He stopped a week more at Athens, lest by any pos- sibility he was wrong. The change had been so shock-ing that sometimes he thought Maurice was right, and that it was the finish of his illness. It humiliated1 him, for he had under-stood his soul, or, as he said, himself, ever since he was fifteen. But the body is deeper than the soul and its secrets inscrutable. There had been no warning—just a blind alteration2 of the life spirit, just an announcement, "You who loved men, will hence-forward love women. Understand or not, it's the same to me." Whereupon he collapsed3. He tried to clothe the change with reason, and understand it, in order that he might feel less hu-miliated: but it was of the nature of death or birth, and he failed. It came during illness—possibly through illness. During the first attack, when he was severed4 from ordinary life and fever-ish, it seized an opportunity that it would have taken some time or other. He noticed how charming his nurse was and enjoyed obeying her. When he went a drive his eye rested on women. Little details, a hat, the way a skirt is held, scent5, laughter, the delicate walk across mud—blended into a charming whole, and it pleased him to find that the women often answered his eye with equal pleasure. Men had never responded—they did not assume he admired them, and were either unconscious or puz-zled. But women took admiration6 for granted. They might be offended or coy, but they understood, and welcomed him into a
world of delicious interchange. All through the drive Clive was radiant. How happy normal people made their lives! On how little had he existed for twenty-four years! He chatted to his nurse, and felt her his for ever. He noticed the statues, the ad-vertisements, the daily papers. Passing a cinema palace, he went in. The film was unbearable7 artistically8, but the man who made it, the men and the women who looked on—they knew, and he was one of the them.
In no case could the exaltation have lasted. He was like one whose ears have been syringed; for the first few hours he hears super-normal sounds, which vanish when he adjusts himself to the human tradition. He had not gained a sense, but rearranged one, and life would not have appeared as a holiday for long. It saddened at once, for on his return Maurice was waiting for him, and a seizure9 resulted: like a fit, it struck at him from behind the brain. He murmured that he was too tired to talk, and escaped, and Maurice's illness gave him a further reprieve10, during which he persuaded himself that their relations had not altered, and that he might without disloyalty contemplate11 women. He wrote affectionately and accepted the invitation to recruit, without misgivings12.
He said he caught cold in the car; but in his heart he believed that the cause of his relapse was spiritual: to be with Maurice or anyone connected with him was suddenly revolting. The heat at dinner! The voices of the Halls! Their laughter! Maurice's an-ecdote! It mixed with the food—was the food. Unable to dis-tinguish matter from spirit, he fainted.
But when he opened his eyes it was to the knowledge that love had died, so that he wept when his friend kissed him. Each kindness increased his suffering, until he asked the nurse to for-bid Mr Hall to enter the room. Then he recovered and could fly to Penge, where he loved him as much as ever until he turned up.
He noticed the devotion, the heroism13 even, but his friend bored him. He longed for him to go back to town, and actually said so, so near the surface had the rock risen. Maurice shook his head and stopped.
Clive did not give in to the life spirit without a struggle. He believed in the intellect and tried to think himself back into the old state. He averted14 his eyes from women, and when that failed adopted childish and violent expedients15. The one was this visit to Greece, the other—he could not recall it without disgust. Not until all emotion had ebbed16 would it have been possible. He regretted it deeply, for Maurice now inspired him with a physi-cal dislike that made the future more difficult, and he wished to keep friends with his old lover, and to help him through the ap-proaching catastrophe17. It was all so complicated. When love flies it is remembered not as love but as something else. Blessed are the uneducated, who forget it entirely18, and are never con-scious of folly19 or pruriency20 in the past, of long aimless conversa-tions.
他在雅典继续逗留了一个月，因为他生怕自己可能误会了。这种变化使他太震惊了，有时他认为也许莫瑞斯说得对，疾病把他的精力耗尽了。这令他感到屈辱。因为从十五岁起，他就理解自己的灵魂，借用他本人的话：理解自己。然而肉体比灵魂深奥，拥有难以捉摸的秘密。没有任何警告一生命的本质无端地起了变化，仅仅这么通告道：“你原来是个爱男性的人，今后将爱女性。不论你理解与否，对我而言，都是一样的。”于是他的精神崩溃了。他试图给这个变化披上理智的外衣，好去理解它，这样就不至于感到那么丢脸了。但这是属于死亡或诞生范畴的问题，他失败了。
变化是病中发生的——兴许是疾病导致的。他第一次发病期间，脱离了日常生活，发着烧，迟早会发生的那个变化乘虚而人。他注意到护士何等迷人，乐意听从她的吩咐。乘车兜风的时候，他两眼盯着女人们。一些小小的细节——一顶帽子，撩起裙子的手势，香水的气味，嫣然一笑，乖巧地躲闪着泥的碎步——构成了富于魅力的整体。他高兴地发现，女人们往往同样快乐地对他的眼神做出反应。男人们从未做出过反应，他们做梦也想不到他会欣赏他们，要么意识不到他的视线，要么感到困惑。然而女人们认为自己理应受到赞美。她们也许会见怪或忸怩作态，但她们是大度的，并欢迎他进入彼此在精神上美妙地交流的世界。一路上，克莱夫满面春风。正常人过的是多么幸福的人生啊！这二十四年，自己是靠何等少得可怜的一点儿东西活过来的呀！他跟护士聊天，感到她是永远属于他的。他注意到了雕像、广告和日报。经过一家电影院时，他心血来潮，走了进去。就艺术性而言，那影片让人无法忍受，然而制片人与看电影的男男女女却是相识的。克莱夫是他们当中的一员。
这种兴奋绝不能持久。他就像是个把耳朵洗净了的人。起初的几个钟头，他听得见异常的声音，及至使自己适应了普通人的惯例，它就消失了。他并没有获得新观念，不过是把旧的重新调整了一番。生活不会长期像过节似的，很快就黯淡起来。因为他刚一回来，莫瑞斯正等候着他。结果他被吓晕了，脑后遭到袭击，就像是发作似的。他嘟哝着自己太累啦，说不出话来，逃之天天。莫瑞斯的病使他暂时得到解脱。这期间，他说服自己，他们两个人的关系并没有起变化，他可以在仍忠于莫瑞斯的情况下转一些关于女人的念头。他怀着深厚感情给莫瑞斯写了封信，毫无疑虑地接受了前来休养的邀请。
他说自己在车子里受了风寒。但是内心里他确信，旧病复发的原因是精神方面的。与莫瑞斯或跟他有关的任何人待在一起，忽然令他恶心了。吃饭的时候热气腾腾！霍尔一家人的嗓门！她们的笑声！莫瑞斯讲的趣闻！它与食物混杂在一起了——它不折不扣就是食物。他分辨不出什么是物质，什么是精神，就昏过去了。
然而当他睁开眼睛的时候，却知道爱已经死了。因此，他的朋友吻他之际，他哭了。莫瑞斯对他的每一个友好行为都增添他的痛苦，他终于要求护士禁止霍尔先生进科病房。随后，他恢复了健康，得以逃回到彭杰。他觉得自己还像过去一样爱着莫瑞斯，然而莫瑞斯刚一找上门来，这种感觉就化为乌有。他注意到了莫瑞斯的献身精神，乃至英雄气概，但这个朋友使他感到厌烦。他希望莫瑞斯回到伦敦去，并且直接说了，大有一触即发之势。莫瑞斯摇了摇头，继续留在彭杰。
克莱夫并不是没有挣扎就屈服于精神生命所发生的这种变化的。他相信思维能力，试图靠思索使自己回到原先的状态下。他把目光从女人身上移开，一旦失败就采取稚气、激烈的权宜手段。一个是希腊之行，另一个呢——他一回想起来就不能不感到厌恶。除非所有的情感都逐渐消失，否则他是不可能无动于衷的。克莱夫深深地懊悔，如今莫瑞斯使他产生一种生理上的嫌恶，将来面临的困难就更大了。他愿与昔日情人友好相处，在逼近的严重不幸中，自始至终助以一臂之力。一切是如此错综复杂，爱情溜掉后，留在记忆中的就不再是爱情了，而是别的什么。没受过教育的人多么有福啊，因为他们能够把它完全抛在脑后，不记得过去干的荒唐事或好色行为．以及那冗长、不着边际的谈话。
收听单词发音 |
1
humiliated
|
|
| 感到羞愧的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
alteration
|
|
| n.变更，改变；蚀变 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
collapsed
|
|
| adj.倒塌的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
severed
|
|
| v.切断，断绝( sever的过去式和过去分词 )；断，裂 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
scent
|
|
| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
admiration
|
|
| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
unbearable
|
|
| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
artistically
|
|
| adv.艺术性地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
seizure
|
|
| n.没收；占有；抵押 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
reprieve
|
|
| n.暂缓执行（死刑）；v.缓期执行；给…带来缓解 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
contemplate
|
|
| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
misgivings
|
|
| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
heroism
|
|
| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
averted
|
|
| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
expedients
|
|
| n.应急有效的，权宜之计的( expedient的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
ebbed
|
|
| （指潮水）退( ebb的过去式和过去分词 )； 落； 减少； 衰落 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
catastrophe
|
|
| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
entirely
|
|
| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
folly
|
|
| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
pruriency
|
|
| n.好色；迷恋；淫欲；（焦躁等的）渴望 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |