There was a man I used to know whose business it was to succeed in life, and who had made a profession of this from the age of nineteen. His father had left him a fortune of about ￡600 a year, which he still possesses, but, with that exception, he has been made by the gods a sort of puffball for their amusement, the sort of thing they throw about the room. It was before his father’s death that a determination was taken to make him the land agent at the house of a cousin, who would give him a good salary, and it was arranged, as is the custom in that trade, that he should do nothing in return but dine, smoke, and ride about. The next step was easy. He would be put into Parliament, and then, by quiet, effective speaking and continual voting, he would become a statesman, and so grow more and more famous, and succeed more and more, and marry into the fringes of one of the great families, and then die.
[245]To this happy prospect3 was his future turned when he set out, not upon the old mare4 but upon the new Arab which his father had foolishly bought as an experiment, to visit his cousin’s home and to make the last arrangements. And note in what follows that every step in the success-business came off, and yet somehow the sum total was disappointing, and at the present moment one can very definitely say that he has not succeeded.
He set out, I say, upon the new Arab, going gently along the sunken road that leads to the Downs, when a man carrying a faggot at the end of a pitchfork seemed to that stupid beast a preternatural apparition5, and it shied forward and sideways like a knight’s move, so that the Unfortunate Man fell off heavily and hurt himself dreadfully. When the Arab had done this it stood with its beautiful tail arched out, and its beautiful neck arched also, looking most pitifully at its fallen rider, and with a sadness in its eye like that of the horse in the Heliodorus. The Unfortunate Man got on again, feeling but a slight pain in the right shoulder. But what I would particularly have you know is this: that the pain has never wholly disappeared, and is perhaps a little worse now after twenty years than it has been at any previous time. Moreover, he has spent quite ￡350 in trying to have it cured, and he has gone to foreign watering-places, and has learnt all manner of names, how that according to one man it is rheumatism6, and[246] according to another it is suppressed gout, and according to another a lesion. But the point to him is the pain, and this endures.
Well, then, he rode over the Down and came out through the Combe to his cousin’s house. The gate out of the field into the park was shut, and as he leaned over to open it he dropped his crop. I am ashamed to say that—it was the only act of the kind in his career, but men who desire to succeed ought not to act in this fashion—he did not get down to pick it up because he was afraid that if he did he might not be able to get on to the horse again. With infinite trouble, leaning right down over the horse’s neck, he managed to open the gate with his hands, but in doing so he burst his collar, and he had to keep it more or less in place by putting down his chin in a ridiculous and affected8 attitude. His hopes of making a fine entry at a pretty ambling9 trot10, that perhaps his cousin would be watching from the window, were already sufficiently11 spoilt by the necessity he was under of keeping his collar thus, when the accursed animal bolted, and with the speed of lightning passed directly in front of a little lawn where his cousin, his cousin’s wife, and their little child were seated admiring the summer’s day. It was not until the horse had taken him nearly half a mile away that he got him right again, and so returned hot, dishevelled, and very miserable12.
But they received him kindly13, and his cousin’s[247] wife, who was a most motherly woman, put him as best she could at his ease. She even got him another collar, knowing how terrible is the state of the soul when the collar is burst in company. And he sat down with them to make friends and discuss the future. He had always heard that among the chief avenues to success is to play with and be kind to the children of the Great, so he smiled in a winning manner at his cousin’s little boy, and stretching out his arms took the child playfully by the hand. A piercing scream and a sharp kick upon the shin simultaneously14 informed him that he had fallen into yet another misfortune, and the boy’s mother, though she was kindness itself, was startled into speaking to him very sharply, and telling him that the poor lad suffered from a deeply cut finger which was then but slowly healing. He made his apologies in a nervous but sincere manner, and in doing so was awkward enough to upset the little table which they had carried out upon the lawn, and upon which had been set the cups and saucers for tea. The whole thing was exceedingly annoying.
You must not imagine that he failed to obtain the sinecure16 which his father had sent him to secure. As I have already said, the failure of the Unfortunate Man was not a failure in major plans but in details. There may have been some to whom his career appeared enviable or even glorious,[248] but Fate always watched him in a merry mood, and he was destined17 to suffer an interior misery18 which never failed to be sharpened and enlivened by the innumerable accidents of life.
He obtained for his cousin from the North of Scotland a man of sterling19 capacity, whose methods of agriculture had more than doubled the income of a previous employer; but as luck would have it this fellow, whose knowledge of farming was quite amazing, was not honest, and after some few months he had absconded20 with a considerable sum of money. A well which he had advised to be dug failed to find water for some two hundred feet, and then after all that expense fell in. He lamed21 one of his cousin’s best horses by no fault of his own; the animal trod upon a hidden spike22 of wood and had to be shot; and in doing his duty by upbraiding23 a very frousty old man who was plunging24 about recklessly just where a lot of she (or hen) pheasants were sitting on their eggs he mortally offended the chief landowner of the neighbourhood, who was none other than the frousty old man himself, and who was tramping across the brushwood to see his cousin upon most important matters. It was therefore in a condition of despair that his cousin finally financed him for Parliament. The constituency which he bought after some negotiations25 was a corrupt26 seaport27 upon the coast of Rutlandshire (here is no libel!). He was at first assured that there would be no opposition28, and acting29 upon this assurance took the one[249] brief holiday which he had allowed himself for five years. The doctor, who was anxious about his nerves, recommended a sea voyage of a week upon a ship without wireless30 apparatus31. He landed in Jamaica to receive a telegram which informed him that a local gentleman of vast influence, eccentric, and the chief landowner in the constituency, had determined32 to run against him, and which implored34 him to cable a considerable sum of money, though no such sum was at his disposal.
In the earthquake the next day he luckily escaped from bodily injury, but his nerves were terribly shaken. Thenceforward he suffered from little tricks of grimace35 which were to him infinitely36 painful, but to others always a source of secret, sometimes of open, merriment. He returned and fought the election. He was elected by a majority of 231, but not until he had been twice blackmailed37, and had upon at least three occasions given money to men who afterwards turned out to have no vote. I may say, to put the matter briefly38, that he retained the seat uninterruptedly until the last election, but always by tiny majorities at the expense of infinite energy, sweating blood, as it were, with anxiety at every poll, and this although he was opposed by the most various people. It was Fate!
He spoke39 frequently in the House of Commons, and always unsuccessfully, until one day a quite unexpected accident of war in a foreign country gave him his opportunity. It so happened that the[250] Unfortunate Man knew all about this country; he had read every book published upon it; it was the one thing upon which he was an authority. And ridiculous as had been his numerous efforts to engage the attention of the august assembly, upon this matter at least his judgment40 was eagerly expected. The greatest courtesy was shown him, the Government arranged that he should speak at the most telling time of the debate, and when he rose it was before a full House, strained to an eager attention.
He struck an attitude at once impressive and refined, stretched forth41 his hand in a manner that gave promise of much to come, and was suddenly seized with an immoderate fit of coughing. An aged7 gentleman, a wool merchant by profession, who sat immediately behind him, thought to do a kindly thing by slapping him upon the back, being ignorant of that Shoulder Trouble with which the jolly reader is acquainted. And the Unfortunate Man, in the midst of his paroxysm of coughing, could not restrain a loud cry of anguish43. Confused interruptions, rising to a roar of protest, prevented him from going further, and he was so imprudent, or rather so wretchedly unlucky, as to be stung into a violent expression of opinion directed towards another member sitting upon his immediate42 left, a moneylender by trade and very sensitive. This fellow alone had heard the highly objectionable word which the Unfortunate Man had let drop. It is a word very commonly used by gentlemen in[251] privacy, but rare, indeed, or rather wholly unused on the public occasions of our dignified44 political life. In vain did those about the moneylender pull at his skirts and implore33 him not to rise. He was white with passion. He rose and appealed to the Chair. He reiterated45 the offensive expression in the clearest and most articulate fashion, apologising to the horrified46 assembly for having to sully the air it breathed by the necessary repetition of so abominable47 an epithet48, and he demanded the correction of the monster in human form who had descended49 to use it. The reprimand which the Unfortunate Man received from the Chair was lengthy50 and severe, and from that day forward he determined that the many omens51 of ill-fortune which had marked his life had reached their turn. He was too proud to resign, but his caucus52, in spite of further considerable gifts of money, indignantly repudiated53 their Member, and when the election came he had not the courage to face it.
He is now living, broken and prematurely54 aged, in a brick house which he has built for himself in a charming part of the County of Surrey. He has recently discovered that the title to his freehold is insecure: an action is pending55. Meanwhile, a spring of water has broken out under the foundations of the building, and some quarter of a mile before its windows, obscuring the view of the Weald in which he particularly delighted, a very large factory with four tall chimneys is in process[252] of erection. These things have depressed56 him almost to the verge57 of despair, and he can only forget his miseries58 in motoring. He is continually fined for excessive speed, though by nature the most cautious of men, and terrified by high speeds, and I learn only to-day that as he was getting ready to go into Guildford to dispute a further fine before the Bench a backfire has put his wrist out of joint59, and he suffers intolerable pain. Militia60 est Vita Hominis!
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1
stoics
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| 禁欲主义者，恬淡寡欲的人，不以苦乐为意的人( stoic的名词复数 ) | |
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2
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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3
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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apparition
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| n.幽灵，神奇的现象 | |
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rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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ambling
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| v.（马）缓行( amble的现在分词 )；从容地走，漫步 | |
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10
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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11
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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arena
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| n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台 | |
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16
sinecure
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| n.闲差事，挂名职务 | |
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17
destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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19
sterling
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| adj.英币的(纯粹的，货真价实的)；n.英国货币(英镑) | |
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20
absconded
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| v.（尤指逃避逮捕）潜逃，逃跑( abscond的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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21
lamed
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| 希伯莱语第十二个字母 | |
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22
spike
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| n.长钉，钉鞋；v.以大钉钉牢，使...失效 | |
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23
upbraiding
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| adj.& n.谴责（的）v.责备，申斥，谴责( upbraid的现在分词 ) | |
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24
plunging
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| adj.跳进的，突进的v.颠簸( plunge的现在分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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25
negotiations
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| 协商( negotiation的名词复数 )； 谈判； 完成（难事）； 通过 | |
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corrupt
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| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
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seaport
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| n.海港，港口，港市 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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wireless
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| adj.无线的；n.无线电 | |
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apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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32
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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implore
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| vt.乞求，恳求，哀求 | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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grimace
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| v.做鬼脸，面部歪扭 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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blackmailed
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| 胁迫，尤指以透露他人不体面行为相威胁以勒索钱财( blackmail的过去式 ) | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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39
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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40
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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41
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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42
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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43
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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44
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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45
reiterated
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| 反复地说，重申( reiterate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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47
abominable
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| adj.可厌的，令人憎恶的 | |
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48
epithet
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| n.（用于褒贬人物等的）表述形容词，修饰语 | |
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49
descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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50
lengthy
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| adj.漫长的，冗长的 | |
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51
omens
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| n.前兆，预兆( omen的名词复数 ) | |
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52
caucus
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| n.秘密会议；干部会议；v.（参加）干部开会议 | |
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53
repudiated
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| v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务） | |
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54
prematurely
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| adv.过早地，贸然地 | |
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pending
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| prep.直到，等待…期间；adj.待定的；迫近的 | |
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56
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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57
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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58
miseries
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| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
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59
joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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60
militia
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| n.民兵，民兵组织 | |
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