"You haven't much to say," he told her, after an hour of silence. He did not know if he most hated or adored the smooth head turned sideways, the small ear and the fine eyebrow2, the aloofness3 that kept him off and drew him on; but he knew he was the victim of a glorious kind of torment4 of which she was the pain and the delight.
"I have been thinking," she explained.
"Then why don't you tell me what you think about?"
"Would you be interested?" She smiled at the thought of telling him with what anxiety she looked for Zebedee, with what anger she blamed him for neglect, with what increase she loved him.
"Yes, I would. Now you're laughing. D'you think it funny? D'you think I can't read or write, or understand the way you speak?"
"George," she said, "I wish you wouldn't get so cross. I don't think any of those things."
"Never think about me at all, I suppose. Not worth it."
She answered slowly, "Yes, you are," and he grunted5 a mockery of thanks.
It was some time before he threw out two words of accusation6. "You're different."
"Different?"
"That's what I said. You never answer straight."
"Don't I?"
"There you are again!"
"What do you want me to say? Shall I ask you how I'm different? Well, I've asked, George. Won't you answer?"
"I can't. I can't explain. But a few nights back—well—all tonight you've been sitting as if I wasn't here. I don't know why I stand it. Look here! You married me."
"So you are always telling me; but no one can buy the things you want."
"I'll get them somehow." He used the tones that made her shrink, but tonight she was unmoved, and he saw that her womanhood was crushed by the heaviness of her fatigue7, and she was no more than a human being who needed rest.
"I think you ought to go to bed," he said. "I'm going. Good-night." He kissed her hand, but he did not let it fall. "You're not to look so white tomorrow night," he said.
She did not know why she went to the kitchen door and stood by it while he climbed the wall and dropped to the crisp snow on the further side. He called out another low good-night and had her answer before she heard his boots crunching8 the frozen crust. No stars and no moon shone on the white garden, and to her it was like a place of death. The deep black of the trees against the wall made a mourning border, and the poplars lifted their heads in questioning of fate, but they had no leaves to make the question audible, and no wind stirred their branches. Everything was silent; it seemed as if everything had died, and Helen was envious9 of the dead. She wished she might curl herself up at a poplar's foot and sleep there until the frost tightened10 on her heart and stopped its beating.
"It is so hard," she said aloud, and shut the door and locked it with limp hands.
The kitchen's warmth gave back her sanity11 and humour, and she laughed as she sat before the fire again, but when she spoke12 to Jim, it was in whispers, because of the emptiness of the old house.
"We shall manage if only we can see Zebedee sometimes. Other women have worse things to bear. And George likes me. I can't help liking13 people when they like me. And there'll be Zebedee sometimes. We'll try to keep things beautiful, and we'll be strong and very courageous14, and now we'll go to bed."
The next morning Zebedee appeared, and in the hall of their many greetings, she slipped her hand into his.
"What have you been doing, Zebedee?"
"Working."
"Is that all?"
He laughed, and asked, "Isn't that enough?"
"No; not enough to keep you from me. I thought you would come yesterday and the day before."
He looked at her with an astonishment15 that was near scorn, for she had driven him from her and now reproached him when he did not run back. She put her hand on his and looked at him with shadowless grey eyes, and showed him a mouth that tempted16, as she had done before she married this other man to whom she was determined17 to be faithful. His thoughts were momentarily bitter, but his words were gentle.
"I told you I wanted time to think." He pressed her hand and gave it back to her. "And I have thought, and, since you are what you are, I see, at present, no other way but yours."
"Oh." She was daunted18 by his formality.
"Shall I go up to Mrs. Caniper?"
"Yes," she said, puzzled. "But aren't you cold? Come into the kitchen and you shall have some coffee. I had it ready in case you came. Your hands—your cheeks—" She touched him lightly and led him to the kitchen fire.
"I think we shall have more snow," he said, and his manner was snow against her heart.
"Do you?" she said politely, but her anger dropped away as she saw his face more clearly and knew he had not slept. She knew, too, that his mind was as firmly fixed19 as hers, and she felt as if the whole world were sliding from her, for this was not her lover: this was some ascetic20 who had not yet forgotten his desires. He looked haggard, fierce with renunciation and restraint, and she cried out, "Zebedee, darling, don't look like that!"
He laughed a little, moved, and passed his hands over his face. "No," he said sensibly.
He killed the words she had ready for him: she felt them fall, dead things, into her throat, and hang helplessly in her breast. She handed him the cup, and while he drank she stood beside the table and watched him with despair and indignation. She had not imagined him thus changed: she had expected the old adoring looks, the loving words, everything but his caresses21 and his claims, and he treated her as though she were no more to him than any other woman. She knew him to be just and honest, but she thought him cruel and, aghast at the prospect22 of endless days wherein he would not smile at her nor praise her, she doubted her ability to live without him. She caught her breath in fear that his habit of indifference23 would change to indifference indeed; and without shame, she confessed that she would rather have him suffering through love of her than living happily through lack of it.
Mechanically, she moved after him up the stairs, played her part, and followed him down again; but when next he came, she had stiffened24 in emulation25 of him, and they talked together like people who had known each other for many years, but never known each other well.
Once he trespassed26, but that was not to please himself.
"If you need me, you'll still use me?" he said hurriedly, and she answered, "Yes, of course."
He added, "I can't keep it from Daniel for ever."
"No. It need not be a secret now, except from Notya. And if she lives—"
"She may live for a long time if she has no shock."
"Ah, then," Helen said calmly, "she must not know."
He found her more beautiful than she had been, for now her serenity27 was by conquest, not by nature, and her head was carried with a freer grace. It might have been the freedom of one who had gained through loss and had the less weight to carry, but he tortured himself with wondering what fuller knowledge had given her maturer grace. Of this he gave no sign, and the attitude he maintained had its merciful result on Helen, for if he pretended not to need her, she had a nightly visitor who told her dumbly of his longing28. Love bred liking, as she had prophesied29, and, because life was lonely, she came to listen for his step. She was born to minister to people, and the more securely Zebedee shut her out, the more she was inclined to slip into the place that George had ready for her. And with George the spring was in conspiracy30. The thaw31 came in a night, and the next morning's sun began its work of changing a white country into one of wet and glistening32 green. Snow lingered and grew dirty in the hollows, and became marked with the tiny feet of sheep, but elsewhere the brilliance33 of the moor34 was like a cry. It was spring shouting its release from bonds. Buds leapt on the trees, the melted snow flooded the streams, tributary35 ones bubbled and tinkled36 in unexpected places.
"Now," Helen said, leaning from the window of Mildred Caniper's room, "you can't help getting well. Oh, how it smells and looks and feels! When the ground is drier, you shall go for a walk, but you must practise up here first. Then John shall carry you downstairs."
But Mildred Caniper did not want to be energetic: she sat by the fire in a cushioned wicker chair, and when Helen looked at the lax figure and the loosened lines of the face she recognized the woman who had made confession37 to relieve a mind that had finished with all struggling. It was not the real Mildred Caniper who had told that story in the night; it was the one who, weakened by illness, was content to sit with folded hands by the fireside.
She dimmed the sun for Helen and robbed the spring of hope. This glory would not last: colours would fade and flowers die, and so human life itself would slip into a mingling38 of light and shadow, a pale confluence39 of the two by which a man could see to dig a grave.
Helen leaned out again, trying to recover the sense of youth, of boundless40 possibilities of happiness that should have been her sure possession.
"Are you looking for Zebedee?" Mildred asked. "He doesn't come so often."
"You don't need him. And he is busy. He isn't likely to come today."
Yet she wished ardently41 that he might, for though he would have no tenderness to give her, he would revivify her by the vigour42 of his being: she would see a man who had refused to let one misfortune cripple him, and as though he had divined her need, he came.
"I had to go to Halkett's Farm," he explained.
"Who's ill there?" she asked sharply.
"The housekeeper43."
"I hadn't heard. Is she very ill?"
"She may be."
"Then I hope she'll die," she said in a low voice.
"My dear!" He was startled into the words, and they made her laugh openly for joy of knowing they were ready on his tongue. Lightly she swayed towards him, but he held her off.
"No, no, my heart." He turned deliberately44 from her. "Why do you wish that?"
"Because of Miriam. She ought to die."
"I'm afraid she won't. She's pretty tough."
"Is there anybody to look after her? I could go sometimes, if you like."
He smiled at this confusion of ministering and avenging45 angel.
"There's a servant there who seems capable enough."
"I wonder why George didn't tell me."
"She was all right yesterday."
"You'll have to see her tomorrow. Then you'll come here, too."
"There isn't any need."
"But Notya likes to see you. Come and see her now."
She sighed when they walked downstairs together as though things had never changed. "Oh, Zebedee, I wanted you to come today. You have made me feel clean again. Notya—oh—!" She shuddered46. "She looks like some fruit just hanging to a tree. Soon she will slip, and she doesn't care. She doesn't think. And once she was like a blade, so bright and edged. And when I looked at her this morning, I felt as if I were fattening47 and rotting, too, and it wasn't spring any longer. It was autumn, and everything was over-ripe."
"You don't take enough exercise," he said briskly. "Walk on the moor every day. It's only fair to Jim. Read something stiff—philosophy, for instance. It doesn't matter whether you understand it or not, so long as you try. Promise you'll do that. I'll bring some books tomorrow. Take them as medicine and you'll find they're food. And, Helen"—he was at the gate and he looked back at her—"you are rather like a blade yourself."
He knew the curing properties of praise.
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1
resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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eyebrow
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| n.眉毛，眉 | |
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aloofness
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| 超然态度 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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5
grunted
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| （猪等）作呼噜声( grunt的过去式和过去分词 )； （指人）发出类似的哼声； 咕哝着说 | |
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6
accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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7
fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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8
crunching
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| v.嘎吱嘎吱地咬嚼( crunch的现在分词 )；嘎吱作响；（快速大量地）处理信息；数字捣弄 | |
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9
envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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10
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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11
sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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12
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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13
liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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14
courageous
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| adj.勇敢的，有胆量的 | |
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15
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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17
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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daunted
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| 使（某人）气馁，威吓( daunt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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ascetic
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| adj.禁欲的；严肃的 | |
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caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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24
stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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emulation
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| n.竞争；仿效 | |
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26
trespassed
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| （trespass的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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27
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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28
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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29
prophesied
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| v.预告，预言( prophesy的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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31
thaw
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| v.（使）融化，（使）变得友善；n.融化，缓和 | |
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32
glistening
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| adj.闪耀的，反光的v.湿物闪耀，闪亮( glisten的现在分词 ) | |
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33
brilliance
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| n.光辉，辉煌，壮丽，（卓越的）才华，才智 | |
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34
moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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35
tributary
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| n.支流；纳贡国；adj.附庸的；辅助的；支流的 | |
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36
tinkled
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| （使）发出丁当声，（使）发铃铃声( tinkle的过去式和过去分词 )； 叮当响着发出，铃铃响着报出 | |
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37
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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38
mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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confluence
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| n.汇合，聚集 | |
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40
boundless
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| adj.无限的；无边无际的；巨大的 | |
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41
ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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42
vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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43
housekeeper
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| n.管理家务的主妇，女管家 | |
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44
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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45
avenging
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| adj.报仇的，复仇的v.为…复仇，报…之仇( avenge的现在分词 )；为…报复 | |
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46
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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47
fattening
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| adj.（食物）要使人发胖的v.喂肥( fatten的现在分词 )；养肥（牲畜）；使（钱）增多；使（公司）升值 | |
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