Thus happily acquainted with his own merit and importance, Mr Podsnap settled that whatever he put behind him he put out of existence. There was a dignified2 conclusiveness3 — not to add a grand convenience — in this way of getting rid of disagreeables which had done much towards establishing Mr Podsnap in his lofty place in Mr Podsnap’s satisfaction. ‘I don’t want to know about it; I don’t choose to discuss it; I don’t admit it!’ Mr Podsnap had even acquired a peculiar4 flourish of his right arm in often clearing the world of its most difficult problems, by sweeping5 them behind him (and consequently sheer away) with those words and a flushed face. For they affronted7 him.
Mr Podsnap’s world was not a very large world, morally; no, nor even geographically8: seeing that although his business was sustained upon commerce with other countries, he considered other countries, with that important reservation, a mistake, and of their manners and customs would conclusively9 observe, ‘Not English!’ when, PRESTO10! with a flourish of the arm, and a flush of the face, they were swept away. Elsewhere, the world got up at eight, shaved close at a quarter-past, breakfasted at nine, went to the City at ten, came home at half-past five, and dined at seven. Mr Podsnap’s notions of the Arts in their integrity might have been stated thus. Literature; large print, respectfully descriptive of getting up at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfasting at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at half-past five, and dining at seven. Painting and Sculpture; models and portraits representing Professors of getting up at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfasting at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at half-past five, and dining at seven. Music; a respectable performance (without variations) on stringed and wind instruments, sedately11 expressive12 of getting up at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfasting at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at half-past five, and dining at seven. Nothing else to be permitted to those same vagrants13 the Arts, on pain of excommunication. Nothing else To Be — anywhere!
As a so eminently14 respectable man, Mr Podsnap was sensible of its being required of him to take Providence15 under his protection. Consequently he always knew exactly what Providence meant. Inferior and less respectable men might fall short of that mark, but Mr Podsnap was always up to it. And it was very remarkable16 (and must have been very comfortable) that what Providence meant, was invariably what Mr Podsnap meant.
These may be said to have been the articles of a faith and school which the present chapter takes the liberty of calling, after its representative man, Podsnappery. They were confined within close bounds, as Mr Podsnap’s own head was confined by his shirtcollar; and they were enunciated17 with a sounding pomp that smacked18 of the creaking of Mr Podsnap’s own boots.
There was a Miss Podsnap. And this young rocking-horse was being trained in her mother’s art of prancing19 in a stately manner without ever getting on. But the high parental20 action was not yet imparted to her, and in truth she was but an undersized damsel, with high shoulders, low spirits, chilled elbows, and a rasped surface of nose, who seemed to take occasional frosty peeps out of childhood into womanhood, and to shrink back again, overcome by her mother’s head-dress and her father from head to foot — crushed by the mere21 dead-weight of Podsnappery.
A certain institution in Mr Podsnap’s mind which he called ‘the young person’ may be considered to have been embodied22 in Miss Podsnap, his daughter. It was an inconvenient23 and exacting24 institution, as requiring everything in the universe to be filed down and fitted to it. The question about everything was, would it bring a blush into the cheek of the young person? And the inconvenience of the young person was, that, according to Mr Podsnap, she seemed always liable to burst into blushes when there was no need at all. There appeared to be no line of demarcation between the young person’s excessive innocence25, and another person’s guiltiest knowledge. Take Mr Podsnap’s word for it, and the soberest tints26 of drab, white, lilac, and grey, were all flaming red to this troublesome Bull of a young person.
The Podsnaps lived in a shady angle adjoining Portman Square. They were a kind of people certain to dwell in the shade, wherever they dwelt. Miss Podsnap’s life had been, from her first appearance on this planet, altogether of a shady order; for, Mr Podsnap’s young person was likely to get little good out of association with other young persons, and had therefore been restricted to companionship with not very congenial older persons, and with massive furniture. Miss Podsnap’s early views of life being principally derived27 from the reflections of it in her father’s boots, and in the walnut28 and rosewood tables of the dim drawingrooms, and in their swarthy giants of looking-glasses, were of a sombre cast; and it was not wonderful that now, when she was on most days solemnly tooled through the Park by the side of her mother in a great tall custard-coloured phaeton, she showed above the apron29 of that vehicle like a dejected young person sitting up in bed to take a startled look at things in general, and very strongly desiring to get her head under the counterpane again.
Said Mr Podsnap to Mrs Podsnap, ‘Georgiana is almost eighteen.’
Said Mrs Podsnap to Mr Podsnap, assenting30, ‘Almost eighteen.’
Said Mr Podsnap then to Mrs Podsnap, ‘Really I think we should have some people on Georgiana’s birthday.’
Said Mrs Podsnap then to Mr Podsnap, ‘Which will enable us to clear off all those people who are due.’
So it came to pass that Mr and Mrs Podsnap requested the honour of the company of seventeen friends of their souls at dinner; and that they substituted other friends of their souls for such of the seventeen original friends of their souls as deeply regretted that a prior engagement prevented their having the honour of dining with Mr and Mrs Podsnap, in pursuance of their kind invitation; and that Mrs Podsnap said of all these inconsolable personages, as she checked them off with a pencil in her list, ‘Asked, at any rate, and got rid of;’ and that they successfully disposed of a good many friends of their souls in this way, and felt their consciences much lightened.
There were still other friends of their souls who were not entitled to be asked to dinner, but had a claim to be invited to come and take a haunch of mutton vapour-bath at half-past nine. For the clearing off of these worthies31, Mrs Podsnap added a small and early evening to the dinner, and looked in at the music-shop to bespeak32 a well-conducted automaton33 to come and play quadrilles for a carpet dance.
Mr and Mrs Veneering, and Mr and Mrs Veneering’s bran-new bride and bridegroom, were of the dinner company; but the Podsnap establishment had nothing else in common with the Veneerings. Mr Podsnap could tolerate taste in a mushroom man who stood in need of that sort of thing, but was far above it himself. Hideous34 solidity was the characteristic of the Podsnap plate. Everything was made to look as heavy as it could, and to take up as much room as possible. Everything said boastfully, ‘Here you have as much of me in my ugliness as if I were only lead; but I am so many ounces of precious metal worth so much an ounce; — wouldn’t you like to melt me down?’ A corpulent straddling epergne, blotched all over as if it had broken out in an eruption35 rather than been ornamented36, delivered this address from an unsightly silver platform in the centre of the table. Four silver wine-coolers, each furnished with four staring heads, each head obtrusively37 carrying a big silver ring in each of its ears, conveyed the sentiment up and down the table, and handed it on to the potbellied silver salt-cellars. All the big silver spoons and forks widened the mouths of the company expressly for the purpose of thrusting the sentiment down their throats with every morsel38 they ate.
The majority of the guests were like the plate, and included several heavy articles weighing ever so much. But there was a foreign gentleman among them: whom Mr Podsnap had invited after much debate with himself — believing the whole European continent to be in mortal alliance against the young person — and there was a droll39 disposition40, not only on the part of Mr Podsnap but of everybody else, to treat him as if he were a child who was hard of hearing.
As a delicate concession41 to this unfortunately-born foreigner, Mr Podsnap, in receiving him, had presented his wife as ‘Madame Podsnap;’ also his daughter as ‘Mademoiselle Podsnap,’ with some inclination42 to add ‘ma fille,’ in which bold venture, however, he checked himself. The Veneerings being at that time the only other arrivals, he had added (in a condescendingly explanatory manner), ‘Monsieur Vey-nair-reeng,’ and had then subsided44 into English.
‘How Do You Like London?’ Mr Podsnap now inquired from his station of host, as if he were administering something in the nature of a powder or potion to the deaf child; ‘London, Londres, London?’
The foreign gentleman admired it.
‘You find it Very Large?’ said Mr Podsnap, spaciously45.
The foreign gentleman found it very large.
‘And Very Rich?’
The foreign gentleman found it, without doubt, enormement riche.
‘Enormously Rich, We say,’ returned Mr Podsnap, in a condescending43 manner. ‘Our English adverbs do Not terminate in Mong, and We Pronounce the “ch” as if there were a “t” before it. We say Ritch.’
‘Reetch,’ remarked the foreign gentleman.
‘And Do You Find, Sir,’ pursued Mr Podsnap, with dignity, ‘Many Evidences that Strike You, of our British Constitution in the Streets Of The World’s Metropolis46, London, Londres, London?’
The foreign gentleman begged to be pardoned, but did not altogether understand.
‘The Constitution Britannique,’ Mr Podsnap explained, as if he were teaching in an infant school.’ We Say British, But You Say Britannique, You Know’ (forgivingly, as if that were not his fault). ‘The Constitution, Sir.’
The foreign gentleman said, ‘Mais, yees; I know eem.’
A youngish sallowish gentleman in spectacles, with a lumpy forehead, seated in a supplementary47 chair at a corner of the table, here caused a profound sensation by saying, in a raised voice, ‘ESKER,’ and then stopping dead.
‘Mais oui,’ said the foreign gentleman, turning towards him. ‘Est-ce que? Quoi donc?’
But the gentleman with the lumpy forehead having for the time delivered himself of all that he found behind his lumps, spake for the time no more.
‘I Was Inquiring,’ said Mr Podsnap, resuming the thread of his discourse48, ‘Whether You Have Observed in our Streets as We should say, Upon our Pavvy as You would say, any Tokens —’
The foreign gentleman, with patient courtesy entreated49 pardon; ‘But what was tokenz?’
‘Marks,’ said Mr Podsnap; ‘Signs, you know, Appearances — Traces.’
‘Ah! Of a Orse?’ inquired the foreign gentleman.
‘We call it Horse,’ said Mr Podsnap, with forbearance. ‘In England, Angleterre, England, We Aspirate the “H,” and We Say “Horse.” Only our Lower Classes Say “Orse!”’
‘Pardon,’ said the foreign gentleman; ‘I am alwiz wrong!’
‘Our Language,’ said Mr Podsnap, with a gracious consciousness of being always right, ‘is Difficult. Ours is a Copious50 Language, and Trying to Strangers. I will not Pursue my Question.’
But the lumpy gentleman, unwilling52 to give it up, again madly said, ‘ESKER,’ and again spake no more.
‘It merely referred,’ Mr Podsnap explained, with a sense of meritorious53 proprietorship55, ‘to Our Constitution, Sir. We Englishmen are Very Proud of our Constitution, Sir. It Was Bestowed56 Upon Us By Providence. No Other Country is so Favoured as This Country.’
‘And ozer countries? —’ the foreign gentleman was beginning, when Mr Podsnap put him right again.
‘We do not say Ozer; we say Other: the letters are “T” and “H;” You say Tay and Aish, You Know; (still with clemency). The sound is “th”—”th!”’
‘And OTHER countries,’ said the foreign gentleman. ‘They do how?’
‘They do, Sir,’ returned Mr Podsnap, gravely shaking his head; ‘they do — I am sorry to be obliged to say it — AS they do.’
‘It was a little particular of Providence,’ said the foreign gentleman, laughing; ‘for the frontier is not large.’
‘Undoubtedly,’ assented57 Mr Podsnap; ‘But So it is. It was the Charter of the Land. This Island was Blest, Sir, to the Direct Exclusion58 of such Other Countries as — as there may happen to be. And if we were all Englishmen present, I would say,’ added Mr Podsnap, looking round upon his compatriots, and sounding solemnly with his theme, ‘that there is in the Englishman a combination of qualities, a modesty59, an independence, a responsibility, a repose60, combined with an absence of everything calculated to call a blush into the cheek of a young person, which one would seek in vain among the Nations of the Earth.’
Having delivered this little summary, Mr Podsnap’s face flushed, as he thought of the remote possibility of its being at all qualified61 by any prejudiced citizen of any other country; and, with his favourite right-arm flourish, he put the rest of Europe and the whole of Asia, Africa, and America nowhere.
The audience were much edified62 by this passage of words; and Mr Podsnap, feeling that he was in rather remarkable force to-day, became smiling and conversational63.
‘Has anything more been heard, Veneering,’ he inquired, ‘of the lucky legatee?’
‘Nothing more,’ returned Veneering, ‘than that he has come into possession of the property. I am told people now call him The Golden Dustman. I mentioned to you some time ago, I think, that the young lady whose intended husband was murdered is daughter to a clerk of mine?’
‘Yes, you told me that,’ said Podsnap; ‘and by-the-bye, I wish you would tell it again here, for it’s a curious coincidence — curious that the first news of the discovery should have been brought straight to your table (when I was there), and curious that one of your people should have been so nearly interested in it. Just relate that, will you?’
Veneering was more than ready to do it, for he had prospered64 exceedingly upon the Harmon Murder, and had turned the social distinction it conferred upon him to the account of making several dozen of bran-new bosom-friends. Indeed, such another lucky hit would almost have set him up in that way to his satisfaction. So, addressing himself to the most desirable of his neighbours, while Mrs Veneering secured the next most desirable, he plunged65 into the case, and emerged from it twenty minutes afterwards with a Bank Director in his arms. In the mean time, Mrs Veneering had dived into the same waters for a wealthy Ship-Broker, and had brought him up, safe and sound, by the hair. Then Mrs Veneering had to relate, to a larger circle, how she had been to see the girl, and how she was really pretty, and (considering her station) presentable. And this she did with such a successful display of her eight aquiline66 fingers and their encircling jewels, that she happily laid hold of a drifting General Officer, his wife and daughter, and not only restored their animation67 which had become suspended, but made them lively friends within an hour.
Although Mr Podsnap would in a general way have highly disapproved68 of Bodies in rivers as ineligible69 topics with reference to the cheek of the young person, he had, as one may say, a share in this affair which made him a part proprietor54. As its returns were immediate70, too, in the way of restraining the company from speechless contemplation of the wine-coolers, it paid, and he was satisfied.
And now the haunch of mutton vapour-bath having received a gamey infusion71, and a few last touches of sweets and coffee, was quite ready, and the bathers came; but not before the discreet72 automaton had got behind the bars of the piano music-desk, and there presented the appearance of a captive languishing73 in a rosewood jail. And who now so pleasant or so well assorted74 as Mr and Mrs Alfred Lammle, he all sparkle, she all gracious contentment, both at occasional intervals75 exchanging looks like partners at cards who played a game against All England.
There was not much youth among the bathers, but there was no youth (the young person always excepted) in the articles of Podsnappery. Bald bathers folded their arms and talked to Mr Podsnap on the hearthrug; sleek-whiskered bathers, with hats in their hands, lunged at Mrs Podsnap and retreated; prowling bathers, went about looking into ornamental76 boxes and bowls as if they had suspicions of larceny77 on the part of the Podsnaps, and expected to find something they had lost at the bottom; bathers of the gentler sex sat silently comparing ivory shoulders. All this time and always, poor little Miss Podsnap, whose tiny efforts (if she had made any) were swallowed up in the magnificence of her mother’s rocking, kept herself as much out of sight and mind as she could, and appeared to be counting on many dismal78 returns of the day. It was somehow understood, as a secret article in the state proprieties79 of Podsnappery that nothing must be said about the day. Consequently this young damsel’s nativity was hushed up and looked over, as if it were agreed on all hands that it would have been better that she had never been born.
The Lammles were so fond of the dear Veneerings that they could not for some time detach themselves from those excellent friends; but at length, either a very open smile on Mr Lammle’s part, or a very secret elevation80 of one of his gingerous eyebrows81 — certainly the one or the other — seemed to say to Mrs Lammle, ‘Why don’t you play?’ And so, looking about her, she saw Miss Podsnap, and seeming to say responsively, ‘That card?’ and to be answered, ‘Yes,’ went and sat beside Miss Podsnap.
Mrs Lammle was overjoyed to escape into a corner for a little quiet talk.
It promised to be a very quiet talk, for Miss Podsnap replied in a flutter, ‘Oh! Indeed, it’s very kind of you, but I am afraid I DON’T talk.’
‘Let us make a beginning,’ said the insinuating82 Mrs Lammle, with her best smile.
‘Oh! I am afraid you’ll find me very dull. But Ma talks!’
That was plainly to be seen, for Ma was talking then at her usual canter, with arched head and mane, opened eyes and nostrils83.
‘Fond of reading perhaps?’
‘Yes. At least I— don’t mind that so much,’ returned Miss Podsnap.
‘M-m-m-m-music. So insinuating was Mrs Lammle that she got half a dozen ms into the word before she got it out.
‘I haven’t nerve to play even if I could. Ma plays.’
(At exactly the same canter, and with a certain flourishing appearance of doing something, Ma did, in fact, occasionally take a rock upon the instrument.)
‘Of course you like dancing?’
‘Oh no, I don’t,’ said Miss Podsnap.
‘No? With your youth and attractions? Truly, my dear, you surprise me!’
‘I can’t say,’ observed Miss Podsnap, after hesitating considerably84, and stealing several timid looks at Mrs Lammle’s carefully arranged face, ‘how I might have liked it if I had been a — you won’t mention it, WILL you?’
‘My dear! Never!’
‘No, I am sure you won’t. I can’t say then how I should have liked it, if I had been a chimney-sweep on May-day.’
‘Gracious!’ was the exclamation85 which amazement86 elicited87 from Mrs Lammle.
‘There! I knew you’d wonder. But you won’t mention it, will you?’
‘Upon my word, my love,’ said Mrs Lammle, ‘you make me ten times more desirous, now I talk to you, to know you well than I was when I sat over yonder looking at you. How I wish we could be real friends! Try me as a real friend. Come! Don’t fancy me a frumpy old married woman, my dear; I was married but the other day, you know; I am dressed as a bride now, you see. About the chimney-sweeps?’
‘Hush! Ma’ll hear.’
‘She can’t hear from where she sits.’
‘Don’t you be too sure of that,’ said Miss Podsnap, in a lower voice. ‘Well, what I mean is, that they seem to enjoy it.’
‘And that perhaps you would have enjoyed it, if you had been one of them?’
Miss Podsnap nodded significantly.
‘Then you don’t enjoy it now?’
‘How is it possible?’ said Miss Podsnap. ‘Oh it is such a dreadful thing! If I was wicked enough — and strong enough — to kill anybody, it should be my partner.’
This was such an entirely89 new view of the Terpsichorean90 art as socially practised, that Mrs Lammle looked at her young friend in some astonishment91. Her young friend sat nervously92 twiddling her fingers in a pinioned93 attitude, as if she were trying to hide her elbows. But this latter Utopian object (in short sleeves) always appeared to be the great inoffensive aim of her existence.
‘It sounds horrid94, don’t it?’ said Miss Podsnap, with a penitential face.
Mrs Lammle, not very well knowing what to answer, resolved herself into a look of smiling encouragement.
‘But it is, and it always has been,’ pursued Miss Podsnap, ‘such a trial to me! I so dread88 being awful. And it is so awful! No one knows what I suffered at Madame Sauteuse’s, where I learnt to dance and make presentation-curtseys, and other dreadful things — or at least where they tried to teach me. Ma can do it.’
‘At any rate, my love,’ said Mrs Lammle, soothingly95, ‘that’s over.’
‘Yes, it’s over,’ returned Miss Podsnap, ‘but there’s nothing gained by that. It’s worse here, than at Madame Sauteuse’s. Ma was there, and Ma’s here; but Pa wasn’t there, and company wasn’t there, and there were not real partners there. Oh there’s Ma speaking to the man at the piano! Oh there’s Ma going up to somebody! Oh I know she’s going to bring him to me! Oh please don’t, please don’t, please don’t! Oh keep away, keep away, keep away!’ These pious51 ejaculations Miss Podsnap uttered with her eyes closed, and her head leaning back against the wall.
But the Ogre advanced under the pilotage of Ma, and Ma said, ‘Georgiana, Mr Grompus,’ and the Ogre clutched his victim and bore her off to his castle in the top couple. Then the discreet automaton who had surveyed his ground, played a blossomless tuneless ‘set,’ and sixteen disciples96 of Podsnappery went through the figures of — 1, Getting up at eight and shaving close at a quarter past — 2, Breakfasting at nine — 3, Going to the City at ten — 4, Coming home at half-past five — 5, Dining at seven, and the grand chain.
While these solemnities were in progress, Mr Alfred Lammle (most loving of husbands) approached the chair of Mrs Alfred Lammle (most loving of wives), and bending over the back of it, trifled for some few seconds with Mrs Lammle’s bracelet97. Slightly in contrast with this brief airy toying, one might have noticed a certain dark attention in Mrs Lammle’s face as she said some words with her eyes on Mr Lammle’s waistcoat, and seemed in return to receive some lesson. But it was all done as a breath passes from a mirror.
And now, the grand chain riveted98 to the last link, the discreet automaton ceased, and the sixteen, two and two, took a walk among the furniture. And herein the unconsciousness of the Ogre Grompus was pleasantly conspicuous99; for, that complacent100 monster, believing that he was giving Miss Podsnap a treat, prolonged to the utmost stretch of possibility a peripatetic101 account of an archery meeting; while his victim, heading the procession of sixteen as it slowly circled about, like a revolving102 funeral, never raised her eyes except once to steal a glance at Mrs Lammle, expressive of intense despair.
At length the procession was dissolved by the violent arrival of a nutmeg, before which the drawing-room door bounced open as if it were a cannon-ball; and while that fragrant103 article, dispersed104 through several glasses of coloured warm water, was going the round of society, Miss Podsnap returned to her seat by her new friend.
‘Oh my goodness,’ said Miss Podsnap. ‘THAT’S over! I hope you didn’t look at me.’
‘My dear, why not?’
‘Oh I know all about myself,’ said Miss Podsnap.
‘I’ll tell you something I know about you, my dear,’ returned Mrs Lammle in her winning way, ‘and that is, you are most unnecessarily shy.’
‘Ma ain’t,’ said Miss Podsnap. ‘— I detest105 you! Go along!’ This shot was levelled under her breath at the gallant106 Grompus for bestowing107 an insinuating smile upon her in passing.
‘Pardon me if I scarcely see, my dear Miss Podsnap,’ Mrs Lammle was beginning when the young lady interposed.
‘If we are going to be real friends (and I suppose we are, for you are the only person who ever proposed it) don’t let us be awful. It’s awful enough to BE Miss Podsnap, without being called so. Call me Georgiana.’
‘Dearest Georgiana,’ Mrs Lammle began again.
‘Thank you,’ said Miss Podsnap.
‘Dearest Georgiana, pardon me if I scarcely see, my love, why your mamma’s not being shy, is a reason why you should be.’
‘Don’t you really see that?’ asked Miss Podsnap, plucking at her fingers in a troubled manner, and furtively108 casting her eyes now on Mrs Lammle, now on the ground. ‘Then perhaps it isn’t?’
‘My dearest Georgiana, you defer109 much too readily to my poor opinion. Indeed it is not even an opinion, darling, for it is only a confession110 of my dullness.’
‘Oh YOU are not dull,’ returned Miss Podsnap. ‘I am dull, but you couldn’t have made me talk if you were.’
Some little touch of conscience answering this perception of her having gained a purpose, called bloom enough into Mrs Lammle’s face to make it look brighter as she sat smiling her best smile on her dear Georgiana, and shaking her head with an affectionate playfulness. Not that it meant anything, but that Georgiana seemed to like it.
‘What I mean is,’ pursued Georgiana, ‘that Ma being so endowed with awfulness, and Pa being so endowed with awfulness, and there being so much awfulness everywhere — I mean, at least, everywhere where I am — perhaps it makes me who am so deficient111 in awfulness, and frightened at it — I say it very badly — I don’t know whether you can understand what I mean?’
‘Perfectly112, dearest Georgiana!’ Mrs Lammle was proceeding113 with every reassuring114 wile115, when the head of that young lady suddenly went back against the wall again and her eyes closed.
‘Oh there’s Ma being awful with somebody with a glass in his eye! Oh I know she’s going to bring him here! Oh don’t bring him, don’t bring him! Oh he’ll be my partner with his glass in his eye! Oh what shall I do!’ This time Georgiana accompanied her ejaculations with taps of her feet upon the floor, and was altogether in quite a desperate condition. But, there was no escape from the majestic116 Mrs Podsnap’s production of an ambling117 stranger, with one eye screwed up into extinction118 and the other framed and glazed119, who, having looked down out of that organ, as if he descried120 Miss Podsnap at the bottom of some perpendicular121 shaft122, brought her to the surface, and ambled123 off with her. And then the captive at the piano played another ‘set,’ expressive of his mournful aspirations124 after freedom, and other sixteen went through the former melancholy125 motions, and the ambler126 took Miss Podsnap for a furniture walk, as if he had struck out an entirely original conception.
In the mean time a stray personage of a meek127 demeanour, who had wandered to the hearthrug and got among the heads of tribes assembled there in conference with Mr Podsnap, eliminated Mr Podsnap’s flush and flourish by a highly unpolite remark; no less than a reference to the circumstance that some half-dozen people had lately died in the streets, of starvation. It was clearly ill-timed after dinner. It was not adapted to the cheek of the young person. It was not in good taste.
‘I don’t believe it,’ said Mr Podsnap, putting it behind him.
The meek man was afraid we must take it as proved, because there were the Inquests and the Registrar’s returns.
‘Then it was their own fault,’ said Mr Podsnap.
Veneering and other elders of tribes commended this way out of it. At once a short cut and a broad road.
The man of meek demeanour intimated that truly it would seem from the facts, as if starvation had been forced upon the culprits in question — as if, in their wretched manner, they had made their weak protests against it — as if they would have taken the liberty of staving it off if they could — as if they would rather not have been starved upon the whole, if perfectly agreeable to all parties.
‘There is not,’ said Mr Podsnap, flushing angrily, ‘there is not a country in the world, sir, where so noble a provision is made for the poor as in this country.’
The meek man was quite willing to concede that, but perhaps it rendered the matter even worse, as showing that there must be something appallingly128 wrong somewhere.
‘Where?’ said Mr Podsnap.
The meek man hinted Wouldn’t it be well to try, very seriously, to find out where?
‘Ah!’ said Mr Podsnap. ‘Easy to say somewhere; not so easy to say where! But I see what you are driving at. I knew it from the first. Centralization. No. Never with my consent. Not English.’
An approving murmur129 arose from the heads of tribes; as saying, ‘There you have him! Hold him!’
He was not aware (the meek man submitted of himself) that he was driving at any ization. He had no favourite ization that he knew of. But he certainly was more staggered by these terrible occurrences than he was by names, of howsoever so many syllables130. Might he ask, was dying of destitution131 and neglect necessarily English?
‘You know what the population of London is, I suppose,’ said Mr Podsnap.
The meek man supposed he did, but supposed that had absolutely nothing to do with it, if its laws were well administered.
‘And you know; at least I hope you know;’ said Mr Podsnap, with severity, ‘that Providence has declared that you shall have the poor always with you?’
The meek man also hoped he knew that.
‘I am glad to hear it,’ said Mr Podsnap with a portentous132 air. ‘I am glad to hear it. It will render you cautious how you fly in the face of Providence.’
In reference to that absurd and irreverent conventional phrase, the meek man said, for which Mr Podsnap was not responsible, he the meek man had no fear of doing anything so impossible; but —
But Mr Podsnap felt that the time had come for flushing and flourishing this meek man down for good. So he said:
‘I must decline to pursue this painful discussion. It is not pleasant to my feelings; it is repugnant to my feelings. I have said that I do not admit these things. I have also said that if they do occur (not that I admit it), the fault lies with the sufferers themselves. It is not for ME’— Mr Podsnap pointed133 ‘me’ forcibly, as adding by implication though it may be all very well for YOU—‘it is not for me to impugn134 the workings of Providence. I know better than that, I trust, and I have mentioned what the intentions of Providence are. Besides,’ said Mr Podsnap, flushing high up among his hairbrushes, with a strong consciousness of personal affront6, ‘the subject is a very disagreeable one. I will go so far as to say it is an odious135 one. It is not one to be introduced among our wives and young persons, and I—’ He finished with that flourish of his arm which added more expressively136 than any words, And I remove it from the face of the earth.
Simultaneously137 with this quenching138 of the meek man’s ineffectual fire; Georgiana having left the ambler up a lane of sofa, in a No Thoroughfare of back drawing-room, to find his own way out, came back to Mrs Lammle. And who should be with Mrs Lammle, but Mr Lammle. So fond of her!
‘Alfred, my love, here is my friend. Georgiana, dearest girl, you must like my husband next to me.
Mr Lammle was proud to be so soon distinguished139 by this special commendation to Miss Podsnap’s favour. But if Mr Lammle were prone140 to be jealous of his dear Sophronia’s friendships, he would be jealous of her feeling towards Miss Podsnap.
‘Say Georgiana, darling,’ interposed his wife.
‘Towards — shall I? — Georgiana.’ Mr Lammle uttered the name, with a delicate curve of his right hand, from his lips outward. ‘For never have I known Sophronia (who is not apt to take sudden likings) so attracted and so captivated as she is by — shall I once more? — Georgiana.’
The object of this homage141 sat uneasily enough in receipt of it, and then said, turning to Mrs Lammle, much embarrassed:
‘I wonder what you like me for! I am sure I can’t think.’
‘Dearest Georgiana, for yourself. For your difference from all around you.’
‘Well! That may be. For I think I like you for your difference from all around me,’ said Georgiana with a smile of relief.
‘We must be going with the rest,’ observed Mrs Lammle, rising with a show of unwillingness142, amidst a general dispersal. ‘We are real friends, Georgiana dear?’
‘Real.’
‘Good night, dear girl!’
She had established an attraction over the shrinking nature upon which her smiling eyes were fixed143, for Georgiana held her hand while she answered in a secret and half-frightened tone:
‘Don’t forget me when you are gone away. And come again soon. Good night!’
Charming to see Mr and Mrs Lammle taking leave so gracefully144, and going down the stairs so lovingly and sweetly. Not quite so charming to see their smiling faces fall and brood as they dropped moodily145 into separate corners of their little carriage. But to he sure that was a sight behind the scenes, which nobody saw, and which nobody was meant to see.
Certain big, heavy vehicles, built on the model of the Podsnap plate, took away the heavy articles of guests weighing ever so much; and the less valuable articles got away after their various manners; and the Podsnap plate was put to bed. As Mr Podsnap stood with his back to the drawing-room fire, pulling up his shirtcollar, like a veritable cock of the walk literally146 pluming147 himself in the midst of his possessions, nothing would have astonished him more than an intimation that Miss Podsnap, or any other young person properly born and bred, could not be exactly put away like the plate, brought out like the plate, polished like the plate, counted, weighed, and valued like the plate. That such a young person could possibly have a morbid148 vacancy149 in the heart for anything younger than the plate, or less monotonous150 than the plate; or that such a young person’s thoughts could try to scale the region bounded on the north, south, east, and west, by the plate; was a monstrous151 imagination which he would on the spot have flourished into space. This perhaps in some sort arose from Mr Podsnap’s blushing young person being, so to speak, all cheek; whereas there is a possibility that there may be young persons of a rather more complex organization.
If Mr Podsnap, pulling up his shirt-collar, could only have beard himself called ‘that fellow’ in a certain short dialogue, which passed between Mr and Mrs Lammle in their opposite corners of their little carriage, rolling home!
‘Sophronia, are you awake?’
‘Am I likely to be asleep, sir?’
‘Very likely, I should think, after that fellow’s company. Attend to what I am going to say.’
‘I have attended to what you have already said, have I not? What else have I been doing all to-night.’
‘Attend, I tell you,’ (in a raised voice) ‘to what I am going to say. Keep close to that idiot girl. Keep her under your thumb. You have her fast, and you are not to let her go. Do you hear?’
‘I hear you.’
‘I foresee there is money to be made out of this, besides taking that fellow down a peg152. We owe each other money, you know.’
Mrs Lammle winced153 a little at the reminder154, but only enough to shake her scents155 and essences anew into the atmosphere of the little carriage, as she settled herself afresh in her own dark corner.
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1
marine
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| adj.海的；海生的；航海的；海事的；n.水兵 | |
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2
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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3
conclusiveness
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| n.最后； 释疑； 确定性； 结论性 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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6
affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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affronted
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| adj.被侮辱的，被冒犯的v.勇敢地面对( affront的过去式和过去分词 )；相遇 | |
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8
geographically
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| adv.地理学上，在地理上，地理方面 | |
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conclusively
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| adv.令人信服地，确凿地 | |
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10
presto
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| adv.急速地；n.急板乐段；adj.急板的 | |
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sedately
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| adv.镇静地，安详地 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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13
vagrants
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| 流浪者( vagrant的名词复数 )； 无业游民； 乞丐； 无赖 | |
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14
eminently
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| adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地 | |
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15
providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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16
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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17
enunciated
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| v.（清晰地）发音( enunciate的过去式和过去分词 )；确切地说明 | |
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18
smacked
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| 拍，打，掴( smack的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
prancing
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| v.（马）腾跃( prance的现在分词 ) | |
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20
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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21
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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22
embodied
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| v.表现( embody的过去式和过去分词 )；象征；包括；包含 | |
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23
inconvenient
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| adj.不方便的，令人感到麻烦的 | |
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24
exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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25
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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26
tints
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| 色彩( tint的名词复数 )； 带白的颜色； （淡色）染发剂； 痕迹 | |
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27
derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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28
walnut
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| n.胡桃，胡桃木，胡桃色，茶色 | |
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29
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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30
assenting
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| 同意，赞成( assent的现在分词 ) | |
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31
worthies
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| 应得某事物( worthy的名词复数 )； 值得做某事； 可尊敬的； 有（某人或事物）的典型特征 | |
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32
bespeak
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| v.预定；预先请求 | |
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33
automaton
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| n.自动机器，机器人 | |
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34
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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35
eruption
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| n.火山爆发；（战争等）爆发；（疾病等）发作 | |
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36
ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37
obtrusively
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| adv.冒失地，莽撞地 | |
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38
morsel
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| n.一口，一点点 | |
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39
droll
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| adj.古怪的，好笑的 | |
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40
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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41
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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42
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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43
condescending
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| adj.谦逊的,故意屈尊的 | |
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44
subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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45
spaciously
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| adv.宽敞地；广博地 | |
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46
metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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47
supplementary
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| adj.补充的，附加的 | |
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48
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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49
entreated
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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50
copious
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| adj.丰富的，大量的 | |
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51
pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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52
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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53
meritorious
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| adj.值得赞赏的 | |
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54
proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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55
proprietorship
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| n.所有（权）；所有权 | |
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56
bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
exclusion
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| n.拒绝，排除，排斥，远足，远途旅行 | |
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59
modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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60
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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61
qualified
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| adj.合格的，有资格的，胜任的，有限制的 | |
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62
edified
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| v.开导，启发( edify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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63
conversational
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| adj.对话的，会话的 | |
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64
prospered
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| 成功，兴旺( prosper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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65
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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66
aquiline
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| adj.钩状的，鹰的 | |
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67
animation
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| n.活泼，兴奋，卡通片／动画片的制作 | |
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68
disapproved
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| v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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69
ineligible
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| adj.无资格的，不适当的 | |
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70
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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71
infusion
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| n.灌输 | |
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72
discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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73
languishing
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| a. 衰弱下去的 | |
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74
assorted
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| adj.各种各样的，各色俱备的 | |
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75
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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76
ornamental
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| adj.装饰的；作装饰用的；n.装饰品；观赏植物 | |
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77
larceny
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| n.盗窃（罪） | |
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78
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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79
proprieties
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| n.礼仪，礼节；礼貌( propriety的名词复数 )；规矩；正当；合适 | |
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80
elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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81
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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82
insinuating
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| adj.曲意巴结的，暗示的v.暗示( insinuate的现在分词 )；巧妙或迂回地潜入；（使）缓慢进入；慢慢伸入 | |
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83
nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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84
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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85
exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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86
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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87
elicited
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| 引出，探出( elicit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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88
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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89
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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90
terpsichorean
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| adj.舞蹈的；n.舞蹈家 | |
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91
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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92
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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93
pinioned
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| v.抓住[捆住]（双臂）( pinion的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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94
horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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95
soothingly
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| adv.抚慰地，安慰地；镇痛地 | |
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96
disciples
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| n.信徒( disciple的名词复数 )；门徒；耶稣的信徒；（尤指）耶稣十二门徒之一 | |
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97
bracelet
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| n.手镯，臂镯 | |
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98
riveted
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| 铆接( rivet的过去式和过去分词 )； 把…固定住； 吸引； 引起某人的注意 | |
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99
conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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100
complacent
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| adj.自满的；自鸣得意的 | |
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101
peripatetic
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| adj.漫游的，逍遥派的，巡回的 | |
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102
revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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103
fragrant
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| adj.芬香的，馥郁的，愉快的 | |
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104
dispersed
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| adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
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105
detest
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| vt.痛恨，憎恶 | |
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106
gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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107
bestowing
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| 砖窑中砖堆上层已烧透的砖 | |
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108
furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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109
defer
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| vt.推迟，拖延；vi.(to)遵从，听从，服从 | |
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110
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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111
deficient
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| adj.不足的，不充份的，有缺陷的 | |
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112
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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113
proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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114
reassuring
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| a.使人消除恐惧和疑虑的，使人放心的 | |
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115
wile
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| v.诡计，引诱；n.欺骗，欺诈 | |
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116
majestic
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| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
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117
ambling
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| v.（马）缓行( amble的现在分词 )；从容地走，漫步 | |
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extinction
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| n.熄灭，消亡，消灭，灭绝，绝种 | |
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glazed
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| adj.光滑的，像玻璃的；上过釉的；呆滞无神的v.装玻璃( glaze的过去式)；上釉于，上光；（目光）变得呆滞无神 | |
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descried
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| adj.被注意到的，被发现的，被看到的 | |
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perpendicular
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| adj.垂直的，直立的；n.垂直线，垂直的位置 | |
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shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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123
ambled
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| v.（马）缓行( amble的过去式和过去分词 )；从容地走，漫步 | |
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aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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125
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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ambler
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| n.以溜步法走的马，慢慢走的人 | |
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meek
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| adj.温顺的，逆来顺受的 | |
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appallingly
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| 毛骨悚然地 | |
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129
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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130
syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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131
destitution
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| n.穷困，缺乏，贫穷 | |
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portentous
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| adj.不祥的，可怕的，装腔作势的 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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impugn
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| v.指责，对…表示怀疑 | |
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odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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expressively
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| ad.表示(某事物)地；表达地 | |
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simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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138
quenching
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| 淬火，熄 | |
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139
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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prone
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| adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的 | |
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homage
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| n.尊敬，敬意，崇敬 | |
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unwillingness
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| n. 不愿意，不情愿 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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moodily
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| adv.喜怒无常地；情绪多变地；心情不稳地；易生气地 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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pluming
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| 用羽毛装饰（plume的现在分词形式） | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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153
winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reminder
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| n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示 | |
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scents
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| n.香水( scent的名词复数 )；气味；（动物的）臭迹；（尤指狗的）嗅觉 | |
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