Scarcely am I settled in my cubby-hole, typewriter before me, the working plan of a story buzzing about in my brain, when I hear my name called in muffled3 tones, as though the speaker were laboring4 with a mouthful of hairpins5. I pay no attention. I have just given my heroine a pair of calm gray eyes, shaded with black lashes6 and hair to match. A voice floats down from the upstairs regions.
“Dawn! Oh, Dawn! Just run and rescue the cucumbers out of the top of the ice-box, will you? The iceman's coming, and he'll squash 'em.”
A parting jab at my heroine's hair and eyes, and I'm off to save the cucumbers.
Back at my typewriter once more. Shall I make my heroine petite or grande? I decide that stateliness and Gibsonesque height should accompany the calm gray eyes. I rattle7 away happily, the plot unfolding itself in some mysterious way. Sis opens the door a little and peers in. She is dressed for the street.
“Dawn dear, I'm going to the dressmaker's. Frieda's upstairs cleaning the bathroom, so take a little squint8 at the roast now and then, will you? See that it doesn't burn, and that there's plenty of gravy9. Oh, and Dawn—tell the milkman we want an extra half-pint of cream to-day. The tickets are on the kitchen shelf, back of the clock. I'll be back in an hour.”
“Mhmph,” I reply.
Sis shuts the door, but opens it again almost immediately.
“Don't let the Infants bother you. But if Frieda's upstairs and they come to you for something to eat, don't let them have any cookies before dinner. If they're really hungry they'll eat bread and butter.”
I promise, dreamily, my last typewritten sentence still running through my head. The gravy seems to have got into the heroine's calm gray eyes. What heroine could remain calm-eyed when her creator's mind is filled with roast beef? A half-hour elapses before I get back on the track. Then appears the hero—a tall blond youth, fair to behold10. I make him two yards high, and endow him with a pair of clothing-advertisement shoulders.
There assails11 my nostrils12 a fearful smell of scorching13. The roast! A wild rush into the kitchen. I fling open the oven door. The roast is mahogany-colored, and gravyless. It takes fifteen minutes of the most desperate first-aid-to-the-injured measures before the roast is revived.
Back to the writing. It has lost its charm. The gray-eyed heroine is a stick; she moves like an Indian lady outside a cigar shop. The hero is a milk-and-water sissy, without a vital spark in him. What's the use of trying to write, anyway? Nobody wants my stuff. Good for nothing except dubbing14 on a newspaper!
Rap! Rap! Rappity-rap-rap! Bing! Milk!
I dash into the kitchen. No milk! No milkman! I fly to the door. He is disappearing around the corner of the house.
“Hi! Mr. Milkman! Say, Mr. Milkman!” with frantic15 beckonings.
He turns. He lifts up his voice. “The screen door was locked so I left youse yer milk on top of the ice-box on the back porch. Thought like the hired girl was upstairs an' I could git the tickets to-morra.”
I explain about the cream, adding that it is wanted for short-cake. The explanation does not seem to cheer him. He appears to be a very gloomy and reserved milkman. I fancy that he is in the habit of indulging in a little airy persiflage16 with Frieda o' mornings, and he finds me a poor substitute for her red-cheeked comeliness17.
The milk safely stowed away in the ice-box, I have another look at the roast. I am dipping up spoonfuls of brown gravy and pouring them over the surface of the roast in approved basting18 style, when there is a rush, a scramble19, and two hard bodies precipitate20 themselves upon my legs so suddenly that for a moment my head pitches forward into the oven. I withdraw my head from the oven, hastily. The basting spoon is immersed in the bottom of the pan. I turn, indignant. The Spalpeens look up at me with innocent eyes.
“You little divils, what do you mean by shoving your old aunt into the oven! It's cannibals you are!”
The idea pleases them. They release my legs and execute a savage21 war dance around me. The Spalpeens are firm in the belief that I was brought to their home for their sole amusement, and they refuse to take me seriously. The Spalpeens themselves are two of the finest examples of real humor that ever were perpetrated upon parents. Sheila is the first-born. Norah decided22 that she should be an Irish beauty, and bestowed23 upon her a name that reeks24 of the bogs25. Whereupon Sheila, at the age of six, is as flaxen-haired and blue-eyed and stolid26 a little German madchen as ever fooled her parents, and she is a feminine reproduction of her German Dad. Two years later came a sturdy boy, and they named him Hans, in a flaunt27 of defiance28. Hans is black-haired, gray-eyed and Irish as Killarny.
“We're awful hungry,” announces Sheila.
“Can't you wait until dinner time? Such a grand dinner!”
Sheila and Hans roll their eyes to convey to me that, were they to wait until dinner for sustenance29 we should find but their lifeless forms.
“Well then, Auntie will get a nice piece of bread and butter for each of you.”
“Don't want bread an' butty!” shrieks30 Hans. “Want tooky!”
“Cooky!” echoes Sheila, pounding on the kitchen table with the rescued basting spoon.
“You can't have cookies before dinner. They're bad for your insides.”
“Can too,” disputes Hans. “Fwieda dives us tookies. Want tooky!” wailingly32.
“Please, ple-e-e-ease, Auntie Dawnie dearie,” wheedles33 Sheila, wriggling34 her soft little fingers in my hand.
“But Mother never lets you have cookies before dinner,” I retort severely35. “She knows they are bad for you.”
“Pooh, she does too! She always says, 'No, not a cooky!' And then we beg and screech36, and then she says, 'Oh, for pity's sake, Frieda, give 'em a cooky and send 'em out. One cooky can't kill 'em.'” Sheila's imitation is delicious.
Hans catches the word screech and takes it as his cue. He begins a series of ear-piercing wails37. Sheila surveys him with pride and then takes the wail31 up in a minor38 key. Their teamwork is marvelous. I fly to the cooky jar and extract two round and sugary confections. I thrust them into the pink, eager palms. The wails cease. Solemnly they place one cooky atop the other, measuring the circlets with grave eyes.
“Mine's a weeny bit bigger'n yours this time,” decides Sheila, and holds her cooky heroically while Hans takes a just and lawful39 bite out of his sister's larger share.
“The blessed little angels!” I say to myself, melting. “The dear, unselfish little sweeties!” and give each of them another cooky.
Back to my typewriter. But the words flatly refuse to come now. I make six false starts, bite all my best finger-nails, screw my hair into a wilderness40 of cork-screws and give it up. No doubt a real Lady Writer could write on, unruffled and unhearing, while the iceman squashed the cucumbers, and the roast burned to a frazzle, and the Spalpeens perished of hunger. Possessed41 of the real spark of genius, trivialities like milkmen and cucumbers could not dim its glow. Perhaps all successful Lady Writers with real live sparks have cooks and scullery maids, and need not worry about basting, and gravy, and milkmen.
This book writing is all very well for those who have a large faith in the future and an equally large bank account. But my future will have to be hand-carved, and my bank account has always been an all too small pay envelope at the end of each week. It will be months before the book is shaped and finished. And my pocketbook is empty. Last week Max sent money for the care of Peter. He and Norah think that I do not know.
Von Gerhard was here in August. I told him that all my firm resolutions to forsake42 newspaperdom forever were slipping away, one by one.
“I have heard of the fascination43 of the newspaper office,” he said, in his understanding way. “I believe you have a heimweh for it, not?”
“Heimweh! That's the word,” I had agreed. “After you have been a newspaper writer for seven years—and loved it—you will be a newspaper writer, at heart and by instinct at least, until you die. There's no getting away from it. It's in the blood. Newspaper men have been known to inherit fortunes, to enter politics, to write books and become famous, to degenerate46 into press agents and become infamous47, to blossom into personages, to sink into nonentities48, but their news-nose remained a part of them, and the inky, smoky, stuffy49 smell of a newspaper office was ever sweet in their nostrils.”
But, “Not yet,” Von Gerhard had said, “It unless you want to have again this miserable50 business of the sick nerfs. Wait yet a few months.”
And so I have waited, saying nothing to Norah and Max. But I want to be in the midst of things. I miss the sensation of having my fingers at the pulse of the big old world. I'm lonely for the noise and the rush and the hard work; for a glimpse of the busy local room just before press time, when the lights are swimming in a smoky haze51, and the big presses downstairs are thundering their warning to hurry, and the men are breezing in from their runs with the grist of news that will be ground finer and finer as it passes through the mill of copy-readers' and editors' hands. I want to be there in the thick of the confusion that is, after all, so orderly. I want to be there when the telephone bells are zinging, and the typewriters are snapping, and the messenger boys are shuffling52 in and out, and the office kids are scuffling in a corner, and the big city editor, collar off, sleeves rolled up from his great arms, hair bristling53 wildly above his green eye-shade, is swearing gently and smoking cigarette after cigarette, lighting54 each fresh one at the dying glow of the last. I would give a year of my life to hear him say:
“I don't mind tellin' you, Beatrice Fairfax, that that was a darn good story you got on the Millhaupt divorce. The other fellows haven't a word that isn't re-hash.”
All of which is most unwomanly; for is not marriage woman's highest aim, and home her true sphere? Haven't I tried both? I ought to know. I merely have been miscast in this life's drama. My part should have been that of one who makes her way alone. Peter, with his thin, cruel lips, and his shaking hands, and his haggard face and his smoldering55 eyes, is a shadow forever blotting56 out the sunny places in my path. I was meant to be an old maid, like the terrible old Kitty O'Hara. Not one of the tatting-and-tea kind, but an impressive, bustling58 old girl, with a double chin. The sharp-tongued Kitty O'Hara used to say that being an old maid was a great deal like death by drowning—a really delightful59 sensation when you ceased struggling.
Norah has pleaded with me to be more like other women of my age, and for her sake I've tried. She has led me about to bridge parties and tea fights, and I have tried to act as though I were enjoying it all, but I knew that I wasn't getting on a bit. I have come to the conclusion that one year of newspapering counts for two years of ordinary, existence, and that while I'm twenty-eight in the family Bible I'm fully60 forty inside. When one day may bring under one's pen a priest, a pauper61, a prostitute, a philanthropist, each with a story to tell, and each requiring to be bullied62, or cajoled, or bribed63, or threatened, or tricked into telling it; then the end of that day's work finds one looking out at the world with eyes that are very tired and as old as the world itself.
I'm spoiled for sewing bees and church sociables and afternoon bridges. A hunger for the city is upon me. The long, lazy summer days have slipped by. There is an autumn tang in the air. The breeze has a touch that is sharp.
Winter in a little northern town! I should go mad. But winter in the city! The streets at dusk on a frosty evening; the shop windows arranged by artist hands for the beauty-loving eyes of women; the rows of lights like jewels strung on an invisible chain; the glitter of brass64 and enamel65 as the endless procession of motors flashes past; the smartly-gowned women; the keen-eyed, nervous men; the shrill66 note of the crossing policeman's whistle; every smoke-grimed wall and pillar taking on a mysterious shadowy beauty in the purple dusk, every unsightly blot57 obscured by the kindly67 night. But best of all, the fascination of the People I'd Like to Know. They pop up now and then in the shifting crowds, and are gone the next moment, leaving behind them a vague regret. Sometimes I call them the People I'd Like to Know and sometimes I call them the People I Know I'd Like, but it means much the same. Their faces flash by in the crowd, and are gone, but I recognize them instantly as belonging to my beloved circle of unknown friends.
Once it was a girl opposite me in a car—a girl with a wide, humorous mouth, and tragic68 eyes, and a hole in her shoe. Once it was a big, homely69, red-headed giant of a man with an engineering magazine sticking out of his coat pocket. He was standing44 at a book counter reading Dickens like a schoolboy and laughing in all the right places, I know, because I peaked over his shoulder to see. Another time it was a sprightly70 little, grizzled old woman, staring into a dazzling shop window in which was displayed a wonderful collection of fashionably impossible hats and gowns. She was dressed all in rusty71 black, was the little old lady, and she had a quaint72 cast in her left eye that gave her the oddest, most sporting look. The cast was working overtime73 as she gazed at the gowns, and the ridiculous old sprigs on her rusty black bonnet74 trembled with her silent mirth. She looked like one of those clever, epigrammatic, dowdy75 old duchesses that one reads about in English novels. I'm sure she had cardamon seeds in her shabby bag, and a carriage with a crest76 on it waiting for her just around the corner. I ached to slip my hand through her arm and ask her what she thought of it all. I know that her reply would have been exquisitely77 witty78 and audacious, and I did so long to hear her say it.
No doubt some good angel tugs79 at my common sense, restraining me from doing these things that I am tempted80 to do. Of course it would be madness for a woman to address unknown red-headed men with the look of an engineer about them and a book of Dickens in their hands; or perky old women with nutcracker faces; or girls with wide humorous mouths. Oh, it couldn't be done, I suppose. They would clap me in a padded cell in no time if I were to say:
“Mister Red-headed Man, I'm so glad your heart is young enough for Dickens. I love him too—enough to read him standing at a book counter in a busy shop. And do you know, I like the squareness of your jaw81, and the way your eyes crinkle up when you laugh; and as for your being an engineer—why one of the very first men I ever loved was the engineer in 'Soldiers of Fortune.'”
I wonder what the girl in the car would have said if I had crossed over to her, and put my hand on her arm and spoken, thus:
“Girl with the wide, humorous mouth, and the tragic eyes, and the hole in your shoe, I think you must be an awfully82 good sort. I'll wager83 you paint, or write, or act, or do something clever like that for a living. But from that hole in your shoe which you have inked so carefully, although it persists in showing white at the seams, I fancy you are stumbling over a rather stony84 bit of Life's road just now. And from the look in your eyes, girl, I'm afraid the stones have cut and bruised85 rather cruelly. But when I look at your smiling, humorous mouth I know that you are trying to laugh at the hurts. I think that this morning, when you inked your shoe for the dozenth time, you hesitated between tears and laughter, and the laugh won, thank God! Please keep right on laughing, and don't you dare stop for a minute! Because pretty soon you'll come to a smooth easy place, and then won't you be glad that you didn't give up to lie down by the roadside, weary of your hurts?”
Oh, it would never do. Never. And yet no charm possessed by the people I know and like can compare with the fascination of those People I'd Like to Know, and Know I Would Like.
Here at home with Norah there are no faces in the crowds. There are no crowds. When you turn the corner at Main street you are quite sure that you will see the same people in the same places. You know that Mamie Hayes will be flapping her duster just outside the door of the jewelry86 store where she clerks. She gazes up and down Main street as she flaps the cloth, her bright eyes keeping a sharp watch for stray traveling men that may chance to be passing. You know that there will be the same lounging group of white-faced, vacant-eyed youths outside the pool-room. Dr. Briggs's patient runabout will be standing at his office doorway87. Outside his butcher shop Assemblyman Schenck will be holding forth88 on the subject of county politics to a group of red-faced, badly dressed, prosperous looking farmers and townsmen, and as he talks the circle of brown tobacco juice which surrounds the group closes in upon them, nearer and nearer. And there, in a roomy chair in a corner of the public library reference room, facing the big front window, you will see Old Man Randall. His white hair forms a halo above his pitiful drink-marred face. He was to have been a great lawyer, was Old Man Randall. But on the road to fame he met Drink, and she grasped his arm, and led him down by-ways, and into crooked89 lanes, and finally into ditches, and he never arrived at his goal. There in that library window nook it is cool in summer, and warm in winter. So he sits and dreams, holding an open volume, unread, on his knees. Some times he writes, hunched90 up in his corner, feverishly91 scribbling92 at ridiculous plays, short stories, and novels which later he will insist on reading to the tittering schoolboys and girls who come into the library to do their courting and reference work. Presently, when it grows dusk, Old Man Randall will put away his book, throw his coat over his shoulders, sleeves dangling93, flowing white locks sweeping94 the frayed95 velvet96 collar. He will march out with his soldierly tread, humming a bit of a tune45, down the street and into Vandermeister's saloon, where he will beg a drink and a lunch, and some man will give it to him for the sake of what Old Man Randall might have been.
All these things you know. And knowing them, what is left for the imagination? How can one dream dreams about people when one knows how much they pay their hired girl, and what they have for dinner on Wednesdays?
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1
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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muffled
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| adj.（声音）被隔的；听不太清的；（衣服）裹严的；蒙住的v.压抑，捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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4
laboring
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| n.劳动，操劳v.努力争取(for)( labor的现在分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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hairpins
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| n.发夹( hairpin的名词复数 ) | |
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lashes
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| n.鞭挞( lash的名词复数 )；鞭子；突然猛烈的一击；急速挥动v.鞭打( lash的第三人称单数 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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squint
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| v. 使变斜视眼, 斜视, 眯眼看, 偏移, 窥视; n. 斜视, 斜孔小窗; adj. 斜视的, 斜的 | |
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gravy
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| n.肉汁；轻易得来的钱，外快 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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assails
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| v.攻击( assail的第三人称单数 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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scorching
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| adj. 灼热的 | |
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dubbing
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| n.配音v.给…起绰号( dub的现在分词 )；把…称为；配音；复制 | |
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frantic
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| adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的 | |
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persiflage
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| n.戏弄；挖苦 | |
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comeliness
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| n. 清秀, 美丽, 合宜 | |
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basting
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| n.疏缝；疏缝的针脚；疏缝用线；涂油v.打( baste的现在分词 )；粗缝；痛斥；（烤肉等时）往上抹[浇]油 | |
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scramble
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| v.爬行，攀爬，杂乱蔓延，碎片，片段，废料 | |
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precipitate
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| adj.突如其来的；vt.使突然发生；n.沉淀物 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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24
reeks
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| n.恶臭( reek的名词复数 )v.发出浓烈的臭气( reek的第三人称单数 )；散发臭气；发出难闻的气味 (of sth)；明显带有（令人不快或生疑的跡象） | |
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bogs
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| n.沼泽，泥塘( bog的名词复数 )；厕所v.（使）陷入泥沼， （使）陷入困境( bog的第三人称单数 )；妨碍，阻碍 | |
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stolid
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| adj.无动于衷的，感情麻木的 | |
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flaunt
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| vt.夸耀，夸饰 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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sustenance
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| n.食物，粮食；生活资料；生计 | |
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shrieks
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| n.尖叫声( shriek的名词复数 )v.尖叫( shriek的第三人称单数 ) | |
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wail
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| vt./vi.大声哀号，恸哭；呼啸，尖啸 | |
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wailingly
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| 愿意地，乐意地 | |
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wheedles
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| v.骗取（某物），哄骗（某人干某事）( wheedle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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wriggling
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| v.扭动，蠕动，蜿蜒行进( wriggle的现在分词 )；（使身体某一部位）扭动；耍滑不做，逃避（应做的事等）；蠕蠕 | |
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severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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36
screech
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| n./v.尖叫；(发出)刺耳的声音 | |
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37
wails
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| 痛哭，哭声( wail的名词复数 ) | |
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38
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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39
lawful
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| adj.法律许可的，守法的，合法的 | |
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40
wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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41
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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42
forsake
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| vt.遗弃，抛弃；舍弃，放弃 | |
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43
fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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44
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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45
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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46
degenerate
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| v.退步，堕落；adj.退步的，堕落的；n.堕落者 | |
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47
infamous
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| adj.声名狼藉的，臭名昭著的，邪恶的 | |
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nonentities
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| n.无足轻重的人( nonentity的名词复数 )；蝼蚁 | |
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stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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shuffling
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| adj. 慢慢移动的, 滑移的 动词shuffle的现在分词形式 | |
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bristling
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| a.竖立的 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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smoldering
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| v.用文火焖烧，熏烧，慢燃( smolder的现在分词 ) | |
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blotting
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| 吸墨水纸 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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bustling
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| adj.喧闹的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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pauper
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| n.贫民，被救济者，穷人 | |
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bullied
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| adj.被欺负了v.恐吓，威逼( bully的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bribed
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| v.贿赂( bribe的过去式和过去分词 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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enamel
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| n.珐琅，搪瓷，瓷釉；(牙齿的)珐琅质 | |
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shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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sprightly
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| adj.愉快的，活泼的 | |
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rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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overtime
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| adj.超时的，加班的；adv.加班地 | |
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bonnet
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| n.无边女帽；童帽 | |
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dowdy
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| adj.不整洁的；过旧的 | |
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crest
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| n.顶点；饰章；羽冠；vt.达到顶点；vi.形成浪尖 | |
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exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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tugs
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| n.猛拉( tug的名词复数 )；猛拖；拖船v.用力拉，使劲拉，猛扯( tug的第三人称单数 ) | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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wager
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| n.赌注；vt.押注，打赌 | |
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84
stony
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| adj.石头的，多石头的，冷酷的，无情的 | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的，瘀紫的 | |
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jewelry
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| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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hunched
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| （常指因寒冷、生病或愁苦）耸肩弓身的，伏首前倾的 | |
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feverishly
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| adv. 兴奋地 | |
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scribbling
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| n.乱涂[写]胡[乱]写的文章[作品]v.潦草的书写( scribble的现在分词 )；乱画；草草地写；匆匆记下 | |
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dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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95
frayed
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| adj.磨损的v.（使布、绳等）磨损，磨破( fray的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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