The depression resulting even after two days was apparent to the Reverend McMillan, who was concerned toknow why. More recently, he had been led to believe by Clyde's manner, his visits, if not the fact that the totalityof his preachments, had not been greeted with as much warmth as he would have liked, that by degrees Clydewas being won to his own spiritual viewpoint. With no little success, as it had seemed to him, he had counseledClyde as to the folly1 of depression and despair. "What! Was not the peace of God within his grasp and for theasking. To one who sought God and found Him, as he surely would, if he sought, there could be no sorrow, butonly joy. 'Hereby know we that we dwell in Him, and He in us, because He hath given us of His spirit.'" So hepreached or read,--until finally--two weeks after receiving the letter from Sondra and because of the deepdepression into which he had sunk on account of it, Clyde was finally moved to request of him that he try toinduce the warden2 to allow him to be taken to some other cell or room apart from this room or cell which seemedto Clyde to be filled with too many of his tortured thoughts, in order that he might talk with him and get hisadvice. As he told the Reverend McMillan, he did not appear to be able to solve his true responsibility in connection with all that had so recently occurred in his life, and because of which he seemed not to be able tofind that peace of mind of which McMillan talked so much. Perhaps . . . ,--there must be something wrong withhis viewpoint. Actually he would like to go over the offense3 of which he was convicted and see if there wasanything wrong in his understanding of it. He was not so sure now. And McMillan, greatly stirred,--an enormousspiritual triumph, this--as he saw it--the true reward of faith and prayer, at once proceeding5 to the warden, whowas glad enough to be of service in such a cause. And he permitted the use of one of the cells in the old deathhouse for as long as he should require, and with no guard between himself and Clyde--one only remaining in thegeneral hall outside.
And there Clyde began the story of his relations with Roberta and Sondra. Yet because of all that had been setforth at the trial, merely referring to most of the evidence--apart from his defense6--the change of heart, as so;afterwards dwelling8 more particularly on the fatal adventure with Roberta in the boat. Did the ReverendMcMillan--because of the original plotting--and hence the original intent--think him guilty?--especially in viewof his obsession10 over Sondra--all his dreams in regard to her--did that truly constitute murder? He was askingthis because, as he said, it was as he had done--not as his testimony11 at the trial had indicated that he had done. Itwas a lie that he had experienced a change of heart. His attorneys had counseled that defense as best, since theydid not feel that he was guilty, and had thought that plan the quickest route to liberty. But it was a lie. Inconnection with his mental state also there in the boat, before and after her rising and attempting to come tohim,--and that blow, and after,--he had not told the truth either--quite. That unintentional blow, as he now wishedto explain, since it affected12 his efforts at religious meditation,--a desire to present himself honestly to his Creator,if at all (he did not then explain that as yet he had scarcely attempted to so present himself)--there was more to itthan he had been able yet to make clear, even to himself. In fact even now to himself there was much that wasevasive and even insoluble about it. He had said that there had been no anger--that there had been a change ofheart. But there had been no change of heart. In fact, just before she had risen to come to him, there had been acomplex troubled state, bordering, as he now saw it, almost upon trance or palsy, and due--but he could scarcelysay to what it was due, exactly. He had thought at first--or afterwards--that it was partly due to pity for Roberta-or,at least the shame of so much cruelty in connection with her--his plan to strike her. At the same time therewas anger, too,--hate maybe--because of her determination to force him to do what he did not wish to do.
Thirdly--yet he was not so sure as to that--(he had thought about it so long and yet he was not sure even now)-theremight have been fear as to the consequences of such an evil deed--although, just at that time, as it seemedto him now, he was not thinking of the consequences--or of anything save his inability to do as he had come todo--and feeling angry as to that.
Yet in the blow--the accidental blow that had followed upon her rising and attempting to come to him, had beensome anger against her for wanting to come near him at all. And that it was perhaps--he was truly not sure, evennow, that had given that blow its so destructive force. It was so afterward7, anyhow, that he was compelled tothink of it. And yet there was also the truth that in rising he was seeking to save her--even in spite of his hate.
That he was also, for the moment at least, sorry for that blow. Again, though, once the boat had upset and bothwere in the water--in all that confusion, and when she was drowning, he had been moved by the thought: "Donothing." For thus he would be rid of her. Yes, he had so thought. But again, there was the fact that all through,as Mr. Belknap and Mr. Jephson had pointed13 out, he had been swayed by his obsession for Miss X, the supermotivating force in connection with all of this. But now, did the Reverend McMillan, considering all that wentbefore and all that came after--the fact that the unintentional blow still had had anger in it--angry dissatisfactionwith her--really--and that afterwards he had not gone to her rescue--as now--honestly and truly as he was trying to show--did he think that that constituted murder--mortal blood guilt9 for which spiritually, as well as legally, hemight be said to deserve death? Did he? He would like to know for his own soul's peace--so that he could pray,maybe.
The Reverend McMillan hearing all this--and never in his life before having heard or having had passed to himso intricate and elusive14 and strange a problem--and because of Clyde's faith in and regard for him, enormouslyimpressed. And now sitting before him quite still and pondering most deeply, sadly and even nervously--soserious and important was this request for an opinion--something which, as he knew, Clyde was counting on togive him earthly and spiritual peace. But, none-the-less, the Reverend McMillan was himself too puzzled toanswer so quickly.
"Up to the time you went in that boat with her, Clyde, you had not changed in your mood toward her--yourintention to--to--"The Reverend McMillan's face was gray and drawn15. His eyes were sad. He had been listening, as he now felt, toa sad and terrible story--an evil and cruel self-torturing and destroying story. This young boy--really--! His hot,restless heart which plainly for the lack of so many things which he, the Reverend McMillan, had never wantedfor, had rebelled. And because of that rebellion had sinned mortally and was condemned16 to die. Indeed his reasonwas as intensely troubled as his heart was moved.
"No, I had not.""You were, as you say, angry with yourself for being so weak as not to be able to do what you had planned todo.""In a way it was like that, yes. But then I was sorry, too, you see. And maybe afraid. I'm not exactly sure now.
Maybe not, either."The Reverend McMillan shook his head. So strange! So evasive! So evil! And yet-"But at the same time, as you say, you were angry with her for having driven you to that point.""Yes.""Where you were compelled to wrestle17 with so terrible a problem?""Yes.""Tst! Tst! Tst! And so you thought of striking her.""Yes, I did.""But you could not.""No.""Praised be the mercy of God. Yet in the blow that you did strike--unintentionally--as you say--there was stillsome anger against her. That was why the blow was so--so severe. You did not want her to come near you.""No, I didn't. I think I didn't, anyhow. I'm not quite sure. It may be that I wasn't quite right. Anyhow--all workedup, I guess--sick almost. I--I--" In his uniform--his hair cropped so close, Clyde sat there, trying honestly now tothink how it really was (exactly) and greatly troubled by his inability to demonstrate to himself even--either hisguilt or his lack of guilt. Was he--or was he not? And the Reverend McMillan--himself intensely strained,muttering: "Wide is the gate and broad the way that leadeth to destruction." And yet finally adding: "But you didrise to save her.""Yes, afterwards, I got up. I meant to catch her after she fell back. That was what upset the boat.""And you did really want to catch her?""I don't know. At the moment I guess I did. Anyhow I felt sorry, I think.""But can you say now truly and positively18, as your Creator sees you, that you were sorry--or that you wanted tosave her then?""It all happened so quick, you see," began Clyde nervously--hopelessly, almost, "that I'm not just sure. No, Idon't know that I was so very sorry. No. I really don't know, you see, now. Sometimes I think maybe I was, alittle, sometimes not, maybe. But after she was gone and I was on shore, I felt sorry--a little. But I was sort ofglad, too, you know, to be free, and yet frightened, too--You see--""Yes, I know. You were going to that Miss X. But out there, when she was in the water--?""No.""You did not want to go to her rescue?""No.""Tst! Tst! Tst! You felt no sorrow? No shame? Then?""Yes, shame, maybe. Maybe sorrow, too, a little. I knew it was terrible. I felt that it was, of course. But still--yousee--""Yes, I know. That Miss X. You wanted to get away.""Yes--but mostly I was frightened, and I didn't want to help her.""Yes! Yes! Tst! Tst! Tst! If she drowned you could go to that Miss X. You thought of that?" The Reverend McMillan's lips were tightly and sadly compressed.
"Yes.""My son! My son! In your heart was murder then.""Yes, yes," Clyde said reflectively. "I have thought since it must have been that way."The Reverend McMillan paused and to hearten himself for this task began to pray--but silently--and to himself:
"Our Father who art in Heaven--hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done--on earth as it isin Heaven." He stirred again after a time.
"Ah, Clyde. The mercy of God is equal to every sin. I know it. He sent His own son to die for the evil of theworld. It must be so--if you will but repent19. But that thought! That deed! You have much to pray for, my son-much.
Oh, yes. For in the sight of God, I fear,--yes--And yet--I must pray for enlightenment. This is a strangeand terrible story. There are so many phases. It may be but pray. Pray with me now that you and I may havelight." He bowed his head. He sat for minutes in silence--while Clyde, also, in silence and troubled doubt, satbefore him. Then, after a time he began:
"Oh, Lord, rebuke20 me not in thine anger; neither chasten me in Thy hot displeasure. Have mercy on me, O Lord,for I am weak. Heal me in my shame and sorrow for my soul is wounded and dark in Thy sight. Oh, let thewickedness of my heart pass. Lead me, O God, into Thy righteousness. Let the wickedness of my heart pass andremember it not."Clyde--his head down--sat still--very still. He, himself, was at last shaken and mournful. No doubt his sin wasvery great. Very, very terrible! And yet--But then, the Reverend McMillan ceasing and rising, he, too, rose, thewhile McMillan added: "But I must go now. I must think--pray. This has troubled and touched me deeply. Oh,very, Lord. And you--my son--you return and pray--alone. Repent. Ask of God on your knees His forgivenessand He will hear you. Yes, He will. And to-morrow--or as soon as I honestly can--I will come again. But do notdespair. Pray always--for in prayer alone, prayer and contrition21, is salvation22. Rest in the strength of Him whoholds the world in the hollow of His hand. In His abounding23 strength and mercy, is peace and forgiveness. Oh,yes."He struck the iron door with a small key ring that he carried and at once the guard, hearing it, returned.
Then having escorted Clyde to his cell and seen him once more shut within that restraining cage, he took his owndeparture, heavily and miserably24 burdened with all that he had heard. And Clyde was left to brood on all he hadsaid--and how it had affected McMillan, as well as himself. His new friend's stricken mood. The obvious painand horror with which he viewed it all. Was he really and truly guilty? Did he really and truly deserve to die forthis? Was that what the Reverend McMillan would decide? And in the face of all his tenderness and mercy?
And another week in which, moved by Clyde's seeming contrition, and all the confusing and extenuatingcircumstances of his story, and having wrestled25 most earnestly with every moral aspect of it, the ReverendMcMillan once more before his cell door--but only to say that however liberal or charitable his interpretation26 of the facts, as at last Clyde had truthfully pictured them, still he could not feel that either primarily or secondarilycould he be absolved27 from guilt for her death. He had plotted--had he not? He had not gone to her rescue whenhe might have. He had wished her dead and afterwards had not been sorry. In the blow that had brought about theupsetting of the boat had been some anger. Also in the mood that had not permitted him to strike. The facts thathe had been influenced by the beauty and position of Miss X to the plotting of this deed, and, after his evilrelations with Roberta, that she had been determined29 he should marry her, far from being points in extenuation30 ofhis actions, were really further evidence of his general earthly sin and guilt. Before the Lord then he had sinnedin many ways. In those dark days, alas31, as Mr. McMillan saw it, he was little more than a compound ofselfishness and unhallowed desire and fornication against the evil of which Paul had thundered. It had endured tothe end and had not changed--until he had been taken by the law. He had not repented--not even there at BearLake where he had time for thought. And besides, had he not, from the beginning to end, bolstered32 it with falseand evil pretenses33? Verily.
On the other hand, no doubt if he were sent to the chair now in the face of his first--and yet so clearmanifestation of contrition-- when now, for the first time he was beginning to grasp the enormity of his offense-itwould be but to compound crime with crime--the state in this instance being the aggressor. For, like the wardenand many others, McMillan was against capital punishment--preferring to compel the wrong-doer to serve thestate in some way. But, none-the-less, he felt himself compelled to acknowledge, Clyde was far from innocent.
Think as he would--and however much spiritually he desired to absolve28 him, was he not actually guilty?
In vain it was that McMillan now pointed out to Clyde that his awakened34 moral and spiritual understanding moreperfectly and beautifully fitted him for life and action than ever before. He was alone. He had no one whobelieved in him. NO ONE. He had no one, whom, in any of his troubled and tortured actions before that crimesaw anything but the darkest guilt apparently35. And yet--and yet--(and this despite Sondra and the ReverendMcMillan and all the world for that matter, Mason, the jury at Bridgeburg, the Court of Appeals at Albany, if itshould decide to confirm the jury at Bridgeburg), he had a feeling in his heart that he was not as guilty as they allseemed to think. After all they had not been tortured as he had by Roberta with her determination that he marryher and thus ruin his whole life. They had not burned with that unquenchable passion for the Sondra of hisbeautiful dream as he had. They had not been harassed36, tortured, mocked by the ill-fate of his early life andtraining, forced to sing and pray on the streets as he had in such a degrading way, when his whole heart and soulcried out for better things. How could they judge him, these people, all or any one of them, even his own mother,when they did not know what his own mental, physical and spiritual suffering had been? And as he lived throughit again in his thoughts at this moment the sting and mental poison of it was as real to him as ever. Even in theface of all the facts and as much as every one felt him to be guilty, there was something so deep within him thatseemed to cry out against it that, even now, at times, it startled him. Still--there was the Reverend McMillan--hewas a very fair and just and merciful man. Surely he saw all this from a higher light and better viewpoint than hisown. While at times he felt strongly that he was innocent, at others he felt that he must be guilty.
Oh, these evasive and tangled37 and torturesome thoughts!! Would he never be able--quite--to get the whole thingstraightened out in his own mind?
So Clyde not being able to take advantage truly of either the tenderness and faith and devotion of so good andpure a soul as the Reverend McMillan or the all merciful and all powerful God of whom here he stood as theambassador. What was he to do, really? How pray, resignedly, unreservedly, faithfully? And in that mood--and because of the urge of the Reverend Duncan, who was convinced by Clyde's confession38 that he must have beencompletely infused with the spirit of God, once more thumbing through the various passages and chapterspointed out to him--reading and re-reading the Psalms39 most familiar to him, seeking from their inspiration tocatch the necessary contrition--which once caught would give him that peace and strength which in those longand dreary40 hours he so much desired. Yet never quite catching41 it.
Parallel with all this, four more months passed. And at the end of that time--in January, 19--, the Court ofAppeals finding (Fulham, Jr., reviewing the evidence as offered by Belknap and Jephson)-- with Kincaid, Briggs,Truman and Dobshutter concurring42, that Clyde was guilty as decided43 by the Cataraqui County jury andsentencing him to die at some time within the week beginning February 28th or six weeks later--and saying inconclusion:
"We are mindful that this is a case of circumstantial evidence and that the only eyewitness44 denies that death wasthe result of crime. But in obedience45 to the most exacting46 requirements of that manner of proof, the counsel forthe people, with very unusual thoroughness and ability has investigated and presented evidence of a greatnumber of circumstances for the purpose of truly solving the question of the defendant's guilt or innocence47.
"We might think that the proof of some of these facts standing4 by themselves was subject to doubt by reason ofunsatisfactory or contradictory48 evidence, and that other occurrences might be so explained or interpreted as to bereconcilable with innocence. The defense--and very ably--sought to enforce this view.
"But taken all together and considered as a connected whole, they make such convincing proof of guilt that weare not able to escape from its force by any justifiable49 process of reasoning and we are compelled to say that notonly is the verdict not opposed to the weight of evidence, and to the proper inference to be drawn from it, butthat it is abundantly justified50 thereby51. Decision of the lower court unanimously confirmed."On hearing this, McMillan, who was in Syracuse at the time, hurrying to Clyde in the hope that before the newswas conveyed officially, he should be there to encourage him spiritually, since, only with the aid of the Lord, ashe saw it--the eternal and ever present help in trouble--would Clyde be able to endure so heavy a blow. Andfinding him--for which he was most deeply grateful--wholly unaware52 of what had occurred, since no news ofany kind was conveyed to any condemned man until the warrant for his execution had arrived.
After a most tender and spiritual conversation--in which he quoted from Matthew, Paul and John as to theunimportance of this world--the true reality and joy of the next--Clyde was compelled to learn from McMillanthat the decision of the court had gone against him. And that though McMillan talked of an appeal to theGovernor which he--and some others whom he was sure to be able to influence would make--unless theGovernor chose to act, within six weeks, as Clyde knew, he would be compelled to die. And then, once the forceof that fact had finally burst on him--and while McMillan talked on about faith and the refuge which the mercyand wisdom of God provided--Clyde, standing before him with more courage and character showing in his faceand eyes than at any time previously53 in his brief and eager career.
"So they decided against me. Now I will have to go through that door after all,--like all those others. They'll drawthe curtains for me, too. Into that other room--then back across the passage--saying good-bye as I go, like thoseothers. I will not be here any more." He seemed to be going over each step in his mind--each step with which he was so familiar, only now, for the first time, he was living it for himself. Now, in the face of this dread54 news,which somehow was as fascinating as it was terrible, feeling not as distrait55 or weak as at first he had imagined hewould be. Rather, to his astonishment56, considering all his previous terror in regard to this, thinking of what hewould do, what he would say, in an outwardly calm way.
Would he repeat prayers read to him by the Reverend McMillan here? No doubt. And maybe gladly, too. Andyet-In his momentary57 trance he was unconscious of the fact that the Reverend Duncan was whispering:
"But you see we haven't reached the end of this yet. There is a new Governor coming into office in January. Heis a very sensible and kindly58 man, I hear. In fact I know several people who know him--and it is my plan to seehim personally--as well as to have some other people whom I know write him on the strength of what I will tellthem."But from Clyde's look at the moment, as well as what he now said, he could tell that he was not listening.
"My mother. I suppose some one ought to telegraph her. She is going to feel very bad." And then: "I don'tsuppose they believed that those letters shouldn't have been introduced just as they were, did they? I thoughtmaybe they would." He was thinking of Nicholson.
"Don't worry, Clyde," replied the tortured and saddened McMillan, at this point more eager to take him in hisarms and comfort him than to say anything at all. "I have already telegraphed your mother. As for that decision--Iwill see your lawyers right away. Besides--as I say--I propose to see the Governor myself. He is a new man, yousee."Once more he was now repeating all that Clyde had not heard before.
即使是两天以后，克莱德那种颓丧的心态，麦克米伦牧师还是一眼就看出来了，因此很想了解一下原因何在。最近以来，根据克莱德的态度，他自然而然地深信无疑:
他历次来监狱探望(如果说还不是指他宣扬的全部教义)所得到的反应，并不象他原先希望那么热烈，不过也看得出来，克莱德已在逐渐接受他的那一套宗教观点了。他觉得他规劝克莱德时说过颓丧和绝望都是很傻这类话，还是收效不小。"怎么啦!
天惠神赐的安宁不是唾手可得吗?
只须开口要就行了。
凡是寻找上帝而又找到了的人(反正他只要去寻找准能找到)，见到的不是悲伤，只是欢乐。'
''''上帝将他的灵赐给我们，从此就知道我们是住在他里面，他也住在我们里面。，(引自《圣经。新约。约翰一书》第４章第１３节。)"他就是这么宣扬教义或是援引《圣经》上那些话……到后来……克莱德在接到桑德拉的信过了两周以后，因为这封信使他精神上一厥不振，万念俱灰，终于想到，不妨请麦克米伦牧师跟典狱长说一说，允许他住进别的一间牢房或是一个单间，反正离开这里远些(克莱德觉得自己痛苦的思绪简直太多了，充满了这间牢房)，以便跟他谈谈，听取他的忠告。他跟麦克米伦牧师说，他对不久前自己碰到的所有一切遭际，究竟该负多大责任，看来还不能理解，因此，麦克米伦已经谈得很多的有关心灵的安宁，他好象怎么都找不到。也许……一定是他的观点出了什么差错。其实，他很愿意把他被指控并被定了罪一事从头至尾跟麦克米伦牧师谈一谈，看看自己在认识上有什么错误。如今，连他自己也不免有点儿半信半疑了。麦克米伦听后感动极了……据他看来，这对拯救灵魂来说是一次了不起的胜利……也是对信仰和祈祷的真正奖赏啊。他马上就去找典狱长，典狱长也很乐意为这事效劳。于是，麦克米伦获准可以使用老死牢里一间牢房(他需要使用多久，就可以使用多久)。而且，麦克米伦跟克莱德晤面时，可以不受监视……只有一名狱警在外面过道里站岗值勤。
在那里，克莱德向麦克米伦牧师和盘托出了自己跟罗伯达和桑德拉的关系。
不过，因为所有这一切在庭审时都已讲过了，所以，他仅仅提到了一些最重要的证据……除了他自己的申辩以外，也就是所谓回心转意这一说法;过后，他特别详细讲到了自己跟罗伯达在小船上那个致命的插曲。既然他早就策划过……因此一开头也就有此意……他很想知道麦克米伦牧师的看法，他究竟是不是有罪呢?
……特别是因为他对桑德拉如此倾倒，对她还抱有那么多的梦想……这是不是也构成了凶杀罪呢?
据他说，他之所以这么提问，因为这就是他在当时实实在在的情况……而不是象他在庭审作证时所说的那样。说他回心转意，那才是谎话。是他的两位辩护律师给被告辩护琢磨出来的好点子，因为他们不认为他是有罪的，并且认为这一计划方案才是达到无罪获释的捷径。但那是弥天大谎。
再说，当罗伯达站起来想向他这边走过来以前和以后，他在小船上的心态……还有那一砸，以及在这以后的情况……这些当时他也都没有把真相说出来……确切些说，不是全部真相。至于那无意之中的一砸，现在他倒是很想弄清楚的，因为它对于他对宗教默念的尝试……他要清清白白地去见(如果说一定要见的话)创世主的心愿……会有影响，(当时他没有说明，其实，他并不是想这样去见创世主的)……其中有很多地方他还不能完全弄清楚，即使对自己来说也一样。事实上，哪怕是现在他自己觉得还有很多地方是难以捉摸，乃至于解释不清的。
他在法庭上说他对她并没有勃然大怒……还说他回心转意了。但是，他并没有回心转意。事实上，就在她站起来向他这边走过来以前，他已处于一种复杂。
困惑的心态之中，正如现在他所说的，几乎陷入昏睡或是麻痹瘫痪了，但是由于……由于什么引起的，连他也都说不清楚。一开头，他……或是过后……都是这么认为，一方面是由于怜悯罗伯达……或者至少是觉得自己对她太残酷，竟然打算砸她而感到害臊。另一方面，也是由于动怒了……说不定还有仇恨……因为她硬是逼着他做他所不愿做的事。第三……其实，他对这一点还不敢那么肯定……(他对这一点思考了很久，可是即便现在，他还是不敢那么肯定)……也许对这么一起罪行的后果还是心里惧怕……虽然在那时候，就象他现在一样，他心里想到的不是那些后果……或是别的什么……而偏偏是他没有能耐做他后来终于做了的事情……因此才恼羞成怒。
不过，当她站起来，想朝他这边走过来时，在他无意的一砸之中，倒是对她有些恼火的，因为压根儿不要她向他这边走过来。也许正是因为这样……即使现在，他委实还不能肯定……这一砸才会有那么大的冲劲。不管怎么样，反正事后他不能不老是想到这件事。不过，那也是事实:
当时他站起来，就是要想救她……尽管他心里还恨她哩。而且，他对那一砸……至少在那一刹那……还很难过。不过，小船一翻掉，他们俩都落了水的时候……在这一片混乱之中，她往湖底下沉的时候，他脑际确实掠过一个闪念:
"随她去吧。"因为这样他就可以趁此机会把她摆脱掉了。是的，当时他就是这么想的。不过，另外还有这么一个事实，贝尔纳普和杰夫森两位先生也都指出过:
他自始至终神魂颠倒地迷恋着某某小姐，这才是造成这一惨剧的最主要原因。不过，现在麦克米伦牧师把前前后后的一切情况都考虑过了……比方说，那无意之中的一砸，还是包含着恼怒的成分……对她是有忿怒不满的情绪……确实是这样的……还有，在这以后，他并没有去搭救她……现有……他已经老老实实……实话实说了……麦克米伦牧师是不是认为:
那就构成了凶杀罪……致命的杀人罪，因此从良心上和法律上来看，也许他可以说是应该处以死刑?
他是不是这样呢?
他很希望知道，这是为了他自己灵魂的安宁……比方说，也许他就能祈祷了。
麦克米伦牧师听了这一切，感到非常震惊……他一辈子都没有听到过，或者有人给他讲过这么一个错综复杂。难以理解，而又稀奇古怪的问题……除此以外，克莱德对他又是那么信任，那么尊重。这时，他纹丝不动地坐在他面前，心里挺难过地，甚至紧张不安地陷入深思之中……这个要他发表意见的请求，是多么严峻。重要……他知道，克莱德就希望能从他的意见中得到尘世间和心灵上的安宁。可是尽管这样，麦克米伦牧师自己也感到困惑不解，没法马上回答他。
"在你跟她一起上小船以前，克莱德，你对她还没有变心……你存心想要……想要……"麦克米伦牧师的脸是灰白而又憔悴，两眼充满了忧伤。这时，他觉得，他听到的是一个可悲而又可怕的故事……一个邪恶的残忍的自我折磨。自我毁灭的故事。这个年轻的孩子……说真的……!
他的那颗炽热而焦躁不安的心，分明是因为缺少许许多多东西就起来反抗了，而那些东西，他麦克米伦牧师则是从来不缺的。而且，正是由于那种反抗，才造成了邪恶的后果，招来了杀身之祸，被判处死刑。说真的，麦克米伦牧师心里感到难过，思想上也是极端苦恼。
"不，我没有变心。""据你说，你由于自己太软弱，没法照你设想过的计划去干，就对自己动火，是吧?
""是的，有点儿是象那样的。不过，您知道，那时候我心里也难过。也许还害怕哩。现在我可说不准。也许是……也许不是。"麦克米伦牧师直摇头。奇怪!
这么难以理解!
这么邪恶!
可是……"据你说，因为是她把你逼到那样窘境，你就同时对她很恼火，是吧?
""是的。""逼得你非要解决这个如此恼人的问题，是吧?
""是的。""Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
那时你就想到要砸她了。""是的，我是想到了。""可你下不了手。""下不了手。""感谢上帝仁慈为怀。不过，在你那一砸……无意的一砸之中……据你自己说……对她还有些恼火呢。所以说，这一砸就会有这么……这么冲劲。你果真不要她走近你身边，是吧?
""是的，我果真不要。反正我想那时我是不要。我现在还说不准。也许那时候我有点儿神志不清。不管怎么说……我想是，我激动极了……差点儿要恶心了。我……我……"克莱德身穿囚服……头发剪成平头，那么短短的，坐在那里，一本正经地想要回忆清楚当时(确实)是什么样的，可他感到最苦恼的，是连自己也说不清……他到底是犯了罪，还是没有犯罪。他有罪……还是无罪?
还有那位麦克米伦牧师呢……他本人也紧张极了，只好自言自语道:
"引到灭亡，那门是宽的，路是大的。"(引自《圣经。新约。马太福音》第７章第１３节。)但是后来他又找补着说:
"不过你确实站起来要搭救她的。""是的，后来，我是站起来了。我原来想在她还没有摔倒以前把她拉住的。
这么一来没想到把小船给弄翻了。""你真的想要拉住她吗?
""我不知道。我想，在那一刹那，我是这么想的。我想，反正我心里觉得很难过。""不过，现在你能不能就象在创世主跟前，真的肯定说:
那时你心里觉得很难过……或是说当时你是想搭救她的?
""您知道，这一切来得那么快，"克莱德不安地说……几乎很绝望，"所以，我简直也记不真切了。不，我也不知道当时自己究竟是不是很难过。不。您知道，说真的，我到现在还不明白哩。有的时候，我想，也许我是难过的，有一点儿难过。有的时候，我觉得也许并没有难过。不过，在她沉入湖底，我游到岸上以后，突然我心里感到……有一点儿……难过。但是，您知道，毕竟是自由了，我也有点儿高兴，可是我又害怕……您知道……""是的。我知道。你是想到某某小姐那里去呗。可是，当时她已经落水，你就离开……?
""没有。""可你并不想去搭救她吧?
""不。""Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
那时候，你心里不觉得难过?
不觉得害臊?
""是的，也许觉得害臊。也许还觉得有一点儿难过。我知道，这一切多可怕。
当然罗，我觉得，这一切多可怕。可是反正……您知道……""是的，我知道。那位某某小姐。你想要滑脚溜掉。""是的……不过主要是我吓懵了，而且我不想去搭救她。""是啊!
是啊!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
Ｔｓｔ!
要是她淹死了，你就可以到某某小姐那里去了。你想到的就是那些，是吗?
"麦克米伦牧师的嘴唇伤心地紧闭着。
"是的。""我的孩子!
我的孩子!
那意味着，你心里就犯有杀人罪了。""是的，是的，"克莱德若有所思地说。"后来我一直在想，当时一定就是那样的。"麦克米伦牧师沉吟不语，但是不一会儿，为了激励自己去完成这项任务，就开始祈祷……只不过是默默地祈祷……而且是独自祈祷:
"我们在天上的父，愿人都尊你的名为圣。愿你的国降临。愿你的旨意行在地上，如同行在天上。"(引自《圣经。新约。马太福音》第６章第９。１０节。)过了半晌，他仿佛才又苏醒过来。
"啊，克莱德，你听着。所有罪孽都能得到仁慈的上帝宽恕。这我可知道。
他差遣他的儿子来，是为了世人赎罪而死的。你的罪孽一定会得到他的宽恕……只要你愿意忏悔。但那是一种意图呀!
那又是一种行动呀!
许多事情你应该好好祈祷求赦，我的孩子……事情还多着哩。啊，是的。因为，在上帝眼里，我怕只怕……是的……可是……我必须祷告，祈求上帝启示。这是一个离奇而可怕的故事。方方面面那么多。也许……反正只有祈祷吧。现在跟我一起祷告，祈求上帝把光赐给你和我吧。"他低下了头，默默地坐了一会儿……克莱德也默默地坐在他跟前，被心中疑问苦恼着。过了一会儿，麦克米伦牧师才开始说道;"耶和华啊，求你不要在怒中责备我;也不要在烈怒中惩罚我，耶和华啊，求你可怜我，因为我软弱。(引自《圣经。旧约。诗篇》第６篇第１。２节。)在我羞耻悲痛的时候，求你医治我，因为我的心受了伤，在你眼前是漆黑一团的。
啊，宽恕我心中的罪恶吧。凭你的公义，上帝啊，引领我。啊，宽恕我心中的罪恶，别再记住它。"克莱德低下头，纹丝不动地坐着……一动也不动。如今，他自己终于也震惊了，满怀悲伤了。毫无疑问，他犯了滔天大罪，罪孽深重!
而且还……可是麦克米伦牧师祷告完毕，站起身来，他也跟着站了起来。麦克米伦找补着说:
"不过现在我该走了。我还得祈祷……思考思考。你讲的这一切，使我感到很困惑，也很激动。啊，激动极了，主啊。还有你呀……我的孩子……你回去就祈祷……独自一人祈祷。你要忏悔。跪下来祈求上帝宽恕，他会听到你的。是的，他会的。明天……或者说，只要我真的觉得马上能来……我就会再来的。但是，不要绝望。要不断地祈祷……因为只有在祈祷中，在祈祷和忏悔中，灵魂才能得救。要信赖他的威力，大千世界就在他的掌心里。在他的威力和仁慈之中，才能得到安宁和宽恕。啊，真的就是这样。"他用随身带着的小小的钥匙圈敲了一下铁门，狱警一听到，马上应声走过来。
麦克米伦牧师先送克莱德回牢房，看到他又被关进与世隔绝的笼子后就告别往外走了，刚才他听到的这一切，如同沉重的石头压在他心上。克莱德则独自一人沉思默想着刚才所说的这一切……以及这对麦克米伦和他自己会有什么影响。他这位新朋友心情是多么悲痛欲绝。他有倾听这一切时显然露出极大的痛苦和惊愕。他确实有罪吗?
因此，他真的应该被处以死刑吗?
也许麦克米伦牧师会这样判断吗?
哪怕是他那么温和，那么仁慈，也还会这样判断吗?
这样又过去了一星期……在这段时间里，麦克米伦牧师看到克莱德好象颇有忏悔之意，又听了他陈述的那些让人迷惑不解而又情有可原的情况，先是深为感动，接着非常顶真地就这个案子中有关道德的每个方面都反复思考过了。
随后，麦克米伦牧师又来到他的牢房门口……不过，他来的目的，只是向他说明:
克莱德上次如实供述的那些事实，即便是非常宽宏大量来加以解释，他仍然觉得，他对她的惨死还是罪责难逃……直接的或是间接的……罪责难逃。事前他曾经策划过……可不是吗?
分明是他能够搭救她，可他并没有去搭救她。他巴不得她死，而且过后心里并不觉得难过。把小船打翻的那一砸之中，有一些恼怒的成份。他下不了手，不能动手砸她，即使在这种感情里也还有一些恼怒的成份，以下这两个事实……某某小姐的花容玉貌和社会地位驱使他策划了阴谋，以及他跟罗伯达发生了邪恶的关系以后她坚持要他跟她结婚……非但不是情有可原，不能减轻他的罪行，恰好相反，只是更加证明他的罪孽和罪行该有何等深重。他在主的面前在许多方面犯了罪。麦克米伦先生认为，在那些黑暗的日子里，多么不幸啊，他只不过是自私。亵渎的欲念和淫乱的混合体，而这种邪恶，也正是保罗严厉斥责过的。不过，这种邪恶却延续下去，始终不变，直至最后他受到了法律制裁。他并没有忏悔过……即便到了熊湖，已经有了足够时间思考，他也不忏悔。再说，他自始至终还使用各种虚伪。邪恶的托词来敷衍搪塞，可不是吗?
真的就是这样。
另一方面，当他第一次有那么明显的忏悔的征兆时，当他第一次开始意识到他罪行的严重性时，如果说就在这时候把他送上电椅，那么毫无疑问，只能是在罪上再加罪……在这一事例中，犯错误的恐怕要算是国家了。因为，麦克米伦如同典狱长和其他许多人一样，都是反对死刑的，认为还不如强迫违法者以这种或那种方式为国家服务。不过，到头来他还是不得不承认，克莱德远不是无辜的人。尽管他煞费苦心地想过，而且在心里也很愿意宽恕克莱德的罪行，但事实上克莱德不就是有罪的吗?
这时，麦克米伦向克莱德指明，说他觉醒了的道德上和思想上的认识，使他能够比过去更加完美地适应生活和行动。殊不知麦克米伦上面这些话，一点儿效果都没有。克莱德感到自己孤苦伶仃，世界上连一个相信他的人都没有。
一个都没有。在案发前他那些困惑不安而又饱受折磨的言行表现中，除了看到明显的最险恶的罪行以外，还能看到别的一些什么东西的人可以说是一个都没有。可是……可是……(而且，关于这件事，不管是桑德拉。麦克米伦，或是全世界所有的人，包括梅森。布里奇伯格的陪审团。奥尔巴尼的上诉法院全都在内，如果要确认布里奇伯格陪审团的判决的话)，他心里还是觉得:
他并非象他们认为的那样是有罪的。反正，象罗伯达硬逼他非要跟她结婚不可从而把他的一生给毁了，他是吃足这种苦头的，可他们毕竟都没有领受过。对于他美梦的化身桑德拉，他心中曾经充满着一种如同扑不灭的烈焰似的情欲，恐怕他们里头没有一个人会象他那样吧。他们压根儿不了解他在幼年时曾经被那种倒霉的命运困扰着，折磨着，嘲弄着，还强迫他如此低三下四地沿街唱诗祈祷，而在那时，他整个儿心灵却在呼唤着另一种美好的命运。他们这些人，不管是全体，还是其中哪一个人，甚至包括他亲生的母亲在内，既不了解他心灵上。肉体上。
思想上的痛苦，他们又怎能妄加判断他呢?
即便现在，他在心中默默地把这一切又重温了一遍，依然觉得心如刀割。尽管以上所述事实俱在，而且没有一个人认为他不是没有罪，可是，在他内心深处却有一种东西，仿佛在大声反抗，有时连他自己也会大吃一惊。不过话又说回来……麦克米伦牧师嘛……他为人非常公正。耿直。仁慈。当然，他肯定是从一个比克莱德更高的角度，更公正的观点来估量这一切的。因此，有的时候，他坚决认为克莱德是无辜的，可是也有的时候，他又觉得他一定是有罪的。
啊，这些难以捉摸。错综复杂而又折磨人的思绪啊!
难道说他就不能在自己心里……一劳永逸地……把这件事全过程闹清楚吗?
因此，克莱德实在无法从象麦克米伦牧师那样善良。纯洁的人的眷爱。虔诚和信念里，或是从至仁至慈。法力无边，并且以麦克米伦牧师作为使者的上帝那里得到真正慰藉。说真的，他该怎么办呢?
怎样才能顺从地。虔诚地。无保留地祈祷呢?
邓肯牧师看到克莱德在忏悔，坚信克莱德一定完全受到圣灵鼓舞，就一再规劝他，并将各种不同章节指点给他看。而克莱德则怀着这么一种心情再次一页页地翻阅……反复念了他最熟悉的那些《诗篇》，希望从中得到启发，领会忏悔的要害所在……只要一领会了，他就会得到他在漫长。忧闷的岁月里一心渴求过的安宁和力量。可他怎么也还是领会不了呀。
就这样，又过去了四个月。到了这段时间结束的时候……在一九××年一月……上诉法院(由小富勒姆复审了贝尔纳普和杰夫森所递交的证据)在金凯德。
布里格斯。特鲁曼和多布舒特同意下，根据卡塔拉基县陪审团的判决认定克莱德确实有罪，并判决克莱德应在二月二十八日起一周内(亦即六周后)处以死刑……最后还说:
"我们考虑到本案是以间接证据为主的案件，唯一的目击者否认死亡乃是罪行所造成的。但人民检察官为了切实解决被告究竟是否有罪这一问题，按照对这类证据所提出的极其严格的要求，以罕见的仔细周到和非凡的办案能力，进行了调查并向法院提出了大量间接证据。
"也许有人认为，其中某些事实根据，如果单独来看，显得证据不足或有矛盾，可能会使人产生疑问，另外还有一些情况，也许可以拿来说明或则解释，从而得出被告无辜这一结论。被告及其辩护律师……独具慧眼……竭力坚持这种观点。
"不过，把所有这些证据当作一个有机整体放在一起来审视，就构成了令人信服的罪证。这些罪证很有力量，我们就是用任何正当的逻辑推论也不能把它们推倒。因此，我们不得不认为:
判决不仅与很有分量的证据以及由此得出的恰当推论不抵触，而且相反，它得到它们的支持，被充分证明是正确的。本院一致同意，维持下级法院的原判。"当时麦克米伦正在锡拉丘兹，一听说这个消息，就马上去找克莱德，希望自己能在正式通知他以前赶到，在精神上给他一些鼓励。因为，依他看，只有在主……我们在危难时刻的永恒而无处不在的支柱……的帮助之下，克莱德才能经受得住那么沉重的打击。可是……使他得以大大地松一口气的是……他发现克莱德对于这事还一无所知。因为，在执行死刑的命令下达以前，任何消息都不得向已被判刑的罪犯透露的。
经过一次非常温馨而又令人鼓舞的谈话……谈话时，麦克米伦牧师援引了马太。保罗和约翰有关眼前浮生易朽，以及来世真正的欢乐之类的话……之后，克莱德万般无奈地从麦克米伦那里了解到上诉法院已作出对他极为不利的判决。此外，他还得悉，尽管麦克米伦谈到自己准备和另外几位他认为很有影响的人士一起向本州州长呼吁求救，但克莱德知道，如果说本州州长不愿出来干预，六周以内他也只好去死了。最后，这可怕的消息终于突然向他公开了……麦克米伦一面还在讲信仰是上帝的仁慈和智慧为凡夫俗子准备的庇护所……那时，克莱德却伫立在他跟前，脸上和眼里露出大无畏的勇气，这在他短暂而热切的一生中都是从来没有过的。
"那末，他们已作出对我极为不利的判决了。现在，反正我也得走那道门了……跟所有别的人一样。为了我也要把各牢房门帘……放下来。先领我到那边老死牢……然后穿过这过道，我就象不久前别人一样，一面走，一面跟大家告别。这儿再也不会有我这个人了。"他仿佛在心里逐一想起了行刑程序的所有细节……每一个细节他都已经那么熟悉，只不过现在他这是生平头一遭亲身体验到就是了。如今，他听了这个可怕的，不知怎么又有点儿强烈吸引人的致命消息，他并没有象他开头想象的那样魂不附体，或是一下子瘫软下来。而是，连他自己也觉得很惊诧，他在思考原先自己对这件事的恐惧，在思考眼前自己的言行表现该怎么样，外表看上去却很镇静。
他要不要再念念麦克米伦牧师在这里念给他听的那些祈祷文吗?
是的，当然要念。也许他还很乐意念呢。可是……在他神志昏迷的那一刹那，他没有听见麦克米伦牧师正在低声耳语道:
"可是，你别以为这事已经定论了。新州长将在一月间到职。我听说，他是个很敏感而又善良的人。其实，我还有好几位朋友跟他很熟……我打算亲自去见见他……还要请我的好几位朋友根据我的意思给他写信。"不过，从克莱德这时的神色和答话里，麦克米伦牧师心里知道:
克莱德刚才并没有在听他说话。
"我的母亲。我想，应该有人给她打个电报。谅她心里一定很难过。"接下来又说:
"我看，也许他们不会同意照本宣读那些信的，是吧?
我希望也许他们会这样同意的。"这时他想起了尼科尔森。
"别担心，克莱德，"麦克米伦煞费苦心和满怀悲伤地回答说。此时此刻，他觉得再说什么也是无济于事，最好还是把他搂在自己怀里，百般安慰他。"我早就打电报给你母亲了。至于判决这件事……我马上去找你的辩护律师。还有……我已向你说过了……我打算亲自去见见州长。你知道，他是新来的。"接着，他把克莱德刚才没有听见的那些话又念叨了一遍。
收听单词发音 |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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warden
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| n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人 | |
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offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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defense
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| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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obsession
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| n.困扰，无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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wrestle
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| vi.摔跤，角力；搏斗；全力对付 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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rebuke
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| v.指责，非难，斥责 [反]praise | |
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contrition
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| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
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salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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abounding
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| adj.丰富的，大量的v.大量存在，充满，富于( abound的现在分词 ) | |
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miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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wrestled
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| v.（与某人）搏斗( wrestle的过去式和过去分词 )；扭成一团；扭打；（与…）摔跤 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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absolved
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| 宣告…无罪，赦免…的罪行，宽恕…的罪行( absolve的过去式和过去分词 )； 不受责难，免除责任 [义务] ,开脱（罪责） | |
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absolve
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| v.赦免，解除（责任等） | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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extenuation
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| n.减轻罪孽的借口；酌情减轻；细 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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bolstered
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| v.支持( bolster的过去式和过去分词 )；支撑；给予必要的支持；援助 | |
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pretenses
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| n.借口（pretense的复数形式） | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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harassed
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| adj. 疲倦的，厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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psalms
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| n.赞美诗( psalm的名词复数 )；圣诗；圣歌；(中的) | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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concurring
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| 同时发生的，并发的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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eyewitness
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| n.目击者，见证人 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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contradictory
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| adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立 | |
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justifiable
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| adj.有理由的，无可非议的 | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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distrait
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| adj.心不在焉的 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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