ON the 16th of April, nearly six months after the day just described, Papa entered our schoolroom and told us that that night we must start with him for our country house. I felt a pang1 at my heart when I heard the news, and my thoughts at once turned to Mamma, The cause of our unexpected departure was the following letter:
"PETROVSKOE, 12th April.
"Only this moment (i.e. at ten o'clock in the evening) have I received your dear letter of the 3rd of April, but as usual, I answer it at once. Fedor brought it yesterday from town, but, as it was late, he did not give it to Mimi till this morning, and Mimi (since I was unwell) kept it from me all day. I have been a little feverish2. In fact, to tell the truth, this is the fourth day that I have been in bed.
"Yet do not be uneasy. I feel almost myself again now, and if Ivan Vassilitch should allow me, I think of getting up to-morrow.
"On Friday last I took the girls for a drive, and, close to the little bridge by the turning on to the high road (the place which always makes me nervous), the horses and carriage stuck fast in the mud. Well, the day being fine, I thought that we would walk a little up the road until the carriage should be extricated3, but no sooner had we reached the chapel4 than I felt obliged to sit down, I was so tired, and in this way half-an-hour passed while help was being sent for to get the carriage dug out. I felt cold, for I had only thin boots on, and they had been wet through. After luncheon5 too, I had alternate cold and hot fits, yet still continued to follow our ordinary routine
"When tea was over I sat down to the piano to play a duct with Lubotshka. (you would be astonished to hear what progress she has made!), but imagine my surprise when I found that I could not count the beats! Several times I began to do so, yet always felt confused in my head, and kept hearing strange noises in my ears. I would begin 'One-two-three--' and then suddenly go on '-eight- fifteen,' and so on, as though I were talking nonsense and could not help it. At last Mimi came to my assistance and forced me to retire to bed. That was how my illness began, and it was all through my own fault. The next day I had a good deal of fever, and our good Ivan Vassilitch came. He has not left us since, but promises soon to restore me to the world."
"What a wonderful old man he is! While I was feverish and delirious6 he sat the whole night by my bedside without once closing his eyes; and at this moment (since he knows I am busy writing) he is with the girls in the divannaia, and I can hear him telling them German stories, and them laughing as they listen to him.
"'La Belle7 Flamande,' as you call her, is now spending her second week here as my guest (her mother having gone to pay a visit somewhere), and she is most attentive8 and attached to me, She even tells me her secret affairs. Under different circumstances her beautiful face, good temper, and youth might have made a most excellent girl of her, but in the society in which according to her own account, she moves she will be wasted. The idea has more than once occurred to me that, had I not had so many children of my own, it would have been a deed of mercy to have adopted her.
"Lubotshka had meant to write to you herself, but she has torn up three sheets of paper, saying: 'I know what a quizzer Papa always is. If he were to find a single fault in my letter he would show it to everybody.' Katenka is as charming as usual, and Mimi, too, is good, but tiresome9.
"Now let me speak of more serious matters. You write to me that your affairs are not going well this winter, and that you wish to break into the revenues of Chabarovska. It seems to me strange that you should think it necessary to ask my consent. Surely what belongs to me belongs no less to you? You are so kind-hearted, dear, that, for fear of worrying me, you conceal10 the real state of things, but I can guess that you have lost a great deal at cards, as also that you are afraid of my being angry at that. Yet, so long as you can tide over this crisis, I shall not think much of it, and you need not be uneasy, I have grown accustomed to no longer relying, so far as the children are concerned, upon your gains at play, nor yet--excuse me for saying so--upon your income. Therefore your losses cause me as little anxiety as your gains give me pleasure. What I really grieve over is your unhappy passion itself for gambling--a passion which bereaves11 me of part of your tender affection and obliges me to tell you such bitter truths as (God knows with what pain) I am now telling you. I never cease. to beseech12 Him that He may preserve us, not from poverty (for what is poverty?), but from the terrible juncture13 which would arise should the interests of the children, which I am called upon to protect, ever come into collision with our own. Hitherto God has listened to my prayers. You have never yet overstepped the limit beyond which we should be obliged either to sacrifice property which would no longer belong to us, but to the children, or-- It is terrible to think of, but the dreadful misfortune at which I hint is forever hanging over our heads. Yes, it is the heavy cross which God has given us both to carry.
"Also, you write about the children, and come back to our old point of difference by asking my consent to your placing them at a boarding-school. You know my objection to that kind of education. I do not know, dear, whether you will accede14 to my request, but I nevertheless beseech you, by your love for me, to give me your promise that never so long as I am alive, nor yet after my death (if God should see fit to separate us), shall such a thing be done.
"Also you write that our affairs render it indispensable for you to visit St. Petersburg. The Lord go with you! Go and return as, soon as possible. Without you we shall all of us be lonely.
"Spring is coming in beautifully. We keep the door on to the terrace always open now, while the path to the orangery is dry and the peach-trees are in full blossom. Only here and there is there a little snow remaining, The swallows are arriving, and to- day Lubotshka brought me the first flowers. The doctor says that in about three days' time I shall be well again and able to take the open air and to enjoy the April sun. Now, au revoir, my dearest one. Do not he alarmed, I beg of you, either on account of my illness or on account of your losses at play. End the crisis as soon as possible, and then return here with the children for the summer. I am making wonderful plans for our passing of it, and I only need your presence to realise them."
The rest of the letter was written in French, as well as in a strange, uncertain hand, on another piece of paper. I transcribe15 it word for word:
"Do not believe what I have just written to you about my illness. It is more serious than any one knows. I alone know that I shall never leave my bed again. Do not, therefore, delay a minute in coming here with the children. Perhaps it may yet be permitted me to embrace and bless them. It is my last wish that it should be so. I know what a terrible blow this will be to you, but you would have had to hear it sooner or later--if not from me, at least from others. Let us try to, bear the Calamity16 with fortitude17, and place our trust in the mercy of God. Let us submit ourselves to His will. Do not think that what I am writing is some delusion18 of my sick imagination. On the contrary, I am perfectly19 clear at this moment, and absolutely calm. Nor must you comfort yourself with the false hope that these are the unreal, confused feelings of a despondent20 spirit, for I feel indeed, I know, since God has deigned21 to reveal it to me--that I have now but a very short time to live. Will my love for you and the children cease with my life? I know that that can never be. At this moment I am too full of that love to be capable of believing that such a feeling (which constitutes a part of my very existence) can ever, perish. My soul can never lack its love for you; and I know that that love will exist for ever, since such a feeling could never have been awakened22 if it were not to be eternal. I shall no longer be with you, yet I firmly believe that my love will cleave23 to you always, and from that thought I glean24 such comfort that I await the approach of death calmly and without fear. Yes, I am calm, and God knows that I have ever looked, and do look now, upon death as no mere25 than the passage to a better life. Yet why do tears blind my eyes? Why should the children lose a mother's love? Why must you, my husband, experience such a heavy and unlooked-for blow? Why must I die when your love was making life so inexpressibly happy for me?
"But His holy will be done!
"The tears prevent my writing more. It may be that I shall never see you again. I thank you, my darling beyond all price, for all the felicity with which you have surrounded me in this life. Soon I shall appear before God Himself to pray that He may reward you. Farewell, my dearest! Remember that, if I am no longer here, my love will none the less NEVER AND NOWHERE fail you. Farewell, Woloda--farewell, my pet! Farewell, my Benjamin, my little Nicolinka! Surely they will never forget me?"
With this letter had come also a French note from Mimi, in which the latter said:
"The sad circumstances of which she has written to you are but too surely confirmed by the words of the doctor. Yesterday evening she ordered the letter to be posted at once, but, thinking at she did so in delirium26, I waited until this morning, with the intention of sealing and sending it then. Hardly had I done so when Natalia Nicolaevna asked me what I had done with the letter and told me to burn it if not yet despatched. She is forever speaking of it, and saying that it will kill you. Do not delay your departure for an instant if you wish to see the angel before she leaves us. Pray excuse this scribble27, but I have not slept now for three nights. You know how much I love her."
Later I heard from Natalia Savishna (who passed the whole of the night of the 11th April at Mamma's bedside) that, after writing the first part of the letter, Mamma laid it down upon the table beside her and went to sleep for a while,
"I confess," said Natalia Savishna, "that I too fell asleep in the arm-chair, and let my knitting slip from my hands. Suddenly, towards one o'clock in the morning, I heard her saying something; whereupon I opened my eyes and looked at her. My darling was sitting up in bed, with her hands clasped together and streams of tears gushing28 from her eyes.
"'It is all over now,' she said, and hid her face in her hands.
"I sprang to my feet, and asked what the matter was.
"'Ah, Natalia Savishna, if you could only know what I have just seen!' she said; yet, for all my asking, she would say no more, beyond commanding me to hand her the letter. To that letter she added something, and then said that it must be sent off directly. From that moment she grew, rapidly worse."
四月十六日，离我描述的那一天将近六个月以后，我们正在上课的时候，爸爸走上楼来；说当天夜里我们就要同他一起下乡。一听到这个消息，我心里就难过起来，我的思想立刻转到妈妈身上。
这样突如其来的启程是因为下面这封信引起的：
彼得洛夫斯科耶。四月十二日。
直到现在，晚上十点钟，我才接到你四月三日那封亲切的信，我照一向的习惯，立即写回信。费多尔昨天就把你的信从城里带回来，但是因为天晚了，今天早晨他才交给米米。米米借口说我身体不好，心绪不宁，一整天都没有把信交给我。我的确有点低烧，说老实话，已经是第四天了，我不大舒服，没有起床。
请你千万不要害怕，亲爱的：我觉得自己相当好，如果伊凡·瓦里西耶维奇许可，明天我就想起来。
上星期五，我带孩子们坐车出去；但是在大路拐角上，就是在总使我感到害怕的小桥旁，马匹陷到泥塘里去了。天气非常明媚，我想趁他们把车子拖出来的时间，步行到大路上。当我走到小礼拜堂的时候，觉得非常疲倦，坐下来休息休息，因为隔了半个来钟头才来人拖车，我觉得身上发冷，特别是我的脚，因为我穿的是薄底靴，而且都湿透了。午饭后，我感到身上一阵冷一阵热，但是照常走动，吃茶以后，坐下来同柳博奇卡合奏。（你简直不会认得她了，她有了那么大的进步！）但是当我发现我不能数拍子时，你想想我是多么惊异吧！我数了好几次，但是我的脑子完会混乱了，我感到耳朵里也异样地鸣响起来。我数着一、二、三，接着就突然数起八、十五，主要的是，我意识到自己语无伦次，却怎么也纠正不过来。最后米米帮我的忙，几乎是强迫我躺到床上。这样，亲爱的，你就会详细了解我是怎样病倒的，而且全是我自己的过错。第二天我发烧相当厉害，于是我们那位善良的老伊凡·瓦西里奇来了 ① ，他一直留在我们家，答应不久就让我到户外去。这个伊凡·瓦西里奇是个好极了的老头儿！当我发烧、说胡话的时候，他就整夜不合眼，坐在我的床边；现在，因为知道我要写信，就同小姑娘们坐在起居室里，我从卧室里可以听到，他在给她们讲德国童话，她们听着，险些笑死了。
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①伊凡·瓦西里奇：即伊凡·瓦西里耶维奇。
La belle Flamande， ① 如你称呼她的，从上星期就到我们家来作客，因为她母亲到什么地方作客去了，她对我的关怀表明她怀着非常真诚的眷恋之情。她把内心的一切秘密都向我吐露了。以她那漂亮的脸庞、善良的心地和青春，要是有人好好地管教她，她在各方面都会出落成一个好姑娘；但是在她生活的圈子里，根据她所讲的话来判断，她会完全毁掉的。我突然想到，如果我自己没有那么多孩子，我就会做好事收养她。
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①La belle Flamande：法语“那个佛拉米美人”。
柳博奇卡本来想亲自给你写信，但是已经撕掉三张纸了，她说：“我知道爸爸多么爱嘲笑人：如果写错了一点点，他就会拿给大家看。”卡简卡还是那么可爱，米米还是那样善良而忧郁。
现在我们来谈正经事吧：你给我的信上说，今年冬天你的经济情况不好，你不得不动用哈巴洛夫卡那笔钱。我甚至觉得奇怪，你居然还要征求我的同意。难道我的东西不就是你的吗？
你那么体贴，我的亲爱的，为了怕使我伤心，把你的真实的经济情况隐瞒着我；但是我猜想得到：你大概输了很多钱，我敢起誓，我并没有因此而悲伤。因而，要是事情可以补救的话，就请你不要大放在心上，不必徒然折磨自己。我一向不指望你为孩子们赢钱，而且，请你原谅，也不指望你的全部财产。作赢了钱我并不高兴，输了钱我也不难过；使我难过的只是，你这不幸的赌将夺去了你对我的一部分温存爱恋，逼得我家现在这样，说出这样痛心的真话；上帝晓得，这样做我有多么痛苦啊！我不住地向上帝祈祷一件事，请求他使我们摆脱……不是摆脱贫穷（贫穷算得了什么呢？），而是摆脱当我必须维护的孩子们的利益同我们自己的利益发生冲突时的那种可怕处境。直到目前为止，上帝都倾听了我的祈祷；你没有越过那条界限，如果那样，我们就得牺牲那份已经不属于我们而属于孩子们的财产，要不就是……想起来都可怕，但是这种可怕的不幸总在威胁着我们。是的，这是上帝加在我们两人身上的沉重的十字架。
你给我的信上还谈到孩子们，又回到我们老早争论过的问题上：你要求我同意把他们送进学校。你知道我对这种教育抱有成见……
我不知道，我的亲爱的，你是否同意我的意见；但是无论如何，我恳求你，为了对我的爱答应我，无论在我活着或死后（要是上帝愿意折散我们的话），永远不会发生这样的事。
你给我的信上说，你必须去彼得堡一趟料理我们的家务。愿基督与你同在，我的亲爱的，去吧，希望你早日回来。你不在，我们大家觉得那么寂寞！春光明媚得惊人：凉台上的双层们已经卸下，通往暖房的小径四天前已经完全干了，桃花正在盛开；仅仅有些地方还有些残雪；燕子飞回来了；今天柳博奇卡给我拿来春天的第一枝花。医生说我再过两三天就可以完全复原，能够呼吸呼吸新鲜空气，在四月的阳光中晒晒太阳。再见吧，亲爱的朋友，请不要为我的病，也不要为你赌输了钱担心；赶快办完事，带着孩子们回来过一个夏天。至于我们怎样消夏，我已经做了美好的计划，只要你手就可以实现。
这封信的下面一部分是用法文写的，用不整齐的连笔字体写在另一张纸上。我逐字地把它翻译过来：不要相信我信上所写的病情；谁也猜想不到它有多么严重。只有我自己知道，我再也起不了床啦，不要错过一分钟，立刻带着孩子们回来。也许我还可以再拥抱你一次，再为你祝福一番；这是我最后的唯一希望。我知道，这对你是多么可怕的打击；不过反正迟早从我这里或者从别人那里，你会得到这种打击的；让我们坚强地，靠着上帝的恩典，尽力忍受这种不幸吧！让我们听从上帝的意旨吧。
不要认为我所写的是病中胡思乱想的梦呓；恰恰相反，这时我的思想极其清楚，我十分镇静。不要以为这是一个怯懦的灵魂的虚妄的、模糊的预感，而用这种希望来安慰自己。不，我觉得我知道，我所以知道，是因为上帝已经给我启示，我活不长了。
难道我对你和孩子们的爱情会随着我的生命而完结吗？我明白这是不可的。此刻我的感情是非常强烈的，我无法设想，没有它我就不能理解生存的这种感情，有朝一日会消灭。没有对你们的爱，我的灵魂就不能存在。象我的爱这样的感情，若是有朝一日会消灭的话，那它就不会产生，单凭这一点，我就知道它会永久存在。
我将不再和你们在一起；但是我坚信我的爱永远不会离开你们，这种想法使我的心灵得到慰藉，我十分平静地、毫无畏惧地等待着死神的来临。
我很平静，上帝知道，我一向把死看作是过渡到更美好的生活，现在也还是这样看；但是为什么眼泪使我窒息？……为什么要使孩子们失去亲爱的母亲？为什么要使你遭到这么沉重而意外的打击？当你的爱情使我的生活无限幸福的时刻，我为什么要死去呢？
让上帝的神圣意旨实现吧。
由于泪眼模糊，我再也不能写下去。也许我再也见不到你。我的无价的朋友，为了今生你给予我的一切幸福，我感谢你；我会祈求上帝酬报你。别了，亲爱的朋友；记住，我虽然不在了，但是我的爱情随时随地都不会离弃你。别了，沃洛佳！别了，我的宝贝！别了，我的文雅们——我的尼古连卡！
难道有一天他们会忘记我吗？！
这封信里还附着米米用法文写的一张便笺，内容如下：
她对您讲的这种悲惨的预感，已经被医生的话充分证实了。昨天夜里，她吩咐立刻把这封信付邮。我以为她是在说吃语，于是我决定等到今天早晨，并且决定拆开看看。我刚一打开，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜就问那封信我怎么处理了，吩咐我说，如果还没有寄走就烧掉。她不住地这么说，而且肯定地说这会使你们痛苦万分。如果您希望在这位天使离开我们之前看一看她，那就不要拖延归期。原谅我写得这么潦草。我已经三夜没有睡了。您知道我多么爱她！
四月十一日，在我母亲的寝室里守了一整夜的娜达丽雅·萨维什娜告诉我说，妈妈写好这封信的第一部分时，把信放在身边的小桌上，就寝了。
“我得承认，”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜说，“我自己在安乐椅上打盹了，我织的袜子从手里掉下去。”半夜十二点多钟，我在梦中听到仿佛她在讲话；我睁开眼一看：她，我的宝贝，坐在床上，两手这样交叉着，泪如雨下，‘那末说，一切就完了？’她只说了这么一句，就用双手把脸捂上。
“我跳起来问：‘怎么回事？’
“‘哦，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜，但愿你知道我刚刚梦见了谁？’
“不论我怎么追问，她都不对我讲了。她只叫我把小桌移近些，又写了几行字，叫我当面把信封上，立刻送走。以后，情况就愈来愈坏了。”
收听单词发音 |
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pang
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feverish
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extricated
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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luncheon
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delirious
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| adj.不省人事的，神智昏迷的 | |
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belle
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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tiresome
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conceal
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bereaves
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| v.使失去（希望、生命等）( bereave的第三人称单数 )；（尤指死亡）使丧失（亲人、朋友等）；使孤寂；抢走（财物） | |
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beseech
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juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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accede
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| v.应允，同意 | |
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transcribe
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| v.抄写，誉写；改编(乐曲)；复制，转录 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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despondent
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| adj.失望的，沮丧的，泄气的 | |
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deigned
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| v.屈尊，俯就( deign的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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cleave
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| v．(clave；cleaved)粘着，粘住；坚持；依恋 | |
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glean
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| v.收集(消息、资料、情报等) | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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delirium
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| n. 神智昏迷,说胡话;极度兴奋 | |
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scribble
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| v.潦草地书写，乱写，滥写；n.潦草的写法，潦草写成的东西，杂文 | |
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gushing
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| adj.迸出的；涌出的；喷出的；过分热情的v.喷，涌( gush的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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