"I have nothing the matter with me," he replied dryly, sitting down on a chair, and drawing towards him the cup of tea which she had poured out.
"What has happened then?" ... Matrona waited for an answer.
"I have not slept at all, I have been thinking all the night We were really much too silly yesterday, much too weak with one another. I am ashamed of it now; that sort of thing leads to no good.... Women profit by such weak moments to get the better of their husbands. But don't you imagine you will succeed in that way.... You won't get over me.... That is all I wanted to say to you!"
He repeated all this with a certain emphasis, but without looking at her. She, on the contrary, never took her eyes off him.
"You are sorry then that you were yesterday so good and so kind to me?" she asked in a low voice, whilst her lips trembled painfully. "You regret then that you kissed and caressed2 me? It is terrible for me to hear this, very terrible.... Your words cut me to the heart What do you want to do then? Am I already a burden to you?... Don't you care for me any more?"
She looked at him searchingly as she spoke3 these words, and her voice was bitter and defiant4 "I did not mean that," said Grigori confusedly. "I only spoke in a general way.... We lived together in our cellar ... you know yourself what a life it was! Already the recollection of it even, pains me.... Now we have crept out into the light, and ... I feel half frightened.... The change all took place so quickly.... I seem to be a stranger to myself ... and you also seem to be changed.... What-does it all mean?... What will happen next?"
"What will happen next? That's as God wills, Grischka!" said Matrona in a serious tone. "I only beg this of you; don't regret that you were so kind to me yesterday."
"All right ... say no more about it!" Grigori interrupted her in the same gloomy voice. "You see, I have slept over it, and I feel sure there is no good to be got out of that sort of thing. Our former life was indeed thorny5, but our present one is not full of roses.... Though I don't drink, nor fight, nor beat you ... still there is...."
Matrona laughed hysterically6. "You have no time for such things now!"
"I could soon find time if I wanted to go in for that sort of thing," said Orloff, smiling. "But, somehow, I don't understand why, I don't want to do so. Besides.... I don't know.... I feel so queer somehow or other...."
He shook his head slowly, and stared fixedly7 before him.
"God only knows what's the matter with you," said Matrona, sighing deeply. "You get on very well here, even if you have plenty of work. The doctors all like you, and you behave so well ... What's the matter with you then? tell me ... It seems to me you are too restless."
"That's it ... I am too restless!... For I was thinking the whole night of what Peter Ivanovitch, the student, said lately. He says that all men are equals.... Well—am I not a man like any other? ... And yet this Doctor Wasschtschenko, for example, is better than I am, and Peter Ivanovitch is better, and many others also. I can see for myself that I am not their equal.... I can feel that I am not worthy8 to hand them a glass of water. They cured Mischka Ussoff, and they rejoiced at doing so ... and I cannot understand that. I cannot see what reason there is for rejoicing at a man's recovering from illness!... Life is often worse than cholera9 pains, if you look facts straight in the face. They know that as well as I do, and yet they rejoice.... I should like to be able to feel the same sort of joy as they do; but I cannot, for, as I have already said, I can't see any cause for rejoicing...."
"It is because they feel pity for mankind," Matrona interrupted. "And such pity!... It's just the same on the women's side of the Infirmary. If one of the patients gets better ... good heavens, what a fuss is made about her!... When the time comes for her to leave they help her with advice, and give her medicine and money.... I am often moved to tears when I see it.... They are indeed good people, and are filled with compassion10."
"You talk of shedding tears, but it only makes me wonder ... fills me with astonishment11!..."
He shrugged12 his shoulders, and rubbed his forehead, looking all the time at his wife with a puzzled expression.
Suddenly she began to talk eagerly and rapidly, striving to prove to him that mankind indeed deserved to be treated pitifully. Leaning forward, and looking tenderly into his face, she talked long and earnestly, about mankind, and the heavy burden of life it was called on to bear. He, however, only watched her, thinking to himself—"Just see how they can talk when they like, these women! Where on earth did she get all these words from?"
"You, yourself, also have a pitiful heart," she said. "I have heard you say you would like to destroy the cholera if only you had strength enough. Why then should you want to destroy it? According to what you have just said it does more good than harm. As far as you are concerned it does you no harm—quite the reverse.... Have you not been better off since we had cholera in the town?"
Orloff burst out laughing.
"That's true! that's true! It has certainly been all the better for me that the cholera came t Devil take it! The people are dying all around like flies, and I am all the better off because of it!... Ha!... ha!... ha!... That's the way of the world! It's enough to drive one mad to think about it!"
He rose from his chair, and went off to his work; still laughing. As he went along the corridor the thought crossed his mind again, that it was certainly a pity no one could hear Matrona's wise talk.
"How cleverly she said it all!... Though she is only a woman, yet she speaks quite sensibly!"
He started work, still under the impression of this pleasant thought; though the moans and groans13 of the patients fell on his ears the moment he entered the ward1.
Every day the world of his sensations enlarged, and at the same time there grew within him the need of expressing what he thought and felt It is true he was not yet in a position to formulate14 all that was going on within him, and give clear expression to it, for the greater part of his impressions and thoughts he was not yet able to understand himself. More especially was he pained by the consciousness that he was not able, like other people; to rejoice over the good fortune and well-being15 of others. There grew within him, however, daily the desire to do something great, something out of the common, and thereby16 attract the attention of the whole world. His position in the Infirmary seemed to him to be an awkward one; he felt himself to be between two stools. The doctors and medical students stood above him, the attendants beneath him; he was not the equal of either. A feeling of loneliness came over him, and it appeared to him as if fate, in order to make a sport of him, had tom him away from his own place, and were whirling him about like a feather in the wind. He felt pity for himself, and sought out his wife in order that she might console him. This he did often against his will, for he had an idea that his candid17 outspokenness18 might lower him in the eyes of Matrona. But he continued to confide19 in her all the same. He would go to her usually in a dark, angry or cynical20 mood, and would leave her feeling consoled and comforted. Matrona knew just the right words to use. She had no great command of language, and her words, to some, might have appeared weak, but they were inspired by conviction, and Grigori observed with surprise that she obtained more and more influence over his inner life, that his thoughts turned increasingly towards her, and that he felt more constantly the need of opening his heart to her.
Matrona also quickly realized what she had become to him, and tried constantly to strengthen her growing influence over him. Without her being conscious of it herself, her busy useful life in the Infirmary had sensibly increased her own self-respect It was not in her disposition21 to reflect over the past or to grumble22 about things, but when she thought of her former life in the dark cellar, of its narrow round of cares, of her husband and of her trade, she, in spite of herself, could not help contrasting that past with her present condition; and the dim pictures of her former existence melted into an ever more and more distant and misty23 background. The authorities at the Infirmary valued her because of her quickness and willingness, and every one behaved kindly24 to her. Being treated as a human being was such a new experience to her, that her spirits rose, and her enjoyment25 of life was heightened.
Once, when she was on night duty, the stout26 lady doctor began to question her about her former life. Matrona told her everything quite openly, and without constraint27; then she ceased suddenly, and smiled a curious sort of smile.
"Why do you smile?" asked the lady doctor.
"I can't help smiling when I think how bitter my life was.... You will scarcely believe me, but I had no notion then how sad and bitter it was.... It is only now that I begin to understand."
This looking back on her past life roused a new feeling in Matrona's breast against her husband. She cared for Grigori as much as ever, and showed him all the tenderness of a loving wife; but it appeared to her at the same time that Grigori was guilty toward her. Sometimes when talking to him she would adopt almost a protective tone, for his constant restlessness made her feel sorry for him. Now and then a doubt arose in her mind as to whether it would ever be possible to lead a quiet, peaceful life with him, though she still held steadfastly28 to the belief that Grigori would, in the end, settle down, and throw off his despondency.
According to the ordinary course of events they ought gradually to have grown accustomed to each other, and reconciled to their every-day life in common. They were both young, strong and industrious29, and many in a similar position would have been contented30 to go on from day to day, leading the grey, cheerless life of the ordinary worker—the life of poverty, alternating with starvation—their energies completely absorbed in the task of providing their daily bread. But this ordinary existence was rendered impossible by the unrest which Grigori carried in his heart, and which prevented him from reconciling his inmost soul with the monotony of a daily task.
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1
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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caressed
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| 爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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defiant
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| adj.无礼的，挑战的 | |
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thorny
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| adj.多刺的，棘手的 | |
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hysterically
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| ad. 歇斯底里地 | |
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fixedly
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| adv.固定地；不屈地，坚定不移地 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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cholera
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| n.霍乱 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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groans
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| n.呻吟，叹息( groan的名词复数 )；呻吟般的声音v.呻吟( groan的第三人称单数 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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14
formulate
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| v.用公式表示；规划；设计；系统地阐述 | |
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well-being
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| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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outspokenness
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confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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25
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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constraint
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| n.(on)约束，限制；限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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steadfastly
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| adv.踏实地，不变地；岿然；坚定不渝 | |
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industrious
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| adj.勤劳的，刻苦的，奋发的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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