Next term they were intimate at once. "Hall, I nearly wrote a letter to you in the vac," said Durham, plunging1 into a conversation.
"That so?"
"But an awful screed2. I'd been having a rotten time."
His voice was not very serious, and Maurice said, "What went wrong? Couldn't you keep down the Christmas pudding?"
It presently appeared that the pudding was allegorical; there had been a big family row.
"I don't know what you'll say—I'd rather like your opinion on what happened if it doesn't bore you."
"Not a bit," said Maurice.
"We've had a bust3 up on the religious question."
At that moment they were interrupted by Chapman.
"I'm sorry, we're fixing something," Maurice told him.
Chapman withdrew.
"You needn't have done that, any time would do for my rot," Durham protested. He went on more earnestly.
"Hall, I don't want to worry you with my beliefs, or rather with their absence, but to explain the situation I must just tell you that I'm unorthodox. I'm not a Christian4."
Maurice held unorthodoxy to be bad form and had remarked last term in a college debate that if a man had doubts he might have the grace to keep them to himself. But he only said to Dur-ham that it was a difficult question and a wide one.
"I know—it isn't about that. Leave it aside." He looked for a little into the fire. "It is about the way my mother took it. I told her six months ago—in the summer—and she didn't mind. She made some foolish joke, as she does, but that was all. It just passed over. I was thankful, for it had been on my mind for years. I had never believed since I found something that did me better, quite as a kid, and when I came to know Risley and his crew it seemed imperative5 to speak out. You know what a point they make of that—it's really their main point. So I spoke6 out. She said, 'Oh yes, you'll be wiser when you are as old as me': the mildest form of the thing conceivable, and I went away re-joicing. Now it's all come up again."
"Why?"
"Why? On account of Christmas. I didn't want to communi-cate. You're supposed to receive it three times a year—"
"Yes, I know. Holy Communion."
"—and at Christmas it came round. I said I wouldn't. Mother wheedled7 me in a way quite unlike her, asked me to do it this once to please her—then got cross, said I would damage her reputation as well as my own—we're the local squires8 and the neighbourhood's uncivilized. But what I couldn't stand was the end. She said I was wicked. I could have honoured her if she had said that six months before, but now! now to drag in holy words like wickedness and goodness in order to make me do what I disbelieved. I told her I have my own communions. If I went to them as you and the girls are doing to yours my gods would kill me!' I suppose that was too strong."
Maurice, not well understanding, said, "So did you go?"
"Where?"
"To the church."
Durham sprang up. His face was disgusted. Then he bit his lip and began to smile.
"No, I didn't go to church, Hall. I thought that was plain."
"I'm sorry—I wish you'd sit down. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm rather slow at catching9."
Durham squatted10 on the rug close to Maurice's chair. "Have you known Chapman long?" he asked after a pause.
"Here and at school, five years."
"Oh." He seemed to reflect. "Give me a cigarette. Put it in my mouth. Thanks." Maurice supposed the talk was over, but after the swirl11 he went on. "You see—you mentioned you had a mother and two sisters, which is exactly my own allowance, and all through the row I was wondering what you would have done in my position."
"Your mother must be very different to mine."
"What is yours like?"
"She never makes a row about anything."
"Because you've never yet done anything she wouldn't ap-prove, I expect—and never will."
"Oh no, she wouldn't fag herself."
"You can't tell, Hall, especially with women. I'm sick with her. That's my real trouble that I want your help about."
"She'll come round."
"Exactly, my dear chap, but shall I? I must have been pre-tending to like her. This row has shattered my he. I did think I had stopped building lies. I despise her character, I am dis-gusted with her. There, I have told you what no one else in the world knows."
Maurice clenched12 his fist and hit Durham lightly on the head with it. "Hard luck," he breathed.
"Tell me about your home life."
"There's nothing to tell. We just go on."
"Lucky devils."
"Oh, I don't know. Are you ragging, or was your vac really beastly, Durham?"
"Absolute Hell, misery13 and Hell."
Maurice's fist unclenched to reform with a handful of hair in its grasp.
"Waou, that hurts!" cried the other joyously14.
"What did your sisters say about Holy Communion?"
"One's married a clerg—No, that hurts."
"Absolute Hell, eh?"
"Hall, I never knew you were a fool—" he possessed15 himself of Maurice's hand— "and the other's engaged to Archibald Lon-don, Esquire, of the—Waou! Ee! Shut up, I'm going." He fell between Maurice's knees.
"Well, why don't you go if you're going?"
"Because I can't go."
It was the first time he had dared to play with Durham. Reli-gion and relatives faded into the background, as he rolled him up in the hearth16 rug and fitted his head into the waste-paper basket. Hearing the noise, Fetherstonhaugh ran up and helped. There was nothing but ragging for many days after that, Dur-ham becoming quite as silly as himself. Wherever they met, which was everywhere, they would butt17 and spar and embroil18 their friends. At last Durham got tired. Being the weaker he was hurt sometimes, and his chairs had been broken. Maurice felt the change at once. His coltishness19 passed, but they had become demonstrative during it. They walked arm in arm or arm around shoulder now. When they sat it was nearly always in the same position—Maurice in a chair, and Durham at his feet, leaning against him. In the world of their friends this attracted no no-tice. Maurice would stroke Durham's hair.
And their range increased elsewhere. During this Lent term Maurice came out as a theologian. It was not humbug20 entirely21. He believed that he believed, and felt genuine pain when any-thing he was accustomed to met criticism—the pain that mas-querades among the middle classes as Faith. It was not Faith,
being inactive. It gave him no support, no wider outlook. It didn't exist till opposition22 touched it, when it ached like a use-less nerve. They all had these nerves at home, and regarded them as divine, though neither the Bible nor the Prayer Book nor the Sacraments nor Christian ethics23 nor anything spiritual were alive to them. "But how can people?" they exclaimed, when anything was attacked, and subscribed24 to Defence Soci-eties. Maurice's father was becoming a pillar of Church and So-ciety when he died, and other things being alike Maurice would have stiffened25 too.
But other things were not to be alike. He had this overwhelm-ing desire to impress Durham. He wanted to show his friend that he had something besides brute27 strength, and where his father would have kept canny28 silence he began to talk, talk. "You think I don't think, but I can tell you I do." Very often Durham made no reply and Maurice would be terrified lest he was losing him. He had heard it said, "Durham's all right as long as you amuse him, then he drops you," and feared lest by exhibiting his orthodoxy he was bringing on what he tried to avoid. But he could not stop. The craving29 for notice grew overwhelming, so he talked, talked.
One day Durham said, "Hall, why this thusness?"
"Religion means a lot to me," bluffed30 Maurice. "Because I say so little you think I don't feel. I care a lot."
"In that case come to coffee after hall."
They were just going in. Durham, being a scholar, had to read grace, and there was cynicism in his accent. During the meal they looked at each other. They sat at different tables, but Maurice had contrived31 to move his seat so that he could glance at his friend. The phase of bread pellets was over. Durham looked severe this evening and was not speaking to his neigh-bours. Maurice knew that he was thoughtful and wondered what about.
"You wanted to get it and you're going to," said Durham, sporting the door.
Maurice went cold and then crimson32. But Durham's voice, when he next heard it, was attacking his opinions on the Trinity. He thought he minded about the Trinity, yet it seemed unim-portant beside the fires of his terror. He sprawled34 in an arm-chair, all the strength out of him, with sweat on his forehead and hands. Durham moved about getting the coffee ready and saying, "I knew you wouldn't like this, but you have brought it on yourself. You can't expect me to bottle myself up indefinitely. I must let out sometimes."
"Go on," said Maurice, clearing his throat.
"I never meant to talk, for I respect people's opinions too much to laugh at them, but it doesn't seem to me that you have any opinions to respect. They're all second-hand35 tags—no, tenth-hand."
Maurice, who was recovering, remarked that this was pretty strong.
"You're always saying, 1 care a lot.'"
"And what right have you to assume that I don't?"
"You do care a lot about something, Hall, but it obviously isn't the Trinity."
"What is it then?"
"Rugger."
Maurice had another attack. His hand shook and he spilt the coffee on the arm of the chair. "You're a bit unfair," he heard himself saying. "You might at least have the grace to suggest that I care about people."
Durham looked surprised, but said, "You care nothing about the Trinity, any way."
"Oh, damn the Trinity."
He burst with laughter. "Exactly, exactly. We will now pass on to my next point."
"I don't see the use, and I've a rotten head any way—I mean a headache. Nothing's gained by—all this. No doubt I can't prove the thing—I mean the arrangement of Three Gods in One and One in Three. But it means a lot to millions of people, what-ever you may say, and we aren't going to give it up. We feel about it very deeply. God is good. That is the main point. Why go off on a side track?"
"Why feel so deeply about a side track?"
"What?"
Durham tidied up his remarks for him.
"Well, the whole show all hangs together."
"So that if the Trinity went wrong it would invalidate the whole show?"
"I don't see that. Not at all."
He was doing badly, but his head really did ache, and when he wiped the sweat off it re-formed.
"No doubt I can't explain well, as I care for nothing but rug-ger."
Durham came and sat humorously on the edge of his chair.
"Look out—you've gone into the coffee now."
"Blast—so I have."
While he cleaned himself, Maurice unsported and looked out into the court. It seemed years since he had left it. He felt dis-inclined to be longer alone with Durham and called to some men to join them. A coffee of the usual type ensued, but when they left Maurice felt equally disinclined to leave with them. He flourished the Trinity again. "It's a mystery," he argued.
"It isn't a mystery to me. But I honour anyone to whom it really is."
Maurice felt uncomfortable and looked at his own thick brown hands. Was the Trinity really a mystery to him? Except at his confirmation36 had he given the institution five minutes'
thought? The arrival of the other men had cleared his head, and, no longer emotional, he glanced at his mind. It appeared like his hands—serviceable, no doubt, and healthy, and capable of development. But it lacked refinement38, it had never touched mysteries, nor a good deal else. It was thick and brown.
"My position's this," he announced after a pause. "I don't be-lieve in the Trinity, I give in there, but on the other hand I was wrong when I said everything hangs together. It doesn't, and because I don't believe in the Trinity it doesn't mean I am not a Christian."
"What do you believe in?" said Durham, unchecked.
"The—the essentials."
"As?"
In a low voice Maurice said, "The Redemption." He had never spoken the words out of church before and thrilled with emotion. But he did not believe in them any more than in the Trinity, and knew that Durham would detect this. The Re-demption was the highest card in the suit, but that suit wasn't trumps39, and his friend could capture it with some miserable40 two.
All that Durham said at the time was, "Dante did believe in the Trinity," and going to the shelf found the concluding pas-sage of theParadiso. He read to Maurice about the three rainbow circles that intersect, and between their junctions41 is enshadowed a human face. Poetry bored Maurice, but towards the close he cried, "Whose face was it?"
"God's, don't you see?"
"But isn't that poem supposed to be a dream?"
Hall was a muddle-headed fellow, and Durham did not try to make sense of this, nor knew that Maurice was thinking of a dream of his own at school, and of the voice that had said, "That is your friend."
"Dante would have called it an awakening42, not a dream."
"Then you think that sort of stuff's all right?"
"Belief's always right," replied Durham, putting back the book. "It's all right and it's also unmistakable. Every man has somewhere about him some belief for which he'd die. Only isn't it improbable that your parents and guardians43 told it to you? If there is one won't it be part of your own flesh and spirit? Show me that. Don't go hawking44 out tags like 'The Redemption' or 'The Trinity'."
"I've given up the Trinity."
"The Redemption, then."
"You're beastly hard," said Maurice. "I always knew I was stupid, it's no news. The Risley set are more your sort and you had better talk to them."
Durham looked awkward. He was nonplussed45 for a reply at last, and let Maurice slouch off without protest. Next day they met as usual. It had not been a tiff26 but a sudden gradient, and they travelled all the quicker after the rise. They talked theol-ogy again, Maurice defending the Redemption. He lost. He real-ized that he had no sense of Christ's existence or of his goodness, and should be positively46 sorry if there was such a person. His dislike of Christianity grew and became profound. In ten days he gave up communicating, in three weeks he cut out all the chapels47 he dared. Durham was puzzled by the rapidity. They were both puzzled, and Maurice, although he had lost and yielded all his opinions, had a queer feeling that he was really winning and carrying on a campaign that he had begun last term.
For Durham wasn't bored with him now. Durham couldn't do without him, and would be found at all hours curled up in his room and spoiling to argue. It was so unlike the man, who was reserved and no great dialectician. He gave as his reason for at-
tacking33 Maurice's opinions that "They are so rotten, Hall, every-one else up here believes respectably." Was this the whole truth? Was there not something else behind his new manner and furi-ous iconoclasm? Maurice thought there was. Outwardly in re-treat, he thought that his Faith was a pawn48 well lost; for in capturing it Durham had exposed his heart.
Towards the end of term they touched upon a yet more deli-cate subject. They attended the Dean's translation class, and when one of the men was forging quietly ahead Mr Cornvvallis observed in a flat toneless voice: "Omit: a reference to the un-speakable vice37 of the Greeks." Durham observed afterwards that he ought to lose his fellowship for such hypocrisy49.
Maurice laughed.
"I regard it as a point of pure scholarship. The Greeks, or most of them, were that way inclined, and to omit it is to omit the mainstay of Athenian society."
"Is that so?"
"You've read theSymposium?'
Maurice had not, and did not add that he had explored Mar-tial.
"It's all in there—not meat for babes, of course, but you ought to read it. Read it this vac."
No more was said at the time, but he was free of another sub-ject, and one that he had never mentioned to any living soul. He hadn't known it could be mentioned, and when Durham did so in the middle of the sunlitcourt a breath of liberty touched him.
下一个学期（译注：剑桥大学的学年从每年十月间开始。全年分三个学期，每个学期约八个半星期。三个学期分别是米迦勒节学期、四旬斋学期、复括节学期。“下一个学期”指四旬斋学期。）伊始，他们两个人的关系变得亲密了。
“霍尔，在假期里，我差点儿给你写信。”德拉姆一看见莫瑞斯就说。
“是吗？”
“然而写起来就冗长得要命。日子过得糟糕透顶。”
他的语气并不很严肃。于是莫瑞斯说：“有什么不对？吃圣诞节布丁，肚子出毛病了吗？”
不一会儿，他就听出了布丁可以用作寓言，德拉姆家里发生了一起激烈的争吵。
“我不晓得你会怎么说——倘若你不觉得厌烦的话，我倒是想听听你对此事的看法。”
“一点儿也不觉得厌烦。”莫瑞斯说。
“关于宗教问题，我们吵得不可开交。”
这时候，查普曼的到来打搅了他们。
“对不起，我们正在谈话。”莫瑞斯对他说。
查普曼走了。
“你不必那么做，什么时候都可以听我这番无稽之谈。”德拉姆提出异议，然而他更认真地继续谈着。
“霍尔，我不愿意用自己的信仰——或者不如说是缺乏信仰——的问题来烦扰你。但是为了把情况解释明白，我必须告诉你，我是个异端分子，我不是个基督教徒。”
按照莫瑞斯的观点，异端就是邪恶的。上学期在学院所举行的一次讨论会上，他曾发表这样一种见解：倘若一个人对基督教有疑问，也应该有守口如瓶的雅量。然而他对德拉姆只说了句“信仰是个很麻烦的问题，范围太大了”。
“我知道——不是关于信仰的问题，把它撇在一边吧。”他注视了一会儿炉火。“而是我母亲对此事怎样看的问题。半年前——夏天的时候——我就告诉她了，她并未介意。她照例说了些愚蠢的笑话，仅此而已，事情就过去了。我感到欣慰，因为这是我多年的心事。小时候我发现了对我来说有些事比基督教更有益处，从此再也没信过神。当我结识了里斯利以及他那伙人之后，就很想全部说出来。你知道他们把坦诚看得多么重要，这确实是他们的主要着眼点。于是我就向母亲和盘托出。她说：‘啊，是吗？你到了我这岁数，会稍微变得聪明一些吧。’这是我所能想象的最温和的反应了，我欢欢喜喜地离开了家。可是在这次的假期中，这一切又成了问题。”
“为什么？”
“为什么？由于过圣诞节的缘故。我不愿意领圣餐，基督教徒每年应该领三次圣餐一”
“啊，我知道，圣餐。”
“过圣诞节的时候，这就成问题了。我说我绝不去，母亲一反常态，用甜言蜜语哄我，要求我领这一次圣餐，好让她高兴。接着她就生起气来，说我会损坏我本人以及她的名誉。我们是本地的乡绅，周围净是没受过教育的人们。然而我所不能忍受的是母亲的最后一句话。母亲说我是邪恶的。如果她这话是半年前说的，我可以接受她的看法，现在不行！为了让我做没有信仰的事，眼下竟用上邪恶啦、善良啦这样一些分量很重的词。我告诉她，我有我个人的圣餐仪式。‘倘若我像您和咱们家的女孩子们参加你们的圣餐仪式那样去参加我的圣餐仪式的话，我的神祗们会杀掉我的！’这话恐怕说得太重了。”
莫瑞斯没怎么听懂他的意思，就问道：“那么，你去了吧？”
“去哪儿？”
“教堂呀。”
德拉姆跳了起来，满脸厌恶的神色。接着他咬咬嘴唇．面泛微笑。
“没有，霍尔，我没去教堂。我认为这是不言而喻的事。”
“对不起——我请求你坐下来。我无意触犯你，我的脑筋太迟钝了。”
德拉姆挨着莫瑞斯的椅子蹲在地毯上。过了一会儿，他问：“你跟查普曼认识很长时间了吗？”
“从公学到现在五年了。”
“噢。”他好像在沉思。“给我一支香烟，替我送到嘴里，多谢。”莫瑞斯以为有关信仰的话已结束了，然而喷出一口烟后，他又说下去。“听我说——你告诉过我，你有母亲和两个妹妹，刚好和我的情形一样。在那场争吵中，我一直想知道，要是你会怎么办事？”
“你母亲肯定和我母亲不同。”
“你母亲是怎样一个人？”
“她对任何事情都不大吵大闹。”
“因为你从来还没做过让她不赞成的事，我料想，今后你也永远不会的。”
“哦，不是这样。我母亲不愿意把自己弄得疲惫不堪。”
“简直说不准。霍尔，尤其是女人。我对母亲感到厌恶。这就是我真正的烦恼，想得到你的帮助。”
“她会回心转意的。”
“千真万确，亲爱的老弟。可是我呢？过去我想必是假装爱她而已。这次的争吵使我的谎言粉碎了。我的确以为自己已经不再编造谎言了。我讨厌她的性格，她令我反感。喏，我把世界上其他任何人都不知道的事告诉你了。”
莫瑞斯攥起拳头，轻轻地敲着德拉姆的头。“运气不好。”他低声说。
“对我说说你们～家人的生活。”
“没什么好说的，我们只是这样相处下去。”
“你们这些幸运儿。”
“哦，我不知道，德拉姆，你是在开玩笑呢，还是假期实在过得糟透了呢？”
“简直是活地狱，悲惨的境遇，人间地狱。”
莫瑞斯打开拳头，抓住德拉姆的一绺头发，又攥紧拳头。
“哇，好疼！”德拉姆快活地叫起来。
“关于圣餐仪式，你的妹妹们怎么说？”
“有个妹妹跟一位牧师结婚了——别，好疼。”
“简直是活地狱，啊？”
“霍尔，我再也没想到你是一个愚蠢的——”他抓住了莫瑞斯的手。“另一个跟乡绅阿尔赤鲍尔德·伦敦订了婚一嗷！哎哟！放手，我走啦。”他倒在莫瑞斯的双膝之间了。
“喏，你说要走，为什么不走呢？”
“因为我不能走哇。”
莫瑞斯这是头一回胆敢跟德拉姆闹着玩儿。当他拿壁炉前的小地毯把德拉姆裹起来，并将字纸篓扣在他头上时，宗教和亲属就消失了踪影。费瑟斯顿豪听到喧闹声，跑上楼，解救了德拉姆。从此，他们二人一连打闹了好多天。德拉姆变得跟莫瑞斯一样滑稽可笑。他们不论在什么地方相遇——他们在任何地方都相遇——就半真半假地互相殴打，把朋友们也卷进去。德拉姆终于感到厌烦了。他的体质较弱，间或受了伤，屋中的几把椅子也给弄坏了。莫瑞斯立即觉察出德拉姆的心情起了变化。他不再像小马驹那样跟德拉姆欢闹了，然而，通过欢闹。他们学会了直率地表露感情。如今他们两个人互相挽着臂，或者搂着脖子走路。当他们坐下来的时候，姿势几乎一成不变——莫瑞斯坐在椅子上，德拉姆坐在他脚下，倚着他的膝。在朋友们当中，这不曾引起人们的注意。莫瑞斯总是抚摩德拉姆的头发。
他们还向其他领域扩展。在四旬斋（译注：四旬斋（亦名大斋期），始自四旬斋首日（圣灰星期三）．即耶稣复活节前六个半星期，规定要在四十天内（星期日除外）进行斋戒，模拟当年耶稣在旷野禁食。）这个学期，莫瑞斯标榜自己是个神学家，这并不完全是无稽之谈。他相信自己是有信仰的，当他所习以为常的任何东西受到指责时，他就会感到真正的痛苦。在中产阶级的人们中间，这种痛苦戴着信仰的假面具。这不是信仰，其实是惰性。它不曾给予莫瑞斯支持，也没能帮助他扩大视野。遇到反击之前，它甚至不存在，一遇到反击，它就像不起作用的神经一样作痛。他们家每人都有这样一根神经，并把它看作神圣的。尽管对他们来说，《圣经》、祈祷书、圣餐、基督教伦理以及其他任何超乎世俗的东西都是没有生命的。其中任何一样东西遭到攻击后，他们就惊叫道：“人们怎么能这样？”于是就在保卫协会的文件上签名。莫瑞斯的父亲去世的时候快要成为教会与社会的中坚了。倘若处在同样的状况下，莫瑞斯的思想也会僵化的。
然而，他并没有处在同样的状况下。他有一种想要令德拉姆钦佩的无比强烈的愿望。他想向这位朋友显示，除了蛮劲十足，他还有别的。他父亲说话谨慎，他却喋喋不休。“你认为我什么也不想，然而我可以告诉你，不是这么回事。”德拉姆经常不回答。莫瑞斯就心惊胆战，以为会失掉这个朋友。他曾听人家说：“只要你一天能让德拉姆开心，他就对你好．否则他就把你甩了。”他生怕由于炫耀自己的正统宗教观点，会发生本来试图避免的事。然而他怎么也抑制不住，引起德拉姆瞩目的渴望越来越强烈，于是他口若悬河地说个没完。
一天，德拉姆说：“霍尔，你为什么这样？”
“对我来说，宗教信仰是至关紧要的事。”莫瑞斯虚张声势。“由于我说得极少，你就认为我无动于衷。我把它看得非常重要。”
“那么，会餐后到我屋里来喝咖啡吧。”
他们二人正往大餐厅里走。德拉姆领着奖学金，所以必须做饭前感恩祷告，他的祈祷含有玩世不恭的腔调。吃饭时他们相互望着。他们坐在不同的桌前，然而莫瑞斯巧妙地把椅子挪了挪，以便能看见他的朋友。把面包当作小球来抛掷的阶段早已成为过去。这个傍晚，德拉姆脸上的神色严肃，没跟周围的人们交谈。莫瑞斯知道他有心事，猜测着他究竟在想些什么。
“你想要什么，你就会得到什么。”德拉姆一边说一边关严外边那扇门，以表示“谢绝会见”。
莫瑞斯浑身发冷，满脸涨得通红。接着，莫瑞斯又听见德拉姆的声音了。他在对莫瑞斯关于三位一体（译注：三位一体指上帝（天主教中，叫做“天主”）本体为一，但又是圣父、圣子邪稣基督和圣灵三位。《新约》为三位一体教义提供了根据。到了四世纪末，三位一体教义已大致具备今天的形式。）的看法进行抨击。莫瑞斯原来以为自己是重视三位一体教义的。然而面对着这片恐怖的火焰，那好像无关紧要了。他仰面朝天地倒在一把扶手椅上，一点儿力气都没有了，额头和双手淌着汗。德拉姆踱来踱去，准备着咖啡，嘴里说：“我知道你不喜欢我这样，但你是自找的。你总不能指望我无限期地把话憋在心里，我非得不时地发泄一通不可。”
“说下去吧。”莫瑞斯清了清嗓子说。
“其实我本来什么也不想说，因为我一向十分尊重人们的意见，不愿意嘲笑他们。然而依我看，你好像没有任何值得尊重的意见。你那些意见统统是二手货——不，十手货。”
莫瑞斯又振作起来了，并指出德拉姆的话说得太重了。
“你的口头禅是：‘我把它看得非常重要。…
“你凭什么臆断不是这么回事呢？”
“你确实把一些事情看得很重要，霍尔，但那显然不是三位一体教义。”
“那么，是什么呢？”
“是足球。”
这又是对莫瑞斯的当头一棒。他的手颤抖起来，竟把咖啡洒在椅子的扶手上。“你有点儿不公平。”他听见自己这么说。“你起码有气度暗示一下，我把人看得很重要嘛。”
德拉姆的脸上露出惊奇的表情，说：“反正你把三位一体看得一点儿都不重要。”
“啊，让三位一体见鬼去吧！”
德拉姆突然哈哈大笑。“就得这样，就得这样，咱们现在来谈谈我的下一个论点。”
“我不明白这有什么用，反正我的脑袋有毛病，我是说头痛。毫无疑问，我证明不了这些事，也就是说，证明不了三位上帝本体为一，一位上帝本体为三。但是，不管你怎么说，对好几百万人而言，这是至关紧要的，我们是不会放弃这个教义的。对此我们有深切的感受。上帝是善良的，这是最重要的一点。为什么非要走上岔道不可呢？”
“为什么对岔道有深切的感受呢？”
“你说什么？”
德拉姆把莫瑞斯说过的话替他重新整理了一遍。
“喏，这样就首尾一致了。”
“那么，倘若三位一体教义出了错，是不是所有的论点都站不住脚了呢？”
“我不这么认为，决不会的。”
莫瑞斯完全处于招架之势。他的头还真疼，那些汗刚擦完，就又流了出来。
“难怪我解释不清楚，因为除了足球，我把什么都看得不重要。”
德拉姆走过来，情绪很好地坐在莫瑞斯那把椅子的边上。
“留神——你把咖啡碰洒啦。”
“糟糕——是我洒的。”
莫瑞斯一面擦洒在身上的咖啡，一面打开外边那扇门，朝院子里望去。离开这院子以来，好像已过了好几年似的。他不愿意再独自跟德拉姆相处，就招呼几个同学来和他们做伴，随后照平时那样喝起咖啡来。然而他们告辞时，莫瑞斯却没有跟他们结伴而去。他又吹嘘起三位一体教义来了。“这是神秘的。”他振振有词。
“对我来说，这并不神秘。然而我尊重那些由衷地感到它神秘的人。”
莫瑞斯感到不自在，瞧着自己这双厚实棕色的手。对他来说，三位一体真是神秘的吗？除了受坚振礼的时候，关于三位一体，他哪怕动过五分钟的脑筋呢？其他同学来过之后，他冷静下来，再也不感情用事了。他扫视了自己的头脑，它看上去像他这双手，毫无疑问，很耐用，又健康，具有发展的潜力。然而，它不够高雅，从未有过神秘的感觉，对旁的很多东西也都是这样。它是厚实棕色的。
“我采取这么个态度，”他顿了一下，接着大声说，“我不相信三位一体教义，在这一点上，我让步。另一方面，那句‘这样就首尾一敛了，，我说得不对，首尾并不一致。然而，不相信三位一体教义，并不意味着我不是个基督教徒。”
“你相信什么？”德拉姆逼问道。
“基——基督教的本质。”
“诸如……”
莫瑞斯低声说：“耶稣赎罪。”他从未在教会之外的地方这么说过，于是激动得热血沸腾。但是，正如他不相信三位一体教义，他也并不相信耶稣赎罪。他知道德拉姆会看破这一点。耶稣赎罪是一张将牌，然而这一局打的是无将牌，他的朋友用一张非将牌就能把它吃掉。
当时德拉姆只说了句：“但丁（译注：但丁(1265-1321)是意大利最伟大的诗人、散文作家、政治思想家。其杰杰作《神曲》采取了中古梦幻文学形式，分《地狱》、《炼狱》、《天国》三部分。“三”这个数字，作为”三位一体”的象征，经常出现于全书。）曾相信三位一体教义。”他从书架上找到了《天国》的最后部分。他把有关三道彩虹交叉处浮现出一张人脸的那几行读给莫瑞斯听。诗使莫瑞斯感到厌烦，但是快要读完的时候，他大声问：“是谁的脸？”
“神的，这不是很明显的事吗？”
“然而那诗不是假托幻梦来写的吗？”
霍尔这家伙头脑糊涂，德拉姆并不想弄懂他这句话的含义。他更无从知晓莫瑞斯正在想着自己在公学时期曾做过的那场梦的事，以及告诉他“这是你的朋友”的那个声音。
“但丁没说过那是梦，他宁愿把它说成是醒悟。”
“那么你认为浮想联翩是天经地义的？”
“信仰一向是天经地义的，”德拉姆边回答边把那本书放回去，“它是天经地义的，又是一贯正确的。每一个人都在心灵的某处有着某种信仰，他可以为之献出生命。不过，这会不会是你的父母和监护教给你的呢？倘若有信仰的话，是否应该成为你本人的肉身与灵魂的一部分呢？你得向我证实你是有信仰的。别再现趸现卖．耶稣赎罪’或‘三位一体’了。”
“我已经放弃三位一体了。”
“还有耶稣赎罪呢。”
“你太苛刻了，”莫瑞斯说，“我一向知道自己的脑筋迟钝，从来就是如此。里斯利那帮人对你更合适，你最好跟他们谈。”
德拉姆面泛尴尬的神色。他终于感到窘困，无言以对了，于是听任莫瑞斯萎靡不振地溜走。第二天，他们照平素那样见了面。他们二人昨天并没有拌嘴，只是面前猛地出现了个陡坡。攀上坡顶后，他们走得更快了。他们又讨论起神学来，莫瑞斯为耶稣赎罪进行辩护。他败在德拉姆手下。他认识到自己对基督的存在以及基督的善良产生不了真实的感觉。倘若果真有基督这么个人，他实在感到抱歉。他对基督教的厌恶与日俱增，越来越深。不出十天，他就决定不再领圣餐了。三个星期之内，凡是他敢于溜号儿的礼拜仪式，他一概不参加了。他的变化快得让德拉姆感到困惑。他们两个人都有困惑之感。莫瑞斯尽管败下阵来，放弃了他所有的见解，却尝到一种奇妙的陶醉感。他认为自己实际上是赢了，正持续着上学期打响的战斗。
如今德拉姆已经不再对他感到厌烦了。德拉姆已经离不开他了，任何时候都能发现德拉姆在莫瑞斯屋里蜷做一团，不停地想跟他争辩。这太不像德拉姆的为人了。德拉姆一向是矜持的，不是个辩论家。他反驳莫瑞斯的见解的借口是：“那是无稽之谈，霍尔。这里的其他任何人都具有作为绅士的信仰。”这是完全真实的？在他这种新姿态和他对传统信仰发动的攻击的后面，没有其他的什么了吗？莫瑞斯觉得其中有点儿什么。表面上他退却了，却认为自己失掉信仰这个棋子还是很合算的，因为为了得到它，德拉姆袒露了心迹。
这个学期即将结束的时候，他们接触到一个更敏感的问题。他们两个人正在上学监的翻译课，有个学生小声把希腊文口译成英文。康沃利斯先生却用低沉平稳的声调说：“省略。这一段涉及希腊人那难以启齿的罪恶。（译注：指同性爱。）”德拉姆事后说，此人虚伪，应予开除教职。
莫瑞斯笑了。
“我认为这正是纯粹的学术研究的核心问题。希腊人，也就是说，绝大多数希腊人都有那样一种倾向。把它省略了，就等于省略了雅典社会的主流。”
“是这样的吗？”
“你读过《会饮篇》（译注：《会饮篇》是古希腊客观唯心主义哲学家柏拉图（前427一前347）的作品，用对话形式写理想的爱与绝对的美。）吗？”
莫瑞斯没读过。他不曾补充说，自己倒是探索过马提雅尔。
“书里面都是这方面内容——当然不宜给孩子看，可你应该读。这次的假期里就读吧。”
当时没再说下去，然而从此他有权谈另一个问题了，而那个话题是他跟任何人之间都从未涉及过的。他不曾想过竟能谈这种事。当德拉姆在阳光照耀下的院子里谈及此事时，他接触到了一股自由的气息。
收听单词发音 |
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plunging
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| adj.跳进的，突进的v.颠簸( plunge的现在分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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screed
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| n.长篇大论 | |
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bust
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| vt.打破；vi.爆裂；n.半身像；胸部 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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wheedled
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| v.骗取（某物），哄骗（某人干某事）( wheedle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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squires
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| n.地主，乡绅( squire的名词复数 ) | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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squatted
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| v.像动物一样蹲下( squat的过去式和过去分词 )；非法擅自占用（土地或房屋）；为获得其所有权；而占用某片公共用地。 | |
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swirl
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| v.(使)打漩，(使)涡卷；n.漩涡，螺旋形 | |
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clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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joyously
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| ad.快乐地, 高兴地 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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embroil
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| vt.拖累；牵连；使复杂 | |
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coltishness
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| Coltishness | |
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humbug
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| n.花招，谎话，欺骗 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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subscribed
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| v.捐助( subscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；签署，题词；订阅；同意 | |
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stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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tiff
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| n.小争吵，生气 | |
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brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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canny
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| adj.谨慎的，节俭的 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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bluffed
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| 以假象欺骗，吹牛( bluff的过去式和过去分词 )； 以虚张声势找出或达成 | |
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contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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tacking
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| （帆船）抢风行驶，定位焊[铆]紧钉 | |
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sprawled
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| v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的过去式和过去分词)；蔓延；杂乱无序地拓展；四肢伸展坐着（或躺着） | |
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second-hand
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| adj.用过的，旧的，二手的 | |
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confirmation
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| n.证实，确认，批准 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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trumps
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| abbr.trumpets 喇叭；小号；喇叭形状的东西；喇叭筒v.（牌戏）出王牌赢（一牌或一墩）( trump的过去式 )；吹号公告，吹号庆祝；吹喇叭；捏造 | |
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40
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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junctions
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| 联结点( junction的名词复数 )； 会合点； （公路或铁路的）交叉路口； （电缆等的）主结点 | |
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42
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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guardians
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| 监护人( guardian的名词复数 )； 保护者，维护者 | |
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hawking
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| 利用鹰行猎 | |
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nonplussed
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| adj.不知所措的，陷于窘境的v.使迷惑( nonplus的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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chapels
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| n.小教堂， （医院、监狱等的）附属礼拜堂( chapel的名词复数 )；（在小教堂和附属礼拜堂举行的）礼拜仪式 | |
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pawn
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| n.典当，抵押，小人物，走卒；v.典当，抵押 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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