Nay7, the beginning of this hypocrisy8 — a desire to excel, a desire to be hearty9, fruity, generous, strength-imparting — is a virtuous10 and noble ambition; and it is most difficult for a man in his own case, or his neighbor’s, to say at what point this ambition transgresses11 the boundary of virtue12, and becomes vanity, pretence13, and self-seeking. You are a poor man, let us say, showing a bold face to adverse14 fortune, and wearing a confident aspect. Your purse is very narrow, but you owe no man a penny; your means are scanty15, but your wife’s gown is decent; your old coat well brushed; your children at a good school; you grumble16 to no one; ask favors of no one; truckle to no neighbors on account of their superior rank, or (a worse, and a meaner, and a more common crime still) envy none for their better fortune. To all outward appearances you are as well to do as your neighbors, who have thrice your income. There may be in this case some little mixture of pretension17 in your life and behavior. You certainly DO put on a smiling face whilst fortune is pinching you. Your wife and girls, so smart and neat at evening parties, are cutting, patching, and cobbling all day to make both ends of life’s haberdashery meet. You give a friend a bottle of wine on occasion, but are content yourself with a glass of whiskey-and-water. You avoid a cab, saying that of all things you like to walk home after dinner (which you know, my good friend, is a fib). I grant you that in this scheme of life there does enter ever so little hypocrisy; that this claret is loaded, as it were; but your desire to PORTIFY yourself is amiable18, is pardonable, is perhaps honorable: and were there no other hypocrisies19 than yours in the world we should be a set of worthy fellows; and sermonizers, moralizers, satirizers, would have to hold their tongues, and go to some other trade to get a living.
But you know you WILL step over that boundary line of virtue and modesty20, into the district where humbug21 and vanity begin, and there the moralizer catches you and makes an example of you. For instance, in a certain novel in another place my friend Mr. Talbot Twysden is mentioned — a man whom you and I know to be a wretched ordinaire, but who persists in treating himself as if he was the finest ‘20 port. In our Britain there are hundreds of men like him; for ever striving to swell22 beyond their natural size, to strain beyond their natural strength, to step beyond their natural stride. Search, search within your own waistcoats, dear brethren — YOU know in your hearts, which of your ordinaire qualities you would pass off, and fain consider as first-rate port. And why not you yourself, Mr. Preacher? says the congregation. Dearly beloved, neither in or out of this pulpit do I profess23 to be bigger, or cleverer, or wiser, or better than any of you. A short while since, a certain Reviewer announced that I gave myself great pretensions24 as a philosopher. I a philosopher! I advance pretensions! My dear Saturday friend. And you? Don’t you teach everything to everybody? and punish the naughty boys if they don’t learn as you bid them? You teach politics to Lord John and Mr. Gladstone. You teach poets how to write; painters, how to paint; gentlemen, manners; and opera-dancers, how to pirouette. I was not a little amused of late by an instance of the modesty of our Saturday friend, who, more Athenian than the Athenians, and apropos26 of a Greek book by a Greek author, sat down and gravely showed the Greek gentleman how to write his own language.
No, I do not, as far as I know, try to be port at all; but offer in these presents, a sound genuine ordinaire, at 18s. per doz. let us say, grown on my own hillside, and offered de bon coeur to those who will sit down under my tonnelle, and have a half-hour’s drink and gossip. It is none of your hot porto, my friend. I know there is much better and stronger liquor elsewhere. Some pronounce it sour: some say it is thin; some that it has wofully lost its flavor. This may or may not be true. There are good and bad years; years that surprise everybody; years of which the produce is small and bad, or rich and plentiful27. But if my tap is not genuine it is naught25, and no man should give himself the trouble to drink it. I do not even say that I would be port if I could; knowing that port (by which I would imply much stronger, deeper, richer, and more durable28 liquor than my vineyard can furnish) is not relished29 by all palates, or suitable to all heads. We will assume then, dear brother, that you and I are tolerably modest people; and, ourselves being thus out of the question, proceed to show how pretentious30 our neighbors are, and how very many of them would be port if they could.
Have you never seen a small man from college placed amongst great folk, and giving himself the airs of a man of fashion? He goes back to his common room with fond reminiscences of Ermine Castle or Strawberry Hall. He writes to the dear countess, to say that dear Lord Lollypop is getting on very well at St. Boniface, and that the accident which he met with in a scuffle with an inebriated31 bargeman only showed his spirit and honor, and will not permanently32 disfigure his lordship’s nose. He gets his clothes from dear Lollypop’s London tailor, and wears a mauve or magenta33 tie when he rides out to see the hounds. A love of fashionable people is a weakness, I do not say of all, but of some tutors. Witness that Eton tutor t’other day, who intimated that in Cornhill we could not understand the perfect purity, delicacy34, and refinement35 of those genteel families who sent their sons to Eton. O usher36, mon ami! Old Sam Johnson, who, too, had been an usher in his early life, kept a little of that weakness always. Suppose Goldsmith had knocked him up at three in the morning and proposed a boat to Greenwich, as Topham Beauclerc and his friend did, would he have said, “What, my boy, are you for a frolic? I’m with you!” and gone and put on his clothes? Rather he would have pitched poor Goldsmith down stairs. He would have liked to be port if he could. Of course WE wouldn’t. Our opinion of the Portugal grape is known. It grows very high, and is very sour, and we don’t go for that kind of grape at all.
“I was walking with Mr. Fox”— and sure this anecdote37 comes very pat after the grapes —“I was walking with Mr. Fox in the Louvre,” says Benjamin West (apud some paper I have just been reading), “and I remarked how many people turned round to look at ME. This shows the respect of the French for the fine arts.” This is a curious instance of a very small claret indeed, which imagined itself to be port of the strongest body. There are not many instances of a faith so deep, so simple, so satisfactory as this. I have met many who would like to be port; but with few of the Gascon sort, who absolutely believed they WERE port. George III. believed in West’s port and thought Reynolds’s overrated stuff. When I saw West’s pictures at Philadelphia, I looked at them with astonishment38 and awe39. Hide, blushing glory, hide your head under your old nightcap. O immortality40! is this the end of you? Did any of you, my dear brethren, ever try and read “Blackmore’s Poems,” or the “Epics of Baour-Lormian,” or the “Henriade,” or — what shall we say? — Pollok’s “Course of Time?” They were thought to be more lasting42 than brass43 by some people, and where are they now? And OUR masterpieces of literature — OUR poets — that, if not immortal41, at any rate, are to last their fifty, their hundred years — oh, sirs, don’t you think a very small cellar will hold them?
Those poor people in brass, on pedestals, hectoring about Trafalgar Square and that neighborhood, don’t you think many of them — apart even from the ridiculous execution — cut rather a ridiculous figure, and that we are too eager to set up our ordinaire heroism44 and talent for port? A Duke of Wellington or two I will grant, though even of these idols45 a moderate supply will be sufficient. Some years ago a famous and witty46 French critic was in London, with whom I walked the streets. I am ashamed to say that I informed him (being in hopes that he was about to write some papers regarding the manners and customs of this country) that all the statues he saw represented the Duke of Wellington. That on the arch opposite Apsley House? the Duke in a cloak, and cocked hat, on horseback. That behind Apsley House in an airy fig-leaf costume? the Duke again. That in Cockspur Street? the Duke with a pigtail — and so on. I showed him an army of Dukes. There are many bronze heroes who after a few years look already as foolish, awkward, and out of place as a man, say at Shoolbred’s or Swan and Edgar’s. For example, those three Grenadiers in Pall47 Mall, who have been up only a few months, don’t you pity those unhappy household troops, who have to stand frowning and looking fierce there; and think they would like to step down and go to barracks? That they fought very bravely there is no doubt; but so did the Russians fight very bravely; and the French fight very bravely; and so did Colonel Jones and the 99th, and Colonel Brown and the 100th; and I say again that ordinaire should not give itself port airs, and that an honest ordinaire would blush to be found swaggering so. I am sure if you could consult the Duke of York, who is impaled48 on his column between the two clubs, and ask his late Royal Highness whether he thought he ought to remain there, he would say no. A brave, worthy man, not a braggart49 or boaster, to be put upon that heroic perch50 must be painful to him. Lord George Bentinck, I suppose, being in the midst of the family park in Cavendish Square, may conceive that he has a right to remain in his place. But look at William of Cumberland, with his hat cocked over his eye, prancing51 behind Lord George on his Roman-nosed charger; he, depend on it, would be for getting off his horse if he had the permission. He did not hesitate about trifles, as we know; but he was a very truth-telling and honorable soldier: and as for heroic rank and statuesque dignity, I would wager52 a dozen of ‘20 port against a bottle of pure and sound Bordeaux, at 18s. per dozen (bottles included), that he never would think of claiming any such absurd distinction. They have got a statue of Thomas Moore at Dublin, I hear. Is he on horseback? Some men should have, say, a fifty years’ lease of glory. After a while some gentlemen now in brass should go to the melting furnace, and reappear in some other gentleman’s shape. Lately I saw that Melville column rising over Edinburgh; come, good men and true, don’t you feel a little awkward and uneasy when you walk under it? Who was this to stand in heroic places? and is yon the man whom Scotchmen most delight to honor? I must own deferentially54 that there is a tendency in North Britain to over-esteem its heroes. Scotch53 ale is very good and strong, but it is not stronger than all the other beer in the world, as some Scottish patriots55 would insist. When there has been a war, and stout56 old Sandy Sansculotte returns home from India or Crimea, what a bagpiping57, shouting, hurraying, and self-glorification takes place round about him! You would fancy, to hear McOrator after dinner, that the Scotch had fought all the battles, killed all the Russians, Indian rebels, or what not. In Cupar-Fife, there’s a little inn called the “Battle of Waterloo,” and what do you think the sign is? (I sketch58 from memory, to be sure.)13 “The Battle of Waterloo” is one broad Scotchman laying about him with a broadsword. Yes, yes, my dear Mac, you are wise, you are good, you are clever, you are handsome, you are brave, you are rich, &c.; but so is Jones over the border. Scotch salmon59 is good, but there are other good fish in the sea. I once heard a Scotchman lecture on poetry in London. Of course the pieces he selected were chiefly by Scottish authors, and Walter Scott was his favorite poet. I whispered to my neighbor, who was a Scotchman (by the way, the audience were almost all Scotch, and the room was All-Mac’s — I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help it, I really couldn’t help it)—“The professor has said the best poet was a Scotchman: I wager that he will say the worst poet was a Scotchman, too.” And sure enough that worst poet, when he made his appearance, was a Northern Briton.
13 This refers to an illustrated60 edition of the work.
And as we are talking of bragging61, and I am on my travels, can I forget one mighty62 republic — one — two mighty republics, where people are notoriously fond of passing off their claret for port? I am very glad, for the sake of a kind friend, that there is a great and influential63 party in the United, and, I trust, in the Confederate States,14 who believe that Catawba wine is better than the best Champagne64. Opposite that famous old White House at Washington, whereof I shall ever have a grateful memory, they have set up an equestrian65 statue of General Jackson, by a self-taught American artist of no inconsiderable genius and skill. At an evening-party a member of Congress seized me in a corner of the room, and asked me if I did not think this was THE FINEST EQUESTRIAN STATUE IN THE WORLD? How was I to deal with this plain question, put to me in a corner? I was bound to reply, and accordingly said that I did NOT think it was the finest statue in the world. “Well, sir,” says the Member of Congress, “but you must remember that Mr. M—— had never seen a statue when he made this!” I suggested that to see other statues might do Mr. M—— no harm. Nor was any man more willing to own his defects, or more modest regarding his merits, than the sculptor66 himself, whom I met subsequently. But oh! what a charming article there was in a Washington paper next day about the impertinence of criticism and offensive tone of arrogance67 which Englishmen adopted towards men and works of genius in America! “Who was this man, who” &c. &c.? The Washington writer was angry because I would not accept this American claret as the finest port-wine in the world. Ah me! It is about blood and not wine that the quarrel now is, and who shall foretell68 its end?
14 Written in July, 1861.
How much claret that would be port if it could is handed about in every society! In the House of Commons what small-beer orators69 try to pass for strong? Stay: have I a spite against any one? It is a fact that the wife of the Member for Bungay has left off asking me and Mrs. Roundabout to her evening-parties. Now is the time to have a slap at him. I will say that he was always overrated, and that now he is lamentably70 falling off even from what he has been. I will back the Member for Stoke Poges against him; and show that the dashing young Member for Islington is a far sounder man than either. Have I any little literary animosities? Of course not. Men of letters never have. Otherwise, how I could serve out a competitor here, make a face over his works, and show that this would-be port is very meagre ordinaire indeed! Nonsense, man! Why so squeamish? Do they spare YOU! Now you have the whip in your hand, won’t you lay on? You used to be a pretty whip enough as a young man, and liked it too. Is there no enemy who would be the better for a little thonging? No. I have militated in former times, not without glory; but I grow peaceable as I grow old. And if I have a literary enemy, why, he will probably write a book ere long, and then it will be HIS turn, and my favorite review will be down upon him.
My brethren, these sermons are professedly short; for I have that opinion of my dear congregation, which leads me to think that were I to preach at great length they would yawn, stamp, make noises, and perhaps go straightway out of church; and yet with this text I protest I could go on for hours. What multitudes of men, what multitudes of women, my dears, pass off their ordinaire for port, their small beer for strong! In literature, in politics, in the army, the navy, the church, at the bar, in the world, what an immense quantity of cheap liquor is made to do service for better sorts! Ask Serjeant Roland his opinion of Oliver Q.C. “Ordinaire, my good fellow, ordinaire, with a port-wine label!” Ask Oliver his opinion of Roland. “Never was a man so overrated by the world and by himself.” Ask Tweedledumski his opinion of Tweedledeestein’s performance. “A quack71, my tear sir! an ignoramus, I geef you my vort? He gombose an opera! He is not fit to make dance a bear!” Ask Paddington and Buckminster, those two “swells” of fashion, what they think of each other? They are notorious ordinaire. You and I remember when they passed for very small wine, and now how high and mighty they have become. What do you say to Tomkins’s sermons? Ordinaire, trying to go down as orthodox port, and very meagre ordinaire too! To Hopkins’s historical works? — to Pumkins’s poetry? Ordinaire, ordinaire again — thin, feeble, overrated; and so down the whole list. And when we have done discussing our men friends, have we not all the women? Do these not advance absurd pretensions? Do these never give themselves airs? With feeble brains, don’t they often set up to be esprits forts? Don’t they pretend to be women of fashion, and cut their betters? Don’t they try and pass off their ordinary-looking girls as beauties of the first order? Every man in his circle knows women who give themselves airs, and to whom we can apply the port-wine simile72.
Come, my friends. Here is enough of ordinaire and port for today. My bottle has run out. Will anybody have any more? Let us go up stairs, and get a cup of tea from the ladies.
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1
grumbling
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| adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的 | |
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Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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imbibing
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| v.吸收( imbibe的现在分词 )；喝；吸取；吸气 | |
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bumper
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| n.(汽车上的)保险杠；adj.特大的，丰盛的 | |
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aspire
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| vi.(to，after)渴望，追求，有志于 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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transgresses
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| n.超越( transgress的名词复数 )；越过；违反；违背v.超越( transgress的第三人称单数 )；越过；违反；违背 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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adverse
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| adj.不利的；有害的；敌对的，不友好的 | |
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scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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pretension
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| n.要求；自命，自称；自负 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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hypocrisies
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| n.伪善，虚伪( hypocrisy的名词复数 ) | |
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modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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humbug
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| n.花招，谎话，欺骗 | |
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swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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profess
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| v.声称，冒称，以...为业，正式接受入教，表明信仰 | |
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pretensions
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| 自称( pretension的名词复数 )； 自命不凡； 要求； 权力 | |
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naught
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| n.无，零 [=nought] | |
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apropos
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| adv.恰好地；adj.恰当的；关于 | |
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plentiful
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| adj.富裕的，丰富的 | |
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durable
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| adj.持久的，耐久的 | |
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relished
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| v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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pretentious
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| adj.自命不凡的，自负的，炫耀的 | |
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inebriated
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| adj.酒醉的 | |
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permanently
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| adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地 | |
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magenta
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| n..紫红色（的染料）；adj.紫红色的 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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usher
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| n.带位员，招待员；vt.引导，护送；vi.做招待，担任引座员 | |
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anecdote
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| n.轶事，趣闻，短故事 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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immortality
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| n.不死，不朽 | |
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immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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idols
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| 偶像( idol的名词复数 )； 受崇拜的人或物； 受到热爱和崇拜的人或物； 神像 | |
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witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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pall
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| v.覆盖，使平淡无味；n.柩衣，棺罩；棺材；帷幕 | |
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impaled
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| 钉在尖桩上( impale的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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braggart
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| n.吹牛者；adj.吹牛的，自夸的 | |
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perch
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| n.栖木，高位，杆；v.栖息，就位，位于 | |
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prancing
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| v.（马）腾跃( prance的现在分词 ) | |
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wager
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| n.赌注；vt.押注，打赌 | |
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scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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deferentially
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| adv.表示敬意地，谦恭地 | |
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patriots
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| 爱国者，爱国主义者( patriot的名词复数 ) | |
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bagpiping
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| v.风笛( bagpipe的现在分词 ) | |
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sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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salmon
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| n.鲑，大马哈鱼，橙红色的 | |
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illustrated
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| adj. 有插图的，列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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bragging
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| v.自夸，吹嘘( brag的现在分词 )；大话 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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influential
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| adj.有影响的，有权势的 | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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equestrian
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| adj.骑马的；n.马术 | |
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sculptor
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| n.雕刻家，雕刻家 | |
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arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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foretell
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| v.预言，预告，预示 | |
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orators
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| n.演说者，演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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lamentably
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| adv.哀伤地，拙劣地 | |
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quack
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| n.庸医；江湖医生；冒充内行的人；骗子 | |
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simile
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| n.直喻，明喻 | |
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