One of the things that served to darken Clyde's mood just about the time when he was seeking some practicalsolution for himself, to say nothing of its profoundly disheartening effect on the Griffiths family as a whole, wasthe fact that his sister Esta, in whom he took no little interest (although they really had very little in common),ran away from home with an actor who happened to be playing in Kansas City and who took a passing fancy forher.
The truth in regard to Esta was that in spite of her guarded up-bringing, and the seeming religious and moralfervor which at times appeared to characterize her, she was just a sensuous1, weak girl who did not by any meansknow yet what she thought. Despite the atmosphere in which she moved, essentially2 she was not of it. Like thelarge majority of those who profess3 and daily repeat the dogmas and creeds4 of the world, she had come into herpractices and imagined attitude so insensibly from her earliest childhood on, that up to this time, and even later,she did not know the meaning of it all. For the necessity of thought had been obviated5 by advice and law, or"revealed" truth, and so long as other theories or situations and impulses of an external or even internal, characterdid not arise to clash with these, she was safe enough. Once they did, however, it was a foregone conclusion thather religious notions, not being grounded on any conviction or temperamental bias6 of her own, were not likely towithstand the shock. So that all the while, and not unlike her brother Clyde, her thoughts as well as her emotionswere wandering here and there--to love, to comfort--to things which in the main had little, if anything, to dowith any self-abnegating and self-immolating religious theory. Within her was a chemism of dreams whichsomehow counteracted7 all they had to say.
Yet she had neither Clyde's force, nor, on the other hand, his resistance. She was in the main a drifter, with avague yearning8 toward pretty dresses, hats, shoes, ribbons and the like, and super-imposed above this, thereligious theory or notion that she should not be. There were the long bright streets of a morning and afternoonafter school or of an evening. The charm of certain girls swinging along together, arms locked, secrets a-whispering, or that of boys, clownish, yet revealing through their bounding ridiculous animality the force andmeaning of that chemistry and urge toward mating which lies back of all youthful thought and action. And in herself, as from time to time she observed lovers or flirtation-seekers who lingered at street corners or aboutdoorways, and who looked at her in a longing9 and seeking way, there was a stirring, a nerve plasm palpitationthat spoke10 loudly for all the seemingly material things of life, not for the thin pleasantries of heaven.
And the glances drilled her like an invisible ray, for she was pleasing to look at and was growing more attractivehourly. And the moods in others awakened11 responsive moods in her, those rearranging chemisms upon which allthe morality or immorality12 of the world is based.
And then one day, as she was coming home from school, a youth of that plausible13 variety known as "masher"engaged her in conversation, largely because of a look and a mood which seemed to invite it. And there was littleto stay her, for she was essentially yielding, if not amorous14. Yet so great had been her home drilling as to theneed of modesty15, circumspection16, purity and the like, that on this occasion at least there was no danger of anyimmediate lapse17. Only this attack once made, others followed, were accepted, or not so quickly fled from, and bydegrees, these served to break down that wall of reserve which her home training had served to erect19. Shebecame secretive and hid her ways from her parents.
Youths occasionally walked and talked with her in spite of herself. They demolished20 that excessive shynesswhich had been hers, and which had served to put others aside for a time at least. She wished for other contacts-dreamedof some bright, gay, wonderful love of some kind, with some one.
Finally, after a slow but vigorous internal growth of mood and desire, there came this actor, one of those vain,handsome, animal personalities21, all clothes and airs, but no morals (no taste, no courtesy or real tenderness even),but of compelling magnetism22, who was able within the space of one brief week and a few meetings to completelybefuddle and enmesh her so that she was really his to do with as he wished. And the truth was that he scarcelycared for her at all. To him, dull as he was, she was just another girl--fairly pretty, obviously sensuous andinexperienced, a silly who could be taken by a few soft words--a show of seemingly sincere affection, talk of theopportunity of a broader, freer life on the road, in other great cities, as his wife.
And yet his words were those of a lover who would be true forever. All she had to do, as he explained to her, wasto come away with him and be his bride, at once--now. Delay was so vain when two such as they had met. Therewas difficulty about marriage here, which he could not explain--it related to friends--but in St. Louis he had apreacher friend who would wed18 them. She was to have new and better clothes than she had ever known,delicious adventures, love. She would travel with him and see the great world. She would never need to troublemore about anything save him; and while it was truth to her--the verbal surety of a genuine passion--to him itwas the most ancient and serviceable type of blarney, often used before and often successful.
In a single week then, at odd hours, morning, afternoon and night, this chemic witchery was accomplished24.
Coming home rather late one Saturday night in April from a walk which he had taken about the business heart, inorder to escape the regular Saturday night mission services, Clyde found his mother and father worried about thewhereabouts of Esta. She had played and sung as usual at this meeting. And all had seemed all right with her.
After the meeting she had gone to her room, saying that she was not feeling very well and was going to bedearly. But by eleven o'clock, when Clyde returned, her mother had chanced to look into her room and discoveredthat she was not there nor anywhere about the place. A certain bareness in connection with the room--some trinkets and dresses removed, an old and familiar suitcase gone--had first attracted her mother's attention. Thenthe house search proving that she was not there, Asa had gone outside to look up and down the street. Shesometimes walked out alone, or sat or stood in front of the mission during its idle or closed hours.
This search revealing nothing, Clyde and he had walked to a corner, then along Missouri Avenue. No Esta. Attwelve they returned and after that, naturally, the curiosity in regard to her grew momentarily sharper.
At first they assumed that she might have taken an unexplained walk somewhere, but as twelve-thirty, and finallyone, and one-thirty, passed, and no Esta, they were about to notify the police, when Clyde, going into her room,saw a note pinned to the pillow of her small wooden bed--a missive that had escaped the eye of his mother. Atonce he went to it, curious and comprehending, for he had often wondered in what way, assuming that he everwished to depart surreptitiously, he would notify his parents, for he knew they would never countenance25 hisdeparture unless they were permitted to supervise it in every detail. And now here was Esta missing, and herewas undoubtedly26 some such communication as he might have left. He picked it up, eager to read it, but at thatmoment his mother came into the room and, seeing it in his hand, exclaimed: "What's that? A note? Is it fromher?" He surrendered it and she unfolded it, reading it quickly. He noted28 that her strong broad face, alwaystanned a reddish brown, blanched29 as she turned away toward the outer room. Her biggish mouth was now set in afirm, straight line. Her large, strong hand shook the least bit as it held the small note aloft.
"Asa!" she called, and then tramping into the next room where he was, his frizzled grayish hair curlingdistractedly above his round head, she said: "Read this."Clyde, who had followed, saw him take it a little nervously30 in his pudgy hands, his lips, always weak andbeginning to crinkle at the center with age, now working curiously31. Any one who had known his life's historywould have said it was the expression, slightly emphasized, with which he had received most of the untowardblows of his life in the past.
"Tst! Tst! Tst!" was the only sound he made at first, a sucking sound of the tongue and palate--most weak andinadequate, it seemed to Clyde. Next there was another "Tst! Tst! Tst!", his head beginning to shake from side toside. Then, "Now, what do you suppose could have caused her to do that?" Then he turned and gazed at his wife,who gazed blankly in return. Then, walking to and fro, his hands behind him, his short legs taking unconsciousand queerly long steps, his head moving again, he gave vent23 to another ineffectual "Tst! Tst! Tst!"Always the more impressive, Mrs. Griffiths now showed herself markedly different and more vital in this tryingsituation, a kind of irritation33 or dissatisfaction with life itself, along with an obvious physical distress34, seeming topass through her like a visible shadow. Once her husband had gotten up, she reached out and took the note, thenmerely glared at it again, her face set in hard yet stricken and disturbing lines. Her manner was that of one who isintensely disquieted35 and dissatisfied, one who fingers savagely36 at a material knot and yet cannot undo27 it, one whoseeks restraint and freedom from complaint and yet who would complain bitterly, angrily. For behind her wereall those years of religious work and faith, which somehow, in her poorly integrated conscience, seemed dimly toindicate that she should justly have been spared this. Where was her God, her Christ, at this hour when thisobvious evil was being done? Why had He not acted for her? How was He to explain this? His Biblicalpromises! His perpetual guidance! His declared mercies!
In the face of so great a calamity38, it was very hard for her, as Clyde could see, to get this straightened out,instantly at least. Although, as Clyde had come to know, it could be done eventually, of course. For in someblind, dualistic way both she and Asa insisted, as do all religionists, in disassociating God from harm and errorand misery39, while granting Him nevertheless supreme40 control. They would seek for something else--somemalign, treacherous41, deceiving power which, in the face of God's omniscience42 and omnipotence43, still beguilesand betrays--and find it eventually in the error and perverseness44 of the human heart, which God has made, yetwhich He does not control, because He does not want to control it.
At the moment, however, only hurt and rage were with her, and yet her lips did not twitch45 as did Asa's, nor didher eyes show that profound distress which filled his. Instead she retreated a step and reexamined the letter,almost angrily, then said to Asa: "She's run away with some one and she doesn't say--" Then she stoppedsuddenly, remembering the presence of the children--Clyde, Julia, and Frank, all present and all gazingcuriously, intently, unbelievingly. "Come in here," she called to her husband, "I want to talk to you a minute.
You children had better go on to bed. We'll be out in a minute."With Asa then she retired46 quite precipitately47 to a small room back of the mission hall. They heard her click theelectric bulb. Then their voices were heard in low converse48, while Clyde and Julia and Frank looked at eachother, although Frank, being so young--only ten--could scarcely be said to have comprehended fully49. Even Juliahardly gathered the full import of it. But Clyde, because of his larger contact with life and his mother's statement("She's run away with some one"), understood well enough. Esta had tired of all this, as had he. Perhaps therewas some one, like one of those dandies whom he saw on the streets with the prettiest girls, with whom she hadgone. But where? And what was he like? That note told something, and yet his mother had not let him see it. Shehad taken it away too quickly. If only he had looked first, silently and to himself!
"Do you suppose she's run away for good?" he asked Julia dubiously50, the while his parents were out of the room,Julia herself looking so blank and strange.
"How should I know?" she replied a little irritably51, troubled by her parents' distress and this secretiveness, aswell as Esta's action. "She never said anything to me. I should think she'd be ashamed of herself if she has."Julia, being colder emotionally than either Esta or Clyde, was more considerate of her parents in a conventionalway, and hence sorrier. True, she did not quite gather what it meant, but she suspected something, for she hadtalked occasionally with girls, but in a very guarded and conservative way. Now, however, it was more the wayin which Esta had chosen to leave, deserting her parents and her brothers and herself, that caused her to be angrywith her, for why should she go and do anything which would distress her parents in this dreadful fashion. It wasdreadful. The air was thick with misery.
And as his parents talked in their little room, Clyde brooded too, for he was intensely curious about life now.
What was it Esta had really done? Was it, as he feared and thought, one of those dreadful runaway52 or sexuallydisagreeable affairs which the boys on the streets and at school were always slyly talking about? How shameful,if that were true! She might never come back. She had gone with some man. There was something wrong aboutthat, no doubt, for a girl, anyhow, for all he had ever heard was that all decent contacts between boys and girls,men and women, led to but one thing--marriage. And now Esta, in addition to their other troubles, had gone anddone this. Certainly this home life of theirs was pretty dark now, and it would be darker instead of brighter because of this.
Presently the parents came out, and then Mrs. Griffiths' face, if still set and constrained53, was somehow a littledifferent, less savage37 perhaps, more hopelessly resigned.
"Esta's seen fit to leave us, for a little while, anyhow," was all she said at first, seeing the children waitingcuriously. "Now, you're not to worry about her at all, or think any more about it. She'll come back after a while,I'm sure. She has chosen to go her own way, for a time, for some reason. The Lord's will be done." ("Blessed bethe name of the Lord!" interpolated Asa.) "I thought she was happy here with us, but apparently54 she wasn't. Shemust see something of the world for herself, I suppose." (Here Asa put in another Tst! Tst! Tst!) "But we mustn'tharbor hard thoughts. That won't do any good now--only thoughts of love and kindness." Yet she said this with akind of sternness that somehow belied55 it--a click of the voice, as it were. "We can only hope that she will soonsee how foolish she has been, and unthinking, and come back. She can't prosper56 on the course she's going now. Itisn't the Lord's way or will. She's too young and she's made a mistake. But we can forgive her. We must. Ourhearts must be kept open, soft and tender." She talked as though she were addressing a meeting, but with a hard,sad, frozen face and voice. "Now, all of you go to bed. We can only pray now, and hope, morning, noon andnight, that no evil will befall her. I wish she hadn't done that," she added, quite out of keeping with the rest of herstatement and really not thinking of the children as present at all--just of Esta.
But Asa!
Such a father, as Clyde often thought, afterwards.
Apart from his own misery, he seemed only to note and be impressed by the more significant misery of his wife.
During all this, he had stood foolishly to one side--short, gray, frizzled, inadequate32.
"Well, blessed be the name of the Lord," he interpolated from time to time. "We must keep our hearts open. Yes,we mustn't judge. We must only hope for the best. Yes, yes! Praise the Lord--we must praise the Lord! Amen!
Oh, yes! Tst! Tst! Tst!""If any one asks where she is," continued Mrs. Griffiths after a time, quite ignoring her spouse57 and addressing thechildren, who had drawn58 near her, "we will say that she has gone on a visit to some of my relatives back inTonawanda. That won't be the truth, exactly, but then we don't know where she is or what the truth is--and shemay come back. So we must not say or do anything that will injure her until we know.""Yes, praise the Lord!" called Asa, feebly.
"So if any one should inquire at any time, until we know, we will say that.""Sure," put in Clyde, helpfully, and Julia added, "All right."Mrs. Griffiths paused and looked firmly and yet apologetically at her children. Asa, for his part, emitted another"Tst! Tst! Tst!" and then the children were waved to bed.
At that, Clyde, who really wanted to know what Esta's letter had said, but was convinced from long experiencethat his mother would not let him know unless she chose, returned to his room again, for he was tired. Why didn'tthey search more if there was hope of finding her? Where was she now--at this minute? On some trainsomewhere? Evidently she didn't want to be found. She was probably dissatisfied, just as he was. Here he was,thinking so recently of going away somewhere himself, wondering how the family would take it, and now shehad gone before him. How would that affect his point of view and action in the future? Truly, in spite of hisfather's and mother's misery, he could not see that her going was such a calamity, not from the GOING point ofview, at any rate. It was only another something which hinted that things were not right here. Mission work wasnothing. All this religious emotion and talk was not so much either. It hadn't saved Esta. Evidently, like himself,she didn't believe so much in it, either.
克莱德正在给自己寻摸一个切实解决办法，恰好这时家里遇到了一些麻烦事，使他心绪越发灰暗了。其中有一件事，就是:
他的姐姐爱思达跟一个难得上堪萨斯城演出。闪电式爱上她的演员离家私奔了。(尽管他相当疼她的，但说实话，他们俩之间毫无共同语言)这一件事弄得格里菲思全家人如何灰心丧气，也就不用说了。
爱思达事件真相是这样的:
尽管她是在严格的教育之下长大，有时似乎对宗教和道德还怀着满腔热忱，其实，她只不过是一个性感丰富。意志薄弱的女孩子，她心里究竟在想些什么，连她自己也说不清。她虽在那个特殊的环境中生活着，可她压根儿和它格格不入。如同绝大多数的人只是整日价嘴上笃信宗教一样，她从很小时候起，就不假思索地把这些宗教信条都接受下来了，到如今，乃至于在以后，爱思达也还是一点儿不理解它们的意义。至于这些天天重复念叨的宗教信条究竟包含什么意思，反正有了家训。教规，以及"天启"的真理，她早已用不着自己去独立思考了;只要别的学说，别的情况，以及来自外界的。或者甚至出自内心的一些冲动还没有同上面那些东西发生冲突，那她就可以高枕无忧了。可是话又说回来，一旦真的发生了冲突，由于她的宗教观不是建立在个人信仰，或则个人气质倾向的基础之上，大概经受不住这一冲击，那也是早就可以预料的结论。因此，爱思达的思想感情未必和她的弟弟克莱德不同，原来也是一天到晚从这到那，飘忽不定……一会儿想到爱情，一会儿又想到享乐生活……一会儿却想到了那些跟自我克制。自我牺牲这类教义也许根本不相干的事情。一句话，她整个内心世界，以及她所有的梦想，都把人们宣扬的所有宗教教规通通给抵消了。
可是，她毕竟没有克莱德那种毅力，也没有他那种反抗性。她基本上是个随波逐流的人，朦朦胧胧地渴望着漂亮的衣服。鞋帽和缎带之类的东西，而宗教教规或宗教观念，则不准她梦想追求这些东西。不论在上午或下午放学以后，或是在傍晚，在那些长长的。五光十色的街道上，常有一些可爱的姑娘们一面手挽手大摇大摆地闲逛着，一面还在交头接耳，窃窃私语。也有一些男孩子，固然有些滑稽笨拙，可是透过他们那种鲜活蹦跳而又十分可笑的动物本性，却显露出了隐藏在所有年轻人的思想和行动后面的求偶那种执著。本能的渴望。
而她自己呢，当她不时看到一些求爱的恋人，或是专门调情取乐的人，逗留在大街拐角处或大门口，用一种炽烈渴求的目光直瞅着她，她自己心里不由得也有一种激动，一种神经原形质的颤动，它大声渴求着人世间所有看得见。摸得着的东西，而不是有关天堂的那些令人难以置信的玩笑话。
那些年轻人向她投来的眼色，好象一道看不见的光，穿透了她整个的身心，就是因为她出落得很讨人喜欢，而且每时每刻在增姿添色，长得越来越吸引人了。再说，年轻人的心态，已在她心中引起共鸣，这些神妙的。不可思议的化学反应，便成为人世间一切道德和不道德的基础。
却说有一天，她正在放学回家路上，有一个年轻人(这种人能说会道，通称沾花拈草的浪荡子)竟然凑上来跟她搭讪，恐怕多半是她自己显露出的一种神色和一种心态惹出来的。反正什么都遏制不住她，因为她哪怕不是个情种，从天性上来说还是百依百顺的。不过，她的家教历来很严，要求她务必保持端庄。
谨慎。纯洁等等，因此，至少说这一回还不至于有马上失足的危险。只是经过这一次进攻，以后进攻也就接踵而至，何况都被她接受了，或者说她并没有很快躲避闪开。于是，这些进攻便一步逼一步地把她的家教所筑成的那堵冷漠围墙推倒。她本人也变得行动诡秘，还向父母隐瞒自己的所作所为。
偶尔也有一些年轻人，不管她乐意不乐意，竟然跟着她一起，边走边谈了。
她一向非常害羞，开头至少有一阵子常常把他们甩在一边，不予理睬。可如今她那种过分的羞态，终于被他们摧毁了。她心里巴不得有一些新的巧遇……梦想着自己跟什么人来一场漂亮。快活。惊人的恋爱。
这种心态和欲念在她心里缓慢有力地日益增长之后，终于来了这么一个演员:
他是爱好虚荣。漂亮，而又兽性十足的那种人，一味讲究穿着。气派，可是品德不好(他格调不高，缺乏礼貌，甚至也许连真正的柔情都没有)，但他身上却有一种非常强烈的男性魅力。短短一星期里，仅仅见过一两次面，他居然就使她完全神魂颠倒，坠入情网，说真的，她样样都听他随意摆布了。事实上，他压根儿不疼爱她。这个人尽管并不聪明，可他却认为:
她只不过是又一个黄花闺女罢了……长得相当漂亮，显然是性欲强。毫无经验，一两句甜言蜜语准定上钩的傻丫头……只要来上一番虚情假意，说什么她要是做了他的妻子，赶明儿管包带她上大城市逛逛，过上更加无拘无束。自由自在的生活就得了。
不过，乍一听，他所说的话，倒是很象出自一个忠贞不渝的情人之口。他对她说得明明白白，只要她马上跟他一块儿走，成为他的新娘……现在就走，切莫磨蹭。眼下象他们这样两个人，既然有缘在此相遇，干吗还要白白地拖延时间呢。至于就在此地结婚，是有困难的，其原因他不好说……反正这要牵扯到他的一些朋友……不过在圣路易，他倒是有一个朋友做牧师的，可以给他们证婚。以后，她就会有从来没有见过的漂亮衣服，形形色色妙不可言的奇遇，以及卿卿我我的缱绻柔情。她还可以跟他一块儿旅游去，饱览一下这个大千世界。她只要好好照应他，再也用不着发愁了。这些话她都信以为真……看做真情流露的山盟海誓……而在他看来，只不过是他过去惯用，往往又很灵验的老一套花言巧语。
短短的一星期里，他们利用早晨。午后和夜晚零星时间见面，这套不难耍弄的魔术终于获得成功了。
有一回，在四月里一个星期六夜晚，克莱德为了逃避照例要在周末举行的传道活动，独自到商业中心区去，很晚才回家。他一下子就发现父母因为不知爱思达下落而非常焦急。她在当天晚上传道时，还照常弹琴，唱赞美诗，看来一切都很正常。结束以后，她回到了自己房间，说她身体不大舒服，打算早点上床。可是到了晚上十一点钟，克莱德刚好回到家里的时候，母亲无意中往她房里张望了一下，却发现她不在房里，而且附近地方也找不见她。她的房间里已有一点空荡荡的样子……有些小首饰和衣服给带走了，一只常用的旧手提箱也不见了……首先引起了她母亲的注意。随后，在家里到处搜寻，结果也都找不着她;于是，阿萨走到了大街上，往四下里张望。本来传道馆空着的时候，或是在关门之后，有时候她也曾独个儿出门去的，也有的时候，她就在传道馆前面闲坐或是伫立一会儿。
尽管这样搜寻还是一无所得，克莱德和阿萨一起，先是跑到大街上拐角处去找，随后沿着密苏里大街径直走去。哪儿都不见爱思达的影儿。他们深夜十二点钟才回来;从那以后，全家人对她自然就越来越揪心了。
开头，他们认为说不定她事先没有关照，就到什么地方去了。可是，等到十二点半，最后到一点。一点半，还是不见爱思达的影儿。他们正要去报警，这时克莱德走进了她的房间，发现她那张小木床上有一张条子，用别针扎在枕头上……这一纸短信，就在母亲的眼皮底下也没看见。他马上走了过去，心里一面好奇，一面在揣度。因为他常常暗自琢磨，假定说他想要偷偷地不告而别，究竟该用什么方式告诉他的父母才好。他知道，除非全部计划乃至于每一个细节事先都让他们了解，他们是决不会同意他离去的。而现在呢，爱思达终于失踪了。当然，以后他自己说不定也会留下这样的告父母书。他捡起了这个条子，急急乎要看，偏巧他母亲走了进来，发现他手里拿着一张条子，就大声嚷嚷:
"那是什么呀?
是一个条子吗?
难道就是她写的?
"克莱德把条子交给了她，她把它摊开来，赶紧看了一遍。本来他母亲那张健壮的大脸盘一向黑里透红，这时他发现，她转身朝外屋走去时，脸色已经煞白。她那张相当大的嘴巴，紧紧地抿成了一条有力的直线。她那结实有力的大手，高高地举起那张小小便条，一面有一点儿在发抖了。
"阿萨!
"她大声惊呼，往隔壁房间走去。阿萨正在那里，白花花的鬈发好象心烦意乱地盘缠在他那滚圆的脑袋周围。她说:
"看这个吧。"克莱德跟在母亲后面，看见父亲又短又肥的手里有些紧张不安地拿着那张条子。本来他的嘴唇一向疲沓无力，又因年岁渐老，中间开始皱缩，说来真怪，这会儿却一个劲儿抽动起来。凡是了解他身世的人，一定会说，这正是他过去一生中屡遭不幸打击时的一种表情，不过此刻尤为突出罢了。
开头，他只发出"Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
"的声音，是舌头与上颚之间的吸入音……这在克莱德听来，未免太软弱无力了。接下来又是一迭连声"Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
"他的脑袋已开始东摇西晃。随后，他说:
"喂，你说说，她干吗会做出这样的事来?
"说完，他又转过身来，直瞅着他的妻子，她也无可奈何地直瞅着他。
后来，他就背着双手，在房间里踱来踱去，他的两条短腿正迈着无意识而又古怪的大步，脑袋又来回摇晃，而且再一次发出一迭连声徒呼奈何的"Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
"格里菲思太太给人印象一向比她丈夫要深刻得多，如今处于这种尴尬的境地，果然表现得很不一样，确实更加富有魄力。对于人生的激忿。不满，以及显然是一种肉体上的痛苦，有如一道看得见的影子，在她身上掠过。她的丈夫一站起来，她马上伸过手去，把那张条子接住，两眼又一次直瞅它，脸上立时露出严峻。痛苦，而又心烦意乱的表情。她的这种举止态度，就象一个心神极度紊乱而又不满的人，虽然狠命地在使劲儿，还是解不开一个有形的结;同时又想要自己保持镇静，心中不再忿忿不平，到头来却依然苦恼。怨恨。按说她长年累月一贯虔诚地从事传道工作，根据她那低得可怜的是非标准来看，仿佛觉得，她自己实在应该免遭这类不幸的了!
当这种彰明昭著的恶行尚在的时候，她的上帝。她的基督，究竟都上哪儿去了?
为什么他没有帮助她呢?
这一点他该如何解释呢?
他在《圣经》里说过的那些预言呢?
他要永远指引众人呢!
还有他明明白白说过的仁慈呢?
克莱德清楚地看到，面对这样巨大的灾祸，她想把个中原委找到是极其困难的，至少在眼前做不到。不过，最后一定是会找到的，这一点，当然，克莱德心里也是明白的。因为她和阿萨正如所有热心宗教人士一样，根据他们那种盲目的二元论观点，坚信灾祸。错误和不幸，跟上帝一概无涉，同时又认定上帝是至高无上的。主宰一切的力量。将来他们会在别的什么地方找到了祸根……某种邪恶。奸险。欺骗的力量，有违上帝的全知全能，照旧诱惑和欺骗人们……说到底，归罪于人们心中的谬误和邪恶;虽然人心也是上帝造出来的，可是，他并不抑制它，因为他根本不愿抑制它。
不过此时此刻，她只是在心中充满痛苦和愤怒，可她的嘴唇既不象阿萨那样抽动，她的眼睛也不象他那样露出深切的悲痛。她往后退了一步，有点气呼呼地把爱思达的信又细看了一遍，然后对阿萨说:
"她跟人私奔了，可她又不言语一声……"她突然语塞了，一想到孩子们……克莱德。朱丽娅和弗兰克全都在场，而且个个好奇地。全神贯注地。心中怀疑地凝视着她。"上这儿来，"她对她丈夫说，"我要跟你说句话。孩子们，你们还是先睡去吧。我们一会儿就回来。"于是，她和阿萨一起急冲冲走进了传道馆大厅后面那个小房间。孩子们听见母亲扭电灯开关的声音。接下来听见父母压低声音在谈话，这时克莱德。朱丽娅和弗兰克面面相觑，只不过弗兰克还太小……仅仅十岁……恐怕说不上完全懂得这是怎么回事。甚至于朱丽娅也不见得非常明白。不过，克莱德毕竟见过一点世面，又听到母亲说的"她跟人私奔了"那句话，所以说，就他心里最透亮了。爱思达对这一套腻味透了，就象他一样。也许正是他在大街上看见过的。
挽着漂亮姑娘的那类花花公子……爱思达就同此人一起私奔了。不过，上哪儿去了?
此人……到底是个什么样的人呢?
那张便条上想必说了一些，但是母亲没让他看。她一下子就把便条拿走了。可惜那时他没有一声不响地先看一下!
"你说她这一去，就永远不会回来吗?
"他趁父母一走出房间，就怀疑地问朱丽娅。看来朱丽娅也茫然不知所措。
"我怎么会知道呢?
"她有些恼火地回答说，她对父母的不幸和这种鬼鬼祟祟的神气，以及爱思达的所作所为觉得很难受。"她什么都没有跟我说过。我想，她要是真的跟我说了，准会感到害臊。"朱丽娅在诉诸感情方面，要比爱思达或克莱德冷静些，对父母一向体贴入微，所以也就比兄姐他们更加伤心了。诚然，她对这件事的意义并没有完全理解，不过，她有些猜测，因为她跟别的女孩子偶尔也扯过，哪怕是扯得非常谨小慎微。可现在最使朱丽娅生气的，则是爱思达所选择的这种出走的方式，竟将父母。弟弟和她自己全给抛弃了。她干吗要这样出走，干出这种事来，害得父母这样忧心如焚。这有多可怕呀!
屋子里一片凄惶的气氛。
父母在小房间谈话的时候，克莱德也在暗自寻思，因为现在他正在急切地探索思考人生问题。爱思达干的，到底是怎么回事?
难道说这就是骇人听闻的私奔那类事，或者是两性之间不堪入耳的那类事，正如大街上和学校里男孩子他们时常窃窃私语的?
他一想到这里，就不寒而栗。要是真的这样，该有多丢脸!
说不定她再也不会回来了。她跟一个不知是什么样儿的男人一起逃走了。反正这种行为，对一个女孩子来说，当然是要不得的。过去他常常听人说过，凡是男孩子和女孩子。男人和女人之间，一建立了堂堂正正的关系，最后导致的结果只有一个……结婚。他们这一家人本来就有其他的种种苦恼，可是现在，爱思达居然还干出私奔这种丑事来，真可以说祸不单行。他们这一家人的生活，本来就够惨的，如今又出了这件事，当然，只会变得更惨了。
不一会儿，父母从小房间走出来了。格里菲思太太依旧绷着脸，怪不自然的，可是毕竟有些变了，也许是脾气收敛一些，无可奈何地听天由命了。
"爱思达觉得最好还是离开我们，反正是暂时的，"她看见孩子们都在好奇地等着，开头只说了这些话。"现在，你们压根儿不用替她担心，再也用不着净想这件事啦。我相信，过一阵子她准回来的。她决定按自己的意愿干一阵子，反正总有什么原因呗。但愿是主的旨意就好啦!
"("主啊我们赞美你的名字!
"阿萨马上插嘴说。)"过去我还以为她同我们在一块很幸福，可现在看来，她并不觉得是这样。依我看，她应该自个儿去见一见世面才好。
"(阿萨又一迭连声发出"Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
")"不过话又说回来，我们可不能把她想得太糟糕了。这对现在来说是没有什么好处……只有爱和仁慈才能正确指引我们。"不过她说这句话时，声调有些严峻，不知怎的是违心之言吧……她说话的声音照原样还是倒吸气音。"我们只能希望她很快就明白她这种举动该有多么傻。多么轻率，于是回家转。现在她走的那条路，别指望她会得到幸福的。这既不是主指引的路，也不是主的旨意。她太年轻了，她做了错事。不过，我们可以宽恕她的。我们一定要宽恕她才对。我们的心必须向她敞开，充满温情和慈爱。"她说这些话时，仿佛是向会众说的，不过，她的脸色和声调却是严厉。阴郁。冷峻的。"得了，你们都去睡吧。现在我们只能每天早上。中午。晚上虔心祷祝，但愿她不要遇到什么灾祸。是的，我真的巴不得她没有干这件事就好了，"最后，她添了这么一句话，显然跟她刚才说的这篇话不大协调。说真的，这时候她并没有想到孩子们还在她跟前……她是一心只惦着爱思达啊!
可是阿萨呢!
如此窝囊的一位父亲……这就是克莱德后来常常想到的看法。
除了他自己的痛苦以外，看来他唯一关注的，就是他的妻子更加深沉的痛苦。他自始至终只是傻呼呼地伫立在一边……矮矮的个儿，白花花的鬈发，露出一副窝囊相。
"是的，主啊，我们赞美你!
"他不时插嘴说。"我们的心必须向她敞开。是的，我们可不能马上判断是非。我们只能往最好的一面想。是的!
是的!
赞美上帝……我们必须赞美上帝!
阿门!
哦，得了!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
""要是有人问起爱思达上哪儿去了，"格里菲思太太顿住了一会儿，接下去说，她睬也不睬她的丈夫，而是冲着向她围拢来的子女们说的，"我们就说:
她到托纳旺达看望我娘家的亲戚去了。当然罗，这不完全是实话，可是现在她究竟在哪儿，真相究竟又是怎样，我们也都不知道……反正说不定她会回来的。所以嘛，在我们还没有完全了解清楚以前，可千万不能说她的坏话，更不能做出任何伤害她的事来。""是啊，赞美上帝!
"阿萨有气无力地应了一声。
"好吧，在我们还没了解清楚以前，要是有谁多咱问，就照我刚才说的回答，那就得了。""一定这样，"克莱德在旁帮衬着说;朱丽娅也跟上说了一句:
"好吧。"格里菲思太太顿住了一会儿，脸上露出坚定而又内疚的神色，直瞅着孩子们。这时，阿萨又发出一迭连声"Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
"随后就把孩子们都打发睡觉去了。
说真的，克莱德很想知道爱思达信里说了些什么，不过，根据他长时间经验，他相信母亲决不会让他知道的(除非母亲愿意告诉他)，于是他又回到了自己房间，因为他觉得自己太疲乏了。要是还有一线希望找到她，他们为什么不再去找一下呢?
现在，就在此时此刻，她究竟在哪儿呢?
是在哪儿搭上了火车吗?
显然，她根本不乐意让人们找到她。也许她象他自己一样，感到不满吧。最近他暗自思忖，想要到什么地方去，同时心中纳闷，家里对这件事会有什么看法;可是如今他还在家里，爱思达她倒是先跑掉了。这件事对他将来的思想观点和行动，到底会有什么影响呢?
说真的，不管他的父母心里有多难过，可他始终看不出:
她这一走就是天大的灾祸……至少从"走"的观点来说，并不是这样。这只不过是一个事实，暗示这里家境每况愈下罢了。传教这种工作，根本毫无意义。
宗教热忱和传道这套玩意儿，也没有多大用处。它也挽救不了爱思达啊。显然，她象他本人一样，对这一套玩意儿也不是特别相信的。
收听单词发音 |
1
sensuous
|
|
| adj.激发美感的；感官的，感觉上的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
essentially
|
|
| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
profess
|
|
| v.声称，冒称，以...为业，正式接受入教，表明信仰 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
creeds
|
|
| （尤指宗教）信条，教条( creed的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
obviated
|
|
| v.避免，消除（贫困、不方便等）( obviate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
6
bias
|
|
| n.偏见，偏心，偏袒；vt.使有偏见 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
counteracted
|
|
| 对抗，抵消( counteract的过去式 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
yearning
|
|
| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
longing
|
|
| n.（for）渴望 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
spoke
|
|
| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
awakened
|
|
| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
immorality
|
|
| n. 不道德, 无道义 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
plausible
|
|
| adj.似真实的，似乎有理的，似乎可信的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
amorous
|
|
| adj.多情的；有关爱情的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
modesty
|
|
| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
circumspection
|
|
| n.细心，慎重 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
lapse
|
|
| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
wed
|
|
| v.娶，嫁，与…结婚 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
erect
|
|
| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
demolished
|
|
| v.摧毁( demolish的过去式和过去分词 )；推翻；拆毁（尤指大建筑物）；吃光 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
personalities
|
|
| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
magnetism
|
|
| n.磁性，吸引力，磁学 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
vent
|
|
| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
accomplished
|
|
| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
countenance
|
|
| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
undoubtedly
|
|
| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
undo
|
|
| vt.解开，松开；取消，撤销 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
noted
|
|
| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
blanched
|
|
| v.使变白( blanch的过去式 )；使（植物）不见阳光而变白；酸洗（金属）使有光泽；用沸水烫（杏仁等）以便去皮 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
nervously
|
|
| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
curiously
|
|
| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
inadequate
|
|
| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
irritation
|
|
| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
distress
|
|
| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
disquieted
|
|
| v.使不安，使忧虑，使烦恼( disquiet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
savagely
|
|
| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
savage
|
|
| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
calamity
|
|
| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
misery
|
|
| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
supreme
|
|
| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
treacherous
|
|
| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
omniscience
|
|
| n.全知，全知者，上帝 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
omnipotence
|
|
| n.全能，万能，无限威力 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
perverseness
|
|
| n. 乖张, 倔强, 顽固 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
twitch
|
|
| v.急拉，抽动，痉挛，抽搐；n.扯，阵痛，痉挛 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
retired
|
|
| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
precipitately
|
|
| adv.猛进地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
converse
|
|
| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
fully
|
|
| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
dubiously
|
|
| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
irritably
|
|
| ad.易生气地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
runaway
|
|
| n.逃走的人，逃亡，亡命者；adj.逃亡的，逃走的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
constrained
|
|
| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
apparently
|
|
| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
belied
|
|
| v.掩饰( belie的过去式和过去分词 )；证明（或显示）…为虚假；辜负；就…扯谎 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
prosper
|
|
| v.成功，兴隆，昌盛；使成功，使昌隆，繁荣 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
spouse
|
|
| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
drawn
|
|
| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |