Nevertheless, it was only in his presence that she lost her red sense of shame, and though she still walked nobly, looked with clear eyes, and carried a high head, she fancied herself bent9 by broken pride, blinded and dusty-haired. Zebedee's books helped her to blot10 out that vision of herself and the other of Mildred Caniper still sitting by the fire and refusing the fulness of the sun. What she read amazed her with its profundity11 and amused her with its inconclusiveness. She had an awed12 pity for men whose lives were occupied in these endless questionings, and while Mildred idly turned the pages of periodicals she once had scorned, Helen frowned and bit her lips over the problems of the ages.
They gave her and Zebedee something impersonal13 to talk of when he came on his weekly visit.
"It's no good telling me," she warned him firmly, "that my poplars are not really there. I can feel them and see them and hear them—always hear them. If they weren't there, they would be! If I exist, so do they."
"Quite so. You're doing very well. I told you the medicine would turn to food."
"It's not food. What is it that nasty people chew? Gum? Yes, chewing-gum. It keeps me going. I mean—"
He helped her over that abyss. "It's a most improper14 name for wisdom."
"This isn't wisdom. Wisdom is just going on—and—keeping the world clean."
"Then," he said slowly, "you may count among the sages15."
They stood together by the schoolroom window and watched the windy sunshine darting16 among the laurel bushes and brightening the brass17 on the harness of the patient horse outside the gate.
"I wonder," Helen said, speaking as if she were not quite awake, "whether Mr. Pinderwell ever read philosophy."
"No," Zebedee answered in the same tones; "he took to wood-carving."
This time she leapt the abyss unaided and with a laugh.
"But then, he never had a stepmother nodding beside the fire. What is going to happen to her?"
"She has very little strength."
"But she isn't going to die?"
"Not yet, I think, dear." The word slipped from him, and they both listened to its echoes.
"I wish you'd go," she whispered.
"I'm going." He did not hesitate at the door or he would have seen her drop into a chair and let her limp arms slide across the table as she let out a noisy sob18 of happiness because his friendliness19 was still only a cloak that could sometimes be lifted to show the man beneath.
Almost gaily20, she went to Mildred Caniper's room.
"Zebedee stayed a long time today. I could hear you talking."
"Yes."
"Isn't he busy now?"
"He works all day and half the night."
"Oh." Mildred's twisted face regained21 a semblance22 of its old expression and her voice some of its precision. "Then you ought to be looking after him."
"I can't manage both of you."
"No, but Mrs. Samson could look after me." The words were slovenly23 again; the face changed subtly as sand changes under water. It became soft and indefinite and yielding, betraying the slackening of the mind.
"Mrs. Samson is a nice woman—very kind. She knows what I want. I must have a good fire. I don't need very much. She doesn't bother me—or talk. I don't want to be bothered—about anything. I'm still—rather tired. I like to sit here and be warm. Give me that magazine, Helen. There's a story—" She found the place and seemed to forget all she had said.
Helen left the room and, as she sat on the topmost stair, she wished Mr. Pinderwell would stop and speak to her, but he hurried up and down as he had always done, intent on his own sad business of seeking what he had lost. It was strange that he could not see the children who were so plain to Helen. She turned to speak to them, but she had outgrown24 them in these days, and even Jane was puzzled by her grief that Mildred Caniper wanted to be kept warm, and, with some lingering faculty25, wished Helen to be happy, but needed her no longer.
Helen whispered into the dimness because her thoughts were unwholesome and must be cast forth26.
"She only wants to be kept warm! It was sweet of her to try to think of me, but she couldn't go on thinking. Oh, Jane, Mrs. Samson and I are just the same. She doesn't mind who puts coals on the fire. I wish she'd die. I always loved her very much, and she loved me, but now she doesn't. She's just a—bundle. It's ugly. If I stay here and look at her, I shall get like her. Oh—she wants me to go and live with Zebedee. Zebedee! He wouldn't like me to go on like this. The philosophers—but that old bishop27 can't make me think that Notya isn't dying. That's what she's doing, Jane—dying. But no, dying is good and death is splendid. This is decay." She stood up and shuddered28. "I mustn't stay here," she murmured sensibly.
She called to Jim in a loud voice that attempted cheerfulness and alarmed her with its noise in the silent house of sorrow and disease.
"The moor29, Jim!" she said, and when she had passed through the garden with the dog leaping round her, she shook her skirts and held up her palms to get the freshness of the wind on them.
"We'll find water," she said, but she would not go to the stream that ran into the larch-wood. Today, the taint30 of evil was about Halkett's Farm, as that of decay was in Mildred Caniper's room.
"We'll go to the pool where the rushes are, Jim, and wash our hands and face."
They ran fleetly, and as they went she saw George at a distance on his horse. He waved his hat, and, before she knew what she was doing, she answered with a grimace31 that mocked him viciously and horrified32 her with its spontaneity. She cried aloud, and, sinking to the ground, she hid her dishonoured33 face.
"No, no," she moaned. She hated that action like an obscenity. Surely she was tainted34, too.
Jim licked her covering hands, and whined35 when she paid no heed36.
"Hateful! hateful!" were the words he heard and tried to understand. He sat, alert and troubled, while clouds rolled across the sky, and dark reflections of them made stately progress on the moor. Sheep, absorbed in feeding, drew near, looked up and darted37 off with foolish, warning bleats38, but still his mistress kept her face hidden, and did not move until he barked loudly at the sight of Halkett riding towards them.
"I couldn't keep away," the man said, bending from his saddle.
She rose and leaned against his knee. "George, what do I look like?"
His fervent39 answer was not the one she wanted.
"But do I look the same?"
He held her by the chin. "Have you been crying?"
"No."
"What is it then?"
She looked beyond him at the magnificence of the clouds and her troubles dwindled40. "I felt miserable41. I was worried."
"And you're happier now?"
She nodded.
"Then give me a kiss."
She turned her cheek to him.
"No. I said, give me one."
"I can't reach you."
"You don't want to."
"I never want to kiss people."
"People! Then do it to please me."
His cheek hardly felt her pressure.
"It's the way a ghost would kiss," he said.
"That's how I shall haunt you when I'm dead."
"Nay42, we'll have to die together."
She wrinkled her face. "But we can't do that without a lot of practice."
"What? Oh!" Her jokes made him uneasy. "I must go on. Helen, I'll see you tonight."
"Yes, you'll see the ghost who gives the little kisses."
"Don't say it!"
"But it's nice to be a ghost, you feel so light and free. There isn't any flesh to be corrupted43. I'm glad I thought of that, George. Good-bye."
"No. Come here again. Stand on my foot." He clinched44 her waist and kissed her on the mouth and let her drop. "You are no ghost," he said, and rode away.
She was indeed no ghost. Some instinct told him how to deal with her, and when he insisted on her humanity, her body thrilled in answer and agreement, and with each kiss and each insistence45 she became more his own; yet she was thrall46 less to the impulses of her youth than to some age-old willingness to serve him who possessed her. But her life had mental complications, for she dreaded47 in Zebedee the disloyalty which she reluctantly meted48 out to him when George had her in his arms. She would not have Zebedee love another woman, and she longed for assurance of his devotion, but she could not pass the barrier he had set up; she could not try to pass it without another and crueller disloyalty to both men. Her body was faithful to George and her mind to Zebedee, and the two fought against each other and wearied her.
The signs of strain were only in her eyes; her body had grown more beautiful, and when Miriam arrived on a short visit to the moor, she stopped in the doorway49 to exclaim, "But you're different! Why are you different?"
"It is a long time since you went away," Helen said slowly. "Centuries."
"Not to me! The time has flown." She laughed at her recollections. "And, anyhow, it's only a few months, and you have changed."
"I expect it is my clothes," Helen said calmly. "They must look queer to you."
"They do. But nice. I've brought some new ones for you. I think you'll soon be prettier than I am. Think of that!"
They had each other by the hand and looked admiringly in each other's face, remembering small peculiarities50 they had half forgotten: there was the soft hair on Helen's temples, trying, as Zebedee said, to curl; there was the little tilt51 to Miriam's eyebrows52, giving her that look of some one not quite human, more readily moved to mischief53 than to kindness, and never to be held at fault.
"Yes, it's centuries," Helen said.
"It's only a day!"
"Then you have been happy," Helen said, letting out a light sigh of content.
"Yes, but I'm glad to be here again, so long as I needn't stay. I've heaps to tell you." She stretched herself, like a cat. "I knew there was fun in the world. I had faith, my dear, and I found it."
Helen was looking at her with her usual confusion of feelings: she wanted to shake off Miriam's complacence roughly, while she was fondly glad that she should have it, but this remark would not pass without a word, and Helen shook her head.
"No; you didn't find it. Uncle Alfred gave it to you—he and I."
"You? Oh—yes, I suppose you did. Well—thank you very much, and don't let us talk about it any more. You're like a drag-net, bringing up the unpleasant. Don't let us quarrel."
"Quarrel! I couldn't," Helen said simply.
"Are you so pleased to see me?"
Helen's reluctant smile expanded. "I suppose it's that."
"Aha! It's lovely to be me! People go down like ninepins! Why?" Piously54, she appealed to Heaven. "Why?"
"They get up again, though," Helen said with a chuckle55.
"For instance?" Miriam demanded truculently56.
"Oh, I'm not going to be hard on you," Helen said, and though she spoke57 with genuine amusement, she felt a little seed of anger germinating58 in her breast. That was what George had done to her: he had made her heart a fertile place for passions which her mind disdained59.
"And I'm so glad to have you here," she added, defying harsh emotions.
"Ah! You're rather nice—and, yes, you are much prettier. How have you done it? I should like to kiss you."
"Well, you may." She put her face close to Miriam's, and enjoyed the coolness of that sisterly salute60.
"But," Miriam said, startled by a thought, "need I kiss—her?"
"No. You won't want to do that. She isn't very nice to look at."
Miriam shrank against the wall. "Not ugly?"
"You must come and see," Helen said. She was shaken again by a moment's anger as she looked on Miriam's lovely elegance61 and remembered the price that had been paid for it. "You must come and see her," she repeated. "Do you think you are the only one who hates deformity?"
"Deformity?" Miriam whispered.
"Her face is twisted. Oh—I see it every day!"
"Helen, don't! I'll go, but don't make me stay long. I'll go now," she said, and went on timid feet.
Helen stayed outside the door, for she could not bring herself to witness Mildred Caniper's betrayal of her decay to one who had never loved her: there was an indecency in allowing Miriam to see it. Helen leaned against the door and heard faint sounds of voices, and in imagination she saw the scene. Mildred Caniper sat in her comfortable chair by a bright fire, though it was now late June of a triumphant62 summer, and Miriam stood near, answering questions quickly, her feet light on the ground and ready to bear her off.
Very soon the door was opened and Miriam caught Helen's arm.
"I didn't think she would be like that," she whispered. "Helen, she's—she's—"
"I know she is," Helen said deeply.
"But I can't bear it!"
"You don't have to."
They went into Ph[oe]be's room and shut the door, and it was a comfort to Miriam to have two solid blocks of wood between her and the deterioration63 in the chair.
"I know I ought to stay with you—all alone in this house—no one to talk to—and at night—Are you afraid? Do you have to sleep with her?"
"Sometimes," Helen said, and drew both hands down her face.
"She might get up and walk about and say things. It isn't right for you, or for me and you, to have to live here. Why doesn't Zebedee do something? Why doesn't he take you away?"
"And leave her? I wouldn't go. The moor has hold of me, and it will keep me always. I'm rooted here, and I shall tell George to bury me on a dark night in some marshy64 place that's always green. And I shall make it greener. You're frightened of me! Don't be silly! I'm saner65 than most people, I think, but living alone makes one different, perhaps. Don't look like that. I'm the same Helen."
"Yes. I won't be frightened. But why did you say 'George'?"
Helen took a breath as though she lifted something heavy.
"Because he is my husband," she said clearly. She had never used the word before, and she enjoyed the pain it gave her.
There were no merciful shadows in the room: daylight poured in at the windows and revealed Helen standing66 with hands clasped before her and gazing with wide eyes at Miriam's pale face, her parted lips, her horrified amazement67.
"George?" she asked huskily.
"Yes."
"But why?"
"Why does one marry?"
"Oh, tell me, Helen! You can't have loved him."
"Perhaps he loved me."
"But—that night! Have you forgotten it?"
"No. I remember."
"So do I! I dream about it! Helen, tell me. What was it? There's Zebedee. And it was me that George loved."
Helen spoke sharply. "He didn't love you. You bewitched him. He loves me."
"You haven't told me everything."
"There is no reason why I should."
Miriam spoke on a sob. "You needn't be unkind. And where's your ring? You haven't said you love him. You're not really married, are you?"
"Yes, I am."
Crying without stint68, Miriam went blindly to the window.
"I wish I hadn't come—!"
"You mustn't be unhappy. I'm not. It isn't very polite to George—or me."
"But when—when you think of that night—Oh! You must be miserable."
"Then you should be."
"I?"
"It was your doing. You tormented69 him. You played with him. You liked to draw him on and push him back. You turned a man into a—into what we saw that night. George isn't the only man who can be changed into a beast when—when he meets Circe! With me—" Her voice broke with her quickened breathing. Her indignation was no longer for her own maimed life: it was for George, who had been used lightly as a plaything, broken, and given to her for mending.
For a long time Miriam cried, and did not speak, and when she turned to ask a question Helen had almost forgotten her; for all her pity had gone out to George and beautified him and made him dear.
"Tell me one thing," Miriam said earnestly. "It hadn't anything to do with me?"
"What?"
"Marrying him. You see, I fainted, didn't I?"
"Yes."
"Something might have happened then."
"It did."
"What was it?"
"He fell in love with me!" She laughed. "It's possible, because it happened! Otherwise, of course, neither of us could believe it! Oh, don't be silly. Don't look miserable."
"I can't help it. It's my fault. It's my fault if Zebedee is unhappy and if you are. Yes, it is, because if I hadn't—Still, I don't know why you married him."
"I think it was meant to be. If we look back it seems as if it must have been." It was not Helen who looked through the window. "Yes," she said softly, "it is all working to one end. It had to be. Don't talk about it any more."
Wide-eyed above her tear-stained cheeks, her throat working piteously, Miriam stared at this strange sister. "But tell me if you are happy," she said in a breaking voice.
"Yes, I am. I love him," she said softly. Now, she did not lie. The pity that had taught her to love Mildred Caniper had the same lesson in regard to George, and that night, when she looked into the garden and saw him standing there, because he had been forbidden the house, she leaned from her bedroom window and held out her hands and ran downstairs to speak to him.
"You looked so lonely," she told him.
"Didn't you want me a little?" he asked. He looked down, big and gentle, and she felt her heart flutter as with wings. She nodded, and leaned against him. It was the truth: she did want him a little.
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1
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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destitute
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| adj.缺乏的；穷困的 | |
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analyze
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| vt.分析，解析 (=analyse) | |
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mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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profundity
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| n.渊博；深奥，深刻 | |
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awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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sages
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| n.圣人( sage的名词复数 )；智者；哲人；鼠尾草（可用作调料） | |
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darting
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| v.投掷，投射( dart的现在分词 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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friendliness
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| n.友谊，亲切，亲密 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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semblance
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| n.外貌，外表 | |
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slovenly
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| adj.懒散的，不整齐的，邋遢的 | |
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outgrown
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| 长[发展] 得超过（某物）的范围( outgrow的过去分词 )； 长[发展]得不能再要（某物）； 长得比…快； 生长速度超过 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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taint
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| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
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grimace
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| v.做鬼脸，面部歪扭 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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dishonoured
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| a.不光彩的，不名誉的 | |
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tainted
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| adj.腐坏的；污染的；沾污的；感染的v.使变质( taint的过去式和过去分词 )；使污染；败坏；被污染，腐坏，败坏 | |
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whined
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| v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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darted
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| v.投掷，投射( dart的过去式和过去分词 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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bleats
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| v.（羊，小牛）叫( bleat的第三人称单数 )；哭诉；发出羊叫似的声音；轻声诉说 | |
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fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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dwindled
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| v.逐渐变少或变小( dwindle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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corrupted
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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44
clinched
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| v.（尤指两人）互相紧紧抱[扭]住( clinch的过去式和过去分词 )；解决（争端、交易），达成（协议） | |
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insistence
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| n.坚持；强调；坚决主张 | |
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thrall
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| n.奴隶；奴隶制 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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meted
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| v.（对某人）施以，给予（处罚等）( mete的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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51
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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52
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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54
piously
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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55
chuckle
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| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
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56
truculently
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57
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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58
germinating
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| n.& adj.发芽（的）v.（使）发芽( germinate的现在分词 ) | |
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59
disdained
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| 鄙视( disdain的过去式和过去分词 )； 不屑于做，不愿意做 | |
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60
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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61
elegance
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| n.优雅；优美，雅致；精致，巧妙 | |
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62
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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63
deterioration
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| n.退化；恶化；变坏 | |
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64
marshy
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| adj.沼泽的 | |
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65
saner
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| adj.心智健全的( sane的比较级 )；神志正常的；明智的；稳健的 | |
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66
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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67
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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68
stint
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| v.节省，限制，停止；n.舍不得化，节约，限制；连续不断的一段时间从事某件事 | |
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69
tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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