He reached it just in time to see her run like a deer across the sun-dappled grass, after a bright ball Meg had thrown to her, with an infantile aimlessness which precluded11 all possibility of its being caught. She made a graceful12 dart13 at it, picked it up, and came back under the trees, tossing it in the air, and catching14 it again with a deft15 turn of hand and wrist. She was flushed with the exercise, and, for the moment, almost radiant; she held her dress closely about her figure, her face was upturned and her eyes were uplifted, and she was as unconscious as Meg herself.
When she saw him she threw the ball to the children, and came forward to the window.
"Does Janey want me?" she asked.
"No. She is asleep."
"Do you want me?"
"I want to see you go on with your game."
"It is not my game," she answered, smiling. "It is Jack's and Meg's. Suppose you come and join them. It will fill them with rapture16, and I shall like to look on."
When he came out she sat down under a tree leaning against the trunk, and watched him, her eyes following the swift flight of the ball high into the blue above them, as he flung it upward among the delighted clamor of the children. He had always excelled in sports and[Pg 196] feats17 of strength, and in this simple feat18 of throwing the ball his physical force and grace displayed themselves to decided19 advantage. The ball went up, as an arrow flies from the bow, hurtling through the air, until it was little more than a black speck20 to the eye. When it came back to earth he picked it up and threw it again, and each time it seemed to reach a greater height than the last.
"That is very fine," she said. "I like to see you do it."
"Why?" he asked, pausing.
"I like the force you put into it," she answered. "It scarcely seems like play."
"I did not know that," he said; "but I am afraid I am always in earnest. That is my misfortune."
"It is a great misfortune," she said. "Don't be in earnest," with a gesture as if she would sweep the suggestion away with her hand. "Go on with your game. Let us be like children, and play. Our holiday will be over soon enough, and we shall have to return to Washington and effete21 civilization."
"Is it a holiday?" he asked her.
"Yes," she answered. "Now that Janey is getting better I am deliberately22 taking a holiday. Nothing rests me so much as forgetting things."
"Are you forgetting things?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied, looking away; "everything."
Then the children demanded his attention, and he returned to his ball-throwing.
If she was taking a holiday with deliberate intention she did it well. In a few days Janey was well enough to be carried out and laid on one of the two hammocks swung beneath the trees, and then far the greater part of the day was spent in the open air. To Tredennis it seemed that Bertha made the most of every hour, whether she swung in her hammock with her face upturned to the trees, or sat reading, or talking as she worked with the decorous little basket, at which she had jeered23, upon her knee.
[Pg 197]
He was often reminded in these days of what the professor had said of her tenderness for her children. It revealed itself in a hundred trifling24 ways, in her touch, in her voice, in her almost unconscious habit of caring for them, and, more than all, in a certain pretty, inconvenient25 fashion they had of getting close to her, and clinging about her, at all sorts of inopportune moments. Once when she had run to comfort Meg who had fallen down, and had come back to the hammock, carrying her in her arms, he was betrayed into speaking.
"I did not think,"—he began, and then he checked himself guiltily.
"You did not think?" she repeated.
He began to recognize his indiscretion.
"I beg your pardon," he said, "I was going to make a blunder."
She sat down in the hammock, with the child in her arms.
"You were going to say that you did not think I cared so much for my children," she said, gently. "Do you suppose I did not know that? Well, perhaps it was not a blunder. Perhaps it is only one of my pretences26."
"Don't speak like that," he implored27.
The next instant he saw that tears had risen in her eyes.
"No," she said. "I will not. Why should I? It is not true. I love them very much. However bad you are, I think you must love your children. Of course, my saying that I loved them might go for nothing; but don't you see," she went on with a pathetic thrill in her voice, "that they love me? They would not love me, if I did not care for them."
"I know that," he returned remorsefully28. "It was only one of my blunders, as I said. But you have so bewildered me sometimes. When I first returned I could not understand you. It was as if I found myself face to face with a creature I had never seen before."
[Pg 198]
"You did," she said. "That was it. Perhaps I never was the creature you fancied me."
"Don't say that," he replied. "Since I have been here I have seen you as I used to dream of you, when I sat by the fire in my quarters in the long winter nights."
"Did you ever think of me like that?" she said slowly, and with surprise in her face.
He had not thought of what he was revealing, and he did not think of it now.
"I never forgot you," he said. "Never."
"It seems very strange—to hear that now," she said. "I never dreamed of your thinking of me—afterwards. You seemed to take so little notice of me."
"It is my good fortune," he said, with a touch of bitterness, "that I never seem to take notice of anything."
"I suppose," she went on, "that you remembered me because you were lonely at first, and there was no one else to think of."
"Perhaps that was it," he answered.
"After all," she said, "it was natural—only I never thought"—
"It was as natural that you should forget as that I should remember," he said.
Her face had been slightly averted29, and she turned it toward him.
"But I did not forget," she said.
"You did not?"
"No. At first, it is true, I scarcely seemed to have time for anything, but to be happy and enjoy the days, as they went by. Oh! what bright days they were, and how far away they seem! Perhaps, if I had known that they would come to an end really, I might have tried to make them pass more slowly."
"They went slowly for me," he said. "I was glad when they were over."
"Were you so very lonely!" she asked.
"Yes."
[Pg 199]
"Would it have pleased you, if I had written to you when papa did?"
"Did you ever think of doing it?" he asked.
The expression dawning in her eyes was a curious one—there was a suggestion of dread30 in it.
"Once," she replied. "I began a letter to you. It was on a dull day, when I was restless and unhappy for the first time in my life; and suddenly I thought of you, and I felt as if I should like to speak to you again,—and I began the letter."
"But you did not finish it."
"No. I only wrote a few lines, and then stopped. I said to myself that it was not likely that you had remembered me in the way I had remembered you, so I laid my letter aside. I saw it only a few days ago among some old papers in my trunk."
"You have it yet?"
"I did not know that I had it, until I saw it the other day. It seems strange that it should have lain hidden all these years, and then have come to light. I laid it away thinking I might find courage to finish it sometime. There are only a few lines, but they prove that my memory was not so bad as you thought."
He had been lying on the grass a few feet away from her. As she talked he had looked not at her, but at the bits of blue sky showing through the interlacing greenness of the trees above him. Now he suddenly half rose and leaned upon his elbow.
"Will you give it to me?" he said.
"Do you want it? It is only a yellow scrap31 of paper."
"I think it belongs to me," he said. "I have a right to it."
She got up without a word and went toward the house, leading Meg by the hand. Tredennis watched her retreating figure in silence until she went in at the door. His face set, and his lips pressed together, then he flung himself backward and lay at full length again, seeing only the bright green of the leaves and the bits[Pg 200] of intense blue between. It was well that he was alone. His sense of impotent anguish32 was more than he had strength to bear, and it wrung33 a cry from him.
"My God!" he said; "my God!" He was still lying so when Bertha returned. She had not been away many minutes, and she came back alone with the unfinished letter in her hand.
He took it from her without comment, and looked at it. The faint odor of heliotrope34 he knew so well floated up to him as he bent35 over the paper. As she had said, there were only a few lines, and she had evidently been dissatisfied with them, and irresolute36 about them, for several words were erased37 as if with girlish impatience38. At the head of the page was written first: Dear Philip, and then Dear Captain Tredennis, and there were two or three different opening sentences. As he read each one through the erasures, he thought he understood the innocent, unconscious appeal in it, and he seemed to see the girl-face bending above it, changing from eagerness to uncertainty39, and from uncertainty to the timidity which had made her despair.
"I wish you had finished it," he said.
"I wish I had," she answered, and then she added vaguely, "if it would have pleased you."
He folded it, and put it in his breast-pocket and laid down once more, and it was not referred to again.
It seemed to Tredennis, at least, that there never before had been such a day as the one which followed. After a night of rain the intense heat subsided40, leaving freshness of verdure, skies of the deepest, clearest blue, and a balmy, luxurious41 sweetness in the air, deliciously pungent42 with the odors of cedar43 and pine.
When he came down in the morning, and entered the breakfast room, he found it empty. The sunlight streamed through the lattice-work of vines, and the cloth was laid, with the pretty blue cups and saucers in waiting; but Bertha was not there, and, fancying she had risen later than usual, he went out into the open air.
[Pg 201]
The next morning he was to return to Washington. There was no absolute need of his remaining longer. The child had so far recovered that, at the doctor's suggestion, in a few days she was to be removed to the sea-side. Nevertheless, it had cost him a struggle to arrive at his decision, and it had required resolution to announce it to Bertha. It would have been far easier to let the days slip by as they would, and when he told her of his intended departure, and she received the news with little more than a few words of regret at it, and gratitude for the services he had rendered, he felt it rather hard to bear.
"If it had been Arbuthnot," he thought, "she would not have borne it so calmly." And then he reproached himself bitterly for his inconsistency.
"Did I come here to make her regret me, when I left her?" he said. "What a fool a man can make of himself, if he gives way to his folly44!"
As he descended45 the steps of the porch he saw her, and he had scarcely caught sight of her before she turned and came toward him. He recognized at once that she had made a change in her dress; that it was no longer such as she had worn while in attendance upon Janey, and that it had a delicate holiday air about it, notwithstanding its simplicity46.
"Was there ever such a day before?" she said, as she came to him.
"I thought not, as I looked out of my window," he replied.
"It is your last," she said, "and I should like you to remember it as being pleasanter than all the rest; though," she added, thoughtfully, "the rest have been pleasant."
Then she looked up at him, with a smile.
"Do you see my gala attire47?" she said. "It was Janey who suggested it. She thinks I have not been doing myself justice since you have been here."
"That," he said, regarding her seriously, "is a very[Pg 202] beautiful gown, but"—with an entirely48 respectful sense of inadequacy49 of expression—"you always wear beautiful gowns, I believe."
"Did Mr. Arbuthnot tell you so?" she said, "or was it Miss Jessup?"
They breakfasted together in the sunny room, and after breakfast they rambled50 out together. It was she who led, and he who followed, with a curious, dreamy pleasure in all he did, and in every beauty around him, even in the unreal passiveness of his very mood itself. He had never been so keenly conscious of things before; everything impressed itself upon him,—the blue of the sky, the indolent sway of the leaves, the warmth of the air, and the sweet odors in it, the broken song of the birds, the very sound of Bertha's light tread as they walked.
"I am going to give the day to you," she had said. "And you shall see the children's favorite camping-ground on the hill. Before Janey was ill we used to go there almost every day."
Behind the house was a wood-covered hill, and half-way up was the favored spot. It was a sort of bower51 formed by the clambering of a great vine from one tree to another, making a canopy52, under which, through a break in the trees, could be seen the most perfect view of the country below, and the bend of the river. The ground was carpeted with moss53, and there was a moss-covered rock to lean against, which was still ornamented54 with the acorn55 cups and saucers with which the children had entertained their family of dolls on their last visit.
"See," said Bertha, taking one of them up when she sat down. "When we were here last we had a tea-party, and it was poor Janey's headache which brought it to a close. At the height of the festivities she laid down her best doll, and came to me to cry, and we were obliged to carry her home."
"Poor child!" said Tredennis. He saw only her face[Pg 203] upturned under the shadow of the white hat,—a pretty hat, with small, soft, downy plumes56 upon it, and a general air of belonging to the great world.
"Sit down," said Bertha, "or you may lie down, if you like, and look at the river, and not speak to me at all." He lay down, stretching his great length upon the soft moss, and clasping his hands beneath his head. Bertha clasped her hands about her knee and leaned slightly forward, looking at the view as if she had never seen it before.
"Is this a dream?" Tredennis said, languidly, at last. "I think it must be."
"Yes," she answered, "that is why the air is so warm and fragrant57, and the sky so blue, and the scent58 of the pines so delicious. It is all different when one is awake. That is why I am making the most of every second, and am determined59 to enjoy it to the very utmost."
"That is what I am doing," he said.
"It is not a good plan, as a rule," she began, and then checked herself. "No," she said, "I won't say that. It is a worldly and Washingtonian sentiment. I will save it until next winter."
"Don't save it at all," he said; "it is an unnatural60 sentiment. It isn't true, and you do not really believe it."
"It is safer," she said.
He lay still a moment, looking down the hillside through the trees at the broad sweep of the river bend and the purple hills beyond.
"Bertha," he said, at last, "sometimes I hate the man who has taught you all this."
She plucked at the red-tipped moss at her side for a second or so before she replied; she showed no surprise or hurry when she spoke61.
"Laurence Arbuthnot!" she said. "Sometimes I hate him, too; but it is only for a moment,—when he tells me the simple, deadly truth, and I know it is the truth, and wish I did not."
[Pg 204]
She threw the little handful of moss down the hill as if she threw something away with it.
"But this is not being happy," she said. "Let us be happy. I will be happy. Janey is better, and all my anxiety is over, and it is such a lovely day, and I have put on my favorite gown to celebrate it in. Look at the color of the hills over there—listen to those doves in the pines. How warm and soft the wind is, and how the scent of my carnations62 fills the air! Ah, what a bright world it is, after all!"
She broke into singing softly, and half under breath, a snatch of a gay little song. Tredennis had never heard her sing it before, and thought it wonderfully sweet. But she sang no more than a line or two, and then turned to him, with a smile in her eyes.
"Now," she said, "it is your turn. Talk to me. Tell me about your life in the West; tell me all you did the first year, and begin—begin just where you left me the night you bade me good-by at the carriage-door."
"I am afraid it would not be a very interesting story," he said.
"It would interest me," she answered. "There are camp-fires in it, and scalps, and Indians, and probably war-paths." And her voice falling a little, "I want to discover why it was that you always seemed to be so much alone, and sat and thought in that dreary63 way by the fire in your quarters. It seems to me that you have been a great deal alone."
"I have been a great deal alone," he said; "that is true."
"It must have been so even when you were a child," she went on. "I heard you tell Janey once that when you were her age you belonged to no one. I don't like to think of that. It touches the maternal64 side of me. It makes me think of Jack. Suppose Jack belonged to no one; and you were not so old as Jack. I wonder if you were at all like him, and how you looked. I wish there was a picture of you I could see."
[Pg 205]
He had never regarded himself as an object likely to interest in any degree, and had lost many of the consolations65 and excitements of the more personal kind thereby66; and to find that she had even given a sympathetic thought to the far-away childhood whose desolateness68 he himself had never quite analyzed69, at once touched and bewildered him.
"I have not been without friends," he said, "but I am sure no one ever gave much special thought to me. Perhaps it is because men are scarcely likely to give such thoughts to men, and I have not known women. My parents died before I was a year old, and I don't think any one was ever particularly fond of me. People did not dislike me, but they passed me over. I never wondered at it, but I saw it. I knew there was something a little wrong with me; but I could not understand what it was. I know now: I was silent, and could not express what I thought and felt."
"Oh!" she cried; "and was there no one to help you?"
There was no thought of him as a full-grown person in the exclamation70; it was a womanish outcry for the child, whose desolate67 childhood seemed for the moment to be an existence which had never ended.
"I know about children," she said, "and what suffering there is for them if they are left alone. They can say so little, and we can say so much. Haven't I seen them try to explain things when they were at a disadvantage and overpowered by the sheer strength of some full-grown creature? Haven't I seen them make their impotent little struggle for words and fail, and look up with their helpless eyes and see the uselessness of it, and break down into their poor little shrieks71 of wrath72 and grief? The happiest of them go through it sometimes, and those who are left alone—Why didn't some woman see and understand?—some woman ought to have seen and cared for you."
Tredennis found himself absorbed in contemplation of[Pg 206] her. He was not sure that there were not tears in her eyes, and yet he could hardly believe it possible.
"That is all true," he said; "you understand it better than I did. I understood the feeling no better than I understood the reason for it."
"I understand it because I have children," she answered. "And because I have watched them and loved them, and would give my heart's blood for them. To have children makes one like a tiger, at times. The passion one can feel through the wrongs of a child is something awful. One can feel it for any child—for all children. But for one's own"—
She ended with a sharply drawn73 breath. The sudden uncontrollable fierceness, which seemed to have made her in a second,—in her soft white gown and lace, and her pretty hat, with its air of good society,—a small, wild creature, whom no law of man could touch, affected74 him like an electric shock; perhaps the thrill it gave him revealed itself in his look, and she saw it, for she seemed to become conscious of herself and her mood, with a start. She made a quick, uneasy movement and effort to recover herself.
"I beg your pardon," she said, with a half laugh. "But I couldn't help it. It was"—and she paused a second for reflection,—"it was the primeval savage75 in me." And she turned and clasped her hands about her knee again, resuming her attitude of attention, even while the folds of lace on her bosom76 were still stirred by her quick breathing.
But, though she might resume her attitude, it was not so easy to resume the calmness of her mood. Having been stirred once, it was less difficult to be stirred again. When he began, at last, to tell the story of his life on the frontier, if his vanity had been concerned he would have felt that she made a good listener. But his vanity had nothing to do with his obedience77 to her wish. He made as plain a story as his material would allow, and also made persistent, though scarcely [Pg 207]successful, efforts to avoid figuring as a hero. He was, indeed, rather abashed78 to find, on recurring79 to facts, that he had done so much to bring himself to the front. He even found himself at last taking refuge in the subterfuge80 of speaking of himself in the third person as "one of the party," when recounting a specially81 thrilling adventure in which he discovered that he had unblushingly distinguished82 himself. It was an exciting story of the capture of some white women by the Indians at a critical juncture83, when but few men could be spared from the fort, and the fact that the deadly determination of "one of the party" that no harm should befall them was not once referred to in words, and only expressed itself in daring and endurance, for which every one but himself was supposed to be responsible, did not detract from its force. This "one of the party," who seemed to have sworn a silent oath that he would neither eat, nor sleep, nor rest until he had accomplished84 his end of rescuing the captives, and who had been upon the track almost as soon as the news had reached the fort, and who had followed it night and day, with his hastily gathered and altogether insufficient85 little band, and at last had overtaken the captors, and through sheer courage and desperate valor86 had overpowered them, and brought back their prisoners unharmed,—this "one of the party," silent, and would-be insignificant87, was, in spite of himself, a figure to stir the blood.
"It was you who did that?" she said, when he had finished.
"I was only one of the company," he answered, abashed, "and obeyed orders. Of course a man obeys orders."
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收听单词发音
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1
diverged
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| 分开( diverge的过去式和过去分词 )； 偏离； 分歧； 分道扬镳 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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convalescence
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| n.病后康复期 | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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beguiled
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| v.欺骗( beguile的过去式和过去分词 )；使陶醉；使高兴；消磨（时间等） | |
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11
precluded
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| v.阻止( preclude的过去式和过去分词 )；排除；妨碍；使…行不通 | |
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graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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dart
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| v.猛冲，投掷；n.飞镖，猛冲 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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deft
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| adj.灵巧的，熟练的（a deft hand 能手） | |
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rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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feats
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| 功绩，伟业，技艺( feat的名词复数 ) | |
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feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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speck
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| n.微粒，小污点，小斑点 | |
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effete
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| adj.无生产力的，虚弱的 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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jeered
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| v.嘲笑( jeer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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inconvenient
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| adj.不方便的，令人感到麻烦的 | |
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pretences
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| n.假装( pretence的名词复数 )；作假；自命；自称 | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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remorsefully
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| adv.极为懊悔地 | |
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averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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heliotrope
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| n.天芥菜；淡紫色 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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irresolute
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| adj.无决断的，优柔寡断的，踌躇不定的 | |
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erased
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| v.擦掉( erase的过去式和过去分词 )；抹去；清除 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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pungent
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| adj.（气味、味道）刺激性的，辛辣的；尖锐的 | |
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cedar
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| n.雪松，香柏(木) | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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inadequacy
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| n.无法胜任，信心不足 | |
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rambled
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| （无目的地）漫游( ramble的过去式和过去分词 )； （喻）漫谈； 扯淡； 长篇大论 | |
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bower
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| n.凉亭，树荫下凉快之处；闺房；v.荫蔽 | |
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canopy
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| n.天篷，遮篷 | |
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moss
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| n.苔，藓，地衣 | |
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ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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acorn
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| n.橡实，橡子 | |
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plumes
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| 羽毛( plume的名词复数 )； 羽毛饰； 羽毛状物； 升上空中的羽状物 | |
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fragrant
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| adj.芬香的，馥郁的，愉快的 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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carnations
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| n.麝香石竹，康乃馨( carnation的名词复数 ) | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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consolations
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| n.安慰，慰问( consolation的名词复数 )；起安慰作用的人（或事物） | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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desolateness
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| 孤独 | |
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analyzed
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| v.分析( analyze的过去式和过去分词 )；分解；解释；对…进行心理分析 | |
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exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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shrieks
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| n.尖叫声( shriek的名词复数 )v.尖叫( shriek的第三人称单数 ) | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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abashed
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| adj.窘迫的，尴尬的v.使羞愧，使局促，使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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recurring
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| adj.往复的，再次发生的 | |
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subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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81
specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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82
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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83
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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84
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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85
insufficient
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| adj.(for，of)不足的，不够的 | |
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valor
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| n.勇气，英勇 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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