There isn’t really very much to say after that. I mean, things came to a cli-max there. One forgets, I suppose, that there can’t be anything better tofollow—that you’ve had it all. I just sat there for a long time. I don’t knowwhen They came. I don’t know whether They all came at once… Theycouldn’t have been there all along because they wouldn’t have let me killGreta. I noticed that God was there first. I don’t mean God, I’m confused, Imean Major Phillpot. I’d liked him always, he’d been nice to me. He wasrather like God in some ways, I think. I mean if God had been a human be-ing and not something supernatural—up in the sky somewhere. He was avery fair man, very fair and kind. He looked after things and people. Triedto do his best for people.
I don’t know how much he’d known about me. I remembered the curi-ous way he looked at me that morning in the sale room when he said thatI was “fey.” I wonder why he thought I happened to be fey that day.
Then when we were there with that little crumpled1 heap on the groundthat was Ellie in her riding habit…I wonder if he knew then or had someidea that I’d had something to do with it.
After Greta’s death, as I say I just sat there in my chair, staring down atmy champagne2 glass. It was empty. Everything was very empty, veryempty indeed. There was just one light that we’d switched on, Greta and I,but it was in the corner. It didn’t give much light and the sun—I think thesun must have set a long time ago. I just sat there and wondered what wasgoing to happen next with a sort of dull wonder.
Then, I suppose, the people began coming. Perhaps a lot of people cameat once. They came very quietly, if so, or else I wasn’t hearing or noticinganybody.
Perhaps if Santonix had been there he would have told me what to do.
Santonix was dead. He’d gone a different way to my way, so he wouldn’tbe any help. Nobody really would be any help.
After a bit I noticed Dr. Shaw. He was so quiet I hardly knew he wasthere at first. He was sitting quite near me, just waiting for something.
After a while I thought he was waiting for me to speak. I said to him:
“I’ve come home.”
There were one or two other people moving somewhere behind him.
They seemed to be waiting, to be waiting for something that he was goingto do.
“Greta’s dead,” I said. “I killed her. I expect you’d better take the bodyaway, hadn’t you?”
Somebody somewhere let off a flash bulb. It must have been a policephotographer photographing the body. Dr. Shaw turned his head and saidsharply:
“Not yet.”
He turned his head round back to me again. I leaned towards him andsaid:
“I saw Ellie tonight.”
“Did you? Where?”
“Outside standing3 under a fir tree. It was the place I first saw her, youknow.” I paused a moment and then said, “She didn’t see me…She couldn’tsee me because I wasn’t there.” And after a while I said, “That upset me. Itupset me very much.”
Dr. Shaw said, “It was in the capsule, wasn’t it? Cyanide in the capsule?
That’s what you gave Ellie that morning?”
“It was for her hay fever,” I said, “she always took a capsule as a pre-ventative against her allergy4 when she went riding. Greta and I fixed5 upone or two of the capsules with wasp6 stuff from the garden shed andjoined them together again. We did it up in the Folly7. Smart, wasn’t it?”
And I laughed. It was an odd sort of laugh, I heard it myself. It was morelike a queer8 little giggle9. I said, “You’d examined all the things she took,hadn’t you, when you came to see her ankle? Sleeping pills, the allergycapsules, and they were all quite all right, weren’t they? No harm in any ofthem.”
“No harm,” said Dr. Shaw. “They were quite innocent.”
“That was rather clever really, wasn’t it?” I said.
“You’ve been quite clever, yes, but not clever enough.”
“All the same I don’t see how you found out.”
“We found out when there was a second death, the death you didn’tmean to happen.”
“Claudia Hardcastle?”
“Yes. She died the same way as Ellie. She fell from her horse in the hunt-ing field. Claudia was a healthy girl too, but she just fell from her horseand died. The time wasn’t so long there, you see. They picked her up al-most at once and there was still the smell of cyanide to go by. If she’d lainin the open air like Ellie for a couple of hours, there’d have been nothing—nothing to smell, nothing to find. I don’t see how Claudia got the capsule,though. Unless you’d left one behind in the Folly. Claudia used to go to theFolly sometimes. Her fingerprints10 were there and she dropped a lighterthere.”
“We must have been careless. Filling them was rather tricky11.”
Then I said:
“You suspected I had something to do with Ellie’s death, didn’t you? Allof you?” I looked round at the shadowy figures. “Perhaps all of you.”
“Very often one knows. But I wasn’t sure whether we’d be able to doanything about it.”
“You ought to caution12 me,” I said reprovingly.
“I’m not a police officer,” said Dr. Shaw.
“What are you then?”
“I’m a doctor.”
“I don’t need a doctor,” I said.
“That remains13 to be seen.”
I looked at Phillpot then, and I said:
“What are you doing? Come here to judge me, to preside14 at my trial?”
“I’m only a Justice of the Peace,” he said. “I’m here as a friend.”
“A friend of mine?” That startled15 me.
“A friend of Ellie’s,” he said.
I didn’t understand. None of it made sense to me but I couldn’t help feel-ing rather important. All of them there! Police and doctor, Shaw and Phill-pot who was a busy man in his way. The whole thing was very complic-ated. I began to lose count of things. I was very tired, you see. I used to gettired suddenly and go to sleep….
And all the coming and going. People came to see me, all sorts of people.
Lawyers, a solicitor16, I think, and another kind of lawyer with him and doc-tors. Several doctors. They bothered me and I didn’t want to answer them.
One of them kept asking me if there was anything I wanted. I said therewas. I said there was only one thing I wanted. I said I wanted a ballpenand a lot of paper. I wanted, you see, to write all about it, how it all cameto happen. I wanted to tell them what I’d felt, what I’d thought. The more Ithought about myself, the more interesting I thought it would be to every-body. Because I was interesting. I was a really interesting person and I’ddone interesting things.
The doctors—one doctor, anyway—seemed to think it was a good idea. Isaid:
“You always let people make a statement, so why can’t I write my state-ment out? Some day, perhaps, everybody can read it.”
They let me do it. I couldn’t write very long on end. I used to get tired.
Somebody used a phrase like “diminished responsibility” and somebodyelse disagreed. All sorts of things you hear. Sometimes they don’t thinkyou’re even listening. Then I had to appear in court and I wanted them tofetch me my best suit because I had to make a good figure there. It seemedthey had had detectives watching me. For some time. Those new servants.
I think they’d been engaged or put on my trail by Lippincott. They foundout too many things about me and Greta. Funny, after she was dead Inever thought of Greta much…After I’d killed her she didn’t seem to mat-ter any more.
I tried to bring back the splendid triumphant17 feeling that I’d had when Istrangled her. But even that was gone away….
They brought my mother to see me quite suddenly one day. There shewas looking at me from the doorway18. She didn’t look as anxious as sheused to look. I think all she looked now was sad. She hadn’t much to sayand nor had I. All she said was:
“I tried, Mike. I tried very hard to keep you safe. I failed. I was alwaysafraid that I should fail.”
I said, “All right, Mum, it wasn’t your fault. I chose to go the way Iwanted.”
And I thought suddenly, “That’s what Santonix said. He was afraid forme, too. He hadn’t been able to do anything either. Nobody could havedone anything—except perhaps I myself…I don’t know. I’m not sure. Butevery now and then I remember—I remember that day when Ellie said tome, ‘What are you thinking of when you look at me like that?’ and I said,‘Like what?’ She said, ‘As though you loved me.’ I suppose in a way I didlove her. I could have loved her. She was so sweet, Ellie. Sweet delight….”
I suppose the trouble with me was that I wanted things too much, al-ways. Wanted them, too, the easy way, the greedy way.
That first time, that first day I came to Gipsy’s Acre and met Ellie. As wewere going down the road again we met Esther. It put it into my head thatday, the warning she gave Ellie, put it in my head to pay her. I knew shewas the kind who would do anything for money. I’d pay her. She’d startwarning Ellie and frightening her, making her feel that she was in danger.
I thought it might make it seem more possible then that Ellie had diedfrom shock. That first day, I know now, I’m sure of it, Esther was reallyfrightened. She was really frightened for Ellie. She warned her, warnedher to go away, have nothing to do with Gipsy’s Acre. She was warningher, of course, to have nothing to do with me. I didn’t understand that. El-lie didn’t understand either.
Was it me Ellie was afraid of? I think it must have been though shedidn’t know it herself. She knew there was something threatening her, sheknew there was danger. Santonix knew the evil in me, too, just like mymother. Perhaps all three of them knew. Ellie knew but she didn’t mind,she never minded. It’s odd, very odd. I know now. We were very happy to-gether. Yes, very happy. I wish I’d known then that we were happy…I hadmy chance. Perhaps everyone has a chance. I—turned my back on it.
It seems odd, doesn’t it, that Greta doesn’t matter at all?
And even my beautiful house doesn’t matter.
Only Ellie…And Ellie can never find me again—Endless Night…That’sthe end of my story—
In my end is the beginning—that’s what people are always saying.
But what does it mean?
And just where does my story begin? I must try and think….
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收听单词发音
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1
crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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2
champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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3
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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4
allergy
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| n.(因食物、药物等而引起的)过敏症 | |
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5
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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wasp
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| n.黄蜂，蚂蜂 | |
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7
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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8
queer
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| adj.奇怪的，异常的，不舒服的，眩晕的 | |
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giggle
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| n.痴笑，咯咯地笑；v.咯咯地笑着说 | |
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10
fingerprints
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| n.指纹( fingerprint的名词复数 )v.指纹( fingerprint的第三人称单数 ) | |
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11
tricky
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| adj.狡猾的，奸诈的；(工作等)棘手的，微妙的 | |
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12
caution
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| n.小心，谨慎，警告；vt.告诫，警告 | |
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13
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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14
preside
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| vi.（at，over）主持，主管 | |
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15
startled
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| adj.受惊吓的v.使惊跳，使大吃一惊( startle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
solicitor
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| n.初级律师，事务律师 | |
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17
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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