Mark you, I was in a pretty enfeebled condition already. I had been engaged to Honoria Glossop nearly two weeks, and during all that time not a day had passed without her putting in some heavy work in the direction of what Aunt Agatha had called "moulding" me. I had read solid literature till my eyes bubbled; we had legged it together through miles of picture-galleries; and I had been compelled to undergo classical concerts to an extent you would hardly believe. All in all, therefore, I was in no fit state to receive shocks, especially shocks like this. Honoria had lugged3 me round to lunch at Aunt Agatha's, and I had just been saying to myself, "Death, where is thy jolly old sting?" when she hove the bomb.
"Bertie," she said, suddenly, as if she had just remembered it, "what is the name of that man of yours—your valet?"
"Eh? Oh, Jeeves."
"I think he's a bad influence for you," said Honoria. "When we are married, you must get rid of Jeeves."
[Pg 71]
It was at this point that I jerked the spoon and sent six of the best and crispest sailing on to the sideboard, with Spenser gambolling4 after them like a dignified5 old retriever.
"Yes. I don't like him."
"I don't like him," said Aunt Agatha.
"But I can't. I mean—why, I couldn't carry on for a day without Jeeves."
"You will have to," said Honoria. "I don't like him at all."
"I don't like him at all," said Aunt Agatha. "I never did."
Ghastly, what? I'd always had an idea that marriage was a bit of a wash-out, but I'd never dreamed that it demanded such frightful7 sacrifices from a fellow. I passed the rest of the meal in a sort of stupor8.
The scheme had been, if I remember, that after lunch I should go off and caddy for Honoria on a shopping tour down Regent Street; but when she got up and started collecting me and the rest of her things, Aunt Agatha stopped her.
"You run along, dear," she said. "I want to say a few words to Bertie."
So Honoria legged it, and Aunt Agatha drew up her chair and started in.
"Bertie," she said, "dear Honoria does not know it, but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage."
"By Jove! not really?" I said, hope starting to dawn.
"Oh, it's nothing at all, of course. It is only a little exasperating9. The fact is, Sir Roderick is being rather troublesome."
[Pg 72]
"Pray do not be so absurd, Bertie. It is nothing so serious as that. But the nature of Sir Roderick's profession unfortunately makes him—over-cautious."
I didn't get it.
"Over-cautious?"
"Yes. I suppose it is inevitable11. A nerve specialist with his extensive practice can hardly help taking a rather warped12 view of humanity."
I got what she was driving at now. Sir Roderick Glossop, Honoria's father, is always called a nerve specialist, because it sounds better, but everybody knows that he's really a sort of janitor13 to the looney-bin. I mean to say, when your uncle the Duke begins to feel the strain a bit and you find him in the blue drawing-room sticking straws in his hair, old Glossop is the first person you send for. He toddles14 round, gives the patient the once-over, talks about over-excited nervous systems, and recommends complete rest and seclusion15 and all that sort of thing. Practically every posh family in the country has called him in at one time or another, and I suppose that, being in that position—I mean constantly having to sit on people's heads while their nearest and dearest phone to the asylum16 to send round the wagon—does tend to make a chappie take what you might call a warped view of humanity.
"You mean he thinks I may be a looney, and he doesn't want a looney son-in-law?" I said.
"Of course, he does not think anything so ridiculous. I told you he was simply exceedingly cautious. He wants to satisfy himself that you are perfectly18 normal." Here she paused, for Spenser had come in with the coffee. When he had gone, she went on: "He appears to have got hold of[Pg 73] some extraordinary story about your having pushed his son Oswald into the lake at Ditteredge Hall. Incredible, of course. Even you would hardly do a thing like that."
"Well, I did sort of lean against him, you know, and he shot off the bridge."
"Oswald definitely accuses you of having pushed him into the water. That has disturbed Sir Roderick, and unfortunately it has caused him to make inquiries19, and he has heard about your poor Uncle Henry."
She eyed me with a good deal of solemnity, and I took a grave sip20 of coffee. We were peeping into the family cupboard and having a look at the good old skeleton. My late Uncle Henry, you see, was by way of being the blot21 on the Wooster escutcheon. An extremely decent chappie personally, and one who had always endeared himself to me by tipping me with considerable lavishness22 when I was at school; but there's no doubt he did at times do rather rummy things, notably23 keeping eleven pet rabbits in his bedroom; and I suppose a purist might have considered him more or less off his onion. In fact, to be perfectly frank, he wound up his career, happy to the last and completely surrounded by rabbits, in some sort of a home.
"It is very absurd, of course," continued Aunt Agatha. "If any of the family had inherited poor Henry's eccentricity—and it was nothing more—it would have been Claude and Eustace, and there could not be two brighter boys."
Claude and Eustace were twins, and had been kids at school with me in my last summer term. Casting my mind back, it seemed to me that "bright" just about described them. The whole of that term, as I remembered it, had been spent in getting them out of a series of frightful rows.
[Pg 74]
"Look how well they are doing at Oxford24. Your Aunt Emily had a letter from Claude only the other day saying that they hoped to be elected shortly to a very important college club, called The Seekers."
"Seekers?" I couldn't recall any club of the name in my time at Oxford. "What do they seek?"
"Claude did not say. Truth or knowledge, I should imagine. It is evidently a very desirable club to belong to, for Claude added that Lord Rainsby, the Earl of Datchet's son, was one of his fellow-candidates. However, we are wandering from the point, which is that Sir Roderick wants to have a quiet talk with you quite alone. Now I rely on you, Bertie, to be—I won't say intelligent, but at least sensible. Don't giggle25 nervously26: try to keep that horrible glassy expression out of your eyes: don't yawn or fidget; and remember that Sir Roderick is the president of the West London branch of the anti-gambling league, so please do not talk about horse-racing. He will lunch with you at your flat to-morrow at one-thirty. Please remember that he drinks no wine, strongly disapproves27 of smoking, and can only eat the simplest food, owing to an impaired28 digestion29. Do not offer him coffee, for he considers it the root of half the nerve-trouble in the world."
"I should think a dog-biscuit and a glass of water would about meet the case, what?"
"Bertie!"
"Oh, all right. Merely persiflage30."
"Now it is precisely that sort of idiotic31 remark that would be calculated to arouse Sir Roderick's worst suspicions. Do please try to refrain from any misguided flippancy32 when you are with him. He is a very serious-minded man.... Are you going?[Pg 75] Well, please remember all I have said. I rely on you, and, if anything goes wrong, I shall never forgive you."
"Right-o!" I said.
And so home, with a jolly day to look forward to.
* * * * *
I breakfasted pretty late next morning and went for a stroll afterwards. It seemed to me that anything I could do to clear the old lemon ought to be done, and a bit of fresh air generally relieves that rather foggy feeling that comes over a fellow early in the day. I had taken a stroll in the park, and got back as far as Hyde Park Corner, when some blighter sloshed me between the shoulder-blades. It was young Eustace, my cousin. He was arm-in-arm with two other fellows, the one on the outside being my cousin Claude and the one in the middle a pink-faced chappie with light hair and an apologetic sort of look.
"Bertie, old egg!" said young Eustace affably.
"Hallo!" I said, not frightfully chirpily.
"Fancy running into you, the one man in London who can support us in the style we are accustomed to! By the way, you've never met old Dog-Face, have you? Dog-Face, this is my cousin Bertie. Lord Rainsby—Mr. Wooster. We've just been round to your flat, Bertie. Bitterly disappointed that you were out, but were hospitably33 entertained by old Jeeves. That man's a corker, Bertie. Stick to him."
"What are you doing in London?" I asked.
"Oh, buzzing round. We're just up for the day. Flying visit, strictly34 unofficial. We oil back on the three-ten. And now, touching35 that lunch you very decently volunteered to stand us, which shall it be? Ritz? Savoy? Carlton? Or, if you're[Pg 76] a member of Ciro's or the Embassy, that would do just as well."
"I can't give you lunch. I've got an engagement myself. And, by Jove," I said, taking a look at my watch, "I'm late." I hailed a taxi. "Sorry."
"As man to man, then," said Eustace, "lend us a fiver."
I hadn't time to stop and argue. I unbelted the fiver and hopped36 into the cab. It was twenty to two when I got to the flat. I bounded into the sitting-room37, but it was empty.
Jeeves shimmied in.
"Sir Roderick has not yet arrived, sir."
"Good egg!" I said. "I thought I should find him smashing up the furniture." My experience is that the less you want a fellow, the more punctual he's bound to be, and I had had a vision of the old lad pacing the rug in my sitting-room, saying "He cometh not!" and generally hotting up. "Is everything in order?"
"I fancy you will find the arrangements quite satisfactory, sir."
"What are you giving us?"
"Cold consommé, a cutlet, and a savoury, sir. With lemon-squash, iced."
"Well, I don't see how that can hurt him. Don't go getting carried away by the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee."
"No, sir."
"And don't let your eyes get glassy, because, if you do, you're apt to find yourself in a padded cell before you know where you are."
"Very good, sir."
There was a ring at the bell.
"Stand by, Jeeves," I said. "We're off!"
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收听单词发音
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1
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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2
lofted
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| 击、踢、掷高弧球( loft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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3
lugged
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| vt.用力拖拉（lug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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4
gambolling
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| v.蹦跳，跳跃，嬉戏( gambol的现在分词 ) | |
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5
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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6
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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7
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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8
stupor
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| v.昏迷；不省人事 | |
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9
exasperating
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| adj. 激怒的 动词exasperate的现在分词形式 | |
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10
fixture
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| n.固定设备；预定日期；比赛时间；定期存款 | |
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11
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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12
warped
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| adj.反常的；乖戾的；（变）弯曲的；变形的v.弄弯，变歪( warp的过去式和过去分词 )；使（行为等）不合情理，使乖戾， | |
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13
janitor
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| n.看门人，管门人 | |
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14
toddles
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| v.（幼儿等）东倒西歪地走( toddle的第三人称单数 )；蹒跚行走；溜达；散步 | |
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15
seclusion
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| n.隐遁，隔离 | |
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16
asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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17
peeved
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| adj.恼怒的，不高兴的v.（使）气恼，（使）焦躁，（使）愤怒( peeve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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19
inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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20
sip
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| v.小口地喝，抿，呷；n.一小口的量 | |
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21
blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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22
lavishness
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| n.浪费，过度 | |
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23
notably
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| adv.值得注意地，显著地，尤其地，特别地 | |
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24
Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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25
giggle
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| n.痴笑，咯咯地笑；v.咯咯地笑着说 | |
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26
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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27
disapproves
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| v.不赞成( disapprove的第三人称单数 ) | |
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28
impaired
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| adj.受损的；出毛病的；有（身体或智力）缺陷的v.损害，削弱( impair的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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30
persiflage
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| n.戏弄；挖苦 | |
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31
idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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32
flippancy
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| n.轻率；浮躁；无礼的行动 | |
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33
hospitably
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| 亲切地，招待周到地，善于款待地 | |
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34
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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35
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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36
hopped
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| 跳上[下]( hop的过去式和过去分词 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花 | |
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37
sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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