William, our mess president and transport officer, says frankly4, "Nothing." Three years' continuous struggle to keep the mess going in whiskey and soda5 and the officers' kit6 down to two hundred and fifty pounds per officer has made an old man of him, once so full of bright quips and conundrums7. The moment Hindenburg chucks up the sponge off goes William to Chelsea Hospital, there to spend the autumn of his days pitching the yarn8 and displaying his honourable9 scars gained in many a bloody10 battle in the mule11 lines.
So much for William. The Skipper, who is as sensitive to climate as a lily of the hot-house, prattles12 lovingly during the summer months of selling ice-creams to the Eskimos, and during the winter months of peddling13 roast chestnuts14 in Timbuctoo. MacTavish and the Babe propose, under the euphonious15 noms de commerce of Vavaseur and Montmorency, to open pawn-shops among ex-munition-workers, and thereby16 accumulate old masters, grand pianos and diamond tiaras to export to the United States. For myself I have another plan.
There is a certain historic wood up north through which bullets whine17, shells rumble18 and no bird sings. After the War I am going to float a company, purchase that wood and turn it into a pleasure-resort for the accommodation of tourists.
There will be an entrance fee of ten francs, and everything else will be extra.
Tea in the dug-out—ten francs. Trips through trenches19, accompanied by trained guides reciting selected passages from the outpourings of our special correspondents—ten francs. At night grand S.O.S. rocket and Very light display—ten francs. While for a further twenty francs the tourist will be allowed to pick up as many souvenirs in the way of rolls of barbed wire, dud bombs and blind crumps as he can stagger away with. By this means the country will be cleared of its explosive matter and I shall be able to spend my declining years in Park Lane, or, anyway, Tooting.
Our Albert Edward has not been making any plans as to his future lately, but just now it looks very much as if his future will be spent in gaol20. It happened this way. He had been up forward doing some O. Pipping. While he was there he made friends with a battery and persuaded the poor fools into doing some shooting under his direction. He says it is great fun sitting up in your O. Pip, a pipe in your teeth, a telescope clapped to your blind eye, removing any parts of the landscape that you take a dislike to.
"I don't care for that tree at A 29.b.5.8"," you say to the telephone. "It's altogether too crooked21 (or too straight). Off with its head!" and, hey presto22! the offending herb is not. Or, "That hill at C 39.d.7.4" is quite absurd; it's ridiculously lop-sided. I think we'll have a valley there instead." And lo! the absurd excrescence goes west in a puff23 of smoke.
Our Albert Edward spent a most enjoyable week altering the geography of Europe to suit his taste. Then one morning he made a trifling24 error of about thirty degrees and some few thousand yards and removed the wrong village.
"One village looks very much like another, and what are a few thousand yards this way or that in a war of world-wide dimensions? Gentlemen, let us not be trivial," said our Albert Edward to the red-hatted people who came weeping to his O. Pip. Nevertheless some unpleasantness resulted, and our Albert Edward came home to shelter in the bosom25 of us, his family.
The unpleasantness spread, for twenty-four hours later came a chit for our Albert Edward, saying if he had nothing better to do would he drop in and swop yarns26 with the General at noon that day? Our Albert Edward made his will, pulled on his parade boots, drank half a bottle of brandy neat, kissed us farewell and rode off to his doom27. As he passed the borders of the camp The O'Murphy uncorked himself from a drain, and, seeing his boon-companion faring forth28 a-horse, abandoned the ratstrafe and trotted29 after him.
A word or two explaining The O'Murphy. Two years ago we were camped at one end of a certain damp dark gully up north. Thither30 came a party of big marines and a small Irish terrier, bringing with them a long naval31 gun, which they covered with a camouflage32 of sackcloth and ashes and let off at intervals33. Whenever the long gun was about to fire the small dog went mad, bounced about behind the gun-trail like an indiarubber ball, in an ecstasy34 of expectation. When the great gun boomed he shrieked35 with joy and shot away up the gully looking for the rabbit. The poor little dog's hunt up and down the gully for the rabbit that never had been was one of the most pathetic sights I ever saw. That so many big men with such an enormous gun should miss the rabbit every time was gradually killing36 him with disgust and exasperation37.
Meeting my groom38 one evening I spoke39 of the matter to him, casually40 mentioning that there was a small countryman of ours close at hand breaking his heart because there never was any rabbit. I clearly explained to my groom that I was suggesting nothing, dropping no hints, but I thought it a pity such a sportsman should waste his talents with those sea-soldiers when there were outfits41 like ours about, offering all kinds of opportunities to one of the right sort. I again repeated that I was making no suggestions and passed on to some other subject.
Imagine my astonishment42 when, on making our customary bi-weekly trek43 next day, I discovered the small terrier secured to our tool-limber by a piece of baling-wire, evidently enjoying the trip and abusing the limber-mules as if he had known them all his life. Since he had insisted on coming with us there was nothing further to be said, so we christened him "The O'Murphy," attached him to the strength for rations44 and discipline, and for two years he has shared our joys and sorrows, our billets and bully-beef, up and down the land of Somewheres.
But it was with our Albert Edward he got particularly chummy. They had the same dislike of felines45 and the same taste in biscuits. Thus when Albert Edward rode by, ears drooping46, tail tucked in (so to speak), en route to the shambles47, The O'Murphy saw clearly that here was the time to prove his friendship, and trotted along behind. On arriving at H.Q. the comrades shook paws and licked each other good-bye. Then Albert Edward stumbled within and The O'Murphy hung about outside saucing the brass-collared Staff dogs and waiting to gather up what fragments remained of his chum's body after the General had done with it. His interview with the General our Albert Edward prefers not to describe; it was too painful, too humiliating, he says. That a man of the General's high position, advanced age and venerable appearance could lose his self-control to such a degree was a terrible revelation to Albert Edward. "Let us draw a veil over that episode," he said.
But what happened later on he did consent to tell us. When the General had burst all his blood vessels48, and Albert Edward was congratulating himself that the worst was over, the old man suddenly grabbed a Manual of Military Law off his desk, hurled49 it into a corner and dived under a table, whence issued scuffling sounds, grunts50 and squeals51. "See that?" came the voice of the General from under the table. "Of all confounded impudence52!—did you see that?"
Albert Edward made noises in the negative. "A rat, by golly!" boomed the venerable warrior53, "big as a calf54, came out of his hole and stood staring at me. Damn his impudence! I cut off his retreat with the manual and he's somewhere about here now. Flank him, will you?"
As Albert Edward moved to a flank there came sounds of another violent scuffle under the table, followed by a glad whoop55 from, the General, who emerged rumpled56 but triumphant57.
"Up-ended the waste-paper basket on him," he panted, dusting his knees with a handkerchief. "And now, me lad, what now, eh?"
"Fetch a dog, sir," answered Albert Edward, mindful of his friend The O'Murphy. The General sneered58, "Dog be blowed! What's the matter with the old-fashioned cat? I've got a plain tabby with me that has written standard works on ratting." He lifted up his voice and bawled59 to his orderly to bring one Pussums. "Had the old tabby for years, me lad," he continued; "brought it from home—carry it round with me everywhere; and I don't have any rat troubles. Orderly!
"Fellers come out here with St. Bernard dogs, shotguns, poison, bear-traps and fishing-nets and never get a wink60 of sleep for the rats, while one common cat like my old Pussums would—— Oh, where is that confounded feller?"
He strode to the door and flung it open, admitting, not an orderly but The O'Murphy, who nodded pleasantly to him and trotted across the room, tail twinkling, love-light shining in his eyes, and deposited at Albert Edward's feet his offering, a large dead tabby cat.
Albert Edward remembers no more. He had swooned.
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1
slaying
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| 杀戮。 | |
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gory
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| adj.流血的；残酷的 | |
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aglow
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| adj.发亮的；发红的；adv.发亮地 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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soda
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| n.苏打水；汽水 | |
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kit
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| n.用具包，成套工具；随身携带物 | |
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conundrums
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| n.谜，猜不透的难题，难答的问题( conundrum的名词复数 ) | |
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yarn
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| n.纱，纱线，纺线；奇闻漫谈，旅行轶事 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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bloody
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| adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染 | |
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mule
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| n.骡子，杂种，执拗的人 | |
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prattles
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| v.（小孩般）天真无邪地说话( prattle的第三人称单数 )；发出连续而无意义的声音；闲扯；东拉西扯 | |
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peddling
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| 忙于琐事的，无关紧要的 | |
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chestnuts
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| n.栗子( chestnut的名词复数 )；栗色；栗树；栗色马 | |
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euphonious
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| adj.好听的，悦耳的，和谐的 | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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whine
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| v.哀号，号哭；n.哀鸣 | |
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rumble
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| n.隆隆声；吵嚷；v.隆隆响；低沉地说 | |
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19
trenches
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| 深沟，地沟( trench的名词复数 )； 战壕 | |
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gaol
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| n.(jail)监狱；(不加冠词)监禁；vt.使…坐牢 | |
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21
crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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presto
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| adv.急速地；n.急板乐段；adj.急板的 | |
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23
puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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24
trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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25
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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yarns
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| n.纱( yarn的名词复数 )；纱线；奇闻漫谈；旅行轶事 | |
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27
doom
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| n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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trotted
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| 小跑，急走( trot的过去分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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camouflage
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| n./v.掩饰，伪装 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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34
ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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exasperation
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| n.愤慨 | |
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groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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39
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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40
casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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41
outfits
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| n.全套装备( outfit的名词复数 )；一套服装；集体；组织v.装备，配置设备，供给服装( outfit的第三人称单数 ) | |
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42
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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43
trek
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| vi.作长途艰辛的旅行；n.长途艰苦的旅行 | |
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44
rations
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| 定量( ration的名词复数 )； 配给量； 正常量； 合理的量 | |
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45
felines
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| n.猫科动物( feline的名词复数 ) | |
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46
drooping
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| adj. 下垂的，无力的 动词droop的现在分词 | |
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47
shambles
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| n.混乱之处；废墟 | |
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48
vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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49
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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50
grunts
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| （猪等）作呼噜声( grunt的第三人称单数 )； （指人）发出类似的哼声； 咕哝着说； 石鲈 | |
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51
squeals
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| n.长而尖锐的叫声( squeal的名词复数 )v.长声尖叫，用长而尖锐的声音说( squeal的第三人称单数 ) | |
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52
impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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53
warrior
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| n.勇士，武士，斗士 | |
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54
calf
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| n.小牛，犊，幼仔，小牛皮 | |
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55
whoop
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| n.大叫，呐喊，喘息声；v.叫喊，喘息 | |
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56
rumpled
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| v.弄皱，使凌乱( rumple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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58
sneered
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| 讥笑，冷笑( sneer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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59
bawled
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| v.大叫，大喊( bawl的过去式和过去分词 )；放声大哭；大声叫出；叫卖（货物） | |
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60
wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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