Boy meets girl and looks in her eyes
Time stands still and two hearts catch fire
Off they go, roller coaster ride
—“Love Story”
Much of the iconic television of the 1990s missed me. I never got to watch Seinfeld (nowI’m such a stan of Comedians3 in Cars Getting Coffee) and I had no time for—and wasisolated from—actual friends, let alone sitcom4 ones. All my time was spent hustling,working, praying, and making “Mariah Carey.” I barely watched children’s shows when Iwas a child, so I certainly didn’t know of any Nickelodeon shows or their stars. I had noclue All That was all that, and I had no idea who Nick Cannon5 was until 2002, when I sawthe film Drumline (which I loved). I thought he was very good in it (I also thought he wascute—very). That was all.
A couple of years later, Brat6 was telling me, “He loves you. He always talks aboutyou,” referring to Nick. She was a fan of Wild ’N Out, his hip-hop–infused improv sketch-comedy show on MTV, which I also had no knowledge of. Wild ’N Out came out the sameyear as The Emancipation7 of Mimi, which consumed me in a good way—finally. It was anincredible moment of long-awaited, phenomenal success. I was hearing one of several ofmy songs from that album on the radio thirty times a day! It was a massive moment formy fans too. It was what they needed. They need to see me come back like that. I reallybelieve, for better or worse, the Lambily, the fans and I, go through things together.
“We Belong Together” was a colossal8 song. It was breaking chart and airplay recordsall over the United States and internationally. It became my sixteenth number-one recordon the Billboard9 Hot 100 (also making me the first woman artist to concurrently10 hold thenumber-one and number-two spots, with “Shake It Off”). It ended up staying in a top-tenposition for twenty-three weeks and charted for forty-three weeks total. It tied for thethird-longest-running number-one song in US chart history (behind “One Sweet Day,”
Billboard ’s most popular song of the nineties). Billboard named “We Belong Together”
song of the decade (song of the what?) for the 2000s, and the ninth most popular song ofall time.
It won two Grammys, two Soul Train Awards, and Song of the Year at the ASCAPAwards and BMI Awards (among others). It even won a Teen Choice Award—the ChoiceLove Song award. I didn’t know Nick was set to present the award to me (apparently heinsisted to the Teen Choice producers). The show was loud, bright, and zany—the awardis a surfboard. I recall first seeing Nick and taking in his curious oversized nautical-inspired ensemble11, consisting of giant white shorts, a big ocean-blue polo shirt, a lemon-yellow sweater tied around his neck, ankle socks, and sneakers. After he presented mewith my board-award, I said, “I heard about all the nice things you’ve been saying aboutme.” With a genuine beaming smile and a flame in his eyes, he replied, “If you give me achance, I’ll prove all of it is true.”
A cute moment—very.
More time passed, and Brat wouldn’t let up, insistent12 that Nick and I really connect.
We began talking on the phone, almost daily. Then, finally, we did get together, and it wasirresistibly fun. And at the time, I was all about having fun. I wasn’t ready to be grown-upagain. I had had to be so grown so fast, professionally and especially in my first marriage.
(Marrying was something I vowed13 never to do again.)I missed out on so much as a teen, and Nick, who had a perpetual teen spirit, wascharmingly refreshing15. He also felt safe to me. Look, I was hanging out with Dipset in thisera, and while it was a blast, the element of legitimate16 danger was ever present, okay?
Besides, no matter how famous or fine, no matter how well they could rhyme, I held astrict “no rappers” rule. I was very serious about protecting myself from being labeled“that girl.” It was critical to me to maintain, most importantly, my self-respect, but alsomy professional respect from the tight boys’ club of artists, producers, and management Icollaborated with. I worked with some of the greatest (and some unknown at the time)hip-hop artists of all time. I didn’t ever want things to get reality-show messy up in thestudio. And the “rap packs” will talk amongst themselves (c’mon; they talk for a living!).
It was bad enough there were already a plethora18 of ridiculous rumors19 about mesleeping with rappers anyway. If you’re not careful, all your business could be all up insomebody’s bars (“cause they all up in my business like a Wendy interview”). AfterWendy Williams went on a tangent about me on the radio, the New York Post picked upthe story and I woke up to the headline “Sexcapades,” with my photo underneath20. Theycalled me, JD, Q-Tip, and some of my creative collaborators the “Hard Partying RapPosse”—I can’t. I was not going to give the mill actual fodder21. What mattered was that Iknew what the truth was, and I was committed to holding to it.
But I regarded Nick as a producer, comedian2, and actor—I had no idea he had realrapper aspirations22. He laughed a lot, and he made me laugh. We made each other laugh alot. We talked about life and music. I just wanted to be around him. Once, I even left adate with a very handsome and legendary23 basketball player to ride in the car with Nick sohe could be the first to listen to my newest album, E=MC 2 . I was excited about it, and Iwanted to listen to it with him.
During this time I was finally pulling my whole self together. I’d already gone througha spiritual cleansing24, getting baptized and continuing my therapy. Now I was focusing onmy physical self as well. I was working intensely with an amazing trainer, Patricia. Thefirst single for the new album was “Touch My Body,” so I had to get “fit in the body” inpreparation.
I was feeling stronger, and I hadn’t felt good about myself in a while. We were goingto cast my new friend Nick in the “Touch My Body” video, since he was a comedian andwe were taking a humorous twist with it. (I mean, c’mon, what other direction could I gowith a lyric25 like, “’Cause if you run your mouth / And brag26 about this secret rendezvous27 / Iwill hunt you down”? Otherwise, it would’ve been a stalker movie.) But the role in thevideo was for a computer geek, and while Nick was really funny, he wasn’t a convincinggeek. Jack28 McBrayer, however, was a genius pick, and we had the absolute best timemaking the video.
Thanks to my fans, who really got behind the song, knowing how significant it wouldbe, “Touch My Body” became my eighteenth number-one single. I’m forever grateful tothe family of Lambs. I’m also grateful for everybody at the record label who was sodevoted to the album and to me. It was my biggest so far; it seemed to do the impossibleby pushing me past the record long held by Elvis Presley for the all-time most number-onesingles. We did end up casting Nick as the love interest in the next video, “Bye Bye,”
which we shot in Antigua. Our chemistry was natural, strong, and familiar. The comfortand the intimacy29 captured on film were real. And after that shoot, we didn’t say bye-bye toeach other for a long time.
I was enjoying having a fresh, new romantic moment with Nick. We even joked abouthow we were going to pace ourselves and not rush anything. Once, he sent me a gigantic,gorgeous bouquet30 of flowers while I was in London, signing the card, “from a PaceUniversity dropout,” because things were going fast, fast. We’d quickly established a solidfriendship, then even more quickly hopped31 on our own underground love roller coaster.
We could share our layers with each other. We connected on some very core things. Hewas a good guy. He was faith based. He was ambitious. He had been in the entertainmentindustry for a long time, so he understood the madness. He paid attention to me. Thepower dynamics32 between us felt even.
I was clear with Nick that I was not at all interested in becoming physically33 vulnerableagain. I was not going there unless there was complete commitment, which at the timemeant marriage. (So, obviously I would have had to break the vow14 I made to myself aboutnever marrying again.) Nick respected my position.
I sincerely thought I would never have kids. Our relationship changed that. We talked veryseriously about having children, and that changed everything. Having children togetherbecame our reason. Our desire to have children became a force of nature and why we gotmarried so quickly.
Way back then it was the simple things
Anklets, nameplates that you gave to me
Sweet Tarts34, Ring Pops
Had that candy bling
And you were my world
—“Candy Bling”
The whole world is pink yet lavender when you’re in a good swirl35, and we were in asweet swirl (a swirl is the opposite of a spiral). Nick’s proposal to me was wrapped inchildlike romance. He was always eating candy, which the “eternally twelve” in me foundtotally acceptable for a grown man. On the evening the Empire State Building wasscheduled to be lit up in my signature “pink yet lavender” colors, in celebration of a nativeNew Yorker making history with “Touch My Body” setting a new record, Nick and I werechilling in the Moroccan room, talking, laughing, and listening to music. With thatenormous, luminous36 smile of his, Nick gave me one of those big candy Ring Pops; it wasamong other confections inside a little metal Hello Kitty lunch box. I thought, Okay, thisis cutely festive—I’ll eat some celebratory candy with him. Disguised as a candy pop ringwas a large, clear emerald-cut diamond, flanked by two moon-cut diamonds, surroundedby smaller pink diamonds—a very real ring! It was dazzling and matched the situation. Iwore a lavender dress with a pink cardigan, and we took a helicopter ride over the city andmarveled at the lights and reveled in our moment. That night, Nick and I sparkled andshined brighter than the Empire State Building itself.
Our wedding was just about the absolute opposite of my first. It was a total spiritualcelebration, not mostly an industry production. It was intimate—maybe a dozen people inall. I had my pastor38, Bishop39 Clarence Keaton, come in from Brooklyn to officiate. We heldit at my beautiful house in Eleuthera, Bahamas. The white silk matte jersey40 gown I worewas custom-made for me by Nile Cmylo, an independent women’s designer I’d workedwith for years, not by a high-profile fashion house. It had a simple, form-fitting silhouette,and my shoulder-length veil required no handlers, only a few bobby pins. My ex-sister’sfirst son, Shawn—whom I lovingly refer to as my nephew-slash-brother-slash-uncle-slash-cousin-slash-grandfather, because he really has been the blood family member who hasbeen with me and for me in so many capacities, and I cherish him—walked me down thesandy, salmon-colored aisle41. And after the ceremony, I kicked off my Manolos and twirledbarefoot in the fine pink grains, allowing the hem17 of my cloud-colored gown to swish andsway in the aqua-blue waters. We basked42 in the glow of the Bahamian sunset and genuinelove. It was ours to have and to hold. We didn’t overstage anything. We didn’t even reallycare about photos (though, ironically, they ended up as a cover story for People). Thistime, I was sipping43 fine champagne44 with fine friends—no more lonely, salty tears in sad,sugary daiquiris.
It was near Christmastime, and I was ten weeks pregnant. It was our Christmas miracle!
Nick and I were beyond excited. We kept our little secret just between us, but of course Iplanned to make the revelation an event over our Christmas vacation. I was evendesigning tree ornaments45 as the announcements for friends and family. But on a routinecheckup at our obstetrician’s office, the sonogram was silent. The sacred, rhythmic46 swooshof our baby’s heartbeat was gone—and in that silence I could hear my own heart crack. Isurvived my miscarriage47, but I will never forget it.
After the devastation48 I made it my mission to prepare my body to healthily hold andsustain new life. I totally detached from the industry machine and went underground toheal and build. It was the first time in my entire career when I turned down work toconcentrate on my well- being (I passed on some big acting49 opportunities, and afterPrecious, that’s really where I wanted to go). I employed mostly non-Western medicinalpractices, like Chinese herbs and acupuncture50. I had meditation51 moments (and it’s hard),whatever it took. Nothing mattered except putting myself in the best possible position tobecome and stay pregnant.
All my efforts paid off double—the next time, we were blessed with the miraclepregnancy of the twins! Growing two humans was rough on my body. I gained over ahundred pounds and got very ill. I developed poisonous edema — I was dangerouslyswollen full of toxic53 fluid. I also developed gestational diabetes54. But the most damaging ofall my afflictions was the loneliness. All my fun party friends were nowhere around,because I couldn’t twirl around the city, I couldn’t partake in splashes of wine and late-night gallivanting. On the contrary, I was in constant discomfort55. Again, I didn’t have ateam that knew how to surround me with the proper care. I was often by myself. Butfortunately, this time I did have a mother-in-law who was there for me more than anythingelse. Nick’s mom, Beth, would come and rub my back (the backaches were debilitating)and feet, which were under excruciating strain from all the weight. She helped me slatheron my very special cream that I developed with my dermatologist56 on my giant, tight drumof a stomach (over a hundred pounds gained, and no stretch marks ’pon de tummy!). Shewould just sit with me and her grandbabies growing inside my big belly57. A kindness.
Nick, on the other hand, didn’t quite comprehend the enormity of what I was goingthrough. Once, we were at an appointment with our specialist for high-risk pregnancies58.
While I was hooked up to a machine, with the weight of two human beings and a smalllake of fluid filling my entire body, the memory of comfort of any kind far in the distance,my kind, older doctor, in his thick Middle Eastern accent, looked over at my sulkingsecond husband and said, “Poor Nick; he’s so exhausted59.”
The recording60 of Merry Christmas II You is what held me together during mytreacherous pregnancy52. I loved creating the first Christmas album so much; I thoughtdoing another would keep me from slipping into sadness. I totally immersed myself in thewriting and recording. I wanted this album to be more diverse and the production lusher. Iwas collaborating61 with a broader range of producers, like James Poyser from the Roots(we made “When Christmas Comes” as a classic R & B song, and it’s one of my all-timefavorites) and Broadway musical producer Marc Shaiman (the 1950s- esque standard“Christmas Time Is in the Air Again”), in addition to my own go-to favorite partners likeRandy Jackson, Big Jim Wright, and JD. The doctors wanted me to be on bed rest, buthow, tell me, how do I rest? As I was being pulled down from the loneliness and the fluidI was retaining, working on this album was lifting me.
I recorded most of it in our house in Bel Air, which once belonged to the late,legendary Farrah Fawcett. In my many imaginative roles as a child, one of my all-timefavorites was private investigator62 Jill Munroe of Charlie’s Angels. No surprise, I wasfascinated by her hair: the perfection of the color and cut, just laid. (I’ve paid it severalhomages in my career.) I recall my mother telling me her hair was “frosted,” which mysix- or seven-year-old mind heard as “frosting.” And I just knew someday I would slathermy hair with a chocolate-and-vanilla swirl and come out looking just like Jill.
One of the highlights of the album was arranging the “O Come All Ye Faithful /Hallelujah Chorus” duet with Patricia Carey, where I was able to blend opera and gospel.
We performed it on my ABC Christmas special, with a full orchestra and choir64 (and withme very pregnant—three generations onstage together!). During this time I also recorded“When Do the Bells Ring for Me” with the incomparable Tony Bennett for his Duets IIalbum; the timeless icon1 himself came to my home studio to record. I squeezed my bigpregnant self into my little pink vocal65 booth, and we set up microphones outside in thestudio for Mr. Bennett, so that our voices would be separate and smooth, but we could bein the same room, which was very important to Mr. Bennett. I recall looking out my littlewindow at a living legend singing with me in my house—a moment. “I never sang with atrio before” was his witty66 remark (as there were technically67 four hearts beating in thesession), a memory that will always remain with me.
I promoted and performed Merry Christmas II You while enormously and dangerouslypregnant. One invitation I simply could not turn down was performing a song I wrotecalled “One Child” for the twenty-ninth annual Christmas in Washington special. It wasfilmed in the majestic68 National Building Museum, and I was singing with a full choir ofbeautiful and hope-filled young people backing me up. President Obama, the First Lady,Sasha, and Malia were in the front row, directly in my line of sight, beaming with dignity.
It was such an honor to perform for the Obamas, and by extension the country, again. Forthe finale all the performers were gathered on stage and the First Family joined us. EarlierNick had suggested I tell FLOTUS our then secret. She and President Obama were goingdown the line, thanking all of us, and when she came to me, I seized the moment andwhispered in her ear that I was having twins. After I sang “One Child,” Michelle Obama,our forever historic First Lady, became the first to know we were having two children.
What a blessing69.
Monroe and Moroccan got their names because I wanted them to have the initials MC,like me. My precious daughter was obviously named after my childhood hero (thesonogram revealed her posed like a Hollywood starlet, reclining on a chaise in thewomb!). We arrived at Moroccan because both Nick and I loved the name Rakim (becausehe is one of the greatest rappers to ever do it). “Moroccan” was a bit of a hybrid70 name: itrhymed with Rakim, it’s a gorgeous, mystical country where I had a special experience,and it’s the name of the room where so many creative and magical moments happened,including Nick presenting me with my candy bling.
It was wonderful and fun when “dem babies” were little. Together, Nick and I lavishedthem with as much joy, attention, and safety as we could. But along with double the joycame double the responsibility. It was a lot of work, and a lot of having to be home and beavailable. Making the necessary adult adjustments to being working parents inentertainment took its toll71 on our relationship, and the end of our marriage came fast, as itbegan. Even though we had prenuptials in place, the divorce took two years to becomefinal and cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees.
I call your name baby subconsciously72
Always somewhere, but you’re not there for me—“Faded”
Honestly, I think Nick and I could have worked it out between the two of us, but egosand emotions got inflamed73 (which can translate into many billable lawyer hours, andultimately it did). It was tough. We both wanted to make sure everything was cool for ourfamily. We will always be family, and we make it work. We still have fun, reminisce, andjoke. And we both are certain that Roc and Roe63 are indeed our light. Every day they giveus new life.
I’ve often wondered if there’s ever been a perfect family—“Petals”
I don’t wonder anymore. Now, I know for certain that there’s never been and probablynever will be a “perfect” family. But I have finally found stability in the family I created.
There are times I cannot believe I was a little girl who lived in shacks74, who always feltunsafe, under–cared for, lonely, and perpetually scared. I have wanted to go back in timeto protect and rescue that little girl from the precarious75 world she was trapped in. Andnow, I marvel37 at my own wonderful children, Monroe and Moroccan, and the safe andabundant environment that has been created for them. Rather than being uprooted76 thirteentimes, they live in multiple gorgeous, pristine77, and palatial78 homes. Instead of exposed nailsin the stairs and filthy79 carpeting, they run freely down long, shiny marble hallways, slidein their socks, and squeal80 with delight. In lieu of a three-legged rocking couch, they watchfilms on a cinema-style screen from a steady, luxurious81 custom-made one of goose-downcushions that’s bigger than my first apartment.
My children are surrounded by my uninterrupted love. I have never been away fromthem for more than twenty-four hours, and when I am working, they are watched over bya loving family of friends and professionals. They have never, ever, ever been left alone.
They have never wondered where I am or if their father knows what their lives are reallylike. They have multitudes of memories and images of being with two loving parentstogether. Their lives have never been threatened. Cops have never stormed our house.
They probably have three hundred shirts to rotate and donate, and their sweet, soft curlsare deeply understood. They do not live in fear. They have never needed to escape. Theydon’t try to destroy each other. My children are happy, and they play with each other,learn with each other, joke, laugh, and live with each other. And no matter what, they willalways have each other. They are Roc and Roe for life.
Of all the many gifts God has blessed me with—my songs, my voice, my creativity,my strength—my children are a vision more beautiful than I could have ever conceived. Itis by divine design that the children of a wayward child (who as a child professed82 shewould never have children) are so extraordinarily83 fortunate. And though I’ve worked sohard for so long, it is still miraculous84 to me that in one lifetime such a leap has been madefor my mixed-up lineage. We have broken a cycle of brokenness.
Guided by grace, I am emancipating85 myself from the bondage86 of all the dysfunction ofmy past—rerouting my legacy87 and rooting it in pure love. And the blessings88 keep flowing.
Twenty-five years after writing a love song for Christmas that came out of a deep desirefor joy and peace in my own family, I have all I ever wanted—topped with big, happy,festive family holiday celebrations.
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| n.偶像，崇拜的对象，画像 | |
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comedian
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| n.喜剧演员；滑稽演员 | |
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comedians
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| n.喜剧演员，丑角( comedian的名词复数 ) | |
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sitcom
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| n.情景喜剧，（广播、电视的）系列幽默剧 | |
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cannon
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| n.大炮，火炮；飞机上的机关炮 | |
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brat
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| n.孩子；顽童 | |
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emancipation
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colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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billboard
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| n.布告板，揭示栏，广告牌 | |
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concurrently
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ensemble
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insistent
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| adj.迫切的，坚持的 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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refreshing
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legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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hem
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plethora
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rumors
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| n.传闻( rumor的名词复数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷v.传闻( rumor的第三人称单数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷 | |
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underneath
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fodder
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aspirations
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legendary
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cleansing
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lyric
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rendezvous
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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intimacy
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bouquet
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hopped
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dynamics
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physically
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swirl
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luminous
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marvel
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pastor
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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jersey
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| n.运动衫 | |
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aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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basked
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| v.晒太阳，取暖( bask的过去式和过去分词 )；对…感到乐趣；因他人的功绩而出名；仰仗…的余泽 | |
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sipping
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| v.小口喝，呷，抿( sip的现在分词 ) | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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ornaments
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| n.装饰( ornament的名词复数 )；点缀；装饰品；首饰v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的第三人称单数 ) | |
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rhythmic
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| adj.有节奏的，有韵律的 | |
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miscarriage
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| n.失败，未达到预期的结果；流产 | |
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devastation
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| n.毁坏；荒废；极度震惊或悲伤 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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acupuncture
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| n.针灸，针刺法，针疗法 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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pregnancy
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| n.怀孕，怀孕期 | |
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toxic
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| adj.有毒的，因中毒引起的 | |
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diabetes
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| n.糖尿病 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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dermatologist
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| n.皮肤科医师 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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pregnancies
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| 怀孕，妊娠( pregnancy的名词复数 ) | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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collaborating
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| 合作( collaborate的现在分词 )； 勾结叛国 | |
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investigator
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| n.研究者，调查者，审查者 | |
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roe
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| n.鱼卵；獐鹿 | |
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choir
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| n.唱诗班，唱诗班的席位，合唱团，舞蹈团；v.合唱 | |
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vocal
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| adj.直言不讳的；嗓音的；n.[pl.]声乐节目 | |
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witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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technically
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| adv.专门地，技术上地 | |
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majestic
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| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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hybrid
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| n.(动，植）杂种，混合物 | |
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toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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subconsciously
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| ad.下意识地，潜意识地 | |
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inflamed
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| adj.发炎的，红肿的v.（使）变红，发怒，过热( inflame的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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shacks
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| n.窝棚，简陋的小屋( shack的名词复数 ) | |
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precarious
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| adj.不安定的，靠不住的；根据不足的 | |
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uprooted
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| v.把（某物）连根拔起( uproot的过去式和过去分词 )；根除；赶走；把…赶出家园 | |
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pristine
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| adj.原来的，古时的，原始的，纯净的，无垢的 | |
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palatial
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| adj.宫殿般的，宏伟的 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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squeal
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| v.发出长而尖的声音；n.长而尖的声音 | |
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luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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professed
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| 公开声称的，伪称的，已立誓信教的 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的 | |
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emancipating
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| v.解放某人（尤指摆脱政治、法律或社会的束缚）( emancipate的现在分词 ) | |
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bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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legacy
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| n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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