Part 1 Chapter 15

T HEN I began to betray her.

Not that I gave away any secrets or exposed Hanna. I didn’t reveal anything that I should have kept to myself. I kept something to myself that I should have revealed. I didn’t acknowledge her. I know that disavowal is an unusual form of betrayal. From the outside it is impossible to tell if you are disowning someone or simply exercising discretion¹, being considerate, avoiding embarrassments² and sources of irritation³. But you, who are doing the disowning, you know what you’re doing. And disavowal pulls the underpinnings away from a relationship just as surely as other more flamboyant⁴ types of betrayal.

I no longer remember when I first denied Hanna. Friendships coalesced⁵ out of the casual ease of those summer afternoons at the swimming pool. Aside from the boy who sat next to me in school, whom I knew from the old class, the person I liked especially in the new class was Holger Schlüter, who like me was interested in history and literature, and with whom I quickly felt at ease. He also got along with Sophie, who lived a few blocks behind our house, which meant that we went to and from the swimming pool together. At first I told myself that I wasn’t yet close enough to my friends to tell them about Hanna. Then I didn’t find the right opportunity, the right moment, the right words. And finally it was too late to tell them about Hanna, to present her along with all my other youthful secrets. I told myself that talking about her so belatedly would misrepresent things, make it seem as if I had kept silent about Hanna for so long because our relationship wasn’t right and I felt guilty about it. But no matter what I pretended to myself, I knew that I was betraying Hanna when I acted as if I was letting my friends in on everything important in my life but said nothing about Hanna.

The fact that they knew I wasn’t being completely open only made things worse. One evening Sophie and I got caught in a thunderstorm on our way home and took shelter under the overhang of a garden shed in Neuenheimer Feld, which had no university buildings on it then, just fields and gardens. It thundered, the lightning crackled, the wind came in gusts⁶, and rain fell in big heavy drops. At the same time the temperature dropped a good ten degrees. We were freezing, and I put my arm around her.

“You know . . .” She wasn’t looking at me, but out at the rain.

“What?”

“You were sick with hepatitis for a long time. Is that what’s on your mind? Are you afraid you won’t really get well again? Did the doctors say something? And do you have to go to the clinic every day to get tests or transfusions⁷?”

Hanna as illness. I was ashamed. But I really couldn’t start talking about Hanna at this point. “No, Sophie, I’m not sick anymore. My liver is normal, and in a year I’ll even be able to drink alcohol if I want, but I don’t. What’s . . .” Talking about Hanna, I didn’t want to say “what’s bothering me.” “There’s another reason I arrive later or leave earlier.”

“Do you not want to talk about it, or is it that you want to but you don’t know how?”

Did I not want to, or didn’t I know how? I didn’t know the answer. But as we stood there under the lightning, with the explosions of thunder rumbling⁸ almost overhead and the pounding of the rain, both freezing, warming each other a little, I had the feeling that I had to tell her, of all people, about Hanna. “Maybe I can tell you some other time.”

But there never was another time.

　　后来我开始背叛她。

　　不是我泄露了我们之间的秘密或者出汉娜的丑。我不该讲的，什么都没有讲，该讲的我也什么都没讲。我没有透露我和她的关系。我知道否认是不明显的、变相的背叛。一个人是否能保守秘密或者是否不承认一件事，是否替他人着想，是否能避免尴尬和令人生气的场面，从外表上是看不出来的。但是，这个隐瞒心事而不宜的人对此是一清二楚。否认——变相的背叛，会使我们的关系失去基础。

　　我已不记得了，我第一次否认汉娜是什么时候。夏日的午后，游泳池把我们同学之间的关系发展为朋友的关系。在新班上，除了我的邻桌以外——他是我原来班上的同学，我尤其喜欢像我一样喜爱历史和文学的霍尔格·施吕特，我们很快就成为知己。他不久也和索菲成了好朋友。索菲住得离我家不远，这样我和她去游泳池同路。起初，我心想，我和朋友之间的信任程度还不足以使我向他们敞开心扉讲述我和汉娜的关系，后来，我又没有找到合适的机会和恰如其分的言辞。再往后，当别人都讲述年轻人的秘密时，我再讲述汉娜就太迟了。我想，这么晚了才讲述汉娜一定会给人造成一种错误的印象。我沉默了这么长时间是因为我们的关系在其他人看来不正常而且我感到内疚，可是我知道我只字没提汉娜是对她的背叛，我这样做似乎是想让朋友们知道什么是我生活中重要的事情，实际上也是在自欺欺人。

　　尽管他们注意到我不是很坦率，但这并未改变我的缄口。有一天晚上，我和索菲在回家的路上遇上了一场大雷雨。我们躲到了新家园，在一座园圃的门檐下避雨。当时那里还尚未建大学楼，只是田园。当时，电闪雷鸣，风雨交加，下着豆大的雨点，与此同时，气温骤然降了五度左右。我们冷得要命，我一手搂着她。

　　"喂？"她并不看着我而是望着外面的雨对我说。

　　"什么？"

　　"你病了很久吧，是黄胆病。这就是你在忙碌的事情吗？你害怕再也恢复不了健康吗？医生们是怎么说的呢？你必须每天去医院换血或者输液吗？"

　　把汉娜当做病，我感到可耻。可是要谈起汉娜我又实在无法启齿。"不，索菲，我的病已经好了，我的肝胆也正常，如果我愿意，一年后我甚至可以喝酒，但我不想喝。我要……"汉娜使我忙忙碌碌，但我不想提汉娜。"我为什么晚来或早走是因为其他事情。"

　　"你不想就此谈一谈吗？或者你实际上想谈却又不知道如何谈？"

　　我不想谈，还是不知道怎样谈？这个连我自己也说不清楚，但是，当我俩站在电闪雷鸣、劈啪作响的雨中时，在都冻得发抖又相互可以取点暖的时候，我有一种感觉，那就是我对她，也只有对她才能提到汉娜。"也许下一次我能讲吧。"

　　但是，再也没有这样的下一次了。

1 discretion   

n.谨慎；随意处理

参考例句：

• You must show discretion in choosing your friend.你择友时必须慎重。
• Please use your best discretion to handle the matter.请慎重处理此事。

2 embarrassments   

n.尴尬( embarrassment的名词复数 )；难堪；局促不安；令人难堪或耻辱的事

参考例句：

• But there have been many embarrassments along the way. 但是一路走来已经是窘境不断。 来自互联网
• The embarrassments don't stop there. 让人难受的事情还没完。 来自互联网

3 irritation   

n.激怒，恼怒，生气

参考例句：

• He could not hide his irritation that he had not been invited.他无法掩饰因未被邀请而生的气恼。
• Barbicane said nothing,but his silence covered serious irritation.巴比康什么也不说，但是他的沉默里潜伏着阴郁的怒火。

4 flamboyant   

adj.火焰般的，华丽的，炫耀的

参考例句：

• His clothes were rather flamboyant for such a serious occasion.他的衣着在这种严肃场合太浮夸了。
• The King's flamboyant lifestyle is well known.国王的奢华生活方式是人尽皆知的。

5 coalesced   

v.联合，合并( coalesce的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• The puddles had coalesced into a small stream. 地面上水洼子里的水汇流成了一条小溪。
• The views of party leaders coalesced to form a coherent policy. 党的领导人的各种观点已统一为一致的政策。 来自辞典例句

6 gusts   

一阵强风( gust的名词复数 )； （怒、笑等的）爆发； （感情的）迸发； 发作

参考例句：

• Her profuse skirt bosomed out with the gusts. 她的宽大的裙子被风吹得鼓鼓的。
• Turbulence is defined as a series of irregular gusts. 紊流定义为一组无规则的突风。

7 transfusions   

n.输血( transfusion的名词复数 )；输液；倾注；渗透

参考例句：

• Still, transfusions have apparently never spread the disease, even among hemophiliacs. 还有，输血很明显从未传播过这种病，即使在血友病人之间也是如此。 来自英汉非文学 - 生命科学 - 口蹄疫疯牛病
• Blood transfusions are a special, limited example of tissue transplantation. 输血是一个特殊的、有限制的组织移植的例子。 来自辞典例句

8 rumbling   

n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词

参考例句：

• The earthquake began with a deep [low] rumbling sound. 地震开始时发出低沉的隆隆声。
• The crane made rumbling sound. 吊车发出隆隆的响声。