Having sold during the first few days every part of my costume without which it was still possible to go about, I passed from the town into the quarter called “Yste,” where were the steamship3 wharves—a quarter which during the navigation season fermented4 with boisterous5, laborious6 life, but now was silent and deserted7, for we were in the last days of October.
Dragging my feet along the moist sand, and obstinately8 scrutinising it with the desire to discover in it any sort of fragment of food, I wandered alone among the deserted buildings and warehouses9, and thought how good it would be to get a full meal.
In our present state of culture hunger of the mind is more quickly satisfied than hunger of the body. You wander about the streets, you are surrounded by buildings not bad-looking from the outside and—you may safely say it—not so badly furnished inside, and the sight of them may excite within you stimulating10 ideas about architecture, hygiene11, and many other wise and high-flying subjects. You may meet warmly and neatly12 dressed folks—all very polite, and turning away from you tactfully, not wishing offensively to notice the lamentable14 fact of your existence. Well, well, the mind of a hungry man is always better nourished and healthier than the mind of the well-fed man; and there you have a situation from which you may draw a very ingenious conclusion in favour of the ill fed.
The evening was approaching, the rain was falling, and the wind blew violently from the north. It whistled in the empty booths and shops, blew into the plastered window-panes of the taverns15, and whipped into foam16 the wavelets of the river which splashed noisily on the sandy shore, casting high their white crests17, racing18 one after another into the dim distance, and leaping impetuously over one another’s shoulders. It seemed as if the river felt the proximity19 of winter, and was running at random20 away from the fetters21 of ice which the north wind might well have flung upon her that very night. The sky was heavy and dark; down from it swept incessantly22 scarcely visible drops of rain, and the melancholy23 elegy24 in nature all around me was emphasised by a couple of battered25 and misshapen willow-trees and a boat, bottom upwards26, that was fastened to their roots.
The overturned canoe with its battered keel and the miserable27 old trees rifled by the cold wind—everything around me was bankrupt, barren, and dead, and the sky flowed with undryable tears... Everything around was waste and gloomy ... it seemed as if everything were dead, leaving me alone among the living, and for me also a cold death waited.
I was then eighteen years old—a good time!
I walked and walked along the cold wet sand, making my chattering28 teeth warble in honour of cold and hunger, when suddenly, as I was carefully searching for something to eat behind one of the empty crates30, I perceived behind it, crouching31 on the ground, a figure in woman’s clothes dank with the rain and clinging fast to her stooping shoulders. Standing32 over her, I watched to see what she was doing. It appeared that she was digging a trench33 in the sand with her hands—digging away under one of the crates.
“Why are you doing that?” I asked, crouching down on my heels quite close to her.
She gave a little scream and was quickly on her legs again. Now that she stood there staring at me, with her wide-open grey eyes full of terror, I perceived that it was a girl of my own age, with a very pleasant face embellished34 unfortunately by three large blue marks. This spoilt her, although these blue marks had been distributed with a remarkable35 sense of proportion, one at a time, and all were of equal size—two under the eyes, and one a little bigger on the forehead just over the bridge of the nose. This symmetry was evidently the work of an artist well inured36 to the business of spoiling the human physiognomy.
The girl looked at me, and the terror in her eyes gradually died out... She shook the sand from her hands, adjusted her cotton head-gear, cowered37 down, and said:
“I suppose you too want something to eat? Dig away then! My hands are tired. Over there”—she nodded her head in the direction of a booth—“there is bread for certain ... and sausages too... That booth is still carrying on business.”
I began to dig. She, after waiting a little and looking at me, sat down beside me and began to help me.
We worked in silence. I cannot say now whether I thought at that moment of the criminal code, of morality, of proprietorship38, and all the other things about which, in the opinion of many experienced persons, one ought to think every moment of one’s life. Wishing to keep as close to the truth as possible, I must confess that apparently39 I was so deeply engaged in digging under the crate29 that I completely forgot about everything else except this one thing: What could be inside that crate?
The evening drew on. The grey, mouldy, cold fog grew thicker and thicker around us. The waves roared with a hollower sound than before, and the rain pattered down on the boards of that crate more loudly and more frequently. Somewhere or other the night-watchman began springing his rattle40.
“Has it got a bottom or not?” softly inquired my assistant. I did not understand what she was talking about, and I kept silence.
“I say, has the crate got a bottom? If it has we shall try in vain to break into it. Here we are digging a trench, and we may, after all, come upon nothing but solid boards. How shall we take them off? Better smash the lock; it is a wretched lock.”
Good ideas rarely visit the heads of women, but, as you see, they do visit them sometimes. I have always valued good ideas, and have always tried to utilise them as far as possible.
Having found the lock, I tugged41 at it and wrenched42 off the whole thing. My accomplice43 immediately stooped down and wriggled44 like a serpent into the gaping-open, four cornered cover of the crate whence she called to me approvingly, in a low tone:
“You’re a brick!”
Nowadays a little crumb45 of praise from a woman is dearer to me than a whole dithyramb from a man, even though he be more eloquent46 than all the ancient and modern orators47 put together. Then, however, I was less amiably48 disposed than I am now, and, paying no attention to the compliment of my comrade, I asked her curtly49 and anxiously:
“Is there anything?”
In a monotonous50 tone she set about calculating our discoveries.
“A basketful of bottles—thick furs—a sunshade—an iron pail.”
All this was uneatable. I felt that my hopes had vanished... But suddenly she exclaimed vivaciously51:
“Aha! here it is!”
“What?”
“Bread ... a loaf ... it’s only wet ... take it!”
A loaf flew to my feet and after it herself, my valiant52 comrade. I had already bitten off a morsel53, stuffed it in my mouth, and was chewing it...
“Come, give me some too!... And we mustn’t stay here... Where shall we go?” she looked inquiringly about on all sides... It was dark, wet, and boisterous.
“Look! there’s an upset canoe yonder ... let us go there.”
“Let us go then!” And off we set, demolishing54 our booty as we went, and filling our mouths with large portions of it... The rain grew more violent, the river roared; from somewhere or other resounded55 a prolonged mocking whistle—just as if Someone great who feared nobody was whistling down all earthly institutions and along with them this horrid56 autumnal wind and us its heroes. This whistling made my heart throb57 painfully, in spite of which I greedily went on eating, and in this respect the girl, walking on my left hand, kept even pace with me.
“What do they call you?” I asked her—why I know not.
I stared at her. My heart ached within me; and then I stared into the mist before me, and it seemed to me as if the inimical countenance59 of my Destiny was smiling at me enigmatically and coldly.
The rain scourged60 the timbers of the skiff incessantly, and its soft patter induced melancholy thoughts, and the wind whistled as it flew down into the boat’s battered bottom through a rift61, where some loose splinters of wood were rattling62 together—a disquieting63 and depressing sound. The waves of the river were splashing on the shore, and sounded so monotonous and hopeless, just as if they were telling something unbearably64 dull and heavy, which was boring them into utter disgust, something from which they wanted to run away and yet were obliged to talk about all the same. The sound of the rain blended with their splashing, and a long-drawn sigh seemed to be floating above the overturned skiff—the endless, labouring sigh of the earth, injured and exhausted65 by the eternal changes from the bright and warm summer to the cold misty66 and damp autumn. The wind blew continually over the desolate67 shore and the foaming68 river—blew and sang its melancholy songs...
Our position beneath the shelter of the skiff was utterly69 devoid70 of comfort; it was narrow and damp, tiny cold drops of rain dribbled71 through the damaged bottom; gusts72 of wind penetrated73 it. We sat in silence and shivered with cold. I remembered that I wanted to go to sleep. Natasha leaned her back against the hull74 of the boat and curled herself up into a tiny ball. Embracing her knees with her hands, and resting her chin upon them, she stared doggedly75 at the river with wide-open eyes; on the pale patch of her face they seemed immense, because of the blue marks below them. She never moved, and this immobility and silence—I felt it—gradually produced within me a terror of my neighbour. I wanted to talk to her, but I knew not how to begin.
“What a cursed thing life is!” she exclaimed plainly, abstractedly, and in a tone of deep conviction.
But this was no complaint. In these words there was too much of indifference77 for a complaint. This simple soul thought according to her understanding—thought and proceeded to form a certain conclusion which she expressed aloud, and which I could not confute for fear of contradicting myself. Therefore I was silent, and she, as if she had not noticed me, continued to sit there immovable.
“Even if we croaked78 ... what then...?” Natasha began again, this time quietly and reflectively, and still there was not one note of complaint in her words. It was plain that this person, in the course of her reflections on life, was regarding her own case, and had arrived at the conviction that in order to preserve herself from the mockeries of life, she was not in a position to do anything else but simply “croak”—to use her own expression.
The clearness of this line of thought was inexpressibly sad and painful to me, and I felt that if I kept silence any longer I was really bound to weep... And it would have been shameful79 to have done this before a woman, especially as she was not weeping herself. I resolved to speak to her.
“Who was it that knocked you about?” I asked. For the moment I could not think of anything more sensible or more delicate.
“Pashka did it all,” she answered in a dull and level tone.
“And who is he?”
“Did he beat you often?”
“Whenever he was drunk he beat me... Often!”
And suddenly, turning towards me, she began to talk about herself, Pashka, and their mutual81 relations. He was a baker with red moustaches and played very well on the banjo. He came to see her and greatly pleased her, for he was a merry chap and wore nice clean clothes. He had a vest which cost fifteen rubles and boots with dress tops. For these reasons she had fallen in love with him, and he became her “creditor82.” And when he became her creditor he made it his business to take away from her the money which her other friends gave to her for bonbons83, and, getting drunk on this money, he would fall to beating her; but that would have been nothing if he hadn’t also begun to “run after” other girls before her very eyes.
“Now, wasn’t that an insult? I am not worse than the others. Of course that meant that he was laughing at me, the blackguard. The day before yesterday I asked leave of my mistress to go out for a bit, went to him, and there I found Dimka sitting beside him drunk. And he, too, was half seas over. I said, ‘You scoundrel, you!’ And he gave me a thorough hiding. He kicked me and dragged me by the hair. But that was nothing to what came after. He spoiled everything I had on—left me just as I am now! How could I appear before my mistress? He spoiled everything ... my dress and my jacket too—it was quite a new one; I gave a fiver for it ... and tore my kerchief from my head... Oh, Lord! What will become of me now?” she suddenly whined84 in a lamentable overstrained voice.
The wind howled, and became ever colder and more boisterous... Again my teeth began to dance up and down, and she, huddled86 up to avoid the cold, pressed as closely to me as she could, so that I could see the gleam of her eyes through the darkness.
“What wretches87 all you men are! I’d burn you all in an oven; I’d cut you in pieces. If any one of you was dying I’d spit in his mouth, and not pity him a bit. Mean skunks88! You wheedle89 and wheedle, you wag your tails like cringing91 dogs, and we fools give ourselves up to you, and it’s all up with us! Immediately you trample92 us underfoot... Miserable loafers”
She cursed us up and down, but there was no vigour93, no malice94, no hatred95 of these “miserable loafers” in her cursing that I could hear. The tone of her language by no means corresponded with its subject-matter, for it was calm enough, and the gamut96 of her voice was terribly poor.
Yet all this made a stronger impression on me than the most eloquent and convincing pessimistic books and speeches, of which I had read a good many and which I still read to this day. And this, you see, was because the agony of a dying person is much more natural and violent than the most minute and picturesque97 descriptions of death.
I felt really wretched—more from cold than from the words of my neighbour. I groaned98 softly and ground my teeth.
Almost at the same moment I felt two little arms about me—one of them touched my neck and the other lay upon my face—and at the same time an anxious, gentle, friendly voice uttered the question:
I was ready to believe that some one else was asking me this and not Natasha, who had just declared that all men were scoundrels, and expressed a wish for their destruction. But she it was, and now she began speaking quickly, hurriedly.
“What ails you, eh? Are you cold? Are you frozen? Ah, what a one you are, sitting there so silent like a little owl85! Why, you should have told me long ago that you were cold. Come ... lie on the ground ... stretch yourself out and I will lie ... there! How’s that? Now put your arms round me?... tighter! How’s that? You shall be warm very soon now... And then we’ll lie back to back... The night will pass so quickly, see if it won’t. I say ... have you too been drinking?... Turned out of your place, eh?... It doesn’t matter.”
And she comforted me... She encouraged me.
May I be thrice accursed! What a world of irony99 was in this single fact for me! Just imagine! Here was I, seriously occupied at this very time with the destiny of humanity, thinking of the re-organisation of the social system, of political revolutions, reading all sorts of devilishly-wise books whose abysmal100 profundity101 was certainly unfathomable by their very authors—at this very time, I say, I was trying with all my might to make of myself “a potent102 active social force.” It even seemed to me that I had partially103 accomplished104 my object; anyhow, at this time, in my ideas about myself, I had got so far as to recognise that I had an exclusive right to exist, that I had the necessary greatness to deserve to live my life, and that I was fully13 competent to play a great historical part therein. And a woman was now warming me with her body, a wretched, battered, hunted creature, who had no place and no value in life, and whom I had never thought of helping105 till she helped me herself, and whom I really would not have known how to help in any way even if the thought of it had occurred to me.
Ah! I was ready to think that all this was happening to me in a dream—in a disagreeable, an oppressive dream.
But, ugh! it was impossible for me to think that, for cold drops of rain were dripping down upon me, the woman was pressing close to me, her warm breath was fanning my face, and—despite a slight odor of vodka—it did me good. The wind howled and raged, the rain smote106 upon the skiff, the waves splashed, and both of us, embracing each other convulsively, nevertheless shivered with cold. All this was only too real, and I am certain that nobody ever dreamed such an oppressive and horrid dream as that reality.
But Natasha was talking all the time of something or other, talking kindly107 and sympathetically, as only women can talk. Beneath the influence of her voice and kindly words a little fire began to burn up within me, and something inside my heart thawed108 in consequence.
Then tears poured from my eyes like a hailstorm, washing away from my heart much that was evil, much that was stupid, much sorrow and dirt which had fastened upon it before that night. Natasha comforted me.
“Come, come, that will do, little one! Don’t take on! That’ll do! God will give you another chance ... you will right yourself and stand in your proper place again ... and it will be all right...”
And she kept kissing me ... many kisses did she give me ... burning kisses ... and all for nothing...
Those were the first kisses from a woman that had ever been bestowed109 upon me, and they were the best kisses too, for all the subsequent kisses cost me frightfully dear, and really gave me nothing at all in exchange.
“Come, don’t take on so, funny one! I’ll manage for you to-morrow if you cannot find a place.” Her quiet persuasive110 whispering sounded in my ears as if it came through a dream...
There we lay till dawn...
And when the dawn came, we crept from behind the skiff and went into the town... Then we took friendly leave of each other and never met again, although for half a year I searched in every hole and corner for that kind Natasha, with whom I spent the autumn night just described.
If she be already dead—and well for her if it were so—may she rest in peace! And if she be alive ... still I say “Peace to her soul!” And may the consciousness of her fall never enter her soul ... for that would be a superfluous111 and fruitless suffering if life is to be lived...
点击收听单词发音
1 inconvenient | |
adj.不方便的,令人感到麻烦的 | |
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2 lodging | |
n.寄宿,住所;(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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3 steamship | |
n.汽船,轮船 | |
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4 fermented | |
v.(使)发酵( ferment的过去式和过去分词 );(使)激动;骚动;骚扰 | |
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5 boisterous | |
adj.喧闹的,欢闹的 | |
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6 laborious | |
adj.吃力的,努力的,不流畅 | |
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7 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
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8 obstinately | |
ad.固执地,顽固地 | |
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9 warehouses | |
仓库,货栈( warehouse的名词复数 ) | |
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10 stimulating | |
adj.有启发性的,能激发人思考的 | |
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11 hygiene | |
n.健康法,卫生学 (a.hygienic) | |
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12 neatly | |
adv.整洁地,干净地,灵巧地,熟练地 | |
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13 fully | |
adv.完全地,全部地,彻底地;充分地 | |
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14 lamentable | |
adj.令人惋惜的,悔恨的 | |
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15 taverns | |
n.小旅馆,客栈,酒馆( tavern的名词复数 ) | |
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16 foam | |
v./n.泡沫,起泡沫 | |
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17 crests | |
v.到达山顶(或浪峰)( crest的第三人称单数 );到达洪峰,达到顶点 | |
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18 racing | |
n.竞赛,赛马;adj.竞赛用的,赛马用的 | |
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19 proximity | |
n.接近,邻近 | |
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20 random | |
adj.随机的;任意的;n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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21 fetters | |
n.脚镣( fetter的名词复数 );束缚v.给…上脚镣,束缚( fetter的第三人称单数 ) | |
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22 incessantly | |
ad.不停地 | |
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23 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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24 elegy | |
n.哀歌,挽歌 | |
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25 battered | |
adj.磨损的;v.连续猛击;磨损 | |
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26 upwards | |
adv.向上,在更高处...以上 | |
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27 miserable | |
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的 | |
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28 chattering | |
n. (机器振动发出的)咔嗒声,(鸟等)鸣,啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的,啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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29 crate | |
vt.(up)把…装入箱中;n.板条箱,装货箱 | |
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30 crates | |
n. 板条箱, 篓子, 旧汽车 vt. 装进纸条箱 | |
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31 crouching | |
v.屈膝,蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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32 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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33 trench | |
n./v.(挖)沟,(挖)战壕 | |
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34 embellished | |
v.美化( embellish的过去式和过去分词 );装饰;修饰;润色 | |
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35 remarkable | |
adj.显著的,异常的,非凡的,值得注意的 | |
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36 inured | |
adj.坚强的,习惯的 | |
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37 cowered | |
v.畏缩,抖缩( cower的过去式 ) | |
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38 proprietorship | |
n.所有(权);所有权 | |
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39 apparently | |
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎 | |
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40 rattle | |
v.飞奔,碰响;激怒;n.碰撞声;拨浪鼓 | |
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41 tugged | |
v.用力拉,使劲拉,猛扯( tug的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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42 wrenched | |
v.(猛力地)扭( wrench的过去式和过去分词 );扭伤;使感到痛苦;使悲痛 | |
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43 accomplice | |
n.从犯,帮凶,同谋 | |
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44 wriggled | |
v.扭动,蠕动,蜿蜒行进( wriggle的过去式和过去分词 );(使身体某一部位)扭动;耍滑不做,逃避(应做的事等) | |
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45 crumb | |
n.饼屑,面包屑,小量 | |
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46 eloquent | |
adj.雄辩的,口才流利的;明白显示出的 | |
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47 orators | |
n.演说者,演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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48 amiably | |
adv.和蔼可亲地,亲切地 | |
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49 curtly | |
adv.简短地 | |
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50 monotonous | |
adj.单调的,一成不变的,使人厌倦的 | |
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51 vivaciously | |
adv.快活地;活泼地;愉快地 | |
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52 valiant | |
adj.勇敢的,英勇的;n.勇士,勇敢的人 | |
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53 morsel | |
n.一口,一点点 | |
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54 demolishing | |
v.摧毁( demolish的现在分词 );推翻;拆毁(尤指大建筑物);吃光 | |
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55 resounded | |
v.(指声音等)回荡于某处( resound的过去式和过去分词 );产生回响;(指某处)回荡着声音 | |
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56 horrid | |
adj.可怕的;令人惊恐的;恐怖的;极讨厌的 | |
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57 throb | |
v.震颤,颤动;(急速强烈地)跳动,搏动 | |
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58 munching | |
v.用力咀嚼(某物),大嚼( munch的现在分词 ) | |
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59 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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60 scourged | |
鞭打( scourge的过去式和过去分词 ); 惩罚,压迫 | |
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61 rift | |
n.裂口,隙缝,切口;v.裂开,割开,渗入 | |
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62 rattling | |
adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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63 disquieting | |
adj.令人不安的,令人不平静的v.使不安,使忧虑,使烦恼( disquiet的现在分词 ) | |
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64 unbearably | |
adv.不能忍受地,无法容忍地;慌 | |
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65 exhausted | |
adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
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66 misty | |
adj.雾蒙蒙的,有雾的 | |
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67 desolate | |
adj.荒凉的,荒芜的;孤独的,凄凉的;v.使荒芜,使孤寂 | |
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68 foaming | |
adj.布满泡沫的;发泡 | |
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69 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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70 devoid | |
adj.全无的,缺乏的 | |
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71 dribbled | |
v.流口水( dribble的过去式和过去分词 );(使液体)滴下或作细流;运球,带球 | |
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72 gusts | |
一阵强风( gust的名词复数 ); (怒、笑等的)爆发; (感情的)迸发; 发作 | |
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73 penetrated | |
adj. 击穿的,鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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74 hull | |
n.船身;(果、实等的)外壳;vt.去(谷物等)壳 | |
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75 doggedly | |
adv.顽强地,固执地 | |
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76 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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77 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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78 croaked | |
v.呱呱地叫( croak的过去式和过去分词 );用粗的声音说 | |
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79 shameful | |
adj.可耻的,不道德的 | |
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80 baker | |
n.面包师 | |
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81 mutual | |
adj.相互的,彼此的;共同的,共有的 | |
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82 creditor | |
n.债仅人,债主,贷方 | |
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83 bonbons | |
n.小糖果( bonbon的名词复数 ) | |
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84 whined | |
v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 );哀诉,诉怨 | |
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85 owl | |
n.猫头鹰,枭 | |
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86 huddled | |
挤在一起(huddle的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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87 wretches | |
n.不幸的人( wretch的名词复数 );可怜的人;恶棍;坏蛋 | |
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88 skunks | |
n.臭鼬( skunk的名词复数 );臭鼬毛皮;卑鄙的人;可恶的人 | |
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89 wheedle | |
v.劝诱,哄骗 | |
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90 ails | |
v.生病( ail的第三人称单数 );感到不舒服;处境困难;境况不佳 | |
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91 cringing | |
adj.谄媚,奉承 | |
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92 trample | |
vt.踩,践踏;无视,伤害,侵犯 | |
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93 vigour | |
(=vigor)n.智力,体力,精力 | |
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94 malice | |
n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋 | |
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95 hatred | |
n.憎恶,憎恨,仇恨 | |
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96 gamut | |
n.全音阶,(一领域的)全部知识 | |
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97 picturesque | |
adj.美丽如画的,(语言)生动的,绘声绘色的 | |
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98 groaned | |
v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 );发牢骚;抱怨;受苦 | |
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99 irony | |
n.反语,冷嘲;具有讽刺意味的事,嘲弄 | |
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100 abysmal | |
adj.无底的,深不可测的,极深的;糟透的,极坏的;完全的 | |
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101 profundity | |
n.渊博;深奥,深刻 | |
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102 potent | |
adj.强有力的,有权势的;有效力的 | |
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103 partially | |
adv.部分地,从某些方面讲 | |
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104 accomplished | |
adj.有才艺的;有造诣的;达到了的 | |
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105 helping | |
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的 | |
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106 smote | |
v.猛打,重击,打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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107 kindly | |
adj.和蔼的,温和的,爽快的;adv.温和地,亲切地 | |
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108 thawed | |
解冻 | |
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109 bestowed | |
赠给,授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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110 persuasive | |
adj.有说服力的,能说得使人相信的 | |
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111 superfluous | |
adj.过多的,过剩的,多余的 | |
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