"What ho! What ho! What ho!" I said, trying to strike the genial4 note, and then had a sudden feeling that that was just the sort of thing I had been warned not to say. Dashed difficult it is to start things going properly on an occasion like this. A fellow living in a London flat is so handicapped. I mean to say, if I had been the young squire5 greeting the visitor in the country, I could have said, "Welcome to Meadowsweet Hall!" or something zippy like that. It sounds silly to say "Welcome to Number 6A, Crichton Mansions6, Berkeley Street, W."
[Pg 78]
"I am afraid I am a little late," he said, as we sat down. "I was detained at my club by Lord Alastair Hungerford, the Duke of Ramfurline's son. His Grace, he informed me, had exhibited a renewal7 of the symptoms which have been causing the family so much concern. I could not leave him immediately. Hence my unpunctuality, which I trust has not discommoded you."
"Oh, not at all. So the Duke is off his rocker, what?"
"The expression which you use is not precisely8 the one I should have employed myself with reference to the head of perhaps the noblest family in England, but there is no doubt that cerebral9 excitement does, as you suggest, exist in no small degree." He sighed as well as he could with his mouth full of cutlet. "A profession like mine is a great strain, a great strain."
"Must be."
"Sometimes I am appalled10 at what I see around me." He stopped suddenly and sort of stiffened11. "Do you keep a cat, Mr. Wooster?"
"Eh? What? Cat? No, no cat."
"I was conscious of a distinct impression that I had heard a cat mewing either in the room or very near to where we are sitting."
"Probably a taxi or something in the street."
"I fear I do not follow you."
"I mean to say, taxis squawk, you know. Rather like cats in a sort of way."
"I had not observed the resemblance," he said, rather coldly.
"Have some lemon-squash," I said. The conversation seemed to be getting rather difficult.
"Thank you. Half a glassful, if I may." The hell-brew appeared to buck12 him up, for he resumed in a slightly more pally manner. "I have a[Pg 79] particular dislike for cats. But I was saying—— Oh, yes. Sometimes I am positively13 appalled at what I see around me. It is not only the cases which come under my professional notice, painful as many of those are. It is what I see as I go about London. Sometimes it seems to me that the whole world is mentally unbalanced. This very morning, for example, a most singular and distressing14 occurrence took place as I was driving from my house to the club. The day being clement15, I had instructed my chauffeur16 to open my landaulette, and I was leaning back, deriving17 no little pleasure from the sunshine, when our progress was arrested in the middle of the thoroughfare by one of those blocks in the traffic which are inevitable18 in so congested a system as that of London."
I suppose I had been letting my mind wander a bit, for when he stopped and took a sip19 of lemon-squash I had a feeling that I was listening to a lecture and was expected to say something.
"Hear, hear!" I said.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing, nothing. You were saying——"
"The vehicles proceeding20 in the opposite direction had also been temporarily arrested, but after a moment they were permitted to proceed. I had fallen into a meditation21, when suddenly the most extraordinary thing took place. My hat was snatched abruptly22 from my head! And as I looked back I perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish23 triumph from the interior of a taxicab, which, even as I looked, disappeared through a gap in the traffic and was lost to sight."
I didn't laugh, but I distinctly heard a couple of my floating ribs24 part from their moorings under the strain.
[Pg 80]
"Must have been meant for a practical joke," I said. "What?"
This suggestion didn't seem to please the old boy.
"I trust," he said, "I am not deficient25 in an appreciation26 of the humorous, but I confess that I am at a loss to detect anything akin27 to pleasantry in the outrage28. The action was beyond all question that of a mentally unbalanced subject. These mental lesions may express themselves in almost any form. The Duke of Ramfurline, to whom I had occasion to allude29 just now, is under the impression—this is in the strictest confidence—that he is a canary; and his seizure31 to-day, which so perturbed32 Lord Alastair, was due to the fact that a careless footman had neglected to bring him his morning lump of sugar. Cases are common, again, of men waylaying33 women and cutting off portions of their hair. It is from a branch of this latter form of mania34 that I should be disposed to imagine that my assailant was suffering. I can only trust that he will be placed under proper control before he—— Mr. Wooster, there is a cat close at hand! It is not in the street! The mewing appears to come from the adjoining room."
* * * * *
This time I had to admit there was no doubt about it. There was a distinct sound of mewing coming from the next room. I punched the bell for Jeeves, who drifted in and stood waiting with an air of respectful devotion.
"Sir?"
"Oh, Jeeves," I said. "Cats! What about it? Are there any cats in the flat?"
"Only the three in your bedroom, sir."
"What!"
"Cats in his bedroom!" I heard Sir Roderick[Pg 81] whisper in a kind of stricken way, and his eyes hit me amidships like a couple of bullets.
"What do you mean," I said, "only the three in my bedroom?"
"The black one, the tabby and the small lemon-coloured animal, sir."
"What on earth?——"
I charged round the table in the direction of the door. Unfortunately, Sir Roderick had just decided35 to edge in that direction himself, with the result that we collided in the doorway36 with a good deal of force, and staggered out into the hall together. He came smartly out of the clinch37 and grabbed an umbrella from the rack.
"Stand back!" he shouted, waving it overhead. "Stand back, sir! I am armed!"
"Awfully39 sorry I barged into you," I said. "Wouldn't have had it happen for worlds. I was just dashing out to have a look into things."
He appeared a trifle reassured40, and lowered the umbrella. But just then the most frightful41 shindy started in the bedroom. It sounded as though all the cats in London, assisted by delegates from outlying suburbs, had got together to settle their differences once for all. A sort of augmented42 orchestra of cats.
"This noise is unendurable," yelled Sir Roderick. "I cannot hear myself speak."
"I fancy, sir," said Jeeves respectfully, "that the animals may have become somewhat exhilarated as the result of having discovered the fish under Mr. Wooster's bed."
"Fish! Did I hear you rightly?"
"Sir?"
[Pg 82]
"Did you say that there was a fish under Mr. Wooster's bed?"
"Yes, sir."
Sir Roderick gave a low moan, and reached for his hat and stick.
"You aren't going?" I said.
"Mr. Wooster, I am going! I prefer to spend my leisure time in less eccentric society."
"But I say. Here, I must come with you. I'm sure the whole business can be explained. Jeeves, my hat."
Jeeves rallied round. I took the hat from him and shoved it on my head.
"Good heavens!"
Beastly shock it was! The bally thing had absolutely engulfed44 me, if you know what I mean. Even as I was putting it on I got a sort of impression that it was a trifle roomy; and no sooner had I let go of it than it settled down over my ears like a kind of extinguisher.
"I say! This isn't my hat!"
"It is my hat!" said Sir Roderick in about the coldest, nastiest voice I'd ever heard. "The hat which was stolen from me this morning as I drove in my car."
"But——"
I suppose Napoleon or somebody like that would have been equal to the situation, but I'm bound to say it was too much for me. I just stood there goggling45 in a sort of coma46, while the old boy lifted the hat off me and turned to Jeeves.
"I should be glad, my man," he said, "if you would accompany me a few yards down the street. I wish to ask you some questions."
"Very good, sir."
"Here, but, I say——!" I began, but he left me standing47. He stalked out, followed by Jeeves.[Pg 83] And at that moment the row in the bedroom started again, louder than ever.
I was about fed up with the whole thing. I mean, cats in your bedroom—a bit thick, what? I didn't know how the dickens they had got in, but I was jolly well resolved that they weren't going to stay picknicking there any longer. I flung open the door. I got a momentary48 flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping49 in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mob-scene was the head of a whacking50 big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere51 sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.
There was something about the thing's expression that absolutely chilled me, and I withdrew on tiptoe and shut the door. And, as I did so, I bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry!" he said.
I spun52 round. It was the pink-faced chappie, Lord Something or other, the fellow I had met with Claude and Eustace.
"I say," he said apologetically, "awfully sorry to bother you, but those weren't my cats I met just now legging it downstairs, were they? They looked like my cats."
"They came out of my bedroom."
"Then they were my cats!" he said sadly. "Oh, dash it!"
"Did you put cats in my bedroom?"
"Your man, what's-his-name, did. He rather decently said I could keep them there till my train went. I'd just come to fetch them. And now they've gone! Oh, well, it can't be helped, I suppose. I'll take the hat and the fish, anyway."
[Pg 84]
I was beginning to dislike this chappie.
"Did you put that bally fish there, too?"
"No, that was Eustace's. The hat was Claude's."
I sank limply into a chair.
"I say, you couldn't explain this, could you?" I said. The chappie gazed at me in mild surprise.
"Why, don't you know all about it? I say!" He blushed profusely53. "Why, if you don't know about it, I shouldn't wonder if the whole thing didn't seem rummy to you."
"Rummy is the word."
"It was for The Seekers, you know."
"The Seekers?"
"Rather a blood club, you know, up at Oxford54, which your cousins and I are rather keen on getting into. You have to pinch something, you know, to get elected. Some sort of a souvenir, you know. A policeman's helmet, you know, or a door-knocker or something, you know. The room's decorated with the things at the annual dinner, and everybody makes speeches and all that sort of thing. Rather jolly! Well, we wanted rather to make a sort of special effort and do the thing in style, if you understand, so we came up to London to see if we couldn't pick up something here that would be a bit out of the ordinary. And we had the most amazing luck right from the start. Your cousin Claude managed to collect a quite decent top-hat out of a passing car, and your cousin Eustace got away with a really goodish salmon55 or something from Harrods, and I snaffled three excellent cats all in the first hour. We were fearfully braced56, I can tell you. And then the difficulty was to know where to park the things till our train went. You look so beastly conspicuous57, you know, tooling about London with a fish and a lot of cats. And then Eustace remembered you, and we all came[Pg 85] on here in a cab. You were out, but your man said it would be all right. When we met you, you were in such a hurry that we hadn't time to explain. Well, I think I'll be taking the hat, if you don't mind."
"It's gone."
"Gone?"
"The fellow you pinched it from happened to be the man who was lunching here. He took it away with him."
"Oh, I say! Poor old Claude will be upset. Well, how about the goodish salmon or something?"
"I doubt if the committee would accept that," he said sadly. "There isn't a frightful lot of it left, what?"
"The cats ate the rest."
He sighed deeply.
"No cats, no fish, no hat. We've had all our trouble for nothing. I do call that hard! And on top of that—I say, I hate to ask you, but you couldn't lend me a tenner, could you?"
"A tenner? What for?"
"Well, the fact is, I've got to pop round and bail60 Claude and Eustace out. They've been arrested."
"Arrested!"
"Yes. You see, what with the excitement of collaring the hat and the salmon or something, added to the fact that we had rather a festive61 lunch, they got a bit above themselves, poor chaps, and tried to pinch a motor-lorry. Silly, of course, because I don't see how they could have got the thing to Oxford and shown it to the committee. Still, there wasn't any reasoning with them, and when the driver started making a fuss, there was a bit of a mix-up, and Claude and Eustace are more[Pg 86] or less languishing62 in Vine Street police-station till I pop round and bail them out. So if you could manage a tenner—Oh, thanks, that's fearfully good of you. It would have been too bad to leave them there, what? I mean, they're both such frightfully good chaps, you know. Everybody likes them up at the 'Varsity. They're fearfully popular."
"I bet they are!" I said.
* * * * *
When Jeeves came back, I was waiting for him on the mat. I wanted speech with the blighter.
"Well?" I said.
"Sir Roderick asked me a number of questions, sir, respecting your habits and mode of life, to which I replied guardedly."
"I don't care about that. What I want to know is why you didn't explain the whole thing to him right at the start? A word from you would have put everything clear."
"Yes, sir."
"Now he's gone off thinking me a looney."
"I should not be surprised, from his conversation with me, sir, if some such idea had not entered his head."
I was just starting in to speak, when the telephone bell rang. Jeeves answered it.
"No, madam, Mr. Wooster is not in. No, madam, I do not know when he will return, No, madam, he left no message. Yes, madam, I will inform him." He put back the receiver. "Mrs. Gregson, sir."
Aunt Agatha! I had been expecting it. Ever since the luncheon-party had blown out a fuse, her shadow had been hanging over me, so to speak.
"Does she know? Already?"
"I gather that Sir Roderick has been speaking to her on the telephone, sir, and——"
[Pg 87]
"No wedding bells for me, what?"
Jeeves coughed.
"Mrs. Gregson did not actually confide30 in me, sir, but I fancy that some such thing may have occurred. She seemed decidedly agitated63, sir."
It's a rummy thing, but I'd been so snootered by the old boy and the cats and the fish and the hat and the pink-faced chappie and all the rest of it that the bright side simply hadn't occurred to me till now. By Jove, it was like a bally weight rolling off my chest! I gave a yelp64 of pure relief.
"Jeeves!" I said, "I believe you worked the whole thing!"
"Sir?"
"I believe you had the jolly old situation in hand right from the start."
"Well, sir, Spenser, Mrs. Gregson's butler, who inadvertently chanced to overhear something of your conversation when you were lunching at the house, did mention certain of the details to me; and I confess that, though it may be a liberty to say so, I entertained hopes that something might occur to prevent the match. I doubt if the young lady was entirely65 suitable to you, sir."
"And she would have shot you out on your ear five minutes after the ceremony."
"Yes, sir. Spenser informed me that she had expressed some such intention. Mrs. Gregson wishes you to call upon her immediately, sir."
"She does, eh? What do you advise, Jeeves?"
"I think a trip abroad might prove enjoyable, sir."
I shook my head. "She'd come after me."
"Not if you went far enough afield, sir. There are excellent boats leaving every Wednesday and Saturday for New York."
"Jeeves," I said, "you are right, as always. Book the tickets."
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1
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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dome
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| n.圆屋顶，拱顶 | |
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genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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squire
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| n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅 | |
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mansions
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| n.宅第，公馆，大厦( mansion的名词复数 ) | |
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renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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cerebral
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| adj.脑的，大脑的；有智力的，理智型的 | |
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appalled
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| v.使惊骇，使充满恐惧( appall的过去式和过去分词)adj.惊骇的；丧胆的 | |
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stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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buck
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| n.雄鹿，雄兔；v.马离地跳跃 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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distressing
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| a.使人痛苦的 | |
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clement
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| adj.仁慈的；温和的 | |
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chauffeur
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| n.(受雇于私人或公司的)司机；v.为…开车 | |
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deriving
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| v.得到( derive的现在分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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inevitable
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sip
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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abruptly
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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ribs
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| n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 )；（船或屋顶等的）肋拱；肋骨状的东西；（织物的）凸条花纹 | |
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deficient
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| adj.不足的，不充份的，有缺陷的 | |
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appreciation
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akin
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outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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confide
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seizure
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perturbed
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| adj.烦燥不安的v.使（某人）烦恼，不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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waylaying
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| v.拦截，拦路( waylay的现在分词 ) | |
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mania
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| n.疯狂；躁狂症，狂热，癖好 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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doorway
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clinch
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| v.敲弯，钉牢；确定；扭住对方 [参]clench | |
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soothing
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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Augmented
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| adj.增音的 动词augment的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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tottered
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| v.走得或动得不稳( totter的过去式和过去分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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engulfed
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| v.吞没，包住( engulf的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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goggling
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| v.睁大眼睛瞪视， （惊讶的）转动眼珠( goggle的现在分词 ) | |
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coma
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standing
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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scrapping
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| 刮，切除坯体余泥 | |
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whacking
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| adj.（用于强调）巨大的v.重击，使劲打( whack的现在分词 ) | |
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austere
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52
spun
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profusely
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| ad.abundantly | |
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Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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salmon
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| n.鲑，大马哈鱼，橙红色的 | |
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braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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wreckage
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| n.（失事飞机等的）残骸，破坏，毁坏 | |
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bail
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| v.舀（水），保释；n.保证金，保释，保释人 | |
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festive
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| adj.欢宴的，节日的 | |
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languishing
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| a. 衰弱下去的 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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64
yelp
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| vi.狗吠 | |
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65
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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