Mr. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOMECRITICAL SENTIMENTS RESPECTINGLITERARY COMPOSITION; AND, ASSISTED BYHIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A SMALLINSTALMENT OF RETALIATION1 TO THEACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMANWITH THE RED NOSEhe morning of the thirteenth of February, which thereaders of this authentic2 narrative3 know, as well as we do,to have been the day immediately preceding that whichwas appointed for the trial of Mrs. Bardell’s action, was a busytime for Mr. Samuel Weller, who was perpetually engaged intravelling from the George and Vulture to Mr. Perker’s chambersand back again, from and between the hours of nine o’clock in themorning and two in the afternoon, both inclusive. Not that therewas anything whatever to be done, for the consultation5 had takenplace, and the course of proceeding6 to be adopted, had been finallydetermined on; but Mr. Pickwick being in a most extreme state ofexcitement, persevered7 in constantly sending small notes to hisattorney, merely containing the inquiry8, ‘Dear Perker. Is all goingon well?’ to which Mr. Perker invariably forwarded the reply,‘Dear Pickwick. As well as possible’; the fact being, as we havealready hinted, that there was nothing whatever to go on, eitherwell or ill, until the sitting of the court on the following morning.
But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forciblythere, for the first time, may be allowed to labour under sometemporary irritation9 and anxiety; and Sam, with a due allowancefor the frailties10 of human nature, obeyed all his master’s behestswith that imperturbable11 good-humour and unruffable composurewhich formed one of his most striking and amiable12 characteristics.
Sam had solaced13 himself with a most agreeable little dinner,and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in whichMr. Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues14 of hismorning’s walks, when a young boy of about three feet high, orthereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian15 overalls16, whose garbbespoke a laudable ambition to attain18 in time the elevation19 of anhostler, entered the passage of the George and Vulture, and lookedfirst up the stairs, and then along the passage, and then into thebar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a commission;whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that thesaid commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons of theestablishment, accosted20 the boy with―‘Now, young man, what do you want?’
‘Is there anybody here, named Sam?’ inquired the youth, in aloud voice of treble quality.
‘What’s the t’other name?’ said Sam Weller, looking round.
‘How should I know?’ briskly replied the young gentlemanbelow the hairy cap. ‘You’re a sharp boy, you are,’ said Mr. Weller;‘only I wouldn’t show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, incase anybody took it off. What do you mean by comin’ to a hot-el,and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?’
‘’Cos an old gen’l’m’n told me to,’ replied the boy.
‘What old gen’l’m’n?’ inquired Sam, with deep disdain21.
‘Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,’ rejoinedthe boy. ‘He told me yesterday mornin’ to come to the George andWultur this arternoon, and ask for Sam.’
‘It’s my father, my dear,’ said Mr. Weller, turning with anexplanatory air to the young lady in the bar; ‘blessed if I think hehardly knows wot my other name is. Well, young brockiley sprout,wot then?’
‘Why then,’ said the boy, ‘you was to come to him at six o’clockto our ’ouse, ’cos he wants to see you―Blue Boar, Leaden’allMarkit. Shall I say you’re comin’?’
‘You may wenture on that ’ere statement, sir,’ replied Sam. Andthus empowered, the young gentleman walked away, awakeningall the echoes in George Yard as he did so, with several chaste23 andextremely correct imitations of a drover’s whistle, delivered in atone24 of peculiar25 richness and volume.
Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick,who, in his then state of excitement and worry, was by no meansdispleased at being left alone, set forth26, long before the appointedhour, and having plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down asfar as the Mansion27 House, where he paused and contemplated,with a face of great calmness and philosophy, the numerous cadsand drivers of short stages who assemble near that famous placeof resort, to the great terror and confusion of the old-ladypopulation of these realms. Having loitered here, for half an houror so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his way towardsLeadenhall Market, through a variety of by-streets and courts. Ashe was sauntering away his spare time, and stopped to look atalmost every object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprisingthat Mr. Weller should have paused before a small stationer’s andprint-seller’s window; but without further explanation it doesappear surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested oncertain pictures which were exposed for sale therein, than he gavea sudden start, smote28 his right leg with great vehemence29, andexclaimed, with energy, ‘if it hadn’t been for this, I should ha’
forgot all about it, till it was too late!’
The particular picture on which Sam Weller’s eyes were fixed,as he said this, was a highly-coloured representation of a couple ofhuman hearts skewered30 together with an arrow, cooking before acheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern attire31,the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers, andthe lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same, wereapproaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine32 gravelpath leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman,in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted33 assuperintending the cooking; a representation of the spire34 of thechurch in Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; andthe whole formed a ‘valentine,’ of which, as a written inscription35 inthe window testified, there was a large assortment36 within, whichthe shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of, to his countrymengenerally, at the reduced rate of one-and-sixpence each.
‘I should ha’ forgot it; I should certainly ha’ forgot it!’ said Sam;so saying, he at once stepped into the stationer’s shop, andrequested to be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter-paper, and a hard-nibbed pen which could be warranted not tosplutter. These articles having been promptly37 supplied, he walkedon direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace, verydifferent from his recent lingering one. Looking round him, hethere beheld38 a signboard on which the painter’s art had delineatedsomething remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with anaquiline nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing39 that this wasthe Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and inquiredconcerning his parent.
‘He won’t be here this three-quarters of an hour or more,’ saidthe young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements ofthe Blue Boar.
‘Wery good, my dear,’ replied Sam. ‘Let me have nine-penn’otho’ brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, will you, miss?’
The brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, having beencarried into the little parlour, and the young lady having carefullyflattened down the coals to prevent their blazing, and carriedaway the poker40 to preclude41 the possibility of the fire being stirred,without the full privity and concurrence42 of the Blue Boar beingfirst had and obtained, Sam Weller sat himself down in a box nearthe stove, and pulled out the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, andthe hard-nibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to see thatthere were no hairs in it, and dusting down the table, so that theremight be no crumbs43 of bread under the paper, Sam tucked up thecuffs of his coat, squared his elbows, and composed himself towrite.
To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devotingthemselves practically to the science of penmanship, writing aletter is no very easy task; it being always considered necessary insuch cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm, so asto place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper,and, while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing, toform with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond. Thesemotions, although unquestionably of the greatest assistance tooriginal composition, retard44 in some degree the progress of thewriter; and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a halfwriting words in small text, smearing45 out wrong letters with hislittle finger, and putting in new ones which required going oververy often to render them visible through the old blots47, when hewas roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of hisparent.
‘Vell, Sammy,’ said the father.
‘Vell, my Prooshan Blue,’ responded the son, laying down hispen. ‘What’s the last bulletin about mother-in-law?’
‘Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommonperwerse, and unpleasant this mornin’. Signed upon oath, TonyVeller, Esquire. That’s the last vun as was issued, Sammy,’ repliedMr. Weller, untying48 his shawl.
‘No better yet?’ inquired Sam.
‘All the symptoms aggerawated,’ replied Mr. Weller, shaking hishead. ‘But wot’s that, you’re a-doin’ of? Pursuit of knowledgeunder difficulties, Sammy?’
‘I’ve done now,’ said Sam, with slight embarrassment49; ‘I’vebeen a-writin’.’
‘So I see,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘Not to any young ’ooman, I hope,Sammy?’
‘Why, it’s no use a-sayin’ it ain’t,’ replied Sam; ‘it’s a walentine.’
‘A what!’ exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently50 horror-stricken bythe word.
‘A walentine,’ replied Sam. ‘Samivel, Samivel,’ said Mr. Weller,in reproachful accents, ‘I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it. Arter thewarnin’ you’ve had o’ your father’s wicious propensities51; arter allI’ve said to you upon this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein’
and bein’ in the company o’ your own mother-in-law, vich I shouldha’ thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha’
forgotten to his dyin’ day! I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it, Sammy,I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it!’ These reflections were too muchfor the good old man. He raised Sam’s tumbler to his lips anddrank off its contents.
‘Wot’s the matter now?’ said Sam.
‘Nev’r mind, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller, ‘it’ll be a weryagonisin’ trial to me at my time of life, but I’m pretty tough, that’svun consolation52, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmersaid he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the Londonmarket.’
‘Wot’ll be a trial?’ inquired Sam. ‘To see you married, Sammy―to see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin’ in your innocence53 thatit’s all wery capital,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘It’s a dreadful trial to afather’s feelin’s, that ’ere, Sammy―’
‘Nonsense,’ said Sam. ‘I ain’t a-goin’ to get married, don’t youfret yourself about that; I know you’re a judge of these things.
Order in your pipe and I’ll read you the letter. There!’
We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect54 of thepipe, or the consolatory55 reflection that a fatal disposition56 to getmarried ran in the family, and couldn’t be helped, which calmedMr. Weller’s feelings, and caused his grief to subside57. We shouldbe rather disposed to say that the result was attained58 bycombining the two sources of consolation, for he repeated thesecond in a low tone, very frequently; ringing the bell meanwhile,to order in the first. He then divested59 himself of his upper coat;and lighting60 the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire withhis back towards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and reclineagainst the mantel-piece at the same time, turned towards Sam,and, with a countenance61 greatly mollified by the softeninginfluence of tobacco, requested him to ‘fire away.’
Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections,and began with a very theatrical62 air―‘“Lovely―“‘‘Stop,’ said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. ‘A double glass o’ theinwariable, my dear.’
‘Very well, sir,’ replied the girl; who with great quicknessappeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared.
‘They seem to know your ways here,’ observed Sam.
‘Yes,’ replied his father, ‘I’ve been here before, in my time. Goon, Sammy.’
‘“Lovely creetur,”’ repeated Sam.
‘’Tain’t in poetry, is it?’ interposed his father.
‘No, no,’ replied Sam.
‘Wery glad to hear it,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Poetry’s unnat’ral; noman ever talked poetry ’cept a beadle on boxin’-day, or Warren’sblackin’, or Rowland’s oil, or some of them low fellows; never youlet yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.’
Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Samonce more commenced, and read as follows:
‘“Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned―”’
‘That ain’t proper,’ said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from hismouth.
‘No; it ain’t “damned,”’ observed Sam, holding the letter up tothe light, ‘it’s “shamed,” there’s a blot46 there―“I feel myselfashamed.”’
‘Wery good,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Go on.’
‘“Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir―’ I forget what thishere word is,’ said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, in vainattempts to remember.
‘Why don’t you look at it, then?’ inquired Mr. Weller.
‘So I am a-lookin’ at it,’ replied Sam, ‘but there’s another blot.
Here’s a “c,” and a “i,” and a “d.”’
‘Circumwented, p’raps,’ suggested Mr. Weller.
‘No, it ain’t that,’ said Sam, ‘“circumscribed63”; that’s it.’
‘That ain’t as good a word as “circumwented,” Sammy,’ saidMr. Weller gravely.
‘Think not?’ said Sam.
‘Nothin’ like it,’ replied his father.
‘But don’t you think it means more?’ inquired Sam.
‘Vell p’raps it’s a more tenderer word,’ said Mr. Weller, after afew moments’ reflection.
‘Go on, Sammy.’
‘“Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a-dressin’ of you, for you are a nice gal22 and nothin’ but it.”’
‘That’s a wery pretty sentiment,’ said the elder Mr. Weller,removing his pipe to make way for the remark.
‘Yes, I think it is rayther good,’ observed Sam, highly flattered.
‘Wot I like in that ’ere style of writin’,’ said the elder Mr. Weller,‘is, that there ain’t no callin’ names in it―no Wenuses, nor nothin’
o’ that kind. Wot’s the good o’ callin’ a young ’ooman a Wenus or aangel, Sammy?’
‘Ah! what, indeed?’ replied Sam.
‘You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn64, or a king’sarms at once, which is wery well known to be a collection o’
fabulous animals,’ added Mr. Weller.
‘Just as well,’ replied Sam.
‘Drive on, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller.
Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows; hisfather continuing to smoke, with a mixed expression of wisdomand complacency, which was particularly edifying65.
‘“Afore I see you, I thought all women was alike.”’
‘So they are,’ observed the elder Mr. Weller parenthetically.
‘“But now,”’ continued Sam, ‘“now I find what a reg’lar soft-headed, inkred’lous turnip66 I must ha’ been; for there ain’t nobodylike you, though I like you better than nothin’ at all.” I thought itbest to make that rayther strong,’ said Sam, looking up.
Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed.
‘“So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear―as thegen’l’m’n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday―to tellyou that the first and only time I see you, your likeness67 was tookon my hart in much quicker time and brighter colours than ever alikeness was took by the profeel macheen (wich p’raps you mayhave heerd on Mary my dear) altho it does finish a portrait and putthe frame and glass on complete, with a hook at the end to hang itup by, and all in two minutes and a quarter.”’
‘I am afeerd that werges on the poetical68, Sammy,’ said Mr.
‘No, it don’t,’ replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoidcontesting the point―‘“Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think overwhat I’ve said.―My dear Mary I will now conclude.” That’s all,’
said Sam.
‘That’s rather a Sudden pull-up, ain’t it, Sammy?’ inquired Mr.
Weller.
‘Not a bit on it,’ said Sam; ‘she’ll vish there wos more, and that’s the great art o’ letter-writin’.’
‘Well,’ said Mr. Weller, ‘there’s somethin’ in that; and I wishyour mother-in-law ’ud only conduct her conwersation on thesame gen-teel principle. Ain’t you a-goin’ to sign it?’
‘That’s the difficulty,’ said Sam; ‘I don’t know what to sign it.’
‘Sign it―“Veller”,’ said the oldest surviving proprietor70 of thatname.
‘Won’t do,’ said Sam. ‘Never sign a walentine with your ownname.’
‘Sign it “Pickwick,” then,’ said Mr. Weller; ‘it’s a wery goodname, and a easy one to spell.’
‘The wery thing,’ said Sam. ‘I could end with a werse; what doyou think?’
‘I don’t like it, Sam,’ rejoined Mr. Weller. ‘I never know’d arespectable coachman as wrote poetry, ’cept one, as made anaffectin’ copy o’ werses the night afore he was hung for a highwayrobbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that’s norule.’
But Sam was not to be dissuaded71 from the poetical idea thathad occurred to him, so he signed the letter―‘Your love-sickPickwick.’
And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed adownhill direction in one corner: ‘To Mary, Housemaid, at Mr.
Nupkins’s, Mayor’s, Ipswich, Suffolk’; and put it into his pocket,wafered, and ready for the general post. This important businesshaving been transacted72, Mr. Weller the elder proceeded to openthat, on which he had summoned his son.
‘The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,’ said Mr.
Weller. ‘He’s a-goin’ to be tried to-morrow, ain’t he?’
‘The trial’s a-comin’ on,’ replied Sam.
‘Vell,’ said Mr. Weller, ‘Now I s’pose he’ll want to call somewitnesses to speak to his character, or p’rhaps to prove a alleybi.
I’ve been a-turnin’ the bis’ness over in my mind, and he may makehis-self easy, Sammy. I’ve got some friends as’ll do either for him,but my adwice ’ud be this here―never mind the character, andstick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.’ Mr.
Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion;and burying his nose in his tumbler, winked73 over the top thereof,at his astonished son. ‘Why, what do you mean?’ said Sam; ‘youdon’t think he’s a-goin’ to be tried at the Old Bailey, do you?’
‘That ain’t no part of the present consideration, Sammy,’
replied Mr. Weller. ‘Verever he’s a-goin’ to be tried, my boy, aalleybi’s the thing to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that ’eremanslaughter, with a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said asnothing couldn’t save him. And my ’pinion is, Sammy, that if yourgovernor don’t prove a alleybi, he’ll be what the Italians callreg’larly flummoxed, and that’s all about it.’
As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterableconviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme74 court of judicaturein this country, and that its rules and forms of proceedingregulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justicewhatsoever, he totally disregarded the assurances and argumentsof his son, tending to show that the alibi75 was inadmissible; andvehemently protested that Mr. Pickwick was being ‘wictimised.’
Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Samchanged the subject, and inquired what the second topic was, onwhich his revered76 parent wished to consult him.
‘That’s a pint77 o’ domestic policy, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Thishere Stiggins―’
‘Red-nosed man?’ inquired Sam.
‘The wery same,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘This here red-nosed man,Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and constancy Inever see equalled. He’s sitch a friend o’ the family, Sammy, thatwen he’s avay from us, he can’t be comfortable unless he hassomethin’ to remember us by.’
‘And I’d give him somethin’ as ’ud turpentine and beeswax hismemory for the next ten years or so, if I wos you,’ interposed Sam.
‘Stop a minute,’ said Mr. Weller; ‘I wos a-going to say, he alwaysbrings now, a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half, and fills itvith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay.’
‘And empties it afore he comes back, I s’pose?’ said Sam.
‘Clean!’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘never leaves nothin’ in it but thecork and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these herefellows, my boy, are a-goin’ to-night to get up the monthly meetin’
o’ the Brick Lane Branch o’ the United Grand Junction78 EbenezerTemperance Association. Your mother-in-law wos a-goin’, Sammy,but she’s got the rheumatics, and can’t; and I, Sammy―I’ve gotthe two tickets as wos sent her.’ Mr. Weller communicated thissecret with great glee, and winked so indefatigably79 after doing so,that Sam began to think he must have got the tic doloureux in hisright eyelid80.
‘Well?’ said that young gentleman. ‘Well,’ continued hisprogenitor, looking round him very cautiously, ‘you and I’ll go,punctiwal to the time. The deputy-shepherd won’t, Sammy; thedeputy-shepherd won’t.’ Here Mr. Weller was seized with aparoxysm of chuckles81, which gradually terminated in as near anapproach to a choke as an elderly gentleman can, with safety,sustain.
‘Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,’
exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentleman’s back, hard enough toset him on fire with the friction82. ‘What are you a-laughin’ at,corpilence?’
‘Hush! Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, looking round him withincreased caution, and speaking in a whisper. ‘Two friends o’
mine, as works the Oxford83 Road, and is up to all kinds o’ games,has got the deputy-shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he doescome to the Ebenezer Junction (vich he’s sure to do: for they’ll seehim to the door, and shove him in, if necessary), he’ll be as fargone in rum-and-water, as ever he wos at the Markis o’ Granby,Dorkin’, and that’s not sayin’ a little neither.’ And with this, Mr.
Weller once more laughed immoderately, and once more relapsedinto a state of partial suffocation84, in consequence.
Nothing could have been more in accordance with SamWeller’s feelings than the projected exposure of the realpropensities and qualities of the red-nosed man; and it being verynear the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took theirway at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his letterinto a general post-office as they walked along.
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the UnitedGrand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in alarge room, pleasantly and airily situated85 at the top of a safe andcommodious ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr.
Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, andoccasionally an itinerant86 preacher; and the secretary was Mr.
Jonas Mudge, chandler’s shopkeeper, an enthusiastic anddisinterested vessel87, who sold tea to the members. Previous to thecommencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and dranktea, till such time as they considered it expedient88 to leave off; anda large wooden money-box was conspicuously89 placed upon thegreen baize cloth of the business-table, behind which the secretarystood, and acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every addition tothe rich vein90 of copper91 which lay concealed92 within.
On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a mostalarming extent; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller, senior, who,utterly regardless of all Sam’s admonitory nudgings, stared abouthim in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment93.
‘Sammy,’ whispered Mr. Weller, ‘if some o’ these here peopledon’t want tappin’ to-morrow mornin’, I ain’t your father, andthat’s wot it is. Why, this here old lady next me is a-drowndin’
herself in tea.’
‘Be quiet, can’t you?’ murmured Sam.
‘Sam,’ whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone ofdeep agitation94, ‘mark my vords, my boy. If that ’ere secretaryfellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he’ll blow hisself upwith toast and water.’
‘Well, let him, if he likes,’ replied Sam; ‘it ain’t no bis’ness o’
yourn.’
‘If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, in thesame low voice, ‘I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein’, to riseand address the cheer. There’s a young ’ooman on the next formbut two, as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she’s a-swellin’ wisibly before my wery eyes.’
There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried hisbenevolent intention into immediate4 execution, if a great noise,occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers, had not veryfortunately announced that the tea-drinking was over. Thecrockery having been removed, the table with the green baizecover was carried out into the centre of the room, and the businessof the evening was commenced by a little emphatic95 man, with abald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, atthe imminent96 peril97 of snapping the two little legs incased in thedrab shorts, and said―‘Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr.
Anthony Humm, into the chair.’
The ladies waved a choice selection of pocket-handkerchiefs atthis proposition; and the impetuous little man literally98 moved Mr.
Humm into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders andthrusting him into a mahogany-frame which had once representedthat article of furniture. The waving of handkerchiefs wasrenewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek99, white-faced man, in aperpetual perspiration100, bowed meekly101, to the great admiration102 ofthe females, and formally took his seat. Silence was thenproclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Hummrose and said―That, with the permission of his Brick LaneBranch brothers and sisters, then and there present, the secretarywould read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee; aproposition which was again received with a demonstration103 ofpocket-handkerchiefs.
The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, andthe cough which always seizes an assembly, when anythingparticular is going to be done, having been duly performed, thefollowing document was read:
‘REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANEBRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBENEZERTEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION‘Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during thepast month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting thefollowing additional cases of converts to Temperance.
‘H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in bettercircumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit ofdrinking ale and beer; says he is not certain whether he did nottwice a week, for twenty years, taste “dog’s nose,” which yourcommittee find upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter,moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg (a groan104, and ‘So it is!’ from anelderly female). Is now out of work and penniless; thinks it mustbe the porter (cheers) or the loss of the use of his right hand; is notcertain which, but thinks it very likely that, if he had drunknothing but water all his life, his fellow-workman would neverhave stuck a rusty105 needle in him, and thereby106 occasioned hisaccident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water todrink, and never feels thirsty (great applause).
‘Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charingand washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, but knowsher mother drank bottled stout107, and shouldn’t wonder if thatcaused it (immense cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if shehad always abstained108 from spirits she might have had two eyes bythis time (tremendous applause). Used, at every place she went to,to have eighteen-pence a day, a pint of porter, and a glass ofspirits; but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch,has always demanded three-and-sixpence (the announcement ofthis most interesting fact was received with deafeningenthusiasm).
‘Henry Beller was for many years toast-master at variouscorporation dinners, during which time he drank a great deal offoreign wine; may sometimes have carried a bottle or two homewith him; is not quite certain of that, but is sure if he did, that hedrank the contents. Feels very low and melancholy109, is veryfeverish, and has a constant thirst upon him; thinks it must be thewine he used to drink (cheers). Is out of employ now; and nevertouches a drop of foreign wine by any chance (tremendousplaudits).
‘Thomas Burton is purveyor110 of cat’s meat to the Lord Mayorand Sheriffs, and several members of the Common Council (theannouncement of this gentleman’s name was received withbreathless interest). Has a wooden leg; finds a wooden legexpensive, going over the stones; used to wear second-handwooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-and-water regularlyevery night―sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-handwooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded thattheir constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water(prolonged cheering). Buys new wooden legs now, and drinksnothing but water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long asthe others used to do, and he attributes this solely111 to his temperatehabits (triumphant cheers).’
Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale112 itselfwith a song. With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment,Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of ‘Who hasn’theard of a Jolly Young Waterman?’ to the tune113 of the OldHundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing(great applause). He might take that opportunity of expressing hisfirm persuasion114 that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the errors of hisformer life, had written that song to show the advantages ofabstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). Theneatness of the young man’s attire, the dexterity115 of his feathering,the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautifulwords of the poet, to‘Row along, thinking of nothing at all,’
all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker(cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous116 jollity! (rapturous cheering).
And what was the young man’s reward? Let all young menpresent mark this:
‘The maidens117 all flock’d to his boat so readily.’
(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example!
The sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman,and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But,was it the maidens of humble118 life only, who soothed119, consoled, andsupported him? No!
‘He was always first oars120 with the fine city ladies.’
(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man―he begged pardon, toa female―rallied round the young waterman, and turned withdisgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick LaneBranch brothers were watermen (cheers and laughter). That roomwas their boat; that audience were the maidens; and he (Mr.
Anthony Humm), however unworthily, was ‘first oars’ (unbounded applause).
‘Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?’ inquired Mr.
Weller, in a whisper.
‘The womin,’ said Sam, in the same tone.
‘He ain’t far out there, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘they mustbe a soft sex―a wery soft sex, indeed―if they let themselves begammoned by such fellers as him.’
Any further observations from the indignant old gentlemanwere cut short by the announcement of the song, which Mr.
Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a time, for the information ofsuch of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend. While itwas being sung, the little man with the drab shorts disappeared;he returned immediately on its conclusion, and whispered Mr.
Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest importance. ‘Myfriends,’ said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a deprecatorymanner, to bespeak121 the silence of such of the stout old ladies aswere yet a line or two behind; ‘my friends, a delegate from theDorking Branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, attends below.’
Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force thanever; for Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the femaleconstituency of Brick Lane.
‘He may approach, I think,’ said Mr. Humm, looking round him,with a fat smile. ‘Brother Tadger, let him come forth and greet us.’
The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name ofBrother Tadger, bustled122 down the ladder with great speed, andwas immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the ReverendMr. Stiggins.
‘He’s a-comin’, Sammy,’ whispered Mr. Weller, purple in thecountenance with suppressed laughter.
‘Don’t say nothin’ to me,’ replied Sam, ‘for I can’t bear it. He’sclose to the door. I hear him a-knockin’ his head again the lath andplaster now.’
As Sam Weller spoke17, the little door flew open, and BrotherTadger appeared, closely followed by the Reverend Mr. Stiggins,who no sooner entered, than there was a great clapping of hands,and stamping of feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all ofwhich manifestations123 of delight, Brother Stiggins returned noother acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye, and a fixedsmile, at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table,swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady anduncertain manner.
‘Are you unwell, Brother Stiggins?’ whispered Mr. AnthonyHumm.
‘I am all right, sir,’ replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in whichferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance124; ‘I amall right, sir.’
‘Oh, very well,’ rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a fewpaces.
‘I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not allright, sir?’ said Mr. Stiggins.
‘Oh, certainly not,’ said Mr. Humm. ‘I should advise him not to,sir; I should advise him not,’ said Mr. Stiggins.
By this time the audience were perfectly125 silent, and waited withsome anxiety for the resumption of business.
‘Will you address the meeting, brother?’ said Mr. Humm, with asmile of invitation.
‘No, sir,’ rejoined Mr. Stiggins; ‘No, sir. I will not, sir.’
The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids126; and amurmur of astonishment ran through the room.
‘It’s my opinion, sir,’ said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat,and speaking very loudly―‘it’s my opinion, sir, that this meeting isdrunk, sir. Brother Tadger, sir!’ said Mr. Stiggins, suddenlyincreasing in ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man inthe drab shorts, ‘you are drunk, sir!’ With this, Mr. Stiggins,entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of themeeting, and to exclude therefrom all improper127 characters, hitBrother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim,that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning. BrotherTadger had been knocked, head first, down the ladder.
Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal128 screaming; andrushing in small parties before their favourite brothers, flung theirarms around them to preserve them from danger. An instance ofaffection, which had nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, beingextremely popular, was all but suffocated129, by the crowd of femaledevotees that hung about his neck, and heaped caresses130 upon him.
The greater part of the lights were quickly put out, and nothingbut noise and confusion resounded131 on all sides.
‘Now, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat withmuch deliberation, ‘just you step out, and fetch in a watchman.’
‘And wot are you a-goin’ to do, the while?’ inquired Sam.
‘Never you mind me, Sammy,’ replied the old gentleman; ‘Ishall ockipy myself in havin’ a small settlement with that ’ereStiggins.’ Before Sam could interfere132 to prevent it, his heroicparent had penetrated133 into a remote corner of the room, andattacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity.
‘Come off!’ said Sam.
‘Come on!’ cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation hegave the Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, andbegan dancing round him in a buoyant and cork-like manner,which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel134 tobehold.
Finding all remonstrances135 unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmlyon, threw his father’s coat over his arm, and taking the old manround the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and intothe street; never releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, untilthey reached the corner. As they gained it, they could hear theshouts of the populace, who were witnessing the removal of theReverend Mr. Stiggins to strong lodgings136 for the night, and couldhear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directionsof the members of the Brick Lane Branch of the United GrandJunction Ebenezer Temperance Association.
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1
retaliation
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| n.报复，反击 | |
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authentic
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| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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persevered
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| v.坚忍，坚持( persevere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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frailties
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| n.脆弱( frailty的名词复数 )；虚弱；（性格或行为上的）弱点；缺点 | |
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imperturbable
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| adj.镇静的 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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solaced
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| v.安慰，慰藉( solace的过去分词 ) | |
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fatigues
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| n.疲劳( fatigue的名词复数 )；杂役；厌倦；（士兵穿的）工作服 | |
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fustian
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| n.浮夸的；厚粗棉布 | |
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overalls
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| n.（复）工装裤；长罩衣 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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accosted
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| v.走过去跟…讲话( accost的过去式和过去分词 )；跟…搭讪；（乞丐等）上前向…乞讨；（妓女等）勾搭 | |
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disdain
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| n.鄙视，轻视；v.轻视，鄙视，不屑 | |
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gal
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| n.姑娘，少女 | |
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chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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skewered
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| v.（用串肉扦或类似物）串起，刺穿( skewer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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serpentine
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| adj.蜿蜒的，弯曲的 | |
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depicted
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| 描绘，描画( depict的过去式和过去分词 )； 描述 | |
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spire
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| n.(教堂)尖顶，尖塔，高点 | |
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inscription
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| n.（尤指石块上的）刻印文字，铭文，碑文 | |
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assortment
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| n.分类，各色俱备之物，聚集 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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conjecturing
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| v. & n. 推测，臆测 | |
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poker
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| n.扑克；vt.烙制 | |
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41
preclude
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| vt.阻止，排除，防止；妨碍 | |
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concurrence
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| n.同意；并发 | |
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crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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retard
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| n.阻止，延迟；vt.妨碍，延迟，使减速 | |
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smearing
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| 污点，拖尾效应 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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blots
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| 污渍( blot的名词复数 )； 墨水渍； 错事； 污点 | |
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48
untying
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| untie的现在分词 | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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51
propensities
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| n.倾向，习性( propensity的名词复数 ) | |
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52
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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consolatory
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| adj.慰问的，可藉慰的 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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59
divested
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| v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 )；脱去（衣服）；2。从…取去…；1。（给某人）脱衣服 | |
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60
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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61
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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circumscribed
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| adj.[医]局限的：受限制或限于有限空间的v.在…周围划线( circumscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；划定…范围；限制；限定 | |
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unicorn
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| n.(传说中的)独角兽 | |
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65
edifying
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| adj.有教训意味的，教训性的，有益的v.开导，启发( edify的现在分词 ) | |
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turnip
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| n.萝卜，芜菁 | |
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likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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poetical
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| adj.似诗人的；诗一般的；韵文的；富有诗意的 | |
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dubiously
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| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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dissuaded
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| 劝（某人）勿做某事，劝阻( dissuade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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transacted
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| v.办理（业务等）( transact的过去式和过去分词 )；交易，谈判 | |
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winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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alibi
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| n.某人当时不在犯罪现场的申辩或证明；借口 | |
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revered
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| v.崇敬，尊崇，敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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junction
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| n.连接，接合；交叉点，接合处，枢纽站 | |
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indefatigably
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| adv.不厌倦地，不屈不挠地 | |
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eyelid
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| n.眼睑，眼皮 | |
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81
chuckles
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的名词复数 ) | |
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82
friction
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| n.摩擦，摩擦力 | |
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83
Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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84
suffocation
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| n.窒息 | |
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situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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itinerant
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| adj.巡回的；流动的 | |
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87
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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conspicuously
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| ad.明显地，惹人注目地 | |
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vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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91
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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92
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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93
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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94
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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95
emphatic
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| adj.强调的，着重的；无可置疑的，明显的 | |
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imminent
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| adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的 | |
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peril
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| n.(严重的)危险；危险的事物 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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101
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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102
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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103
demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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104
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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105
rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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106
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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108
abstained
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| v.戒（尤指酒），戒除( abstain的过去式和过去分词 )；弃权（不投票） | |
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109
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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purveyor
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| n.承办商，伙食承办商 | |
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111
solely
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| adv.仅仅，唯一地 | |
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regale
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| v.取悦，款待 | |
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113
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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114
persuasion
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| n.劝说；说服；持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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115
dexterity
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| n.(手的)灵巧，灵活 | |
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116
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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117
maidens
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| 处女( maiden的名词复数 )； 少女； 未婚女子； （板球运动）未得分的一轮投球 | |
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118
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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119
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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120
oars
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| n.桨，橹( oar的名词复数 )；划手v.划（行）( oar的第三人称单数 ) | |
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121
bespeak
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| v.预定；预先请求 | |
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122
bustled
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| 闹哄哄地忙乱，奔忙( bustle的过去式和过去分词 )； 催促 | |
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manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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124
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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125
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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126
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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127
improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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128
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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129
suffocated
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| （使某人）窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 )； （将某人）闷死； 让人感觉闷热； 憋气 | |
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caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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131
resounded
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| v.（指声音等）回荡于某处( resound的过去式和过去分词 )；产生回响；（指某处）回荡着声音 | |
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132
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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133
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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134
marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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135
remonstrances
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| n.抱怨，抗议( remonstrance的名词复数 ) | |
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136
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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