John looked at the clock. It was early hours, and there would be no need to go out for a long time. He went back to bed and remained there without sleep, gazing up at the ceiling.... He fell to thinking of what he would have to face in the valley now.... His mother had hinted at the wide scope of it last night when she said that she would rather anything in God's world had happened than this thing, this sudden[Pg 178] home-coming.... She was thinking only of her own pride. It was an offense9 against her pride, he felt, and that was all. It stood to lessen10 the exalted11 position which the purpose of his existence gave her before the other women of the valley. But he had begun to feel the importance of his own person in the scheme of circumstance by which he was surrounded. It had begun to appear to him that he mattered somehow; that in some undreamt-of way he might leave his mark upon the valley before he died.
He would go to Mass in Garradrimna this morning. He very well knew how this attendance at morning Mass was a comfort to his mother. He was about to do this thing to please her now. Yet, how was the matter going to affect himself? He would be stared at by the very walls and trees as he went the wet road into Garradrimna; and no matter what position he might take up in the chapel13 there would be very certain to be a few who would come kneeling together into a little group and, in hushed tones within the presence of their God upon the altar, say:
"Now, isn't that John Brennan I see before me, or can I believe my eyes? Aye, it must be him. Expelled, I suppose. Begad that's great. Expelled! Begad!" If he happened to take the slightest side-glance around, he would catch glimpses of eyes sunk low beneath brows which published expressions midway between pity and contempt, between delight and curiosity.... In some wonderful way the first evidence of his long hoped for downfall would spread throughout the small congregation. Those in front would let their heads or prayerbooks fall beside or behind them, so that they might have[Pg 179] an excuse for turning around to view the young man who, in his unfortunate presence here, stood for this glad piece of intelligence. The acolytes14 serving Father O'Keeffe, and having occasional glimpses of the congregation, would see the black-coated figure set there in contradistinction to Charlie Clarke and the accustomed voteens with the bobbing bonnets15. In their wise looks up at him they would seem to communicate the news to the priest.
And although only a very few seconds had elapsed, Father O'Keeffe would have thrown off his vestments and be going bounding towards the Presbytery for his breakfast as John emerged from the chapel. It would be an ostentatious meeting. Although he had neither act nor part in it, nor did he favor it in any way, Father O'Keeffe always desired people to think that it was he who was "doing for Mrs. Brennan's boy beyond in England." ... There would be the usual flow of questions, a deep pursing of the lips, and the sudden creation of a wise, concerned, ecclesiastical look at every answer. Then there was certain to come the final brutal16 question: "And what are you going to do with yourself meanwhile, is it any harm to ask?" As he continued to stare up vacantly at the ceiling, John could not frame a possible answer to that question. And yet he knew it would be the foremost of Father O'Keeffe's questions.
There would be the hurried crowding into every doorway17 and into all the squinting18 windows as he went past. Outwardly there would be smiles of welcome for him, but in the seven publichouses of Garradrimna the exultation19 would be so great as to make men who had been[Pg 180] ancient enemies stand drinks to one another in the moment of gladness which had come upon them with the return of John Brennan.
"'Tis expelled he is like Ulick Shannon. That's as sure as you're there!"
"To be sure he's expelled. And wouldn't any one know he was going to be expelled the same as the other fellow, the way they were conducting themselves last summer, running after gerrls and drinking like hell?"
"And did ye ever hear such nonsense? The idea of him going on for to be a priest!" Then there would be a shaking of wise heads and a coming of wise looks into their faces.
He could see what would happen when he met the fathers of Garradrimna, when he met Padna Padna or Shamesy Golliher. There would be the short, dry laugh from Padna Padna, and a pathetic scrambling20 of the dimming intelligence to recognize him.
"And is that you, John? Back again! Well, boys-a-day! And isn't it grand that Ulick Shannon is at home these times too? Isn't it a pity about Ulick, for he's a decent fellow? Every bit as decent as his father, Henry Shannon, was, and he was a damned decent fellow. Ah, 'tis a great pity of him to be exshpelled. Aye, 'tis a great pity of any one that does be exshpelled."
The meeting with Shamesy Golliher formed as a clearer picture before his mind.
"Arrah me sound man, John, sure I thought you'd be saying the Mass before this time. There's nothing strange in the valley at all. Only 'tis harder than ever to get the rabbits, the weeshy devils! Only for Ulick[Pg 181] Shannon I don't know what I'd do for a drink sometimes. But, damn it, he's the decentest fellow.... You're only a few minutes late, sure 'tis only this blessed minute that Miss Kerr's gone on to the school.... And you could have been chatting with her so grandly all the way!"
That John Brennan should be thinking after this fashion, creating all those little scenes before the eye of his mind and imagining their accompanying conversations, was indicative of the way the valley and the village had forced their reality upon him last summer. But this pictured combination of incidents was intensified21 by a certain morbid22 way of dwelling23 upon things his long spells of meditation24 by the lake had brought him. Yet he knew that even all his clear vision of the mean ways of life around him would not act as an incentive25 to combat them but, most extraordinary to imagine, as a sort of lure26 towards the persecution27 of their scenes and incidents.
"It must be coming near time to rise for Mass," he said aloud to himself, as he felt that he had been quite a long time giving himself up to speculations28 in which there was no joy.
There was a tap upon the door. It was his mother calling him, as had been her custom during all the days of his holiday times. The door opened and she came into the room. Her manner seemed to have changed somewhat from the night before. The curious look of tenderness she had always displayed while gazing upon him seemed to have struggled back into her eyes. She came and sat by the bedside and, for a few moments, both were silent.
[Pg 182]
"'Tis very cold this morning, mother," was the only thing John could think of saying.
A slight confusion seemed to have come upon her since her entrance to the room. Without any warning by a word, she suddenly threw her arms about him as he lay there on the bed and covered his face with kisses. He was amazed, but her kisses seemed to hurt him.... It must have been years and years since she had kissed him like this, and now he was a man.... When she released him so that he could look up at her he saw that she was crying.
"I'm sorry about last night, John," she said. "I'm sorry, darling; but surely I could not bring myself to do it. Even for a few hours I wanted to keep them from knowing. I even wanted to keep your father from knowing. So I did not tell him until I heard your poor, wet foot come sopping29 up to the door. He did not curse much then, for he seems to have begun to feel a little respect for you. But the curses of him all through the night were enough to lift the roof off the house. Oh, he's the terrible man, for all me praying and all me reading to him of good, holy books; and 'tis no wonder for all kinds of misfortune to fall, though God between us and all harm, what am I saying at all?... It was the hard, long walk down the wet, dark road from Kilaconnaghan last night, and it pained me every inch of the way. If it hurt your feet and your limbs, avic, remember that your suffering was nothing to the pain that plowed30 through your mother's heart all the while you were coming along to this house.... But God only knows I couldn't. I couldn't let them see me setting off into the twilight31 upon the little ass12, and I[Pg 183] going for me son. I even went so far as to catch the little ass and yoke32 him, and put on the grand clothes I was decked out in when I met you last June with the motor. But somehow I hadn't the heart for the journey this time, and you coming home before you were due. I couldn't let them see me! I couldn't let them see me, so I couldn't!"
"But it is not my fault, mother. I have not brought it about directly by any action of mine. It comes from the changed state of everything on account of the Great War. You may say it came naturally."
"Ah, sure I know that, dear, I know it well, and don't be troubling yourself. In the letter of the rector before the very last one didn't he mention the change of resigned application that had at last come to you, and that you had grown less susceptible33—I think that is the grand word he used—aye, less susceptible to distractions34 and more quiet in your mind? And I knew as well as anything that it was coming to pass so beautifully, that all the long prayers I had said for you upon me two bare, bended knees were after being heard at last, and a great joy was just beginning to come surging into me heart when the terrible blow of the last letter fell down upon me. But sure I used to be having the queerest dreams, and I felt that nothing good was going to happen when Ulick Shannon came down here expelled from the University in Dublin. You used to be a great deal in his company last summer, and mebbe there was some curse put upon the both of you together. May God forgive me, but I hate that young fellow like poison. I don't know rightly why it is, but it vexes35 me to see him idling around the way he is after what's[Pg 184] happened to him. Bragging36 about being expelled he bees every day in McDermott's of Garradrimna. And his uncle Myles is every bit as bad, going to keep him at home until the end of next summer. 'To give him time to think of things,' he says. 'I'm going to find a use for him,' he says to any one that asks him, 'never you fear!' Well, begad, 'tis a grand thing not to know what to do with your money like the Shannons of Scarden Hill.... But sure I'm talking and talking. 'Tis what I came in to tell you now of the plan I have been making up all night. If we let them see that we're lying down under this misfortune we're bet surely. We must put a brave face upon it. You must make a big show-off that you're after getting special holidays for some great, successful examination you've passed ahead of any one else in the college. I'll let on I'm delighted, and be mad to tell it to every customer that comes into the sewing-room. But you must help me; you must go about saying hard things of Ulick Shannon that's after being expelled, for that's the very best way you can do it. He'll mebbe seek your company like last year, but you must let him see for certain that you consider yourself a deal above him. But you mustn't be so quiet and go moping so much about the lake as you used to. You must go about everywhere, talking of yourself and what you're going to be. Now you must do all this for my sake—won't you, John?"
His tremulous "yes" was very unenthusiastic and seemed to hold no great promise of fulfilment. These were hard things his mother was asking him to do, and he would require some time to think them over.... But even now he wondered was it in him to do them[Pg 185] at all. The attitude towards Ulick Shannon which she now proposed would be a curious thing, for they had been the best of friends.
"And while you're doing this thing for me, John, I'll be going on with me plans for your future. It was me, and me only, that set up this beautiful plan of the priesthood as the future I wanted for you. I got no one to help me, I can tell you that. Only every one to raise their hands against me. And in spite of all that I carried me plan to what success the rector spoke37 of in his last letter. And even though this shadow has fallen across it, me son and meself between us are not going to let it be the end. For I want to see you a priest, John. I want to see you a priest before I die. God knows I want to see that before I die. Nan Byrne's son a priest before she dies!"
Her speech mounted to such a pitch of excitement that towards the end it trailed away into a long, frenzied38 scream. It awoke Ned Brennan where he dozed39 fitfully in the next room, and he roared out:
"Ah, what the hell are yous gosthering and croaking40 about in there at this hour of the morning, the two of yous? It'd be serving you a lot better to be down getting me breakfast, Nan Byrne!"
She came away very quietly from the bedside of her son and left the room. John remained for some time thinking over the things she had been saying. Then he rose wearily and went downstairs. It was only now he noticed that his mother had dried his clothes. It must have taken her a good portion of the night to do this. His boots, which had been so wet and muddy after his walk from Kilaconnaghan, were now polished[Pg 186] to resplendence and standing41 clean and dry beside the fire. The full realization42 of these small actions brought a fine feeling of tenderness into his mind.... He quickly prepared himself to leave the house. She observed him with concern as she went about cooking the breakfast for her man.
"You're not going to Mass this morning, are ye, John?"
"Oh, no!" he replied with a nervous quickness. "Our chat delayed me. It is now past nine."
"Ah, dear, sure I never thought while I was talking. The last time I kept you it was the morning after the concert, and even then you were in time for 'half-past eight'.... But sure, anyhow, you're too tired this morning."
"I'm going for a little walk before breakfast."
The words broke in queerly upon the thought she had just expressed, but his reason was nothing more than to avoid his father, who would be presently snapping savagely43 at his breakfast in the kitchen.
The wet road was cheerless and the bare trees and fields were cold and lonely. Everything was in contrast to the mood in which he had known it last summer. It seemed as if he would never know it in that mood again. Now that he had returned it was a poor thing and very small beside the pictures his dream had made.... He was wandering down The Road of the Dead and there was a girl coming towards him. He knew it was Rebecca Kerr, and this meeting did not appear in the least accidental.
She was dressed, as he had not previously44 seen her, in a heavy brown coat, a thick scarf about her throat and[Pg 187] a pretty velvet45 cap which hid most of her hair. Her small feet were well shod in strong boots, and she came radiantly down the wet road. A look of surprise sprang into her eyes when she saw him, and she seemed uncertain of herself as they stopped to speak.
"Back again?" she said, not without some inquisitive46 surprise in her tones.
"Yes, another holiday," he said quickly.
"Well, well, no; but the college has closed down for the period of the war."
"That is a pity."
He laughed a queer, excited little laugh, in which there did not seem to be any mirth or meaning. Then he picked himself up quickly.
"You won't tell anybody?"
"What about?"
"This that I have told you, about the college."
"Oh, dear no!" she replied very quickly, as if amazed and annoyed that he should have asked her to respect this little piece of information as a confidence. And she had not reckoned on meeting him at all. Besides she had not spoken so many words to him since the morning after the concert.
She lifted her head high and went on walking between the muddy puddles48 on the way to the valley school.
John felt somewhat crushed by her abruptness49, especially after what he had told her. And where was the fine resolve with which his mother had hoped to infuse him of acting50 a brave part for her sake before the people of the valley?
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1
somber
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| adj.昏暗的，阴天的，阴森的，忧郁的 | |
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clumps
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| n.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的名词复数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声v.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的第三人称单数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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caverns
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| 大山洞，大洞穴( cavern的名词复数 ) | |
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relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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6
dooms
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| v.注定( doom的第三人称单数 )；判定；使…的失败（或灭亡、毁灭、坏结局）成为必然；宣判 | |
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7
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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8
tormenting
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| 使痛苦的，使苦恼的 | |
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9
offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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10
lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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12
ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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13
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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acolytes
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| n.助手( acolyte的名词复数 )；随从；新手；（天主教）侍祭 | |
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15
bonnets
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| n.童帽( bonnet的名词复数 )；（烟囱等的）覆盖物；（苏格兰男子的）无边呢帽；（女子戴的）任何一种帽子 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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squinting
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| 斜视( squint的现在分词 )； 眯着眼睛； 瞟； 从小孔或缝隙里看 | |
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exultation
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| n.狂喜，得意 | |
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scrambling
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的现在分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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21
intensified
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| v.（使）增强， （使）加剧( intensify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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25
incentive
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| n.刺激；动力；鼓励；诱因；动机 | |
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lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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persecution
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| n. 迫害,烦扰 | |
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speculations
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| n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 )；思考；投机活动；推断 | |
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29
sopping
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| adj. 浑身湿透的 动词sop的现在分词形式 | |
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30
plowed
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| v.耕( plow的过去式和过去分词 )；犁耕；费力穿过 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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yoke
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| n.轭；支配；v.给...上轭，连接，使成配偶 | |
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susceptible
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| adj.过敏的，敏感的；易动感情的，易受感动的 | |
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distractions
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| n.使人分心的事[人]( distraction的名词复数 )；娱乐，消遣；心烦意乱；精神错乱 | |
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35
vexes
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| v.使烦恼( vex的第三人称单数 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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36
bragging
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| v.自夸，吹嘘( brag的现在分词 )；大话 | |
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37
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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38
frenzied
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| a.激怒的；疯狂的 | |
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39
dozed
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| v.打盹儿，打瞌睡( doze的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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40
croaking
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| v.呱呱地叫( croak的现在分词 )；用粗的声音说 | |
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41
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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42
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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43
savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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44
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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45
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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46
inquisitive
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| adj.求知欲强的，好奇的，好寻根究底的 | |
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47
queried
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| v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 )；询问 | |
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48
puddles
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| n.水坑， （尤指道路上的）雨水坑( puddle的名词复数 ) | |
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49
abruptness
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| n. 突然，唐突 | |
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50
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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