“Very nice,” he declared at last.
Mr. Bojanus, who had been watching his client in silence and with a polite but also, Gumbril could not help feeling, a somewhat ironical7 smile, coughed. “It depends,” he said, “precisely8 what you mean by ‘nice.’” He cocked his head on one side, and the fine waxed end of his moustache was like a pointer aimed up at some remote star.
Gumbril said nothing, but catching9 sight once more of his own side view, nodded a dubious10 agreement.
112“If by nice,” continued Mr. Bojanus, “you mean comfortable, well and good. If, however, you mean elegant, then, Mr. Gumbril, I fear I must disagree.”
“But elegance,” said Gumbril, feebly playing the philosopher, “is only relative, Mr. Bojanus. There are certain African negroes, among whom it is considered elegant to pierce the lips and distend11 them with wooden plates, until the mouth looks like a pelican’s beak12.”
Mr. Bojanus placed his hand in his bosom13 and slightly bowed. “Very possibly, Mr. Gumbril,” he replied. “But if you’ll pardon my saying so, we are not African negroes.”
Gumbril was crushed, deservedly. He looked at himself again in the mirrors. “Do you object,” he asked after a pause, “to all eccentricities14 in dress, Mr. Bojanus? Would you put us all into your elegant uniform?”
“Certainly not,” replied Mr. Bojanus. “There are certain walks of life in which eccentricity15 in appearance is positively16 a sine qua non, Mr. Gumbril, and I might almost say de rigueur.”
“And which walks of life, Mr. Bojanus, may I ask? You refer, perhaps, to the artistic17 walks? Sombreros and Byronic collars and possibly velveteen trousers? Though all that sort of thing is surely a little out of date, nowadays.”
Enigmatically Mr. Bojanus smiled, a playful Sphinx. He thrust his right hand deeper into his bosom and with his left twisted to a finer needle the point of his moustache. “Not artists, Mr. Gumbril.” He shook his head. “In practice they may show themselves a little eccentric and negleejay. But they have no need to look unusual on principle. It’s only the politicians who need do it on 113principle. It’s only de rigueur, as one might say, in the political walks, Mr. Gumbril.”
“You surprise me,” said Gumbril. “I should have thought that it was to the politician’s interest to look respectable and normal.”
“But it is still more to his interest as a leader of men to look distinguished,” Mr. Bojanus replied. “Well, not precisely distinguished,” he corrected himself, “because that implies that politicians look distangay, which I regret to say, Mr. Gumbril, they very often don’t. Distinguishable, is more what I mean.”
“Eccentricity is their badge of office?” suggested Gumbril. He sat down luxuriously18 on the Patent Small-Clothes.
“That’s more like it,” said Mr. Bojanus, tilting19 his moustaches. “The leader has got to look different from the other ones. In the good old days they always wore their official badges. The leader ’ad his livery, like every one else, to show who he was. That was sensible, Mr. Gumbril. Nowadays he has no badge—at least not for ordinary occasions—for I don’t count Privy20 Councillors’ uniforms and all that sort of once-a-year fancy dress. ’E’s reduced to dressing21 in some eccentric way or making the most of the peculiarities22 of ’is personal appearance. A very ’apazard method of doing things, Mr. Gumbril, very ’apazard.”
Gumbril agreed.
Mr. Bojanus went on, making small, neat gestures as he spoke23. “Some of them,” he said, “wear ’uge collars, like Mr. Gladstone. Some wear orchids24 and eyeglasses, like Joe Chamberlain. Some let their ’air grow, like Lloyd George. Some wear curious ’ats, like Winston Churchill. 114Some put on black shirts, like this Mussolini, and some put on red ones, like Garibaldi. Some turn up their moustaches, like the German Emperor. Some turn them down, like Clemenceau. Some grow whiskers, like Tirpitz. I don’t speak of all the uniforms, orders, ornaments25, ’ead-dresses, feathers, crowns, buttons, tattooings, ear-rings, sashes, swords, trains, tiaras, urims, thummims and what not, Mr. Gumbril, that ’ave been used in the past and in other parts of the world to distinguish the leader. We, ’oo know our ’istory, Mr. Gumbril, we know all about that.”
Gumbril made a deprecating gesture. “You speak for yourself, Mr. Bojanus,” he said.
Mr. Bojanus bowed.
“Pray continue,” said Gumbril.
Mr. Bojanus bowed again. “Well, Mr. Gumbril,” he said, “the point of all these things, as I’ve already remarked, is to make the leader look different, so that ’e can be recognized at the first coop d’oil, as you might say, by the ’erd ’e ’appens to be leading. For the ’uman ’erd, Mr. Gumbril, is an ’erd which can’t do without a leader. Sheep, for example: I never noticed that they ’ad a leader; nor rooks. Bees, on the other ’and, I take it, ’ave. At least when they’re swarming26. Correct me, Mr. Gumbril, if I’m wrong. Natural ’istory was never, as you might say, my forty.”
“Nor mine,” protested Gumbril.
“As for elephants and wolves, Mr. Gumbril, I can’t pretend to speak of them with first-’and knowledge. Nor llamas, nor locusts27, nor squab pigeons, nor lemmings. But ’uman beings, Mr. Gumbril, those I can claim to talk of with authority, if I may say so in all modesty28, and not as 115the scribes. I ’ave made a special study of them, Mr. Gumbril. And my profession ’as brought me into contact with very numerous specimens29.”
Gumbril could not help wondering where precisely in Mr. Bojanus’s museum he himself had his place.
“The ’uman ’erd,” Mr. Bojanus went on, “must have a leader. And a leader must have something to distinguish him from the ’erd. It’s important for ’is interests that he should be recognized easily. See a baby reaching out of a bath and you immediately think of Pears’ Soap; see the white ’air waving out behind and think of Lloyd George. That’s the secret. But in my opinion, Mr. Gumbril, the old system was much more sensible, give them regular uniforms and badges, I say; make Cabinet Ministers wear feathers in their ’air. Then the people will be looking to a real fixed30 symbol of leadership, not to the peculiarities of the mere31 individuals. Beards and ’air and funny collars change; but a good uniform is always the same. Give them feathers, that’s what I say, Mr. Gumbril. Feathers will increase the dignity of the State and lessen32 the importance of the individual. And that,” concluded Mr. Bojanus with emphasis, “that, Mr. Gumbril, will be all to the good.”
“But you don’t mean to tell me,” said Gumbril, “that if I chose to show myself to the multitude in my inflated trousers, I could become a leader—do you?”
“Ah, no,” said Mr. Bojanus. “You’d ’ave to ’ave the talent for talking and ordering people about, to begin with. Feathers wouldn’t give the genius, but they’d magnify the effect of what there was.”
Gumbril got up and began to divest33 himself of the Small-Clothes. He unscrewed the valve and the air whistled out, 116dyingly. He too sighed. “Curious,” he said pensively34, “that I’ve never felt the need for a leader. I’ve never met any one I felt I could whole-heartedly admire or believe in, never any one I wanted to follow. It must be pleasant, I should think, to hand oneself over to somebody else. It must give you a warm, splendid, comfortable feeling.”
Mr. Bojanus smiled and shook his head. “You and I, Mr. Gumbril,” he said, “we’re not the sort of people to be impressed with feathers or even by talking and ordering about. We may not be leaders ourselves. But at any rate we aren’t the ’erd.”
“Not any ’erd,” Mr. Bojanus insisted proudly.
Gumbril shook his head dubiously36 and buttoned up his trousers. He was not sure, now he came to think of it, that he didn’t belong to all the herds—by a sort of honorary membership and temporarily, as occasion offered, as one belongs to the union at the sister university or to the Naval37 and Military Club while one’s own is having its annual clean-out. Shearwater’s herd, Lypiatt’s herd, Mr. Mercaptan’s herd, Mrs. Viveash’s herd, the architectural herd of his father, the educational herd (but that, thank God! was now bleating38 on distant pastures), the herd of Mr. Bojanus—he belonged to them all a little, to none of them completely. Nobody belonged to his herd. How could they? No chameleon39 can live with comfort on a tartan. He put on his coat.
“I’ll send the garments this evening,” said Mr. Bojanus. Gumbril left the shop. At the theatrical40 wig-maker’s in Leicester Square he ordered a blond fan-shaped beard to match his own hair and moustache. He would, at any rate, be his own leader; he would wear a badge, a symbol 117of authority. And Coleman had said that there were dangerous relations to be entered into by the symbol’s aid.
Ah, now he was provisionally a member of Coleman’s herd. It was all very depressing.
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1
inflated
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| adj.（价格）飞涨的；（通货）膨胀的；言过其实的；充了气的v.使充气（于轮胎、气球等）( inflate的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）膨胀；（使）通货膨胀；物价上涨 | |
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2
bulge
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| n.突出，膨胀，激增；vt.突出，膨胀 | |
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3
bulged
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| 凸出( bulge的过去式和过去分词 )； 充满； 塞满（某物） | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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opulence
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| n.财富，富裕 | |
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6
bulging
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| 膨胀； 凸出（部）； 打气； 折皱 | |
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7
ironical
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| adj.讽刺的，冷嘲的 | |
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8
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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11
distend
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| vt./vi.（使）扩大，（使）扩张 | |
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beak
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| n.鸟嘴，茶壶嘴，钩形鼻 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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14
eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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15
eccentricity
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| n.古怪，反常，怪癖 | |
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16
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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17
artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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luxuriously
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| adv.奢侈地，豪华地 | |
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19
tilting
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| 倾斜，倾卸 | |
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privy
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| adj.私用的；隐密的 | |
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21
dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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24
orchids
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| n.兰花( orchid的名词复数 ) | |
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25
ornaments
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| n.装饰( ornament的名词复数 )；点缀；装饰品；首饰v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的第三人称单数 ) | |
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26
swarming
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| 密集( swarm的现在分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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27
locusts
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| n.蝗虫( locust的名词复数 )；贪吃的人；破坏者；槐树 | |
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28
modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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specimens
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| n.样品( specimen的名词复数 )；范例；（化验的）抽样；某种类型的人 | |
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30
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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31
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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32
lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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33
divest
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| v.脱去，剥除 | |
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pensively
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| adv.沉思地，焦虑地 | |
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35
herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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36
dubiously
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| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
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37
naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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38
bleating
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| v.（羊，小牛）叫( bleat的现在分词 )；哭诉；发出羊叫似的声音；轻声诉说 | |
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39
chameleon
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| n.变色龙，蜥蜴；善变之人 | |
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40
theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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