
| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
hoops
|
|
| n.箍( hoop的名词复数 )；（篮球）篮圈；（旧时儿童玩的）大环子；（两端埋在地里的）小铁弓 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
vocals
|
|
| （乐曲中的）歌唱部份，声乐部份( vocal的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
texture
|
|
| n.(织物)质地；(材料)构造；结构；肌理 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
gloss
|
|
| n.光泽，光滑；虚饰；注释；vt.加光泽于；掩饰 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
homage
|
|
| n.尊敬，敬意，崇敬 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
dropout
|
|
| n.退学的学生；退学；退出者 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
destined
|
|
| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
festiveness
|
|
| n.倔强，难以驾御 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
influential
|
|
| adj.有影响的，有权势的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
middle-aged
|
|
| adj.中年的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
coordinator
|
|
| n.协调人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
specialty
|
|
| n.(speciality)特性，特质；专业，专长 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
rotation
|
|
| n.旋转；循环，轮流 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
fabric
|
|
| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
swooped
|
|
| 俯冲，猛冲( swoop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
gracefully
|
|
| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
beads
|
|
| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
affixed
|
|
| adj.[医]附着的，附着的v.附加( affix的过去式和过去分词 )；粘贴；加以；盖（印章） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
curry
|
|
| n.咖哩粉，咖哩饭菜；v.用咖哩粉调味，用马栉梳，制革 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
belle
|
|
| n.靓女 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
bouquet
|
|
| n.花束，酒香 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
cascade
|
|
| n.小瀑布，喷流；层叠；vi.成瀑布落下 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
tangled
|
|
| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
ivy
|
|
| n.常青藤，常春藤 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
petals
|
|
| n.花瓣( petal的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
majestic
|
|
| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
venue
|
|
| n.犯罪地点，审判地，管辖地，发生地点，集合地点 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
hordes
|
|
| n.移动着的一大群( horde的名词复数 )；部落 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
59
metropolitan
|
|
| adj.大城市的，大都会的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
60
exhausted
|
|
| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
61
technically
|
|
| adv.专门地，技术上地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
62
ranting
|
|
| v.夸夸其谈( rant的现在分词 )；大叫大嚷地以…说教；气愤地)大叫大嚷；不停地大声抱怨 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
63
grandiosity
|
|
| n. 宏伟, 堂皇, 铺张 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
64
defense
|
|
| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
65
bickering
|
|
| v.争吵( bicker的现在分词 )；口角；（水等）作潺潺声；闪烁 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
66
sipped
|
|
| v.小口喝，呷，抿( sip的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |