Clive had suffered little from bewilderment as a boy. His sincere mind, with its keen sense of right and wrong, had brought him the belief that he was damned instead. Deeply religious, with a living desire to reach God and to please Him, he found himself crossed at an early age by this other de-sire, obviously from Sodom. He had no doubt as to what it was: his emotion, more compact than Maurice's, was not split into the brutal1 and the ideal, nor did he waste years in bridging the gulf2. He had in him the impulse that destroyed the City of the Plain. It should not ever become carnal, but why had he out of all Christians3 been punished with it?
At first he thought God must be trying him, and if he did not blaspheme would recompense him like Job. He therefore bowed his head, fasted, and kept away from anyone whom he found himself inclined to like. His sixteenth year was ceaseless torture. He told no one, and finally broke down and had to be removed from school. During the convalescence4 he found himself falling in love with a cousin who walked by his bath chair, a young married man. It was hopeless, he was damned.
These terrors had visited Maurice, but dimly: to Clive they were definite, continuous, and not more insistent5 at the Eucharist than elsewhere. He never mistook them, in spite of the rein6 he kept on grossness. He could control the body; it was the tainted7 soul that mocked his prayers.
The boy had always been a scholar, awake to the printed word, and the horrors the Bible had evoked8 for him were to be laid by Plato. Never could he forget his emotion at first reading theFhaedrus. He saw there his malady9 described exquisitely10, calmly, as a passion which we can direct, like any other, towards good or bad. Here was no invitation to licence. He could not believe his good fortune at first—thought there must be some misunder-standing and that he and Plato were thinking of different things. Then he saw that the temperate11 pagan really did comprehend him, and, slipping past the Bible rather than opposing it, was offering a new guide for life. "To make the most of what I have." Not to crush it down, not vainly to wish that it was something else, but to cultivate it in such ways as will not vex12 either God or Man.
He was obliged however to throw over Christianity. Those who base their conduct upon what they are rather than upon what they ought to be, always must throw it over in the end, and besides, between Clive's temperament13 and that religion there is a secular14 feud15. No clear-headed man can combine them. The temperament, to quote the legal formula, is "not to be mentioned among Christians", and a legend tells that all who shared it died on the morning of the Nativity. Clive regretted this. He came of a family of lawyers and squires16, good and able men for the most part, and he did not wish to depart from their tradition. He wished Christianity would compromise with him a little and searched the Scriptures17 for support. There was David and Jona-than; there was even the "disciple18 that Jesus loved." But the Church's interpretation19 was against him; he could not find any rest for his soul in her without crippling it, and withdrew higher into the classics yearly.
By eighteen he was unusually mature, and so well under con-trol that he could allow himself to be friendly with anyone who
attracted him. Harmony had succeeded asceticism20. At Cam-bridge he cultivated tender emotions for other under-graduates, and his life, hitherto gray, became slightly tinged21 with delicate hues22. Cautious and sane23, he advanced, nor was there anything petty in his caution. He was ready to go further should he con-sider it right.
In his second year he met Risley, himself "that way." Clive did not return the confidence which was given rather freely, nor did he like Risley and his set. But he was stimulated24. He was glad to know that there were more of his sort about, and their frank-ness braced25 him into telling his mother about his agnosticism; it was all he could tell her. Mrs Durham, a worldly woman, made little protest. It was at Christmas the trouble came. Being the only gentry26 in the parish, the Durhams communicated sepa-ately, and to have the whole village looking on while she and her daughters knelt without Clive in the middle of that long footstool cut her with shame and stung her into anger. They quarrelled. He saw her for what she really was—withered, un-sympathetic, empty—and in his disillusion27 found himself think-ing vividly28 of Hall.
Hall: he was only one of several men whom he rather liked. True he, also, had a mother and two sisters, but Clive was too level-headed to pretend this was the only bond between them. He must like Hall more than he realized—must be a little in love with him. And as soon as they met he had a rush of emotion that carried him into intimacy29.
The man was bourgeois30, unfinished and stupid—the worst of confidants. Yet he told about his home troubles, touched out of all proportion by his dismissal of Chapman. When Hall started teasing he was charmed. Others held off, regarding him as se-date, and he liked being thrown about by a powerful and hand-some boy. It was delightful31 too when Hall stroked his hair: the
faces of the two people in the room would fade: he leant back till his cheek brushed the flannel32 of the trousers and felt the warmth strike through. He was under no illusion on these oc-casions. He knew what kind of pleasure he was receiving, and received it honestly, certain that it brought no harm to either of them. Hall was a man who only liked women—one could tell that at a glance.
Towards the end of the term he noticed that Hall had ac-quired a peculiar33 and beautiful expression. It came only now and then, was subtle and lay far down; he noticed it first when they were squabbling about theology. It was affectionate, kindly34, and to that extent a natural expression, but there was mixed in it something that he had not observed in the man, a touch of— impudence35? He was not sure, but liked it. It recurred36 when they met suddenly or had been silent. It beckoned37 to him across intel-lect, saying, "This is all very well, you're clever, we know—but come!" It haunted him so that he watched for it while his brain and tongue were busy, and when it came he felt himself replying, "I'll come—I didn't know."
"You can't help yourself now. You must come."
"I don't want to help myself."
"Come then."
He did come. He flung down all the barriers—not at once, for he did not live in a house that can be destroyed in a day. All that term and through letters afterwards he made the path clear. Once certain that Hall loved him, he unloosed his own love. Hitherto it had been dalliance, a passing pleasure for body and mind. How he despised that now. Love was harmonious38, im-mense. He poured into it the dignity as well as the richness of his being, and indeed in that well-tempered soul the two were one. There was nothing humble39 about Clive. He knew his own worth, and, when he had expected to go through life without love, he had blamed circumstances rather than himself. Hall,
though attractive and beautiful, had not condescended40. They would meet on an equality next term.
But books meant so much for him he forgot that they were a bewilderment to others. Had he trusted the body there would have been no disaster, but by linking their love to the past he linked it to the present, and roused in his friend's mind the con-ventions and the fear of the law. He realized nothing of this. What Hall said he must mean. Otherwise why should he say it? Hall loathed42 him—had said so, "Oh, rot"—the words hurt more than any abuse, and rang in his ears for days. Hall was the healthy normal Englishman, who had never had a glimmer43 of what was up.
Great was the pain, great the mortification44, but worse fol-lowed. So deeply had Clive become one with the beloved that he began to loathe41 himself. His whole philosophy of life broke down, and the sense of sin was reborn in its ruins, and crawled along corridors. Hall had said he was a criminal, and must know. He was damned. He dare never be friends with a young man again, for fear of corrupting45 him. Had he not lost Hall his faith in Christianity and attempted his purity besides?
During those three weeks Clive altered immensely, and was beyond the reach of argument when Hall—good, blundering creature—came to his room to comfort him, tried this and that without success, and vanished in a gust46 of temper. "Oh, go to Hell, it's all you're fit for." Never a truer word but hard to accept from the beloved. Clive's defeat increased: his life had been blown to pieces, and he felt no inward strength to rebuild it and clear out evil. His conclusion was "Ridiculous boy! I never loved him. I only had an image I made up in my polluted mind, and may God help me to get rid of it."
But it was this image that visited his sleep, and caused him to whisper its name.
"Maurice..."
"Clive..."
"Hall!" he gasped47, fully48 awake. Warmth was upon him. "Mau-rice, Maurice, Maurice___OhMaurice —"
"I know."
"Maurice, I love you."
"I you."
They kissed, scarcely wishing it. Then Maurice vanished as he had come, through the window.
少年时代，克莱夫很少由于迷惑不解而苦恼。但是，由于他心地真诚，对善与恶的感觉敏锐，以致相信自己是该遭天罚的。他非常虔诚，有着接近神、使神感到满意的强烈愿望。不过，年少时他就领悟到自己因来自所多玛的另一种欲望（译注：据《旧约全书·创世记》第18至19章，所多玛的市民干尽了残酷邪恶的勾当。全城被神毁掉，除了善良的罗得一家人，市民们统统被灭绝。“另一种欲望”指同性爱倾向。）而备受磨难。他丝毫没有怀疑这究竟是什么。他的情感比莫瑞斯的细腻，不曾分裂为肉欲与理想，更没有试图在二者之间的鸿沟上搭桥而荒废光阴。他具有一股内在的冲动，那座悲恸之城就是被它毁掉的。永远不能听任这股冲动变成肉欲，但是在众多的基督教徒当中，为什么偏偏让他受这样的惩罚呢？
起初他以为神准是在考验他。倘若他不亵渎神，就会像约伯那样得到补偿（译注：据《旧约全书·约伯记》，约伯经受了神对他的种种考验，从不怨天尤人。最后，神把他所失去的财富还给了他。）。于是他耷拉着脑袋，过斋戒生活，决不接近任何一个他觉得自己会喜欢的人。十六岁那一年，他不断地受到折磨。他对所有的人都守口如瓶，终于患上神经衰弱，被迫休学。进入康复期后，他坐在轮椅上外出，却发现自己爱上了那个陪他的已婚青年，他的一位亲戚。简直是无可救药，他该遭到天罚。
莫瑞斯也曾体验过这样的恐怖，然而是隐隐约约的。克莱夫所尝到的恐怖却是明确的，持续不断的，举行圣餐仪式的时候最要命。尽管他抑制住自己，不会有粗鲁的言行，他却绝不会看错真相。他能够控制自己的肉体，然而他那具堕落的灵魂却在嘲弄他所做的祷告。
这个少年素喜读书，深受书本的启发。《圣经》在他心中引起的恐怖被柏拉图平息下去了。他永远不会忘记初读《斐德罗斯篇》（译注：《斐德罗斯篇》是柏拉图的对话集，内容主要是美学和神秘主义。他把人分成九等，第一等人是“爱智慧者，爱美者，或诗神和爱神的顶礼者”。第六等人是“诗人或其他从事模仿的艺术家”。）时的兴奋。其中他的病被细腻地、平静地加以描述，是作为跟任何其他的激情一样，既可以引向好的方面，也可以引向坏的方面的激情来描述的。这里没有怂恿人去放纵的记述。起初他不能相信自己的好运气——他以为自己准是误解了，他跟柏拉图所想的是两码事。随后，他知道了这位温和的异教徒确实理解他；并没有跟《圣经》对立，却从旁边溜过去，向他捧出新的人生指南：“尽量发展自己的禀赋。”不是将它压垮，也不是徒然希望它是别样的东西，而是以不会惹恼神或人的方式来培育它。
但是他非放弃基督教不可。凡是我行我素，而不是遵奉既定的行为准则的人，最后都必须放弃它。何况克莱夫的性格倾向与基督教教义在俗世间是势不两立的。任何一个头脑清楚的人都不可能使二者妥协。如果引用法律上的惯用语句，克莱夫这种性格倾向是“在基督教徒当中不可启口的”。神话中说，有这种倾向的人在耶稣诞生的第二天早晨统统死掉了，克莱夫对此感到遗憾。他出身于律师、乡绅门第，家族中大多数人都有教养，有本事。他不愿意偏离这一传统。他渴望基督教稍微对他做出让步，就翻看《圣经》，寻找能够支持自己的词句。有大卫与约拿旦(译注：大卫是扫罗王之子约拿旦的好友，扫罗妒忌大卫，想置之于死地。大卫在约拿旦的协助下逃逸。见《旧约全书·撒母耳记上》第18至20章。)的先例，甚至还有“耶稣所钟爱的门徒”（译注：指约翰《约翰福音》的作者。耶稣看见他的母亲和他所钟爱的门徒站在旁边，就对他母亲说：‘妈妈，瞧，你的儿子。’接着，他又对那个门徒说：‘瞧，你的母亲。’”见《新约全书·约翰福音》第19章第26至27节。）。然而教会的解释与他的不一致。倘若想通过《圣经》使自己的灵魂得到安宁，他就必须曲解这种解释不可。于是他逐年对古典文学越钻越深。
18岁时，他已成熟得不同凡响。他能够充分克制自己，不论他感到谁有吸引力，他都会与之建立友好关系，融洽接替了禁欲。在剑桥，他为其他学友们陶冶了温柔的感情。他的人生迄今是灰色的，眼下稍微带有淡淡的色泽了。他谨慎而稳健地前进，他的谨慎丝毫没有小气的意味。只要他认为是正确的，他就准备再向前迈进。
二年级的时候，他遇见了里斯利。里斯利也有“那种倾向”。里斯利相当坦率地向他吐露了自己的秘密，克莱夫却守口如瓶。而且他不喜欢里斯利及其伙伴们，但是他受到了刺激。他知道了周围还有他这种倾向的人，感到很高兴。他们的直言不讳促使他鼓起勇气，将自己的不可知论告诉了母亲。他只能开诚布公地说这么多。德拉姆太太是个圆滑的女人，没提出什么异议。圣诞节期间惹出了麻烦，作为本教区惟一属于绅士阶级的望族，德拉姆这家人与全村的教徒是分开领圣餐的。在众目睽睽之下，她和两个女儿跪在长长的脚台中央，克莱夫却缺席，这使她恼羞成怒。母子吵架了，她原形毕露——憔悴枯槁，没有同情心，精神空虚。他看到母亲这副样子，感到幻灭。这时候，他发觉自己正在强烈地想着霍尔。
霍尔，那是他相当喜欢的几个人中的一个。真的，霍尔也有一位母亲和两个妹妹。然而克莱夫的头脑十分冷静，不至于假装这是他们之间惟一紧密的关系。他对霍尔的好感一定比自己所领悟到的要深—一想必是有点儿爱上了霍尔。放完了假，他们刚一见面，一阵激情袭上心头，促使他跟霍尔亲密起来。
霍尔没有教养，毛毛糙糙，头脑糊涂——最不宜把这种人当做知己。然而由于他给查普曼下了逐客令，克莱夫感激不已，就把家里的那场纠纷向他和盘托出。当霍尔开始跟他戏弄的时候，他被陶醉了。旁人认为他道貌岸然，对他敬而远之。其实他喜欢让这么个有力气的英俊少年摔着玩儿。被霍尔抚摸头发也很愉快。待在屋子里的他们两个人的脸，轮廓模糊了。克莱夫向后仰，脸颊碰着霍尔的法兰绒裤子，并感到裤子的热气刺穿自己的身子。在这些场合，他没有抱任何幻想，他明白自己获得的是什么样的快乐，于是老老实实地接受了它。他确信双方都没有受到伤害，霍尔这个人只喜欢女子——一眼就看得出这一点。
接近学期末的时候，克莱夫发现霍尔脸上有一种特殊的、美丽的表情。这种表情只是偶然浮现，难于捉摸，转瞬即逝。当他们针对神学问题进行争论的时候，他头一次注意到它。它是亲热、和善的，这还在自然表情的范围内。然而，他觉得霍尔的表情中好像夹杂着过去不曾注意到的一丝蛮横。他拿不准，但喜欢它。当他们二人突然相遇或者沉默半晌之后，霍尔的脸上就会泛出这样的神情。它越过理性，引诱他说：“一切都很好，我们知道你是个聪明人一到我这儿来吧！”这种神情萦回在克莱夫的心头，他一边忙于动脑子，鼓其如簧之舌，一边期待着。它浮现在霍尔的脸上后，他就情不自禁地在心里回答：“我会去的——我原来不知道。”
“你现在已经无法违抗了，你非来不可。”
“我不想违抗。”
“那么，来吧。”
克莱夫来了。他拆掉了所有的屏障，不是一下子就拆尽的。因为他并没有住在能够毁于一旦的家里。整整一个学期，随后又在假期内通过书信，他铺平了道路。及至他确知霍尔爱着他，他就释放出自己那一腔爱情。在这之前，不过是调情，是肉体与精神的一种刹那间的快乐而已。而今，他多么藐视它啊。爱是和谐的，无穷无尽的。他将个人的尊严与宽大的心怀倾注进去。在他那平和的灵魂中，它们是合二为一的。克莱夫丝毫没有自卑感，他孤芳自赏。及至料想自己注定要过一辈子没有爱情的生活时，他责备的与其说是自个儿．毋宁说是环境。霍尔呢，尽管长得一表人才，又富于吸引力，在他面前并没有表现出一副了不起的样子。下学期他们会以平等的地位会面。
然而，对他来说书籍是无比重要的，他竟忘记别人会被书弄得迷惑不解。倘若他侧重肉体，就不会招致任何不幸了。但是他把他们二人的爱跟古代衔接起来，同时又联系到现在。这样一来t就在他的朋友心中唤醒了因循旧习，以及对法律的恐惧。他完全没有理会到这一点。霍尔所说的肯定是由衷之言，否则他为什么要说呢？霍尔厌恶他，而且这么说了：“哦，别胡说！”这比任何谩骂都使他感到痛苦，在他的耳际萦绕了好几天。霍尔是个健康、正常的英国人，对克莱夫的心事浑然不觉。
克莱夫痛苦不已，屈辱至极，但更糟糕的还在后头。由于克莱夫已经与他所挚爱的人深深地融为一体了，他开始厌恶起自己来。他的人生哲学完全崩溃了，从废墟中重新产生的罪恶意识，在瓦砾间乱爬。霍尔曾经说那是犯罪行为，而他是晓得这句话的分量的。克莱夫被弄得身败名裂。他再也不敢跟小伙子交朋友了，生怕会使对方道德败坏。难道他没有让霍尔失掉对基督教的信仰，甚至还试图玷 ，污他的纯洁吗？
三个星期以来，克莱夫发生了极大的变化。当霍尔——善良、愚钝的人儿——到他的房间来安慰他时，他抱着超然的态度。霍尔用尽种种办法也没有用，终于大发雷霆，消失了踪影。“哦，下地狱去吧，那是最适合你的地方。”此话无比真实，然而出自所爱的人之口就难以接受了。克莱夫一而再再而三地败下阵来。他的人生被彻底粉碎，他感到自己没有重建人生并清除邪恶的勇气。他的结论是：“荒谬的男孩！我从来没爱过他。我不过是在被污染了的心灵中塑造了这么个形象。神啊，请帮助我将它驱除掉。”
然而，出现在他睡梦中的正是这个形象，致使他呼唤他的名字。
“莫瑞斯……”
“克莱夫……”
“霍尔！”他透不过气来，完全清醒了。暖烘烘的体温笼罩在他身上。“莫瑞斯，莫瑞斯，莫瑞斯……啊，莫瑞斯……”
“我知道。”
“莫瑞斯，我爱你。”
“我也爱你。”
他们二人不由自主地接吻。随后，莫瑞斯就像进来的时候一样，从窗子跳出去，消失了踪影。
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gulf
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Christians
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convalescence
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insistent
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rein
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tainted
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evoked
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malady
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exquisitely
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temperate
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| adj.温和的，温带的，自我克制的，不过分的 | |
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vex
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| vt.使烦恼，使苦恼 | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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secular
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| n.牧师，凡人；adj.世俗的，现世的，不朽的 | |
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feud
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| n.长期不和；世仇；v.长期争斗；世代结仇 | |
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squires
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| n.地主，乡绅( squire的名词复数 ) | |
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scriptures
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| 经文，圣典( scripture的名词复数 )； 经典 | |
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disciple
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| n.信徒，门徒，追随者 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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asceticism
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| n.禁欲主义 | |
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tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hues
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| 色彩( hue的名词复数 )； 色调； 信仰； 观点 | |
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sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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stimulated
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| a.刺激的 | |
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braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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gentry
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| n.绅士阶级，上层阶级 | |
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disillusion
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| vt.使不再抱幻想，使理想破灭 | |
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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flannel
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| n.法兰绒；法兰绒衣服 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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harmonious
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| adj.和睦的，调和的，和谐的，协调的 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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loathed
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| v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 )；极不喜欢 | |
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glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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corrupting
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的现在分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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