Strange destiny on the part of Mr. Barlow, to go down to posterity9 as childhood’s experience of a bore! Immortal10 Mr. Barlow, boring his way through the verdant11 freshness of ages!
My personal indictment12 against Mr. Barlow is one of many counts. I will proceed to set forth13 a few of the injuries he has done me.
In the first place, he never made or took a joke. This insensibility on Mr. Barlow’s part not only cast its own gloom over my boyhood, but blighted14 even the sixpenny jest-books of the time; for, groaning15 under a moral spell constraining16 me to refer all things to Mr. Barlow, I could not choose but ask myself in a whisper when tickled17 by a printed jest, ‘What would HE think of it? What would HE see in it?’ The point of the jest immediately became a sting, and stung my conscience. For my mind’s eye saw him stolid18, frigid19, perchance taking from its shelf some dreary20 Greek book, and translating at full length what some dismal21 sage22 said (and touched up afterwards, perhaps, for publication), when he banished23 some unlucky joker from Athens.
The incompatibility24 of Mr. Barlow with all other portions of my young life but himself, the adamantine inadaptability of the man to my favourite fancies and amusements, is the thing for which I hate him most. What right had he to bore his way into my Arabian Nights? Yet he did. He was always hinting doubts of the veracity25 of Sindbad the Sailor. If he could have got hold of the Wonderful Lamp, I knew he would have trimmed it and lighted it, and delivered a lecture over it on the qualities of sperm-oil, with a glance at the whale fisheries. He would so soon have found out — on mechanical principles — the peg26 in the neck of the Enchanted27 Horse, and would have turned it the right way in so workmanlike a manner, that the horse could never have got any height into the air, and the story couldn’t have been. He would have proved, by map and compass, that there was no such kingdom as the delightful28 kingdom of Casgar, on the frontiers of Tartary. He would have caused that hypocritical young prig Harry to make an experiment, — with the aid of a temporary building in the garden and a dummy29, — demonstrating that you couldn’t let a choked hunchback down an Eastern chimney with a cord, and leave him upright on the hearth30 to terrify the sultan’s purveyor31.
The golden sounds of the overture32 to the first metropolitan33 pantomime, I remember, were alloyed by Mr. Barlow. Click click, ting ting, bang bang, weedle weedle weedle, bang! I recall the chilling air that ran across my frame and cooled my hot delight, as the thought occurred to me, ‘This would never do for Mr. Barlow!’ After the curtain drew up, dreadful doubts of Mr. Barlow’s considering the costumes of the Nymphs of the Nebula35 as being sufficiently36 opaque37, obtruded38 themselves on my enjoyment39. In the clown I perceived two persons; one a fascinating unaccountable creature of a hectic40 complexion41, joyous42 in spirits though feeble in intellect, with flashes of brilliancy; the other a pupil for Mr. Barlow. I thought how Mr. Barlow would secretly rise early in the morning, and butter the pavement for HIM, and, when he had brought him down, would look severely43 out of his study window and ask HIM how he enjoyed the fun.
I thought how Mr. Barlow would heat all the pokers44 in the house, and singe45 him with the whole collection, to bring him better acquainted with the properties of incandescent46 iron, on which he (Barlow) would fully47 expatiate48. I pictured Mr. Barlow’s instituting a comparison between the clown’s conduct at his studies, — drinking up the ink, licking his copy-book, and using his head for blotting-paper, — and that of the already mentioned young prig of prigs, Harry, sitting at the Barlovian feet, sneakingly pretending to be in a rapture49 of youthful knowledge. I thought how soon Mr. Barlow would smooth the clown’s hair down, instead of letting it stand erect50 in three tall tufts; and how, after a couple of years or so with Mr. Barlow, he would keep his legs close together when he walked, and would take his hands out of his big loose pockets, and wouldn’t have a jump left in him.
That I am particularly ignorant what most things in the universe are made of, and how they are made, is another of my charges against Mr. Barlow. With the dread34 upon me of developing into a Harry, and with a further dread upon me of being Barlowed if I made inquiries51, by bringing down upon myself a cold shower-bath of explanations and experiments, I forbore enlightenment in my youth, and became, as they say in melodramas52, ‘the wreck53 you now behold54.’ That I consorted55 with idlers and dunces is another of the melancholy56 facts for which I hold Mr. Barlow responsible. That pragmatical prig, Harry, became so detestable in my sight, that, he being reported studious in the South, I would have fled idle to the extremest North. Better to learn misconduct from a Master Mash than science and statistics from a Sandford! So I took the path, which, but for Mr. Barlow, I might never have trodden. Thought I, with a shudder57, ‘Mr. Barlow is a bore, with an immense constructive58 power of making bores. His prize specimen59 is a bore. He seeks to make a bore of me. That knowledge is power I am not prepared to gainsay60; but, with Mr. Barlow, knowledge is power to bore.’ Therefore I took refuge in the caves of ignorance, wherein I have resided ever since, and which are still my private address.
But the weightiest charge of all my charges against Mr. Barlow is, that he still walks the earth in various disguises, seeking to make a Tommy of me, even in my maturity61. Irrepressible, instructive monomaniac, Mr. Barlow fills my life with pitfalls62, and lies hiding at the bottom to burst out upon me when I least expect him.
A few of these dismal experiences of mine shall suffice.
Knowing Mr. Barlow to have invested largely in the moving panorama63 trade, and having on various occasions identified him in the dark with a long wand in his hand, holding forth in his old way (made more appalling64 in this connection by his sometimes cracking a piece of Mr. Carlyle’s own Dead-Sea fruit in mistake for a joke), I systematically65 shun66 pictorial67 entertainment on rollers. Similarly, I should demand responsible bail68 and guaranty against the appearance of Mr. Barlow, before committing myself to attendance at any assemblage of my fellow-creatures where a bottle of water and a note-book were conspicuous69 objects; for in either of those associations, I should expressly expect him. But such is the designing nature of the man, that he steals in where no reasoning precaution or provision could expect him. As in the following case:-
Adjoining the Caves of Ignorance is a country town. In this country town the Mississippi Momuses, nine in number, were announced to appear in the town-hall, for the general delectation, this last Christmas week. Knowing Mr. Barlow to be unconnected with the Mississippi, though holding republican opinions, and deeming myself secure, I took a stall. My object was to hear and see the Mississippi Momuses in what the bills described as their ‘National ballads70, plantation71 break-downs, nigger part-songs, choice conundrums72, sparkling repartees, &c.’ I found the nine dressed alike, in the black coat and trousers, white waistcoat, very large shirt-front, very large shirt-collar, and very large white tie and wristbands, which constitute the dress of the mass of the African race, and which has been observed by travellers to prevail over a vast number of degrees of latitude73. All the nine rolled their eyes exceedingly, and had very red lips. At the extremities74 of the curve they formed, seated in their chairs, were the performers on the tambourine75 and bones. The centre Momus, a black of melancholy aspect (who inspired me with a vague uneasiness for which I could not then account), performed on a Mississippi instrument closely resembling what was once called in this island a hurdy-gurdy. The Momuses on either side of him had each another instrument peculiar76 to the Father of Waters, which may be likened to a stringed weather-glass held upside down. There were likewise a little flute77 and a violin. All went well for awhile, and we had had several sparkling repartees exchanged between the performers on the tambourine and bones, when the black of melancholy aspect, turning to the latter, and addressing him in a deep and improving voice as ‘Bones, sir,’ delivered certain grave remarks to him concerning the juveniles78 present, and the season of the year; whereon I perceived that I was in the presence of Mr. Barlow — corked79!
Another night — and this was in London — I attended the representation of a little comedy. As the characters were lifelike (and consequently not improving), and as they went upon their several ways and designs without personally addressing themselves to me, I felt rather confident of coming through it without being regarded as Tommy, the more so, as we were clearly getting close to the end. But I deceived myself. All of a sudden, Apropos80 of nothing, everybody concerned came to a check and halt, advanced to the foot-lights in a general rally to take dead aim at me, and brought me down with a moral homily, in which I detected the dread hand of Barlow.
Nay81, so intricate and subtle are the toils82 of this hunter, that on the very next night after that, I was again entrapped83, where no vestige84 of a spring could have been apprehended85 by the timidest. It was a burlesque86 that I saw performed; an uncompromising burlesque, where everybody concerned, but especially the ladies, carried on at a very considerable rate indeed. Most prominent and active among the corps87 of performers was what I took to be (and she really gave me very fair opportunities of coming to a right conclusion) a young lady of a pretty figure. She was dressed as a picturesque88 young gentleman, whose pantaloons had been cut off in their infancy89; and she had very neat knees and very neat satin boots. Immediately after singing a slang song and dancing a slang dance, this engaging figure approached the fatal lamps, and, bending over them, delivered in a thrilling voice a random90 eulogium on, and exhortation91 to pursue, the virtues92. ‘Great Heaven!’ was my exclamation93; ‘Barlow!’
There is still another aspect in which Mr. Barlow perpetually insists on my sustaining the character of Tommy, which is more unendurable yet, on account of its extreme aggressiveness. For the purposes of a review or newspaper, he will get up an abstruse94 subject with definite pains, will Barlow, utterly95 regardless of the price of midnight oil, and indeed of everything else, save cramming96 himself to the eyes.
But mark. When Mr. Barlow blows his information off, he is not contented97 with having rammed98 it home, and discharged it upon me, Tommy, his target, but he pretends that he was always in possession of it, and made nothing of it, — that he imbibed99 it with mother’s milk, — and that I, the wretched Tommy, am most abjectly100 behindhand in not having done the same. I ask, why is Tommy to be always the foil of Mr. Barlow to this extent? What Mr. Barlow had not the slightest notion of himself, a week ago, it surely cannot be any very heavy backsliding in me not to have at my fingers’ ends to-day! And yet Mr. Barlow systematically carries it over me with a high hand, and will tauntingly101 ask me, in his articles, whether it is possible that I am not aware that every school-boy knows that the fourteenth turning on the left in the steppes of Russia will conduct to such and such a wandering tribe? with other disparaging102 questions of like nature. So, when Mr. Barlow addresses a letter to any journal as a volunteer correspondent (which I frequently find him doing), he will previously103 have gotten somebody to tell him some tremendous technicality, and will write in the coolest manner, ‘Now, sir, I may assume that every reader of your columns, possessing average information and intelligence, knows as well as I do that’ — say that the draught104 from the touch-hole of a cannon105 of such a calibre bears such a proportion in the nicest fractions to the draught from the muzzle106; or some equally familiar little fact. But whatever it is, be certain that it always tends to the exaltation of Mr. Barlow, and the depression of his enforced and enslaved pupil.
Mr. Barlow’s knowledge of my own pursuits I find to be so profound, that my own knowledge of them becomes as nothing. Mr. Barlow (disguised and bearing a feigned107 name, but detected by me) has occasionally taught me, in a sonorous108 voice, from end to end of a long dinner-table, trifles that I took the liberty of teaching him five-and-twenty years ago. My closing article of impeachment109 against Mr. Barlow is, that he goes out to breakfast, goes out to dinner, goes out everywhere, high and low, and that he WILL preach to me, and that I CAN’T get rid of him. He makes me a Promethean Tommy, bound; and he is the vulture that gorges110 itself upon the liver of my uninstructed mind.
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1
harry
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vt.掠夺,蹂躏,使苦恼 | |
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2
mash
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n.麦芽浆,糊状物,土豆泥;v.把…捣成糊状,挑逗,调情 | |
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wretch
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n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
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buckles
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搭扣,扣环( buckle的名词复数 ) | |
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levity
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n.轻率,轻浮,不稳定,多变 | |
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reprehensible
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adj.该受责备的 | |
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frightful
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adj.可怕的;讨厌的 | |
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8
enervating
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v.使衰弱,使失去活力( enervate的现在分词 ) | |
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9
posterity
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n.后裔,子孙,后代 | |
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immortal
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adj.不朽的;永生的,不死的;神的 | |
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verdant
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adj.翠绿的,青翠的,生疏的,不老练的 | |
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indictment
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n.起诉;诉状 | |
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forth
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adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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14
blighted
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adj.枯萎的,摧毁的 | |
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15
groaning
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adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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16
constraining
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强迫( constrain的现在分词 ); 强使; 限制; 约束 | |
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tickled
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(使)发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)愉快,逗乐 | |
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stolid
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adj.无动于衷的,感情麻木的 | |
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19
frigid
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adj.寒冷的,凛冽的;冷淡的;拘禁的 | |
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dreary
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adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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21
dismal
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adj.阴沉的,凄凉的,令人忧郁的,差劲的 | |
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22
sage
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n.圣人,哲人;adj.贤明的,明智的 | |
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23
banished
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v.放逐,驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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24
incompatibility
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n.不兼容 | |
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25
veracity
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n.诚实 | |
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peg
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n.木栓,木钉;vt.用木钉钉,用短桩固定 | |
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enchanted
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adj. 被施魔法的,陶醉的,入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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delightful
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adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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dummy
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n.假的东西;(哄婴儿的)橡皮奶头 | |
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hearth
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n.壁炉炉床,壁炉地面 | |
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31
purveyor
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n.承办商,伙食承办商 | |
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32
overture
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n.前奏曲、序曲,提议,提案,初步交涉 | |
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metropolitan
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adj.大城市的,大都会的 | |
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34
dread
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vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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nebula
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n.星云,喷雾剂 | |
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36
sufficiently
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adv.足够地,充分地 | |
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opaque
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adj.不透光的;不反光的,不传导的;晦涩的 | |
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38
obtruded
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v.强行向前,强行,强迫( obtrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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39
enjoyment
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n.乐趣;享有;享用 | |
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hectic
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adj.肺病的;消耗热的;发热的;闹哄哄的 | |
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41
complexion
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n.肤色;情况,局面;气质,性格 | |
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joyous
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adj.充满快乐的;令人高兴的 | |
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severely
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adv.严格地;严厉地;非常恶劣地 | |
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44
pokers
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n.拨火铁棒( poker的名词复数 );纸牌;扑克;(通常指人)(坐或站得)直挺挺的 | |
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45
singe
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v.(轻微地)烧焦;烫焦;烤焦 | |
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46
incandescent
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adj.遇热发光的, 白炽的,感情强烈的 | |
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47
fully
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adv.完全地,全部地,彻底地;充分地 | |
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expatiate
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v.细说,详述 | |
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49
rapture
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n.狂喜;全神贯注;着迷;v.使狂喜 | |
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50
erect
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n./v.树立,建立,使竖立;adj.直立的,垂直的 | |
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51
inquiries
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n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听 | |
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52
melodramas
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情节剧( melodrama的名词复数 ) | |
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53
wreck
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n.失事,遇难;沉船;vt.(船等)失事,遇难 | |
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54
behold
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v.看,注视,看到 | |
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55
consorted
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v.结伴( consort的过去式和过去分词 );交往;相称;调和 | |
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56
melancholy
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n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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57
shudder
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v.战粟,震动,剧烈地摇晃;n.战粟,抖动 | |
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58
constructive
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adj.建设的,建设性的 | |
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59
specimen
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n.样本,标本 | |
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60
gainsay
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v.否认,反驳 | |
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61
maturity
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n.成熟;完成;(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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62
pitfalls
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(捕猎野兽用的)陷阱( pitfall的名词复数 ); 意想不到的困难,易犯的错误 | |
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63
panorama
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n.全景,全景画,全景摄影,全景照片[装置] | |
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64
appalling
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adj.骇人听闻的,令人震惊的,可怕的 | |
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65
systematically
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adv.有系统地 | |
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66
shun
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vt.避开,回避,避免 | |
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67
pictorial
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adj.绘画的;图片的;n.画报 | |
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68
bail
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v.舀(水),保释;n.保证金,保释,保释人 | |
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69
conspicuous
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adj.明眼的,惹人注目的;炫耀的,摆阔气的 | |
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70
ballads
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民歌,民谣,特别指叙述故事的歌( ballad的名词复数 ); 讴 | |
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plantation
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n.种植园,大农场 | |
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72
conundrums
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n.谜,猜不透的难题,难答的问题( conundrum的名词复数 ) | |
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73
latitude
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n.纬度,行动或言论的自由(范围),(pl.)地区 | |
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74
extremities
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n.端点( extremity的名词复数 );尽头;手和足;极窘迫的境地 | |
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tambourine
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n.铃鼓,手鼓 | |
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76
peculiar
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adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的 | |
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77
flute
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n.长笛;v.吹笛 | |
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juveniles
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n.青少年( juvenile的名词复数 );扮演少年角色的演员;未成年人 | |
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79
corked
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adj.带木塞气味的,塞着瓶塞的v.用瓶塞塞住( cork的过去式 ) | |
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80
apropos
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adv.恰好地;adj.恰当的;关于 | |
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81
nay
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adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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82
toils
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网 | |
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83
entrapped
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v.使陷入圈套,使入陷阱( entrap的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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84
vestige
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n.痕迹,遗迹,残余 | |
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85
apprehended
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逮捕,拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 ); 理解 | |
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86
burlesque
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v.嘲弄,戏仿;n.嘲弄,取笑,滑稽模仿 | |
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corps
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n.(通信等兵种的)部队;(同类作的)一组 | |
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picturesque
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adj.美丽如画的,(语言)生动的,绘声绘色的 | |
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89
infancy
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n.婴儿期;幼年期;初期 | |
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90
random
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adj.随机的;任意的;n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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91
exhortation
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n.劝告,规劝 | |
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92
virtues
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美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
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93
exclamation
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n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词 | |
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abstruse
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adj.深奥的,难解的 | |
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95
utterly
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adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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96
cramming
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n.塞满,填鸭式的用功v.塞入( cram的现在分词 );填塞;塞满;(为考试而)死记硬背功课 | |
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97
contented
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adj.满意的,安心的,知足的 | |
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98
rammed
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v.夯实(土等)( ram的过去式和过去分词 );猛撞;猛压;反复灌输 | |
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99
imbibed
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v.吸收( imbibe的过去式和过去分词 );喝;吸取;吸气 | |
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100
abjectly
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凄惨地; 绝望地; 糟透地; 悲惨地 | |
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101
tauntingly
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嘲笑地,辱骂地; 嘲骂地 | |
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102
disparaging
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adj.轻蔑的,毁谤的v.轻视( disparage的现在分词 );贬低;批评;非难 | |
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103
previously
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adv.以前,先前(地) | |
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104
draught
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n.拉,牵引,拖;一网(饮,吸,阵);顿服药量,通风;v.起草,设计 | |
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105
cannon
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n.大炮,火炮;飞机上的机关炮 | |
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106
muzzle
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n.鼻口部;口套;枪(炮)口;vt.使缄默 | |
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107
feigned
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a.假装的,不真诚的 | |
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108
sonorous
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adj.响亮的,回响的;adv.圆润低沉地;感人地;n.感人,堂皇 | |
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109
impeachment
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n.弹劾;控告;怀疑 | |
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110
gorges
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n.山峡,峡谷( gorge的名词复数 );咽喉v.(用食物把自己)塞饱,填饱( gorge的第三人称单数 );作呕 | |
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