Part 1 Chapter 16

I NEVER FOUND out what Hanna did when she wasn’t working and we weren’t together. When I asked, she turned away my questions. We did not have a world that we shared; she gave me the space in her life that she wanted me to have. I had to be content with that. Wanting more, even wanting to know more, was presumption¹ on my part. If we were particularly happy with each other and I asked her something because at that moment it felt as if everything was possible and allowed, then she sometimes ducked my questions, instead of refusing outright² to answer them. “The things you ask, kid!” Or she would take my hand and lay it on her stomach. “Are you trying to make holes in me?” Or she would count on her fingers. “Laundry, ironing, sweeping³, dusting, shopping, cooking, shake plums out of tree, pick up plums, bring plums home and cook them quick before the little one”—and here she would take hold of the fifth finger of her left hand between her right thumb and forefinger—“eats them all himself.”

I never met her unexpectedly on the street or in a store or a movie theater, although she told me she loved going to the movies, and in our first months together I always wanted to go with her, but she wouldn’t let me. Sometimes we talked about films we had both seen. She went no matter what was showing, and saw everything, from German war and folk movies to Westerns and New Wave films, and I liked what came out of Hollywood, whether it was set in ancient Rome or the Wild West. There was one Western in particular that we both loved: the one with Richard Widmark playing a sheriff who has to fight a duel⁴ next morning that he’s bound to lose, and in the evening he knocks on Dorothy Malone’s door—she’s been trying, but failing, to get him to make a break for it. She opens up. “What do you want now? Your whole life in one night?” Sometimes Hanna teased me when I came to her full of desire, with “What do you want now? Your whole life in one hour?”

Only once did I ever see Hanna by chance. It was the end of July or the beginning of August, in the last few days before summer vacation.

Hanna had been behaving oddly for days, moody⁵ and peremptory⁶, and at the same time palpably under some kind of pressure that was absolutely tormenting⁷ her and left her acutely sensitive and vulnerable. She pulled herself together and held herself tight as if to stop herself from exploding. When I asked what was upsetting her so, she snapped at me. That was hard for me to take. I felt rejected, but I also felt her helplessness, and I tried to be there for her and at the same time to leave her in peace. One day the pressure was gone. At first I thought Hanna was her usual self again. We had not started a new book after the end of War and Peace, but I had promised I’d see to it, and had brought several books to choose from.

But she didn’t want that. “Let me bathe you, kid.”

It wasn’t summer’s humidity that had settled on me like a heavy net when I came into the kitchen. Hanna had turned on the boiler⁸ for the bathwater. She filled the tub, put in a few drops of lavender oil, and washed me. She wore her pale blue flowered smock with no underwear underneath⁹; the smock stuck to her sweating body in the hot, damp air. She excited me very much. When we made love, I sensed that she wanted to push me to the point of feeling things I had never felt before, to the point where I could no longer stand it. She also gave herself in a way she had never done before. She didn’t abandon all reserve, she never did that. But it was as if she wanted us to drown together.

“Now go to your friends.” She dismissed me, and I went. The heat stood solidly between the buildings, lay over the fields and gardens, and shimmered¹⁰ above the asphalt. I was numb¹¹. At the swimming pool the shrieks¹² of playing, splashing children reached me as if from far, far away. I moved through the world as if it had nothing to do with me nor I with it. I dived into the milky¹³ chlorinated water and felt no compulsion to surface again. I lay near the others, listening to them, and found what they said silly and pointless.

Eventually the feeling passed. Eventually it turned into an ordinary afternoon at the swimming pool with homework and volleyball and gossip and flirting¹⁴. I can’t remember what it was I was doing when I looked up and saw her.

She was standing¹⁵ twenty or thirty meters away, in shorts and an open blouse knotted at the waist, looking at me. I looked back at her. She was too far away for me to read her expression. I didn’t jump to my feet and run to her. Questions raced through my head: Why was she at the pool, did she want to be seen with me, did I want to be seen with her, why had we never met each other by accident, what should I do? Then I stood up. And in that briefest of moments in which I took my eyes off her, she was gone.

Hanna in shorts, with the tails of her blouse knotted, her face turned towards me but with an expression I cannot read at all—that is another picture I have of her.

　　我一直都不知道汉娜不上班而我们又不在一起时她做什么。问起她这个问题，她就驳回我。我们没有共同的生活世界，她在她的生活中给我留有了她想给予我的一席之地，对此我该满足了。如果我想知道更多一点，不过是更多一点，那就是胆大妄为了。如果我们在一起感到特别地心满意足时，我有一种感觉，现在什么都可以问也允许问，可随之却出现了这样的情况：她不拒绝回答我的问题却绕开我的问题。"你怎么什么都想知道，小家伙！"或者她把我的手放在她的肚子上："你想让它被打出洞来吗？"或者她掰着手指数："我要洗衣服，熨衣服，打扫卫生，买菜做饭，要把李子从树上摇晃下来，还要把它们抬起来运回屋里，尽快把它们做成果酱，否则的话，这个小东西就吃了。"她把左手的小拇指放到右手的大拇指和食指间，"否则的话，它一个人就给吃光了。"

　　我也从来没有与她不期而遇过，在街上，或者在商店里，在电影院，在一些如她所说的经常喜欢去的地方，或在最初的几个月里我总想和她一起去而她不愿意去的地方。有时我们谈论我俩都看过的影片。她毫无选择地看所有的影片，从德国的战争片到家乡片，从西部片到新浪潮派。我喜欢看好莱坞影片，不论是描写古罗马的还是西部片都喜欢。有一部西部片我们两人都特别喜欢，里查德·魏德马克扮演一名司法官，他第二天早上必须要和人决斗而且注定要战败。晚上，他来到多梦西·马隆的门前，她徒劳地劝其逃离。她把if打开："你现在要做什么？你为了一个晚上不要命了吗？"当我满怀急切的渴望去汉娜那儿时，她有时戏弄地对我说："你现在要做什么？为了一个小时你不要命了吗？"

　　我仅有一次与汉娜不期而遇。那是七月底或八月初，放暑假的前一天。

　　有好几天，汉娜的情绪都极不寻常，她任性粗暴同时明显地处于一种使其极端痛苦、敏感和脆弱的压力之下。她在极力控制自己，好像要避免在压力下彻底崩溃。我问她是什么事情使她如此痛苦，她对此的反应是没好气地对待我。我不知如何是好，无论如何我不仅感觉到她对我的训斥而且也感觉到了她的无助。我尽量去陪伴她同时又尽量少打扰她。有一天，这种压力不见了。于是，我想汉娜又和从前一样了。我们朗读完《战争与和平》之后没有马上开始朗读另一本书，我已答应这事由我来管，并带了很多书来挑选。

　　但是她不想挑，"让我来给你洗澡，小家伙。"

　　走进厨房里，我感到身上像加了一层厚布一样的闷热，但是，那不是夏日里的闷热。汉娜打开了热水炉，她让热水淌着，在里面加了几滴洗澡的香料之后给我洗澡。在那件浅蓝色的花罩裙下，她没有穿内裤。那件罩裙在潮湿的空气中贴在了汗淋淋的身上。她把我撩逗得兴奋不已。当我们做爱时，我感到她要让我体验到到目前为止所有的感受，直到我不能承受为止。她对我还从来没那么倾心过，但又不是绝对倾心，她对我从来没有绝对倾心过。但是，那情景就好像她要和我一起溺死一样。

　　"现在去你的朋友们那儿吧！"她和我告别之后，我就走了。房屋之间、田园之上都笼罩着炎热，柏油马路被晒得闪闪发光。我昏昏沉沉地去了游泳池，那里，孩子们玩耍的喊叫声、戏水的劈劈啪啪声传到了我耳中，好像来自很遥远的地方。总而言之，我好像在穿过一个不属于我的，我也不属于它的世界。我潜入了乳白色的放有氯气的水中不想再出来。我躺在其他人旁边，听着他们在谈论什么可笑的和不足挂齿的事情。

　　不知什么时候这种气氛消失了，不知什么时候，游泳池里又变得和往常一样：做作业，打排球，聊天，调情。我已记不得了，当我抬头看到她的时候我正在做什么。

　　她站在离我二十到三十米远的地方，穿着一条短裤，一件开襟的衬衫，腰间系着带子，正向我这边张望。我向她回望过去，离得太远，我看不清她的面部表情。我没有跳起来向她跑过去，我脑子里在想，她为什么在游泳池里？她是否愿意被我看见？她是否愿意我们被别人看到？我是否愿意我们被别人看到？因为我们还从未不期而遇过，我该如何是好？随后，我站了起来，就在我没有注视她的这一眨眼的工夫里，她离开了。

　　汉娜穿着短裤，一件开襟衬衫，腰间系着带子，带着我看不清的面部表情向我张望着。这也是汉娜留在我脑中的一个形象。

1 presumption   

n.推测，可能性，冒昧，放肆，[法律]推定

参考例句：

• Please pardon my presumption in writing to you.请原谅我很冒昧地写信给你。
• I don't think that's a false presumption.我认为那并不是错误的推测。

2 outright   

adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的

参考例句：

• If you have a complaint you should tell me outright.如果你有不满意的事，你应该直率地对我说。
• You should persuade her to marry you outright.你应该彻底劝服她嫁给你。

3 sweeping   

adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的

参考例句：

• The citizens voted for sweeping reforms.公民投票支持全面的改革。
• Can you hear the wind sweeping through the branches?你能听到风掠过树枝的声音吗？

4 duel   

n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争

参考例句：

• The two teams are locked in a duel for first place.两个队为争夺第一名打得难解难分。
• Duroy was forced to challenge his disparager to duel.杜洛瓦不得不向诋毁他的人提出决斗。

5 moody   

adj.心情不稳的，易怒的，喜怒无常的

参考例句：

• He relapsed into a moody silence.他又重新陷于忧郁的沉默中。
• I'd never marry that girl.She's so moody.我决不会和那女孩结婚的。她太易怒了。

6 peremptory   

adj.紧急的，专横的，断然的

参考例句：

• The officer issued peremptory commands.军官发出了不容许辩驳的命令。
• There was a peremptory note in his voice.他说话的声音里有一种不容置辩的口气。

7 tormenting   

使痛苦的，使苦恼的

参考例句：

• He took too much pleasure in tormenting an ugly monster called Caliban. 他喜欢一味捉弄一个名叫凯列班的丑妖怪。
• The children were scolded for tormenting animals. 孩子们因折磨动物而受到责骂。

8 boiler   

n.锅炉；煮器(壶，锅等)

参考例句：

• That boiler will not hold up under pressure.那种锅炉受不住压力。
• This new boiler generates more heat than the old one.这个新锅炉产生的热量比旧锅炉多。

9 underneath   

adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面

参考例句：

• Working underneath the car is always a messy job.在汽车底下工作是件脏活。
• She wore a coat with a dress underneath.她穿着一件大衣，里面套着一条连衣裙。

10 shimmered   

v.闪闪发光，发微光( shimmer的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• The sea shimmered in the sunlight. 阳光下海水闪烁着微光。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• A heat haze shimmered above the fields. 田野上方微微闪烁着一层热气。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 numb   

adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木

参考例句：

• His fingers were numb with cold.他的手冻得发麻。
• Numb with cold,we urged the weary horses forward.我们冻得发僵，催着疲惫的马继续往前走。

12 shrieks   

n.尖叫声( shriek的名词复数 )v.尖叫( shriek的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• shrieks of fiendish laughter 恶魔般的尖笑声
• For years, from newspapers, broadcasts, the stages and at meetings, we had heard nothing but grandiloquent rhetoric delivered with shouts and shrieks that deafened the ears. 多少年来， 报纸上， 广播里， 舞台上， 会场上的声嘶力竭，装腔做态的高调搞得我们震耳欲聋。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

13 milky   

adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的

参考例句：

• Alexander always has milky coffee at lunchtime.亚历山大总是在午餐时喝掺奶的咖啡。
• I like a hot milky drink at bedtime.我喜欢睡前喝杯热奶饮料。

14 flirting   

v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Don't take her too seriously; she's only flirting with you. 别把她太当真，她只不过是在和你调情罢了。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• 'she's always flirting with that new fellow Tseng!" “她还同新来厂里那个姓曾的吊膀子！ 来自子夜部分

15 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。