"Is he coming?" Mildred asked. She was childishly interested in his return.
"Yes. He has gone to put the horse up at the farm."
"He will be cold."
"Yes." Helen was cold, too.
"It is a dreadful day for driving."
"I don't think he minds that," she said in a dead voice.
"No. You had better go downstairs."
"When I see him starting back. He'll have to talk to Lily. No, he's coming now."
She stood at the window while she slowly counted twenty, and then she warmed her hands before she went.
She was irritated by the memory of him running across the road with his hands in his pockets, his head butting3 against the storm, his eager feet sinking into the snow and dragging themselves out again. She had a crazy wish that he would fall. Why could he not walk? she asked herself. It was absurd to be in such a hurry. There was plenty of time, more than enough, if he but knew it! She laughed, and hated the false, cruel sound, and looked round the hall to see if there were any one to hear; but in the snow, as she opened the gate to him, there was a moment in which she knew nothing but joy. He had come back, he was close to her, and evil had passed away.
"Oh, my darling—" he said. "Let me get off my coat!"
He took her hands, and unsmilingly he scanned her, from her smooth hair to her mouth, from her hands to her feet.
"What is it?" he asked.
She gave him her clear regard. "All the things that have mattered most to me have been comings and goings through this gate and the garden door."
"Well, dearest one—"
"You've come again."
"And I shall come tomorrow."
"Will you?" She closed her eyelids4 on what he might see, and he kissed her between the eyes. "I have stayed away too long," he said.
"Yes. I want to talk to you. Come and see Notya first."
"Things have been happening, Daniel tells me."
"Oh, yes, they have."
"And if your letters had shown me your face, I shouldn't have stayed away another day."
"Isn't it so nice, Zebedee?"
"It's lovelier than it ever was, but there's a line here, and here, and here. And your eyes—"
Again she shut them, but she held up her face. "I want you to kiss my mouth."
"Helen," he said, when he had slowly done her bidding, "let us sit on the stairs and think about each other. Yes, there's room for Jim, but, oh, my blessed one, he ought to have a bath. No, you can stay down there, my boy. Are you comfortable, little heart? Let me look at you again. You are just like a pale flower in a wood. Here, in the darkness, there might be trees and you gleaming up, a flower—"
She dropped her forehead to his knees. "I wish—I were—that flower."
She felt his body tighten5. "What has happened?"
"I'll tell you soon."
"No, now."
"When you have seen Notya. She might notice if we looked—queer."
"Then let us go to her at once."
Mildred Caniper cut short the interview, saying, "Take him away, Helen. I'm tired. I'm always tired now."
"Come into Jane," Helen said when they were on the landing. "No one will disturb us there. Let Jim come, too."
"He isn't fit to be in your bedroom, dear. Neither am I. And how like you it is!"
"It's cold," she said. Through the window she saw that the new snow had covered George's tracks. "Cold—cold."
He put his arms round her. "I'm back again, and I can only believe it when I'm holding you. Now tell me what's the matter."
"Shall I? Shall I? Don't hold me, or I can't. It's—oh, you have to know. I'm married, Zebedee."
Plainly he did not think her sane6. "This can't be true," he said in a voice that seemed to drop from a great height.
"Yes, it's true. I can show you the thing—the paper. Here it is. Do you want to read it? Oh, yes, it's true."
"But it can't be! I don't understand! I don't understand it. Who—For God's sake, tell me the whole tale."
She told it quickly, in dull tones, and as she watched his face she saw a sickly grey colour invade his tan.
"Don't, don't look like that!" she cried.
"Are you quite sure you're married?" he asked in his new voice. "Let me look at this thing."
Outside, the snow fell thicker, darkening the room, and as she took a step nearer, she saw the muscles twitching7 in his cheeks. He laid the paper on her dressing-table.
"May his soul rot!" he whispered. He did not look at her. Darkness and distance lay between them, but fearfully she crept up to him and touched his arm.
"Zebedee—"
He turned swiftly, and his face made her shrink back.
"You—you dare to tell me this! And you said you loved me. I thought you loved me."
"I did. I do," she moaned, and her hands fluttered. "Zebedee," she begged.
"Oh—did you think I was going to wish you happiness? I'd rather see you dead. I could have gone on loving you if you were dead, believing you had loved me."
"And do you think I want to be alive?" she asked him, and slipped to her knees beside the bed. "I didn't want to die until just now. All the time, I said, Zebedee will understand. He'll know I did my best. He'll be so sorry for me—"
"So sorry for you that he couldn't think about himself! Sorry for you—yes! But can't you see what you have done for me? You never thought of that! It's like a woman. If you'd killed me—but you have killed me. And you did it lightly. You let me come here, you gave me your mouth to kiss, and then you tell me this! This! Oh, it's nothing! You've married some one else! You couldn't help it! Ah—!" He shook with a rage that terrified her, and having held out disregarded arms to him, she let her trembling mouth droop8 shapelessly, and made no effort to control her heavy tears, the sobs9 rushing up and out with ugly, tortured sounds. She spoke10 between them.
"I never thought you would be angry. But I dreamt about you angry. Oh"—she spoke now only to herself—"he doesn't understand. If I hadn't loved him truly, I needn't have kept my word, but I had to be honest, or I wouldn't have been worthy11." She dropped her face against the bed and mumbled12 there. "Nothing matters, then. Not even being honest. I—I—Oh! Angry—Zebedee darling, I can't bear it. Tell me you won't be angry any more."
"Dearest—" He sat on the bed and pulled her wet face to his knee. "Dearest—"
She took his hands and pressed them against her eyes. "Forgive me, Zebedee."
"I can't forgive you. I can only love you. For ever and ever—I want to think, Helen."
"You're shaking so."
"And you are shivering. Come downstairs beside a fire."
"No; we are safer here." Her arms went round him, beneath his coat, and she leaned her head against his breast. "I wish we could go to sleep and never wake."
"I ought never to have left you."
She looked up. "Zebedee, he hasn't worried me. He kissed me once. That's all. That's why I made you kiss my mouth."
"He shall never worry you. I'm going to see him now, and I shall come back soon. Let me go, sweetheart."
"No, I can't let you go. It isn't that I'm afraid for you. I—I don't mind if you hurt each other, but if you killed him—if he killed you—! But you won't do that. You'll just say dreadful things, and then he'll come to me and take me all. Don't you see? He could. He would. In my own way, I can—I can keep him off, but if you went to him and claimed me—No, Zebedee, there would be no hope for me."
"I'll shoot him, if you like, without giving him a chance. The man ought to be shot. He takes advantage of his own beastliness—" He broke off. "If I talk about it I shall choke."
"But he doesn't know about you."
"You didn't tell him that?"
"I couldn't. I couldn't beg. I didn't want to say your name to him, to bring you into it."
"Yes, I was left out of your calculations pretty thoroughly13."
"Zebedee—!"
"Ah, but you expect me to take this very calmly. You keep your promise to a drunken brute14, but what of one to me?"
"There wasn't one between us two. We just belonged, as we do now and always shall. You're me and I am you. When I was thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, too. And all the time I thought you'd understand."
"I do—begin to understand. But what about Miriam? Little fool, little fool! Does she know what she's done?"
"No one knows but you. You see, she fainted. I always thought she'd come between us, but what queer things God does!"
His voice rose suddenly, saying, "Helen, it's unbearable15. But you shall not stay here. I shall take you away."
"There's Notya."
"Yes."
"Do you mean—Is she going to die?"
"I don't know. She may not live for long. And if she dies, you shall come away with me. We can go together anywhere in the world. There's no morality and no sense and no justice in such a sacrifice."
"Oh," she sighed, "what peace, if I could go with you!"
"You shall go with me."
She felt his heart ticking away the seconds. "But I can't," she said softly. "You see, I've married him."
"Great God—!"
"I know. But I can't help it. I knew what I was doing. And he needs me."
"Ah! If he's going to need you—And again, what of my need of you?"
"You're a better man than he is."
He pushed her from him and went to the window, and she dared not ask him for his thoughts. Perhaps he had none: perhaps, in the waste of snow from which the black trunks of trees stood up, he saw a likeness16 to his life.
He turned to ask, "How often does that beast get washed?"
She looked at him vaguely17. "Who?"
"That dog."
"Oh—once a fortnight."
"Who does it?"
"John or I."
"You let him sleep with you?"
"Outside my door."
"I think he ought to be inside. I'm going over to see John. You can't live here alone. And, Helen, I've not given up my right to you. You shall come to me when Mrs. Caniper sets you free."
She was standing18 now, and she answered through stiff lips, "You mustn't hope for that. You know I told you long ago the kind of woman I am."
"And you can't change yourself for my sake?"
She moved uneasily. "I would, so gladly, if I could," she said, and he shook his head as though he did not believe her.
"But I will not have you and John trying to arrange my life. I choose to be alone. If you interfere—" His look reproached her. "I'm sorry, Zebedee, but I'm suffering, too, and I know best about George, about myself. After all"—her voice rose and broke—"after all, I've married him! Oh, what a fuss, what a fuss! We make too much of it. We have to bear it. We are not willing to bear anything. Other women, other men, have lost what they loved best. We want too much. We were not meant for happiness."
His hand was on the door, but he came back and stood close to her. "Do you think you have been talking to a stone? What do you expect of me? I"—he held his head—"I am trying to keep sane. To you, this may be a small thing among greater ones, but to me—it's the only one."
"To me, too. But if I made a mistake in promising19, I should make another in running away now. One has to do one's best."
"And this is a woman's best!" he said in a voice she did not know.
"Is that so bad?" She was looking at a stranger: she was in an empty world, a black, wild place, and in it she could not find Zebedee.
"There is no logic20 in it," she heard him say, and she was in her room once more, holding to the bed-rail, standing near this haggard travesty21 of her man.
"Oh! What have I done to you?" she cried out.
He followed his own thought. "If your sense of duty is greater towards him than towards me, why don't you go to him and give him all he wants?"
"He has not asked for it."
"And I do. If he has no rights, remember mine; but if he has them—"
"Yes, it may come to that," she said, and he saw her lined, white face.
"No, no, Helen! Not for my sake this time, but for yours! No! I didn't mean it. Believe me, I could be glad if you were happy."
"I shan't be happy without you, but if I can't have you, why shouldn't I do my best for him?"
He looked at the floor and said, "Helen, I can't let him touch you." He looked up. "Have you thought of everything?"
"There have been days and days to think in."
"My dear, it isn't possible! To give you into his hands!"
"I shall keep out of them if I can, and no one else can do it for me. Remember that, or you will push me into them. But I'm trying to make my body a little thing. It's only a body, after all. Zebedee, will you let me sit on your knee? Just this once more. Oh, how your arms know how to hold me! I hope—I hope you'll never have to marry any one for Daniel's sake."
He rested his cheek on hers. "Daniel will have to look after himself. Men don't hurt the people they love best for the sake of some one else. That's a woman's trick."
"You never talked like this before."
"Because, you see, no woman had ever hurt me so much."
"And now she has."
"Oh, yes, she has."
"And you love me less?"
"Come with me and see! Helen, Helen, darling, come with me. I want you so. We'll make life beautiful together. Sweetheart, if you needn't suffer, I could bear it for myself, I could manage to bear it for myself."
"I should suffer if I came with you. I should always feel George wanting me."
"And you won't feel me?"
"You are just like myself. You will always be there. No one can come between. George can't."
"But his children will." He set her on her feet and began to walk up and down the room. "Had you thought of that?"
She covered her face and whispered, "I can't talk about it yet. And, oh!" she went on, "I wanted ours. Did you?"
"You know I did."
"And even if I went with you, we couldn't have them. That's gone—just slipped away. They were so clear to me, so beautiful."
"In that house of ours," he said. "Helen, I bought that house before I went away."
"Our house?"
"Our square house—with the trees."
She broke into another storm of sobbing22, and he took her on his knee again. He knew that Halkett's children would come and stifle23 pain and, as he tried to think he would not hate them, her voice came softly through those thoughts.
"Zebedee, I want to tell you something."
"Go on, dear."
"I want to tell you—I—He's not repellent. Don't think that. I didn't want you to think that. I suppose one can forget. And I shall always think, 'It's Zebedee who has the rest, who has all the best of me.'"
"I know you, dear. You'll be giving him all you have."
"Oughtn't I to?"
"Oh, my darling, God only knows. Don't ask me. To me there seems only one thing to do—to smite24 him in the mouth—and you whom I worship have tied my hands. And I sit here! What do you think is happening to me inside? I'm mad! I can promise nothing. I need time to think. Helen, if you would hate him always, I could bear it better. But you won't, you'll grow fond of him—and I suppose I should be glad; but I can't stand that." He put her down roughly and stood over her. "I can't endure this any longer," he said under his breath, and went.
Then she realized what she had done to him, and with how much gentleness he had used her. She ran after him and called from the stairhead:
"Zebedee! Wait for me. Kiss me once more. I'll never ask again. It isn't easy for me, either, Zebedee."
He stood, helpless, enraged25 at destiny, aware that any weapon he might lift in her defence would fall on her and wound her. He could do nothing but swear his lasting26 love, his ready service.
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1
huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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2
obliterated
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| v.除去( obliterate的过去式和过去分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭 | |
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3
butting
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| 用头撞人（犯规动作） | |
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4
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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5
tighten
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| v.(使)变紧；(使)绷紧 | |
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6
sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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7
twitching
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| n.颤搐 | |
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8
droop
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| v.低垂，下垂；凋萎，萎靡 | |
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9
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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10
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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11
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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12
mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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14
brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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15
unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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16
likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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17
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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18
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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19
promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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20
logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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21
travesty
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| n.歪曲，嘲弄，滑稽化 | |
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22
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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23
stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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24
smite
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| v.重击；彻底击败；n.打；尝试；一点儿 | |
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25
enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 )； 歜； 激愤 | |
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26
lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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