Charlene Klinger was behind the counter at the DMV, working the registration-only line. She was prettier in per-son. Her hair still lacked style, but it was thick and glossy1 and suited her. Her face was animated2, and she smiled a lot. After thirty-five minutes, Lula and I had inched our way up to her. I introduced myself to Charlene and ex-plained I was substituting for Annie Hart.
"That woman is a nut," Charlene said. "I don't know where she came from, but good riddance if she's gone. And I don't need a substitute nutcase. I'm doing fine. I don't want a man in my life. I've got enough problems."
"Didn't you hire Annie?"
"Heck no. She just popped into my kitchen one day. Happens to me all the time. The kids leave the door open and next thing I know, some half-starved cat's wandered into the house and won't leave."
"I was under the impression you wanted to find your true love," I said to Charlene.
Charlene looked at the powdered sugar that had sifted3 onto Lula's chest. "I'd sooner find a bag of doughnuts. Don't have to shave your legs to enjoy a bag of doughnuts."
"Amen to that," Lula said.
"You're going to have to move along if you don't want to register something," Charlene said. "You hold up the line too long and this crowd will get ugly."
Lula and I left the building and hustled4 to my car. It was freezing cold, and we walked with our heads tucked down against the wind.
"Now what?" Lula wanted to know.
I slid behind the wheel and pulled another file out of the envelope. "I have more."
Lula picked a doughnut out of the bag. "Me, too."
"Yesterday you told me you were going on a diet."
"Yeah, but it's something new. It's called the afternoon diet. You get to eat all you want until noon. Then the diet starts."
"Next up is Gary Martin. Runs a vet5 clinic on Route 1. Never been married. Looks like a nice guy" I passed his picture to Lula.
"He looks like a dork," Lula said. "He's wearing a bow tie, and he's got a comb-over. He don't need a matchmaker. He needs a woman with scissors."
I put the car in gear and rolled out of the lot. "According to Annie's file, he needs help getting his girlfriend back."
"And we're gonna help him? Excuse me if I'm a skeptic7, but it don't seem to me we're all that good at relationships. I only date losers, and you have commitment issues. Plus, you can't even make up your mind about who you want as your commitment recipient8. You're double-dipping with Morelli and Ranger9."
"I'm not double-dipping."
"You're mentally double-dipping."
"That doesn't count. Everyone mentally double-dips. Keep your eyes open for Municipal Animal Hospital."
The Municipal Animal Hospital waiting room was bright and cheery and sparkling clean. And it was empty of pa-tients. A young woman sat behind the big wraparound desk. She was also sparkling clean, but she didn't look all that cheery.
'To," Lula said to her. "I'm Lula, and this here's the world-famous Stephanie Plum, and we're looking for Gary Martin."
"He's in surgery," the woman said. "Office hours start at one o'clock."
"Maybe he could squeeze us in between surgeries," Lula said. "It's a personal matter."
"Dr. Martin doesn't like to be disturbed when he's in surgery."
"See, here's the thing," Lula said. "I got a doughnut with my name on it out in the car, and I don't want to sit around until one o'clock. I mean, it's not like of Gary's doing open heart. He's cutting the balls off a cat, right?"
I pointed10 stiff-armed to the door. "Out," I said to Lula.
"Just trying to communicate with Miss Stick-up-her-ass6," Lula said.
"Out!"
I waited until Lula left, and then I turned to the recep-tionist. "Maybe I could leave a note for Dr. Martin."
There was a long awkward pause, and I assumed the re-ceptionist was contemplating11 hitting the police button on the security system… or at the very least unleashing12 Dobermans from a holding pen. This was a vet office. They had dogs, right?
Finally, the woman exhaled13 and slid a pad and pen my way. "I guess that would be okay," she said.
I was halfway14 through the note when Gary Martin emerged from a back room and approached the receptionist.
"Any emergency calls?" he asked her. "Any, um, personal calls?"
She shook her head, no.
"Are you sure? Not a single personal call?"
Gary Martin looked like a big, forty-year-old cherub15. He was about five foot six with chubby16 cheeks and a soft middle. He was wearing a light blue lab coat that was unbuttoned over tan slacks and a yellow button-down shirt. He was en-tirely adorable in a dorky kind of way. And he was clearly disappointed that no one had called.
I stuck my hand out and introduced myself. "Annie Hart is temporarily indisposed," I said. "I'm her replacement17."
I wasn't sure what to expect after Charlene Klinger, but
Gary Martin seemed excited to see me. He ushered18 me into his little office and closed the door.
"I've been waiting," he said. "I was expecting Ms. Hart, but I'm sure you're wonderful, too."
"I understand you need help getting your girlfriend back."
"I don't know what happened. Two weeks ago, she just said it was over. I don't know what went wrong. I must have done something terrible, but I don't know what it was. I was going to ask her to marry me on Valentine's Day. And now I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me on the phone, and she won't let me into her apartment. And last time I tried to talk to her she said I was a pest. A pest!"
"I'm curious," I said. "How did you hear about Annie Hart?"
"It was odd. I found her card in my jacket pocket. Some-one must have given it to me. It said Ms. Hart was a rela-tionship expert… and I thought, that's just what I need! So I called Ms. Hart, and we had a meeting. That was four days ago." Martin took a photo off his desktop19 and handed it to me. "Ms. Hart wanted a picture of Loretta."
The sticky note attached to the back told me this was Loretta Flack, and Martin had neatly20 printed Loretta's ad-dress and phone number below her name. The front of the photo showed a smiling blond with a Barbie doll shape. It had been taken at some sort of street fair, and she was holding a teddy bear.
"She's a bartender," Martin said. "She works the lunch shift at Beetle21 Bumpkin. It's a sports bar just up the road. They have good sandwiches at lunchtime, but Loretta said she didn't want me in there anymore."
"She's pretty," I said.
"Yes, she's way too pretty for me. And probably too young. I don't know why she even went out with me in the first place. I thought maybe you could tell her I joined a gym, and I have a private trainer now. And I think my hair is growing back."
I looked up at the three strands22 of hair plastered to the top of his dome23.
"I thought I might have seen some fuzz this morning," Gary Martin said.
"Anything else you want me to tell her?"
"I'll leave it up to you. You're a relationship expert, right? I mean, you know the right things to say"
Oh boy, we were in trouble. I never said the right thing. Lula was right. I was a relationship disaster.
"Sure," I told him. "Leave it to me. I'll get this fixed24 up."
Lula settled her ass on a Beetle Bumpkin barstool and looked around. "Beetle Bumpkin is one of them new mini chains," she said. "There's one just opened downtown. The sandwiches are good because they fry them. Everything's fried. That's the Beetle Bumpkin secret ingredient."
Loretta Flack was taking an order at the other end of the bar. Her hair was yellow under the Bumpkin bar lights, and her breasts were packed into a red Beetle Bumpkin T-shirt. I figured she was maybe fifteen years younger than Gary Martin.
"Let me do the talking this time," I said to Lula.
"My lips are sealed. I'm only here in case you need backup. Like suppose she tries some karate25 moves or she pulls a gun on you."
"I don't think that's going to happen."
"You never know. Best to be prepared, I always say. People are unpredictable. I learned that in my human be-havior course at the community college. Did I ever tell you I took a human behavior course?"
"Yes."
"It could help in this situation. It's just about qualified26 me to be a relationship expert. Plus I got a lot of expertise27 all those years when I was a 'ho. I bet I could relationship the ass off you."
"No doubt. Let me talk anyway."
Loretta made her way down to us. "Ladies?" she said.
"Diet Coke and tuna on rye," I told her.
"I'll have the Beetle special sandwich and cheese fries and a Coke," Lula said.
I looked at my watch. It was twelve-thirty. "What about your afternoon diet?"
"It's more like a suggestion than a rule. And anyway, I
thought since we're working on these cases I should keep my strength up. I might get all weak and hypoglycemic if I don't have cheese fries."
"So," Loretta said. "Working ladies."
"Yep. We're relationship experts," Lula said. "We fix up relationships. You got any that needs fixin'?"
"No. I'm good with relationships. I'm in a dreamy one right now. He's a lawyer."
"You don't look like the lawyer type," Lula said. "You look like… some other type."
Loretta drew my drink and slid it down the bar at me. "I'm lots of types. This is a really good job for meeting men. I go out with them and get them to buy me some jewelry28 and then when it looks like they're gonna say the L word I split. I got this necklace I'm wearing from a veteri-narian."
"It's a good necklace," Lula said. "And you look like the veterinarian type more than the lawyer type. Maybe you should go back with him."
"He was a loser," Loretta said. "He kept talking about how he wanted a family." She wrinkled her nose. "Eeeuw, kids. Ick. I hate kids. And he was always rushing off to save some dumb cat or dog. I mean, what's with that? Who wants a boyfriend who makes you rush through dessert just because some cat got run over by a dump truck?"
"What a creep," Lula said. "Imagine rushing you through dessert. I wouldn't stand for that."
"The lawyer's a lot better," Loretta said. "He has a wife and kids, so I don't have to worry about the L word. The L word is okay if it's insincere."
"Boy you got it all figured out," Lula said.
Loretta moved off to the other end of the bar.
"What was that?" I asked Lula. "You were supposed to let me do the talking."
"Well excuse me, Ms. Control Freak. It just worked out this way. You weren't taking advantage of the moment."
Turned out it didn't matter a whole lot anyway. I liked Gary Martin, and I hated Loretta Flack. Loretta Flack was bitchzilla. I couldn't in good conscience fix things so that Martin was stuck with Flack.
The sandwiches and fries arrived, and we dug in.
"I'm liking29 this," Lula said. "We didn't get spit on or shot at all day, and I feel like a big Cupid. Of course, we haven't gotten anybody together like we're supposed to, but it feels like love is in the air. Don't you feel love in the air? How many more cases we got?"
"Three. Next up is Larry Burlew. He's got his eye on someone but can't get to meet her. I've already skimmed the file. Burlew is a butcher. Works at Sal's Meat Market on Broad. The woman of his dreams works in the coffee shop across the street. According to Annie's notes, Burlew is shy."
"That's cute," Lula said. "A shy butcher. I got a good feeling about him. And I wouldn't mind some pork chops for dinner tonight."
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glossy
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| adj.平滑的；有光泽的 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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sifted
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| v.筛( sift的过去式和过去分词 )；筛滤；细查；详审 | |
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hustled
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| 催促（hustle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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vet
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| n.兽医，退役军人；vt.检查 | |
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ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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skeptic
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| n.怀疑者，怀疑论者，无神论者 | |
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recipient
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| a.接受的,感受性强的 n.接受者,感受者,容器 | |
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ranger
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| n.国家公园管理员，护林员；骑兵巡逻队员 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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unleashing
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| v.把（感情、力量等）释放出来，发泄( unleash的现在分词 ) | |
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exhaled
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| v.呼出，发散出( exhale的过去式和过去分词 )；吐出（肺中的空气、烟等），呼气 | |
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halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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cherub
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| n.小天使，胖娃娃 | |
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chubby
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| adj.丰满的，圆胖的 | |
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replacement
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| n.取代，替换，交换；替代品，代用品 | |
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ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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desktop
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| n.桌面管理系统程序；台式 | |
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neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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beetle
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| n.甲虫，近视眼的人 | |
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strands
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| n.（线、绳、金属线、毛发等的）股( strand的名词复数 )；缕；海洋、湖或河的)岸；（观点、计划、故事等的）部份v.使滞留，使搁浅( strand的第三人称单数 ) | |
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dome
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| n.圆屋顶，拱顶 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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karate
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| n.空手道(日本的一种徒手武术) | |
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qualified
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| adj.合格的，有资格的，胜任的，有限制的 | |
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expertise
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| n.专门知识(或技能等)，专长 | |
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jewelry
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| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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