Some Offspring.
Bernice was chief Expense Account and Crown Jewel of a Real Estate Juggler1 who had done so well that all the Strap-Hangers regarded him as an Enemy to Society.
Papa was foolish, even as a Weasel.
He was what you might call Honest, which signified that all of his Low
Work had been done by Agents.
Swag unless he had a Wheelbarrow with him at the time.
He had been going East with the Green Goods ever since the Party in
Power precipitated3 the first Panic.
He had Stacks of the Needful, and his Rating was AA Plus 1, to say nothing of a Reserve cached in the little Tin Box.
Daughter alone could include him to unbuckle, and melt, and jar loose, and come across, and kick in, and sting the Check-Book.
One day Bernice was a Little Girl, and the next she was head Flossie among the Debutantes4, with a pack of Society Hounds pursuing in Full Cry, each willing to help count the Bank Roll.
Father was scared pink when he sized up the Field.
He still wore box-toed Boots and carried Foliage5 on the Sub-Maxillary so that those who came ringing the Front Bell didn't look very lucky to him.
Sometimes he would dream that he had been pushed into a Mausoleum and that a slender Cyril with a Lady's Watch strapped6 on his wrist was spending all of that Money for Signed Etchings.
Whereupon he would awake in a Cold Sweat and try to think of a safe
Recipe for poisoning Boulevard Blighters.
One day Bernice went out into the Sunshine and found something and brought it home with her and put it on a Rug in the Elizabethan Room.
Father came in and took one look and said: "Not for Mine! I won't stand for any Puss Willow7 being grafted8 on to our Family Tree."
His name was Kenneth, and he reduced his Percentage on the first day by having the hem-stitched Mouchoir tucked inside of the Cuff9.
Perfumery on the backs of his Hands.
Father walked around the He-Canary twice, looking at him over the Specs, and then he rushed to the Library and kicked the Upholstery out of an $80 chair.
He could see the love-light glinting in the Eyes of Bernice. She had fallen for the Flukus.
Kenneth was installed as Steady.
When Bernice saw him turn the Corner and approach the House, he looked to her like Rupert, the long lost Heir—while Father discerned only an insect too large to be treated with Powder.
Colored Post-Card.
If his private Estate had been converted into Pig Iron, he could have carried it in his Watch Pocket.
He was re-fined and had lovely Teeth, but those who knew him well believed the Story that when he was a Babe in Arms, the Nurse had let him fall and strike on the Head.
He wore his Hair straight back and used Patent Leather dressing12. He was full of Swank and put on much Side and wore lily-colored Spats13 and was an awful Thing all around, from Pa's point of view.
In a crowd of Bank Directors he would have been a cheap Swivel, but among the Women Folks he was a regular Bright Eyes.
When you passed through the Archway of his Intellectual Domain14 you found yourself in the Next Block.
Rugs.
He had a Vaudeville18 Education and a small Tenor19 Voice, with the result that many a fluttering Birdie regarded him as the bona-fide Ketchup20. Bernice thought she was lucky to have snared21 him away from the others, and she had slipped him the whispered Promise, come Weal, come Woe22. She had no Mother to guide her, and it looked as if the Family was about to have a Bermuda wished on to it.
No wonder Father was stepping sideways.
He would come home in the evening and find the Mush perched on a Throne in the Spot Light, shooting an azure-blue Line of desiccated Drool, with Bernice sitting out in front and Encoring.
Then he would retire to the back part of the House to bark at the
Butler and act as if he had been eating Red Meat.
He knew that if he elbowed in and tried to break up the Clinch23, it would mean a Rope Ladder, a piece in the Papers, and a final Reconciliation24, with Parent playing the usual role of Goat.
He was resolved not to put in the remainder of his Days being panhandled by a Souffle who wore Dancing Pumps in the Daytime. The problem was to get shut of the Rodent25 without resorting to any Rough Stuff.
Father had never heard tell of the Perils26 of Propinquity, and he thought Psychology27 had something to do with Fish.
Just the same, he remembered about a Quail28 a day for 30 days, and he knew that the most agreeable Perfumery would not smell right if applied29 with a Garden Hose.
Likewise, he suspected that many a Quarter-Horse would blow, if put into a two-mile Handicap.
So he blocked out a Program which proved that Solomon had nothing on him.
Instead of grilling30 young Kenneth and holding him up to Contumely and forbidding him the use of the Cozy31 Corner, he started in to boost the Love Match.
Kenneth all but moved in his Trunk.
Father had a chance to weigh him, down to the last Ounce, and study the simple Mechanism32 of his transparent33 Personality.
Father classified the would-be Child-in-Law as a Gobbie, which means a
Home-Wrecker who is still learning his Trade.
The Candidate became a regular Boarder.
Kenneth would sit right up close to old Cash-in-Hand, who would egg him on to tell Dialect Stories and, after that, show how to make a Salad. The Stories were some that Marshall Wilder stopped using in 1882 and since then have been outlawed34 on the Kerosene35 Circuit.
After Bernice had heard these Almanac Wheezes36 26 or 28 times, she would sit still and look at the Center-Piece while Lover was performing.
The Gags didn't sound as killing37 as they had at first, and sometimes she wished the Dear Boy would chop on them.
No chance. Father had him kidded into believing that all the old ham-fat Riddles38 were simply Immense.
As for that Salad Specialty39, the poor Gink who calls loudly for English Mustard and thinks he is a Genius because he can rub a Bowl with a sprig of Garlic, may have his brief Hour of Triumph, but no man ever really got anywhere by doping Salad, when you stop to add it all up.
Father would put the two young people together in the back of the
Touring Car and ride them around for Hours at a time.
Anybody who has cut in on one of those animated40 Automobile41 Conversations, while the salaried Maniac42 from France is hitting up 42 miles an Hour, will tell you that the hind43 end of a Motor Vehicle is no good Trysting Place for an Engaged Couple.
Bernice would get home after one of these wild swoops44 into the realm of the Death Angel, and totter45 to her room and lie down, and murmur46: "I wonder what ailed47 Kenneth to-day. He seemed Preoccupied48."
That Same Evening, just when she needed Smelling Salts and Absolute Quiet, her enthusiastic Father would have Fiance up to Dinner and pull the same stale Repertoire49 and splash around in the Oil and Vinegar.
If any Guests were present, then Father would play Introducer and tell them beforehand how good Kenneth was.
When given his Cue, the Lad would swell50 up and spring a hot One about the Swede and the Irishman, while Bernice would fuss with the Salt and wonder dimly if the Future had aught in store for her except Dialect Stuff.
Father had read on a Blotter somewhere that Absence makes the Heart
grow fonder, so he played his System with the Reverse English.
He arranged a nice long trip by Land and Water and took the male
Breakfast.
Every Morning, when Bernice looked over her Baked Apple she saw nothing in this wide World except Kenneth, still reeking54 of Witch Hazel and spotted55 with Talcum Powder, and not very long on Sparkling Conversation.
When he was propped56 up in the cold Dawn, with his eyes partially57 open, he did not resemble a Royal Personage nearly as much as he had in some of his earlier Photographs.
Father would order soft-boiled Eggs to be Eaten from the Shell. When Kenneth got around to these, he would cease to be a Romantic Figure for at least a few Minutes. Bernice would turn away in dread58 and look out at the swaying Trees and long to see some of her Girl Friends back home.
After Kenneth had been served to her, three meals a day, for two Weeks and they had ridden together for Ages and Ages, in Pullman Compartments59, she made certain horrible Discoveries.
One of his Ears was larger than the other.
He made a funny noise with his Adam's Apple when drinking Hot Coffee.
When he was annoyed, he bit his nails.
When suffering from a Cold, he was Sniffy.
The first time she became aware of the slight discrepancy60 in Ears, she suffered only a slight Annoyance61. It handed her a tiny Pang62 to find a Flaw in a Piece of Work that she had regarded as Perfect.
After she had seen nothing else but those Ears for many, many Days, it became evident to her that if Kenneth truly loved her, he would go and have them fixed63.
Likewise, every time her Heart's Delight lifted the Cup to his Ruby64 Lips, she would grip the Table Cloth with both Hands, and whisper to herself, "Now we get the Funny Noise."
Kenneth, in the mean while, had found out that her Hair did not always look the same, but one who is striving to get a Meal Ticket for Life cannot be over-fastidious.
He was Game and stood ready to obey all Orders in order to pull down the Capital Prize.
He had been such a Hit in the Maple-Sundae Set that he could not conceive the possibility of any Female becoming satiated with his Society.
The poor Loon65 never stopped to figure out that the only way to keep a Girl sitting up and interested is to stay away once in a while and give her a Vacation.
Father was right on the Job to see that Bernice had no Vacation. He
framed it up to give her a Foretaste of Matrimony every Day in the Week.
If the Future Husband wandered more than thirty feet from her side,
Father would nail him and Sic him on to her again.
She would look up and say: "Oh, Fury! Look who's here again!"
Father put the Cap Sheaf on his big Experiment by accepting an invitation to go Yachting.
He put them side by side on Deck and told them to comfort each other, in case anything happened.
They never could have been quite the same to each other after that Day. Bernice wanted to get back on Shore and hunt her Room and peel down to a Kimono and refuse any Callers for a Month.
Even the accepted Swain was beginning to slow up. He could remember the time when he used to sit around with members of his own Sex.
Father had no Mercy. He took the two Invalids67 back to Land and rounded them up for Breakfast next morning.
When Kenneth appeared, he was slightly greenish in Color.
One Ear was three times as large as the other. He had caught a Sniffy
Cold.
In partaking of his Coffee he made Sounds similar to those coming through the Partition when the People in the adjoining Flat have trouble with the Plumbing68.
He saw Bernice glaring at him and bit his Nails in Embarrassment69.
"I was trying to recall that Story," said he—"the One about the German and the Dog."
Bernice gave one Shriek71 and then dashed from the Room, making hysterical72 Outcries along the Corridor.
Father told Kenneth to check all the Trunks for Home and then catch an early Train.
Bernice was squirming about on the Hotel Sofa when Father entered the
Room.
She threw herself into his Arms and passionately73 demanded, "Why, oh, why are you trying to force me into marrying that Creature?"
MORAL: Don't get acquainted too soon.
点击收听单词发音
1 juggler | |
n. 变戏法者, 行骗者 | |
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2 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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3 precipitated | |
v.(突如其来地)使发生( precipitate的过去式和过去分词 );促成;猛然摔下;使沉淀 | |
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4 debutantes | |
n.初进社交界的上流社会年轻女子( debutante的名词复数 ) | |
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5 foliage | |
n.叶子,树叶,簇叶 | |
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6 strapped | |
adj.用皮带捆住的,用皮带装饰的;身无分文的;缺钱;手头紧v.用皮带捆扎(strap的过去式和过去分词);用皮带抽打;包扎;给…打绷带 | |
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7 willow | |
n.柳树 | |
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8 grafted | |
移植( graft的过去式和过去分词 ); 嫁接; 使(思想、制度等)成为(…的一部份); 植根 | |
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9 cuff | |
n.袖口;手铐;护腕;vt.用手铐铐;上袖口 | |
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10 rumored | |
adj.传说的,谣传的v.传闻( rumor的过去式和过去分词 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷 | |
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11 sop | |
n.湿透的东西,懦夫;v.浸,泡,浸湿 | |
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12 dressing | |
n.(食物)调料;包扎伤口的用品,敷料 | |
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13 spats | |
n.口角( spat的名词复数 );小争吵;鞋罩;鞋套v.spit的过去式和过去分词( spat的第三人称单数 );口角;小争吵;鞋罩 | |
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14 domain | |
n.(活动等)领域,范围;领地,势力范围 | |
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15 parlor | |
n.店铺,营业室;会客室,客厅 | |
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16 soothing | |
adj.慰藉的;使人宽心的;镇静的 | |
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17 syrup | |
n.糖浆,糖水 | |
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18 vaudeville | |
n.歌舞杂耍表演 | |
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19 tenor | |
n.男高音(歌手),次中音(乐器),要旨,大意 | |
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20 ketchup | |
n.蕃茄酱,蕃茄沙司 | |
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21 snared | |
v.用罗网捕捉,诱陷,陷害( snare的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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22 woe | |
n.悲哀,苦痛,不幸,困难;int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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23 clinch | |
v.敲弯,钉牢;确定;扭住对方 [参]clench | |
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24 reconciliation | |
n.和解,和谐,一致 | |
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25 rodent | |
n.啮齿动物;adj.啮齿目的 | |
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26 perils | |
极大危险( peril的名词复数 ); 危险的事(或环境) | |
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27 psychology | |
n.心理,心理学,心理状态 | |
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28 quail | |
n.鹌鹑;vi.畏惧,颤抖 | |
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29 applied | |
adj.应用的;v.应用,适用 | |
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30 grilling | |
v.烧烤( grill的现在分词 );拷问,盘问 | |
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31 cozy | |
adj.亲如手足的,密切的,暖和舒服的 | |
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32 mechanism | |
n.机械装置;机构,结构 | |
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33 transparent | |
adj.明显的,无疑的;透明的 | |
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34 outlawed | |
宣布…为不合法(outlaw的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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35 kerosene | |
n.(kerosine)煤油,火油 | |
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36 wheezes | |
n.喘息声( wheeze的名词复数 )v.喘息,发出呼哧呼哧的喘息声( wheeze的第三人称单数 ) | |
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37 killing | |
n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财 | |
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38 riddles | |
n.谜(语)( riddle的名词复数 );猜不透的难题,难解之谜 | |
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39 specialty | |
n.(speciality)特性,特质;专业,专长 | |
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40 animated | |
adj.生气勃勃的,活跃的,愉快的 | |
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41 automobile | |
n.汽车,机动车 | |
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42 maniac | |
n.精神癫狂的人;疯子 | |
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43 hind | |
adj.后面的,后部的 | |
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44 swoops | |
猛扑,突然下降( swoop的名词复数 ) | |
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45 totter | |
v.蹒跚, 摇摇欲坠;n.蹒跚的步子 | |
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46 murmur | |
n.低语,低声的怨言;v.低语,低声而言 | |
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47 ailed | |
v.生病( ail的过去式和过去分词 );感到不舒服;处境困难;境况不佳 | |
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48 preoccupied | |
adj.全神贯注的,入神的;被抢先占有的;心事重重的v.占据(某人)思想,使对…全神贯注,使专心于( preoccupy的过去式) | |
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49 repertoire | |
n.(准备好演出的)节目,保留剧目;(计算机的)指令表,指令系统, <美>(某个人的)全部技能;清单,指令表 | |
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50 swell | |
vi.膨胀,肿胀;增长,增强 | |
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51 doting | |
adj.溺爱的,宠爱的 | |
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52 diabolical | |
adj.恶魔似的,凶暴的 | |
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53 supreme | |
adj.极度的,最重要的;至高的,最高的 | |
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54 reeking | |
v.发出浓烈的臭气( reek的现在分词 );散发臭气;发出难闻的气味 (of sth);明显带有(令人不快或生疑的跡象) | |
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55 spotted | |
adj.有斑点的,斑纹的,弄污了的 | |
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56 propped | |
支撑,支持,维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57 partially | |
adv.部分地,从某些方面讲 | |
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58 dread | |
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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59 compartments | |
n.间隔( compartment的名词复数 );(列车车厢的)隔间;(家具或设备等的)分隔间;隔层 | |
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60 discrepancy | |
n.不同;不符;差异;矛盾 | |
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61 annoyance | |
n.恼怒,生气,烦恼 | |
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62 pang | |
n.剧痛,悲痛,苦闷 | |
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63 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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64 ruby | |
n.红宝石,红宝石色 | |
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65 loon | |
n.狂人 | |
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66 maiden | |
n.少女,处女;adj.未婚的,纯洁的,无经验的 | |
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67 invalids | |
病人,残疾者( invalid的名词复数 ) | |
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68 plumbing | |
n.水管装置;水暖工的工作;管道工程v.用铅锤测量(plumb的现在分词);探究 | |
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69 embarrassment | |
n.尴尬;使人为难的人(事物);障碍;窘迫 | |
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70 impending | |
a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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71 shriek | |
v./n.尖叫,叫喊 | |
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72 hysterical | |
adj.情绪异常激动的,歇斯底里般的 | |
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73 passionately | |
ad.热烈地,激烈地 | |
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