Standing1 alone
Eager to just
Believe it’s good enough to be what
You really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty2 forever lies
And you’ll always be
Somewhere on the
Outside
—“Outside”
Knowing there were eyes on us, my assistant discreetly3 exchanged information withDerek’s friend. I’d been in such a dark and lonely place for so long in my relationship. Ifinally had some hope, because I had found someone like me who existed in this world. Asa child I used to pray I would meet someone who would understand me for what I was andnot feel superior to me.
Our encounter also had a genuine air of innocence4. It reinforced the many pure ways Iwrote about romance in my songs. It was like the movies I idolized. But though it felt thatway to me, it turns out Derek hadn’t just walked into a room and into my life. Mymanager knew Derek really wanted to meet me; he had begged me once to sign a photofor “this kid who’s crazy about you” so he could get World Series tickets—an incident Itotally forgot about. That night he and I met, he told me “Anytime You Need a Friend”
was his favorite song and that he listened to it before every game.
Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You’ll never be alone again
So don’t you fear
Even if you’re miles away
I’m by your side
So don’t you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright
If you just believe in me
I will love you endlessly
Take my hand
Take me into your heart
I’ll be there forever baby
I won’t let go
I’ll never let go
Among all of my songs that one was especially significant, because I was desperatelyalone, removed from friends and full of fear. My belief in God kept me alive—I wrote thatsong thinking about what I thought God would say to us in times of fear.
When the shadows are closing in
And your spirit diminishing
Just remember
You’re not alone
And love will be there
To guide you home
—“Anytime You Need a Friend”
It was uplifting, rooted in spirituality and a message of faith, and that, too, made mefeel safer and connected to Derek. It also let me know he was actually a fan—and the fanswere the only people I really trusted.
We started a clandestine6 communication, texting each other cute, short messageswhenever we could and planning times to talk. Needless to say, I was terrified to talk tohim if Tommy was anywhere near. But I would steal moments. If we were at the studio orat dinner, I would pretend to need to use the bathroom. I enrolled7 my assistant. We’d stagean errand and leave in her car, and I would talk to him. Sometimes we would go to herhouse, and I’d sit in her modest little living room and talk to him in a whisper—I was thatafraid of Tommy. Every call was brief. I was riddled8 with fear, but it was thrilling. Whilethe energy was definitely exciting and romantic, our actual conversations were on the lightand banal9 side. I didn’t care; it was something. Planning and communicating with Derekfelt like someone had smuggled10 a file into my jail cell. Each time we connected, it was asif I had worn down a bit more of the bars that held me captive.
Every little move we made built toward a bigger idea: freedom. I had becomecompletely accustomed to nonstop work, looking over my shoulder, and warding11 offdespair; it was life affirming, as a young woman, to feel giddy and girlie. Through all thedarkness, I discovered I still had some whimsy12 reserved for me and my own heart. I evenbegan watching baseball in the studio when he was playing. To add to the perfect fantasyof it all, Derek played the same position the great Joe DiMaggio (Marilyn Monroe’s iconicsecond husband) played on the Yankees, connecting him to my Marilyn fascination13. Iliterally met the person I had imagined. I was living in my own love song.
The weeks of covert14 communication built up to arranging an encounter. I was stillpainfully aware that I was married, and I didn’t plan to break any of my vows15. The planwas, I would meet him at a low-key pizza spot near his apartment, and we’d sneak16 out andgo to his place. I was freaked out about taking the risk, but I had to see him; I had to knowI was alive. I recall the care with which I chose my ensemble17. I wanted something sexy ofcourse, but certainly classy, youthful yet chic18. I put together a warm chocolate moment: asoft and creamy chestnut-colored quilted Chanel leather miniskirt paired with a russetfine-knit bandeau top and layered with a matching cardigan. There were brown ribbedWolford tights underneath19, leading into a sleek20 round-toed mocha Prada boot. I lovedthose boots. I was serving textures21 in cocoa flavors. It was November, so I was giving an“autumn in New York” moment. To top it off, I wore a brown baseball cap over thevolume of my curls, the brim pulled down low to hide my face.
I was scared (ooh, was I scared). The stakes were incredibly high. I’d never triedanything this dangerous before, and I had seen firsthand how Tommy could destroypeople. He certainly tried to destroy me. As I remember it, the procedure for the covertoperation was: My assistant and I would tell my driver (aka Tommy’s spy, on my payroll)we wanted to grab dinner at the pizza parlor22. We’d walk in together, and when Derekcame in, we’d give my driver the slip. Derek lived nearby, somewhere we could be privateand just chill. My assistant would act as a decoy, and Derek and I would duck outtogether.
I was nervous on several levels. In addition to being terrified of Tommy’s wrath23, I wasalso feeling na?ve. Even though I’d been all over the world, I had nearly nonexistentexperience in dating. The thought of the simple pleasure of just being close to Derek wasliberating.
My assistant and I sat on stools at the counter, staring at the large storefront window,adrenaline pulsing through us both. In walked Derek—in a basic sweat suit and baseballcap, of course. My heart was pounding. We were finally in the same room together, butthe most treacherous24 move was ahead: we had to escape the pizza parlor without the spyseeing us. I believe my assistant went out to the car pretending to retrieve25 something.
When she went up to the driver’s window, Derek and I pulled down our hat brims andducked out the door and around the corner into a small backstreet. Tucked under his arm, Iwas consumed with relief and excitement. We slipped through a couple more windingbackstreets to his apartment building.
I was anxious beyond belief, and a shyness I desperately5 tried to hide washed over meas soon as the door to his place closed behind us. Had I ever been alone with a single manin his apartment—or anyplace—before? I wasn’t sure. This was all new. Would the spydiscover me missing and foil our covert op? The butterflies in my stomach were in acomplete frenzy26.
I took off my cap, shook out my curls, took a breath, and tried to calm and orientmyself by focusing on my surroundings. I don’t recall many details. It wasn’t aparticularly impressive place, just practical and neat. I stood in the living room a bitawkwardly, very smitten27 and still scared. Derek said there was a roof deck on the buildingand asked if I wanted to go up there. I agreed.
He disappeared from the living room and returned with a frosty bottle of Mo?t. “I’vebeen saving this, because I thought one day you might come over here.” I smiled and said,“Yeah, we’re gonna need that.” (And so it really was a bottle of “Moe-ay” that got mefeeling liberated28.) We went up to his roof, laughed, talked softly, took sips29 of coldchampagne straight to the head, and reveled in our bodies embracing.
The fall moon was bright, and a warm, heavy mist covered the night. For this briefmoment, I was in rapture31, alone on top of the city with a man who seemed to have steppedout of my dreams. We whispered a few things, giggled32 some more, and then drifted intothe romance of the moment. We leaned in, an inch at a time, and melted into a warm,slow, intoxicating33 kiss. I felt an invisible veil of sadness begin to slip off of me and meltinto a puddle34 at our feet.
And in that instant, the sky gave way, and it began to pour. We held on to our kiss; ourarms didn’t relax their embrace, and our bodies remained fixed35. The rain came sosuddenly, but we had already disappeared into the dreamy encounter we had anticipated,planned, and risked so much for. I was so caught up, not once did I think about my leatherChanel skirt or Prada boots in the elements. And thank goodness my hair was naturallycurly, because had it been straightened, I might’ve broken and run to save the blowout!
What broke the trance was not the rain but fear again. How long had we been gone?
Did Tommy already know? I had to go! I two-wayed my assistant that we were on the wayback. Derek dashed me back through the wet streets and left me right before the pizzaparlor, where my assistant was waiting with wild eyes. She ran out when she saw me, andwe jumped into the limo. We plopped into the backseat breathless, covering our mouths tomuffle the laughter. Surely the driver noticed I was soaking wet, but I didn’t care! I didn’tcare that he was without a doubt going to report my disobedience. I had stolen away toclaim a moment that was all mine and that was real. I left just a little bit of sadness on thatrooftop, and I was not turning back to reclaim36 it.
Once the driver dropped my assistant off, I was alone in the long leather backseat ofthe limo for the tedious ride back up to Sing Sing. My mind was racing30 and my heart waspounding. Did that really happen? Did I really do that? Tommy is going to go insane! Iturned on the radio to help calm me down. Out came blasting a grimy, dangerous, sexy-assbeat, then the hook:
Scared to death, scared to look, they shook
’Cause ain’t no such things as halfway37 crooksI was certainly shook when we pulled up to the tall, imposing38 black wrought-iron gatesthat led to my mansion39. It appeared menacing in the dark rain—and in light of what I hadjust done. Tommy was supposed to be out of town, but once I got on those grounds I neverknew what to expect.
I slowly entered my gorgeous penitentiary40; all was quiet, and not quite as scary. Amercy. He wasn’t there, so at least I didn’t have to concoct41 a story about why I wasdripping wet. Exhausted42, I sat on the grand staircase, removed my boots, and tiptoed up tomy bathroom. I didn’t bother to turn on the lights. I wanted to stay in the quiet of theexpanse of the cool, soft-pink marble that surrounded me. I wanted to luxuriate in thepoetry of the dull reflections of the opulent crystal chandelier bouncing against the dark. Ipulled off my drenched43 knit top, which had become like liquid skin, and stepped out of mydamp leather skirt. I sat on the edge of the massive tub to peel off my resistant44, thin wooltights. I took a quick warm shower, letting the water wash off some of my anxiety.
Wrapped up in a plush white terry robe, I walked up to the mirror and looked at myself. Istared into my own eyes. They were a little brighter. I caught a glimpse of the Mariah Iremembered from before all the terror peeking45 through. I saw a bit of exuberance46, a bit ofhope, a bit of courage. I saw the glow of the promise of freedom.
After such a dangerous, sexy, and grimy night the big all-white bedroom with the bigall-white bed was more foreign than ever. I pulled the fluffy47 white goose-down comforterup to my neck and closed my eyes. Immediately I wanted to go back to the roof and relivethe splendor48 I had just escaped. Involuntarily, my head started a gentle bob on the pillowand a beat began to faintly roll in. The song I had heard in the car, “Shook Ones, Part II,”
by Mobb Deep, started to play loudly in my head, and I began to whisper:
Every time I feel the need
I envision you caressing49 me
And go back in time
To relive the splendor of you and I
On the rooftop that rainy night
I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I called Poke50 and Tone from Trackmasters. We got the sample and gotbusy. “The Roof (Back in Time)” was my first complete docu-song.
It wasn’t raining yet
But it was definitely a little misty51
On that warm November night
And my heart was pounding
My inner voice resounding52
Begging me to turn away
But I just had to see your face to feel aliveAnd then you casually53 walked in the room
And I was twisted in the web of my desire for youMy apprehension54 blew away
I only wanted you to taste my sadness
As you kissed me in the dark. Every time?…
And so we finished the Mo?t and
I started feeling liberated
And I surrendered as you took me in your armsI was so caught up in the moment
I couldn’t bear to let you go yet
So I threw caution to the wind
And started listening to my longing55 heart
And then you softly pressed your lips to mineAnd feelings surfaced I’d suppressed
For such a long long time
And for a while I forgot the sorrow and the painAnd melted with you as we stood there in the rain—“The Roof”
It’s exactly what happened.
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收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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2
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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3
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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4
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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5
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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6
clandestine
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| adj.秘密的，暗中从事的 | |
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7
enrolled
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| adj.入学登记了的v.[亦作enrol]( enroll的过去式和过去分词 )；登记，招收，使入伍（或入会、入学等），参加，成为成员；记入名册；卷起，包起 | |
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8
riddled
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| adj.布满的；充斥的；泛滥的v.解谜，出谜题(riddle的过去分词形式) | |
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9
banal
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| adj.陈腐的，平庸的 | |
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10
smuggled
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| 水货 | |
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11
warding
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| 监护，守护（ward的现在分词形式） | |
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12
whimsy
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| n.古怪，异想天开 | |
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13
fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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14
covert
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| adj.隐藏的；暗地里的 | |
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15
vows
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| 誓言( vow的名词复数 )； 郑重宣布，许愿 | |
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16
sneak
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| vt.潜行(隐藏,填石缝)；偷偷摸摸做；n.潜行；adj.暗中进行 | |
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17
ensemble
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| n.合奏(唱)组；全套服装；整体，总效果 | |
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18
chic
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| n./adj.别致(的)，时髦(的)，讲究的 | |
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19
underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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20
sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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21
textures
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| n.手感( texture的名词复数 )；质感；口感；（音乐或文学的）谐和统一感 | |
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22
parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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23
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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24
treacherous
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| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
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25
retrieve
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| vt.重新得到，收回；挽回，补救；检索 | |
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26
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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27
smitten
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| 猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去分词 ) | |
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28
liberated
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| a.无拘束的，放纵的 | |
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29
sips
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| n.小口喝，一小口的量( sip的名词复数 )v.小口喝，呷，抿( sip的第三人称单数 ) | |
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30
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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31
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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32
giggled
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| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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33
intoxicating
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| a. 醉人的,使人兴奋的 | |
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34
puddle
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| n.(雨)水坑，泥潭 | |
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35
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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36
reclaim
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| v.要求归还，收回；开垦 | |
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37
halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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38
imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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39
mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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40
penitentiary
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| n.感化院；监狱 | |
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41
concoct
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| v.调合，制造 | |
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42
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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43
drenched
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| adj.湿透的；充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体） | |
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44
resistant
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| adj.(to)抵抗的，有抵抗力的 | |
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45
peeking
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| v.很快地看( peek的现在分词 )；偷看；窥视；微露出 | |
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46
exuberance
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| n.丰富；繁荣 | |
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47
fluffy
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| adj.有绒毛的，空洞的 | |
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48
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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49
caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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50
poke
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| n.刺，戳，袋；vt.拨开，刺，戳；vi.戳，刺，捅，搜索，伸出，行动散慢 | |
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51
misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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52
resounding
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| adj. 响亮的 | |
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53
casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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54
apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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55
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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