His change, then, cannot be described as a conver-sion. There was nothing edifying1 about it. When he came home and examined the pistol he would never use, he was seized with disgust; when he greeted his mother no unfathom-able love for her welled up. He lived on, miserable2 and mis-understood, as before, and increasingly lonely. One cannot write those words too often: Maurice's loneliness: it increased.
But a change there had been. He set himself to acquire new habits, and in particular those minor3 arts of life that he had neglected when with Clive. Punctuality, courtesy, patriotism4, chivalry5 even—here were a few. He practised a severe self-discipline. It was necessary not only to acquire the art, but to know when to apply it, and gently to modify his behaviour. At first he could do little. He had taken up a line to which his fam-ily and the world were accustomed, and any deviation6 worried them. This came out very strongly in a conversation with Ada.
Ada had become engaged to his old chum Chapman, and his hideous7 rivalry8 with her could end. Even after his grandfather's death he had feared she might marry Clive, and gone hot with jealousy9. Clive would marry someone. But the thought of him with Ada remained maddening, and he could scarcely have be-haved properly unless it had been removed.
The match was excellent, and having approved of it publicly he took her aside, and said, "Ada, I behaved so badly to you,
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dear, after Clive's visit. I want to say so now and ask you to for-give me. It's given a lot of pain since. I'm very sorry."
She looked surprised and not quite pleased; he saw that she still disliked him. She muttered, "That's all over—I love Arthur now."
"I wish I had not gone mad that evening, but I happened to be very much worried about something. Clive never said what I let you think he said either. He never blamed you."
"I don't care whether he did. It doesn't signify."
Her brother's apologies were so rare that she seized the op-portunity to trample10 on him. "When did you last see him?"— Kitty had suggested they had quarrelled.
"Not for some time."
"Those weekends and Wednesdays seem to have quite stopped."
"I wish you happiness. Old Chappie's a good fellow. For two people who are in love to marry strikes me as very jolly."
"It's very kind of you to wish me happiness, Maurice, I'm sure. I hope I shall have it whether I am wished it or not." (This was described to Chapman afterwards as a "repartee11.") "I'm sure I wish you the same sort of thing you've been wishing me all along equally." Her face reddened. She had suffered a good deal, and was by no means indifferent to Clive, whose withdrawal12 had hurt her.
Maurice guessed as much and looked gloomily at her. Then he changed the subject, and, being without memory, she recov-ered her temper. But she could not forgive her brother: indeed it was not right that one of her temperament13 should, since he had insulted her centrally, and marred14 the dawning of a love.
Similar difficulties arose with Kitty. She also was on his con-science, but was displeased15 when he made amends16. He offered to pay her fees at the Domestic Institute whereon her soul had
been so long set, and, though she accepted, it was ungraciously, and with the remark, "I expect I'm too old now to properly learn anything." She and Ada incited17 each other to thwart18 him in little things. Mrs Hall was shocked at first and rebuked19 them, but finding her son too indifferent to protect himself, she grew indifferent too. She was fond of him, but would not fight for him any more than she would fight against him when he was rude to the Dean. And so it happened that he was considered less in the house, and during the winter rather lost the position he had won at Cambridge. It began to be "Oh, Maurice won't mind—he can walk—sleep on the camp bed—smoke without a fire." He raised no objection—this was the sort of thing he now lived for—but he noted20 the subtle change and how it coin-cided with the coming of loneliness.
The world was likewise puzzled. He joined the Territorials— hitherto he had held off on the ground that the country can only be saved by conscription. He supported the social work even of the Church. He gave up Saturday golf in order to play foot-ball with the youths of the College Setdement in South London, and his Wednesday evenings in order to teach arithmetic and boxing to them. The railway carriage felt a little suspicious. Hall had turned serious, what! He cut down his expenses that he might subscribe21 more largely to charities—to preventive chari-ties: he would not give a halfpenny to rescue work. What with all this and what with his stockbroking22, he managed to keep on the go.
Yet he was doing a fine thing—proving on how little the soul can exist. Fed neither by Heaven nor by Earth he was going forward, a lamp that would have blown out, were materialism23 true. He hadn't a God, he hadn't a lover—the two usual incen-tives to virtue24. But on he struggled with his back to ease, be-cause dignity demanded it. There was no one to watch him,
nor did he watch himself, but struggles like his are the su-preme achievements of humanity, and surpass any legends about Heaven.
No reward awaited him. This work, like much that had gone before, was to fall ruining. But he did not fall with it, and the muscles it had developed remained for another use.
因此，莫瑞斯所起的变化说不上是皈依，其间丝毫没有启迪性的东西。当他回到家，检查那永远也不会使用的手枪时，突然感到憎恶。当他向母亲致意的时候，心里并没有涌出对她的无比深情的爱。他像以前那样活得凄凄惨惨，受到误解，越来越寂寞。人是不可能把心中的寂寥说尽的。莫瑞斯的孤寂与日俱增。
然而，他确实变了。他决心努力养成新习惯，尤其是与克莱夫在一起时曾忽视的生活小技巧。诸如严守时间、爱国心，甚至骑士精神等，他自律甚严。掌握技巧固然重要，还得领会什么时候运用，而且委婉地改变自己的举止。起初他所能做的不多。他从不至于引起自己的家族与世人的好奇心这方面着手，任何越轨行为都会使他们焦虑。他与艾达的一次谈话，产出了强烈的不谐和音。
艾达跟他多年的密友查普曼订婚了，他与她作为情敌的丑恶的对抗情绪就可以了结了。在外祖父逝世之后，他仍旧惧怕她会嫁给克莱夫，忌妒得心里火辣辣的。克莱夫会跟某一个人结婚，但是一想到他竟和艾达结婚，依然使他发狂。除非妒火熄灭了，他简直不可能正当地行事。
她和查普曼般配极了。莫瑞斯当众十分赞许，然后把她叫到一边去说：“艾达，亲爱的，克莱夫到咱们家来过之后，我对你很不好。现在我向你道歉，请你宽恕我。从那个时候起，这事造成了很大的痛苦。我感到非常对不起。”
她看上去吃了一惊，神情并不愉快。他明白她至今讨厌他。她悄声说：“这一切都过去了——现在我爱亚瑟。”
“那天晚上我不该发脾气。我刚好为一件事非常不安。克莱夫从来也没说过那些话，是我让你觉得他说了的。他从来也没责备过你。”
“我不在乎他是否说过，这根本不重要。”
她哥哥是轻易不道歉的，因而她抓住机会让他下不了台。“你是什么时候最后一次见到他的？”——吉蒂曾暗示，哥哥与克莱夫吵架了。
“有一段时间了。”
“你们那些周末和星期三，好像完全断绝了。”
“我祝愿你幸福，老查皮（译注：查皮是查普曼的昵称。）是个好人。我突然想到，两个相爱的人结婚，是件令人非常愉快的事。”
“莫瑞斯，我真的感谢你祝愿我幸福。不论你祝愿与否，我希望自己会获得幸福。”（事后，艾达把自己对哥哥的这番“巧妙的回答”叙述给查普曼听了。）“我真的祝愿你获得同样的幸福，就像你始终祝愿我那样。”她的面颊泛红了。她吃够了苦头，她对克莱夫不是漠不关心，他的退出伤了她的感情。
莫瑞斯对此有所揣测，忧郁地瞧着她，换了一个话题。她是个没有记性的人，心情又好起来了。但是她不能饶恕哥哥，既然他深深地侮辱了她，并且破坏了刚刚萌芽的爱情，像她这种性格的女人确实不该饶恕他。
他跟吉蒂之间也同样困难重重。他对她也感到内疚，但是当他赔不是的时候，她却怫然不悦。他表示愿意为她交向往已久的家政学校的学费。她尽管接受了，态度却并不亲切，还说了这么一句：“我认为现在自己的岁数已经太大了，不可能正正经经地学什么东西了。”她和艾达竞相在一些小事情上与哥哥作对。起初霍尔太太感到吃惊，责备了她们。不过，她发现自己的儿子对于自卫太不关心了，于是她也变得漠不关心。她喜欢儿子，然而正如他对学监粗鲁的那次她不曾跟他对抗，现在她也无意为了他的缘故而跟旁人对抗。这样一来他在家里就威信扫地了。进入冬季，他将自己在剑桥时代所赢得的地位丧失殆尽。是这样开始的：“哦，莫瑞斯才不介意呢——他可以走着去——睡在帆布床上——在没有生火的屋子里抽烟。”他不曾表示异议——如今，这就是他的人生——然而他注意到了那微妙的变化，以及寂寞怎样伴随而来。
世人也同样感到莫名其妙。他参加了国防义勇军（译注：英国国防义勇军的简称，是防卫本土的地方性组织），迄今他借口只有征兵制度才能拯救祖国，拖延着没去人队。他甚至支持起教会的社会事业来了。他放弃了星期六的高尔夫球，以便跟伦敦南区学院社区的青少年玩足球。每逢星期三晚上，还教他们算术和拳击。乘火车去卜．班的同事们有点儿怀疑：什么，霍尔变得一本正经了？他节省开销，这样能多捐些钱给慈善事业。他资助那些能够自救者，却连半个便士也不肯用来济贫。由于参加这些活动，并从事证券经济业务，他总算使自己忙碌不堪。
不过，他做的是一件好事——他正在证实灵魂可以存在于微小的东西上面。既无上帝的保佑，也没有来自大地的帮助，他向前迈进。倘若唯物论有道理的话，他好比是一吹就灭的油灯。他没有神，他没有情人——这二者通常能诱使人们培育美德。然而他背对着安逸，挣扎下去，因为尊严要求他这么做。没有一个人留心观察他，就连他自己也不曾观察自己。但是他所做的这一切苦斗，是人类最高的成就，超过了有关天国的任何传说。
他拿不到任何报酬，犹如过去消逝了的许许多多工作一样，这项工作也注定前途尽毁。然而他没有随着倒下，通过苦斗，练就了体力，可以派上其他用处。
收听单词发音 |
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edifying
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| adj.有教训意味的，教训性的，有益的v.开导，启发( edify的现在分词 ) | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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patriotism
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| n.爱国精神，爱国心，爱国主义 | |
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chivalry
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| n.骑士气概，侠义；（男人）对女人彬彬有礼，献殷勤 | |
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deviation
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| n.背离，偏离；偏差，偏向；离题 | |
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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rivalry
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| n.竞争，竞赛，对抗 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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trample
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| vt.踩，践踏；无视，伤害，侵犯 | |
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11
repartee
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| n.机敏的应答 | |
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12
withdrawal
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| n.取回，提款；撤退，撤军；收回，撤销 | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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marred
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| adj. 被损毁, 污损的 | |
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displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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amends
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| n. 赔偿 | |
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incited
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| 刺激，激励，煽动( incite的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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thwart
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| v.阻挠，妨碍，反对；adj.横(断的) | |
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rebuked
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| 责难或指责( rebuke的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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subscribe
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| vi.(to)订阅，订购；同意；vt.捐助，赞助 | |
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22
stockbroking
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| n.炒股 | |
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23
materialism
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| n.［哲］唯物主义，唯物论；物质至上 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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