PART 2 CHAPTER
39
P HOEBE AGAIN CALLS TO ME WITHOUT MOVING HER LIPS. HER VOICE IS still faint, far off, but I
during four long years of combat, and you’ve told me about Sam, Zeke, and the others,” she
said. “You lost them too. And you must have killed lots of union soldiers. Why is Bibb
different?”
The sun has gone down without my notice or Phoebe’s, and objects in the room are now only
blue outlines made by the full moon beyond the windows. I sense another person in the room
before I see him. His shirt sparkles turquoise3 in the moonlight. It’s Tatternook, his black suit and
visitor. John Bibb stands beside him. With a slight movement of his hand, he greets me. How
long have they been there? I was too wrapped up in the worst of my past to note their arrival.
Now all three await my response to Phoebe’s question.
The images still vibrate in the room: Ahl and Old Hike in the pen, Beards’ reaction to my
memories have been buried for so long, hidden below recollections of my family life in
There my secret is, out in the open for the first time. What if I’d heard myself say these things to
Mary or Ellen long ago? Might my family have been as understanding? Spoken aloud over time,
but instead seem curious and accepting. Warmth floods my heart as I watch Phoebe sitting so
attentively10, so receptive to my confession11. I feel a bond with her I haven’t felt with anyone since
my death. But I can’t help thinking: if only my wife or sister were sitting there instead.
At first, the answers to Phoebe’s question are formless bits careening in my mind, trying to
seated himself in the parlor’s ladder-back chair. He observes me carefully. The silence deepens.
Haltingly, I begin. “I understand why you’d ask that question. Why my heart ached so because
wasn’t of my doing. I had no control over the war, but I did have some control over the welfare
of my unit. Once Bibb joined us at Spotsylvania for the journey to Fort Delaware, he was one of
my men.”
I pause for a minute, guilt tightening15 my chest. “Remember, Bibb risked his life to save me at
Spotsylvania Courthouse and then died trying to save me from myself at Fort Delaware. I owed
no one else such a debt. If he hadn’t been so young and innocent, hadn’t depended upon me . . .”
I drop my head in my hands. “He could have lived a long life. The fighting was over, for
Chrissake.” I look across at Bibb. “You hadn’t been through the horrors we had; you might have
healed when you returned home.”
“Perhaps. But we’ll never know.” He regards me sadly. “Don’t you think there is more to
your melancholy16 than that, Tom?”
“What do you mean?” I can’t believe my ears. “How could there be more?”
“Look deeper. There’s more,” he says gently.
I’m confused by his words. “There’s nothing more. Your death and your family’s loss have
filled every corner of my heart.”
“Why is that?” he asks.
I’m irritated by his questions, until the truth breaks free. “So there would be no space to
consider the rest. All those young men, especially the ones I loved best, who lost their lives.”
Even as I speak, a frozen stream is melting within. I feel Bibb’s mind lock onto mine.
before me. And more. There’s McCorkle, who fought on after Spotsylvania but never made it
home to his wife and babe after Appomattox. There are the nine boys, almost a third of us
Delaware. I could do nothing to stop disease and starvation.
And there are all the men who didn’t die, whom I saw every day in Augusta County, but
whose war damage was visible to all lookers. There was Mrs. Calliston’s son Ralph who shelved
the pews.
Blue and many others simply passed away before their time. Four years without adequate
lovingly for him, he had traveled beyond anyone’s reach. For the rest of my life, I couldn’t
escape all those in town or on the county roads who’d lost a limb or their good sense to that
conflict. They were everywhere one turned.
“Who was I to deserve such good fortune?” The words pour out of me. “My wedding night, the
you and all the others were missing.”
I can’t stem the flood. “Twenty-six major battles. That’s how many I survived. And I escaped
smallpox36, cholera37, and diphtheria that killed as many as the bullets and the cannon38 balls. Every
room wavers.
Disappointment clouds Bibb’s face. What more could he want to hear that I haven’t said? I
sit in quiet bewilderment. The answer should come easily to me; after all, I’ve always thought of
him as my younger, more innocent self, the part that died during the war. I know him so well. In
from my lips like bile after a bout2 of purging43. A blindfold44 has been lifted from my eyes, and I
understand what Bibb has been waiting to hear.
“Oh my lord, all this grief, pain, and death . . . yours as well, would never have happened but
for one thing. And that was the greed that kept slavery alive. The deep truth, the hard truth, is
that I murdered men so that white people could continue to torture other human beings, could
use them however they wanted, and could deny they were human like themselves. I’ve been
terrified of the painful clarity that ripped through my heart and soul during the war. I didn’t have
can see blood on them. “I’m ashamed, so ashamed.” The room falls still, even the creek’s
also? He wasn’t on the killing fields for very long, but he desperately49 wanted to be there, just as
I did, while fooling himself about the cause he was joining.
He steps toward me. He speaks slowly and with gravity. “Tom, you are forgiven for my
death. You always were. Let go of that guilt. But all of us bear the larger guilt.”
Tatternook holds out his hand. A ray of light flashes like a shooting star and enters my heart.
The tears that have been falling there for so many years dry up. The ray goes deeper and deeper,
a pebble50 sinking into an ocean. I find myself in the station I glimpsed long ago in that icy prison
yard the night Bibb was shot. There is the sound of an unearthly harmony, rising and falling in a
multitude of divine voices. A golden train arrives, not on wheels, but borne on the backs of
me, and I feel a great urgency. I must get on board.
Spotsylvania Courthouse. She took pity on me and led me to this point of release. Ignoring her
should never again feel shame. I lay my hand on her shoulder as a father might his daughter and
think how fond I’ve become of her. Despite my resentment54 of Phoebe and Harry’s changes to
my house, I recognize that they’ve made it a place that will now last for generations to come. It
will stand firm and strong for others to enjoy as I did. Maybe they’ll be my descendants, and my
story won’t be forgotten. I give her shoulder a squeeze of farewell. Phoebe shivers, her eyes
brim with tears, and her face glows. She knows.
The station door has sailed open, and I must hurry. I take one departing look at my home and
Phoebe in the library and then rush through. But just as my foot touches the embossed metal step
and I grab the shiny hand rail, everything disappears in a burst of light. There is the ear-splitting
sound of something crashing down, falling apart, shattering into jagged pieces. At my feet lies
the shriveled, lifeless body of Moloch, Milton’s dark god of guilt from Paradise Lost. The
station and the train no longer exist. My house, the farm, Phoebe, Tatternook, and John Bibb are
gone. Tom Smiley is disappearing too. Everything I treasured about myself has almost
evaporated. But I have no fear or sense of loss as before. There is nothing to lose. I have no
contentment, pulsing with the expanding and contracting vibrations56 of the universe. Bibb,
点击收听单词发音
1 torment | |
n.折磨;令人痛苦的东西(人);vt.折磨;纠缠 | |
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2 bout | |
n.侵袭,发作;一次(阵,回);拳击等比赛 | |
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3 turquoise | |
n.绿宝石;adj.蓝绿色的 | |
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4 merging | |
合并(分类) | |
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5 gasp | |
n.喘息,气喘;v.喘息;气吁吁他说 | |
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6 crouch | |
v.蹲伏,蜷缩,低头弯腰;n.蹲伏 | |
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7 curiously | |
adv.有求知欲地;好问地;奇特地 | |
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8 guilt | |
n.犯罪;内疚;过失,罪责 | |
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9 condemn | |
vt.谴责,指责;宣判(罪犯),判刑 | |
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10 attentively | |
adv.聚精会神地;周到地;谛;凝神 | |
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11 confession | |
n.自白,供认,承认 | |
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12 coalesce | |
v.联合,结合,合并 | |
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13 killing | |
n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财 | |
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14 slaughter | |
n.屠杀,屠宰;vt.屠杀,宰杀 | |
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15 tightening | |
上紧,固定,紧密 | |
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16 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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17 stunned | |
adj. 震惊的,惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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18 foul | |
adj.污秽的;邪恶的;v.弄脏;妨害;犯规;n.犯规 | |
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19 bloody | |
adj.非常的的;流血的;残忍的;adv.很;vt.血染 | |
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20 sergeant | |
n.警官,中士 | |
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21 stump | |
n.残株,烟蒂,讲演台;v.砍断,蹒跚而走 | |
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22 averted | |
防止,避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 ); 转移 | |
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23 socket | |
n.窝,穴,孔,插座,插口 | |
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24 thicket | |
n.灌木丛,树林 | |
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25 crutches | |
n.拐杖, 支柱 v.支撑 | |
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26 sprouting | |
v.发芽( sprout的现在分词 );抽芽;出现;(使)涌现出 | |
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27 toll | |
n.过路(桥)费;损失,伤亡人数;v.敲(钟) | |
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28 carrion | |
n.腐肉 | |
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29 ward | |
n.守卫,监护,病房,行政区,由监护人或法院保护的人(尤指儿童);vt.守护,躲开 | |
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30 incapable | |
adj.无能力的,不能做某事的 | |
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31 soften | |
v.(使)变柔软;(使)变柔和 | |
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32 blessings | |
n.(上帝的)祝福( blessing的名词复数 );好事;福分;因祸得福 | |
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33 awakening | |
n.觉醒,醒悟 adj.觉醒中的;唤醒的 | |
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34 joyful | |
adj.欢乐的,令人欢欣的 | |
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35 marred | |
adj. 被损毁, 污损的 | |
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36 smallpox | |
n.天花 | |
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37 cholera | |
n.霍乱 | |
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38 cannon | |
n.大炮,火炮;飞机上的机关炮 | |
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39 tormented | |
饱受折磨的 | |
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40 lighter | |
n.打火机,点火器;驳船;v.用驳船运送;light的比较级 | |
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41 obsession | |
n.困扰,无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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42 ribs | |
n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 );(船或屋顶等的)肋拱;肋骨状的东西;(织物的)凸条花纹 | |
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43 purging | |
清洗; 清除; 净化; 洗炉 | |
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44 blindfold | |
vt.蒙住…的眼睛;adj.盲目的;adv.盲目地;n.蒙眼的绷带[布等]; 障眼物,蒙蔽人的事物 | |
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45 afterward | |
adv.后来;以后 | |
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46 navigate | |
v.航行,飞行;导航,领航 | |
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47 muffled | |
adj.(声音)被隔的;听不太清的;(衣服)裹严的;蒙住的v.压抑,捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 );用厚厚的衣帽包着(自己) | |
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48 repentance | |
n.懊悔 | |
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49 desperately | |
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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50 pebble | |
n.卵石,小圆石 | |
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51 stuns | |
v.击晕( stun的第三人称单数 );使大吃一惊;给(某人)以深刻印象;使深深感动 | |
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52 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
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53 valiant | |
adj.勇敢的,英勇的;n.勇士,勇敢的人 | |
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54 resentment | |
n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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55 gender | |
n.(生理上的)性,(名词、代词等的)性 | |
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56 vibrations | |
n.摆动( vibration的名词复数 );震动;感受;(偏离平衡位置的)一次性往复振动 | |
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57 luminous | |
adj.发光的,发亮的;光明的;明白易懂的;有启发的 | |
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58 awareness | |
n.意识,觉悟,懂事,明智 | |
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