I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasn’t out yet. That was good,because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time.
Her scent1 lingered in the car. I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, tryingto get used to the feel of intentionally2 torching my throat.
Attraction.
It was a problematic thing to contemplate3. So many sides to it, so many differentmeanings and levels. Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.
I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me. (Would her mental silence somehowcontinue to get more and more frustrating4 until I went mad? Or was there a limit that Iwould eventually reach?)I tried to compare her physical responses to others, like the secretary and JessicaStanley, but the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers—changes in heart rateand breathing patterns—could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they didinterest. It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughtsthat Jessica Stanley used to have. After all, Bella knew very well that there wassomething wrong with me, even if she didn’t know what exactly it was. She had touchedmy icy skin, and then yanked her hand away from the chill.
And yet…as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse5 me, butremembered them with Bella in Jessica’s place…I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.
What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragilebody? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under herchin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing theshape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I couldfeel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still…But then I flinched6 away from the daydream7, knowing, as I had known whenJessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her.
Attraction was an impossible dilemma8, because I was already too attracted toBella in the worst way.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
That was the wrong question. The right question was should I want Bella to beattracted to me that way, and that answer was no. Because I was not a human man, andthat wasn’t fair to her.
With every fiber9 of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could hold herin my arms without risking her life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies,fantasies that didn’t end in with her blood on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes.
My pursuit of her was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I offer her,when I couldn’t risk touching10 her?
I hung my head in my hands.
It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my wholelife—not even when I was human, as far as I could recall. When I had been human, mythoughts had all been turned to a soldier’s glory. The Great War had raged through mostof my adolescence11, and I’d been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthdaywhen the influenza12 had struck… I had just vague impressions of those human years,murky13 memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mothermost clearly, and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly howmuch she had hated the future I’d raced eagerly toward, praying every night when shesaid grace at dinner that the “horrid war” would end… I had no memories of anotherkind of yearning14. Besides my mother’s love, there was no other love that had made mewish to stay…This was entirely15 new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make.
The love I felt for Bella had come purely16, but now the waters were muddied. Iwanted very much to be able to touch her. Did she feel the same way?
That didn’t matter, I tried to convince myself.
I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhumanstrength…I jumped when the passenger door opened.
Ha. Caught you by surprise. There’s a first, Emmett thought as he slid into theseat. “I’ll bet Mrs. Goff thinks you’re on drugs, you’ve been so erratic17 lately. Wherewere you today?”
“I was…doing good deeds.”
Huh?
I chuckled18. “Caring for the sick, that kind of thing.”
That confused him more, but then he inhaled19 and caught the scent in the car.
“Oh. The girl again?”
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled22.
He inhaled again. “Hmm, she does have a quite a flavor, doesn’t she?”
The snarl23 broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way,an automatic response.
“Easy, kid, I’m just sayin.’”
The others arrived then. Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered24 at me,still not over her irritation25. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear fromher were insults.
I didn’t like Jasper’s reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella’s appeal.
Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me.
I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control…Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bella’s truck key.
“I only saw that I was,” she said—obscurely, as was her habit. “You’ll have totell me the whys.”
“This doesn’t mean—”
“I know, I know. I’ll wait. It won’t be long.”
I sighed and gave her the key.
I followed her to Bella’s house. The rain was pounding down like a million tinyhammers, so loud that maybe Bella’s human ears couldn’t hear the thunder of the truck’sengine. I watched her window, but she didn’t come to look out. Maybe she wasn’t there.
There were no thoughts to hear.
It made me sad that I couldn’t hear enough even to check on her—to make sureshe was happy, or safe, at the least.
Alice climbed in the back and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so itonly took a few minutes. We trooped into the house, and then went to our variouspastimes.
Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizingeight joined boards—spread out along the glass back wall—and their own complicatedset of rules. They wouldn’t let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore.
Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear hermonitors sing to life. Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalie’swardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and coloras Alice’s hand traced over the touch sensitive screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweakthat system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, todayRosalie sprawled27 sullenly28 on the sofa and started flipping29 through twenty channels asecond on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or notto go out to the garage and tune30 her BMW again.
Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blue prints.
Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthingEmmett’s next moves—Emmett sat on the floor with his back to her—to Jasper, whokept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmett’s favorite knight31.
And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisitegrand piano stationed just off the entryway.
I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning32 was still perfect.
Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.
I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today,pleased that it sounded even better than I’d imagined.
Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously33, a smile breaking across herface. She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs.
I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.
Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her headagainst the banister. A new song. It’s been so long. What a lovely tune.
I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass34 line.
Edward is composing again? Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched35 together infierce resentment36.
In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying37 outrage38. I sawwhy she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing39 Isabella Swan had not botheredher conscience at all.
With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.
The music came to an abrupt40 halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, asharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth.
Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined41 fury.
Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esme’s confusion. Esme wasdownstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.
“Don’t stop, Edward,” Esme encouraged after a strained moment.
I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard tocontrol the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of theroom, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly quite embarrassed.
If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog.
“What’s wrong, Rose?” Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn’t turn. Shecontinued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if shecould bury herself there.
“What’s that about?” Emmett asked me.
“I don’t have the faintest idea,” I lied.
Emmett grumbled43, frustrated44.
“Keep playing,” Esme urged. My hands had paused again.
I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on myshoulders.
The song was compelling, but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didn’tseem right somehow.
“It’s charming. Does it have a name?” Esme asked.
“Not yet.”
“Is there a story to it?” she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very greatpleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish.
“It’s…a lullaby, I suppose.” I got the bridge right then. It led easily to the nextmovement, taking on a life of its own.
“A lullaby,” she repeated to herself.
There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into placeeffortlessly. The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild andtwisted like seaweed across the pillow…Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. Inher trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched45 out a wordless descant46 two octaves above themelody.
“I like it,” I murmured. “But how about this?”
I added her line to the harmony—my hands were flying across the keys now towork all the pieces together—modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction…She caught the mood, and sung along.
“Yes. Perfect,” I said.
Esme squeezed my shoulder.
But I could see the end now, with Alice’s voice rising above the tune and taking itto another place. I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl wasperfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness. The songdrifted toward that realization47, slower and lower now. Alice’s voice lowered, too, andbecame solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral.
I played the last note, and then bowed my head over the keys.
Esme stroked my hair. It’s going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work outfor the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.
“Thanks,” I whispered, wishing I could believe it.
Love doesn’t always come in convenient packages.
I laughed once without humor.
You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such adifficult quandary48. You are the best and the brightest of us all.
I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.
Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time,no matter the potential for tragedy. She’d thought I would always be alone…She’ll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching49 me by surprise withthe direction of her thoughts. If she’s a bright girl. She smiled. But I can’t imagineanyone being so slow they wouldn’t see the catch you are.
“Stop it, Mom, you’re making me blush,” I teased. Her words, thoughimprobable, did cheer me.
Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of “Heart and Soul.” I grinned andcompleted the simple harmony with her. Then I favored her with a performance of“Chopsticks.”
She giggled50, then sighed. “So I wish you’d tell me what you were laughing atRose about,” Alice said. “But I can see that you won’t.”
“Nope.”
She flicked51 my ear with her finger.
“Be nice, Alice,” Esme chided. “Edward is being a gentleman.”
“But I want to know.”
I laughed at the whining52 tone she put on. Then I said, “Here, Esme,” and beganplaying her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I’d watched between her andCarlisle for so many years.
“Thank you, dear.” She squeezed my shoulder again.
I didn’t have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead I thought ofRosalie, still figuratively writhing53 in mortification54 in the garage, and I grinned to myself.
Having just discovered the potency55 of jealousy56 for myself, I had a small amountof pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousandtimes more petty than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario57.
I wondered how Rosalie’s life and personality would have been different if shehad not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beautyhadn’t at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? Morecompassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done,and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in thespotlight of her own loveliness. Not that she’d minded. The opposite—she’d loved admiration58 above almost anything else. That hadn’t changed with the loss of hermortality.
It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that she’d been offended whenI had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males toworship. Not that she’d wanted me in any way—far from it. But it had aggravated59 herthat I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.
It was different with Jasper and Carlisle—they were already both in love. I wascompletely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately60 unmoved.
I’d thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.
And she had been…until the day that I finally found someone whose beautytouched me the way hers had not.
Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshiping,then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. She’d been furioussince the moment I’d saved Bella’s life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, theinterest that I was all but unconscious of myself.
Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant61 human girl moreappealing than her.
I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella. Rosalie actually thought thegirl was plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. Aproduct of the jealousy, no doubt.
“Oh!” Alice said abruptly62. “Jasper, guess what?”
I saw what she’d just seen, and my hands froze on the keys.
“What, Alice?” Jasper asked.
“Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They’re going to be in theneighborhood, isn’t that nice?”
“What’s wrong, Edward?” Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders.
“Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks?” I hissed63 at AliceShe rolled her eyes at me. “Calm down, Edward. It’s not their first visit.”
My teeth clenched together. It was their first visit since Bella had arrived, and hersweet blood didn’t appeal just to me.
Alice frowned at my expression. “They never hunt here. You know that.”
But Jasper’s brother of sorts and the little vampire64 he loved were not like us; theyhunted the usual way. They could not be trusted around Bella.
“When?” I demanded.
She pursed her lips unhappily, but told me what I needed to know. Mondaymorning. No one is going to hurt Bella.
“No,” I agreed, and then turned away from her. “You ready, Emmett?”
“I thought we were leaving in the morning?”
“We’re coming back by midnight Sunday. I guess it’s up to you when you wantto leave.”
“Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first.”
“Sure.” With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a short goodbye.
You really have lost it, Edward, he thought as he headed toward the back door.
“I suppose I have.”
“Play the new song for me, one more time,” Esme asked.
“If you’d like that,” I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to itsunavoidable end—the end that had set me aching in unfamiliar65 ways. I thought for amoment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty musicstand. That helped a bit—my little memento66 of her yes.
I nodded to myself, and started playing.
Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.
“Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food?” I called to Emmett.
“Oh, hey Edward!” he shouted back, grinning and waving at me. The bear tookadvantage of his distraction67 to rake its heavy paw across Emmett’s chest. The sharpclaws shredded68 through his shirt, and squealed69 across his skin.
The bear bellowed70 at the high-pitched noise.
Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!
Emmett roared back at the enraged72 animal.
I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder73. This might take awhile.
But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with anotherswipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back.
The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launchedhimself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind26 legs, and their bodiesfell to the ground tangled74 up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. Thebear’s growls75 cut off with a gurgle.
A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. Hisshirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied76, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curlyhair wasn’t in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.
“That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me.”
“You’re such a child, Emmett.”
He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. “Weren’t you able to track downthat mountain lion, then?”
“Of course I was. I just don’t eat like a savage77.”
Emmett laughed his booming laugh. “I wish they were stronger. It would bemore fun.”
“No one said you had to fight your food.”
“Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose neverwants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it.”
“Life is hard all around, isn’t it?”
Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised78 totake a charge.
“C’mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair.”
“It doesn’t turn off,” I reminded him.
“Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out?” Emmett mused79. “Maybeshe could give me some pointers.”
My good humor vanished. “Stay away from her,” I growled80 through my teeth.
I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.
“Sorry. I know you’re going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not betoo much of an insensitive jerk, but, since that’s sort of my natural state…”
He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face.
So serious all the time. What’s bugging82 you now?
“Thinking about her. Well, worrying, really.”
“What’s there to worry about? You are here.” He laughed loudly.
I ignored his joke again, but answered his question. “Have you ever thoughtabout how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to amortal?”
“Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn’t much match for abear that first time around, was I?”
“Bears,” I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. “That would be just her luck,wouldn’t it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella.”
Emmett chuckled. “You sound like a crazy person, do you know that?”
“Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she couldrun into a bear…or get hit by a car…or lightening…or fall down stairs…or get sick—geta disease!” The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out—they’dbeen festering inside me all weekend. “Fires and earthquakes and tornados83! Ugh!
When’s the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things thathappen to them? Burglaries and homicides…” My teeth clenched together, and I wasabruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldn’t breathe.
“Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, kid. She lives in Forks, remember? So she getsrained on.” He shrugged84.
“I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. Look at the evidence.
Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires85 makeup86 a significant portion of the population.”
“Yeah, but we’re vegetarians87. So isn’t that good luck, not bad?”
“With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then, more bad luck, the way shesmells to me.” I glowered at my hands, hating them again.
“Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle.
Good luck again.”
“The van?”
“That was just an accident.”
“You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again. I swear, it waslike she had some kind of magnetic pull.”
“But you were there. That was good luck.”
“Was it? Isn’t this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have—to have avampire fall in love with them?”
Emmett considered that quietly for a moment. He pictured the girl in his head,and found the image uninteresting. Honestly, I can’t really see the draw.
“Well, I can’t really see Rosalie’s allure88, either,” I said rudely. “Honestly, sheseems like more work than any pretty face is worth.”
Emmett chuckled. “I don’t suppose you’d tell me…”
“I don’t know what her problem is, Emmett,” I lied with a sudden, wide grin.
I saw his intent in time to brace89 myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, andthere was a loud cracking sound as a fissure90 opened in the stone between us.
“Cheater,” he muttered.
I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction.
He was picturing Bella’s face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes brightred…“No,” I said, my voice strangled.
“It solves your worries about mortality, doesn’t it? And then you wouldn’t wantto kill her, either. Isn’t that the best way?”
“For me? Or for her?”
“For you,” he answered easily. His tone added the of course.
I laughed humorlessly. “Wrong answer.”
“I didn’t mind so much,” he reminded me.
“Rosalie did.”
He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if itmeant she could be human again. Even Emmett.
“Yeah, Rose did,” he acquiesced91 quietly.
“I can’t… I shouldn’t… I’m not going to ruin Bella’s life. Wouldn’t you feel thesame, if it were Rosalie?”
Emmett thought about that for a moment. You really…love her?
“I can’t even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this girl’s the whole world tome. I don’t see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore.”
But you won’t change her? She won’t last forever, Edward.
And, as you’ve pointed93 out, she’s sort of breakable.
“Trust me—that I know, too.”
Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte94. Hestruggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.
Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love her…wouldn’t you want to, welltouch her…?
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard timeunderstanding how one could love, without that aspect.
I sighed. “I can’t even think of that, Emmett.”
Wow. So what are your options, then?
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I’m trying to figure out a way to…to leave her. Ijust can’t fathom95 how to make myself stay away…”
With a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was right for me tostay—at least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way. She was safer with mehere, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone. For the moment, I could be herunlikely protector.
The thought made me anxious; I itched71 to be back so that I could fill that role foras long as possible.
Emmett noticed the change in my expression. What are you thinking about?
“Right now,” I admitted a bit sheepishly, “I’m dying to run back to Forks andcheck on her. I don’t know if I’ll make it till Sunday night.”
“Uh-uh! You are not going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit.
Please! For my sake.”
“I’ll try to stay,” I said doubtfully.
Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket. “Alice would call if there were any basisfor your panic attack. She’s as weird about this girl as you are.”
I grimaced at that. “Fine. But I’m not staying past Sunday.”
“There’s no point in hurrying back—it’s going to be sunny, anyway. Alice saidwe were free from school until Wednesday.”
“Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves.”
“I really don’t care, Emmett. With Bella’s luck, she’ll go wandering off into thewoods at exactly the wrong moment and—” I flinched. “Peter isn’t known for his self-control. I’m going back Sunday.”
Emmett sighed. Exactly like a crazy person.
Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Mondaymorning. I’d remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of myway.
I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that she’d had a lessrestless night than the last time I was here. She had her hands folded under her cheek likea small child, and her mouth was slightly open. I could hear her breath moving slowly inand out between her lips.
It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again. I realized that Iwasn’t truly at ease unless that was the case. Nothing was right when I was away fromher.
Not that all was right when I was with her, either, though. I sighed, letting thethirst fire rake through my throat. I’d been away from it too long. The time spentwithout pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now. It was bad enough that Iwas afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wantedto know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I letmyself get that close to her, I would want to be closer still… Her lips looked very soft and warm. I could imagine touching them with the tipof my finger. Just lightly…That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid.
My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes. Mortalschanged all the time—I was sad at the thought of missing anything…I thought she looked…tired. Like she hadn’t gotten enough sleep this weekend.
Had she gone out?
I laughed silently and wryly97 at how much that upset me. So what if she had? Ididn’t own her. She wasn’t mine.
No, she wasn’t mine—and I was sad again.
One of her hands twitched98, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healedscrapes across the heel of her palm. She’d been hurt? Even though it was obviously nota serious injury, it still disturbed me. I considered the location, and decided99 she musthave tripped. That seemed a reasonable explanation, all things considered.
It was comforting to think that I wouldn’t have to puzzle over either of thesesmall mysteries forever. We were friends now—or, at least, trying to be friends. I couldask her about her weekend—about the beach, and whatever late night activity had madeher look so weary. I could ask what had happened to her hands. And I could laugh alittle when she confirmed my theory about them.
I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she had fallen in the ocean. Iwondered if she’d had a pleasant time on the outing. I wondered if she’d thought aboutme at all. If she’d missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that I’d missed her.
I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach. The picture was incomplete, though,because I’d never been to First Beach myself. I only knew how it looked in pictures…I felt a tiny qualm of unease as I thought about the reason why I’d never oncebeen to the pretty beach located just a few minutes run from my home. Bella had spentthe day at La Push—a place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go. A place where a fewold men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them.
A place where our secret was known…I shook my head. I had nothing to worry about there. The Quileutes were boundby treaty, too. Even had Bella run into one of those aging sages100, they could reveal nothing. And why would the subject ever be broached101? Why would Bella think to voiceher curiosity there? No—the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have toworry about.
I was angry with the sun when it began to rise. It reminded me that I could notsatisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?
With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to seeme here. I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, butwhen I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on thetrail there.
I followed it quickly, curiously102, becoming more and more worried as it led deeperinto the darkness. What had Bella been doing out here?
The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. She’d gone justa few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where she’d touched the trunk of a fallen tree.
Perhaps sat there…I sat where she had, and looked around. All she would have been able to see wasferns and forest. It had probably been raining—the scent was washed out, having neverset deeply into the tree.
Why would Bella have come to sit here alone—and she had been alone, no doubtabout that—in the middle of the wet, murky forest?
It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bringthis up in casual conversation.
So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your roomwhere I’d been watching you sleep… Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker.
I would never know what she’d been thinking and doing here, and that had myteeth grinding together in frustration103. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I’dimagined for Emmett—Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would callto anyone who had the senses to track it…I groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it.
Well, for this moment she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her fromharm, for as long as I could justify104 it.
I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make anextended stay.
第七章 旋律
我回到学校后，不得不待在车里等着。还没到放学时间。这很好，因为我需要一个人待一会儿，好好想一想。
她的气味还在车厢里萦绕不散。我把车窗关上，让这气味向我猛然袭来，努力去习惯我喉咙里的火焰带给我的感觉。
吸引力。
这个问题真的很难说清楚。它有那么多的侧面，有不同的含义和层次。吸引力跟爱不一样，可两者是紧密相连的。
我不清楚贝拉对我是否有吸引力。（她思想里的沉默会不会继续下去，令我越来沮丧，直至把我逼疯？还是说我最终会忍无可忍？）我试图将她的身体反应跟其他人比较，譬如那个秘书和杰西卡?史丹利，不过比较不出什么结论。那些相同的身体特征——心跳和呼吸频率的改变——能够被解读为感兴趣，同样也能够轻易地理解为恐惧、震惊或是焦虑。贝拉似乎不大可能会拥有像杰西卡?史丹利那样的想法。
毕竟，贝拉很清楚我身上的异样，纵然她还不知道那究竟是什么。她已经接触过我冰冷的皮肤，并因那股寒冷而猛地把手抽离。
可是……在我回想起那些我过去十分排斥的幻想时，我将贝拉放到了杰西卡的位置上。
我的呼吸变得更急促了，火焰从我的喉咙窜起，然后往下蔓延。
如果这是贝拉的想像，那又会怎么样？要是她想像我的手臂环抱住她纤弱的身体，要是她感觉到我把她拉进怀里，紧紧地靠在我的胸前，用我的手托起她的下巴呢？要是我把她那厚厚的长发从她红扑扑的脸蛋上拨开呢？要是我用我的指尖放在她丰满的唇瓣上，仔细描摹它的形状呢？要是我俯下脸靠近她的脸蛋，近到让我能感觉到她呼出来的热吹拂到我的唇上呢？
要是我越靠越近……但紧接着我就从这个白日梦中退缩了，我很清楚，一如当杰西卡在想像这些情景时一样，如果我那样靠近贝拉会发生什么事情。
吸引力真是叫人左右为难，因为我早就以最坏的方式被贝拉深深吸引住了。
我希望贝拉被我吸引吗，以一个女人对男人的方式？
这么问是错的。正确的问法是，我应该希望贝拉以那种方式被我吸引吗？答案是“不”。因为我不是人类，这对她不公平。
我全身上下的每一寸肌理都在渴望成为人类，这样我就能够把她抱在怀里，而不会让她冒生命危险。那样我就能尽情遐想，而这些想像不会以我的双手沾满她的鲜血、我的双眼被她的鲜血染得通红的可怕景象作为结局。
我对她的追求错得离谱，毫无辩护余地。我能给她哪种关系呢，当我连碰一碰她都是一种冒 险？
我把头埋进我的掌心。
我更迷惘了，因为在我整个人生当中，我从未感觉自己这么像一个人类——即使是在我还能回想起自己还是一个人类的时候。当我还是一个人类时，我当时所有的想法就是去当兵，那对我来说是一种荣耀。我的青春期几乎都在第一次世界大战中渡过，当西班牙流感爆发时，距离我十八岁生日只有九个月……我对那段人类岁月只有一些模糊的印象，而随着每一个十年的过去，那些模糊的记忆变得越来越遥远。我记得最清楚的是我的母亲，当我想起她的脸容时，我便感受到一阵古老的疼痛。我还能隐约回想起她对我迫不及待想要加入的未来是多么的痛恨，每天晚上在吃饭前，她都会祈祷那场“可怕的战争”能够结束……除了我母亲的爱之外，再也没有别的爱让我希望自己能继续做一个人类……这样的感觉对我而言完全是崭新的。我根本找不到类似的对照物。
我能充分感受到我对贝拉的爱，可横在我面前的是一片漆黑的海洋。我非常渴望能够去碰一碰她。她也会有跟我同样的想法吗？
那没什么要紧，我说服自己。
我盯着我苍白的双手，憎恨着他们的坚硬、他们的冰冷、他们的非人类的力量…… 当乘客座位的门打开时，我被吓了一跳。
（哈，吓了你一跳。那还是头一回啊。）爱美特钻进位子，一边想道。“我敢打赌高尔夫人一定认为你跑去吸毒了，你最近都古古怪怪的。你今天去哪儿了？”
“我做好事去了。”
（啊？）我轻声笑道：“我照料病人去了，就是这么回事。”
这让他更糊涂了，不过紧接着他吸了一口气，发现了车厢中的气味。
“哦，又是那个女孩？”
我做了个鬼脸。
（真是越来越古怪了。）“说说看。”我咕哝了一声。
他又吸了一口气。“嗯，不过她味道还真不错，不是吗？”
在我还没有完全弄明白他这句话的意思之前，一声咆哮已经从我嘴里迸发出来，那完全是一种下意识的反应。
“放轻松，小子，我只是随便说说。”
然后，其他人到了。罗莎莉立刻就发现了那股气味并且怒目瞪视着我，她的火气还没消。我想知道她究竟有什么问题，不过我能从她那儿听到的都是辱骂。
我也不喜欢贾斯帕的反应。像爱美特一样，他也注意到了贝拉的吸引力。虽然她的血对他们俩的吸引力只有对我的千分之一。可她的血对他们来说香甜芬芳，这还是令我不安。贾斯帕的自控力可不怎么好……爱丽丝跳到我旁边的位子上，伸出手向我要贝拉卡车的钥匙。
“我只看见我要去干什么。”她含糊不清地说道，这是她的习惯。“不过你得告诉我理由。”
“这并不意味着——”
“我知道，我知道，我会等的。反正也等不了多久。”
我叹了口气，把钥匙给她。
我跟随她去到贝拉家。雨哗哗地下着，雨声是如此响亮，贝拉那人类的耳朵大概听不见卡车雷鸣般的引擎声。我看着她的窗户，可她没有探出头来往外看。很可能她不在那儿。那里听不见任何想法。
爱丽丝爬进后座，我们加速开回家。路上没有什么车，我们只花了几分钟就到家了。我们进了屋，然后各自找乐子打发时间。
爱美特和贾斯帕正忙于一场精心制作的象棋比赛，利用八个连在一起的木制棋盘——棋盘挨着那堵玻璃墙一路铺开——他们自己制定出复杂的游戏规则。他们不会让我玩；除了爱丽丝，没有人肯跟我下象棋。
爱丽丝走向她的电脑，它们放在拐角处，我听见机器嗡嗡地发出声音运转起来。爱丽丝目前正致力于为罗莎莉设计她的全部衣服，不过罗莎莉今天没有加入她，平时她都会站在爱丽丝身后，当爱丽丝的手在可触式屏幕上描绘服装样式和颜色时提供指导意见。（由于那些屏幕大部分是感温的，卡莱尔和我不得不改动了一下程序）今天罗莎莉一脸阴沉地靠在沙发上，对着纯平电视一刻不停地在一秒钟内匆匆转过二十个台。我听见她正盘算着要不要去车库再次调试她的BMW。
爱斯梅在楼上，忙于一组新的设计图。
过了一会儿，爱丽丝把脑袋朝玻璃墙后探过去，用口型向贾斯帕透露爱美特下一步棋——爱美特坐在地板上，背对着她——于是贾斯帕不动声色地吃掉了爱美特的马。
而我呢，长久来还是第一次（这让我感到不好意思），走过去坐在那架精美的三角钢琴前，钢琴就摆放在入口通道前。
我的手轻柔地在琴键上练习指法，测试音调。音色依然很完美。
楼上，爱斯梅停下她手里的活，侧耳倾听。
我开始弹奏第一组曲调，就是今天在车子里浮现在我脑海中的旋律，让我高兴的是，它们听起来比我想像的更美。
（爱德华又开始弹琴了，）爱斯梅快活地想道，脸上绽开了笑容。她从书桌旁站起身，悄然掠到楼梯口。
我加入了和弦，让主旋律贯穿其中。
爱斯梅心满意足地叹息着，她在最上面一级楼梯上坐下来，把头探出栏杆。一支（新曲子。
这么久了。多美的曲子啊。）我把音乐导向一个新的方向，以低音伴奏。
（爱德华又再作曲了？）罗莎莉想道，恨得咬牙切齿。
就在那一瞬间，她疏忽了一下，让我看到她那深藏在心底的激愤。我总算弄明白她为什么那么生我气了。明白到为什么杀死伊莎贝拉?斯旺不会让她良心上过意不去。
罗莎莉总是那么虚荣。
音乐猛地打住，我还没来得及忍住，就笑了出来，我连忙用手捂住嘴，可还是让笑声漏了出 来。
罗莎莉转而怒目瞪视着我，懊恼加暴怒让她眼睛里迸射出火花。
爱美特和贾斯帕也转而盯着我，我听到爱美特被弄糊涂了。爱斯梅瞬间移动到楼下，眼睛在我和罗莎莉之间扫来扫去。
“别停，爱德华。”在一瞬间的紧张过后，爱斯梅鼓励我说。
我又开始弹奏起来，我转身背对着罗莎莉，竭力想要控制自己别咧开嘴笑，可我的脸已经拉长了。她站起身，大步走出房间，愤怒多于尴尬。可无疑她感到十分尴尬。
（你要是敢说一个字，我就跟你没完！）我憋住另一阵笑。
“怎么啦，罗斯？”爱美特在后面叫她。罗莎莉没有回头。她背脊僵硬地径直走向车库，然后扭动着身躯钻到车子底下，好像巴不得把自己埋在那儿。
“发生什么事啦？”爱美特问我。
“我也摸不着头脑。”我撒了个谎。
爱美特咕哝了一声，感到沮丧。
“接着弹呀。”爱斯梅鼓动我。我的手又停下来了。
这支曲子很迷人，但还没有完成。我漫不经心地把玩着那几段旋律，可不知怎的总感觉不满意。
“太美啦。它有名字吗？”爱斯梅问道。
“还没有。”我将几组旋律编排好。于是，它们便如行云流水一般从我指下滑出，仿佛拥有了自己的生命力一样。
“这里面有什么故事吗？”她问道，语气里含着笑意。这支曲子给她带来极大的快乐，我感到负疚，我很久都没有弹琴了。那太自私了。
“它是一支摇篮曲，我想。”
“一支摇篮曲。”她重复这句话。
这曲子有一个故事，这个故事是关于一个沉睡的女孩躺在一张小床上，她那浓密的黑发犹如海藻一般，卷曲地披散在枕头上。
爱丽丝让贾斯帕自己去玩，走过来挨着我坐在长凳上，用她那迷人的女高音哼唱，她的声音比曲调高了八度。
“我挺喜欢的。”我低声道。“不过这个怎么样？”
我的十指在键盘上飞舞，把全部片段连起来——稍微修改了一下，让它呈现出一种新的曲风……她把握住了这种情感，和着音乐唱起来。
“是的。完美极了。”我说道。
爱斯梅亲切地拥住我的肩膀。
可我现在能看见这首曲子的结尾了，随着爱丽丝将歌声拔高到琴声之上，将旋律引向另一个方向。我能看到这首曲子最终的必然结局，因为那个沉睡的女孩是那样安详、甜美，任何改变对她而言都是一种错误，是一种悲伤。当我意识到这一点时，琴声也随之慢下来，变得低沉。爱丽丝的声音也低沉下来，变得庄严肃穆，更像是在教堂烛光前庄严圣歌的回音。
我弹下最后一个音符，然后俯下头，伏在键盘上。
爱斯梅轻轻抚摸着我的头发。（一切都会好起来的，爱德华。事情一定会有一个完美结局。你理应得到幸福，爱德华。这是命运亏欠你的。）“谢谢。”我低声说，我也希望自己能够相信她的话。
（爱情总不会一帆风顺。）我笑了，却不感到幽默。
（你呀，是这世上最出类拔萃的人，你一定能够解决这个难题。在我们所有人里，你最优秀，最聪明。）我叹了口气。所有母亲都是这么看自己儿子的。
爱斯梅依然满心欢喜，这么久以来，我终于心动了，不管这将导致怎样的悲剧。她还以为我会一直孤身一人……（她一定也会爱上你的，）她突然涌起这样的念头，她的想法让我感到惊讶。（如果她是一个聪明的女孩，）她微笑着，（我可想像不出还有谁会这么迟钝，竟然能不被你吸引。）“别说了，妈妈，你让我脸红了。”我开玩笑地说。她的话，虽然不大可能，还是让我为之精神一振。
爱丽丝笑了，弹出了“全心全意”这首曲子的开头。我莞尔一笑，跟她一块弹奏。为了哄她开心，我接着又给她弹了一首“筷子”。
她咯咯一笑，然后叹了口气。“我真希望你能告诉我你刚才为什么笑罗莎莉？”爱丽丝问道。
“可我看得出来你是不会说的。”
“对。”
她用手指轻弹我的耳朵。
“好啦，爱丽丝。”爱斯梅责备她。“爱德华想做一名绅士。”
“可我想弄清楚啊。”
然后我说道，“听听这个，爱斯梅。”我开始弹奏她最喜欢的那首曲子，这首曲子没有名字，那是我在多年以前为她和卡莱尔之间的爱情而写下的一首颂歌。
“谢谢你，亲爱的。”她再次拥住我的肩膀。
我并没有把心思放在这首熟悉的曲子上。我想起了罗莎莉，她这会儿还在车子底下扭动着身躯，简直像羞愧欲死一样，我暗暗好笑。
我刚刚才体验到妒忌的力量，这让我多少有点同情她了。这种感觉很不愉快。当然喽，她的妒忌要比我的小气得多。就跟那只吃不了葡萄的狐狸一样。
我想知道，如果罗莎莉不是那个永远最美的人，她的人生和性格又会有怎样的不同。如果美丽不是她一直以来的优势，那她会不会变得更快乐一点呢？变得没那么以自我为中心？多一点同情心？唉，我猜这么想是没有意义的，因为过去的已经过去了，而且她将永远是最美丽的那一个。即使还是身为人类时，她也总是生活在聚光灯下。她一点儿也不介意这样的生活。
相反——她喜欢人们的赞美，超过其他所有一切。这点并不因为她获得永生而改变。
那样看来，这也就顺理成章了，她以为所有男性都会为她的美丽而倾倒，可我却从一开始就没有这样，这便大大地冒犯了她。这并不是说她想要我——她根本没这意思。尽管如此，我不想要她这一点还是让她非常恼火。她太习惯人家要她啦。
卡莱尔和贾斯帕却不同——他们都已经各有所爱。我则从来没有动过心，可依然对她的美丽不为所动，而且一直顽固不化。
我还以为这股古老的怨恨已经被埋葬。过了那么久，她已经忘怀了。
她本来是不再耿耿于怀了……直到某天我终于被某个人的美丽打动，而这一点她却没能做到。
罗莎莉一直坚信，如果我没有被她的美丽所倾倒，那么这世上肯定再也没有别的美丽可以打 动我。从我救下贝拉那一刻起，她就勃然大怒，她猜到了，凭着她敏锐的女性直觉，我对贝拉产生了兴趣，而这点当时连我自己都没意识到。
对罗莎莉来说，我居然觉得某个毫无价值的人类女孩比她更有吸引力，这简直是不共戴天之仇。
我强压下了另一阵大笑。
不过，她看贝拉的方式，多少让我恼火。罗莎莉真的认为那个女孩很普通。她怎么能那么想呢？这对我来说是难以理解的。肯定是因为嫉妒，毫无疑问。
“哦，”爱丽丝唐突地说，“贾斯帕，猜猜看发生了什么事？”
我看见了她刚刚预见到的事，我的手在键盘上僵住了。
“什么事，爱丽丝？”贾斯帕问道。
“彼特和夏洛特下星期会来这里。他们会到这儿附近来，真是太好了。”
“怎么啦，爱德华？”爱斯梅问道，感觉到了我肩膀的紧张。
“彼特和夏洛特要来福克斯？”我冲爱丽丝嘘声道。
她转动着眼睛看着我。“冷静点儿，爱德华。他们又不是第一次来。”
我咬紧牙齿。自从贝拉来到福克斯后，他们这是第一次来，而且她的血并不只是对我有吸引力。
爱丽丝冲我的表情皱眉。“他们从不在这儿捕猎。你是知道的。”
可那位跟贾斯帕勉强算是兄弟之交的家伙，还有他所爱的那个小吸血鬼可不像我们；他们像一般吸血鬼那样捕猎。让他们出现在贝拉周围，我可不放心。
“什么时候？”我想要知道。
她不悦地嘟起嘴，可还是告诉我我需要获悉的东西。（星期一早上。没有人会伤害贝拉的。）“是的。”我表示同意，然后转身背对她。“你准备好了吗，爱美特？”
“我还以为我们明天早上才出发呢。”
“我们要在星期天的午夜回来。
“噢，那好吧。我要先跟罗斯告别。”
“当然。”就罗莎莉现在的心情推算，那将是一个短暂的告别。
（你真的是丧失理智啦，爱德华。）他边想边走向后门。
“我猜也是。”
“再给我弹一次那首新曲子吧。”爱斯梅请求。
“只要你喜欢。”我同意了，然而我有那么一点迟疑，我将不得不弹到曲子的结尾部分——那个结尾带给我一种陌生的心痛。我出了一会儿神，然后从口袋里掏出那只瓶盖，把它放在空荡荡的乐谱架上。这多少可以慰藉我的痛苦——一个小小的纪念品，纪念她对我说“好的”。
我冲自己点点头，然后开始弹奏。
爱斯梅和爱丽丝交换了一个眼神，可都没有开口问。
“难道没有人告诉过你别玩弄自己的食物吗？”我冲爱美特喊。
“哦，嘿爱德华！”他转身朝我大喊，咧开嘴笑着，一边向我挥手。尖锐的熊爪划破了他的衬衫，在划过他皮肤时发出尖利的响声。
（噢该死的，这件衬衫可是罗斯给我的。）爱美特冲着那头暴怒的猛兽大吼一声。
我叹了口气，坐在附近一块巨大岩石上。这可能还要花上一些时间。
可爱美特快完事了。那只黑熊吼叫着，爱美特笑着吼回它。然后他们一起倒在地上，纠缠在一起，把一棵大云杉压倒在身下。那只黑熊的咆哮声戛然而止，变为鲜血汩汩流出的声音。
几分钟过后，爱美特慢跑着来到我等他的地方。他的衬衫全毁了，撕成破布，沾满血迹、树液和黑熊的毛皮。他的黑色鬈发乱蓬蓬的，乐得嘴都合不拢。
“这只很强壮。当它抓过来时我能感觉到。”
“你太孩子气了，爱美特。”
他看向我那整整齐齐、干干净净的白色领口。“那么，你捕到美洲狮了吗？”
“我当然捕到了，我只是不想吃得像个野蛮人。”
爱美特哈哈大笑。“我希望它们能更强壮一些。这会更好玩。”
“没人说过你得和自己的食物作战。”
“是啊，可我还能跟谁作战呢？你和爱丽丝都爱骗人，罗莎莉从来不想把头发弄乱，还有，如果我和贾斯帕真的打起来的话，爱斯梅会疯掉。”
“生活总不能事事顺心，不是吗？”
爱美特冲我露齿一笑，改变了身体的重心，好让自己能在突然发起的进攻中占据有利形势。
“得了吧，爱德华。就把你的耳朵堵上一分钟，跟我来场公平战斗。”
“它没法堵上。”我提醒他。
“真想知道那个女孩是用什么办法把你挡住的？”爱美特沉吟道，“也许她能给我点提示。”
我的好心情突然不见了。“离她远点。”我从牙缝里咆哮。
“别生气，别生气嘛。”
我叹了口气。爱美特走过来，一起跟我坐在岩石上。
“对不起。我知道你眼下很不好过。我真的不想硬逼你动手，不过，谁叫我生性就是如此迟钝呢……”
他等着我对他的玩笑报以一笑，然后做了个鬼脸。
（老是那么严肃。你现在正烦恼什么？）“我在想她。噢，实际上是在担心。”
“那儿有什么好担心的？你人在这儿呢。”他大声笑出来。
我又对他的玩笑置之不理，不过回答了他的问题。“你曾经想过他们这些人类有多么脆弱吗？
想过在一个凡人身上会发生多少坏事吗？”
“我还真没想过。不过，我想我明白你的意思了。当我第一次遇到那只熊时，我根本就不是它的对手，你是指这类事情吗？”
“熊？”我咕哝了一声，往自己担心的一大堆事情上又添了一项。“她可能就会这么倒霉，不是吗？走失的熊来到镇上。当然它有可能会直奔贝拉那儿。”
爱美特轻声地笑。“你听起来就像个疯子，你自己知道吗？”
“想像一下罗莎莉是一个人类，哪怕是一分钟，爱美特。她可能会突然遇到一只熊……或者 被车撞到了……或者从楼梯上摔下来……或者生病了——得了一场重病！”这些话像暴雨一般噼里啪啦从我嘴里迸发出来。把它们说出来让我心里舒服了一些——整个周末它们都闷在我肚子里，快闷出病来了。“还有火灾、地震和龙卷风！你最后一次看新闻是在什么时候？你看见发生在他们身上种种坏事吗？入屋行窃、谋财害命……”我把牙齿咬得格格响，一想到其他人会伤害到她，我就怒气冲天，几乎无法呼吸。
“哇哇，打住，小子！她住在福克斯，还记得吗？她顶多就是被雨淋到罢了。”他耸耸肩。
“我认为她的运气很坏，爱美特，我真的这么认为。看看这些证据吧。她什么地方不好去，偏偏要到这儿来，到这个住着一群吸血鬼的地方来。”
“这倒也是，不过我们是吃素的。所以那应该是好运，而不是坏运气吧？”
“那她的气味呢？绝对是坏运气了吧。还有，更糟糕的是她的气味对我的吸引力。”我怒视着自己的双手，又憎恨起它们来。
“只可惜除了卡莱尔以外，你算是最有自控力的一个啦。还是好运气。”
“那辆货车呢？”
“那只是一次意外。”
“你应该看一看它向她撞过去的情景，噢，简直是一次又一次。我可以发誓，她就像一块磁铁似的把货车吸过去。”
“可当时你在那儿。那就是好运气。”
“这也算好运？这难道不是一个人类可能遇到的最坏的运气吗——被一个吸血鬼爱上了？”
爱美特静静地考虑了这个问题好一会儿。他在脑子里描绘那个女孩的样子，对她索然无趣。
（老实说，我真没看出她有什么吸引力。）“哦，我也看不出罗莎莉有什么魅力。”我粗鲁地说。“实话说吧，她好像太过注重外表的美丽啦。”
爱美特轻声地笑。“我猜不出你想告诉我……”
“我不知道她刚才是怎么回事，爱美特。”我突然咧开嘴大笑，撒谎道。
我及时看穿他的意图，并且把自己稳住。他企图把我从岩石上推开，“喇”一阵响声过后，我俩中间的岩石裂开了一条缝。
“骗子。”他咕哝了一声。
我等着他再试一次，可他想到另一件事情上了。他又在脑子里描绘贝拉的脸庞，不过这次他想像那张脸庞变成苍白，想像她的眼睛变成了鲜红色……“不。”我说道，我的语气就像要窒息一般。
“这么一来，你就可以不必担心她会死了，不是吗？而且你也不想杀死她。这不是最好的解决办法吗？”
“是为了我？还是为了她？”
“是为了你。”他轻而易举地就答道，一副理所当然的语气。
我笑了，却一脸严肃。“这是个错误的答案。”
“我可不怎么在乎。”他提醒我。
“罗莎莉在乎。”
他叹了口气。我和他都清楚，如果罗莎莉能够再次做回人类，她会不惜一切，放弃一切。甚至包括爱美特。
“是啊，罗莎莉在乎。”他平静地说道，勉强同意。
“我不能……我不该……我不想毁了贝拉的一生。如果换作是罗莎莉，你会不会也有同样的感受？”
爱美特想了好一会儿。（你真的……爱她？）“我也说不清楚，爱美特。一切都来得那么突然，这个女孩就是我的全部。如果没有她，这世界对我来说将失去意义。”
（可你不想改变她。她不可能永远活着，爱德华。）“这我知道。”我呻吟道。
（还有，正如你所说，她很脆弱。）“相信我，这点我很清楚。”
爱美特不太精于人情世故，而且这么纤细的讨论可不是他的强项。他这会儿正奋力想（你有没有碰过她？我的意思是，如果你爱她，你不会想要……嗯…碰她吗？）爱美特和罗莎莉尽情地享受俩人的鱼水之欢。他很难理解一个人怎么能够相爱却没有那方面的接触。
我叹了口气。“这点我连想都不敢想，爱美特。”
我叹了口气。“这点我连想都不敢想，爱美特。”
（哇噢，那你还有什么可以选择的？）“我不知道。”我嘀咕道。“我正极力找出一个办法去……离开她。我只是不知道怎么样才可以让自己离得开……”
我突然意识到这是可以让我留下来的理由——至少眼下是，因为皮特和夏洛特要到这里来。
暂时来说，她跟我在一起会更安全一点。目前，我是她的保护者。
这种想法让我焦躁起来。我浑身直痒痒，恨不得立刻赶回去，让自己担当好这个保护者的角色，只要可能，我希望能一直担当下去。
爱美特注意到了我表情的变化。（你在想什么？）“现在，”我有点羞怯地承认。“我很想回福克斯看看她是否平安。我不知道自己能不能等到周六晚上。”
“喔喔！你不能这么早回去。让罗莎莉稍微冷静一下吧。求你了，就算是为了我。”
“我会试着留下来的。”我不无怀疑地说。
爱美特轻轻拍了拍我口袋里的移动电话。“如果发生了什么让你担心的事，爱丽丝会打电话来的。她对这女孩的态度跟你一样古怪。”
我冲他做了个鬼脸。“好吧。不过我不会留到星期天。”
“根本没理由急着回去——不管怎么说，那天是个大晴天。爱丽丝说过我们要等到星期三才能回学校去。”
我强硬地摇头。
“皮特和夏洛特会规规矩矩的。”
“我不在乎他们守不守规矩，爱美特。以贝拉的坏运气，她很可能会在错误的时间里刚好在森林里迷路了，还有——”我畏缩了。“我们都知道，皮特可没什么自控力。我星期天就回去。”
爱美特叹了口气。（简直像个疯子一样。）在星期一的清晨，当我爬到贝拉卧室窗户外面时，她正安祥地睡着。这回我记得带上油了，窗户在我面前悄无声息地被推开。
她把两手叠放在胸前，就像一个孩子，嘴唇微微张开。我能听见她唇边一吸一吐的缓慢的呼吸声。
待在这儿，能再次见到她，竟然如此轻松，令我惊异。我意识到只有看见这幅景象，我才能真正感到轻松自在。而当我不在她身边时，一切都不对劲。
然而，这并不意味着当我和她在一起时，一切都会平安无事。我叹了口气，让那干渴的火苗窜过我的喉咙。我离开她太久了。
收听单词发音 |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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intentionally
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| ad.故意地，有意地 | |
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contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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frustrating
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| adj.产生挫折的，使人沮丧的，令人泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的现在分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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repulse
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| n.击退，拒绝；vt.逐退，击退，拒绝 | |
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flinched
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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daydream
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| v.做白日梦，幻想 | |
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dilemma
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| n.困境，进退两难的局面 | |
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fiber
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| n.纤维，纤维质 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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adolescence
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| n.青春期，青少年 | |
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influenza
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| n.流行性感冒，流感 | |
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murky
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| adj.黑暗的，朦胧的；adv.阴暗地，混浊地；n.阴暗；昏暗 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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erratic
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| adj.古怪的，反复无常的，不稳定的 | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inhaled
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| v.吸入( inhale的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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grimaced
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| v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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weird
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| adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的 | |
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mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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snarl
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| v.吼叫，怒骂，纠缠，混乱；n.混乱，缠结，咆哮 | |
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glowered
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| v.怒视( glower的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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sprawled
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| v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的过去式和过去分词)；蔓延；杂乱无序地拓展；四肢伸展坐着（或躺着） | |
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sullenly
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| 不高兴地，绷着脸，忧郁地 | |
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flipping
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| 讨厌之极的 | |
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tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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knight
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| n.骑士，武士；爵士 | |
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tuning
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| n.调谐，调整，调音v.调音( tune的现在分词 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调 | |
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joyously
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| ad.快乐地, 高兴地 | |
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bass
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| n.男低音(歌手)；低音乐器；低音大提琴 | |
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clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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underlying
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| adj.在下面的，含蓄的，潜在的 | |
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outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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chagrined
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| adj.懊恼的，苦恼的v.使懊恼，使懊丧，使悔恨( chagrin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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smothered
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| （使）窒息， （使）透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 )； 覆盖； 忍住； 抑制 | |
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grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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frustrated
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| adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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sketched
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| v.草拟（sketch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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descant
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| v.详论，絮说；n.高音部 | |
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realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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quandary
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| n.困惑，进迟两难之境 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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giggled
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| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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51
flicked
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| （尤指用手指或手快速地）轻击( flick的过去式和过去分词 )； （用…）轻挥； （快速地）按开关； 向…笑了一下（或瞥了一眼等） | |
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52
whining
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| n. 抱怨，牢骚 v. 哭诉，发牢骚 | |
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writhing
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的现在分词 ) | |
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54
mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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55
potency
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| n. 效力，潜能 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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scenario
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| n.剧本，脚本；概要 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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aggravated
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| 使恶化( aggravate的过去式和过去分词 )； 使更严重； 激怒； 使恼火 | |
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obstinately
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| ad.固执地，顽固地 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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vampire
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| n.吸血鬼 | |
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unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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memento
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| n.纪念品，令人回忆的东西 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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shredded
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| shred的过去式和过去分词 | |
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squealed
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| v.长声尖叫，用长而尖锐的声音说( squeal的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bellowed
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| v.发出吼叫声，咆哮（尤指因痛苦）( bellow的过去式和过去分词 )；（愤怒地）说出（某事），大叫 | |
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itched
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| v.发痒( itch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 )； 歜； 激愤 | |
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boulder
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| n.巨砾；卵石，圆石 | |
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tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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growls
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的第三人称单数 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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bloodied
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| v.血污的( bloody的过去式和过去分词 )；流血的；屠杀的；残忍的 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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poised
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| a.摆好姿势不动的 | |
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mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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touchy
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| adj.易怒的；棘手的 | |
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bugging
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| [法] 窃听 | |
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tornados
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| n.龙卷风，旋风( tornado的名词复数 ) | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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vampires
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| n.吸血鬼( vampire的名词复数 )；吸血蝠；高利贷者；（舞台上的）活板门 | |
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makeup
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| n.组织；性格；化装品 | |
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vegetarians
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| n.吃素的人( vegetarian的名词复数 )；素食者；素食主义者；食草动物 | |
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allure
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| n.诱惑力，魅力；vt.诱惑，引诱，吸引 | |
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brace
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| n. 支柱,曲柄,大括号; v. 绷紧,顶住,(为困难或坏事)做准备 | |
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fissure
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| n.裂缝；裂伤 | |
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acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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forte
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| n.长处，擅长；adj.(音乐)强音的 | |
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fathom
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| v.领悟，彻底了解 | |
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rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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wryly
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| adv. 挖苦地，嘲弄地 | |
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98
twitched
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| vt.& vi.（使）抽动，（使）颤动（twitch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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99
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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100
sages
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| n.圣人( sage的名词复数 )；智者；哲人；鼠尾草（可用作调料） | |
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101
broached
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| v.谈起( broach的过去式和过去分词 )；打开并开始用；用凿子扩大（或修光）；（在桶上）钻孔取液体 | |
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102
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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103
frustration
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| n.挫折，失败，失效，落空 | |
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104
justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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