The personal conviction and force of such an individual as the Reverend McMillan, while in one sense an oldstory to Clyde and not anything which so late as eighteen months before could have moved him in any way(since all his life he had been accustomed to something like it), still here, under these circumstances, affectedhim differently. Incarcerated2, withdrawn3 from the world, compelled by the highly circumscribed4 nature of thisdeath house life to find solace5 or relief in his own thoughts, Clyde's, like every other temperament6 similarlylimited, was compelled to devote itself either to the past, the present or the future. But the past was so painful tocontemplate at any point. It seared. and burned. And the present (his immediate8 surroundings) as well as thefuture with its deadly fear of what was certain to happen in case his appeal failed, were two phases equallyfrightful to his waking consciousness.
What followed then was what invariably follows in the wake of every tortured consciousness. From what itdreads or hates, yet knows or feels to be unescapable, it takes refuge in that which may be hoped for--or at leastimagined. But what was to be hoped for or imagined? Because of the new suggestion offered by Nicholson, anew trial was all that he had to look forward to, in which case, and assuming himself to be acquitted9 thereafter,he could go far, far away--to Australia--or Africa--or Mexico--or some such place as that, where, under adifferent name--his old connections and ambitions relating to that superior social life that had so recentlyintrigued him, laid aside, he might recover himself in some small way. But directly in the path of that hopefulimagining, of course, stood the death's head figure of a refusal on the part of the Court of Appeals to grant him anew trial. Why not--after that jury at Bridgeburg? And then--as in that dream in which he turned from the tangleof snakes to face the tramping rhinoceros11 with its two horns--he was confronted by that awful thing in theadjoining room--that chair! That chair! Its straps12 and its flashes which so regularly dimmed the lights in thisroom. He could not bear to think of his entering there--ever. And yet supposing his appeal was refused! Away!
He would like to think no more about it.
But then, apart from that what was there to think of? It was that very question that up to the time of the arrival ofthe Rev1. Duncan McMillan, with his plea for a direct and certainly (as he insisted) fruitful appeal to the Creatorof all things, that had been definitely torturing Clyde. Yet see--how simple was his solution!
"It was given unto you to know the Peace of God," he insisted, quoting Paul and thereafter sentences fromCorinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, on how easy it was--if Clyde would but repeat and pray as he had asked himto--for him to know and delight in the "peace that passeth all understanding." It was with him, all around him. He had but to seek; confess the miseries13 and errors of his heart, and express contrition14. "Ask, and ye shall receive;seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For EVERY ONE that asketh, receiveth; and hethat seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. For what man is there of you whom, if his sonask bread, will give him a stone; or, if he ask fish, will give him a serpent?" So he quoted, beautifully andearnestly.
And yet before Clyde always was the example of his father and mother. What had they? It had not availed themmuch--praying. Neither, as he noticed here, did it appear to avail or aid these other condemned15 men, the majorityof whom lent themselves to the pleas or prayers of either priest or rabbi or minister, one and the other of whomwas about daily. Yet were they not led to their death just the same--and complaining or protesting, or mad likeCutrone, or indifferent? As for himself, up to this he had not been interested by any of these. Bunk16. Notions. Ofwhat? He could not say. Nevertheless, here was the appealing Rev. Duncan McMillan. His mild, serene17 eyes. Hissweet voice. His faith. It moved and intrigued10 Clyde deeply. Could there--could there? He was so lonely--sodespairing--so very much in need of help.
Was it not also true (the teaching of the Rev. McMillan-- influencing him to that extent at least) that if he had leda better life--had paid more attention to what his mother had said and taught--not gone into that house ofprostitution in Kansas City--or pursued Hortense Briggs in the evil way that he had--or after her, Roberta--hadbeen content to work and save, as no doubt most men were--would he not be better off than he now was? Butthen again, there was the fact or truth of those very strong impulses and desires within himself that were so very,very hard to overcome. He had thought of those, too, and then of the fact that many other people like his mother,his uncle, his cousin, and this minister here, did not seem to be troubled by them. And yet also he was given toimagining at times that perhaps it was because of superior mental and moral courage in the face of passions anddesires, equivalent to his own, which led these others to do so much better. He was perhaps just willfullydevoting himself to these other thoughts and ways, as his mother and McMillan and most every one else whomhe had heard talk since his arrest seemed to think.
What did it all mean? Was there a God? Did He interfere19 in the affairs of men as Mr. McMillan was nowcontending? Was it possible that one could turn to Him, or at least some creative power, in some such hour asthis and when one had always ignored Him before, and ask for aid? Decidedly one needed aid under suchcircumstances--so alone and ordered and controlled by law--not man--since these, all of them, were the veriestservants of the law. But would this mysterious power be likely to grant aid? Did it really exist and hear theprayers of men? The Rev. McMillan insisted yes. "He hath said God hath forgotten; He hideth His face. But Hehas not forgotten. He has not hidden His face." But was that true? Was there anything to it? Tortured by the needof some mental if not material support in the face of his great danger, Clyde was now doing what every otherhuman in related circumstances invariably does--seeking, and yet in the most indirect and involute and all butunconscious way, the presence or existence at least of some superhuman or supernatural personality or powerthat could and would aid him in some way--beginning to veer--however slightly or unconsciously as yet,--towardthe personalization and humanization of forces, of which, except in the guise21 of religion, he had not the faintestconception. "The Heavens declare the Glory of God, and the Firmament22 sheweth His handiwork." He recalledthat as a placard in one of his mother's mission windows. And another which read: "For He is Thy life and Thylength of Days." Just the same--and far from it as yet, even in the face of his sudden predisposition toward theRev. Duncan McMillan, was he seriously moved to assume that in religion of any kind was he likely to findsurcease from his present miseries?
And yet the weeks and months going by--the Rev. McMillan calling regularly thereafter, every two weeks at thelongest, sometimes every week and inquiring after his state, listening to his wants, advising him as to his healthand peace of mind. And Clyde, anxious to retain his interest and visits, gradually, more and more, yieldinghimself to his friendship and influence. That high spirituality. That beautiful voice. And quoting always suchsoothing things. "Brethren NOW are we the children of God. And it doth not yet appear what we shall be; but weknow that when He shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. And every man that has thishope in him purifieth himself even as He is pure.""Hereby know that we dwell in Him and He in us, because He hath given us of His spirit.""For ye are bought with a price.""Of His own will begot23 He us with the word of truth, and we should be a kind of first fruits of His creatures. Andevery good and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is novariableness, neither shadow of turning.""Draw nigh unto God and He will draw nigh unto you."He was inclined, at times, to feel that there might be peace and strength--aid, even--who could say, in appealingto this power. It was the force and the earnestness of the Rev. McMillan operating upon him.
And yet, the question of repentance--and with it confession25. But to whom? The Rev. Duncan McMillan, ofcourse. He seemed to feel that it was necessary for Clyde to purge26 his soul to him--or some one like him--amaterial and yet spiritual emissary of God. But just there was the trouble. For there was all of that falsetestimony he had given in the trial, yet on which had been based his appeal. To go back on that now, and whenhis appeal was pending27. Better wait, had he not, until he saw how that appeal had eventuated.
But, ah, how shabby, false, fleeting28, insincere. To imagine that any God would bother with a person who soughtto dicker in such a way. No, no. That was not right either. What would the Rev. McMillan think of him if heknew what he was thinking?
But again there was the troubling question in his own mind as to his real guilt29--the amount of it. True there wasno doubt that he had plotted to kill Roberta there at first--a most dreadful thing as he now saw it. For thecomplications and the fever in connection with his desire for Sondra having subsided30 somewhat, it was possibleon occasion now for him to reason without the desperate sting and tang of the mental state that had characterizedhim at the time when he was so immediately in touch with her. Those terrible, troubled days when in spite ofhimself--as he now understood it (Belknap's argument having cleared it up for him) he had burned with that wildfever which was not unakin in its manifestations31 to a form of insanity32. The beautiful Sondra! The gloriousSondra! The witchery and fire of her smile then! Even now that dreadful fever was not entirely33 out but onlysmoldering-- smothered34 by all of the dreadful things that had since happened to him.
Also, it must be said on his behalf now, must it not--that never, under any other circumstances, would he havesuccumbed to any such terrible thought or plot as that--to kill any one--let alone a girl like Roberta--unless he had been so infatuated--lunatic, even. But had not the jury there at Bridgeburg listened to that plea withcontempt? And would the Court of Appeals think differently? He feared not. And yet was it not true? Or was heall wrong? Or what? Could the Rev. McMillan or any one else to whom he would explain tell him as to that? Hewould like to talk to him about it--confess everything perhaps, in order to get himself clear on all this. Further,there was the fact that having plotted for Sondra's sake (and God, if no one else, knew that) he still had not beenable to execute it. And that had not been brought out in the trial, because the false form of defense35 used permittedno explanation of the real truth then--and yet it was a mitigating36 circumstance, was it not--or would the Rev.
McMillan think so? A lie had to be used, as Jephson saw it. But did that make it any the less true?
There were phases of this thing, the tangles37 and doubts involved in that dark, savage38 plot of his, as he now sawand brooded on it, which were not so easily to be disposed of. Perhaps the two worst were, first, that in bringingRoberta there to that point on that lake--that lone18 spot--and then growing so weak and furious with himselfbecause of his own incapacity to do evil, he had frightened her into rising and trying to come to him. And that inthe first instance made it possible for her to be thus accidentally struck by him and so made him, in part at least,guilty of that blow--or did it?--a murderous, sinful blow in that sense. Maybe. What would the Rev. McMillansay to that? And since because of that she had fallen into the water, was he not guilty of her falling? It was athought that troubled him very much now--his constructive39 share of guilt in all that. Regardless of whatOberwaltzer had said there at the trial in regard to his swimming away from her--that if she had accidentallyfallen in the water, it was no crime on his part, supposing he refused to rescue her,--still, as he now saw it, andespecially when taken in connection with all that he had thought in regard to Roberta up to that moment, it was acrime just the same, was it not? Wouldn't God--McMillan--think so? And unquestionably, as Mason had soshrewdly pointed40 out at the trial, he might have saved her. And would have too, no doubt, if she had beenSondra--or even the Roberta of the summer before. Besides, the fear of her dragging him down had been nodecent fear. (It was at nights in his bunk at this time that he argued and reasoned with himself, seeing thatMcMillan was urging him now to repent24 and make peace with his God.) Yes, he would have to admit that tohimself. Decidedly and instantly he would have sought to save her life, if it had been Sondra. And such being thecase, he would have to confess that--if he confessed at all to the Rev. McMillan--or to whomever else one toldthe truth--when one did tell it--the public at large perhaps. But such a confession once made, would it not surelyand truly lead to his conviction? And did he want to convict himself now and so die?
No, no, better wait a while perhaps--at least until the Court of Appeals had passed on his case. Why jeopardizehis case when God already knew what the truth was? Truly, truly he was sorry. He could see how terrible all thiswas now--how much misery41 and heartache, apart from the death of Roberta, he had caused. But still--still--wasnot life sweet? Oh, if he could only get out! Oh, if he could only go away from here--never to see or hear or feelanything more of this terrible terror that now hung over him. The slow coming dark--the slow coming dawn. Thelong night! The sighs--the groans42. The tortures by day and by night until it seemed at times as though he shouldgo mad; and would perhaps except for McMillan, who now appeared devoted43 to him--so kind, appealing andreassuring, too, at times. He would just like to sit down some day--here or somewhere--and tell him all and gethim to say how really guilty, if at all, he thought him to be--and if so guilty to get him to pray for him. At timeshe felt so sure that his mother's and the Rev. Duncan McMillan's prayers would do him so much more good withthis God than any prayers of his own would. Somehow he couldn't pray yet. And at times hearing McMillanpray, softly and melodiously44, his voice entering through the bars--or, reading from Galatians, Thessalonians,Corinthians, he felt as though he must tell him everything, and soon.
But the days going by until finally one day six weeks after--and when because of his silence in regard to himself,the Rev. Duncan was beginning to despair of ever affecting him in any way toward his proper contrition andsalvation--a letter or note from Sondra. It came through the warden45's office and by the hand of the Rev. PrestonGuilford, the Protestant chaplain of the prison, but was not signed. It was, however, on good paper, and becausethe rule of the prison so requiring had been opened and read. Nevertheless, on account of the nature of thecontents which seemed to both the warden and the Rev. Guilford to be more charitable and punitive46 thanotherwise, and because plainly, if not verifiably, it was from that Miss X of repute or notoriety in connectionwith his trial, it was decided20, after due deliberation, that Clyde should be permitted to read it--even that it wasbest that he should. Perhaps it would prove of value as a lesson. The way of the transgressor47. And so it washanded to him at the close of a late fall day--after a long and dreary48 summer had passed (soon a year since he hadentered here). And he taking it. And although it was typewritten with no date nor place on the envelope, whichwas postmarked New York--yet sensing somehow that it might be from her. And growing decidedly nervous--somuch so that his hand trembled slightly. And then reading--over and over and over--during many days thereafter:
"Clyde--This is so that you will not think that some one once dear to you has utterly49 forgotten you. She hassuffered much, too. And though she can never understand how you could have done as you did, still, even now,although she is never to see you again, she is not without sorrow and sympathy and wishes you freedom andhappiness."But no signature--no trace of her own handwriting. She was afraid to sign her name and she was too remote fromhim in her mood now to let him know where she was. New York! But it might have been sent there fromanywhere to mail. And she would not let him know--would never let him know--even though he died here later,as well he might. His last hope--the last trace of his dream vanished. Forever! It was at that moment, as whennight at last falls upon the faintest remaining gleam of dusk in the west. A dim, weakening tinge50 of pink--andthen the dark.
He seated himself on his cot. The wretched stripes of his uniform and his gray felt shoes took his eye. A felon51.
These stripes. These shoes. This cell. This uncertain, threatening prospect52 so very terrible to contemplate7 at anytime. And then this letter. So this was the end of all that wonderful dream! And for this he had sought sodesperately to disengage himself from Roberta--even to the point of deciding to slay53 her. This! This! He toyedwith the letter, then held it quite still. Where was she now? Who in love with, maybe? She had had time tochange perhaps. She had only been captivated by him a little, maybe. And then that terrible revelation inconnection with him had destroyed forever, no doubt, all sentiment in connection with him. She was free. Shehad beauty--wealth. Now some other-He got up and walked to his cell door to still a great pain. Over the way, in that cell the Chinaman had onceoccupied, was a Negro--Wash Higgins. He had stabbed a waiter in a restaurant, so it was said, who had refusedhim food and then insulted him. And next to him was a young Jew. He had killed the proprietor54 of a jewelrystore in trying to rob it. But he was very broken and collapsed55 now that he was here to die--sitting for the mostpart all day on his cot, his head in his hands. Clyde could see both now from where he stood--the Jew holding hishead. But the Negro on his cot, one leg above the other, smoking--and singing--"Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin' . . . hmp! Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin' . . . hmp! Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin' . . . hmp! Foh me! Fohme!"And then Clyde, unable to get away from his own thoughts, turning again.
Condemned to die! He. And this was the end as to Sondra. He could feel it. Farewell. "Although she is never tosee you again." He threw himself on his couch--not to weep but to rest--he felt so weary. Lycurgus. Fourth Lake.
Bear Lake. Laughter--kisses--smiles. What was to have been in the fall of the preceding year. And now--a yearlater.
But then,--that young Jew. There was some religious chant into which he fell when his mental tortures would nolonger endure silence. And oh, how sad. Many of the prisoners had cried out against it. And yet, oh, howappropriate now, somehow.
"I have been evil. I have been unkind. I have lied. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been unfaithful. My heart has beenwicked. I have joined with those who have done evil things. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have stolen. I have been false. I havebeen cruel! Oh! Oh! Oh!"And the voice of Big Tom Rooney sentenced for killing56 Thomas Tighe, a rival for the hand of an underworldgirl. "For Christ's sake! I know you feel bad. But so do I. Oh, for God's sake, don't do that!"Clyde, on his cot, his thoughts responding rhythmically57 to the chant of the Jew--and joining with him silently--"Ihave been evil. I have been unkind. I have lied. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been unfaithful. My heart has been wicked. Ihave joined with those who have done evil things. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been false. I have been cruel. I havesought to murder. Oh! Oh! Oh! And for what? A vain--impossible dream! Oh! Oh! Oh! . . . Oh! Oh! Oh! . . ."When the guard, an hour later, placed his supper on the shelf in the door, he made no move. Food! And when theguard returned in another thirty minutes, there it was, still untouched, as was the Jew's--and was taken away insilence. Guards knew when blue devils had seized the inmates58 of these cages. They couldn't eat. And there weretimes, too, when even guards couldn't eat.
要是在一年半以前，类似麦克米伦牧师这么一个人及其坚定的信仰和精神力量，未必会对克莱德有任何触动(因为他自幼起早已耳濡目染过这类事了)，可在此时此地对他的影响就迥然不同了。现在他羁于铁窗，与世隔绝，而且死牢里生活上管制甚严，不得不从个人沉思默想之中寻求安慰或解脱。克莱德有如遭受同样厄运的人一样，只好一门心思去想想自己的过去。现在或是将来。可是一想到过去，太痛苦了。如同烈火炙烤。而现在(他眼前的遭际)，还有令人发指的将来……万一上诉被驳回，最心寒的事势必发生。反正现在和将来他都清醒地意识到同样可怕。
随之而来不可避免地如同神志清醒的人备受折磨那样，为了逃避自己害怕的。或者憎恨的，但又知道躲不了的事，偏偏要到希望中……或者至少也是幻想中去聊以自慰。但克莱德所希望和幻想的又是什么呢?
由于尼科尔森出了那个新主意，他唯一能指望的就是复审……果能如此，并且假定说他能无罪获释的话，那他就不妨跑到很远。很远的地方……到澳大利亚……或是到非洲去……或是到墨西哥去……或是到任何类似地方去，在那里，另换一个名字……抛掉跟上流社会优越生活有关的旧关系和虚荣心(不久前这些还使他那样入迷)，也许多少能安分守己地开始过新生活。不过话又说回来，在这条尚存一线希望的幻想之路上，当然，还存在着死亡的影子:
上诉法院拒绝复审。为什么不会拒绝呢……因为已由布里奇伯格陪审团判决过了。于是……有如他梦里见过前面有一堆凶蛇，自己刚扭回头去不看，却又撞见了长着两只猗角的犀牛冲他而来……横在他眼前的，还有隔壁房间里那个令人毛骨悚然的东西……那张电椅!
那张电椅!
上面的带子，还有那让监狱里灯光照例发暗的电源。一想到有朝一日，万一会跨进隔壁房间，对他来说该有多么难受。不过，要是他上诉的请求被驳回呢!
不!
他再也不愿想这件事了。
不过，抛开这件事，还有什么别的好想呢?
这个问题一直在折磨着克莱德，直至邓肯。麦克米伦牧师来到，要他直接向万物的创造主恳求，(据牧师坚称)这样是肯定会有效果的。瞧，邓肯牧师解决问题的办法多么简单!
"上帝所赐出人意外的平安。"(引自《圣经。新约。腓立比书》第４章第７节。)他硬是援引了保罗的话。后来，他又援引了《哥林多书》。《加拉太书》。《以弗所书》(以上诸篇均见《圣经。新约》。)里的话，说只要克莱德能照他的吩咐不断祈祷，那末，克莱德要体味和喜爱那"高过所有大智大慧的平安"，该有多么容易。这种平安跟他同在，就在他周围。他只要去寻找，承认自己心中的惨痛过错，表示悔恨就得了。"你们祈求，就给你们。寻找，就寻见。叩门，就给你们开门。因为凡祈求的，就得着。寻找的，就寻见;叩门的，就给他开门。你们中间，谁有儿子求饼，反给他石头呢。求鱼，反给他蛇呢。"(引自《圣经。新约。
马太福音》第７章第７至１０节。)他就是那样以拳拳之心援引了《圣经》里的话。
可是摆在克莱德面前的，始终是他父母的例子。他们活了一辈子，找到了什么呢?
祈祷……并不特别帮他们忙。在这里，他发觉，对他的那些同监犯人来说，看来祈祷也帮不了什么忙，他们绝大多数洗耳恭听过神父。拉比或是牧师(他们每天总有人轮流到监狱里来)的恳求或是祈祷。可他们到时候还不是照样被提出去死……有的人大发牢骚，有的人大声抗议，有的人象卡特龙尼那样发了疯，有的人倒是满不在乎，可不是吗?
至于克莱德呢，到目前为止，他对这些神父里头哪一个都不感兴趣。全是一派胡言。痴心妄想罢了。那是为什么呢?
这个他却说不上来。可眼前是这么一个富有感染力的邓肯。麦克米伦牧师。瞧他那温和而又安详的眼睛。他那悦耳动听的声音。他那信仰。它感动了克莱德，把他深深地吸引住了。也许有可能……也许有可能?
他是那么孤零零的……那么绝望……那么迫切需要别人帮助。
难道说这不也是很真实(麦克米伦牧师的劝导……至少已使他受到这样的影响):
要是他过去能过上一种正派一些的生活……多一些听从他母亲所说的和开导的那些话……没有逛过堪萨斯城那家妓院……没有那么死乞白赖地去追求霍丹斯。布里格斯，或是继她之后的罗伯达……而是正如绝大多数人那样，安心工作，省吃俭用，那末，他的处境不是会比眼前好得多吗?
可是，另一方面，他与生俱有的那些极其强烈的冲动和欲念，很难加以制服，这既是事实，也是千真万确的。这些也都促使他思考过，而且还想到过，事实上，有很多人，比如他的母亲。伯父。堂兄和眼前的这位牧师，他们好象并没有被类似这些东西所困扰呀。然而，有时候他一个闪念又想到:
那些象他那样的情欲和欲念，也许他们都很熟悉，不过，正是因为他们能凭借自己卓越的精神和道德力量，所以处理起来也就非常容易了。也许他过去只是一心沉溺于这些思想感情之中。从他的母亲。麦克米伦和他被捕后听到的别人谈吐里，看来都有这种想法。
这一切到底意味着什么呢?
有上帝吗?
他真象麦克米伦先生此刻所说的那样干预凡夫俗子的事情吗?
过去你从来也不虔信他的，难道说在眼前这种时刻就能向他，或至少是向一个无所不能的力量，祈求帮助吗?
当然，在类似这样的情况下，你是需要帮助的……你是那么孤零零的，一切都受到法律……而不是人……的支配和管制……而你周围所有这些人，其实只不过是法律的奴隶罢了。不过，这个神秘的力量乐意帮助吗?
果真有这个神秘的力量吗?
能听到人们的祈祷吗?
麦克米伦牧师一个劲儿说能听到。"他心里说，上帝竟忘记了;他掩面。可他并没有忘记。他可并没有掩面。"(参见《圣经。旧约。诗篇》第１０篇第１１节。)但这是真实的吗?
可以相信它吗?
面临着死的灾难，克莱德正因渴求某种精神上(如果说不是物质上)的支持而遭受折磨，克莱德正在做的，正是任何一个人在类似情况下必定会做的……就是在寻求，只不过通过最间接的。错综复杂的。简直是无意识的方式在寻求某种能够和乐意以什么方式来拯救他的超人或是超自然的人格或是力量是否会出现，或则至少是存在着……而且他已开始转移方向……哪怕还是不够坚定，或是无意识地……转向这些力量的化身和合乎人性的原则，对于这种力量，除了以宗教的形式出现的以外，他一无所知。"诸天述说上帝的荣耀。苍穹传扬他的手段。"(引自《圣经。旧约。诗篇》第１９篇第１节。)他想起母亲的传道馆里一块窗上就有这么一块小牌子。另外还有一块小牌子说:
"因为他是你的生命，你的寿命。"不过尽管这样……哪怕是他对邓肯。麦克米伦牧师突然有了好感，他还远没有真的感动得认为说不定自己可以通过任何形式的宗教来摆脱他眼前种种的不幸。
可是眼看着日子却论周。论月地过去了……麦克米伦牧师来过以后，倒是还经常来探监的(时间最长两周一次，有时一周一次)，问问他的感觉，听听他有什么想法，而且对他身心的康宁也提出了一些劝告。克莱德深怕失去牧师对他的关怀，不再来探望他，也就越来越乐于接受他的友情和影响。那种崇高的精神境界。那种美妙动人的声音。他总是援引那些令人宽慰的话。"亲爱的弟兄啊，我们现在是上帝的儿女，将来如何，还未显明。但我们知道主若显现，我们必要象他。因为必得见他的真体。凡向他有这指望的，就洁净自己，象他洁净一样。(引自《圣经。新约。约翰一书》第３章第２节。)"上帝将他的灵赐给我们，从此就知道我们是住在他里面，他也住在我们里面。"(引自《圣经。新约。约翰一书》第４章第１３节。)"因为你们是重价买来的。"(参见《圣经。新约。哥林多前书》第６章第２０节。)"他按自己的旨意，用真道生了我们，叫我们在他所造的万物中，好象初熟的果子。各样美善的恩赐，和各样全备的赏赐，都是从上头来的。从众光之父那里降下来的。在他并没有改变，也没有转动的影儿。(引自《圣经。新约。雅各书》第１章第１７。１８节。)"你们亲近上帝，上帝就必亲近你们。"(同上第４章第８节。)有时，克莱德好象觉得向这个力量呼吁以后，也许能得到安宁和勇气……甚至还能得到帮助……有谁说得准呢。这是麦克米伦牧师的毅力和至诚正在他身上起作用呀。
不过还有悔悟问题……随之而来就得忏悔。可是向谁忏悔呢?
当然罗，向麦克米伦牧师。他仿佛认为克莱德必须在他面前……或是在象他一类的人……既具有上帝的精神又具有血肉之躯的使者面前把灵魂洗涤干净。可是，麻烦正出在这里。因为，他在受审时作了那么多伪证，而他的上诉就是以这些伪证作为基础的。现在就把这些伪证收回吗?
上诉已在待批了。最好还是等一等，等他知道上诉有什么结果再说，可不是吗?
唉，瞧他有多么寒伧，多么虚伪，多么善变，多么不诚恳。不妨想象一下，这么一个斤斤较量。净做小买卖的人，上帝会特别惠予照顾吗?
不，不。那也是要不得的。麦克米伦牧师要是知道他心里在想些什么，又会对他作何感想?
可是，他心里又有这么一个恼人的问题，就是有关他的具体罪行……量罪时该有多大。不错，他一开头就策划要在那里杀害罗伯达的，这是毫无疑问的……如今他才认识到，这是一件极其骇人的事，因为他渴求桑德拉时那种神魂颠倒和狂热劲儿现在已多少有所减退。有时，他已经能够冷静思考了，不象往日里跟她碰面时心里老是感到强烈的剧痛味道。现也他明白了。(经贝尔纳普辩护时一说，他心里就透亮了)在那些可怕而烦恼的日子里，他身不由己地被那种从表现来看已经迹近精神病的狂热燃烧起来。美丽的桑德拉!
了不起的桑德拉!
那时，她的一颦一笑多么火热，而又富有魔力!
即便到现在，那种可怕的烈焰并没有完全熄灭，还是在冒烟……只是被最近以来他遇到的所有可怕的事件熄灭了。
不过，还得替他说句公道话，可不是吗……那就是说，不论在什么情况下，他脑子里决不会冒出这么一种可怕的念头或是阴谋来……去杀害哪一个人……更不必说是象罗伯达那样一个姑娘了……除非他是迷了心窍……乃至于成了疯子。不过，那种辩护布里奇伯格陪审团听了，不是觉得根本不予考虑吗?
上诉法院会有不同的想法吗?
恐怕不会。不过，难道这不是真实的吗?
难道说是他全都错了?
还是怎么的?
这事要是他详细解释给麦克米伦牧师听，或者不论是谁听，他们能向他回答这个问题吗?
他要把这事对麦克米伦牧师说了……也许对一切全都坦白承认，把自己在所有这些事上的情况都讲清楚。再说，还有这一事实:
为桑德拉而把阴谋策划好以后(这事尽管人们不知道，但上帝是知道的)，到头来他并没有能耐付诸实行。而且，在庭审时并没有提到这一点，因为那时候采用了说假话的方式进行辩护，就不允许按照事实真相来解释的……不过，这是可使罪行减轻的情节，可不是吗……麦克米伦牧师会不会就这么想呢?
当时杰夫森硬是要他撒谎的。不过，那么一来，难道说事实真相也就不成其为事实真相了吗?
现在，他回想他这个险恶。残酷的阴谋时方才明白，其中有些部分，存在某些纠缠不清和疑惑不定的难点，要把它们交代清楚可真不易。最严重的也许有两点:
第一，把罗伯达带到湖上那么一个荒凉的地点，然后，突然感到自己没能耐做坏事，就胆怯荏弱，对自己感到非常恼火，吓得罗伯达站了起来，想朝他这边走过去。这么一来，先是让她有可能被他在无意之中给砸了一下，而他因为这一砸至少在某种程度上说有了罪……到底是不是呢?
……从这个意义上来看，那是致命。有罪的一砸。也许是这样的。麦克米伦牧师对这事会怎么说呢?
再说，既然她因为这么一砸掉到湖里去了，那末，他对她落水一事不是也有罪吗?
现在他一想到自己对造成这一悲剧事实上有罪，就觉得非常苦恼。不管奥伯沃泽在审问中对当时他从她身边游开去一事说过些什么话……说如果她是在无意之中落水的，那末，即使是他不肯去搭救她，就他这一方面来说，也是无罪可言……可是，现在他觉得，尤其是有关他跟罗伯达的全部关系，他都想过了，毕竟还是有罪，可不是?
难道说上帝……麦克米伦……不是也会这么想吗?
而且，梅森在审问时早就一针见血地指出:
毫无疑问，本来他也许是能把她救起来的。
如果她是桑德拉……或者甚至是去年夏天的罗伯达，毫无疑问，他也一定会把她救起来的。再说，害怕她把他拖下水，这种想法也是很见不得人的。(在麦克米伦敦促他悔过，同上帝和解以后，有好多个夜晚他躺在床上，就是这样自己跟自己说理。辩论的。)是的，这些他都得向自己承认。如果这是桑德拉的话，当然，他马上会想办法去救她的命。既然是这样，那他应该就这一事表示忏悔……如果他决定向麦克米伦忏悔的话……或则向不管是哪一个人吐露真情的话……只要真的要讲……说不定甚至还要向公众讲。可是，他一旦决定这么忏悔了，会不会导致他势必被定罪不可呢?
难道说现在他乐意给自己定罪，就此把自己性命也都送掉吗?
不，不，也许最好还是等一等……至少等到上诉法院对他的案子作出决定以后再说。反正真相上帝早已知道了，干什么要让他的案子冒风险呢?
他确实是难过极了。现在，他已经认识到这一切该有多可怕……除了罗伯达惨死以外，他还造成了多么巨大的痛苦和灾难。不过……不过……生活不还是那么美好吗?
啊，要是他能逃出去该有多好!
啊，只要他能离开这里……永远不再看到。听到。
感受到如今笼罩着他的这一片可怕的恐怖该有多好。这姗姗来迟的薄暮……这姗姗来迟的拂晓。这漫漫的长夜呀!
那些长叹短吁……那些呻吟哭泣。那日日夜夜持续不断的折磨，有时看来他好象真的快要发疯了。要不是麦克米伦眼下看来对他恩爱有加……那么和蔼，有时还能吸引住他，让他得到不少宽慰，说不定他早已发疯了。他真巴不得有一天能跟他坐在一起……不管是在这里或是别的什么地方，把一切都告诉他，听他说说，究竟他是不是真的有罪，如果说真的有罪，就要麦克米伦为他祈祷。克莱德有时分明感觉到:
他母亲和麦克米伦的庇佑祈祷，在这个上帝面前，比他自己的祈祷要灵验得多。不知怎的，现在他还祈祷不成。有时，他听到麦克米伦在祈祷，那声音如此柔和，如此和谐，穿透铁栏杆向他传过来……或是他读《加拉太书》。《帖撒罗尼迦书》。《哥林多书》
(参见《圣经。新约全书》有关章节。)上那些话，那时他觉得，好象他非得把一切都告诉这个牧师，而且尽可能早一些。
可是眼看着日子一天天过去，直到六个星期以后的某一天……当时邓肯牧师因为克莱德一直闭口不谈自己的事，正开始绝望，觉得自己无法引导他真心忏悔，从而使他的灵魂得到拯救……突然间，桑德拉来了一封信，说得确切些，是一张便条。那是通过典狱长办公室送来的，由这座监狱的新教牧师普雷斯顿。
吉尔福德交给他的，只是信上并没有署名。信纸倒是挺好看的，而且，按照监狱的规定，已被拆开，看过了。不过，这封信的内容，在典狱长和吉尔福德牧师看来，都认为除了同情和责备以外，没有什么其他内容。而且，一望可知这封信是他的案子里一再提到过的那个名闻遐迩的。也可以说声名狼藉的某某小姐寄来的，尽管一时还无法加以证明。因此，经过相当长时间考虑以后，就决定不妨给克莱德看看，他们甚至还认为应该给他看看才好。也许可以给他上有益的一课。罪犯的出路。所以，待到漫长而慵倦的夏天已经过去了(这时，他入狱快要满一年了)，在暮秋的某一天傍黑时分，信才交给了他。他手里拿着这封信。尽管这封信是用打字机打的，信封上既没有发信日期，也没有发信地址，只是盖上了纽约的邮戳……可是不知怎的，他还是本能地感到，这也许是她寄来的。于是，他一下子变得非常紧张……甚至连手都在微微颤抖了。接下来他就看信……在这以后好多天里，他反反复复地看了又看:
"克莱德，给你去信，为的是让你不要觉得你往日的心上人已经把你完全忘掉了。她也饱受了痛苦。她虽然永远也不能理解你怎么会干得出这等事来，但即便是现在，尽管她永远也不会再跟你见面了，她并不是没有悲伤和同情心的，她还祝愿你自由和幸福。
"但是信末没有署名……丝毫没有她亲笔书写的痕迹。她怕签署自己的名字。
她心里想，现在她已离着他太遥远了，不乐意让他知道现在她在哪里。纽约!
不过，这封信也许是从别处寄到纽约，再从纽约发出的。她可不乐意让他知道……永远也不乐意让他知道……即使以后他死在狱中，这对他来说，也许是在意料之中的。他最后的希望……他的梦想最后一点残痕，全都消失了。永远消失了!
正是在那么一刹那间，当黑夜降临，驱散了西边最微弱的一抹薄暮的余辉的时候。先是有一丁点儿朦胧的越来越微弱的粉红色……随后是一团漆黑。
他坐在铁床上。他那寒伧的囚服上一道道条纹，还有他那灰色毡鞋，把他的目光给吸引住了。一个重罪犯。这些条纹。这双毡鞋。这间牢房。这难以预料而又骇人的未来前景，随时想起就让人毛骨悚然。如今又来了这么一封信，他的美梦也就算全完了!
而为了这美梦，他竟然不惜孤注一掷，想要把罗伯达摆脱掉……甚至眼看着就要下决心把她置之死地。就是为了这美梦!
就是为了这美梦!
他摆弄着这封信，随后一动不动地把信抓在手里。现在她在哪里呀?
也许跟谁在谈情说爱吧?
也许经过这么一段时间，她的感情也变了吧。也许当时她仅仅是有那么一丁点儿被他迷往了。有关他的那些骇人听闻的揭发，毫无疑问，把她对他的全部感情永远化为乌有。她是自由的。她有的是姿色……财富。此刻，也许另有一个什么人……他站起来，走到牢房门口，想让心中的剧痛平息下去。对面中国人一度住过的那间牢房，现下关进一个黑人……沃什。希金斯。据说，他把一家餐馆的侍者刺死了，因为那个侍者拒不给他上菜，而且还百般侮辱他。他的紧邻是一个年轻的犹太人。他想去抢一家珠宝铺，把那里的掌柜给杀死了。不过，现在关在这里只是等死，他早就绝望透顶，彻底崩溃了……整天价多半只是坐在小床上，两手捂住头。克莱德从他现在站着的地方可以看到他们两人……那个犹太人还捂着头哩。不过，躺在小床上的那个黑人，却叉起两腿，一面在抽烟，一面还在唱……啊，大轮在……转……哼!
啊，大轮在……转……哼!
啊，大轮在……转……哼!
就是为了我呀!
为了我呀!
克莱德驱散不了自己心里那些念头，便又掉过身去。
已被判处死刑!
他非死不可。而这封信……标志着他跟桑德拉也就算全完了。
这一点他分明感觉得到了。再见吧。"尽管她永远也不会跟你见面了。"他倒伏在床上……不是要哭，而是要休息……他觉得太疲惫了。莱柯格斯呀。第四号湖呀。熊湖呀。哈哈大笑……接吻……微笑呀。去年秋天里他渴求过的是什么呀。
而一年以后……现在呀。
可接下来是……那个年轻的犹太人。当他心灵深处剧痛委实难以忍受，再也不能闷声不响的时候，就会哼起类似宗教祷告的曲调，让人听了简直心肝俱裂。这样的曲调许多同监犯人都大声反对过。不过，话又说回来，这样的曲调在此时此刻，却又是再合适也没有呀。
"我作恶多端。我心狠手辣。我撒谎骗人。啊!
啊!
啊!
我一贯不老实。我心里坏点子可多着呢。我跟那伙坏人在一块厮混过。啊!
啊!
啊!
我偷过东西。我缺德透顶。我残酷无情!
啊!
啊!
啊!
"还传来了那大个儿托姆。鲁尼的声音。他杀死了跟他争夺一个妓女的托马斯。泰伊，因而被判处死刑。"看在基督面上!
我知道你心里难过。可我也是一样。
啊，看在基督面上，别再难过了!
"克莱德坐在小床上，心心念念正合着犹太人的曲调拍子……默默地跟着他一块哼唱……"我作恶多端。我心狠手辣。我撤谎骗人。啊!
啊!
啊!
我一贯不老实。
我心里坏点子可多着呢。我跟那伙坏人在一块厮混过。啊!
啊!
啊!
我缺德透顶。我残酷无情。我心里老想杀人。啊!
啊!
啊!
那是为了什么呢?
一枕黄梁美梦!
啊!
啊!
啊!
……啊!
啊!
啊!
……"过了个把钟头，狱警把他的晚餐放在小窗口那块搁板上，克莱德依然纹丝不动。开饭了!
半个钟头以后，狱警又来了，晚餐还撂在那里，动都没有动过，跟那个犹太人一样……于是，狱警就一声不吭拿走了。狱警们知道，关进这些笼子里的人忧郁时，反正就吃不下饭了。有的时候，甚至连狱警他们一口饭也都咽不下去呢。
收听单词发音 |
1
rev
|
|
| v.发动机旋转，加快速度 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
incarcerated
|
|
| 钳闭的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
withdrawn
|
|
| vt.收回；使退出；vi.撤退，退出 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
circumscribed
|
|
| adj.[医]局限的：受限制或限于有限空间的v.在…周围划线( circumscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；划定…范围；限制；限定 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
solace
|
|
| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
temperament
|
|
| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
contemplate
|
|
| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
immediate
|
|
| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
acquitted
|
|
| 宣判…无罪( acquit的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（自己）作出某种表现 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
intrigued
|
|
| adj.好奇的，被迷住了的v.搞阴谋诡计(intrigue的过去式)；激起…的兴趣或好奇心；“intrigue”的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
rhinoceros
|
|
| n.犀牛 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
straps
|
|
| n.带子( strap的名词复数 )；挎带；肩带；背带v.用皮带捆扎( strap的第三人称单数 )；用皮带抽打；包扎；给…打绷带 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
miseries
|
|
| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
contrition
|
|
| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
condemned
|
|
| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
bunk
|
|
| n.(车、船等倚壁而设的)铺位；废话 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
serene
|
|
| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
lone
|
|
| adj.孤寂的，单独的；唯一的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
interfere
|
|
| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
decided
|
|
| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
guise
|
|
| n.外表，伪装的姿态 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
firmament
|
|
| n.苍穹；最高层 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
begot
|
|
| v.为…之生父( beget的过去式 )；产生，引起 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
repent
|
|
| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
confession
|
|
| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
purge
|
|
| n.整肃，清除，泻药，净化；vt.净化，清除，摆脱；vi.清除，通便，腹泻，变得清洁 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
pending
|
|
| prep.直到，等待…期间；adj.待定的；迫近的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
fleeting
|
|
| adj.短暂的，飞逝的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
guilt
|
|
| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
subsided
|
|
| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
manifestations
|
|
| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
insanity
|
|
| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
entirely
|
|
| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
smothered
|
|
| （使）窒息， （使）透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 )； 覆盖； 忍住； 抑制 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
defense
|
|
| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
mitigating
|
|
| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
tangles
|
|
| （使）缠结， （使）乱作一团( tangle的第三人称单数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
savage
|
|
| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
constructive
|
|
| adj.建设的，建设性的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
pointed
|
|
| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
misery
|
|
| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
groans
|
|
| n.呻吟，叹息( groan的名词复数 )；呻吟般的声音v.呻吟( groan的第三人称单数 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
devoted
|
|
| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
melodiously
|
|
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
45
warden
|
|
| n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
punitive
|
|
| adj.惩罚的，刑罚的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
transgressor
|
|
| n.违背者 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
dreary
|
|
| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
utterly
|
|
| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
tinge
|
|
| vt.(较淡)着色于，染色；使带有…气息；n.淡淡色彩，些微的气息 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
felon
|
|
| n.重罪犯；adj.残忍的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
prospect
|
|
| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
slay
|
|
| v.杀死，宰杀，杀戮 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
proprietor
|
|
| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
collapsed
|
|
| adj.倒塌的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
killing
|
|
| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
rhythmically
|
|
| adv.有节奏地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
inmates
|
|
| n.囚犯( inmate的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |