And I missed a lot of life, but I’ll recoverThough I know you really like to see me sufferStill I wish that you and I’d forgive each other’Cause I miss you, Valentine, and really loved you—“Petals”
I called him T. D. Valentine. That was his stage name back in the day when he fanciedhimself a musician. He loved music, that much is true, and he found a way to have alifelong affair with it. As I’ve said, our mutual1 love of music, ambition, and power wascompletely intertwined with our personal relationship. Music was the relationship, but tryas we might, that couldn’t make it a marriage. I sincerely believed in my heart I would bewith Tommy forever. But my sanity2 and soul would not surrender to my heart, and themarriage swiftly began to harm me on an emotional and spiritual level.
There was a popular mythology3 that I was some sophisticated gold digger who baggeda big-time hit maker4 who was now bankrolling my princess lifestyle—that I was justsitting pretty on a throne in my thirty-million-dollar mansion5. The wedding certainly gavethat illusion, and that’s all it was, an illusion. If there was any perception of a fairy-talemarriage or life, it was absolutely smoke and mirrors. The ironclad safety that Tommyprovided from my family turned into an ironclad dungeon6.
The control and imbalance of power in our relationship accelerated. My manager wasa childhood friend of his. His preferred security was the tough guy he idolized from hisschool days (even though I towered over him when in heels). Everyone whose job it wasto look after me had deep connections to him. I was very young and inexperienced whenTommy met me; he knew so much more about a lot of things, especially the musicbusiness. But I knew some things he didn’t know too, particularly when it came to trendsand popular culture, which I suspect made him feel threatened. He seemed threatened byanything he couldn’t control.
Even the idea of me doing something he couldn’t control would send him into anirrational tailspin. One prime, ridiculous example: once, there was a copy ofEntertainment Weekly on our kitchen table in Sing Sing. In it was a short piece wherein awriter mused7 about the idea of a modern remake of All About Eve starring Diana Ross asMargo Channing and me as Eve Harrington—genius! Of course, I adored the originalmovie, not only for the glamour8 and the iconic performances but also because MarilynMonroe had a small but delicious part as Miss Casswell, a gorgeous, ambitious actress.
Tommy read the article and got pissed—at me! Somehow he found a way to blame mefor someone else’s fantasy of casting me in a movie (which didn’t even have a love scene,for God’s sake!). As if he were an overbearing father or warden9, his anger would permeatethe house and rattle10 my whole being. I got in trouble (yes, “trouble,” because I felt soinfantilized by him) for the mere11 suggestion, made by someone else, of me doingsomething beyond his control.
The gap between our tastes and instincts in music and pop culture was more divisivethan the gap between our ages. In the late eighties and through the midnineties, UptownRecords, led by the late and legendary12 Andre Harrell, was the label for R & B, hip-hop,and the hybrid13 that would become known as New Jack14 Swing. Uptown had Heavy D &the Boyz, Guy (featuring Teddy Riley), Jodeci, Mary J. Blige, and Father MC. FatherMC’s album was one of my favorites. Mary J. Blige was doing background vocals15 andhooks for him and he would also feature Jodeci-love. I would listen to them all the time.
Tommy would watch me listening. He knew to pay attention to what I was interested inbecause he knew my ear and instincts were sharp. But I knew he couldn’t feel it. Hecouldn’t fully16 grasp its cutting edge. He never really believed in the enduring culturalpower of hip-hop because he couldn’t fully understand it. He thought it was a passing fador trend.
One night, Tommy and I were out with a group of friends and major music executives,in a beautifully lit dining room in an Italian restaurant that served unforgettable warmfocaccia and was frequented by music industry illuminati. We were all seated around a bigtable. My friend Josefin was in from Sweden, and she and her new husband were amongthe guests, so it wasn’t completely a work dinner, but at this point my work, social, andpersonal lives were pretty much one and the same. Even our home had been largelydesigned for conducting business and impressing partners (though my contemporaries’
main concern was where they could chill and smoke a spliff—of all the lavish17 roomsavailable, no surprise, we preferred the studio). We would sometimes host big, festivedinners there, some of which were both fun and fabulous19, but they never felt like family.
Nothing feels like family when you are under surveillance, which I always was.
The midnineties were an exciting era in music, and I was part of a pioneeringgeneration of innovative20 young artists, songwriters, producers, and executives. We wereintent on making a new kind of sound, based in R & B and rap but unrestricted by oldformats and formulas. We were playing with new technologies and irreverently blendingfluid melodies with gritty hip-hop aesthetics21 and energy. The music we were making wasraw and smooth at the same time, and we were the only ones who knew how to make itwork. It was our sound, a reflection of our time and our sensibilities.
My former manager was also with us at the restaurant. The conversation drifted toPuffy aka Sean aka P. Diddy, who had recently left Uptown Records, where he’d startedas an intern23, eventually becoming head of A&R. Now he already had his own record label,Bad Boy, and his star artist, the Notorious B.I.G., was all over the radio and beginning tospread all over a generation. The then head of Epic24 Records turned to me and asked, “Sowhat do you think of this guy, Puffy? What do you think is going on with him? Do youlike his music?”
He directed the question to me because I was the youngest person at the table. I alsoloved and understood hip-hop, and I was the only artist there. Besides, I’d recently workedwith Puff22 as a producer. The table got quiet as I leaned in and gave my honest assessment25:
that Puff and Bad Boy were definitely where modern music was headed.
Not too long before, at our kitchen table, Tommy had shared his own opinion with meand my nephew Shawn: “Puffy will be shining my shoes in two years.” I was stunned26.
Wait. What did he say? It was one of the very few times I stood up to Tommy, telling himthat what he had said was blatantly27 racist28. I was pissed. Shawn had never seen me talkback to him; he was shocked that I showed my anger and became genuinely concerned formy safety. So many people were then.
But that night at the restaurant, what could have been a robust29 discussion betweenindustry leader and artist about global culture and the future of American pop musicbecame an epic Tommy tantrum instead. As I was finishing my answer, I saw his eyesflash with familiar rage. He jumped up from the table and began pacing, huffing andpuffing around the restaurant. He was so livid he couldn’t contain himself. The entire tablesat in silence as we looked at one another, not knowing what the actual fuck was wrongwith him (this time) or what we should do. The whole restaurant witnessed Tommy tryingto walk himself back down off a ledge30 only he could see. Finally, he stormed back. Stillvibrating with rage, he slammed his fist on the table and announced, “I just wanteverybody to know that THANKSGIVING IS CANCELLED!” Um, okay.
We were planning to have a festive18 Thanksgiving dinner party at Sing Sing, butbecause I had dared to give my honest, autonomous31 opinion, in public, to someone headmired (who had asked me what I thought), he was going to shut down the fun. As if itwere my ten-year-old birthday party. Even then, it was laughable, the hubris32 with whichhe declared a national holiday cancelled. Like, who was going to call Frank Perdue? ByGod, who was going to recall all the Butterballs?! I’d been asked a direct question. Whatwas I supposed to do, sit there like a dummy33 and not answer the man? It was all justridiculous.
What wasn’t funny was knowing how I would be punished for my transgression34 on thehourlong ride home. Something came over me that night, and I decided35 I wasn’t going totake the hit for something that wasn’t my fault, again. This night, I would not be lockedup in Tommy’s Range Rover torture chamber36 and sent back to prison in Bedford. Idecided I was not going to leave with him under any circumstances. I realized I was takinga huge, frightening risk, but because we were in a public place, with a table full ofwitnesses, I took a gamble, thinking he wouldn’t make a bigger scene and I might be safe.
He sat at the table stewing37 and staring at me. I perched nervously38 in my chair, my legliterally quivering under the white linen39 tablecloth40, but still full of conviction. Somehow, Istared back. Not this night. There was no fucking way I was taking that car ride with himin that state. It was a tense standoff, and everyone at the table was freaked out. They werescared for me; they were scared for themselves. Everybody was always scared of Tommy!
But I held my position, and finally Tommy walked out alone. Even though he and I bothknew there would still be people following me and reporting back to him, this stand was amonumental move on my part. Out of respect for our privacy, the chef and proprietoragreed to let me discreetly41 exit through the kitchen. Josefin and I went out to a little club(which was an enormous step for me) to shake it off and have a few cocktails42, then wewent to a hotel to get a decent night’s sleep. It was my first sip43 of freedom—and howthirsty I was for more.
’Cause it’s my night
No stress, no fights
I’m leaving it all behind?…
No tears, no time to cry
Just makin’ the most of life
—It’s Like That
The night Tommy “cancelled” Thanksgiving was the first time I stood up for myselfand resisted his orders. He never allowed me to have a voice of my own; exhibiting theslightest bit of agency or independent thought seemed to threaten and emasculate him. Ihad no control over his control. I was the voice of the label, making all kinds of profits andshares for him, and yet I couldn’t have a voice at the dinner table. But I wouldn’t allowmyself to be cancelled.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
mutual
|
|
| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
sanity
|
|
| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
mythology
|
|
| n.神话，神话学，神话集 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
maker
|
|
| n.制造者，制造商 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
mansion
|
|
| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
dungeon
|
|
| n.地牢，土牢 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
mused
|
|
| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
glamour
|
|
| n.魔力，魅力；vt.迷住 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
warden
|
|
| n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
rattle
|
|
| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
mere
|
|
| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
legendary
|
|
| adj.传奇（中）的，闻名遐迩的；n.传奇（文学） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
hybrid
|
|
| n.(动，植）杂种，混合物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
jack
|
|
| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
vocals
|
|
| （乐曲中的）歌唱部份，声乐部份( vocal的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
fully
|
|
| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
lavish
|
|
| adj.无节制的；浪费的；vt.慷慨地给予，挥霍 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
festive
|
|
| adj.欢宴的，节日的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
fabulous
|
|
| adj.极好的；极为巨大的；寓言中的，传说中的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
innovative
|
|
| adj.革新的，新颖的，富有革新精神的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
aesthetics
|
|
| n.(尤指艺术方面之)美学，审美学 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
puff
|
|
| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
intern
|
|
| v.拘禁，软禁；n.实习生 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
epic
|
|
| n.史诗，叙事诗；adj.史诗般的，壮丽的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
assessment
|
|
| n.评价；评估；对财产的估价，被估定的金额 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
stunned
|
|
| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
blatantly
|
|
| ad.公开地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
racist
|
|
| n.种族主义者，种族主义分子 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
robust
|
|
| adj.强壮的，强健的，粗野的，需要体力的，浓的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
ledge
|
|
| n.壁架，架状突出物；岩架，岩礁 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
autonomous
|
|
| adj.自治的；独立的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
hubris
|
|
| n.傲慢，骄傲 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
dummy
|
|
| n.假的东西；(哄婴儿的)橡皮奶头 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
transgression
|
|
| n.违背；犯规；罪过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
decided
|
|
| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
chamber
|
|
| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
stewing
|
|
| 炖 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
nervously
|
|
| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
linen
|
|
| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
tablecloth
|
|
| n.桌布，台布 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
discreetly
|
|
| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
cocktails
|
|
| n.鸡尾酒( cocktail的名词复数 )；餐前开胃菜；混合物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
sip
|
|
| v.小口地喝，抿，呷；n.一小口的量 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |