The police court room of Glucom was seldom a busy place, and as a rule the police magistrate1 had little to do. A few drunks generally made up the list for the week, with an occasional family "affair" to add a little spice of excitement. It was, therefore, a welcome relief to the monotony when Abner Andrews was brought into court, and charged with assault upon the Editor of The Live Wire.
Abner felt keenly the position in which he was placed as he stood in the dock and listened to the words of the sergeant2 who had arrested him. He realized how serious was the nature of the charge against him, and he clutched the rail of the dock firmly with both hands and carefully studied the face of the magistrate. He did not regret what he had done, neither was he much concerned about himself. It was of those at home he thought, for he knew how badly they would feel, and how they would worry when they heard of his arrest. He was anxious, too, about his wife. He surmised4 that something unusual had happened to her, otherwise that scurrilous5 article would not have appeared in the paper.
"You have heard the charge, Mr. Andrews?" It was the magistrate now speaking. "Do you plead 'Guilty' or 'Not Guilty'?"
"Not guilty, ye'r Honor," was the prompt reply.
"Not guilty!" the magistrate repeated in surprise. "Why do you say that? Didn't you make an assault upon Joseph Preston this morning?"
"Ye bet I did, and gave him a lickin' he won't fergit to the end of his days."
"Well, then, if you acknowledge all that, why do you plead 'Not guilty'?"
"But I'm not guilty. I don't feel one bit guilty. My conscience doesn't bother me any more'n if I'd beat up a skunk7 that was after my chickens. Joe got jist what was comin' to him. Somebody had to do it sooner or later, and that's all there is about it."
If it had been anyone else than Aimer Andrews the magistrate would have remanded him at once. But in truth he felt a certain sympathy for the prisoner, as he well knew that Joe Preston had merely received a just punishment. He himself had often mentally vowed8 vengeance9 upon the editor for his mean attacks upon him as police magistrate. But he had the dignity of his position to maintain, and it would not do for him to give expression to his feelings, especially in the court room, of all places.
"Did you not take a mean advantage of Mr. Preston?" he presently asked. "You gave him no chance, so I understand, but sprang upon him and hit him while he was sitting at his desk. Wasn't that rather a mean thing to do?"
"Mean! Isn't there different ways of hittin', ye'r Honor? Some hit with their eyes, an' some with their tongues. But Joe Preston hits with that dirty sheet of his."
"And you hit with your fists, eh?"
"I sartinly do when it's necessary."
"They get you into a lot of trouble, don't they?"
"Mebbe so. But they save me from a darn lot of trouble, too. I'm nat'rally a man of peace, an' mind me own bizness, but when a critter like Joe Preston hits me a mean, nasty cut below the belt, well, he won't do it no more. It saves one from doin' it to others, that's all."
The magistrate stroked his chin as he thoughtfully mused10 for a few seconds. He was thinking of a story he would have to tell his wife when he went home to dinner.
"But why did you take matters into your own hands?" he asked. "You might have brought in an action for libel and receive damages."
"Receive damages! Good Lord! That's what I was afraid of. If I'd gone to law with Joe Preston I wouldn't have had a ghost of a chance, an' you know it. So that's why I was anxious fer Joe to receive all the damages straight from my shoulder, an' with my special compliments. He's welcome to sich damages, an' I guess they're the only kind he understands."
"Perhaps your damages are yet to come," was the magistrate's reminder11. "Mr. Preston is not likely to forget the injuries he has received, that is, providing he recovers."
A startled expression came into Abner's eyes at these words.
"Won't he recover?" he asked. "He's not as bad as that, is he?"
"The doctors are not certain, so I understand. Preston received a nasty blow on the head when he fell against the desk. If he doesn't get better it will go hard with you. But there, I guess that is all for to-day. I shall have to remand you. I am sorry, but I cannot help it."
"Surely ye'r not goin' to send me back to that hole agin, are ye?" Abner anxiously asked. "Why it's not a fit place fer a dog, let alone a human bein'. There's a drunken brute12 in the cell next to mine who's cuttin' up pretty lively."
"I can't help it, Mr. Andrews. You'll have to stay there unless you get someone to bail13 you out."
"Bail me out! Good heavens! De ye think I'm a leaky old boat, or a tub, an' need to be baled out?"
"It's not that kind I mean," the magistrate explained. He would have another good story to tell his wife.
"Well, then, ye must think I've got water on the brain, or I'm a bloomin' watered-stock company."
"I guess you know what I mean," and the magistrate smiled. "You're not so thick-headed as you try to make out."
"I ought to be pretty thick-headed, ye'r Honor. Wouldn't anyone be that way with more'n a dozen heads on his shoulders?"
"A dozen heads!"
"Sure. Sometimes I'm Abner Andrews, of Ash Pint14, an' agin I'm old Baron15 Rothschild, the Dook of Wellington, or some other guy. I guess I was the Dook all right when I walked over Joe Preston, though now I feel like old Boney Part when he was on that Island."
The magistrate looked curiously16 at the prisoner.
"Don't you often get mixed up?" he asked.
"Should say so. I'm never jist sure who I am. It gives me a lot of trouble."
"Well, if that's the way you feel, Mr. Andrews, I think the proper place for you to be is the lunatic asylum17 and not here. Anyway, we've got you now, and so must keep you for a while. Sergeant, you may take the prisoner down," he added, turning to the officer who had been standing18 quietly by during this interview.
During the rest of the morning Abner paced up and down the room adjoining his cell. He knew very well how people would regard his imprisonment19 and how most of them would say it served him right. He wondered how long he would have to stay in that hole. He had not the remotest hope of getting out on bail, for he knew of no one interested in his welfare who was able to put up the money whatever it might be. He thought, too, of Joe Preston. Suppose the man should die, what then? He would be tried for murder, perhaps convicted, and he would be either hung or given a life-sentence in the penitentiary20. The perspiration21 stood out in beads22 on his forehead as he thought of this, and it was a relief when the jailer brought him his dinner of bread and water.
"Is that the best this hotel kin6 afford?" he demanded, as he took the mean meal.
"Hotel! This is no hotel," was the curt23 reply. "This is the Klink, and that's the food fer birds that come here. It's more'n they deserve, too."
Abner stepped up close to, the iron grate, and looked fiercely at the jailor.
"De ye know who I am?" he roared.
"H'm, I have a pretty good idea."
"Ye think ye do, ye old goat. But I guess ye'r mistaken. I'm a public benefactor24, that's what I am."
"A public benefactor!"
"Sure. I did what many in this town were too cowardly to do. I gave Joe Preston the lickin' he desarved, an' this is the way I'm treated fer it. I can't eat this dry stuff. Hurry up an' bring me a piece of roast chicken, with all the fixin's an' some plum puddin', an' don't fergit the cigars, either. Them's the things fer a public benefactor."
Abner chuckled25 to himself as the jailor ambled26 away.
"They'll think I'm luney, fer sure, the magistrate, an' the hull27 dang bunch, an' mebbe they'll not be fer astray. What's the use of bein' a public benefactor if ye've got to eat this stuff?" He glanced at the bread he was holding in his hands. "Ugh! What trash! Heavy as lead, soggy, an' sure death. Well, I'm not goin' to commit suicide yit a while. The rats kin if they want to."
Tossing the bread into a corner of the room, he went into his narrow cell, and stretched himself out upon his hard rough cot.
"Might as well take life easy," he soliloquized. "What's the use of worryin', anyway. Guess a nap'll do me good."
He had no intention of sleeping and was quite surprised when he at length opened his eyes and saw a young man standing by his side.
"Where in h—l am I?" the visitor unceremoniously asked.
Abner looked curiously at the man without replying. He noted28 his bloodshot eyes, unshaven, haggard face, unkempt hair, and dirty, dishevelled clothes.
"Are you deaf?" the fellow demanded. "Didn't you hear what I said?"
"Oh, yes, I heard, all right," Abner drawled. "But I was merely tryin' to figger out what part of the hot place you've jist come from."
The wild-eyed youth emitted a hoarse29 mirthless laugh. "I certainly have come from a hot place, the hottest I ever struck."
"Well, ye don't tell! Ye sartinly look it. Run up aginst somethin' pretty hard, eh?"
"Should say so. Greatest ever. A hen, a real livin' hen in the shape of a woman; that's what it was."
"My, my," Abner commented, now becoming much interested. "An' de ye consider ye'rself a man to be knocked out by sich a critter?"
"But you should have seen her. My G—d, it was awful! When she caught me by the hair with both hands, and pulled with all her might, I was sure my neck would be broken or my head would come off.
"That sartinly was some doin's, young man."
"Indeed it was, ye bet ye'r boots. And when she added her blood-curdling screeches30 to her claws, I thought for sure a whole bunch of wild cats was on my back."
"Look here, young man," Abner remarked, rousing to a sitting position. "You've had the D.T.'s; that's what's wrong with you. Guess ye've been seein' things."
"But it's Gospel truth, I tell you," the other insisted. "It was only last night, when I was taking a joy-ride in Dimock's car that it happened. I only meant a little fun at the old hen's expense, but, Lord! it proved the other way round."
The mention of Dimock's car made Abner fully3 alert, and in an instant he surmised that this was the chauffeur31 who had run away with his wife. His first feeling was one of anger, accompanied by a strong impulse to give the fellow a threshing. He banished32 this idea, however, as another method of punishment flashed upon his mind.
"So ye got more'n ye looked fer, eh?" he at length queried33.
"Should say so. I didn't expect to find such a wild cat in that old hen."
"Easy, go easy there," Abner warned, as he slowly doubled up his fists. "Leave out all sich flourishes. They ain't becomin' when ye'r speakin' of a woman. Mebbe she's somebody's wife an' mother."
"I pity them, then, whoever they are," the young man replied. "Why, that she-devil ought to be put in a cage and placed on exhibition. When the car went into the ditch, because I couldn't see to steer34, she bounded out like a rocket, seized a stick, and flew upon me like a whirlwind. My head and body are black and blue from her blows. It's a wonder I'm alive to tell the story."
"It sartinly is, young man, it sartinly is," Abner assented35. "Ye'r lucky to be alive, though perhaps it'd have been better if she'd finished ye outright36."
"I almost wish she had," was the mournful agreement. "I'm sick, nearly dead, and in jail, as far as I can see."
"Oh, cheer up, young man, ye'r troubles are jist beginnin'. The worst is yit to come. Ye'r in jail, all right, an' most likely ye'll stay here fer some time. But that ain't the worst that's comin' to ye."
"What do you mean?" and a look of fear came into the chauffeur's eyes.
"Oh, you'll find out later when the Queen of Sheby brings in damages. Then ye'll squirm, let me tell ye that."
"The Queen of Sheby! Who in the devil is she?"
"Why, the woman ye took fer a joy-ride last night. Ye see, she doesn't know much about autos. She's used to travellin' on camels, so I believe, an' they didn't go so fast."
"Travel on camels!" the other gasped37.
"Sure. She travelled over hundreds of miles on them hump-backed critters to see old King Solomon several thousand years ago."
"Say, what are you giving me?" the chauffeur demanded. "Do you think I'm a fool? That wild cat is no queen and never was. She's the wife of Abner Andrews, a queer cuss, so I've heard, who lives at Ash Point. Do you know him?"
"Y'bet I do. Better'n his own brother. I've known him fer several thousand years."
The chauffeur did not reply, but stood staring at the man before him. He was trying to make out whether he was a fool or a madman.
"Yes," Abner continued, enjoying the other's astonishment38. "I knew that old feller well when he was rich old Baron Rothschild, the Dook of Wellington, old Boney Part, an' the husband of the Queen of Sheby."
The chauffeur was now certain that Abner was making fun of him, and he was in no mood for any pleasantries.
"You must be a pretty old bird yourself," he retorted, "if you knew all of those guys. It's no wonder you've lost your brains, that is, if you ever had any. Who the devil are you, anyway?"
"Me? Oh, it doesn't matter much who I am. But if ye want to know, I'll tell ye as a great secret that I'm the Queen of Sheby's husband."
"The devil!"
"No, I ain't his Satanic majesty39. I'm jist the Queen of Sheby's husband. She's allus ruled me, ye see, an' kept me to black her boots, button up her dress, an' do sich odd jobs that husbands are generally called upon to do. I have allus done as she said except that time several thousand years ago when she started to pay a visit to King Solomon. She had heard of his wisdom, an' thought she'd like to see him, an' hear some of his wise sayin's. But, my lands, when I bucked40 up, an' said she couldn't go, she landed upon me jist like she did upon you last night. I had to be put to bed, rubbed with palm-olive oil, an' fed like a baby fer a hull month. By the time I was able to set up the Queen was somewheres out in the desert on her way to the wise old king. I kin sartinly sympathize with you, young feller, fer I've been there meself, an' know what the Queen of Sheby is like when she gits roused."
"Look here," the chauffeur demanded, "are you kidding me or are you a blooming fool? I can't see any connection between that old queen and the creature that landed on me last night." He paused and a sudden look of fear leaped into his eyes. "Say," he gasped, "surely you're not Abner Andrews, are you?"
"I am an' I ain't. I was an' I isn't, so there ye are. Now kin ye jist tell me who I am, anyway?"
But the chauffeur did not wait to reply. He had retreated, and was out in the adjoining room when Abner had finished.
"Don't be skeered, young man," the latter remarked. "Ye can't run very fer in this hole, anyway, an' I kin ketch ye whenever I want ye."
"Oh, Lord!" the unhappy chauffeur groaned41. "It's her husband, and he's crazy! What am I to do?"
"Hold ye'r tongue, that's what ye kin do," Abner roared. "De ye think I'm goin' to kill ye right off? That'd be too good fer the likes of you. Come in here an' set down, an' tell me why ye ran off with my queen."
"Your queen! Good heavens! Why didn't you tell me she belonged to you? Are you sure you're not crazy?"
"I will be soon if ye don't stop ye'r gab42 and set down. There, that's better," he continued, when the other had perched himself gingerly upon the edge of the cot. "Now, look here, young feller, I want to know why ye chose my queen fer ye'r joy-ride last night? It wasn't fer her beauty, or attractive manner, was it?"
"Oh, Jerusalem, no!"
"Well, why was it? Out with it."
But the young man held down his head, and made no reply. Abner studied him for a few minutes in silence.
"Did somebody put ye up to that job?" he presently enquired43. "Don't be afraid to tell me. But if ye don't, I'll be as tender with ye as a cat with a mouse. Somebody set ye on, didn't he?"
"Yes," the chauffeur finally blurted44 out.
"Ah, I thought so. We're gittin' on nicely now with our little teeter game, you at one end, me at the other, an' someone in the middle. Now, who was that someone?"
"It was Lawyer Rackshaw; that's who it was."
"H'm, I guessed as much. I s'pose he paid ye fer the job?"
"Yes; money and whiskey."
"Ho, ho, money an' whiskey, eh? Well, I declare! An' all fer the sake of givin' the Queen of Sheby a joy-ride. He was sartinly kind. I wish he'd been along too."
"So do I, the mean devil. He got me into the fix, and he'll snap his fingers at me now."
"Will he?"
"Certainly. That's the kind he is."
"But can't you do somethin'?"
"Do! What can I do?"
"Swear to what ye've jist told me."
"Oh, yes, I'll swear to that at any old time. But what good will it do?"
"It might do ye a lot of good, an' me too."
"You!"
"Sure. I'm in this hole fer bein' a public benefactor, an' if you'll jist swear to what ye've told me, it might help us both out, see?"
"Have you something against Rackshaw?"
"Yes, a few things, more or less."
"Then I'll swear. But say, you'll not do anything to me for giving your wife that joy-ride last night, will you?"
"No, no, that's all right, now that I know who put ye up to it. But look here, young feller, take an old man's advice and let whiskey alone after this. It's put a good many more chaps than you in the ditch when they were joy-ridin' with women. Yes, whiskey an' women have sartinly got many a fine bright chap into trouble, as ye know from experience. Women ain't allus what they seem, an' it's hard sometimes to tell the difference between the Queen of Sheby an' Tildy Andrews, of Ash Pint."
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1
magistrate
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| n.地方行政官，地方法官，治安官 | |
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sergeant
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| n.警官，中士 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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surmised
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| v.臆测，推断( surmise的过去式和过去分词 )；揣测；猜想 | |
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scurrilous
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| adj.下流的，恶意诽谤的 | |
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kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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skunk
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| n.臭鼬，黄鼠狼；v.使惨败，使得零分；烂醉如泥 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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reminder
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| n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示 | |
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brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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bail
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| v.舀（水），保释；n.保证金，保释，保释人 | |
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pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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baron
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| n.男爵；(商业界等)巨头，大王 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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imprisonment
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| n.关押，监禁，坐牢 | |
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penitentiary
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| n.感化院；监狱 | |
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perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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beads
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| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
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curt
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| adj.简短的，草率的 | |
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benefactor
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| n. 恩人，行善的人，捐助人 | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ambled
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hull
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| n.船身；(果、实等的)外壳；vt.去(谷物等)壳 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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screeches
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| n.尖锐的声音( screech的名词复数 )v.发出尖叫声( screech的第三人称单数 )；发出粗而刺耳的声音；高叫 | |
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chauffeur
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| n.(受雇于私人或公司的)司机；v.为…开车 | |
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banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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queried
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steer
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| vt.驾驶，为…操舵；引导；vi.驾驶 | |
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assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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bucked
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| adj.快v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的过去式和过去分词 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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gab
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| v.空谈，唠叨，瞎扯；n.饶舌，多嘴，爱说话 | |
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43
enquired
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| 打听( enquire的过去式和过去分词 )； 询问； 问问题； 查问 | |
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blurted
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| v.突然说出，脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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