“I AM perfectly1 at my wits’ ends!”
As Madame Doppeldick said this, she thrust both her fat hands into the pockets of her scarlet2 cotton apron3, at the same time giving her head a gentle shake, as if implying that it was a case in which heads and hands could be of no possible avail. She was standing4 in a little dormitory, exactly equidistant from two beds, between which her eyes and her thoughts had been alternating some ten minutes past. They were small beds,—pallets,—cots,—cribs, troughs upon four legs, such as the old painters represent the manger in their pictures of the Nativity. Our German beds are not intended to carry double, and in such an obscure out-of-the way village as Kleinewinkel, who would think of finding any thing better in the way of a couch than a sort of box just too little for a bed, and just too large for a coffin5? It was between two such bedlings, then, that Madame Doppeldick was standing, when she broke out into the aforesaid exclamation—“I am perfectly at my wits’ ends!”
Now, the wits’ ends of Madame Doppeldick scarcely extended farther from her scull than the horns of a snail6. They seldom protruded7 far beyond her nose, and that was a short one; and moreover they were apt to recede8 and draw in from the first obstacle they encountered, leaving their proprietor9 to feel her own way, as if she had no wits’ ends at all. Thus, having satisfied themselves that there were only two beds in the rooms, they left the poor lady in the lurch10, and absolutely
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at a nonplus11, as to how she was to provide for the accommodation of a third sleeper12, who was expected to arrive the same evening. There was only one best bed-room in the house, and it happened to be the worst bed-room also; all for Gretchen, the maid-servant, went home nightly to sleep at her mother’s. To be sure a shake-down might be spread in the parlour; but to be sure the parlour was also a shop of all sorts; and to be sure the young officer would object to such accommodations; and to be very sure, Mr. Doppeldick would object equally to the shake-down, and giving up the two beds overhead to his wife and the young officer.
“God forgive me,” said the perplexed13 Madame Doppeldick as she went slowly down the stairs;—“but I wish Captain Schenk had been killed at the battle of Leipzig, or had got a bed of glory anywhere else, before he came to be billeted on us!”
“I’LL TAKE A BED WITH YOU.”
CHAPTER II.
IN extenuation14 of so unchristian-like an aspiration15 as the one which escaped from the lips of Madame Doppeldick at the end of the last chapter, it must be remembered that she was a woman
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of great delicacy17 for her size. She was so corpulent, that she might safely have gone to court without a hoop18, her arms were too big for legs; and as for her legs, it passed for a miracle of industry, even amongst the laborious19 hard-working inhabitants of Kleinewinkel, that she knitted her own stockings. It must be confessed, that she ate heartily20, drank heartily, and slept heartily; and all she ate, drank, and slept, seemed to do her good, for she never ceased growing, at least horizontally, till she did ample justice to the name which became her own by marriage. Still, as the bulk of her body increased, the native shrinking, unobtrusive modesty21 of her mind remained the same; or rather it became even more tremulously sensitive. In spite of her huge dimensions, she seemed to entertain the Utopian desire of being seen by no eyes save those of her husband; of passing through life unnoticed and unknown; in short she was a globe-peony with the feelings of a violet. Judge then what a shock her blushing sensibilities received from the mere22 idea of the strange captain intruding23 on the shadiest haunts of domestic privacy! Although by birth, education, and disposition24, as loyal
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as the sunflower to the sun, in the first rash transports of her trepidation25 and vexation she wished anything but well to her liege sovereign the King of Prussia—wondering bitterly why his majesty26 could not contrive27 to have his reviews and sham-fights in Berlin itself; or at least in Posen, where there were spare beds to be had, and lodgings28 to let for single men. Then again, if the Quarter-master had but condescended29 to give a quarter’s notice, why, Mr. Doppeldick might have run up an extra room, or they might have parted off a portion of their own chamber30 with lath and plaster—or they might have done a thousand things; for instance, they might have sold their house and left the country, instead of being thus taken unawares in their own sanctorum by a strange gentleman, as suddenly as if he had tumbled through the roof. “It was too bad—it was really too bad—and she wondered what Mr. Doppeldick would say to it when he came home.”
“I WISH I WAS WELL THROUGH IT.”
CHAPTER III.
MR. DOPPELDICK did come home—and he said nothing to it at all. He only pulled his tobacco-bag out of one coat-pocket, and his tobacco-pipe out of the other, and then he struck a light, and fell to smoking, as complacently31 as if there had been no Captain Schenk in the world. The truth was, he had none of that nervous nicety of feeling, which his partner possessed32 so eminently33, and, accordingly, he took no more interest in her domestic dilemma34, than the walnut-wood chair that he sat upon. Moreover, when he once had in his mouth his favourite pipe, with a portrait of Kant on the bowl of it, he sucked through its tube a sort of Transcendental Philosophy which elevated him above all the ills of human life, to say nothing of such little domestic inconveniences as the present. If the house had been as big as the hotel de Nassau, at Schlangenbad, with as many chambers35 and
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spare beds in it—or a barrack, with quarters for the captain and his company to boot—he could not have puffed36 on more contentedly37. The very talk about beds and bedding appeared to lull38 him into a sort of sleep with his eyes open; and even when the voice and words of his helpmate grew a little sharp and querulous in detailing all her doubts, and difficulties, and disagreeables, they could not raise even a ripple39 in the calm placid40 expanse of his forehead. How should they? His equable German good humour might well be invulnerable to all outward attacks, which had so long withstood every internal one,—ay, in Temper’s very citadel41, the stomach. For instance, the better part of his daily diet was of sours. He ate “sauer-kraut,” and “sauer-braten,” with sour sauce and “sauer-ampfer” by way of salad, and pickled plums by way of dessert, and “sauer-milch” with sourish brown bread—and then, to wash these down, he
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drank sourish “Essigberger” wine, and “sauer-wasser,” of which the village of Kleinewinkel had its own peculiar42 brunnen. Still, I say, by all these sours, and many others not mentioned besides, his temper was never soured—nor could they turn one drop of the milk of human kindness that flowed in his bosom43. Instead, therefore, of his round features being ever rumpled44 and crumpled45, and furrowed46 up by the plough-share of passion, you never saw any thing on his face but the same everlasting48 sub-smile of phlegmatic49 philanthropy. In spite of the stream of complaint that kept pouring into his ear, he forgave Captain Schenk from the bottom of his soul for being billeted on him; and entertained no more spleen towards the King of Prussia and the Quarter-master, than he did towards the gnat50 that bit him last year. At length, his pipe wanting replenishing, he dropped a few comfortable words to his wife, meanwhile he refilled the bowl, and brought the engine again into play:—
“WE ALL SMOKE IN GERMANY.”
“THE LAST IN BED TO PUT OUT THE LIGHT.”
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“As for undressing, Malchen—before the strange man—puff—why can’t we go to bed,—puff—before he does,—puff—puff and so put an end to the matter—puff—puff—puff!”
“As I live upon damsons and bullases!” (for it was the plum season,) exclaimed Madame Doppeldick, clapping her fat hands with delight, “I never thought of that! Gretchen, my lass, get the supper ready immediately, for your good master is mortal hungry, and so am I!—and then, my own Dietrich dear, we’ll bundle off to bed as fast as we can!”
CHAPTER IV.
TRAVELLERS SEEING THE “LIONS.”
THE best of plots may come to the worst of ends. It was no fault, however, of Gretchen’s; for being in a hurry of her own to meet Ludwig Liedeback, she clapped the supper upon the table in no time at all. The transcendental pipe, with the head of Kant upon it, instantly found itself deposited in a by
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corner; for Mr. Doppeldick, like his better half, was a person of substance, keeping a good running account with Messer and Gabel. Besides, amongst other delicacies51, the board actually displayed those rarest of all inland rarities, oysters52,—a bag of which the warm-hearted Adam Kloot had sent, by way of a token of remembrance, to his old friend Dietrich; forgetting utterly54 that it was full a hundred leagues from the nearest high water-mark of the sea to the village of Kleinewinkel. Of course they came like other travellers, with their mouths wide agape, to see the wonders of the place,—but, then, so much the easier they were to open; and as the worthy55 couple did not contemplate56 any such superfluous57 nicety as shaving them before they swallowed them, there was a fair chance that the delicious morsels58 would all be devoured59 before the inauspicious arrival of Captain Schenk. Some such speculation60 seemed to glimmer61 in the eyes of both Mr. and Mrs. Doppeldick—when, lo! just as the sixth dead oyster53 had been body-snatched out of its shell, and was being flavoured up with lemon and vinegar, the door opened, and in walked a blue cap with a red band, a pair of mustachios, and a grey cloak without any arms in its sleeves. Had Madame Doppeldick held any thing but an oyster in her mouth at that moment it would infallibly have choked her, the flutter of her heart in her throat was so violent.
“Holy Virgin62!—Captain Schenk!”
“At your service, Madame,” answered a voice through the mustachios.
“You are welcome, Captain!” said the worthy master of the house, at the same time rising, and placing a chair for his guest at that side of the table which was farthest from the oysters. The officer, without any ceremony, threw himself into the seat, and then, resting his elbows upon the table, and his cheeks between his palms, he fixed63 his dark eyes on the blushing face of Madame Doppeldick in a long and steady stare. It is true that
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he was only mentally reviewing the review; or, possibly, calculating the chances he had made in favour of an application he had lately forwarded to Berlin, to be exchanged into the Royal Guards; but the circumstance sufficed to set every nerve of Madame Doppeldick a-vibrating, and in two minutes from his arrival, she had made up her mind that he was a very bold, forward, and presuming young man.
“O HAM—WHAT A FALLING OFF WAS THERE.”
It is astonishing, when we have once conceived a prejudice, how rapidly it grows, and how plentifully64 it finds nutriment! Like the sea polypus, it extends its thousand feelers on every side, for anything they can lay hold of, and the smallest particle afloat in the ocean of conjecture65 cannot escape from the tenacity66 of their grasp. So it was with Madame Doppeldick. From mistrusting the captain’s eyes, she came to suspect his nose, his mustachios, his mouth, his chin, and even the slight furrow47 of a
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sabre cut that scarred his forehead just over the left eyebrow67. She felt morally sure that he had received it in no battle-field, but in some scandalous duel68. Luckily she had never seen Mozart’s celebrated69 opera, or she would inevitably70 have set down Captain Schenk as its libertine71 masquerading hero, Don Giovanni himself!
“A PIPING BULLFINCH.”
“You will be sharp-set for supper, Captain,” said the hospitable72 host, pushing towards his guest a dish of lean home-made bacon; but the Captain took no more notice of the invitation than if he had been stunned73 stone-deaf by the artillery74 at the sham-fight in the morning. Possibly he did not like bacon, or, at any rate, such bacon as was set before him; for to put the naked Truth on her bare oath, the Kleinewinkel pigs always looked as if they got their living, like cockroaches75, by creeping through cracks. However, he never changed his posture76, but kept his dark intolerable eyes still fixed on his hostess’s full and flushed face. He might just as well have stared,—if he must stare—at the shelves-full of old family china (some of it elaborately mended and riveted) in the corner cupboard, the door of
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which she had left open on purpose; but he had, apparently77, no such considerate respect for female modesty.
“Saint Ursula and the Eleven Thousand be near us!” said the disquieted78 Madame Doppeldick to herself. “It is hard enough for people of our years and bulk to be obliged to lie double;—but to have a strange, wild, rakish, staring young fellow in the same chamber—I do wish that Dietrich would make more haste with his supper, that we may get into bed first!”
CHAPTER V.
HONEST Dietrich was in no such hurry. A rational, moral, pious79 man, with a due grateful sense of the sapidity of certain gifts of the Creator, ought not to swallow them with the post-haste indifference80 of a sow swilling81 her wash; and as Dietrich Doppeldick did not taste oysters once in ten years, it was a sort of religious obligation, as well as a positive secular82 temptation, that the relish83 of each particular fish should be prolonged as far as possible on the palate by an orderly, decorous, and deliberate deglutition. Accordingly, instead of bolting the oysters as if he had been swallowing them for a wager84, he sate85 soberly, with his eyes fixed on the two plumpest, as if only awaiting the “good-night” of his guest to do ample and Christian-like justice to the edible86 forget-me-nots of his good friend Adam Kloot. In vain his wife looked hard at him, and trod on his toes as long as she could reach them, besides being seized with a short hectic87 cough that was any thing but constitutional—
“Lord, help me!” said Mrs. Doppeldick in her soul, too fluttered to attend to the correctness of her metaphors—
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“It’s as easy to catch the eye of a post!—He minds me no more than if I trod on the toes of a stock-fish! I might as well cough into the ears of a stone wall.”
In fact, honest Dietrich had totally forgotten the domestic dilemma.
“KISSING GOES BY FAVOUR.”
“He will never take his eyes off,” thought Madame Doppeldick, stealing a glance across the table; “I was never so stared at, never since I was a girl and wore pigtails! I expect every moment he will jump and embrace me.” Whereas nothing could be further from the Captain’s thought. The second battalion88 had joined that very morning, and accordingly he had kissed, or been kissed by, all its eight-and-twenty officers, tall or short, fat or lean, fair or swarthy,—which was quite kissing enough for a reasonable day’s ration16. The truth is, he was staring at himself. He had just, mentally, put on a new uniform, and was looking with the back of his eyes at his own brilliant figure, as a Captain in the Royal Guards. It was, however, a stare, outwardly, at Madame Doppeldick, who took
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everything to herself, frogs, lace, bullion89, buttons, cuffs90, collars, epaulettes, and the Deuce knows what besides.
“I would to Heaven!” she wished, “he had never thought of going into the army,—or at least that the Quarter-master had never taken it into his stupid head to quarter him on us. Young gay Captains are very well to flirt91 with, or to waltz with, but at my years and bulk waltzing is quite out of the question!”
WALTZING TO A NEW AIR.
CHAPTER VI.
AT last Captain Schenk changed his posture, and averted92 his familiar eyes from the face of Madame Doppeldick; but it was only to give her a fresh alarm with his free-and-easy mouth. First of all he clenched93 his fists—then he raised his arms at full stretch
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above his head, as if he wanted to be crucified, and then turning his face upwards94 towards the ceiling, with his eyes shut, and his jaws95 open—he yawned such a yawn, as panther never yawned after prowling all day without prey96, in a ten-foot cage—
“Auw-yauw-au-ya-augh-auwayawauwghf!”
点击收听单词发音
1 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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2 scarlet | |
n.深红色,绯红色,红衣;adj.绯红色的 | |
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3 apron | |
n.围裙;工作裙 | |
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4 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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5 coffin | |
n.棺材,灵柩 | |
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6 snail | |
n.蜗牛 | |
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7 protruded | |
v.(使某物)伸出,(使某物)突出( protrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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8 recede | |
vi.退(去),渐渐远去;向后倾斜,缩进 | |
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9 proprietor | |
n.所有人;业主;经营者 | |
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10 lurch | |
n.突然向前或旁边倒;v.蹒跚而行 | |
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11 nonplus | |
v.使困窘;使狼狈 | |
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12 sleeper | |
n.睡眠者,卧车,卧铺 | |
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13 perplexed | |
adj.不知所措的 | |
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14 extenuation | |
n.减轻罪孽的借口;酌情减轻;细 | |
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15 aspiration | |
n.志向,志趣抱负;渴望;(语)送气音;吸出 | |
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16 ration | |
n.定量(pl.)给养,口粮;vt.定量供应 | |
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17 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
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18 hoop | |
n.(篮球)篮圈,篮 | |
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19 laborious | |
adj.吃力的,努力的,不流畅 | |
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20 heartily | |
adv.衷心地,诚恳地,十分,很 | |
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21 modesty | |
n.谦逊,虚心,端庄,稳重,羞怯,朴素 | |
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22 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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23 intruding | |
v.侵入,侵扰,打扰( intrude的现在分词);把…强加于 | |
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24 disposition | |
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署 | |
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25 trepidation | |
n.惊恐,惶恐 | |
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26 majesty | |
n.雄伟,壮丽,庄严,威严;最高权威,王权 | |
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27 contrive | |
vt.谋划,策划;设法做到;设计,想出 | |
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28 lodgings | |
n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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29 condescended | |
屈尊,俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 ); 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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30 chamber | |
n.房间,寝室;会议厅;议院;会所 | |
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31 complacently | |
adv. 满足地, 自满地, 沾沾自喜地 | |
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32 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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33 eminently | |
adv.突出地;显著地;不寻常地 | |
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34 dilemma | |
n.困境,进退两难的局面 | |
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35 chambers | |
n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
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36 puffed | |
adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 );喷着汽(或烟)移动;吹嘘;吹捧 | |
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37 contentedly | |
adv.心满意足地 | |
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38 lull | |
v.使安静,使入睡,缓和,哄骗;n.暂停,间歇 | |
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39 ripple | |
n.涟波,涟漪,波纹,粗钢梳;vt.使...起涟漪,使起波纹; vi.呈波浪状,起伏前进 | |
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40 placid | |
adj.安静的,平和的 | |
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41 citadel | |
n.城堡;堡垒;避难所 | |
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42 peculiar | |
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的 | |
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43 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
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44 rumpled | |
v.弄皱,使凌乱( rumple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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45 crumpled | |
adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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46 furrowed | |
v.犁田,开沟( furrow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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47 furrow | |
n.沟;垄沟;轨迹;车辙;皱纹 | |
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48 everlasting | |
adj.永恒的,持久的,无止境的 | |
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49 phlegmatic | |
adj.冷静的,冷淡的,冷漠的,无活力的 | |
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50 gnat | |
v.对小事斤斤计较,琐事 | |
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51 delicacies | |
n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 );精致;精美的食物;周到 | |
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52 oysters | |
牡蛎( oyster的名词复数 ) | |
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53 oyster | |
n.牡蛎;沉默寡言的人 | |
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54 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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55 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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56 contemplate | |
vt.盘算,计议;周密考虑;注视,凝视 | |
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57 superfluous | |
adj.过多的,过剩的,多余的 | |
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58 morsels | |
n.一口( morsel的名词复数 );(尤指食物)小块,碎屑 | |
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59 devoured | |
吞没( devour的过去式和过去分词 ); 耗尽; 津津有味地看; 狼吞虎咽地吃光 | |
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60 speculation | |
n.思索,沉思;猜测;投机 | |
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61 glimmer | |
v.发出闪烁的微光;n.微光,微弱的闪光 | |
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62 virgin | |
n.处女,未婚女子;adj.未经使用的;未经开发的 | |
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63 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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64 plentifully | |
adv. 许多地,丰饶地 | |
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65 conjecture | |
n./v.推测,猜测 | |
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66 tenacity | |
n.坚韧 | |
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67 eyebrow | |
n.眉毛,眉 | |
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68 duel | |
n./v.决斗;(双方的)斗争 | |
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69 celebrated | |
adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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70 inevitably | |
adv.不可避免地;必然发生地 | |
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71 libertine | |
n.淫荡者;adj.放荡的,自由思想的 | |
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72 hospitable | |
adj.好客的;宽容的;有利的,适宜的 | |
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73 stunned | |
adj. 震惊的,惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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74 artillery | |
n.(军)火炮,大炮;炮兵(部队) | |
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75 cockroaches | |
n.蟑螂( cockroach的名词复数 ) | |
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76 posture | |
n.姿势,姿态,心态,态度;v.作出某种姿势 | |
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77 apparently | |
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎 | |
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78 disquieted | |
v.使不安,使忧虑,使烦恼( disquiet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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79 pious | |
adj.虔诚的;道貌岸然的 | |
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80 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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81 swilling | |
v.冲洗( swill的现在分词 );猛喝;大口喝;(使)液体流动 | |
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82 secular | |
n.牧师,凡人;adj.世俗的,现世的,不朽的 | |
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83 relish | |
n.滋味,享受,爱好,调味品;vt.加调味料,享受,品味;vi.有滋味 | |
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84 wager | |
n.赌注;vt.押注,打赌 | |
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85 sate | |
v.使充分满足 | |
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86 edible | |
n.食品,食物;adj.可食用的 | |
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87 hectic | |
adj.肺病的;消耗热的;发热的;闹哄哄的 | |
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88 battalion | |
n.营;部队;大队(的人) | |
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89 bullion | |
n.金条,银条 | |
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90 cuffs | |
n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打,拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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91 flirt | |
v.调情,挑逗,调戏;n.调情者,卖俏者 | |
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92 averted | |
防止,避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 ); 转移 | |
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93 clenched | |
v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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94 upwards | |
adv.向上,在更高处...以上 | |
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95 jaws | |
n.口部;嘴 | |
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96 prey | |
n.被掠食者,牺牲者,掠食;v.捕食,掠夺,折磨 | |
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