With Jean, its coming partook in a measure of both of these. Love itself did not come to her suddenly. It had been secretly growing and deepening within her for months. But the recognition of it came upon her with an overwhelming suddenness.
Lady Anne, in recalling that bleak2 tragedy of the past, had accomplished3 more than she knew. She had shown Jean her own heart.
From those fierce, unexpected pangs4 of jealousy5 which had stabbed her as she realised the part played by another woman in Blaise’s life—the woman who had been his wife—had sprung the knowledge that she loved him. Only love could explain the instant, clamorous6 rebellion of her whole being against that other woman’s claim. And now, looking back upon the months which she had spent at Staple7, she comprehended that the veiled figure of Love, face shrouded8, had walked beside her all the way. That was why these even, uneventful weeks at Staple had seemed so wonderful!
The recognition of the great thing that had come into her life left her a little breathless and shaken. But she did not seek to evade9 or deny it. The absolute candour of her mind—candid even to itself—accepted the truth quite simply and frankly10. No false shame that she had, as far as actual fact went, given her love unasked, tempted11 her to disguise from herself the reality of what had happened. For good or ill, whether Blaise returned her love or no, it was his.
But in her inmost heart she believed that he, too, cared—half-fearfully, half-joyfully recognising the pent-up force which surged behind the bars of his deliberate aloofness12.
True, he had never definitely spoken of his love in so many words, hut Lady Anne had supplied the key to his silence. The past still bound him! Alive, Nesta had held him by her beauty; and dead, she still held him with the cords of remorse13 and unavailing self-reproach—cords which can bind14 almost as closely as the strands15 of love.
But for that——
The hot colour surged into Jean’s cheeks at the sweet, secret thought which lay behind that “but”. Blaise cared! Cared for her, needed her, just as she cared for and needed him. To her woman’s eyes, newly anointed with love’s sacramental oil and given sight, it had become suddenly evident in a hundred ways, most of all evident in his sullen16 effort to conceal17 it from her.
So much that he had said, or had not said—those clipped sentences, bitten off short with a savage18 intensity19 that had often enough troubled and bewildered her, now found their right interpretation20. He cared... but the bondage21 of the past still held.
And with that thought came reaction. The brief, quivering ecstacy, which had sent little fugitive22 thrills and currents racing23 through every nerve of her, died suddenly like a damped-out fire, as she realised all which that bondage implied.
It was possible he might never break the silence which he himself had decreed. From the very beginning he had recognised and insisted upon—the fact that they two were only “ships that pass,” and though now, for a little space, Fate had directed the course of each into the same channel, a year, at most, would float them out again on to the big ocean of life where vessels24 signalled—and passed—each other. She must, in the ordinary course of events, return eventually to Beirnfels, while Blaise remained in England. And that would be the end of it.
She knew the man’s dogged pertinacity25; he would hold to an idea or belief immovably if he conceived it right, no matter what the temptation to break away. And in the flood of light vouchsafed26 by Lady Anne’s disclosure, she felt convinced that he had somehow come to regard the tragic27 happenings of the past as standing28 betwixt him and any future happiness. Why, Jean could not altogether fathom29, but she guessed that the dominant30 factor in the matter was probably an exaggerated consciousness of responsibility for his wife’s death, and perhaps, too, a certain lingering tenderness, a subconscious31 feeling of loyalty32 to the dead woman, which urged him on to the sacrifice of his own personal happiness as some kind of atonement.
Unless—and a swift spasm33 of pain shot through her, searing its way like a tongue of flame—unless Lady Anne had been altogether mistaken in her fixed34 belief that Blaise had not really cared for his wife but had only been carried away on the swift tide of passion—that tide which runs so fiercely and untrammelled in hot youth.
Jean had her black hour then, when she faced the fact that although her love was given, and although she tremulously believed it was returned, she would probably never know the supreme35 joy of utter certainty, never hear the beloved’s voice utter those words which hold all heaven for the woman who hears them.
But, through the darkness that closed about her, there gleamed a single thread of light—the light of her own bestowal36 of love. Even if she never knew, of a surety, that Blaise cared, even if—and here she shrank, but forced herself to face the possibility sincerely—even if she were utterly37 mistaken and he did not care for her in any other way save as a friend—his “little comrade”—still there would remain always the golden gleam of love that has been given. For no one who loves can be quite unhappy.
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1
petals
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| n.花瓣( petal的名词复数 ) | |
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2
bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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pangs
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| 突然的剧痛( pang的名词复数 )； 悲痛 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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clamorous
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| adj.吵闹的，喧哗的 | |
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7
staple
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| n.主要产物，常用品，主要要素，原料，订书钉，钩环；adj.主要的，重要的；vt.分类 | |
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shrouded
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| v.隐瞒( shroud的过去式和过去分词 )；保密 | |
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9
evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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12
aloofness
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| 超然态度 | |
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13
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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14
bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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15
strands
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| n.（线、绳、金属线、毛发等的）股( strand的名词复数 )；缕；海洋、湖或河的)岸；（观点、计划、故事等的）部份v.使滞留，使搁浅( strand的第三人称单数 ) | |
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16
sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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fugitive
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| adj.逃亡的，易逝的；n.逃犯，逃亡者 | |
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racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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24
vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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25
pertinacity
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| n.执拗，顽固 | |
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26
vouchsafed
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| v.给予，赐予( vouchsafe的过去式和过去分词 )；允诺 | |
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tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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28
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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29
fathom
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| v.领悟，彻底了解 | |
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30
dominant
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| adj.支配的，统治的；占优势的；显性的；n.主因，要素，主要的人(或物)；显性基因 | |
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31
subconscious
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| n./adj.潜意识(的)，下意识(的) | |
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32
loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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33
spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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34
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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35
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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36
bestowal
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| 赠与，给与； 贮存 | |
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37
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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