A prisoner was trying to explain to a judge and jury his innocence17 of a certain crime. “It’s not meself,” he cried, “as’ll be afther thrying to desave yer honors. I didn’t hit the poor dead gintleman at all, at all. It was him that sthruck the blow, and the exartion killed him, and, what’s more, I wasn’t there at the time.” “I perceive,” observed the judge, “you are trying to prove an alibi18.” “An al-loi-boi!” exclaimed the prisoner, evidently pleased at the big word being suggested[133] to strengthen his defense19. “Yes,” said the judge. “Can you tell me what is a good alibi?” “Faith, yer honor,” replied the prisoner, “and it’s a loi boi which the prisoner gets off.”
“What passed between yourself and the complainant?” inquired the magistrate20 in a county court. “I think, sor,” replied the worthy21 O’Brien, “a half-dozen bricks and a lump of paving-stone.”
“I say, Paddy,” said a tourist to his car-driver, “that is the worst-looking horse you drive I ever saw. Why don’t you fatten22 him up?” “Fat him up, is it?” queried23 the Jehu, “faix, the poor baste24 can hardly carry the little mate that’s on him now!”
“Have you had any experience with children?” inquired a lady of a prospective25 nurse. “Oh, yes, mum,” replied the woman, blandly26. “Oi used to be a child mesilf wanst.”
[134]
A jarvey, who was driving through the streets of Dublin, met with an obstruction27 in the shape of a man riding a donkey. “Now then, you two!” he exclaimed.
An Irish member, named Dogherty, who subsequently became Chief-Justice of Ireland, asked Canning what he thought of his maiden28 speech. “The only fault I can find with it,” said Canning, “is that you called the Speaker sir, too often.” “My dear fellow,” replied Dogherty, “if you knew the mental state I was in while speaking, you would not wonder if I had called him ma’am.”
“Get on, man; get on!” said a traveler to his car-driver. “Wake up your nag29!” “Shure, sor,” was the reply, “I haven’t the heart to bate30 him.” “What’s the matter with him?” inquired the traveler; “is he sick?” “No, sor,” answered the jarvey, “he’s not sick, but it’s unlucky he is, sor, unlucky! You see, sor, every morning, before[135] I put him i’ the car, I tosses him whether he’ll have a feed of oats or I’ll have a dhrink of whisky, an’ the poor baste has lost five mornings running!”
“Did you notice no suspicious character about the neighborhood?” said a magistrate to an inexperienced policeman. “Shure, yer hanner,” replied the policeman, “I saw but one man, an’ I asked him what he was doing there at that time o’ night? Sez he, ‘I have no business here just now, but I expect to open a jewelry31 sthore in the vicinity later on.’ At that I sez, ‘I wish you success, sor.’” “Yes,” said the magistrate, “and he did open a jewelry store in the vicinity later on, and stole seventeen watches.” “Begorra, yer hanner,” answered the constable32 after a pause, “the man may have been a thafe, but he was no liar33!”
“Bridget, I don’t think it is quite the thing for you to entertain company in the[136] kitchen.” “Don’t ye worry, mum. Shure, an’ oi wouldn’t be afther deprivin’ ye o’ th’ parler.”
An old lady in Dublin, weighing about sixteen stone, engaged a car-driver to convey her to a North Wall steamer. Arrived there, she handed the driver his legal fare—sixpence. Gazing disconsolately34 at the coin in his hand, and then at the fat old lady, he exclaimed as he turned away—“I’ll lave ye to the Almoighty, ma’am!”
“Prisoner,” demanded a magistrate of a man charged with begging, “have you any visible means of support?” “Yes, yer honor,” replied the prisoner, and then turning to his wife who was in court, he said, “Bridget, stand up, so that the coort can see yez!”
Now it is plain that we have here a fairly representative selection of the kind of wit and humor that is supposed to come to us[137] out of Ireland. Some of it no doubt is reasonably good, some of it is quite mild. Possibly it is amusing, and calculated to tickle35 old-fashioned people. Yet one has distinct qualms36 about it when one considers it as a means for provoking the laughter of the twentieth-century person. The fact is that humor has been made so much of a cult4 in the modern mind that it has to be very humorous indeed, not to say a trifle subtle, if it is to raise a smile. And in considering the examples quoted, we are faced with a further difficulty. Are these anecdotes37 of unquestionable Irish extraction? I am afraid not. Their authenticity38 is impeachable39. Mutatis mutandis, they have been told of Cockneys and Yorkshire men, and Somersetshire men, and even of Scotchmen. Furthermore, there is nothing in them that can be considered peculiarly and exclusively Irish, or indicative of the Irish temperament40 and character as it exists to-day. Your modern Irishman, as I have pointed41 out, is a dreary42 and melancholy[138] wight. Laughter and sprightliness43 have died out of him, and whether in thought or word he is about as dull and plantigrade as even a sad man can well be. The eminent44 people who stand for Ireland in this country are all of them afflicted45 with a similar lack of cheerfulness. Rouse them, and they can be as bitter and vituperative46 and aboriginal47 as any Scotchman of them all; but their ordinary habit is sad, uncertain, and inept48, and they do not know how to laugh. Here and there one of them at the Bar, or in the House of Commons, or at a greasy49 journalistic banquet, does his feeble best to keep up the Irish tradition for smartness and wittiness50 of remark. But the attempt is invariably a failure, because at the back of it there is no real brain and no real flow of spirits. One of the biggest bullies51 at the Bar is a beefy Irishman who esteems52 himself a great humorist. I have heard him fire off twenty or thirty idiotic53 jokes in the course of half an hour or so, and always does he snigger at the beginning of[139] his precious gibe8; always does he snigger in the middle; always does he make pretense54 of becoming apoplectic55 with chortle at the end. The circumstance that people laugh at him and not with him, does not appear to occur to his small, if legal, mind. His dearest friends call him “the sniggerer,” and it is said that he is in the habit of retiring to his chambers56 of afternoons for the purpose of having a protracted57 fit of giggling58. Primed with four or five glasses of cheap port, his capacity for low comedy becomes so evident that one trembles lest some enterprising theatrical59 manager should offer him the Leno-Welch part in next year’s “Little Goody Two-shoes.” Another “witty60” Irishman, who shall be nameless, came to these shores with a fair array of good gifts at his disposal. Knowing himself for an Irishman, and having faith in the Irish tradition, he forthwith set up in business as a posturing61 clown and professional grinner through horse-collars, with the result that[140] his genius is altogether obscured. Irishmen of all degrees will do better if they endeavor to remember that they have really no sense of humor left. The only one of them who has made anything like a satisfactory reputation in London, Mr. W. B. Yeats to wit, has helped himself to it by being as devoid62 of humor as a bone-yard. Mr. Yeats has never been known publicly to try his hand at the very smallest joke. The sobriety of the hearse is his, and much good sense also. For the eminent Irish, as we know them among us, are by nature neither witty nor humorous; and those who try to be so, succeed in being only fatuous63 and vulgar. Somebody has said cuttingly that a Frenchman consists of equal parts of tiger and monkey. Of certain of the eminent Irish in London it may be said that they are half jackal and half performing dog; for they are at once hungry and fantastic.
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1
platitudes
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n.平常的话,老生常谈,陈词滥调( platitude的名词复数 );滥套子 | |
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accrue
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v.(利息等)增大,增多 | |
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3
faculty
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n.才能;学院,系;(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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cult
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n.异教,邪教;时尚,狂热的崇拜 | |
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wont
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adj.习惯于;v.习惯;n.习惯 | |
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discourse
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n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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gibes
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vi.嘲笑,嘲弄(gibe的第三人称单数形式) | |
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gibe
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n.讥笑;嘲弄 | |
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9
incapable
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adj.无能力的,不能做某事的 | |
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10
hilarious
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adj.充满笑声的,欢闹的;[反]depressed | |
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11
bishops
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(基督教某些教派管辖大教区的)主教( bishop的名词复数 ); (国际象棋的)象 | |
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12
injustice
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n.非正义,不公正,不公平,侵犯(别人的)权利 | |
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13
wittiest
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机智的,言辞巧妙的,情趣横生的( witty的最高级 ) | |
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14
vouchsafe
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v.惠予,准许 | |
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forth
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adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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16
culled
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v.挑选,剔除( cull的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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17
innocence
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n.无罪;天真;无害 | |
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18
alibi
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n.某人当时不在犯罪现场的申辩或证明;借口 | |
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19
defense
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n.防御,保卫;[pl.]防务工事;辩护,答辩 | |
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20
magistrate
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n.地方行政官,地方法官,治安官 | |
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21
worthy
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adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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22
fatten
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v.使肥,变肥 | |
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23
queried
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v.质疑,对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 );询问 | |
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24
baste
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v.殴打,公开责骂 | |
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25
prospective
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adj.预期的,未来的,前瞻性的 | |
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blandly
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adv.温和地,殷勤地 | |
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obstruction
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n.阻塞,堵塞;障碍物 | |
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maiden
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n.少女,处女;adj.未婚的,纯洁的,无经验的 | |
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29
nag
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v.(对…)不停地唠叨;n.爱唠叨的人 | |
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30
bate
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v.压制;减弱;n.(制革用的)软化剂 | |
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31
jewelry
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n.(jewllery)(总称)珠宝 | |
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32
constable
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n.(英国)警察,警官 | |
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33
liar
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n.说谎的人 | |
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34
disconsolately
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adv.悲伤地,愁闷地;哭丧着脸 | |
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35
tickle
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v.搔痒,胳肢;使高兴;发痒;n.搔痒,发痒 | |
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qualms
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n.不安;内疚 | |
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anecdotes
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n.掌故,趣闻,轶事( anecdote的名词复数 ) | |
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authenticity
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n.真实性 | |
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impeachable
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adj.可控告的,可弹劾的 | |
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temperament
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n.气质,性格,性情 | |
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pointed
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adj.尖的,直截了当的 | |
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42
dreary
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adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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43
sprightliness
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n.愉快,快活 | |
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44
eminent
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adj.显赫的,杰出的,有名的,优良的 | |
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afflicted
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使受痛苦,折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
vituperative
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adj.谩骂的;斥责的 | |
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aboriginal
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adj.(指动植物)土生的,原产地的,土著的 | |
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48
inept
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adj.不恰当的,荒谬的,拙劣的 | |
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49
greasy
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adj. 多脂的,油脂的 | |
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50
wittiness
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机智,临机应变 | |
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51
bullies
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n.欺凌弱小者, 开球 vt.恐吓, 威胁, 欺负 | |
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52
esteems
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n.尊敬,好评( esteem的名词复数 )v.尊敬( esteem的第三人称单数 );敬重;认为;以为 | |
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53
idiotic
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adj.白痴的 | |
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54
pretense
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n.矫饰,做作,借口 | |
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55
apoplectic
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adj.中风的;愤怒的;n.中风患者 | |
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56
chambers
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n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
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57
protracted
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adj.拖延的;延长的v.拖延“protract”的过去式和过去分词 | |
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58
giggling
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v.咯咯地笑( giggle的现在分词 ) | |
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59
theatrical
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adj.剧场的,演戏的;做戏似的,做作的 | |
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60
witty
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adj.机智的,风趣的 | |
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61
posturing
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做出某种姿势( posture的现在分词 ) | |
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62
devoid
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adj.全无的,缺乏的 | |
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63
fatuous
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adj.愚昧的;昏庸的 | |
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