Laura was extraordinarily2 moved and excited. Her brother, her dear, dear Gillie, coming home? She had taken the surprising news very quietly, but it had stirred her to the depths of her nature. Without even telling her of what he was going to do, the man now walking by her side had brought about the thing that for years she had longed should come to pass.
In her husband Laura had become accustomed to a man who was cautious and deliberate to a fault, and who, as so often happens, carried this peculiarity3 even more into the affairs of his daily life than into his business. Often weeks would go by before Godfrey would make up his mind to carry out some small, necessary improvement connected with the estate.
Yet here was Oliver, who, without saying a word to her about it, had decided4 that Gillie should come to England just to see the sister he had not seen for seven years! Laura began to think it possible that after all Godfrey would make it up with her brother. Oliver Tropenell had an extraordinary influence over Godfrey Pavely; again and again, as regarded small matters, he had, as it were, made Godfrey's mind up for him.
A feeling of deep gratitude5 welled up in her heart [Pg 52] for the silent man by her side. She longed for him to speak now, as he had spoken to her, kindly7, conciliatingly, but a few minutes ago, in the drawing-room.
But Oliver stalked along dumbly in the intense darkness.
And then suddenly she remembered, with a miserable8 feeling of discomfort9, and yes, of shame, that she could hardly expect him to be as usual. And so it was she who, making a great effort, at last broke the unnatural10 silence.
"I've never thanked you for your letter," she said nervously11. "But I'm very much obliged to you, Oliver, for consenting to be my trustee. And I know that Godfrey will be! I hope it won't give you much trouble—the trusteeship, I mean. I know that Mr. Blackmore, for years past, left it all to Godfrey."
He answered slowly, meditatively12, and to her intense relief, quite in his old way. "Yes, I think Godfrey will be pleased. To tell you the truth, Laura, I thought I would take advantage of his pleasure to suggest that plan about Gillie—I mean that you and Gillie and Alice should all go abroad together."
"If only you can persuade Godfrey to let me have Gillie here for a while, I shall be more than content!" She spoke6 with a rather piteous eagerness.
They were walking very, very slowly. Oliver had now turned on his electric torch, and it threw a bright patch of light on the path immediately before them, making all the darkness about them the blacker and the more intense.
In a hard voice he exclaimed: "Of course Gillie must come here, and stay here! His being anywhere [Pg 53] else would be preposterous——" And then, once more, he fell into that strange, disconcerting silence.
The last time they two had walked down under the beeches14 at night had been some three weeks ago. Laura and Godfrey had dined with the Tropenells, and then Godfrey had said that he had to go home and do some work, leaving her to stay on, for nearly an hour, with the mother and son.
Oliver's torch had gone out that evening, and he had suggested, a little diffidently, that Laura should take his arm; smiling, she had laid the tips of her fingers lightly on his sleeve. She had felt so happy then, so happy, and absolutely at her ease, with her companion....
Tears welled up in her eyes. She was grateful for the darkness, but her trembling voice betrayed her as she exclaimed, "Oliver? I do again ask you to forget what happened yesterday, and to forgive me for the things I said. I'm very sorry that I spoke as I did."
He stopped walking, and put out his torch. "Don't be sorry," he said, in a low, constrained15 voice. "It's far better that I should know exactly how you feel. Of course I was surprised, for I'd always had a notion that women regarded love from a more ideal standpoint than men seem able to do. But I see now that I was mistaken." Some of the bitterness with which his heart was still full and overflowing16 crept into his measured voice. "I think you will believe me when I say that I did not mean to insult you——"
He was going on, but she interrupted him.
"—I'm sorry—sorry and ashamed too, Oliver, of what I said. Please—please forget what happened——"
[Pg 54] He turned on her amid the dark shadows.
"If I forget, will you?" he asked sombrely.
And she answered, "Yes, yes—indeed I will! But before we put what happened yesterday behind us forever, do let me tell you, Oliver, that I am grateful, deeply grateful, for your——" she hesitated painfully, and then murmured "your affection."
But Oliver Tropenell did not meet her half-way, as she had perhaps thought he would. He was torn by conflicting feelings, cursing himself for having lost his self-control the day before, and yet, even so, deep in his subtle, storm-tossed mind, not altogether sorry for what had happened.
And so it was she who went on, speaking slowly and with difficulty: "I know that I have been to blame! I know that I ought never to have spoken of Godfrey as I have sometimes allowed myself to do to you. According to his lights, he is a good husband, and I know that I have been—that I am—a bitter disappointment to him."
He muttered something—she did not hear what it was, and she hurried on: "What I have wanted—and oh, Oliver, I have wanted it so much—is a friend," almost he heard the unspoken words, "not a lover."
She put out her hand in the darkness and laid it, for a moment, on his arm. And then, suddenly, in that moment of, to him, exquisite17, unhoped-for contact, Oliver Tropenell swore to himself most solemnly that he would rest satisfied with what she would, and could, grant him. And so—
"I know that," he said in measured, restrained tones. "And I have made up my mind to be that friend, Laura. We will both forget what happened yesterday. [Pg 55] If you are ashamed, I am a hundred times more so! And do believe me when I tell you that what you said about Godfrey—why, I've forgotten it already—had nothing to do with my outburst. I'm a lonely man, my dear, and somehow, without in the least meaning it, I know, you crept into my heart and filled it all. But already, since yesterday, I've come to a more reasonable frame of mind."
He waited a moment, despising himself for uttering such lying words, and then he went on, this time honestly meaning what he said: "Henceforth, Laura, I swear that I'll never again say a word to you that all the world might not hear. I never did, till yesterday——"
"I know, I know," she said hurriedly. "And that was why I was so surprised."
"Let's put it all behind us and go back to 'as we were'!" He was speaking now with a sort of gruff, good-humoured decision, and Laura sighed, relieved, and yet—so unreasonable18 a being is woman—unsatisfied.
The light from his torch flashed again, and they walked on, under the dark arch of leaves and branches, till they were close to the open road.
And there Laura said, "I wish you would leave me here, Oliver. I feel sure that Aunt Letty is waiting up for you."
He answered her at once. "It won't make more than five minutes' difference. I'll only walk as far as the lodge19. It's a lonely little stretch of road."
"Lonely?" she repeated. "Why, there isn't a bit of it that isn't within hail of Rosedean!"
And then, determined20 to go back to their old easy [Pg 56] companionship, that companionship which had lately become so easy and so intimate that when with him she had often spoken a passing thought aloud, "Katty came home to-day. I must try and see her to-morrow. She's a plucky21 creature, Oliver! I wish that Aunt Letty liked her better than she does."
He answered idly, "There's nothing much either to like or dislike in Mrs. Winslow—at least so it always seems to me."
But she answered quickly, defensively, "There's a great deal to like in her—when I think of Katty Winslow I feel ashamed of myself. I've known her do such kind things! And then she's so good about Godfrey—I don't know what Godfrey would do without her. They knew each other as children. It's as if she was his sister. All that little Pewsbury world which bores me so, is full of interest to them both. I'm always glad when she's at Rosedean. I only wish she didn't go away so often—Godfrey does miss her so!"
"Yes, I know he does," he said drily.
They walked on in silence till they were close to the low lodge.
Laura Pavely held out her hand, and Oliver Tropenell took it in his cool, firm grasp for a moment.
"Good-night," he said. "I suppose we shall meet some time to-morrow?"
She answered eagerly. "Yes, do come in, any time! Alice and I shall be gardening before lunch. Godfrey won't be back till late, for he's sure to go straight to the Bank from the station. He'll be so much obliged to you about that trusteeship, Oliver. It's really very good of you to take so much trouble."
Oliver Tropenell answered slowly, "Yes, I think [Pg 57] Godfrey will be pleased; and as I've already told you, I'll certainly take advantage of his pleasure, Laura, to suggest the plan about Gillie."
Once more she exclaimed: "If only you can persuade Godfrey to let me have Gillie at The Chase for a while, I shall be more than content!"
There was a thrill of excitement, of longing22, in her low voice, as, without waiting for an answer, she walked away, leaving him looking after her. The patch of whiteness formed by the hem13 of her gown moved swiftly along—against the moonlit background of grass, trees, and sky. He stood and watched the moving, fluttering bit of whiteness till it vanished in the grey silvery haze23. Then, slowly, he turned on his heel and made his way back home.
It was nearly a quarter of a mile from the lodge to The Chase, as the house was always called, but there was a rather shorter way across the grass, through trees; and Laura, when she came to where she knew the little path to be, left the carriage way, and stepped up on to the grass.
She felt oppressed, her soul filled with a piteous lassitude and weariness of life, in spite of the coming return home of her only brother. She had been moved and excited, as well as made acutely unhappy, by what had happened yesterday morning. Mrs. Tropenell, as almost always happens in such a case, was not fair to Laura Pavely. Laura had been overwhelmed with surprise—a surprise in which humiliation24 and self-rebuke were intolerably mingled—and yes, a certain proud anger.
The words Oliver had said, and alas25! that it should [Pg 58] be so, the bitter, scornful words she had uttered in reply, had, she felt, degraded them both—she far, far more than him. At the time she had been too deeply hurt, too instinctively26 anxious to punish him, to measure her words. And now she told herself that she had spoken yesterday in a way no man would ever forget, and few, very few men would ever forgive. Though he had been kind to-night—very, very kind—his manner had altered, all the happy ease had gone.
Tears came into Laura Pavely's eyes; they rolled down her cheeks. Suddenly she found herself sobbing27 bitterly.
She stopped walking, and covered her face with her hands. With a depth of pain, unplumbed till now, she told herself that she would never, never be able to make Oliver understand why she had said those cruel stinging words. Without a disloyalty to Godfrey of which she was incapable28, she could not hope to make him understand why she had so profound a distaste, ay, and contempt, for that which, if he had spoken truly yesterday, he thought the greatest thing in the world. With sad, leaden-weighted conviction she realised that there must always be between a man and a woman, however great their friendship and mutual29 confidence, certain barriers that nothing can force or clear.
She had believed, though as a matter of fact she had not thought very much about it, that Oliver Tropenell, in some mysterious way, was unlike ordinary men. As far as she knew, he had never "fallen in love." Women, who, as she could not help knowing, had always played so great a part in her brother Gillie's life, seemed not to exist—so far as Oliver Tropenell [Pg 59] was concerned. He had never even seemed attracted, as almost every man was, by pretty Katty Winslow, the innocent divorcée now living at his very gates. So she, Laura, had allowed herself to slip into a close, intimate relationship which, all unknowingly to her, had proved most dangerous to him....
Still crying bitterly, she told herself that she had been too happy all this summer. Godfrey had been kinder, less, less—she shrank from putting it into words—but yes, less ill-tempered, mean, and tiresome30 than usual. Oliver had had such a good effect on Godfrey, and she had honestly believed that the two were friends.
But how could they be friends if—if it was true that Oliver loved her? Laura Pavely knew nothing of the well-worn byways of our poor human nature.
Suddenly she threw her head back and saw the starlit sky above her. Somehow that wonderful ever-recurring miracle of impersonal31, unearthly beauty calmed and comforted her. Drying her eyes, she told herself that something after all had survived out of yesterday's wreck32. Her friend might be a man—a man as other men were; but he was noble, and singularly selfless, for all that. On the evening of the very day on which she had grievously offended and wounded him, he had written her a kindly letter, offering to be her trustee.
There had been moments to-day when she had thought of writing Mrs. Tropenell a note to say she did not feel well—and that she would not dine at Freshley that night. But oh, how glad she was now that a mixture of pride and feminine delicacy33 had prompted her to behave just as if nothing had happened, [Pg 60] as if words which could never be forgotten had not been uttered between herself and Oliver! She had thought he would punish her this evening by being sulky and disagreeable—that was her husband's invariable method of showing displeasure. But with the exception of a word or two uttered very quietly, and more as if she, rather than he, had something to forgive, he had behaved as if yesterday had never been. He had heaped coals of fire upon her head, making it plain that even now he was only thinking of her—of her and of Gillie, of how he could pleasure them both by securing her a holiday with her only brother.
Every word of that restrained, not very natural, conversation held just now under the beech trees re-echoed in her ears. She seemed to hear again the slowly uttered, measured words, "I am going to be your friend, Laura"....
And then there came over Laura Pavely an extraordinary sensation of moral and mental disturbance34. Once more everything which had happened to-day was blotted35 out, and she went back to yesterday morning. Again she lived through those moments during which Oliver Tropenell had offered her what was to him the greatest thing man has it in him to bestow—love, even if illicit36, unsanctified. And she had rejected the gift with a passion of scorn, spurning37 it as she would have done a base and unclean thing.
Years and years ago, in her quiet, shadowed youth, she too had believed love to be the most precious, beautiful thing in life. Then, with marriage to Godfrey Pavely had come the conviction that love was not beautiful, but very, very ugly—at its best one [Pg 61] of those dubious38 gifts to man by which old Dame39 Nature works out certain cunning designs of her own. And yet, when something of what she believed to be the truth had been uttered by her during that terrible tense exchange of words, she had seen how she, in her turn, had shocked, and even repelled40, Oliver Tropenell.
Once more sobs41 welled up from her throat, once more she covered her face with her hands....
At last, feeling worn out with the violence of an emotion which, unknown to her, vivified her whole being, she walked on till the fine Tudor front of the old house which was at once so little and so much her home, rose before her. It was an infinite comfort to know that Godfrey would not be there waiting for her, and that she would be able to make her way up alone through the sleeping house to the room which opened into her child's nursery.
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1
beech
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| n.山毛榉；adj.山毛榉的 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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peculiarity
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| n.独特性，特色；特殊的东西；怪癖 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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6
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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7
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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meditatively
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| adv.冥想地 | |
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hem
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| n.贴边，镶边；vt.缝贴边；(in)包围，限制 | |
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14
beeches
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| n.山毛榉( beech的名词复数 )；山毛榉木材 | |
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15
constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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plucky
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| adj.勇敢的 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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32
wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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illicit
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| adj.非法的，禁止的，不正当的 | |
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spurning
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| v.一脚踢开，拒绝接受( spurn的现在分词 ) | |
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dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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39
dame
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| n.女士 | |
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40
repelled
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| v.击退( repel的过去式和过去分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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41
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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