The funereal1 refrain resounded2 in me anew: Victor killed! I expected.... Dead, dead, my brother! A procession of regrets was bound to follow! In spite of myself, paltry3 worries came back to annoy me, my sore foot as usual. I lost my temper. Despicable solicitude4! When I had been so hard hit!
Revolving5 these thoughts in my mind, I was suddenly seized with terror, with that terror which always freezes me at the sudden disappearance6 of any being with whom I have come into contact. But for all this terror I must confess that I was only moderately afflicted7, however reluctant I might be to admit it.
It went no doubt to prove that I was incapable8 of moral suffering. It filled me with shame. I longed ardently9 to overcome it. But in what way? Who could believe that I went as far as to ask myself, "What happens when one loses an only brother; how does one feel?"
And then all at once I lost patience. Come along! Come along! Let's be frank. Had I not sworn long ago to avoid all juggling10 with words. No[Pg 191] shammed11 grief for me! Quite true I had lost my brother! But what was he to me? I remember the impression, corroborated13 so often, that we had nothing in common. He, the classical type of soldier, a slave to his convictions. I, reared on philosophy, moulded of doubt and detachment. A brother to whom I had never for a moment opened my heart, with whom I had had no intimate converse14. How pitifully trite15, too, our correspondence had been! He for his part lived engrossed16 in the wife chosen and schooled to his liking17, and in his children, who interested me only as being pretty little creatures. My brother simply by an accident of birth! I obviously could not mourn for him in the same way as for someone I had loved!
This reasoning calmed me. But the question still persisted mechanically: "Then whom did I love?" Suddenly the answer, the cruel answer, presented itself: "No one on earth! I was quite alone!"
Why was the thought of my heart withered18 beyond all help, so odious19 to me to-day? Why, in order to dispel20 it, was I driven to conjure21 up the sorrow which years and years ago had made my child's heart bleed?
My mother. My sweet mother. Fourteen years had passed in vain, since that terrible day; the wound had never healed. She had been ill no time; a bad attack of influenza22, a great deal of fever, threatened pneumonia23. I had spent part of the afternoon in her room. She complained of nothing but thirst. I got her what she wanted and reminded her when it was time to take her medicine. She was not very much pulled down. I remember that she had congratulated me on obtaining a good place in Latin prose. Some[Pg 192] artless remark on the maid's part had tickled24 us both.... And that night the hospital nurse who had arrived a few hours before, knocked at my door, panic-stricken.... It was all over. What a thunderbolt it had been.
I felt my heart swell25 and my eyes fill again at the memory of it! I still mourned for her to-day, for her, for her! So I was not quite lacking in all humane26 feeling. And it was not my fault if the present stroke of destiny failed to move me at all deeply.
I felt softened27, however. The dear shade exhaled28 some tender property. I had been my mother's confidant as a child. It was to me that she liked to unbosom herself, morning and evening, as she bent29 her harmonious30 face over my face. She used to say to me: "We two understand each other, don't we?"
Had she not once or twice gently and seriously confided31 in me the secret of certain fears? Supposing anything were to happen to her, she seemed to fear for the future union of the family. She felt that she was the bond between us, that as long as she was alive, she concentrated our affections. My father, without entirely32 fathoming33 her, adored her, and so did my brother, though brought up away from her at school. If she were the first to go.... It was an odd presentiment34.
So my mother had foreseen this estrangement35 between beings of the same blood; had grieved about it beforehand. Alas36! she could never have believed that the breech could have yawned so large.... If she could have suspected that a day would come when her Michel would hear of the other's death with dry[Pg 193] eyes and an untouched heart, what bitterness it would have been to her! The thought weighed on my mind.
I got up and walked a few steps. I was limping slightly.
Frémont who was lying on his side gave me a friendly wave.
"What are you doing there?"
"Writing my diary."
He waved a bundle of closely written sheets.
"Are you telling her that we can hear firing?"
"Will you lend me your stylo, when you've finished?" I asked.
"Half a minute! I'm just ending it off."
He got up.
"I recommend you to try my desk; this big stone. Most handy! Got some writing paper?"
"Yes, thanks."
I settled down. The idea of writing had been put into my head by the sight of Frémont. By doing so it seemed to me that I might atone41 for or lessen42 my lack of....
I sent my condolences first of all to my father, to whom Victor was everything; his sole object in existence. Fragments of a recent conversation floated across my mind. In what a voice he had said: "They will nearly all stay there!" The old Spartan43! But had he not counted too much on his strength of mind.[Pg 194]... And yet, no. I was certain of his unshakable constancy. I foresaw that in case of victory, the old man would not utter a complaint, but would congratulate himself on having contributed to it by his loss.
Oh, come along. It had got to be done.... Luckily I need not write much. The noise of the cannonade was a good excuse for brevity. A few sentences would be enough, a suitable expression of my compassion44. I signed it. Then I wrote a line to my sister-in-law. That of course was obligatory45. Poor little woman! A widow, at twenty-four, with two kids.... The idea of her loneliness and misery46 saddened me. My pen raced over the paper. I was soon at the end of a sheet.
I fastened up these letters with a sigh of relief at having done my duty. But it suddenly struck me that I could not send them. They would run the risk of getting there before the official intimation. I shuddered47 at the idea.
Then why should I have been in such a hurry?
Meanwhile I felt about in my pocket, and pulled out a third card. Did I realise at once where my steps were taking me? I think not. I had only written the heading.... And yet! I was smiling; but I was strangely troubled.
A line to announce this loss which clouded my campaign, a pitying allusion48 to the misery of the survivor49. What should I add? I was not dissatisfied with the manly50 words in which I describe us as sending a friendly greeting to a few beings in the world, just as we were about to hurl51 ourselves into the ghastly furnace.
I re-read them with a smile, half-tender, half-scepti[Pg 195]cal, and slowly and rather dreamily, I addressed the envelope.
Mademoiselle Jeannine Landry
St-Mandé.
Perhaps I should fall with it on my breast....
And people would think I had been writing to my fiancée!
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1
funereal
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| adj.悲哀的；送葬的 | |
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resounded
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| v.（指声音等）回荡于某处( resound的过去式和过去分词 )；产生回响；（指某处）回荡着声音 | |
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3
paltry
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| adj.无价值的，微不足道的 | |
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solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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6
disappearance
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| n.消失，消散，失踪 | |
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afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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10
juggling
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| n. 欺骗, 杂耍(=jugglery) adj. 欺骗的, 欺诈的 动词juggle的现在分词 | |
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11
shammed
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| 假装，冒充( sham的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12
rue
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| n.懊悔，芸香，后悔；v.后悔，悲伤，懊悔 | |
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corroborated
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| v.证实，支持（某种说法、信仰、理论等）( corroborate的过去式 ) | |
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converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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trite
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| adj.陈腐的 | |
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engrossed
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| adj.全神贯注的 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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18
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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19
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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20
dispel
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| vt.驱走，驱散，消除 | |
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21
conjure
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| v.恳求，祈求；变魔术，变戏法 | |
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influenza
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| n.流行性感冒，流感 | |
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pneumonia
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| n.肺炎 | |
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24
tickled
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| （使）发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）愉快，逗乐 | |
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25
swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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humane
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| adj.人道的，富有同情心的 | |
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27
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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28
exhaled
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| v.呼出，发散出( exhale的过去式和过去分词 )；吐出（肺中的空气、烟等），呼气 | |
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29
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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30
harmonious
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| adj.和睦的，调和的，和谐的，协调的 | |
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31
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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32
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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33
fathoming
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| 测量 | |
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34
presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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35
estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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36
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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37
deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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38
uproar
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| n.骚动，喧嚣，鼎沸 | |
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39
grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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40
humdrum
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| adj.单调的，乏味的 | |
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41
atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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42
lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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43
spartan
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| adj.简朴的，刻苦的；n.斯巴达；斯巴达式的人 | |
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44
compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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45
obligatory
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| adj.强制性的，义务的，必须的 | |
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46
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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47
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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48
allusion
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| n.暗示，间接提示 | |
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49
survivor
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| n.生存者，残存者，幸存者 | |
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50
manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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51
hurl
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| vt.猛投，力掷，声叫骂 | |
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52
despatch
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| n./v.(dispatch)派遣；发送；n.急件；新闻报道 | |
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